>> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. >>> HI. GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE? I'M COLIN JOST. THIS WEEK, PRESIDENT BIDEN MADE A HISTORIC VISIT TO UKRAINE AND MED WITH UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT VLADIMIR ZELENSKYY WHERE THEY GREETED EACH OTHER LIKE TWO ACTION FIGURES HAVING SEX. WHILE BIDEN WAS IN UKRAINE, REPUBLICANS CRITICIZED HIS DELAYED RESPONSE TO THE OHIO TRAIN DERAILMENT, BUT BIDEN SAID HE WAS WAITING TO SHOOT THE TRAIN DOWN UNTIL IT WAS OVER THE OCEAN. >>> PRESIDENT BIDEN IS BEING PRAISED FOR HIS SURPRISE VISIT TO UKRAINE BY TAKING A TEN-HOUR TRAIN RIDE FROM POLAND. BIG DEAL, YOU KNOW WHO ELSE TAKES A TRAIN RIDE THROUGH AN ACTIVE WAR ZONE? EVERY NEW YORKER. CHINA IMPOSED A 12-PART PLAN FOR PEACE IN UKRAINE. THE PLAN IS THE 12 PARTS HAVE TO BE ASSEMBLED BY CHILDREN. OTHER THAN THAT, IT'S A GOOD PLAN, I GUESS. >> DONALD TRUMP VISITED EAST PALESTINE, THE SITE OF THE RECENT TRAIN DERAILMENT BECAUSE TRUMP YOU USUALLY TRIES TO MAKE HIMSELF LOOK BETTER BY STANDING NEXT TO A TRAIN WRECK. THE TRAIN THAT DERAILED WAS CARRYING HIGHLY TOXIC VINYL CHLORIDE WHICH I THINK IS SOMETHING TRUMP RECOMMENDED AS A CURE FOR COVID. WHILE VISITING THE DISASTER SITE, TRUMP ALSO GAVE OUT BOTTLES OF TRUMP BRAND WATER. SAID RESIDENTS, THANKS, BUT WE WOULD RATHER DRINK THE TOXIC TRAIN WATER. >> PETE BUD JEENL VISITED THE SITE, AND WAS CRITICIZED FOR WEARING LEATHER BOOTS. GIVE HIM A BREAK. THAT'S ALL THEY HAD AT BABY GAP. >> TUCKER CARLSON SEEN HERE AT A WHITES ONLY RAVE HAS BEEN GRANTED ACCESS TO OVER 40,000 HOURS OF SECURITY FOOTAGE FROM THE JANUARY 6th RIOTS. WATCHING ALL THAT WOULD MAKE YOU GO INSANE, SAID DOCTORS ABOUT TUCKER CARLSON'S SHOW. >> GEORGIA REPRESENTATIVE AND COCAINE BEAR MARJORIE TAYLOR GREEN TWEETED THE COUNTRY NEEDS A DIVORCE. WHICH MAKES SENSE. FLORIDA GOVERNOR RON DeSANTIS IS RELEASED A NEW MEMOIR CALLED THE COURAGE TO BE FREE, EVEN THOUGH THAT SOUNDS LIKE A BLACK HISTORY BOOK HE'S BANNED. >> IT WAS ANNOUNCED THE PRODUCERS OF THIS YEAR'S ACADEMY AWARDS HAVE PUT UP A CRISIS TEAM TO DEAL WITH INCIDENTS SIMILAR TO LAST YEAR'S WILL SMITH SLAP. IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN. IF ANYTHING, IT HELPS RATINGS. THE PROMO SHOULD BE, WHO'S GOING TO GET SLAPPED THIS YEAR? WHICH BANSHEE WILL KNOCK THE SHOES OFF? AND WHO HAS WHAT IT TAKES TO WHALE ON BRENDAN FRASER. >>> THE LA LAKERS AND LeBRON JAMES ARE STRUGGLING. HERE IS NBA ANALYST AND HALL OF FAMER BILL WALTON. >> AMAZING TO BE HERE, SATURDAY NIGHT LIFE, THE PREMIER COMEDY SHOW IN THE HISTORY OF CIVILIZATION. MICHAEL CHE, LORD OF THE LOWER EAST SIDE, THROW IT DOWN, BIG FELLA. >> SURE, MAN. SO YOU'RE AN NBA ANALYST. YOU ALSO HAVE YOUR OWN SHOW ON NBA TV. AND YOU'RE ALSO A LITTLE WEIRD. >> MICHAEL, I'M AN ATHLETE, I'M AN ANALYST. I AM A SPIRITUAL NOMAD. I AM A CURIOUS NYMPH IN GOD'S ASTONISHING GARDEN, AND I WAS JUST BACKSTAGE IN WOODY HARRELSON'S DRESSING ROOM. THE SECOND HALF OF THE SHOW IS GOING TO BE BANANAS. >> SO TODAY THE LAKERS ARE 13th IN THE WESTERN CONFERENCE. DO YOU THINK THEY'LL MAKE THE PLAYOFFS? >> THE LAKERS HAVE A HISTORY THAT WOULD MAKE