Week in My Life | Panic Attacks, Birthdays, & Distance Learning

I am living my nightmare right now I'm just outside of the mechanics just waiting for them to see what's going on and I just hate being at places like this because I literally have nothing to do nothing to look at but I'm just waiting to see what the issue is he's checking it out been here probably a good hour at this point and I just want to go hello everybody it is now the next day it is Tuesday March 31st it's actually my birthday today and my mom's birthday so please wish my mom a happy birthday in the comment section if you would like to yesterday the last clip that I took I was sitting outside of the mechanics office because I took my car in because I was having an issue with the coolant the check coolant light coming on and soon after that I had a very interesting experience and by interesting I mean scary and if you follow me on Instagram you probably already know but yesterday soon after I took that clip I had what I believe was my first panic attack and so I didn't blog for the rest of the day because honestly I was really kind of like shaken by that experience when it was over with so long story short I was sitting outside we didn't hear what exactly was going on with my car I felt fine and then all of a sudden I didn't feel fine and basically by not feeling fine I felt very hot sorry Genisys I felt very hot I felt nauseated and just feeling nauseated gives me anxiety because I have like this phobia or fear throwing up and I haven't done so since the first grade and sorry if that's TMI but I get very nervous when I think I'm going to need to throw up so I got up and I walked inside because I was just sitting outside and waiting and I thought well maybe I just need to go inside cuz maybe I'm just hot and I need to like cool and it didn't help and in fact I started to feel like worse and so then I got up and thought I just need to get to a bathroom like put some water on my face whatever I need to do like if I'm gonna have to throw up I need to at least be in the bathroom and I couldn't find the bathroom so then I got more anxious and then my stomach started to hurt and one of the employees happened to be near at that time and I asked him if you worked there he said yes and I said can you please direct me to the bathroom like where's the bathroom so as he's walking me to the bathroom is when it really got really bad I couldn't keep pace with the speed he was walking and he wasn't walking that fast and I'm halfway there I just started to get extremely lightheaded and like blurred vision and I really thought I was going to pass out so Midway to the bathroom I had to stop and tell him okay I think I need to just turn around and get some water because I think I'm gonna pass out right now and so then we turn around and he's like rushing me back to where I had just come from and said let's have you sit down there's a couch in there I'll get you some water so as I'm walking back like it was just the most bizarre feeling I've never had anything like this before I've never had an anxiety attack never had a panic attack and the way I described to people as I said you like everything was just like turning white like from the outside in so it was like slowly turning white coming from both sides and it was like I was there but I wasn't I could hear people around me but I couldn't hear them like clearly if that makes sense and I honestly thought that for split second I thought I wonder if like I'm dying because that's what it felt like it felt like an out-of-body experience like being present in a place but then not being present so luckily I made it to the room I needed to get to to sit down because I was really worried that I was gonna pass out right then and there on asphalt around people that I didn't know but I made it back into the room and sat down and put my head down and by this time I was just like sweating profusely like just sweating and I couldn't stop sweating so I just put my head down and by the time he made it back with water I started to feel better but I was a little shaky I think because I was like nervous shook up and all of that so I calmed down eventually and then the mechanic came in and he's like are you okay were you having a panic attack and I said I think so because I didn't know he actually said anxiety attack and I said I think so because I didn't know what else it was but I really think it was more like a panic attack and I'm not really sure the nuances that deciphers one from the other so he's like okay good and he's like now I don't want to tell you what's wrong with your car because then that might make it worse and then we just kind of laughed about it and then he told me what I need to get done with my car which is gonna cost me about five hundred dollars which is a whole nother story but then I came home and I didn't really do much for the rest of the day I came home I talked to my mom I talked to my sister and I just decided not to do much else I was gonna go for a run but I thought that would be a bad idea so I just kind of laid low yesterday after that I did end up going to have a properly socially distance dinner outside with Liza and a friend of mine to celebrate my birthday and my friend's birthday we kept ourselves separate from each other which was nice just to have some company and then I got home late at night like a well not that late but like 10:00 so that was yesterday which brings us to today sorry my birthday and so part of that anxiety or panic that I feel like I was having yesterday I think has something to do with that today is my birthday it's also my mom's birthday and knowing that this is gonna be the first birthday in a long time that we don't get to spend together and