The United Kingdom. What was once
the world's largest empire is now just a rainy island
struggling with Brexit, a resigning prime minister and a super spy who
probably has a thousand STDs. And on top of all of that, now
they have to deal with Trump. NEWSMAN:
The President and First Lady touched down in England
early this morning for the three-day state visit with one
of America's closest allies. The First Family received
a royal welcome at Buckingham Palace
from Queen Elizabeth. Her Majesty then hosted
a private lunch and afternoon tea
for the Trumps. They then toured the palace's
royal collection of art -and historic gifts.
-TRUMP: Oh... NEWSWOMAN: The queen did in fact
give to President Trump a first edition
of a Winston Churchill book on the Second World War
called Second World War. That's right, the queen's gift
for Donald Trump was a book. (laughter) Either she doesn't know Trump, -or she's trolling him.
-(laughter) Why would you give
Donald Trump a book? Everyone knows
the man doesn't read. I wish I was there when
the queen gave him his gift. She was like,
"Here you go, Donald, "a book about World War II. He's like, "Wow, this is sad."
"Yes, many lives were lost." "No, I mean the fact that
I have to read. It's so sad." For real, though, Donald Trump
has no use for a book. It's a useless gift. It's like giving
Stevie Wonder a fish tank. It's like, "Uh, so,
wh-what's happening now, Stevie, "is the blue one is swimming
at the top and now the... "the yellow one
is swimming in a... "You know, you'd love it.
You'd love it. I... I didn't think
this through." (applause) Now, I wouldn't be shocked,
I wouldn't be shocked if the queen was actually
trolling Donald Trump, right? Because... over the weekend,
he was in the news for a comment that he made
about Princess Meghan Markle. And as if that
wasn't bad enough, before he landed in the UK,
he was also trading blows with the mayor of London. As President Trump was departing
for London last night, he took a shot at that
city's mayor, Sadiq Khan, who's been a sharp critic
of the president. NEWSWOMAN: Before even landing
on British soil, he tweeted his disdain
for London mayor Sadiq Khan, whom he describes
as a "stone-cold loser." The two are not scheduled
to meet. Wait, what? That's a really weird diss. (like Trump) This guy's shorter
than Bill de Blasio. Yeah, everyone is shorter
than Bill de Blasio. -(laughter)
-Guy's, like, seven feet tall. That's like someone being like, "Ha-ha! This guy has less money
than Jeff Bezos!" -Yeah, that's all of us.
-(laughter) It's also impressive that
Donald Trump started a beef with London's mayor
while he was still in the air. He sent his tweets ahead of... It's almost like he sends
his beefs ahead of him so that he has something to do
when he lands. Yeah? Because otherwise,
he'd just have to pick a fight with a random palace guard,
you know? He'd be like, "Nice hat, loser.
Porn from the '70s called. "They want their bush back. -Ha-ha! Ha-ha!"
-(laughter) Now... now, Trump didn't just go to
the UK to roast the Royal Family and little de Blasio, no. He also went there to share some of that political acumen
that he's so famous for. TV REPORTER: The president's
already inflamed tensions here by weighing-in
on the fiery debate over the country's
planned departure from the European Union after criticizing embattled
Prime Minister Theresa May during his last visit,
now suggesting the pro-Brexit former mayor of London
Boris Johnson would be a good candidate
to succeed May, who leaves office this week. He's been a friend of mine. He's been very nice. I have a very good relationship
with him. Okay. (laughter) O-Okay. (laughter) We all-- We all see it, right? (laughter) We're all seeing the same thing? (applause and cheering) Yeah. Of course he likes him. The U.K. is on the verge
of electing a prime minister who looks exactly
like Donald Trump. I mean, look at these guys. I've never seen two people who both look like
failed clones of each other. Like, these guys look
so much alike that if they wanted to
they could pull a Parent Trap, switch places
and no one would notice. Yeah, at least until Boris sent
a tweet with no typos and then people would be like
"Wait a minute." So between sticking his nose
in British politics and fighting with the mayor, Trump hasn't made
the greatest impression, which probably explains
why the British haven't exactly rolled out
the red carpet. Mr. Trump will not stay
overnight in Buckingham Palace. He will not ride
in an open carriage as other state visitors
have done, and he will not be allowed to
address Britain's parliament. TV REPORTER; If you're wondering
why isn't he staying at Buckingham Palace
as George W. Bush did, and as Barack Obama did,
that is because, apparently, they are having massive
renovations. Really? -Really?
-(laughter) All 52 bedrooms
in Buckingham Palace are being renovated
at the same time? All of them? -Come on, man.
-(cheers and applause) Like, I know you don't want
Trump to stay there, but that's a terrible excuse, 'cause now I'm picturing
the queen being like, (with British accent):
"Donald, I really tried to get you a room,
but the manager said no." I'm sorry, Donald,
it's above me now." He's like, (mimics Trump): "Please,
everyone else stays here." (with British accent):
"I'm sorry, Donald, the Best Western is next door." (normal voice):
So that was day one of Trump's visit to the U.K. And we'll check in on how things
go tomorrow after he meets with Prime Minister Theresa May and gives her
an extra special gift, a book about World War II.
Yaaassss “Best Western is next door” 🙌🏼