Intimidation & Coercive Control: How & Why It Holds You Hostage

hello and welcome to save your sanity i'm doctor british shaler and today we're going to be talking about something that just keeps you stuck and that is the topic of intimidation and how it relates to coercive control you know i've done episodes before about coercive control it's important for us to understand all the elements and intimidation is one of those and generally we know what it means of course we know what it means but when you're in a relationship with a person who is disordered and has traits patterns cycles that are different than most people these wonderful people i call hijackals whatever they are doing they are endeavoring to have power over you and one of the ways to maintain or create that is through intimidation so i want to take it apart tonight and really have you have an opportunity to listen to all the discrete parts of it so that you can see all the angles that a hijackal may be coming from and help you understand more fully what is happening in those moments so you know savior sanity is available to you at saviorsanitypodcast.com and it is available too for you to support at patreon.com save your sanity you can make a um you can make a donation there of one-time donation or you can pledge a dollar or ten every month whatever number that suits you to keep this on the air and available more and more episodes and that's an important thing for us to be looking at because we want to support the things that feed us well so tonight's topic as i said is intimidation and coercive control and i want to help you understand the how and why it's holding you hostage now evan stark dr evan stark is the man who wrote the book called coercive control and he talks about intimidation in this way and i wanted to read you his exact words he says that intimidation instills fear dependency compliance loyalty and shame and secrecy as well offenders induce these effects in three ways primarily notice the word offender offenders induce these effects in three ways primarily through threats surveillance and degradation intimidation relies heavily on what a person's past experience tells them their partner is likely to do and what they imagine the offender might do or is capable of doing now you know that hijackals want compliance they always want you to comply with whatever it is they want they demand they expect and then if you do it you know how sneaky they are as soon as you do it they move the markers right you do exactly what they asked you to do and they say oh no i wanted something different i wanted something more and that is really really sneaky and nasty it really is and so this desire for compliance and then the desire to have power over you means comply with what i want but then it won't be good enough you have to do something more and remember these three things that were in that definition that is going to be through threats surveillance and degradation one of those three things is likely to come up and all three of those are wildly intimidating right they truly are so it's important to notice so let's talk about intimidation you know it's it's used to keep the abuse a secret and they want to instill fear they want you to be afraid of them they want you to be afraid of the consequences of not obeying them they want you to be afraid of moving over the line that's full and on intimidation like don't you go there don't you even try it because i'm not going to tell you what'll happen but it won't be good you know that feeling you know that look you know what goes on so as we take this apart into the parts of intimidation and break it down just think about all those ways that you've had the side eye you know who do you think you are what do you think you're doing all of that kind of thing is intimidation to keep you in line in control and so you get those fears of dependence and secrecy and loyalty and shame and they're really very very happy to to traffic and shame they want to keep you degraded they want that to be a problem and so these these three things the threat surveillance and degradation are things that you really need to take seriously how often are you being threatened and in what way we're going to talk about that a little more fully then are you being surveilled now that may mean a gps on your phone a gps attached to your car but there's another way that hijack will surveil you and that is what i call digital surveillance they're putting their digits on the cell phone repeatedly where are you where are you what are you coming home why didn't you answer it's only 10 minutes to get home and you've you're it's 11 minutes where are you what are you doing the constant surveilling the need to know the need to stay in touch the need to be aware of controlling your move all of that fits into that surveillance piece and the degradation is where they wear you down they tear you down they put you down over and over and over not so much in front of people except when they do it in front of people they are trying to get away with slighting you hoping and knowing that they have you intimidated not to call them out not to respond to it laugh it off or fall silent does that sound familiar because that's how they manage the degradation part so then we get the place where we need to understand why intimidation succeeds well you've been chosen by this person because they believe that they can have power over you and hijack ghosts can read you like a book they can size you up from afar they they almost have an 18th sense about this and then maybe you were anxious to be liked anxious to belong and so they see that they think ah live one here and so the intimidation succeeds because of your past trauma perhaps things have happened to you that you haven't healed you may not even be aware of them i know many times when i'm working with my clients something comes up and they'll say i never remembered that before or i never thought about it in that light before oh my goodness is yes that happened to me and the light bulb goes