honestly birthdays always trigger not always but birthdays always have the potential to trigger something within me so with every birthday I have this fear of is it gonna be one of those birthdays where I like get anxious about the fact that I'm another year older and by turning another year older like moving forward and age means I'm moving further away from the potential of having like kids and that gives me anxiety and turning another year older it's just another year that I've been single and so those things tend to come up for me during birthdays and some years they don't like last year's birthday it wasn't even a part of my thought process at all I had a great birthday I was not feeling anything like that this birthday I was nervous because of the situation I think you know I told someone I never thought I could feel more single than I already did but being in isolation does make you feel more single and so then that triggers the feeling of like oh you're single on your birthday and how long have you been single and so I was really nervous about that and I know a lot of people will say you'll find the person and in due time and and God has a plan and all those things and that is true but you also at the same time I've been been holding it together and telling myself it's gonna be fine and convincing myself everything's okay for like years now like more than 10 years and that takes a lot of emotional and psychological energy and strength just to constantly tell yourself you are okay you will be content when you know that there's something that you feel like you're missing and you know whether you want to admit it or not biologically time is running out for you and there's nothing that I can really do about it I don't have the funds to save my eggs so that's not an option I could adopt and that would be great but you know if if I had the choice I would prefer to have my own child so I think all of that plus the situation that we're all living in plus just general life anxieties and other things that I'm trying to accomplish and other goals that I've set for myself professionally and financially just like all came together at that moment I certainly hope that that is the first time I've experienced that and the last time because it was scary the good news is that I'm feeling better today I didn't wake up with an overwhelming feeling of depression or sadness which is what I was nervous by and I think it's because I just woke up to like several messages from friends peope family people on Instagram wishing me a happy birthday and that made me feel less alone today so that was good I got up I slept way later than I intended to I overslept by like an hour I went up and got out to go for a run so I ran three miles this morning and then I went to pick up my free birthday cake from everything but cake and I got my free Starbucks and I bought myself some mangos cuz I love to eat those and I'm I came home showered ate I just had a zoom call what some friends of mine that are going to be participating in a zoom call or not as soon call participating in an online panel for the Q conference that we were supposed to do live obviously last week but because of the coronavirus that got cancelled so hopefully if you're watching this you tuned into that call and got to see us talk about our experiences as teachers on social media and now I'm getting ready to eat a little bit of lunch that was I just realized my fingers been there that whole time that was provided to me by a friend of mine Stephanie so she doordash me some lunch since we couldn't go out to lunch together the other thing that I got so far I gotta show you this is I got this birthday present from my neighbor who also happens to be a friend of mine we used to teach at the same school together and she was actually my mentor teacher when I first started at the school I was at not the last goal but the school before that the one that I've been at the longest and in here are two rolls of toilet paper and now I never thought that I would be excited to get toilet paper for my birthday but you know so I got that and then not too long ago the dogs are going to be upset because I'm going to interrupt them not too long ago my neighbor also sent over some flowers and my neighbor happens to be a friend of mine and her son also was in my class so this was really sweet she sent me this bouquet of flowers from her and her family which really did brighten my day and that's it so I'm really trying to make the best of this birthday so that's it for right now I'm really trying to make the best of this birthday as I can I think I'm gonna eat my lunch and then maybe work on a couple of things I'm not exactly sure sorry it's start I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to work on but just that's it that's that's how this birthday is going to be when all this gets back to normal I'm sure we'll go out and have like a proper celebration with friends so that's what's going on I'm gonna let you say hello to the dogs because a couple of you commented that you'd like to seeing them so here is Genesis saying hi there she is Miss Riley looking like he has an attitude say hi Riley all right so I'm gonna have lunch they're probably gonna sleep and we'll see well hello everyone and this is Wednesday much later than I expect it to be checking in I've actually been busy like really busy or occupy today and I wasn't really expecting it so so far today I woke up I went for a run I went to pick up some items from Target I think I'm considering that that my target run for the week and then I came home I was on a zoom call with one of my administrators I've been doing some work stuff responding to emails responding to student questions things like that and now I'm just