>> Announcer: AND NOW, A MESSAGE FROM FORMER PRESIDENT TRUMP. >>> HELLO. THANK YOU. IT'S ME. HI. I'M THE PROBLEM. IT'S ME. WELL, FOLKS, IT HAPPENED. I GOT INDICTED, OR AS I SPELL IT, INDICATED. AND FRANKLY, IT'S TIME THAT I COME CLEAN, ADMIT THAT I BROKE THE LAW, AND GO QUIETLY TO PRISON. APRIL FOOLS! THAT WAS A PRANK. I WAS DOING A JIM FROM OFFICE. BUT MAKE NO MISTAKE, WHAT THE RADICAL LEFT DEMOCRATS ARE DOING TO ME IS WORSE THAN ANY CRIME I'VE EVER COMMITTED, AND I'VE COMMITTED A LOT, CLOSE TO 34. SOME ARE SAY I'M GOING TO USE THIS INDICTMENT TO RILE UP MY BASE SO THAT THEY GIVE ME MORE MONEY. NOT TRUE. NOT TRUE. I DON'T WANT ANYTHING FROM MY BASE EXCEPT THEIR LOVE, THEIR VOTES, PERHAPS THEIR MONEY. AND I NEED THEIR MONEY MORE THAN EVER. NOW YOU MAY HAVE SEEN I'VE BEEN OPENING MY RALLIES WITH MY WONDERFUL SONG, "JUSTICE FOR ALL" WHICH I PERFORMED WITH THE J-6 CHOIR. THAT'S A REAL THING. VERY DISTURBING. IT WAS THE NUMBER ONE DOWNLOADED SONG. WE BEAT "FLOWERS" BY MILEY, WHICH AS WE ALL KNOW IS ABOUT LIAM. BUT MY SONG RAKED IN SO MUCH CASH, I THOUGHT WHY STOP THERE. THAT'S WHY I'M PUTTING OUT MY NEW ALBUM, "NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL MY LEGAL DEFENSE FUND", AKA, TRUMP BOPS, AND I'M BRINGING ALL THE THINGS ♪ THAT AIN'T NOTHING, BUT DRUGSTORE LOVING ♪ ♪ HEY, LITTLE THINGS, LET ME LIGHT YOUR CANDLE ♪ WOW, WHAT A DEAL. JUST 30 CLASSIC OTHERS, ALL HORRIBLE. SUNG BY YOUR FAVORITE PRESIDENT TO DEFEND OUR MOVEMENT, AND MOSTLY MYSELF, FROM THE EVIL MANHATTAN DA. THAT MEANS DISTRICT ATTORNEY. BUT I'M A FIGHTER, AND SPEAKING OF FIGHTING AND TAKING ADVANTAGE OF FIGHTERS, HERE'S MY FRIEND DON KING. >> HEY, EVERYBODY. WHAT Y'ALL DOING TO THIS MAN IS A TRAGEDY. >> SOMEBODY WITH THE BIG HAIR MURDERED A GUY. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT. ♪ ISLANDS IN THE STREAM, THAT IS WHAT WE ARE, NO ONE IN BETWEEN, HOW CAN WE BE WRONG ♪ WE'RE NOT WRONG. I'VE NEVER BEEN WRONG. ♪ MAKING LOVE TO EACH OTHER, UH-HUH ♪ DON KING, EVERYBODY. SPEAKING OF LOVE, ME AND THE FIRST LADY, MELANIA, ARE IN HIGH SPIRITS. SINCE THE NEWS OF MY POSSIBLE IMPRISONMENT, I'VE NEVER SEEN MELANIA HAPPIER. SHE'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD, SECOND ONLY TO PERHAPS MANY YOUNGER, HOTTER WOMEN. BUT WE LIKE HER. ALSO JUST TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT, I DIDN'T EVEN SLEEP WITH STORMY DANIELS, BUT IN MANY WAYS, I DID. ISN'T IT IRONIC THE FIRST TIME I PAY SOMEONE, THEY TRY TO SEND ME TO JAIL. THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T PAY PEOPLE, FOLKS. YOU NEVER PAY PEOPLE. PRETTY IRONIC. ♪ IT'S LIKE RAIN ON YOUR WEDDING DAY, WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT, IT FIGURES ♪ AND FOLKS, IF THEY CAN COME FOR ME, THEY CAN COME FOR YOU TOO. OR IN THE CASE OF JANUARY 6th, THEY CAN COME FOR YOU AND NOT FOR ME. I LIKE THAT ONE A LITTLE BIT BETTER. BECAUSE I REALLY DON'T WANT TO GO TO JAIL, BUT WHEN I THINK ABOUT HOW SHREDDED I MIGHT GET, IT'S AWFULLY TEMPTING. CAN YOU IMAGINE ME PUMPING IRON IN THE JAIL YARD WITH THE HOMIES? GETTING REAL BIG ON TOP, LITTLE ON BOTTOM. TOTALLY PRISON YOLKED, LOOKING LIKE A CANDY APPLE. PERHAPS I MIGHT EVEN BECOME RECEPTIVE TO THE TEACHINGS OF THE PROFIT MUHAMMAD. ALTHOUGH WITH, I'VE NEVER SEEN ANY PICTURES OF HIM. KIND OF SUS. UH-OH, WHO'S THIS? IT'S A MAN WHO, LIKE ME, WAS ILLEGALLY RAIDED, AND HE'S TURNING IT INTO BIG BUCKS. AFRO MAN. ♪ I WAS GOING TO GO TO CLASS, BUT THEN I GOT HIGH ♪ DRUGS ARE KILLING OUR CHILDREN. ♪ I COULD HAVE CHEATED, BUT I PASSED, AND THEN I GOT HIGH ♪ REAL SHAME. ♪ BECAUSE I GOT HIGH, BECAUSE I GOT HIGH, BECAUSE I GOT HIGH ♪ WE NEED TO BE EXECUTING OUR DRUG DEALERS. THANK YOU, AFRO MAN. FOLKS, FOLKS, YOUR HARD-EARNED MONEY IS IMPORTANT. IF I GO TO JAIL, I WILL NEED MONEY FOR COMMISSARY SNACKS. I WILL NEED A SUPPLY OF RAMONS TO SUCCESSFULLY BARTER WITH A MAN NAMED LIZARD. AND NOW MY MOST LOYAL SUPPORTER, I WISH HE WOULD GO AWAY. HE'S MY KENDALL ROY. IT'S DON JR. >> WOW, DAD, THIS IS REALLY EMOTIONAL. IT MIGHT BE THE LAST TIME I SEE YOU. >> FROM YOUR MOUTH TO GOD'S EARS. ♪ THE BOY'S A LIAR, THE BOY'S A LIAR, HE DOESN'T SEE YA, YOU'RE NOT LOOKING AT ME, BOY ♪ YEAH! VERY STRANGE ENERGY, MY SON. DON'T LIKE IT. HE'S SAYING THAT I'M GOOD ENOUGH, GRABBING MY DRRR, WE LOVE ICE SPICE, DON'T WE? ICE SPICE. LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL HAIR. MANHATTAN, I'LL SEE YOU ON TUESDAY. WE'LL BE WILD. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
