Vampire's Kiss Review

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ah hello everyone webinar i'm digger shopping university and welcome to the grand finale of which based on the fact that i'm recording this on the second or last day of summer in crisis situation after crisis situation have been popping up as a good chance that it's going to be autumn by the time this goes up but i can't just skip over this movie vampire's kiss an infamous little flick starring you guessed it nicholas cage in one of his earliest roles back in 1988 however if you think that means it's some forgotten relic think again as a good rule of thumb if you've seen some random meme with nicholas cage floating about the internet chances are it's from this movie though the memes really don't do a good job of explaining what the plot of the movie is nick stars as peter lowe a new york businessman with the average life of a reasonably well-off young man in new york he goes out drinking goes over his woes with his psychiatrist harasses the ever loving [ __ ] out of his favorite punching bag back at the office and oh yeah he winds him in a situation where he gets bitten by a vampire and he slowly becomes one over the course of the running time as his sanity wanes or his sanity waning is what's actually going on in the whole becoming a vampire thing is just tied into that so uh anyway let's take a look at vampire's kiss and see for ourselves after the opening credits remind us all yep that's new york all right we jump right into introducing peter lowe chatting it up with a psychiatrist dr glazer played by elizabeth ashley oh well time's up so let's get ahead of that night where we see peter and jackie played by cassie lemons you know bernadette from candyman after a wonderful night of heavy drinking they returned to peter's apartment to get down and dirty but then a shitty bat puppet flies in through the window reminding us all that no not all practical effects from the 80s are really that good thus they must flee and finish their bonerific adventures elsewhere this tale then moves on to his day at work where we introduce another character in plot point alvarez played by maria conchita alonso you know leona from predator 2 and amber from the running man seems an old customer finally made a foreign sale and wants to frame his old contract from 1963 but oh darn it pier can't find it but i am asking you to go through the entire desk beagle file because that is a very fat file and nothing is in order and it will take hours but it will be there you always hear about old plots for horror movies just don't work anymore with modern cell phones but you never think about just how agonizing office work used to be before the introduction of network computers so that's her task for the rest of time but spying a couple on the street menacingly we skip the rest of the work day to see peter return home and find the bat has left and we're back at the psychiatrist's office time is just about up but there's something he'd like to get off his chest and suddenly this bat comes swooping down out of nowhere a bat holy [ __ ] and i suddenly realized right then and there i was put on this earth to fight crime i mean i'm fighting this bad off all alone and i'll be damned if i didn't get really turned on oh i have questions never mind that little detail time's up gotta go he's got alva to demean and a nightlife to live [Music] peter is nothing if not an absolutely abort [ __ ] so of course he's looking for a one-night stand introducing us to rachel played by jennifer bales he takes her home and [Music] it turns out she's a freaking vampire don't you just hate that like camp throats and the brides of frankenstein i can handle but vampires are just slightly less annoying than the vegans this doesn't kill him though as a matter of fact as he is drained he seems to be in a sort of ecstasy however the next morning he cuts himself shaving which can be pretty horrific depending on how long it's been since he changed that blade and his mental faculties are clearly a bit broken as he offers coffee to an empty bed but later that day he's still cognizant enough to visit the art gallery with jackie well do you like it gotta take a piss i'll just do it right there label it the latest damien hurst piece you'll get millions but he just walks out leaving her high and dry on the plus side at least she knows how to tell someone that she's leaving don't you ever call me again you [ __ ] [ __ ] you you see that's how you do it clear intent straight and to the point not oh i'll just sneak out the back and hope that nobody gets too angry at me no [ __ ] you get [ __ ] you'd think maybe this would be something to talk to a shrink about but peter's more dismissive than usual dr glazer is still interested in getting at the bottom of that lustful bat battle he was telling her about last week but he barely acknowledges it even happened dismissing his own feelings outright i'd had a little to drink i was a little drunk plus i was horny peter that's great and all but let's be real here that's the baseline for you that's all she's getting from him today unlike poor alva who hasn't located the file yet and thus he wants her to feel absolutely miserable about it demanding that she stay in his office as he calls their client having to profusely apologize about her complete and utter lack of professionalism at such a dire time as this there is absolutely no rush on that i know it's an old contract it's gonna take some digging and i'm sure you and your girls got better things to do huh so that's why you didn't put it on a speaker it seems i didn't have to do a song and dance after all alba as you could hear i couldn't get a word in edgewise because it's so much more difficult to psychologically torment someone keeping them in a perpetual state of fear and dread if they realize that reality doesn't exactly line up with what they're hearing from the officials the tale peter spins that their client is fuming mad and will cancel their business agreements unless she finds the damn contract and soon am i getting through to you alva right i understand completely i just really need to find a new job so while he orders her to work harder than she has ever worked before he takes the rest of the day off so we can see him going even more mad yelling at random people in the diner before gripping his wounded neck caught in the throes of madness he also stops at a pay phone to call jackie up he might be crazy but it's not stupid and knows he's screwed up big time there she's apprehensive but begrudgingly agrees to give him one more