Understanding Loneliness After Divorce

I bet that you can recall a moment during your divorce or after your divorce where you felt especially alone I certainly remember mine it was about eight months after my ex left and I was meeting him in court and at one point the judge asked me to move out to the hallway so that she could talk with my ex and his attorney about the future of the house so I left the courtroom and sat on a cold hard bench out in the hallway a sterile nondescript hallway and inside that courtroom was the man that used to be the most important person to me that had become a stranger and in that hallway I was invisible other attorneys and clients were just walking by never even glanced at me nor should they get inside that courtroom my life my future was being decided and I was sitting alone invisible that's loneliness we often think that loneliness has to do with being alone being physically alone sometimes it does but there's a lot more to it so thing that we often hear that loneliness is a modern epidemic and that's the case even though in so many ways were more connected than we've ever been and that's because loneliness isn't so much a lack of connection loneliness is a lack of meaningful connection and that loneliness can happen even when you're not alone in fact I bet for some of you you may have felt lonely or in your marriage when you had somebody else there than you do now I mean there's nothing isolating then sitting right next to somebody and yet feeling like you're unnoticed unwanted invisible that's what loneliness is and oh do we feel it after divorce in spades so part of loneliness after divorce comes because you've lost your person I know this was somebody that you've shared perhaps years of your life with and they were somebody that you probably showed more of yourself to then you did to most somebody that that used to see you and at least somebody that you felt knew you and now they're gone and that's a huge void it's something enormous that's missing from your life so of course you feel that loss you feel that void you feel lonely but there's so much more to it than that isn't there that shared history those memories that maybe used to bring you comfort well they've been poisoned too haven't they and that's one of the cruel effects of divorce is you know also often memories good memories are what bring us comfort when we're feeling lonely we can say hey even though I'm alone right now I'm isolated right now you can recall that those times when you felt connected when you felt like you were being seen I was divorced those memories are now toxic at least at first you can't trust them and they they simply just bring up the loss all over again and then for those of you that have children especially if you have shared physical custody Oh does that bring up the loneliness I bet when those days or hours that you're used to spending with your kids all of a sudden they're gone like they've just been stelae and and now your left you know you're you're feeling lost in that moment who are you you know normally so much of your identity is caught up in being a parent and then when all of a sudden you're not that anymore in that moment well then what then how do you matter then you know we even experience loneliness after divorce with our homes you know home is often that sanctuary it's where you can escape it's where the world no longer matters and you feel kind of that that big hug of the walls the divorce steals that from us too you know it if you're in the marital home well it's hard isn't it it's it's familiar yet it's alien it's haunted you know it's haunted with those memories that it taunts you you know with what could have been what maybe should have been but isn't and so you you feel like you'd no longer quite belong there it's almost like you're entering a museum not really a home definitely not a sanctuary and then if you're in a new space well it it hills sterile doesn't it it's not yours it's like you're in a hotel room you know you're just one more face visiting passing through it's not yours and then often people in an attempt to not feel lonely after divorce they they turn to dating perhaps quite soon and it makes sense doesn't it I mean you're feeling like you don't matter you're feeling on the scene and so you want to put people into your life and you want to feel noticed and appreciated and yeah dating goes those things and it also fills your calendar and fills your hours so that you don't sit and wallow in your loneliness but it often has another effect as well sometimes we feel more alone again loneliness is less about being physically alone and more about feeling emotionally isolated and unseen like you don't matter and when you're dating you know these people to you at the beginning they're strangers and so they don't know you so they really can't see you and so you feel misunderstood you feel like they're there making assumptions about you because they are because they're having to fill in pieces because you're a stranger to them as well now in upcoming videos I'm going to share a lot more information with you about loneliness after divorce and what you can do but I'm going to go ahead and give you a few tips today on what you can do so one of the first things you can do is plan ahead for those loneliness so one of the first things you can do is plan ahead for some of those loneliest moments so I'm especially thinking of the parents with shared custody if you know that your kids are going to be gone every other weekend the worst thing you can do is go into that weekend without any plans and end up sitting