like in there sending out emails and doing some other things like that it's such a nice day I've been working in my office which has been nice because the weather is nice and there's a nice little breeze a minute ago I had both dogs in here with me right now it's just Riley he's my little Riley he's my little my little buddy wherever I am he's going to be Genesis's probably downstairs laying in front of one of the windows because she likes to lay in the sunlight but I'm really trying it like I need to have like more of a structured schedule in my life like yes I'm teaching remotely and doing those things but it's not like a structure schedule like it would be at school and that's just kind of messing with my mind or messing with my flow or making me feel like I don't know I just making me feel a little bit off so I'm trying to figure out how to put one of those in place in a time where things are a little bit unstructured by nature of what we're doing but I wanted to show you what I got at Target because this is where we're at I was supposed to be getting a new manicure today but obviously that's not gonna happen so this if it focuses is how dear well that helped this is the current state of my nails it's not focusing but they're really not that bad let me see if I can turn it this way let's see there we go so you can see it's not really that bad yet it's been three weeks they're hanging on and these are my nails with the exception of I think I cracked the nail like really bad here this one this one is a tip so you can see that my nail has now started to grow back but the rest are my nails and it's just like a thick gel I'm three weeks in I'm just gonna hold on to this for as long as I can and when we get to the point where I can't hold on to that any longer I'm not really sure what I'm gonna do I'm gonna have to find a way to take it off it just makes me sad because it's taken a while for my nails to get to this state so I'm gonna need to find some kind of product to keep them strengthened which is why I use that really thick gel so in addition to that I also don't know what's going to be happening with my hair I do have a hairdresser that is willing to do home visits but I just don't know that I want to do that even though we're both young and all of that but at the same time I need to get some things taken out of my hair and I don't want to do it on my own I'm not gonna worry about that until I have to worry about it and then I'm also things like getting my eyebrows waxed hit all of that so I bought this today at Target I'm a little worried and skeptical because I there's not a lot of like directions on this it was either this or waxing strips and the thought of me waxing my own face sounds very frightening to me so I found this this was about twenty dollars it says it's perfect for all facial hair and so we're gonna have to do something because my eyebrows need to be kept clean and you know I do wax other parts of my face so I got this in addition to just regular personal care items like lotion baby oil and all of that but it's I know this is a first of all world problem and I'm gonna go and say that but it's just you don't realize how much you rely on others for little things and self-care until you don't have access to those people or those things so that's where I'm at now I'm thinking about walking the dogs to Pet Smart today instead of just walking them around the neighborhood like I normally do I need to pick up the refill for Genesis's prescription and Pet Smart is about a mile away from here and when I walk them on a normal basis that walk-in total is one and a half miles so walking to Pet Smart and back would really only equate to about a half a mile more and that seems doable for me I'm just not sure about the dogs because you know Riley's he's a little chubby and he has little legs and my fear is that he's gonna get tired at some point so that's on my agenda I'm getting ready for the panel that I'm going to be a part of tomorrow with the Q conference this was something we were supposed to do in person but obviously that's not happening so there's some things I need to put together for that and start thinking about my lesson plans for next week so that has been what has been up so far today I'm just thankful for just having a nice day and generally being in good spirits so I'm gonna get back to work and when I actually use this I'm gonna try and use it tonight I think when I actually use this I will let you know if it works because I'm sure there's some of you out there that are in the same boat as I am so I'll be sure to let you guys know alright it is much later in the day it's eleven thirty nine just checking to see if I closed all my rings for the day but I don't that I did haven't been has like productive as I want you today yes and no I've gotten things done just not as quickly as I wanted to so right now I'm in here making a Google Form for office hours because I'm going to start that officially tomorrow I just want to find a way to make sure that I maximize the time that I'm setting aside from this and so the thing that kind of like is annoying is that you can set up office hours but you don't really know if anyone's going to show up and I just desperately want to know ahead of time is someone going to show up so I thought I wonder if I can have them sign up for time slots on a Google form or a Google Doc the Google form wouldn't work obviously but a Google Doc could work but then the problem is if I give that document or if I give every student access to that document there's nothing to prevent a student from going in any erasing someone just to be funny or just to be mean and then me missing an appointment or a meeting with the student that way so that didn't work so