-With President Trump down by a
wide margin in the latest polls, his campaign has landed
on a closing argument -- Spread coronavirus
to as many people as possible and threaten to leave
the country if he loses. For more on this,
it's time for "A Closer Look." ♪♪ As of Saturday,
more than 26 million people had already voted
in the presidential election, breaking records everywhere from
Alabama to Georgia to Texas. People lined up for hours
across the country, including at some iconic sites
that have been converted into polling places
like Fenway Park. -The enthusiasm was high among
voters casting their ballots at Fenway Park.
-I wanted to vote at Fenway because we have all been cooped
up inside for a little bit and I got my Dunkies and I'm ready to vote
for Joe Biden, but I wish I was voting
for Bernie Sanders. But it's a team sport. -Fantastic. Even after the pandemic is over, I hope Boston holds every
election at Fenway. I'd love to see the exit polling
afterward. "Well, Wolf, I'm a little
shocked by these numbers, but apparently 58% voted for
"Ya motha." Usually the only election
at Fenway are landslides in favor
of Jeter Sucks. And if you're wondering
what that one dot is... [ Boston accent ] So, my uncle,
who is a big wig at Fleet got me the bank's tickets
on Saturday, so I invite Marty Snakes,
and he's all, "Can I bring my friend?"
And I say, "Sure." 'Cause I owe him from that time
his cousin, who's a statie, helped me out with that DUI. But Marty doesn't mention
his friend's a Yankee fan. Kid shows up with the hat and
everything, and on top of that, when Marty asks if we want
beers, the guy says, "I'll take a IPA," and I'm like,
"IPA? How about a Bud Light
and you shut the [bleep] up?" That was like a little play. So, tens of millions of people
across the country have already lined up to vote
or mailed in their ballot. Now, we don't know what that
tells us about the outcome except that it can't be great
news for Trump since he is currently trailing
in national polls around 10 points, and he's
running out of time to make up the gap, which might
explain why he has been making a series of increasingly
bizarre threats about what he'll do if he loses. -If I lose to him,
I don't know what I'm gonna do. I will never speak to you again. Can you imagine if I lose, my
whole life, what am I gonna do? I'm gonna say,
"I lost to the worst candidate in the history of politics." I'm not going to feel so good. Maybe I'll have to
leave the country? I don't know.
-Oh, I don't know if you heard. But we can't go anywhere! And I know everyone got excited
about that last part, but even if he did leave
the country, I'm pretty sure he would go
somewhere that had the Internet. I only want him to leave
the country because he'll be so broke
he'll have to backpack through Europe with a Eurail
pass and sleep in cheap hostels. [ As Trump ]
E-Excusez-moi, ou est le, eh, oh, McDonald's? [ Normal voice ] Also,
I didn't think I could be any more motivated to vote
against Trump until I heard him say if he loses he'll never
speak to us again. I would give anything not to
hear Trump's voice any more. He's everywhere --
our phones, our TVs. He's even my GPS voice now. [ As Trump ] We love to head
northeast on Main Street and then turn left in
1,000 feet, don't we, folks? And you're hearing it
more and more. Jug handle.
It's a jug handle, folks. Don't we love our jug handles?
You know what I always say? Why do they call it
a jug handle? Who drinks out of the jugs
anymore? Am I right? We don't drink out of the jugs. What I'm saying, you understand, but the fake news,
they'll never report it. Oh, they love their jug handles.
Crooked streets! [ Normal voice ] Why are we
in the middle of a lake? Trump never shuts up in part
because he wants to make us feel he's inevitable, like he's
an immutable part of our lives, that there will never be a day
when we don't have to wake up and 12 different psychotic news
stories that say something like "Trump accuses Eiffel Tower of working with Bigfoot
to give him COVID. Republicans say they haven't
seen the tweet." We can't have that. We can't have a country where
we don't have to listen to the most irritating man
in the world every goddamn day. If Joe Biden is elected,
it'll be like having your retiree dad
in the office. He'll talk to you for about
five minutes a week and then say, uh,
"You need any money? Alright. Here's your mother." So, tens of millions of
Americans are filling out mail ballots and pouring into
polling places as we speak, and you can tell which
constituencies Trump is doing especially poorly
with because he is not subtle about pandering to them.