by yourself in your home noticing the silence instead I'm telling you to look at this as a gift you know most parents don't get much of a break from being a parent well one of the silver linings with the divorce is hey you get this break you get this respite so you better take advantage of it plan that time doesn't really matter what you're doing but get yourself busy get yourself out of the house do those things that you can't normally do because parent in such a full-time job if you plan ahead those moments aren't gonna hit you quite so hard reframe what it means to be single so I think for a lot of us we have this image of single is somehow being sad it's like you you know you weren't chosen for the the kickball team but that's not what single means look around you I bet you have people in your life that are single by choice perhaps have been their entire lives and yet they are doing awesome they have fulfilling lives they have lots of deep and meaningful connections with friends and family they're connected to their communities they're doing amazing things look at them is your inspiration single does not have to mean desperate or lonely or unwanted all that single means is you are your own person so take that and run with it celebrate your independence and this can be done in in really some small ways so a really silly one that I did my ex absolutely hated the smell of fruity bubblegum now I didn't particularly have a major affinity for it so I was more than happy to give it up while we were together one of the first things I did after he left is I went out and I bought myself a big ol pack of a strawberry bubble gum and I chewed it whenever I wanted and yeah it was small but yet it was assigned to myself of like hey this is a new chapter in your life you know I the thing is is for a lot of us we like being in a relationship we like being coupled there's also some amazing amazing benefits to being single so while you're in that space take advantage of them this is the time when you can redecorate your bedroom and you don't have to ask what anybody else thinks of the color or the pattern you can go out and buy whatever clothes you want you can get whatever tattoo you want you can assuming you're not having to come home for the children you can stay out all night and there's nobody at home worried about where you are it's kind of freeing isn't it so take advantage of that side of it and go do those things that you want to do embrace the table for one I know often people feel awkward you know doing certain things without a partner you know whether that be going on to dinner or going to an event but really nobody else is looking at you nobody else is wondering why is that person all by themselves that's so awkward they don't care so why should you you know so go out to dinner bring a book with you and sit by yourself or go sit at the bar to eat your dinner and go meet some new people you know it's an opportunity to really kind of expand your world because often when we go somewhere with somebody else we don't interact with a larger community we only interact with the person that we came with but if you go alone you're going to be observing more and interacting with more it's pretty awesome this is kind of a hard one but one of the ways to counteract loneliness is to practice vulnerability and then no that's hard especially once you've been hurt so badly the last thing you want to do is open yourself up again and a risk being hurt I know but again loneliness is the lack of meaningful connection so if you don't let yourself be seen you're never going to feel seen the only way to build relationships where you don't feel isolated where you don't feel lonely is to be vulnerable now at first I recommend practicing this and yes it's practice you're not going to get it right at first practice this with safe people people that you trust aren't going to hurt you people that you already feel pretty close with this can be friends family therapists it doesn't really matter but what happens is if we if we keep those walls up for too long becomes a habit and it's a scary one to break so the best thing to do is just let yourself be open let yourself be vulnerable keep practicing it keep trying don't let yourself wall yourself away from the world and then finally refrain from isolation for a lot of us especially introverts when we're hurt we we tend to hide you know kind of like a wounded animal curling up and it's done because it knows that that it doesn't want others to see its weaknesses so some of us do that we we pull inside we isolate and the thing is when you're doing that you're causing your loneliness there you're keeping yourself in the dark where nobody else can reach you so be careful not to isolate yourself too much even if you have to force it make yourself get out there it is hard at first but like with anything practice makes better and it does get easier so loneliness after divorce is probably one of the most common difficult and lasting responses that people have and it's perfectly natural you know you've lost so much and you haven't yet learned how to fill that void but I want you to know this that loneliness that you're feeling it doesn't have to last it doesn't have to be your way of existing for the long-term there are things that you can do to help you feel connected to others again

Channel: Lisa Arends

Views: 19,562

Keywords: divorce, lonely, after, loneliness, alone, sad, isolation, children, custody, kids, feeling, lisa arends, lessons from the end of a marriage

Id: ylPZ4I-b5Sc

Length: 15min 47sec (947 seconds)

Published: Fri Jun 14 2019