>>> IT'S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE. I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST. MAYBE ANNOUNCED THAT IT WILL REINSTATE FORMER PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP'S ACCOUNT, BUT THIS TIME THEY'LL PUT GUARDRAILS IN PLACE TO KEEP HIM UNDER CONTROL, WHICH I THINK IS THE SAME THING THEY SAID EVERY TIME THEY TRY TODAY REOPEN JURASSIC PARK. ALSO, WHAT EVEN ARE GUARDRAILS ON FACEBOOK, AND CAN THEY APPLY TO MY UNCLE? BECAUSE HE'S POSTED SOME VERY DISTURBING FAN FICTION ABOUT THE GREEN M&M. REPRESENTATIVES FOR BILL CLINTON, GEORGE W. BUSH AND BARACK OBAMA SAID THEY ALL TURNED OVER CLASSIFIED RECORDS BEFORE LEAVING OFFICE WHILE JIMMY CARTER RELEASED A STATEMENT SAYING, COME GET THEM, YOU BASTARDS. >> A LAWYER FOR MIKE PENCE SAYS AFTER THEY DISCOVERED CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS IN HIS HOME, PENCE STANDS READY AND WILLING TO FULLY COOPERATE. INCIDENTALLY, I STAND WILLING TO FULLY COOPERATE IS ALSO WHAT PENCE SAYS BEFORE SEX. DURING THE SENATE HEARINGS INVESTIGATING LIVE NATION AND THE MONOPOLY ON CONCERT TICKET SALES, FANS OF TAYLOR SWIFT PROTESTED OUTSIDE THE CAPITOL. AND ONLY TWO YEARS AFTER THEIR DADS WERE THERE. [ LAUGHTER ] >> SENATOR RICK SCOTT SEEN HERE LEARNING THAT HARRY POTTER HAS FALLEN INTO HIS TRAP, ANNOUNCED THAT HE IS RUNNING FOR RE-ELECTION PROMISING TO FINISH THE BORDER WALL AND NAME IT AFTER DONALD TRUMP. EVEN THOUGH MOST THINGS NAMED AFTER DONALD TRUMP ARE COMPLETE FAILURES. GEORGE SANTOS ADMITTED THAT WHILE LIVING IN BRAZIL, HE DID DRESS IN DRAG, BUT SAID HE WAS NOT A DRAG QUEEN. OKAY, HONEY. WE KNEW THAT FROM YOUR CONTOURING. >> RONNA McDANIEL WAS RE-ELECTED AS CHAIR OF THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE IN A CLOSER THAN EXPECTED VOTE OVER CHALLENGERS HARMEET DHILLON, MIKE LYNN DELL, TWITTER USER CAT TURD 2 AND OF COURSE COLIN JOST. >> THAT ELECTION WAS RIGGED. GOOGLE ANNOUNCED IT IS CUTTING 12,000 JOBS WHILE YAHOO ANNOUNCED IT IS NOW RUN BY A FAMILY OF RACCOONS. >> POPE FRANCIS CRITICIZED LAWS BANNING HOMO SEXUALITY AS UNJUST SAYING IT'S NOT A CRIME EVEN THOUGH CATHOLIC DOCTRINE VIEWS IT AS A SIN. THEY ALSO SAID THEY VIEW AGE AS NOTHING BUT A NUMBER. >> DISNEY WORLD IS CLOSING SPLASH MOUNTAIN TO TURN IT INTO TIANA'S BAYOU ADVENTURE AFTER CLAIMS THE THEME SONG WAS RACIST. WHERE'S THE OUTRAGE ABOUT DISNEY FORCING A MENTALLY CHALLENGED DWARF TO MINE BLOOD DIAMONDS? >> NEW YORK IS EXPECTED TO BE THE MOST EXPENSIVE RENTAL MARKET 2023. HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT IS THE NEW DOORMAN TO MY BUILDING, CARL. >> HEY! WHAT'S UP, MR. CHE? HOW YOU DOING, MAN? JUST A LITTLE REMINDER. I NOTED YOU HAVEN'T GIVEN ME AN END OF THE YEAR TIP YET. >> YOU JUST STARTED. >> OH. WELL, MAYBE SOON THEN. YOU