AVADAGO'S BEAKERS BOIL WITH CHEMISTRY. LeBRON, ANTHONY DAVIS, AND THE NEWBY DEANGLO RUSSELL, THEIR ON THE COURT ARTISTRY MOVES ME TO TEARS. ANTHONY DAVIS FOR THREE, GREAT SHOT. >> ARE YOU CALLING A GAME RIGHT NOW? >> MY SPIRIT GUIDE SENDS ME FLASHES OF WHAT IS, WHAT WAS, AND WHAT SHALL BE. SO I'M CALLING A GAME THAT TAKES PLACE NEXT WEDNESDAY. OH, D.LO WITH THE LAYUP, AND THE LEAD IS CUT TO SIX. >> SO YOU MUST KNOW THE FUTURE. I'LL ASK AGAIN. ARE THE LAKERS GOING TO MAKE THE PLAYOFFS? >> A LONG TIME AGO IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY, GOD HERSELF BIRTHED THE TECH TONIC MARVEL WE CALL LOS ANGELES, CHE. OUT OF BOUNDS. LAKERS BALL, THE REFS ARE GOING TO TAKE A LOOK AT THIS ONE. YES! WHAT WE NOW CALL PARADISE STARTED AS A MEGABONE YARD, BUT ITS SPIRIT HAS CARRIED ON JUST LIKE THE GRATEFUL DEAD CARRIED ON WHEN THEY BROUGHT IN THE NOODLER OF NATIONS, JOHN MAYIER, A POET WHOSE ONLY COLLEAGUES ARE THE PLANETS THEMSELVES. BIG DUNK FROM LeBRON, THROW IT DOWN! GOD, I WISH YOU COULD SEE THIS, MICHAEL. >> WELL, I CAN'T. SO TELL ME ARE THE LAKERS GOING TO MAKE THE PLAYOFFS? YES OR NO? >> YES THE LAKERS CAN MAKE THE PLAYOFFS IF THEY CAN ANSWER ONE SIMPLE QUESTION. IS THERE AN AFTERLIFE, AND WHAT SCIENTIFIC BASIS IS THERE FOR THE PERSISTENCE OF THE SOUL AFTER DEATH? OH, FOUL ON DAVIS. OH, FOR UNITY WITH THE STARS ARE PLACED IN THE MASSIVE -- TO BE CRADLED IN OUR CREATOR'S MAGNIFICENT BOSSOM AND HAVE HER WHISPER THE MAGICAL WORDS OF JABA THE HUT. >> BILL WALTON, EVERYBODY. >> THE LAKERS ARE FOULED. >> THANK YOU. >> THE PUBLISHER OF ROLL BOOKS ANNOUNCED THEY'RE ALTERING SOME OF HIS INSENSITIVE LANGUAGE LIKE THE WORDS FAT AND UGLY AS WELL AS MODERNIZING HIS PORTRAYAL OF WOMAN. WHICH WILL MOST LIKELY AFFECT THE BOOK, THE FAT UGLY WIFE WHO KNEW HER PLACE. >> IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT BRITTNEY GRINER HAS SIGNED WITH THE PHOENIX MERCURY FOR ONE YEAR. UNFORTUNATELY, THE WNBA PAYSLESS THAN A RUSSIAN PRISON. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LIKE THIS NEXT ONE. A FOUR-FOOT LONG ALLIGATOR WAS DISCOVERED IN BROOKLYN'S PROSPECT PARK. SO YOU CAN PROBABLY TAKE DOWN ALL THOSE MISSING DOG POSTERS. THANK YOU, THANK YOU. >> YEAH. THIS WEEK, BOTH HARVEY WEINSTEIN AND R. KELLY WERE GIVEN ADDITIONAL PRISON SENTENCES ON TOP OF THE ONES THEY ARE ALREADY SERVING, WHICH BRINGS US TO MICHAEL CHE'S NEW SEGMENT. >> WHAT DO THEY EVEN DO WRONG? >> I MEAN, MAINLY THEY'RE GUILTY OF LOVING TOO MUCH, RIGHT? A PLAYER'S GOT TO PLAY. AM I RIGHT, LADIES? NO. >> THIS HAS BEEN, WHAT DID THEY EVEN DO WRONG. >> YOU MAKE SOME GOOD POINTS, MICHAEL. A NEW REPORT SHOWS THAT NEW JERSEY HAS THE SECOND WORST ROADS IN THE COUNTRY. WHILE THE WORST ROADS ARE THE ONES THAT GO INTO NEW JERSEY. >> EXPERTS HAVE DEBUNKED CLAIMS THAT AN UNWANTED PREGNANCY CAN BE TERMINATED WITH HIGH DOSES OF VITAMIN C. THAT'S THE LAST TIME I ASK A WOMAN TO STAY OVER FOR BREAKFAST, COLIN. THE NBA'S SLAM DUNK CONTEST WAS WON BY MAC McCLUNG, A 6'2" WHITE MAN WHO HAS ONLY APPEARED IN TWO NBA GAMES, WHICH IS JUST A TERRIBLE WAY TO END BLACK HISTORY MONTH. >> THE NATIONAL BROTHERHOOD OF SKIERS IS PUSHING FOR GREATER