on because they hadn't realized the small pieces of trauma that add up to big results and a hijackal can read that they know and then they want to get all tender with you and all sweet and everything why because they want you to tell you their secrets [Music] they want you to tell them your secrets and when you tell them their secrets because you feel seen and known and someone's paying a lot of attention to you they're hiding them away stalking them away because those are going to become weapons later they're going to use those secrets against you even if you tell them that you're afraid of something or something scares you they will use that at the most inopportune moments and intimidate you with that so intimidation succeeds because they can read your past trauma and then if you are the kind of person and i hope you're not but when you're dating you think oh i should just tell them everything because that draws us closer and that's full disclosure no no no no no remember dating is an audition and you want them to audition you want to find out what's going on with them so make sure that when you are dating your conversation is equitable you're learning as much about the other person as they are learning about you and start very slowly and very close to the surface don't go deeply until you know this person well enough now what else might cause intimidation to succeed it's fear of what your partner will do if you don't comply you know they drop enough hints they say enough things they get you feeling like oh would they really do that would that really be a problem oh no they'd never do that oh yes they would and that's really important to remember those things are really important so intimidation by a coercive partner will succeed if you are concerned that that partner will do something nasty if you don't comply so you pull back from the edge and you comply and that is a success to the hijackal because they got you to do what they wanted you to do and another reason that these this intimidation succeeds is that childish thing that is left over from our childhood you know some of us have had parents who kind of had that attitude do it or else and you're never sure what the or else is but it's intimidating you don't really want to find out what the or else is right and so you they succeed in intimidating you because you comply because you don't want to find out what the or else is and so it's important to recognize what's going on there when when there's enough intimidation it undermines your willingness to resist you get tired you just lose your confidence you lose the will to fight you've had enough experiences with the person to know that it's a bit of a losing battle most of the time you feel and so you're just exhausted you're emotionally exhausted some of them will keep you physically exhausted you know i've had clients where the hijackal would wake them up in the middle of the night and want to talk and then they'd have to get up to go to work the next day and the intimidation would be when you should wake up when i want to talk to you after all you say that you want to talk and it just gets deeper and deeper and deeper in that way more and more difficult more and more build up of exhaustion in so many ways and the abuser will decide that if they've got you so controlled that you're unwilling to resist they've worn you down and torn you down and put you down to that place where ah it's just easier to give in then they recognize that violence won't be necessary because they can keep you under their thumb with just the side eye a few words and a thread or two and then the occasional degrading remark to keep you in your plays but severe hijackals the worst of the hijackals they threatened violence and they don't always only threaten it you know many times i hear stories of people being choked strangled almost to the point of death being slapped being punched being hurt with objects and they will threaten and they will carry out those threats and the threat is real you know it's very very difficult to imagine a partner who would want to harm let alone kill a partner but it happens you read about it frequently all too frequently so we're hearing that in the news we're reading that online and we think when our partner when your partner perhaps says you know it would be so easy for me to kill you right now take that as a threat go to the police and have that recorded people are not allowed to threaten you in that way that is a form of assault and they cannot threaten you now i understand that some police departments won't take you as seriously as others but go because you want to get it reported so they threaten serious violence they do and they threaten it against you but they may threaten it against your family or your children or they may threaten to destroy something that you love they may destroy property they may do anything that would intimidate you because that's the theme of tonight anything in to intimidate you to do what they want to comply with what they want and they will intimidate you often and frequently so just think for a moment how often does that come up because twice in your life is once too many the first time it happens you should be on high alert to say never again and set that boundary and if it happens again then it is time to leave i know so easy for me to say that remember i have been with a hijackal i was married to one i was raised by them i understand you don't see it it feels okay it feels somehow familiar and normal so i totally get it so there's no shame or blame in this but if somebody is behaving badly towards you repeatedly and often take note of that because that's who they really are and you deserve so much better any person who breathes deserves better than to be intimidated and living in fear and that's you too right so very important so sometimes this intimidation with a severe hijackal you'll even go so far as to have to choose between your own safety and your children's safety if you don't do what i want i'll hurt the children if i don't hurt