REMEMBER THAT NIGHT? WHEN THINGS GOT WILD? I TALKED TO THE POLICE FOR YOU. >> I DON'T REMEMBER THAT. >> I KNOW, RIGHT? >> YEAH. >> HARD TO KEEP TRACK OF ALL THE CRAZY NIGHTS WHEN MR. MICHAEL CHE IS YOUR TENANT. JUST REMEMBER WHICH NIGHT IS WILD AND WHICH NIGHT IS JUST REGULAR. WE LIVING THAT LIFE, CHE. >> WE? >> OH, YEAH, MAN. WE DOING THE DAMN THING. MY DOG. SO WHAT'S THIS? WHAT YOU DOING HERE, MAN? >> THIS IS SNL, MAN. IT'S MY JOB. >> OH. OH, OKAY. OH, SO YOU JUST OUT HERE MAKING THE BIG BUCKS IN A HALF SUIT AND JEANS. CHE, CHE. >> WHAT, MAN. >> YOU KNOW THAT LADY CAME AROUND LOOKING FOR YOU AGAIN, MAN. >> WHO? >> YOU KNOW THAT ONE. THE LADY. SHE'S LIKE REAL SMART. >> ALL RIGHT. >> ALWAYS MAD. SHE CAME INTO THE BUILDING AGAIN ASKING ABOUT YOU, MAN. DON'T WORRY. I TOLD HER YOU MOVED TO JAMAICA. I DID GOOD, RIGHT? >> WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT? I'M ABSOLUTELY HERE IN NEW YORK LIVE ON TV RIGHT NOW. >> SHE AIN'T WATCHING. >> WELL, THANK YOU, CARL. >> HEY, CHE. CHE. YOU KNOW THAT LITTLE KID CAME AROUND LOOKING FOR YOU, RIGHT? HE WAS TALKING ABOUT, TELL CHE MY MAMA SAID HE GOT TO TAKE ME TO THE ZOO. HE SAID HIS NAME WAS DEMICHAEL OR SOMETHING. >> THAT'S NOT MY KID. >> THAT'S RIGHT! THAT'S WHAT I TOLD THAT LITTLE DUMMY. TEAMWORK MAKE THE DREAM WORK. >> THANK YOU FOR STOPPING BY, MAN. >> HEY, CHE. YOU KNOW THAT DOG CAME AROUND LOOKING FOR YOU, RIGHT? HE GOT THAT BARK LIKE, RRR, CHE, CHE, CHE. I SWEAR THAT'S WHAT HE BE SAYING, MAN. I UNDERSTOOD THE DOG TALK THOUGH. HEY, MAN, WHO IS CORNELIUS? >> I DON'T KNOW. >> YOU SURE? BECAUSE EVERY NIGHT AT 8:00, THIS MAN SHOWS UP AND LEAVES ONE SHOE ON MY DESK AND SAYS, TELL MICHAEL CHE THIS IS FROM CORNELIUS. AND IF HE WANTS THE OTHER SHOE, TELL HIM TO MEET ME UNDER THE BRIDGE. NEW YORK IS WILD, MAN. >> OKAY. NOW I KNOW YOU HAVE TO GO. I MEAN, WHO'S WATCHING THE BUILDING RIGHT NOW? >> DON'T WORRY. I PUT A SIGN UP SAYING, YOU LOOKING FOR MICHAEL CHE, JUST CALL 917 -- >> DON'T GIVE THEM MY PHONE NUMBER. >> WHY NOT? >> THAT'S AGAINST THE RULES. >> IT IS? WELL, I GUESS THAT'S WHY I'M A DOORMAN AND YOU HERE MAKING CRAZY MONEY USING THAT DESK TO HIDE YOUR DIRTY JEANS. >> CARL MY >> THE DALLAS ZOO HAS BEEN DEALING WITH THE DISAPPEARANCE OF SEVERAL ANIMALS INCLUDING A LEOPARD, MONKEYS AND A VULTURE. IN AN UNRELATED STORY, CHECK OUT MY AMAZING COAT. >> OFFICIALS AT TIKTOK ARE TRYING TO STOP EFFORTS IN CONGRESS TO BAN THE APP BY LAUNCHING A CAMPAIGN CALLED PROJECT TEXAS BECAUSE TIKTOK IS THEIR BABY AND THEY KNOW TEXAS WON'T LET THEM GET RID OF IT. A NEW AI CHAT BOX HAS CREATED CON TO TRO VER SI AFTER IT ALLOWED USERS TO TALK WITH JESUS AND HITLER, AND ONE GUY WHO THINKS HE'S BOTH. JUST NEWS, GUYS. >> A 23-YEAR-OLD CHIHUAHUA IN OHIO NAMED SPIKE HAS BEEN OFFICIALLY NAMED THE WORLD'S