Mel B on Realising She Was in a Coercive Abusive Relationship | Loose Women

you open this book by saying this book is for all women who have ever been controlled put down cheated on abused shamed lied to used treated like the eternal underdog and had their spirit and self-esteem completely snatched away it's about taking back your power rediscovering yourself putting joy happiness and peace back into your life and it's about the hardest journey a woman will ever make in her life learning to love herself do you love yourself now I am and it's an everyday healing process that I'm going through but yeah I fundamentally do really love myself and I like myself most importantly now but to go so public why did you want to do that what do you hope that you will get out of this and people reading the book will get out of this well I think for me I kind of had no choice because there was so many salacious headlines about me out there you know for two years I've kept a very silent and I just think if I can help one person that's in a similar situation to what I've been in then job well done and I'm also doing this book for my kids because I want my kids to know that being in an in an abusive relationship is not okay and there are warning signs and there are help lines and refugees that you can actually get out and find help and educate yourself that you know what that wasn't my fault you've got to recognize haven't you that you really are an abusive relationship and not everybody who does because it can be very subtle to start with oh is various when you never happen overnight yeah when you met Stephin I mean it was a whirlwind romance I thought he was a respectable honest loving giving caring person and you have to understand you know these men and it happens to happens either way around - they find you you don't find them they hunt you down and they seek you out and they find you at your most vulnerable point emotionally and physically that's exactly did he's and may he find you I mean I think so yeah definitely I wasn't looking for a relationship I was heartbroken from ending my relationship with Eddie Murphy and I was pregnant with his baby you know my angel was a couple of months old I mean sweet pain did he sweep here and kind of go take care of you because often being very charming very charming and you know these kind of relationships start off with somebody presenting themselves with everything and more that you think that you need yeah and you know it ends up being completely different I think a lot of people watching this and looking at the spy skills you know you are scary spice nobody mucks about was very spice and yet when I read that book I can see the slow process and as you say you just had a baby by the man that you described was the love of your life Eddie Murphy you were no longer with him and suddenly this guy walked in who showed interest in you it was almost like okay I am worthy of loving wasn't it yeah I mean looking back there were so many warning signs and red flags but when you're in that kind of relationship which is very abusive on many different levels you know you end up taking the blame and thinking that will it's your fault and I have to make this marriage work because you did say in the book that you almost as soon as you married him you had this wedding in Las Vegas almost as soon as you married to him you had your doubts but then you youthful felt you had to kind of put on a show because they've got have done it now yeah and almost on my wedding night things just moment almost things started to happen which were very abusive but at that point I didn't understand what that was and I didn't understand how wrong it was and also I took the blame on myself and I wasn't about to talk about it with anybody because it's so embarrassing and it's so shameful so you end up just being in a hamster wheel of trying to make sure everything's okay but also trying to hide your personal life with your husband and you're in a constant and as you say you became a good liar very good lay yeah because I didn't want anybody to know that what I was going through and that was just too embarrassing it means yourself more than anything aren't you caught all the way through that because I've been in a similar relationship nowhere near as bad as yours I don't think but it is it's something that you allow to happen you actually you let it happen and then you feel you feel embarrassed and you feel ashamed and then it just carries on and it's not until this is why people say was why didn't you get out of it you can't do it until you admit to yourself yeah that's what my situation I was also been somewhat blackmailed also so whenever I would go and leave there was the whole thing of well I'm gonna send these videos or I'm gonna tell the press exactly what you're like so I had that hanging over my head and I did want to share my family and it would to have another failed marriage so I stayed in it for way longer than I should we're talking about coercive abuse here it's now become a proper criminal act so it's like med the mental abuse yeah but just describe to us then what day-to-day life with Stefan was like the thing that struck me was the the curtains that you talked about always living in in darkness yeah it's kind of still strange to still talk to talk about but I think it's really important for me that I do talk about it because it is you have to be made aware and my life I lived in complete panic and fear whenever I was at home with him and then when I was at work it was fine because I was away from him and the house that I lived in my bedroom was on the top floor and the kid's room was a few levels down so I thought all the abuse and stuff as long as it's happening in the bedroom it's fine the kids weren't here but the kids obviously did feel the tension and my Nathan now 19 year old who was actually raw a chapter in my book and she was very adamant to share her story she felt it and she saw things and things that child should never really see so I've addressed all this stuff in my book and it is brutally honest and I do take on you know the the drugs and the sex and I explained it because that was my only way of coping for me the interesting stuff was like the tiny little details like tell us about the table oh and what my kids can weren't allowed to eat at the table so I why not though because it was seen as what is it's all about control he would set rules that I would have to abide by and some rules were worth fighting about all I would like to say talk input some of them were worth fighting for and some of them were because the ramifications of that especially me because I'm working and I'm doing live TV some fights were just not worth the fight because I'm thinking in my brain while I have live TV tomorrow I don't want to be going on at me to cover up another bruise and make up another lie so it was you were living it within his rule or in terms of how he wanted so the curtains were often closed skids weren't allowed to eat the kids weren't allowed to eat at the table I bought them a table and I made sure that little table yeah a mic here that they were allowed to eat presentable I only hid from him yeah and yeah of course I heard that yeah there's lots of things that had but that was one of the really sad things about that kind of behavior that I had gotten myself into that he then subjected on to me and it's I just wish that there would have been a book out like this for somebody like me then so I would have read it and gone okay so that is cohesive behavior that's wrong and that he shouldn't be saying that and I shouldn't be made to feel like this let me get out let me find a helpline or a refuge that's what I'm really happy that I've teamed up with women's aid to do I don't you know we've been on the Shelf see and talked about how close you and the other Spice Girls are did you ever did they did they have an inkling did they ever ask you a question did you ever feel you were this close to confiding in them no cuz I wasn't ready to admit what was actually going on to myself let alone to anybody else and then what do I say I think to myself well who's gonna believe me so you just carry on another day another week another moment another year I think as well when as soon as you say it to somebody you have to then always be seem to be doing this not going to deal with it yeah well you've got to get out fat man what are you doing and in fairness you'd leave a few times but then I went back when I did leave I didn't have the guts or the know-how to talk about it and tell some money or and they were sort of part of the isolation as well weren't they because I believe they did try to get in touch with you a few times when a few things made the headlines yeah but by then you were so isolated you just ignored them yeah well that's one thing that an abuser does is they cut you off from your family your friends so you really don't have anywhere to turn to and then you're limited you're not allowed to see them as being driving a car door of control over your finances which doesn't happen just in one big swoop just happens bit have been my bit so I'd be working and there'd be an accountant meeting it like old yacht you're at work I'll go and take that meet him for you so you think always been really nice when really he's stashing your money somewhere else and taking all your money out of your back you

Channel: Loose Women

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Keywords: loose women, interview, Chat Shows - Topic, Chat Show - Topic, Talk Show - Topic, Talk Shows - Topic, mel b, stephen belafonte, spice girls, mel b marriage, mel b autobiography, brutally honest, mel b eddie murphy, stephen belafonte mel b, coercive control, coercive control domestic violence, coercive control abuse, ruth langsford, carol mcgiffin, jane moore

Id: Z8kX4gqPEN8

Length: 9min 18sec (558 seconds)

Published: Mon Nov 26 2018