what I think I've come up with is a good option so I'm making a Google Form and I'm just most excited by this cute little background I'm making a Google Form that just basically tells them that my office hours will be Tuesdays and Thursdays from 11:30 to 12:30 this is from my homeroom class there will be a different block of time for my switch class and I'm asking everyone to fill this out by putting their first name and last name which should just take them a hot second and let me know do they need to meet with me today so they're either gonna say yes no or not today and then it says if you are planning on meeting with me today what do you need help with or have a question about just so that I have an idea going into it or if you just want to say hello you can do that as well and then they have the space to answer that so these first two questions are going to be required this one's not because obviously if someone feels like they don't need to me then there wouldn't be any purpose for them to type anything there so my plan is in just a second with that form I'm going to schedule over my message to go out tomorrow morning at eight o'clock with this attached letting them know that I will have office hours today and that I am asking for them to fill out this form just so that I know how many students to expect so that I can plan accordingly so I think that is as close as I can get to scheduling them and having some sense of who needs to meet with me and how many students that is going to be so I've just done that sorry my arm was getting tired but last I spoke to you what did I do I did some things for the panel that I'm going to be on tomorrow so I'd say like get some things set up for that I walked the dogs I talked to a friend of mine and her daughter I ate dinner just had some more ice cream and cake I the biggest part is I put my laundry away I cannot tell you how many weeks I've had clean laundry in a basket just not put away because I'm not on a set schedule and I finally said is enough said enough is enough I got the laundry put away and I also talked to my sister so I find that I spend so much more time on the phone talking to people now because that's really our only way to connect so my sister and I had talked for a minute and then I came up here after eat dinner to kind of get this done and situated so on the list of things to do I made for myself I can check this off and now I'm just me to Google form to check in format like that needs to be cancelled now I just need to schedule this message on remind and I can check that off also and the only thing left for me to do according to this they make sure nothing on there is private according to this to-do list on my phone is I need to figure out what I want to talk about in my financial video for the month of March and I was supposed to get Genesis's prescription today but I forgot they closed early so we didn't get to walk to Banfield so that's gonna have to happen to morrow so I'm gonna go ahead and say goodnight for the day finish this up shower hopefully get situated and read and really just work on getting myself into some kind of civilized functioning routine so that I can just be better so see you tomorrow good morning it is Friday morning it is probably around 11:00 right now I am at a Volkswagen dealer because I'm getting my car checked I think I mentioned earlier this week that I was taking it to a mechanic the mechanic where I had my panic attack at because the check cool it like keeps coming on and I didn't know why so I got a little leery because when I called that mechanic back to make arrangements to drop my car off he couldn't really remember when he had diagnosed my car with and Volkswagens are like kind of finicky about certain things so I'm just always leery about getting certain types of repairs secondly I wanted to know if the issue that I'm having is somehow covered under a warranty or recall so I just drop my car off and I'm just waiting for the shuttle to take me home but there is a chance that it's just a leak that is covered by a warranty because I have less than a hundred thousand miles on my car so my fingers are crossed so I'm just waiting on the shuttle to take me back home because it could take all day but I'm just really hoping that this is going to be covered Here I am yeah yeah yeah so my shovels here I got it alright it is now about three o'clock and I'm actually waiting to be picked up now from a courtesy show from Volkswagen so the bad news it well there's there's I said that as if there's going to be good news and I don't really think that there is good news right now no that's nothing the bad news is is the repair that could have been covered by warranty I think I said set this when I was waiting for the courtesy shuttle to be ready we were hoping that the reason my coolant light was coming on was due to a part that was it actually under warranty because even though my car is seven years old it is 2013 it only has 60,000 miles on it so this warranty covered covers the car up to a hundred thousand miles right now it doesn't sound like that's actually the issue I believe there is what do you said is there's an oil leak and you sent me pictures to kind of show that and it's something that needs to be repaired because I don't fix it it's just going to lead to bigger more expensive problems and the total cost of that with parts and labor is over rightly rightly it's over hey hey hey stop Riley it's over two thousand dollars that's over two thousand dollars to get that repaired and many will say we'll take it somewhere else and my problem is is that what they diagnosed the problem as is not what the mechanic that I went to earlier said it was so I don't necessarily trust that process and it's just one