chance saying they'll meet up at nine o'clock that night but something is keeping peter from leaving it's time for their date but he is wondering how did she get in here and he is realizing that he let her in it's not that odd anything can be hiding just out of frame yo so he never does go on that date instead staying home to get sucked off oh well that means jackie has double broken up with him meaning his options for a win to make miserable are narrowing there you are but hey what's the point of even having a position of authority if you're not going to abuse it chasing alpha down like a madman he follows her into the ladies room cornering her i mean there are witnesses but they just leave fortunately hearing she has a gun he almost comes to his senses but after such a disgusting act terrorizing a young woman in the office how will his bosses react nothing like a little office they just yuck it up oh one of the guys is losing his marbles and making like absolute hell for a young woman now that's entertainment confirming once again that high school never ends peter returns home to find that yep jackie broke up with him for the second time this week and that's just too much he erects the place smashing mirrors and glass and destroying everything no surprises here they had to get this in one take well best thing he can do at this point is to go to the psychiatrist though it seems peter has a very different opinion as to exactly what is going wrong within his life alva being so damn incompetent has to not be able to find that file dr glazer says that simple task might be made more difficult if it was misfiled but peter shoots her down filing is simple it's all done alphabetically a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o b q r s t u v w x great now i'm just imagining an alternate universe where nicholas cage stars in kindergarten cop establishing that peter has never misfiled a single document in his entire life he demands to know who did but of course the doctor has no way of knowing that kind of stuff so he laughs at her credentials before we move back on to work it's five o'clock so alva is heading home but peter isn't going to allow that she must work overtime her and only her i couldn't think of a more horrible job if i wanted to and you have to do it you have to or i'll fire you do you understand it really makes you wonder why after being forced to work remotely now that offices are opening back up office workers are not really in that big of a rush to go right back into office culture so ssdd now that there's nothing going on peter's affliction is running into his psyche much as his mistress is draining his very life force this is driving him to behave less human as time goes on and we see a little homage to renfield in a scene that cage thought up for this flick allegedly doing three times just to get it right hi i'm nicholas cage and this is jackass but what's this alva has called him sick to work today only one thing to do then dig through the rolodex for her address and show up at her window this is just about as creepy as it gets but don't worry he's very soft-spoken here saying that he was wrong to demand so much of her the contract doesn't even matter that much anyway they can call it truesin she can come back to work but of course once they're in the car he reveals that the contract not mattering much doesn't mean it doesn't matter at all and she will find it even if it kills her that goddamn contract is somewhere to goddamn [ __ ] files you know the best part is though the contract really doesn't [ __ ] matter at all not just because the guy who wants it said don't rush it's no big deal but also it doesn't change anything in the dynamics between alvin and peter he's just a crazy [ __ ] that's all he's ever been that's all he's ever gonna be so hey gotta stop and have a chat with my brother for a second emilio played by robert lujan seamless alva doesn't feel safe and yeah she does have a gun but she doesn't carry any rounds for it and needs some now he scared him off with blanks that's all he has here alva is blanks you know okay then give me the [ __ ] blanks that's pretty much all they're supposed to have on set on any movie so she gets her blanks and gets back in the car and back to her hellish job under her crazy boss and yeah that's not an exaggeration as peter now believes he can't even see himself in the mirror anymore where [Applause] but if you expect anyone to be put off by that odd behavior you got to remember this is in new york utterly distraught at his transformation into a creature of the night he locks himself away but what's this alva has found the contract just one problem it's just too late over why is it too late oh it's got nothing to do with the client there wasn't even anything remotely close to a deadline for this it's just at this point of the movie peter has become a danger to himself and others so she must run peter feverishly chases her down downstairs down corridors and finally cornered she pulls her gun but he wants her to shoot him i swear to god i'm real alpha do it or i'll fire you do you understand unemployment can you live with that kill my boss do i dare live out the american dream don't break me well that came out of nowhere raping i will well this piece of [ __ ] just goes right for it because that's a comfortable topic for a horror comedy shoot not the floor alba me actually some employees never seem to be able to follow even the simplest instructions she ends up unloading five blanks into the floor further infuriating peter who then um that happens as serious of a topic as it is for some reason it's presented very clean and just gotten over with real quick so much so that i wasn't even sure it even happened you might be asking hey doctor how the hell could you be confused as to whether or not that happened well for one thing uh both parties had their pants firmly on for the whole 14 seconds of it on the plus side that means it's over and done with quickly and we see from peter's perspective alva has transformed into rachel but more importantly there's still that gun maybe he can put it to good use [Music] okay first of all that is now seven shots out of this revolver the second uh even blanks would kill the [ __ ] out of you if you stick the barrel in your mouth and pull the trigger all those gasses exploding would be enough to push a bullet going into your brains you die my guess is they used caps for this scene but this must mean that peter's fears have been realized if he can't kill himself with a gun it must be because he has turned into a vampire i'm a vampire