you i'll hurt the children what do you prefer now that's extreme i understand that but it happens and take threats seriously you know i have had clients who have no longer their life and they did not take the threat seriously they did not get good service from the police if they did go and they did not do well in court and that's all very sad and i talk about that in other episodes but if you're noticing a tendency if you're feeling intimidated often and frequently and repeatedly rather notice that this is not okay you might have gotten used to it sort of but it is not okay and when they threaten to hurt you or they'll hurt the children that's what we call battered mother's dilemma like either i'm going to get hurt and my children are going to get hurt so most mothers will take the beating themselves and that intimidation yeah it may be something they just say and they don't do but it is a very intimidating remark intended to strike fear into your heart and to get you again to comply now what else are they going to do in this intimidation they're going to withhold things from you yeah we all know about the withholding of their attention that ominous silent treatment that they love to put on and many people ask me you know i have a membership site on my on my website so when you go to for relationshiphelp.com you can just click on support circles that's my membership site and we talk in there and people will ask me you know what what should i do when the person is giving me the silent treatment what what do i say what do i do and i say enjoy the silence because the best thing that you can do on your own behalf is to not react to the bad behavior yes of course you have to do something if they are threatening you and you feel very unsafe but if they're just giving you the silent treatment and i know it's not adjust but if that's what they're doing if they're giving you the silent treatment don't react pretend you don't notice they're giving you the silent treatment when you remove your reactivity when you are not able to let them push your buttons it really upsets them yes but eventually they'll go and find somewhere else to exert that control now you may say but i don't want them to go somewhere else well i hope after today and listening to this about intimidation you may change your mind about that because they will withhold your their attention they just won't come home they'll go away for several days i've had clients who they've withheld food you know one of the things that hijackals do is that they like to marginalize and isolate you they like to make it oh sound very romantic let's move way out in the country and let's go out there and start a new life together all very romantic but when a hijackal does that they are calling you from the herd and putting you in a place where you have no allies that is the idea and then they get you out there and then they control you with the surveillance they're blowing up your cell phone then all of a sudden there's something wrong with your car the car disappears and you're at home and you are stuck and they come and go at will and they are intimidating it's sad it's abusive i hope you see these patterns today they may withhold money hijackals like to control the money right they like to control the money because then they have power over you in that regard i've had clients where every month the hijacker gave the mother a little less money and then made her wrong for not being able to manage this is how the intimidate i remember in that particular case that i was thinking of when the wife said to the husband there's not enough money for our children and and you and i to eat he said well you don't manage money very well do you so if you don't have enough money you go and ask your family for money because i gave you money and you just are not a good manager but that's intimidation that's nasty so they may withhold food they may withhold medicine that's a terrible thing but they will do that they may withhold time with the children or they may they may withhold roof over your head i was talking with a client not too long ago and she called me one morning early and she said i've been sleeping in my car i was locked out of the house for the third night in a row and he has the children in the car so they withhold the roof over your head these things happen i know i'm painting a bleak picture tonight but i really want you to get how dire this can become if you don't stop it if you don't see it if you don't recognize it's happening it can become very dire and then the threats become they're going to leave they're going to take the children away from you they're going to withhold themselves from you that old silent treatment or for covert narcissists in particular covert hijackals of any stripe actually they will even threaten that they're going to commit suicide they're going to kill themselves they're going to drive off a bridge if you don't comply intimidation again and then let's look at the surveillance piece of that i mentioned before they'll put a gps tracker on your phone they'll put a gps tracker in your car they will stalk you they will sit outside and wherever you are and wait for you to come out they will blow up your phone where are you when are you coming home why are you where you are are you where you said you did they will follow you everywhere you go that's intimidating absolutely intimidating in the facebook group a person asked me i i sent my boyfriend away last night i told him i never want him to come here again and now he's sitting outside my my gate just sitting there and he's sending me text after text telling me to come out or he's going to sit there all night what do i do so he thought his looming presence sitting out on the road in his car was going to intimidate her to go out and talk to him because he didn't want her to send him away why because that gave her power over him and he wasn't having that he was not having any part of that another thing that they do in this whole threatening thing is they get that that really