REPRESENTATION OF BLACK PEOPLE IN WINTER SPORTS, WHICH ARE PREDOMINANTLY WHITE. HUH, SO IT SEEMS LIKE SOMEONE'S A LITTLE JEALOUS WE TOOK THEIR PRECIOUS DUNK CONTEST. >> MONDAY IS NATIONAL POLAR BEAR DAY. PREVIOUSLY KNOWN AS NATIONAL POLAR BEARS DAY. I DON'T KNOW. I LOVE THIS AUDIENCE. THIS IS GOING GREAT FOR ME. A WOMAN -- A WOMAN AT AN ART FAIR IN MIAMI ACCIDENTALLY SHATTERED A JEFF CON SCULPTURE WORTH MORE THAN $40,000. I GUESS IT'S LIKE YOU ALWAYS SAY, COLIN, COONS AIN'T SAFE IN FLORIDA. >> YOU'RE GOING TO GET ME KILLED. A NEW STUDY SHOWS THE COVID BABY A NEW STUDY SHOWS THE COVID BABY BUMP IS OVER AS FEWER AMERICANS ARE CHOOSING TO HAVE KIDS. HERE TO COMMENT ON JOYS OF MOTHER HOOD IS GINA BIANCHI, A WOMAN WITH FOUR DAUGHTERS AND ONE SON. >> HEY, SWEETHEART. YOU BOYS LOOK SO NICE. >> THANK YOU. SO YOU'RE A MOM OF FIVE. TELL US ABOUT MOTHERHOOD. >> I LOVE IT. SO I'VE GOT MY FOUR DAUGHTERS, AND MY DAUGHTERS ARE FINE. BUT MY SON, OH, MY GOD. I LOVE MY SON. SO HE CAME OVER LAST SUNDAY, HE WAS HUNGOVER. HE'S ALWAYS HUNGOVER. HE'S IN MY FRIDGE, HE'S PULLING OUT HAM, TURKEY, THE MAYONNAISE. HE'S FILLING UP A COOLER, HE LEAVES, DOESN'T SAY BYE. I'M CRACKING UP. MY DAUGHTERS SAY, THAT'S MA'S FOOD. YOU CAN'T TAKE MA'S FOOD. I SAY, WHO CARES? GIRLS, SHUT UP. ANTHONY'S 38 YEARS OLD. HE'S A GROWING BOY. MY DAUGHTERS, SO ANNOYING. BUT MY SON, OH, I LOVE MY SON. >> GOT IT. SO WHAT WOULD YOU TELL SOMEONE THAT'S ON THE FENCE ABOUT HAVING KIDS? >> THEY SURPRISE YOU EVERY DAY. LIKE YESTERDAY, MY SON, HE CAME OVER, WHAT WAS HE DOING? OH, HE WAS GOING THROUGH MY WALLET. THE KID IS PULLING OUT 20, 40, $60 BILLS. HE WRITES HIMSELF A CHECK FOR 14 GRAND FROM MY CHECKBOOK. WHAT'S HE WRITE IN THE MEMO? PUTTING UP WITH MA. I'M DYING OVER HERE. MY DAUGHTERS SAY, THAT'S MA'S MONEY. YOU CAN'T TAKE MA'S MONEY. I'M LIKE, GIRLS, PLEASE, YOU'RE NOT PRETTY ENOUGH TO BE THIS IRRITATING. BUT MY SON, OH, MY GOD, I LOVE MY SON. >> YEAH. NO. WE'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT YOUR SON. WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER. >> THEY'RE DOCTORS. BUT MY SON DID THIS HILARIOUS PRANK LAST NIGHT WHERE HE PRETENDED TO ROB ME AT GUN POINT. >> THAT'S TERRIBLE. >> MY DAUGHTERS SAY, YOU CAN'T DO THAT. MY DAUGHTERS, THEY BOUGHT ME A HOUSE. BUT MY SON, I MEAN, I WOULD IF I COULD. >> OKAY. ALL RIGHT. WELL -- >> I WOULD. I -- >> GETTING BACK TO THE TOPIC OF PARENTHOOD. DO YOU THINK YOUR KIDS ARE GOING TO HAVE KIDS SOME DAY. >> OH, PLEASE. THERE'S NOT A WOMAN OUT THERE GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY SON. >> SO ANTHONY'S SINGLE? >> NO. HE'S BEEN MARRIED FOR TWO YEARS. AND I JUST HAVE THIS FEELING, OKAY, THAT SHE IS GIVING HIM NOTHING IN BED. LIKE SHE COMPLETELY IGNORES HIS BALLS. >> OKAY. >> WHAT? >> WHY ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT THAT? >> OKAY. AND I BET SHE'S OBSESSED WITH HAVING AN ORGASM. LIKE, NO, HONEY. THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS. WHEN HE'S DONE, YOU'RE DONE. >> GINA BIANCHI, EVERYONE. >> I LOVE ALL MY KIDS EQUALLY. >> FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M COLIN JOST. >> I'M MICHAEL CHE. GOOD NIGHT.