of those things like I don't want to spend money getting something fixed by someone who works on foreign cars but doesn't necessarily only work on Volkswagens get that fixed and then not have the full problem address and then have to go back and spend more money so that is the bad news of the day if I put a positive spin on this I could say well because I've been working towards just being better financially I do have the emergency fund that I just really got funded a couple months ago so that's a good portion of where the money is gonna come from and I don't have certain payments coming out this month like my Orangetheory subscription won't come out because it's closed and I can funnel that money there and I think I have my stipend coming in from my Union being the site rep at my school site so that's money coming there and that's all good it's just that it's frustrating cuz I feel like I'm taking a step back and so it's hard to think about that when you are just like in the middle of it so that's that in terms of teaching and how that's going I just spent a little over two hours doing google meets with my homeroom in swich class I did it with my partner teacher and so we were talking about how going forward we're doing it because we know the kids want to socialize but we need to give them a purpose in socializing so the first one was like kind of all over the place the second one with my homeroom class I gave them some riddles and we kind of talked them through and that made it a little bit fun on the hard part and what's interesting is you still have those kids that you know they're there but they aren't seen and so it's a little awkward for me to talk to someone that I can't physically see on the screen if that makes sense so that took about two hours and then I just finished chatting with another student just to check in with her to make sure she's okay and I need to come back after I get my car situated and like figure out what's gonna happen with distance learning for next week as well as look over the work that they've done this week so in the moment I'm feeling a little overwhelmed a little stressed by just like my car situation and is this learning and all of that so we're just waiting on the shutter right now I need to straighten up a little bit and then I gotta get focused so happy Friday I think it might Starbucks today that'll because I'm trying to keep that little bit of normalcy in my life so I don't I don't know I might talk to you guys later I'm not sure with you know I will talk to you later because I do have to close out the vlog for the week so I'll talk to you it's now about 6:30 I'm sitting here with Jenny say hi Jenny she's sniffling and I really just want to close out the vlog for the week and if I were to be honest right now I'm just like I just can't I just can't with distance learning right now I think I just talked to one of my assistant principals and just told her I just feel so like over stimulated or overworked mentally and so we kind of talked about some reasons why and the bottom line is is I think it's just stripped me of all self-assuredness I normally would have in my teaching life in terms of like knowing what to expect knowing what to do being able to predict what's going to go wrong and how to rectify that and it's almost left me feeling like I don't have that that sense of security because I have never done most of this before and I don't think we really I think we're under estimating the amount of anxiety that is created by spending the vast majority of your day looking at a screen responding to emails all day responding to texts like everything that we're doing to teach involves like a piece of tech which involves a screen of some sort and there's very minimal human interaction in the process and I think for me that is what causes me to have this heightened sense of stress because there is no variation in my interactions and I think that's what's difficult so I need to kind of look at the work that my students submitted for the week see who submitted it see who did not give them some feedback think about what I need to do next week think about what I need to include in the video that I'll probably record and just get ready for another week I think my fear right now is that this feeling of anxiety that I find I'm having quite frequently in relationship to my teaching life I can't like sustain this like I cannot be living feeling like this for the next seven weeks of school which is what we have left and the feeling of potentially feeling like that for more than a couple days gives me that much more anxiety so I'm gonna try and like take it down a notch take it easy and just kind of regroup and really kind of pinpoint what is causing me the anxiety and see if I can address that and go from there so that's how many of the vaad I'm sorry I didn't really end it on like a high note or a happy note but that's just like the reality of it and I do want to be as truthful as possible about how what this feels like or what distance learning may feel like for a teacher and what are the the pros if any I don't really know that there aren't pros in the grand scheme of things versus the cons or what's easier what's difficult so sorry to end it on kind of kind of a downer but if you enjoy seeing yet another week in my life that involved a little bit of everything please give this video a thumbs up subscribe if you have not already make sure to go over to Instagram and follow me if you have not done that as well and I will be sure to see you guys next week for another week in my life so until then see you later you

Channel: SmartieStyle

Views: 7,013

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Length: 31min 52sec (1912 seconds)

Published: Sun Apr 05 2020