♪ ♪
I'M TAYLOR TOMLINSON AND YOU'RE WATCHING "AFTER
MIDNIGHT", THE SHOW WHERE WE TAKE COMEDIAS AND TURN THEIR
SOCIAL MEDIA ADDICTION INTO A COMPETITION.
TONIGHT, OUR EYES WILL DINE ON DELICIOUS VISUAL MORSELS SUCH AS
THIS: ♪ ♪
BUT BEFORE WE GET TO THAT, LET'S MEET TONIGHT'S PANELISTS!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] CURRENTLY ON HER NATIONWIDE
STANDUP TOUR, IT'S COMEDIAN VANESSA GONZALEZ!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> I'M SO HAPPY TO BE HERE, MY
MOM SAID TO SAY THAT I LOVE HER. [LAUGHTER]
HI, MOM. >> Taylor: STARRING IN APPLE'S
"MANHUNT" OUT MARCH 15, IT'S COMEDIAN MATT WALSH!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> I JUST GOT MY BLOOD WORK
BACK, AND LOOKS LIKE I AM 100% TO THAT BITCH.
AND IT'S TRUE. >> Taylor: [LAUGHS]
HER BOOK "GREAT IDEA" IS IN STORES NOW, IT'S COMEDIAN SUZI
BARRETT! >> THANK YOU, TAYLOR.
I'M EXCITED TO ANNOUNCE I JUST SOLD A BRAND-NEW GAME TO
"THE NEW YORK TIMES" CALLED SCORED ALL.
>> Taylor: "AFTER MIDNIGHT" STARTS NOW!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ♪ ♪
OKAY, COMEDIANS, TONIGHT YOU'LL ALL BE PLAYING FOR...
THIS BAG OF LOOSE RANCH DRESSING!
>> OKAY! >> Taylor: I'VE BEEN TOLD IT'S
THREE AND A HALF BOTTLES WORTH. MAKES YOU WANNA WIN, DOESN'T IT?
>> CAN RANCH DRESSING EVER BE LOOSE?
>> Taylor: THIS FEELS PRETTY LOOSE.
>> IT COSTS A LOT ON THE STREET. >> Taylor: [LAUGHS]
OKAY. LET'S START WITH WHAT'S GOING
DOWN IN THE "GROUP CHAT!" COMEDIANS, BUZZ IN WITH YOUR
JOKES, AND IF YOU HEAR THIS NOISE --
[BUZZER] YOU GET 100 POINTS.
THESE ARE THE STORIES PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT ON THE INTERNET
TODAY. IN MOM NEWS, A TIKTOK WENT VIRAL
THIS WEEK OF A MOTHER TRYING ON A VR HEADSET FOR THE FIRST TIME.
AND LIKE ALL VR EXPERIENCES, IT WENT OFF WITHOUT A HITCH.
[SCREAMING] >> [BLEEP]!
WHAT WAS THAT? >> OH, MY GOD!
>> Taylor: SHE JUST WENT HEADFIRST INTO THAT STOVE LIKE
SHE WAS SYLVIA PLATH! GOOD GOD!
PANEL, WHAT WAS THIS MOTHER RUNNING TOWARDS?
[BUZZER] VANESSA.
>> THOUGH JEREMY CALVIN KLEIN COMMERCIAL.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> THAT'S IT.
>> Taylor: THAT IS THE ONE RIGHT THERE.
YOU KNOW WHAT, ANOTHER 100 POINTS.
BECAUSE HE LET US ALL THINK ABOUT IT AGAIN.
>> COME ON, FRIEND! >> Taylor: [LAUGHS]
YOU'VE HEARD OF GIRL MATH, BUT FOR MANY, THE GIRL SAT'S ARE
JUST AROUND THE CORNER. I'M OF COURSE REFERRING TO THIS
QUESTION: IF TAYLOR SWIFT HAS A CONCERT IN TOKYO ON FEBRUARY
10TH AT 6:00 PM, WILL SHE BE ABLE TO MAKE IT TO LAS VEGAS THE
NEXT DAY FOR THE SUPERBOWL TO SUPPORT HER MAN?
KEEP IN MIND: HER SHOW IS FOUR HOURS LONG, THE TIME DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN TOKYO AND LAS VEGAS IS 17 HOURS, THE FLIGHT IS 13
HOURS, AND THEY'RE STILL IN THE EARLY STAGES OF THEIR
RELATIONSHIP SO SHOWING UP REALLY MATTERS.
[LAUGHTER] THERE'S NO WAY I COULD FIGURE
THIS OUT. BUT THIS SHOW ISN'T ABOUT THE
RIGHT ANSWERS, IT'S ABOUT THE WRONG QUESTIONS.
SO COMEDIANS, WHAT ARE SOME OTHER CELEBRITY MATH PROBLEMS?
[BUZZER] >> Taylor: MATT.