OLDEST LIVING DOG. THE SECRET TO SPIKE'S LONG LIFE, A LOT OF CHIHUAHUAS LOOK THE SAME. CHIPOTLE HAS ANNOUNCED PLANS TO HIRE 15,000 PEOPLE TO PREPARE FOR ITS BUSIEST TIME OF YEAR, WHICH THEY ARE CALLING BURRITO SEASON, AND TOILETS ARE CALLING THE APOCALYPSE. >> RESEARCHERS IN ANTARCTICA HAVE DISCOVERED A 17-POUND MEET RITE. SADLY, IT WAS ON TOP OF THE LAST POLAR BEAR. >> A MATTRESS REVIEW SITE IS PAYING PEOPLE TO TEST THE THEORY THAT EATING CHEESE BEFORE BED WILL GIVE F GIVE A PERSON NIGHTMARES. BUT IF YOU'RE IN BED EATING CHEESE UNTIL YOU PASS OUT, YOUR LIFE IS ALREADY A NIGHTMARE. >> THIS WEEK, WENDY'S ANNOUNCED THEY WOULD BE BRINGING BACK THEIR VANILLA FROSTY AFTER A BRIEF HIATUS IN 2022. HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH HER GOOD NEWS REPORT IS EVERY BOXER'S GIRLFRIEND FROM EVERY BOXING MOVIE ABOUT BOXING EVER. >> HI, HI, HI. >> HOW YOU DOING? HOW ARE YOU, ANGEL? >> I'VE BEEN BETTER. >> DOES YOUR BOYFRIEND TOMMY HAVE A FIGHT TONIGHT? >> HE BETTER NOT BECAUSE THE LAST GUY HIT TOMMY SO HARD, THERE'S NO MORE CLAMS IN HIS CHOWDER. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH, BUT I SWEAR TO GOD, IF HE FIGHTS AGAIN, I'M TAKING THE KIDS TO MY SISTER'S. >> GOT IT. IN GOOD NEWS, THE VANILLA FROSTY IS MAKING A COME BACK. >> AWW. YOU THINK VANILLA HAS A SHOT GOING UP AGAINST CHOCOLATE, YOU'RE SICK. IF I SEE IT UP ON THE MENU, I'M TAKING MY KIDS TO MY SISTER'S. ALL OF THEM. >> YOU DOING OKAY, ANGEL? >> BARELY. I'M DOING A LOT BETTER THAN TOMMY. CREED RUINED HIM, CHE. >> WAIT, TOMMY FOUGHT ADONIS CREED? >> CREED HIT TOMMY SO HARD, HIS EYES FLEW OUT. LANDED IN PEPPER'S LAP. THE ONE NIGHT I FORGOT TO TAKE THE KIDS TO MY SISTER'S. >> JESUS. >> SO WHERE IS HE? I KNOW CREED'S HERE. YOU HAVE BEEN ADVERTISING THE FIGHT ALL WEEK. CREED VERSUS LIL BABY LIVE ON PEACOCK. >> ANGEL, THERE'S NO FIGHT TONIGHT. >> OH, YEAH? >> YEAH. >> THEN WHAT'S ALL THIS? CAMERAS, COLDOUT CROWD. I'M LOOKING AT JAMIE FOX AND GINA GERSHAUN SITTING FRONT ROW NEXT TO COCAINE BEAR. >> THAT'S JUST A BLACK GUY SITTING NEXT TO A WHITE WOMAN IN A BIG COAT. >> I DON'T CARE. I WANT CREED! >> ANGEL! >> ADONIS CREED. YOU KNOW YOU'RE THE REASON MY KIDS' DAD WATCHES FOR SESAME STREET THAN THEY DO? >> YOU EVER THINK ABOUT US, ANGEL. >> DON'T. >> REMEMBER? BEFORE TOMMY, THERE WAS CREEDY. >> YOU REMEMBER LIL NICKY? HE'S YOURS, CREED. >> WHAT? TOMMY NEVER ASKED WHY ONE OF HIS KIDS WAS BLACK? >> TOMMY DON'T SEE COLOR. >> THAT'S NICE. >> NO. HE DON'T SEE ANY COLORS, NUMBERS, OR SHAPES. HIS POTATO IS BAKED, CREEDY. >> LOOK AT ME. YOU'RE COMING HOME WITH ME TONIGHT. >> BUT WHAABOUT TOMMY? WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS? >> LISTEN, FROM NOW ON, I'M TAKING THE KIDS TO YOUR SISTER'S. >> EVERY BOXER'S GIRLFRIEND AND ADONIS CREED, EVERYBODY.