sneaky gaslighting in there they start defining your reality for you they tell you how things really are that you don't understand but they will tell you what you think they'll tell you what you feel they will tell you what you should think and feel and they'll say silly things like i know you better than you know yourself that's absurd if anybody ever says that to you perk up and notice nobody knows you better than you know yourself except maybe your therapist but nobody does that that is a move to have power over you and that's not good and in that gas lighting which is really crazy making they will sabotage your devices all of a sudden your phone won't work your computer won't unlock things will also happen that kind of fall in the gas lighting you don't know how it happened they swear blind they don't know how it happened and yet it happened and they'll leave anonymous threats on your phone or they'll get someone else to or they'll steal your money and say they didn't do it another famous gaslighting trick and so this is very important to notice and that's why i said that tonight we're going to help you understand the hows and whys of where this intimidation is coming from and what it looks like so that you can have that recognition and know what you need to begin to say no to even if it just starts with a little internal no i see what you're up to and that's a no you may not be ready to do anything about it every situation is different hijackals are different one from the other if you want to talk to me about what's going on with your hijackal you know you can always do that i offer a new client opportunity at be a client dot com your first one hour session is only ninety seven dollars a full session so i can give you some help at be a client.com and so maybe you need that kind of help so that you can talk through what's happening and you can you can get through that part understand that part and slowly begin to regain your center regain your confidence and then start to reclaim your power you know i talk all the time in my courses about reclaim your power rebuild your life and we need to be able to do that we have all new courses just beginning over on for relationshiphelp.com so that's a good place for you to go and look if you're trying to learn something new and this is enticing for you go to for relationshiphelp.com so i said earlier that hijackals intimidate you by exploiting your fears remember i was saying that in those tender moments when you know just all that you've longed for the person is finally fully attentive fully there with you relax and then you think oh this is wonderful this is what i've longed for this is exactly what i thought would happen and in those moments there you've let your guard down and you may begin to disclose things you may even be tempted to tell them you were thinking of leaving them you may tell them things that are really not in your best interest to tell them remember what i said earlier when you tell them that they will turn it into a weapon they will turn your vulnerabilities into a weapon they will turn your your stories of your youth into a weapon they will turn your hopes and dreams into a weapon they will turn your fears into a weapon don't give them the weapon i know you really want to communicate with them and it feels like you're getting somewhere it feels like the relationship is on the right foot it isn't they're digging for dirt they're digging for things to weaponize to use later now i'm talking about things that really do happen maybe for you it only happens occasionally and you're thinking oh that's happened but that's not how it usually is great but if you're beginning to think you know this happens every two months and it's been going on for eight years that's way too much right way way way too much so i want to help you understand the whys and hows and are you asking yourself at this moment how did this happen am i allowing it am i enabling it how do i stop it what should i do first how should i think about it well go to be a client.com we can talk about it but before that go and listen to so many of my podcast episodes you know on for relationshiphelp.com you can click on podcasts and then it's searchable it's searchable by topic on wherever you like to get your podcast but on my website it's searchable so go to for relationshiphelp.com and just click on the podcast tab and you can search there's a little magnifying glass or you can search by topic and learn things also go to my youtube channel which by the way easily enough is called for relationship help there's over 520 videos there for you you can search on those find out the pieces you need and if you want to talk to me of course you know to go be a client you want to find out what happened in my past life in my early life that would allow me to think that in some way i may not like this but it's familiar and so i stay in the dance with a hijackal it's never a good thing to dance with hijackals because they continuously stand on your feet and they often leave you on the dance floor alone so it's not a good idea you want to unpack why am i not expecting better behavior why am i not able to say no why am i not setting boundaries now all of those things are just things that you need to empower in yourself doing those things may or may not and in many cases not have an effect on the hijackal except to make them angry but your personal empowerment is the first steps nothing need come out of your mouth in the direction of the hijackal for you to be building up your own clarity your own power and as i said to reclaim your power and rebuild your life and that's what i help people do so you're asking good questions if you're asking this is happening and why why is it okay it's not okay on any level with me how do i change it very good questions you may be a really good person but you had poor role models that could be something or you're not used to or good at setting boundaries or your self-confidence has become so low now that you don't say buddha a goose as we used to say