Trump Arrest Could Happen TOMORROW, GOP Lowlifes Scream Witch Hunt & Florida Aims to Ban Period Talk

whether it's the Mar-A-Lago raid or the unselect committee hoax the perfect Georgia phone call it was absolutely perfect or the stormy horse face Daniels extortion plot they're all sick and it's fake news from Hollywood it's Jimmy Kimmel Live and use it for parking home with Pluto and the cleito and now Jimmy [Applause] [Applause] kimmelon thanks for watching and thank you for joining us on um today is you probably know the first official day of spring and you feel it the days are getting longer indictments are in the air it's really magical it's the Calm before the stormy you know what we've been saying for years that one of these days we're going to wake up and trouble have been arrested for one of these many crimes well that day could be tomorrow and how do we know that they moral be we know that because on Saturday Trump in what seemed to be an effort to rally the troops to protect him wrote The Far and Away leading Republican candidate and former president of the United States of America will be arrested on Tuesday of next week protests take our nation back well we already did take it back from you now go away I don't know but you never know with him either he's about to actually be arrested or he's releasing another round of digital trading cards for us to buy we don't know for sure but he went totally truth postal this weekend he said America is a dying third world country he said the election was stolen he spelled it with two L's he called for protests he said they should investigate the investigators he suggested the NYPD should refuse to arrest him let's just say he was very presidential this weekend he's absolutely spinning out because he knows it's melania's birthday next month that she might finally get her wish if Trump does get indicted tomorrow the Secret Service would bring him to the Manhattan District Attorney's office for a mug shot and fingerprints assuming they can find find an ink pad small enough for his finger maybe they'll use it maybe they'll use the tip of a Sharpie just tap it and some Trump supporters online have been talking about creating what they're calling a patriot moat to surround him and prevent the police from taking him in which is genius and as all this is happening Republicans in the House of Representatives are gathered in Orlando for their annual issues Retreat and they definitely got issues to retrieve from all the usual low lives of screaming Witch Hunt about this Jim Jordan Matt Gates speaker Kevin McCarthy who at one time Kevin McCarthy blasted Trump over January 6. now he sees things differently I don't think people should protest this no and I I think president Trump if you talk to him he doesn't believe that either wait what no what I think the thing that you may misinterpret when the when President Trump talks when someone says that they can approach us he's probably referring to my tweet educate people about what's going on he's not talking in a harmful way right so when Trump posts something like in all caps they're killing our nation as we sit back and watch we must save America protest protest protest he doesn't mean protest he means stay home read up educate yourself speaker McCarthy by the way isn't the only one embarrassing himself to stay on the good side of the crazies Mike Pence the guy the Maga Hatters wanted to hang on January 6th Mike Pence weighed in with words that are so profoundly meaningless even if you were to print them out you'd still have a blank page I I know that you think big picture nobody is above the law you don't think Donald Trump is above the law nobody's above the law but nobody's beneath the law either well [Applause] somebody been gnawing on mother scented candles again because that doesn't make any sense at all and then we have Rudy Giuliani who thinks we're focused on the wrong thing recount Dracula says we shouldn't be focused on what our president paid a porn star to be quiet we should be focused on Hunter Biden's laptop the hard drive is absolutely true it will reveal a family not the entire family but a large number of crooks and perverts they also put the emphasis on the second one perverts you cannot believe the con I think we're having a technical difficulty right there yeah yeah well if anyone knows about perverts it's the dude who tried to whip it out for borat's daughter that's for sure it's even Florida Governor Ron DeSantis defended Trump he had some BS thing uh George Soros funded judge tirade prepared that conveniently ignored why Trump is in this fix but he also slipped a little Zinger into Trump's expense you're talking about this situation with and look I don't know what goes into paying hush money to a porn star to to secure silence over some type of alleged Affair I just I can't speak to that Ronda sassy all of a sudden as you might have imagined that comment did not play well in Trump town he wrote right back he wrote Ron desantimonious will probably find out about false accusations and fake stories sometime in the future as he gets older wiser and better known when he's unfairly in and illegally attacked by a woman even classmates that are underage or possibly a man and that's what this has come to now oh yeah you're gay I mean because truth is