For example, He's added a very pathetic
refrain to his rallies -- begging women who live in
the suburbs to like him. -I saved your suburbs. Women! Suburban women,
you're supposed to love Trump! Suburban women,
they should like me more than anybody here tonight. So can I ask you
to do me a favor? Suburban women,
will you please like me? -Two weeks left in the campaign
and he's starting to sound like late-'70s Woody Allen. [ As Woody Allen ] Suburban
women don't like me very much. Once I went on a date
to a strip mall. I thought --
[ Winces, chuckles ] [ Laughter ] [ Normal voice ]
Can you guys remember how good the Boston accent was? [ As Allen ] Yeah, I was
supposed to show -- [ Laughs ] [ Normal voice ]
Just go, just go. [ Sighs ]
By the way, remember -- [ Laughter ] You guys remember when this
wet sandwich over here wrapped up one of his speeches
with, "Please clap," and everybody on both sides
of the aisle made fun of him until he disappeared forever,
and yet Trump begs people to, "Please like me,"
and 40% of the nation still thinks he's some kind of
unstoppable warrior king? Seriously, our president
is so desperate for the votes of suburban women,
he's starting to sound like a divorced dad on the prowl. "Suburban women, will you please
like me? I don't know any restaurants
in the city. Do you think suburban women were
maybe just maybe just turned off a smidge by the affair you had
with a porn star? You should try pulling that one
at Ann Taylor. [ As Trump ] Now, before
you answer, my wife had just given birth,
and Stormy was a 10. [ Normal voice ]
And then were are seniors, a group Trump won handily
in 2016 that he's now struggling with
in key states like Florida. Last week, Trump held an indoor
event with seniors in Florida where he touted a last minute
and likely illegal scheme to send cash cards
for prescription drugs to every senior
before the election. -I'm honored to be here in
Fort Myers to reaffirm my solemn pledge
to America's seniors. It's so important to me.
I happen to be a senior. [ Laughter ] I will protect you,
I will defend for you, and I will fight for you
with every ounce of energy and conviction that I have. -He can't even say the words
"energy and conviction" with energy and conviction. He sounds like a pastor
reading rap lyrics at an obscenity hearing. Face down, ass up. That's the way we like to eff. Whenever he reads off a script, he sounds like his COVID meds
just kicked in. [ As Trump ] They gave me
an experimental cocktail of Regeneron mixed with NyQuil,
Valium, and Lunesta. Let's have a hand for
the Lunesta moth, folks. He's a true patriot.
Suburban women love him. [ Normal voice ]
Also, you don't have to say "I happen to be a senior."
We know you're a senior from, you know,
everything about you. Your tweets are like e-mail
forwards, your preferred method
of transportation is golf cart, and you grip that podium
the way my grandma grips a steering wheel. You look like you're going
5 miles an hour in the passing lane, but hey, at least you dance
like a young person. [ Chuckles ] [ As Trump ] I call this move,
"Roach called in a glue trap." [ Laughter ] [ As Allen ]
[ Speaking gibberish ] But no.
[ Laughter ] [ Normal voice ] I thought maybe
if I snuck up on it, you know? I thought if I didn't think
about it, and just jumped -- But no amount of pathetic
pandering is gonna magically turn Trump's numbers around,
mainly because we're now heading into a third wave
of the coronavirus pandemic which scientists are warning could be the worst yet,
and Trump is doing nothing. He's letting a deadly virus rip
through the country unabated. Worse, he seems like he is doing
everything he can to spread the disease after appearing to
catch it himself at a White House superspreader
event, and even acting like it was
a good thing, calling it
"a blessing from God," suggesting he's immune now, and that he feels powerful
like Superman, when if anything, he has the
grammar and syntax of Bizarro. [ As Trump ] Women suburban
like no Bizarro. [ Normal voice ]
That one was for all the seniors watching this on Tuesday morning
on their iPhone 6. For example, at that same
Florida event as hundreds of Americans
die every day and 10 states recorded
record-high COVID cases, Trump once again told seniors
that the virus was on the verge
of disappearing. -The light at the end
of the tunnel is near. We are rounding the turn.
I say that all the time. Some of the media doesn't like
hearing it, but I say it all the time.