>> PETE DAVIDSON WAS ENGAGED TO ARIANA GRANDE FOR FIVE MONTHS
AND DATED KIM KARDASHIAN AND EMILY REDDICK HOUSEKEEPER 23
MONTHS, HOW BIG IS PETE'S PENIS? >> Taylor: I THINK WE ALL WANT
TO KNOW. [BUZZER]
SUSIE. >> IF NICHOLAS SHEA RELEASES ONE
NEW SINGLE FOR EVERY FIVE SEASONS OF "TO LOVE IS BLIND"
WHY? >> Taylor: [LAUGHS]
SOCIAL MEDIA IS GREAT AT EXPOSING INJUSTICES, AND THE
MOST RECENT ONE I AM TAKING VERY PERSONALLY.
BECAUSE ACCORDING TO A SMALL BUT VOCAL PART OF TIKTOK, I, TAYLOR
TOMLINSON, HAVE BEEN TRICKED INTO HOSTING A GAME SHOW?
>> CBS HAS TAYLOR TOMLINSON RUNNING A LATE NIGHT TALK SHOW,
INSTEAD, WHEN I WATCHED IT, I WAS BAMBOOZLED, BECAUSE AT SOME
SORT OF LIKE GAME SHOW MODELED AFTER A SHOW IN THE '90s.
NOT ONLY HAS THE HOLDING BEEN DISINGENUOUS TO TAYLOR TOMLINSON
COME TO THE FANS, TO EVERYONE, THEY ARE JUST [BLEEP] UP!
CBS'S ROYALLY SCREWING OVER TAYLOR TOMLINSON.
>> Taylor: FIRST OF ALL, I AM 30, BUT THANK YOU.
WE ARE BASED ON A SHOW FROM THE 2010s.
AND I REALLY APPRECIATE THIS MAN AND ALL OF MY FANS, BUT I
PROMISE I HAVE NOT BEEN TRICKED. I SIGNED UP FOR THIS ON PURPOSE.
I DO NOT WANT TO DO A TALK SHOW. DO YOU THINK I WANT TO ASK
DANIEL DAY-LEWIS ABOUT PREPARING FOR HIS ROLE AS AN 1800s
POLISH BUTCHER. NO, I WANT TO MAKE A NEW
#ForteSong. DANIEL, THAT'S FOR YOU, COME ON
THE SHOW! >> BUT THIS GUY IS CLEARLY AN
AUTHORITY BECAUSE HE HAS A LAPTOP IN HIS BATHROOM.
>> YES. >> Taylor: COMEDIANS, SINCE
PEOPLE INSIST I DON'T KNOW I HAVE BEEN DUPED, WHAT ELSE HAVE
BUT I'VE BEEN TRICKED ABOUT? [BUZZER]
>> TAYLOR, WOMEN REALLY AREN'T FUNNY.
>> Taylor: DAMN IT. [BUZZER]
>> OH, THEY MADE YOU THINK YOU ARE THE TAYLOR THAT IS DATING
TRAVIS KELCE. >> Taylor: [BLEEP].
"ELMO IS JUST CHECKING IN! HOW IS EVERYBODY DOING?"
UNFORTUNATELY FOR HIM, EVERYONE DECIDED TO ANSWER HONESTLY, LIKE
THIS, ELMO, I'M GOING TO BE REAL, I AM AT MY [BLEEP] LIMIT.
YEAH, ELMO, A LOT OF [BLEEP] GOING ON!
CLIMATE CHANGE! INFLATION!
OSCAR'S NOT THE ONLY ONE LIVING IN TRASH!
SO COMEDIANS, NOW THAT ELMO HAS BEEN EXPOSED TO THE HARSH
REALITIES OF THE WORLD, WITH YOUR BEST ELMO IMPRESSION,
WHAT'S GOING TO BE HIS NEXT LESSON ON "SESAME STREET?"
[BUZZER] >> THE LETTER OF THE DAY IS P,
AS AN POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION. NOBODY TALKS ABOUT IT.
>> Taylor: [LAUGHS] MATT.
>> IN THE UNITED STATES THERE IS ONLY ONE PARTY, THE BUSINESS
PARTY, AND ELMO IS NOT INVITED. >> Taylor: SUZI.
>> THIS IS HOW YOU DRAW A W, AND THAT STANDS FOR "WE MIGHT BE
ABOUT TO SET A PRECEDENT WHERE A FORMER PRESIDENT CAN GRANT
HIMSELF BLANKET IMMUNITY FOR CRIMES HE COMMITTED IN THE
WHITE HOUSE." [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Taylor: VANESSA IS IN THE LEAD WITH 700 POINTS.
SUZI IS IN SECONDS WITH 600, AND MATT IS IN THIRD WITH 500.
IF YOU ARE HEARING THAT NOISE,