reason for Trump to be in any of this trouble if Casa no brain had just paid Stormy Daniels the 130 000 himself out of his Pizza Hut money or whatever he wouldn't be in this situation he wouldn't have an issue in New York so many of his legal problems are based on him being an idiot if president Karen hadn't picked up the phone or called around Georgia asking to speak to its manager to find eleven thousand votes he wouldn't have an issue in Georgia if he just tweeted the words calm down go home four hours earlier like everyone including his daughters told him to he wouldn't have an issue on January 6th and if the Great White Hope Chest hadn't boxed up his love letters from the Saudis and Kim Jong-un then squirreled them out of the White House and into the rec room at calphalago he wouldn't have an issue with the FBI in every case the reason he's in trouble is because he is the dumbest criminal in the world he's Al gabonhead is what he is here's how different Donald Trump's day was from Joe Biden's today while Trump was banging on that all caps button with his greasy little thumbs Biden was hosting the cast of Ted lasso at the White House Trump's getting ready to be arrested Biden is eating biscuits with Ted lasso and while the rest of the country was watching basketball this weekend Trump showed up in Tulsa on Saturday to see the NCAA wrestling championship you know Trump himself did some wrestling he wrestled Vince McMahon at WrestleMania and so this is his area of expertise there was a kid at this tournament his kid's a three-time national champion from Iowa's named Spencer Lee he won 58 matches in a row until he ran into Matt Ramos from Purdue oh Spencer Lee's mom Kathy and her glasses did not survive that match oh and that's unfortunate that's unfortunate to see but this is the this is the this is what happens here if that isn't a LensCrafters commercial by the end of the week a major opportunity has been blown this is delightful coming off of St Patrick's Day I want to congratulate our good friends the six ABC News team in Philadelphia for providing us with an absolutely Stellar edition of the unintentional joke of the day here's your exclusive AccuWeather now I'm double fisted well fisted in a different way I think Jess she means beer she means beer of course she means beer what else would you mean in Florida things seem to be getting nuttier every day in the Sunshine State Republicans there are considering legislation now that would ban teachers from discussing menstruation and human sexuality in elementary school this is a bill it was put forward by a State House member named Stan McLean this is Stan he is a uh he's a man with a smile that says Mommy I filled my diaper and he says that if girls experience their menstrual cycle in the fifth grade teachers would be prohibited from discussing it with them until they're in the sixth grade which makes sense your girl gets her period in fifth grade you just tell her to wait a year you know guys just because your state looks like a penis doesn't mean you have to act like one all the time this whole measure [Music] is now creating so much controversy and confusion for educators in Florida the state legislature had to release a public service announcement hi I'm Clint McIntyre public information director for the Florida State Legislature been some hullabaloo recently over what can and can't be discussed in her Public Schools so I'm here to clear it up can girls ask questions about their first period absolutely not because frankly it's yucky Simply Good bleeding is bad whether it's from accidentally shooting yourself while cleaning your guns or hitting a possum with your boat trailer you have a confused child mentions your period because they did just tell her it's Whataburger sauce like Santa girls will figure out the truth eventually can girls ask their mothers about menstruation no why would you mothers or women and if you get Mom going she's mentioned PR in apologies to Nancy that's gross children need to learn about pregnancy the Florida Way by getting knocked up in the parking lot at a Pitbull concert so who should girls talk to it's better if girls don't ask questions at all you ever hear the phrase curiosity killed the cat the cat is dead that's why we've spent our entire legislative session making it illegal for kids to identify as cats you won't find a single litter box or tampon anywhere near our schools because they attract coyotes and here in Florida we have a saying coyotes are like books they're dangerous if you'll excuse me I have a lot of cocaine to do eight four by a Florida Department of Education and the Daytona Bar Association of art teacher contest charges system's still on yeah well happy women's History Month everybody [Applause]

Channel: Jimmy Kimmel Live

Views: 2,544,717

Keywords: jimmy, jimmy kimmel, jimmy kimmel live, late night, talk show, funny, comedic, comedy, clip, comedian, mean tweets, Monologue, Guillermo, Hollywood, Los Angeles, West Coast, Donald Trump, Trump, Spring, Stormy Daniels, Truth Social, Witch hunt, Cold Open, Trump Jail, Former President, Manhattan District Attorney, Kevin Mccarthy, January 6th, MAGA, Mike Pence, Rudy Giuliani, Ron Desantis, Florida, Melania Trump, Hunter Biden

Id: UACDsKJkim0

Length: 12min 16sec (736 seconds)

Published: Tue Mar 21 2023