in canada which is where i'm from and so these are important things so starting to regain your personal power is absolutely key and i'd like to help you with that i hope that this episode today has helped you understand see clearly the little pieces the little places that intimidation gets put in and creates coercive control that making you do things even if you don't really want to in your heart of hearts but somehow it still happens i'm dr roberta schaeler i'm so glad that you're here and you know that i want you to take very good care of yourself because you're precious and you matter we'll talk soon so hi everybody glad to see that you're here and i am seeing lots of things here in the chat so let's have a look hi cal oh i'm so glad that you i helped you and you and elm morris says love your videos i'm glad that you've been over there and seen them and sue said your work is very helpful this is all very nice um i wish i could speak at high schools um i used to be a school principal when i was raising my children alone after the hijackal three children i worked full time and got my phd in psychology so i i did end up being a school administrator in order to provide for my children and have my private practice on this side so i have spoken at a lot of schools and kids need to hear this i absolutely agree with you so ella morris said i was 17 when i met my much older husband i stayed for 22 years yes well when they get you young you don't know what your rights are and your expectations so you go from one set of parent to another especially when you marry an older person so it wouldn't be surprising that you would keep hoping that that could work out better if you were better right and then you get into that ever trying to please cycle and you know hijackals are people who will never be pleased because as soon as you do what they ask they say it's not good enough so question what do you do in the police can't believe you oh that is such an important question and i'm sorry we even have to ask it it should be so automatic but i hear so frequently from people in the membership site and in facebook asking i went to the police and they don't believe me i've had people say the police came to our house and in in the cases i'm thinking about it was the man who was the hijackal and the woman was writing and she said the police came and he lied to them and lied to them and lied to them and pretty soon they're out there being buddy buddy and saying oh well you know how women are and they're having that conversation so wrong on so many levels and we're doing our best to shore that up but it is difficult to get the police to believe you especially in small towns where people know each other and sometimes in large towns where they're so very very busy so it's always important to document everything that happened so that when something happens that you need to call the police you also say and all these other things happened and make sure you get a police report and if they don't believe you then it's probably time to get an attorney and start looking at leaving this situation so that that can be formalized because if the police aren't believing then you need to do something that allows you to get out of that situation oh thank you you're amazing god bless you i accept that bless you too another question i'm being abused and victimized by the police and not offered services by the police during covet i'm being legally locked also during covid yes this is very very difficult and very very serious um have you been to any women's shelters have you been somewhere where people will believe you where they have the experience to believe you where they are used to hearing certain sentences and things that let them know that that's absolutely real and true because you need some people on your side do you have a therapist you know many times i am i am having to go to court and speak on behalf of my clients because or at least write an a letter to the court to speak on behalf of my clients um so that that some other professional can confirm their stories and affirm what is happening now yes does it ever happen that say well how do you know how do you know that's the truth maybe that person all made it up sure that happens but that's only in rare dysfunctional places and if you get into a rare dysfunctional place it's awful but being locked out during covid that is just wrong on every level and are you married silver storm that that's an important piece of the puzzle let me just see this um yes you're saying you're being abused and victimized by the police and not offered services um are you are you going to them because of your marriage are you going them to them because you have a living situation you know what are the facts there i was falsely arrested at home oh by my borderline partner you were arrested at home is he a policeman that's sad the police refused to look into it and are trying to cover it up we need to talk who do i call when the police is helping my abuser oh it's such a terrible and important question well that's when you use the women's shelters that's when you go to the domestic violence um arm that's when you go to family court that's when you get an attorney that's when you find people who will back up your statements that's when you take all your documentation from all the time that you've been together and demonstrate how many times sad things have happened so those are the people that you need to go to and i i really do think we should talk so remember that that that's available to you be a client.com then this person writes the narcissistic family shames the target for choosing an abusive partner when they prime you to do just that oh that's so sad so yes that is so sad that's exactly what happens you know what she's written is you come from a narcissistic family and then you get into a narcissistic relationship with a hijackal and then when you say this is really really difficult your narcissistic family said well you were foolish enough to choose him it you can't win with narcissistic