[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> MY FRIENDS, AND JUDAS. HEAR ME NOW FOR SOON I WILL LEAVE YOU AND JOIN MY FATHER IN HEAVEN. >> WE CANNOT LOSE YOU, JESUS. WE WILL PROTECT YOU. >> THEY WILL NEVER FIND YOU, JESUS. >> ALAS, ONE OF YOU WILL BETRAY ME. >> NO. >> WHAT? >> IT IS FORETOLD, AND THOUGH I HAVE COMMITTED NO CRIME, I WILL BE ARRESTED, TRIED, AND FOUND GUILTY. >> SOUND FAMILIAR? THANK YOU SO MUCH. A FAMOUS, WONDERFUL MAN ARRESTED FOR NO REASON AT ALL. IF YOU HAVEN'T PUT IT TOGETHER, FOLKS, I'M COMPARING MYSELF TO JESUS AGAIN. AND WHAT BETTER TIME THAN ON HIS BIRTHDAY, EASTER? AS WE SPEAK, I AM BEING PERSECUTED ON A LEVEL THE LIKES OF WHICH THE WORLD HAS NEVER SEEN, EVEN WORSE THAN THE LATE, GREAT JESUS. YOU KNOW, MANY PEOPLE ARE SAYING WE'RE VERY SIMILAR. WE'RE BOTH VERY TALL, VERY POPULAR, AND BOTH FRANKLY WHITE AMERICANS. YOU KNOW, JESUS DID SOME INCREDIBLE THINGS. SOME WOULD CALL THEM MIRACLES. IN TERMS OF FISH AND WITH REGARD TO BREAD. FISH AND BREAD. HE ROSE FROM THE DEAD ON THE THIRD DAY. I WOULD HAVE DONE IT FASTER, POSSIBLY TWO DAYS. I THINK WE COULD HAVE DONE IT A LOT FASTER. HE HAD A GOOD MIND FOR BUSINESS. WATER INTO WINE. PURE PROFIT. AND HE HAD BIG, BIG RALLIES JUST LIKE ME, AND A LOT OF HIS FOLLOWERS GOT IN BIG, BIG TROUBLE, JUST LIKE MINE. ALL BECAUSE I TOLD THEM EXACTLY WHAT JESUS WOULD HAVE SAID, GET VERY VIOLENT AND START A WAR. AND I'VE EVEN GOT MY VERY OWN JUDAS, RAN DeSANTIS. RON DeSANTIS CAME TO ME, TEARS IN HIS EYES, HE SAID, HELP ME, MR. TRUMP. I'M GOING TO LOSE MY ELECTION. SO I VERY GENEROUSLY PRETENDED TO LIKE HIM, AND THEN, HE DID A JUDAS. AND NOW HE CAN'T EVEN GET THE GAYS OUT OF DISNEY WORLD. LOOK AT THESE GUYS BACK HERE, HUH? THEY JUST HAVE TO SIT HERE FROZEN WHILE I TALK. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? MR. JESUS, QUITE A GUY. BUT NOW PEOPLE ARE SAYING PERHAPS I'M EVEN BETTER THAN JESUS BECAUSE I'M A SELF-MADE BILLIONAIRE, AND CHRIST WAS -- LET'S CALL IT WHAT IT IS -- A NEPO BABY. OKAY? I MEAN, HIS DAD WAS GOD. IT'S PRETTY EASY TO START A RELIGION WHEN YOUR DAD IS GOD. HE DID GOOD FRIDAY. I SAID, WHY NOT MAKE IT GREAT? WE CAN MAKE IT GREAT. WITH ME, WE'LL BE DOING GREAT FRIDAY, PERHAPS EVEN TGI-FRIDAYS WITH THE STUFF ON THE WALLS AND EVERYTHING. BUT WE LOVE EASTER, WE LOVE HIDING THE EGG. DON'T WE, FOLKS? WE LOVE HIDING THE LITTLE EGGS. YOU KNOW I HAVE MANY BEAUTIFUL EGGS FROM MY TIME AT THE WHITE HOUSE, AND NOW THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE ARE SAYING, WHERE ARE THE EGGS? WE NEED THE EGGS BACK. BUT I HID THEM. THEY'RE MY EGGS TO TAKE, OKAY? SO TOMORROW, I WILL EAT MY EASTER HAMBURGER WITH MY FAMILY, OR HOPEFULLY NOT. AND THEN AFTER THAT, THEY WILL COME FOR ME, LOCK ME AWAY. BECAUSE JUST LIKE JESUS, ALL I DID WAS BE FRIENDLY TO A SEX WORKER, AND NOW THEY WANT TO PUT ME IN JAIL. JUST AWFUL. BUT WHO KNOWS, FOLKS, MAYBE PRISON WILL MAKE ME EVEN MORE POPULAR. LIKE THAT GUY BACK THERE, JESUS OF ASKABAN, THAT GUY. JESUS OF ASKABAN, HE'S CALLED. AND THAT IS THE STORY OF EASTER. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESUS. LOOK AT THE FINGERS. DIDN'T STOP DOING THE FINGERS THE WHOLE TIME. WEIRD CHOICE WITH THE FINGERS. LOOK AT JESUS. SO HAPPY HANUKKAH TO ALL THE PASSOVERS, AND ALL THE RAMADANS DO. WE LOVE TO SAY RAMADAN. BUT MOSTLY HAPPY EASTER BECAUSE WE LIKE JESUS, RIGHT? STILL FROZEN WITH THE LITTLE HANDS. THEY'RE NOT EVEN GOING TO GET TO SAY THE BIG LINE. MAYBE IF YOU BREAK A BIG POLITICAL CHARACTER, YOU CAN SAY THE BIG LINE. I'M GOING TO DO IT BY MYSELF RIGHT NOW. SO HAPPY EASTER AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