We are rounding that turn. -You've been saying that
for months. If you're always
rounding the turn, then you're actually just going
in circles, which is something Trump
has experience with since he spends a good chunk
of his time mindlessly wandering around
the White House lawn. Like he's looking for a Frisbee
in a neighbor's yard. [ As Trump ]
Mind if I look for my disc? Me and some buddies
were playing Frolf and I accidentally let one rip. [ Normal voice ] Trump keeps
going from state to state holding superspreader rallies where people
are tightly packed in without masks
or social distancing, even in states experiencing
surges in hospitalizations and case loads like Wisconsin. He keeps spreading lies
about masks, and his events repeatedly
been linked to outbreaks from Tulsa to Minnesota,
just today, once again attacked the nation's top
infectious disease expert Dr. Anthony Fauci,
calling him a disaster. At this point, it's impossible
to conclude anything other than the fact
that Trump and his allies are actively trying to get
people sick. What more could he be doing at
this point, letting people crowd surf
at his rallies? Check. And then chucking hats
he touched into the crowd right before testing positive
for COVID? Check. Soon he's gonna travel with
a mascot named COVID Larry who will hand out kisses to
whoever cheers the loudest. That's the story most voters
are laser focused on. The president and his party are
actively getting people sick. Trump and the GOP
clearly do not care how many Americans die
from this disease. They're more upset about
Facebook and Twitter not letting them spread
obvious [bleep] about a "New York Post" story
even the "Post"'s own reporters didn't want to put
their names on. The out-of-control pandemic
that is once again spiking across the country
and the economic misery that comes with it are
the stories that matter most, and Trump and the GOP can't just talk them away no matter
how they try. That's why they're unraveling,
inciting violence against their opponents and spinning
wild conspiracy theories. Over the last few days, Trump
has repeatedly called for Joe Biden, Barack Obama,
Hillary Clinton, and Gretchen Whitmer,
the governor of Michigan, to be thrown in jail even after
a right-wing terrorist plot to kidnap Whitmer was uncovered. And this weekend, two of his
most obsequious toadies floated a psychotic and vile
charge against Hunter Biden. -There is further analysis
of the subpoena's handwriting, and it suggests that
the subpoena was served by an FBI agent whose name is
Joshua Wilson, and over the last five years, he has been working on
child pornography issues. Connect the dots.
If an FBI agent is working on child pornography issues
for five years, why is he subpoenaing the laptop
of Hunter Biden? Is there a connection here? Should this suggest that there
is a child pornography issue here on that laptop? -Well, I think you just
made the connection. Again, this is what the FBI
I think has to come clean about. -So, was the FBI agent
who served the subpoena investigating child pornography,
Senator? -Well, you just read
the news report. I can't comment any further. -These rotten, soulless husks
are just doing Pizzagate all over again, and they didn't
even add any new details. They just did a search
and replace with Hunter Biden in
for Hillary Clinton. I mean, at least punch it up
a little bit. Come on. It's season four. Add an evil twin
or a talking cat. You know, everyone is focused on
Wisconsin cheese turd Ron Johnson here,
and rightly so, but let's not forget
Maria Bartiromo, who is also a true crazy person, and you can just tell
from the way she talks. She's got that vibe of an aunt
who spends all her time reading about alien autopsies
on Internet message boards. "They're hiding the bodies
at Fort Knox!" I'd say Fox should fire
Bartiromo for spreading such a baseless
and grotesque claim, but then Fox would still hire
the replacement, so it's not like it would be
better. Like, how it's a good idea for
the Jets to get a new QB, until you remember the Jets
would be in charge of picking the new QB. "We like this kid, strong arm.
Good speed. Gets skittish when he hears
loud noises, so don't boo, you guys, please!
If you boo, it's bad!" The reason they are trying to
slime the Bidens is because they can't actually talk about
Trump's horrendous record, and now with two weeks until the
election as millions of people line up to vote early
and Biden widens his lead in national polls, the president
has been as erratic as ever. He's concocting
a harebrained scheme with his Italian Dracula lawyer
to spread disinformation about the Biden family,
calling for political opponents to be thrown in jail,
inciting violence against the Governor of Michigan,
laying the groundwork for his sequel to Bush v. Gore, begging suburban women
to like him, threatening to leave the country
if he loses, suggesting on Twitter that Biden
had the members of SEAL Team Six murdered after failing to kill
Osama bin Laden, who is according to this theory,
still alive, and claiming the military
had some sort of secret aquatic weapon. -Everybody is envious. We have the hydrosonic missiles
that you used to hear about. We didn't have them
because other countries were stealing our plans
from the Obama administration, but we now have hydrosonic
missiles. -Are you sure you don't mean
hypersonic? Not hydrosonic? Are you confusing
the US military with Aquaman? [ As Trump ] We have
hydrosonic missiles, folks. They can talk to dolphins, fish. That's how we recruited
the Navy SEALs. [ Normal voice ] We're watching
a deeply dangerous man supported by a deeply dangerous
party unravel at the prospect
of losing power. They don't seem to care
who they hurt or who gets sick in the process, but it's in our power
to stop him by voting to repudiate him
in overwhelming numbers. And if we succeed,
this time next year, he'll be going country to
country asking people... -Will you please like me?
-This has been "A Closer Look." ♪♪ -God's Love We Deliver
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wear a mask. We love you.
Fuck Ron Johnson
FUCK Ron Johnson.
okay I think that needs to replace "fuck ron johnson" as his new moniker. It's just so great.
Fuck Ron Johnson, the Wisconsin Cheese Turd
So funny and clever !!
Fuck him with his lil johnson