and just like real life nobody gives a [ __ ] thus he wrecks his place even more turning his apartment into his vampiric lair his couch now flipped up for a poor man's coffin bed he complains to rachel about being hungry and she just tells him he knows what to do but that's gonna be tough what with his relatively blunt canine so heading to the local costume shop for some proper vampire fangs he finds a nice set but it's a bit out of his range i got some chippy plastic ones they're only 350. cheapy hey jeez the real higher the prices in new york now equipped with his vampire starter gear he calls up his psychiatrist because hey maybe he could come down a bit earlier for his next appointment not feeling quite all there at the moment but first dinner okay now i'm just wondering what kind of gastrointestinal problems this man is getting and why they haven't killed him yet but that night is the night that he is going to finally become the vampire he knows he can beating his way into the front of the line of the club he slinks into the extremely crowded dance floor and somehow finds an incredibly convenient woman all alone and what i can only guess is the unpopular corner of the establishment she thinks his little vampire act is silly up until he pins her down biting into her neck and violently drinking her blood until she is dead [Music] i was about to say those party favors aren't that damn dangerous drinking all that blood makes him feel a bit off and who would happen to show up but rachel to chastise him for his foolishness he says he's a super cool kick-ass vampire just like her but she is done with him you are with me well it doesn't look like it does it donald no so that means this whole relationship with rachel was all in his head or maybe not as there are still some things that are a little iffy distraught here costs rachel and her boyfriend but she barely even knows him and he screams that she's a vampire only get him dragged out of the club and oddly cool glances from rachel and donald well we got like 15 minutes of movie left so i gotta wrap this [ __ ] up so alva tells her brother about the horrible things that peter did to her while peter is off losing his mind even more asking random passerby to help kill his vampire ass but oh yeah that's right he was supposed to see his therapist this morning see i forgot where did we leave uh well peter you wanted very much to make an earlier appointment so what's up what's up how much time you got peter goes about his final psychiatric physic completely psychologically imagining a hypothetical conversation where he stands stoically stake in hand talking about how he's got himself all figured out he doesn't need therapy he needs love but hey wouldn't you know it imaginary dr glacier agrees with peter wholeheartedly and it just so happens she knows the perfect woman for peter the very one who is coming in for the following appointment and yes they like the same things they hate the same things and they truly hit it off in record time incredible well while back in reality peter is considerably less suave not to say he's exactly who he'd want to bring home to the family even in his delusional fantasies i did rape someone a couple nights ago and yes i am judging imaginary dr glazer for not taking the opportunity to immediately call the imaginary police well the fact is i did murder someone last night i turned into a vampire it's a long story goodness now watch it's only going to be a deal breaker when he brings up his yu-gi-oh collection dr glazer says it's cool people die all the time everything's fine just go off and be lovey-dovey with your new lovey-dove but on his way home emilio and alva spot him sure god damn i want to say and i guess if his last imaginary relationship failed things weren't gonna be looking too great on the rebound so he's good and depressed by the time emilio finds him and he begs to have this stake driven through his heart and he does the end oh i was uh abrupt yes man lost his mind and died well um that was vampire's kiss can see why it has a cult following and why it also on the same hand is considered kind of me it's got a unique charm to it i'll give it that vampire's kiss is an absolute showcase for nicholas cage's over-the-top sanity not included style and itself actually an interesting look at a man's gradual loss of sanity his journey from being an [ __ ] to a delusional despot completely out of his mind in a way that leaves just enough openness to ask the question did he imagine it all or was at least some of it real and he clearly imagined quite a lot of it but there's enough wiggle room that i figure the film theorists do a three-part episode on this movie alone but the plot really isn't the point of the movie anyway it's more the experience in that regard vampire's kiss is certainly memorable with quotable lines memorable shots and a pace that works well in the movie for how it makes you feel not so much what it all means like peter alva and the contract that really had nothing to do with his psychosis vampirism any overreaching deal of any import but it was the very framework to show the breakdown of peter's humanity and in that regard the subplot made a huge impact on how the film as a whole feels at the end of the day vampire's kiss is a cult movie no not like mandy the metaphorical kind it's not your standard hollywood tale of a hero's journey or happy endings or really much of a satisfying ending at all come to think of it but it is a journey and the audience is coming along for the ride you're not going to walk away from this thinking about a million twists or wondering what it all means for very long but it will be a movie you remember and maybe even want to experience again when it strikes your fantasy coming in at three frugal fantasy fangs out of five i mean it ain't a masterpiece but i wouldn't go so far as to say it's bad it's just weird as hell thank you all for watching i have an echo shadow and remember before you go off thinking that a relationship with a vampire would be oh so sexy is just keep in mind they are technically corpses okay [Music] do [Music] [Music] i was in mortal kombat with a [ __ ] bat give me a break
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Channel: Decker Shado
Views: 41,565
Rating: undefined out of 5
Keywords: Decker Shado, vampire's kiss, nicolas cage, movie review, review, review (media genre), horror movie, horror comedy, nicolas cage memes, vampire
Id: b0dcb0B1o7Q
Channel Id: undefined
Length: 23min 23sec (1403 seconds)
Published: Wed Sep 22 2021
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