hijackals you just can't because everything is your fault all the time hijackals never take responsibility or are accountable for anything so you're caught between a rock and a hard place in the narcissistic hijackal world there you've got hijackal parents who are saying everything's your fault and a hijackal partner is saying everything your fault and none of it was your fault but the hijackal parents created this familiarity that caused you to move into a hijacker relationship such a horrible cycle i'm so sorry that happened to you when you haven't been able to leave yet how do you stay grounded when they hoover you things seem almost normal but not quite of course yeah so let me explain hoovering for anybody who's not exactly sure what that is that's when you've said i don't want anything to do with you anymore go away i don't love you leave me alone and instead of getting rageful they decide that they're going to come back and love bomb you and try to suck you back in like a vacuum cleaner so that's where the term hoovering comes from so you know it's only for a hot minute because they don't like being rejected and it won't last very long but enjoy it while it lasts as long as you know what's going on if you're not ready to leave yet so you asked how to stay grounded when that's happening well first of all use your breath for everybody dealing with a high jackal use your breath it's free it's available so when things seem to be getting tense use your breath breathe in deeply through your nose hold your breath exhale through your mouth completely and you can count in it if you want so you inhale through your nose really deeply maybe for a count of four you hold on to your breath for a count of four then you exhale fully through your mouth for a count of four then you make it longer so we want to get to the ratio four inhale seven hold exhale for eight we want to be able to do that that'll help you sleep that'll help you calm yourself when you're anxious 478 breathing we call it i used to be a yoga teacher and i had a holistic health and yoga retreat center using the breath is really important to calm your nervous system when you get tense the blood comes down from your brain and from your arms and legs that's why your hands and feet get cold when you get tense or angry or in arousal and that means that you're not thinking as clearly because the blood has come down to keep your heart and lungs active so when you use that breath it sends the relaxation back up the blood goes back and you can think better so staying grounded use your breath use your breath then remind yourself i am going to be teflon this is that hijackal problem this is the hijackal saying things this is the hijackal behaving in intimidating ways i'm going to be aware of it but as it goes by i'm going to let it slide down because it's not mine it's that person's now i understand you have to take it seriously and you have to be listening you have to be aware of the threats and the intimidation but know that it's not you that caused it even though you're being blamed for it now when they're trying to hoover you back you have the opposite situation you have to keep reminding yourself this is an act this is an act they're doing the act is intended for them to get what they want they want me back where they can control me no i am not going there so you just have an internal conversation with yourself they're doing what they're doing they're trying to be nice they're trying to bring you flowers or give you gifts or take you somewhere lovely for the weekend or tell you all the words of appreciation you've longed to hear and you just have to keep reminding yourself no this is a tactic this is a tactic it will not last and if i just stay calm and disconnected they will maybe get angry but they may also stop and go away and go and find somebody who will give them the supply that they're angry at you for not giving them so i hope that that helps you because you do want to stay calm sherry it's important to stay calm okay cindy says my ex would threaten that if i did not give enough sex he would seek it otherwise okay good he did it anyway but it still bothers me to my core this is so sadly common so sadly common so many hijackals demand sex so many hijackals will rape you what amounts to rape because they feel that they can demand sex at any time that's one of the ways that they they deprive you of sleep is that they they want you at their beck and call all the time and so you would threaten if he didn't give you and it give him enough sex well you have a right to say no you know i talk about this my clients all the time just because somebody wants to have sex does not make it your need to give it to them sex you know for some people yes they do it for the physical release but in a relationship sex is a place to say i feel safe i feel connected i feel i can trust you with my body and if that's not the case then you're not going to want to engage so if somebody says if you don't give it to me i'll go elsewhere then you already know the relationship is in trouble because there is no respect you know when i wrote the book kaizen for couples this book here um i talk about the five relational gifts honesty safety trust respect and reliability if those gifts are not being given in the relationship by both partners you've got a big problem so if somebody is not giving you honesty safety trust respect and reliability then you either need to get help or you need to recognize that that person may not have that gift to give you and maybe if they do have it they would be unwilling to give it to you and the relationship becomes inequitable and it's a good relationship to leave so jj says i beg the garden universe open its eyes and not let a child be in violence for too long i'm into that the police never help me only help or do whatever the abuser likes what's the job of the police yes it's a very big question if they're not serving and protecting each citizen what is their job you know the oath that they take is to serve and protect that means every person not just the ones they feel like it and sometimes you have to go to the police station and say what happened to you and say i would like another officer to speak to or i would like to make a report and and you do walk a fine line i understand that the smaller the city you live in or the smaller fewer the police there are the more difficult it becomes because if you go too often they think that you know you do have a problem but you have to find a way you have to find a way to be heard and that's where the domestic violence teams can come in that's where you can go to the family court and say you know i need to be heard you can get an attorney to help you be heard to bring charges against your partner to do things like that and i know it is very very difficult jj and i don't know why they don't do their jobs but most of them do and and it's sad you know i'm from canada i know people in small you know i have clients all over the world because i work by video and i have clients in small communities where every all the police know everybody and they drink together and they do everything together and they really don't take domestic violence as seriously as they need to and i understand it is a problem and i'm sorry you're experiencing that sue said my nervous system wow full-on depersonalization derealization it's been challenging but i found myself for the first time yay leave these people i promise they'll never change it's true i mean if you're with somebody who maybe has a hijackal attack once a year when they're really stressed or really unhappy or ill or something okay maybe you'll make exceptions for that but if that's who the person is and they're behaving that way frequently then you really have to see that and you have to you don't have to make them wrong because it never helps to poke a hijackal how many times have i said that on the podcast or on youtube it never helps to poke a hijackal but internally you have to make plans you have to make plans to support yourself and to take the best steps that are supportive to you to demonstrate that you care about you because honestly they don't they have uses for you but they don't have love to give you they have love bombing to give you they know how to do it but they just don't have the empathy for it and so they have to come first so if you have a problem then that must be your problem because they couldn't possibly have a problem or take on your problem and it's such a sad thing so i'm so glad that you were with me tonight you know that there's a 20-second delay i say this every week there's a 20-second delay between when you put a comment or a question in the box and when i see it so if there's anything remaining that you want to ask i'll wait another 20 seconds and see if anything pops up i'm here for you most monday nights at seven o'clock with a different uh conversation make sure that you subscribe to my youtube channel so you'll get a notification when i'm going live go to my youtube page um there are two that i broadcast from one is facebook.com relationshiphelpdoctor facebook.comrelationshiphelpdoctor and the other page is hijackal hack so you go to facebook.com hijackals and there there you'll see also on hijackalhacks um you'll see all the graphics that i make and you're quite welcome to share those in groups that you belong to if you see something that that you find helpful you can just save them to your own computer ipad or phone and then share them in groups so that other people can learn a little more this says rumination is still annoying i'm not sure what you mean by that sue do you mean that that thinking it over and over and over and running through it is annoying i'm sure that's probably what you mean yeah it takes a long time to cleanse your mind from the ain't it awful and he or she done me wrong i mean it does take time and there's grief and there's loss and there's anger and there's all kinds of things that go on but focus on moving forward focus on the direction you're going what you're going to ward not what you're moving away from that's always good advice at any time but particularly with hijackals you know just as soon as you start to ruminate on what happened start thinking what am i moving toward let me fill my mind with that long time ago 18 years ago or so i wrote a book called what you pay attention to expands is still available on amazon and so that's a good thing to remember what you pay attention to expand so the more that you think about how awful it was or how annoying it was or how it shouldn't have happened and all the pieces of it it just gets bigger and bigger and bigger so find something else to magnify always remember that what you pay attention to expands think about yourself think about your values think about your goals think about what you're walking toward what you want to bring into your life just turn that thought off don't deny it it's real it needs to be thought about and sometimes but when it starts to get really old then turn turn your mind to what it is you're creating and what you want for your life i'm so glad that you spent this time with me and as i said subscribe on youtube or subscribe to my newsletter on my website for relationship help i've subscribed to the podcast as well wherever you get the podcast now wherever you like to get your podcasts and we'll talk again soon and in the meantime take very good care of yourself

Channel: Dr. Rhoberta Shaler - Help for Toxic Relationships

Views: 14,218

Keywords: coercive control, coercive control domestic violence, domestic abuse, domestic violence, controlling behaviour traits, controlling behaviour red flags, controlling behaviour in relationships, coercive control narcissism, abusive relationships, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic abuse recovery, narcissistic abuse syndrome, hijackals, dr rhoberta shaler, my partner itimidates me, why does my partner try to control me, toxic relationships, emotional abuse

Id: O3Of_ZqhJOw

Length: 52min 18sec (3138 seconds)

Published: Tue Nov 17 2020