Trump’s 40-Minute Blab Fest with Tucker Carlson, Pence Saves Women’s Rights & Santos is Jewish!

thank you for joining us here in the um in the good old United States of America where I have some exciting news I don't know maybe we should have a drum roll for this according to the CDC cases of sexually transmitted disease are on the rise America is back and so is our chlamydia everybody it's uh for some reason they have changed the term STD to STI did you know this which is very bad news for the students at the Systems Technology Institute but sea ice went way down at the start of the coven pandemic but they're now headed back up the charts with a a bullet covet was like we our work is done here herpes you take over from here speaking of sexually transmitted diseases Donald Trump our fondling father has re-emerged he sat for a 45-minute blabfest with Tucker Carlson last night on Fox News it's quite a chat Trump covered everything from World War III which he seems to be rooting for to wanting to take the president of China to a Broadway show and also he as he often does managed to shoe in some thoughts about the n-word you don't mention I call it the n-word you have two n words you don't mention either one of them okay that's good to know go on I'm talking about nuclear nucleus nuclear nuclear nuclear nuclear nuclear nuclear nuclear nuclear nuclear nuclear nuclear nuclear nuclear I never mentioned the word nuclear you never heard me mention the word yeah except for the except for 400 times in the last minute and a half but nobody talks about nuclear the problem the problem we have the biggest problem we have in the whole world it's not global warming it's nuclear warming old man talking about nuclear warming you think he means nuclear war about nuclear warming is because what the hell are you talking about I did a Google search for nuclear warming there were 1200 results and the top one was a song on Spotify by a band called The transplendent which was actually pretty good but the reason nobody's talking about nuclear warming is because if that's not a thing this interview was terrible not once did Tucker stop and say huh but it did make one thing very clear and the fact that Donald Trump is a profoundly stupid person I think it's important to remember that he does not have the best words he's not a stable genius that mental competency test he's always bragging that he passed this is something the average seven-year-old could pass okay at one point this horny old goat felt it important to explain how good-looking the Chinese interpreter was so when I dealt with President church I was with him the whole weekend he had an incredible I'm not allowed to say it because it's very impolite and very Politically Incorrect a beautiful female interpreter she's very beautiful today if you say it they'll say this is terrible you're not allowed to say that but she was very professional she spoke every word for him very professional yeah well that's you know that's what interpreters do they speak every word for the first professionally Putin did this to him too he brought on a an attractive interpreter that's all you have to do get a hot interpreter Trump starts lifting sanctions like they're potato chips Dr Carlton just sits there like a doofus he never interjects he's like oh how hot was she I mean he's terrified because three weeks ago we found out he'd been texting his co-workers about Trump saying I hate him passionately he's a demonic Force he's a destroyer he's not going to destroy us I've been thinking about this every day for four years and then after thinking about her for four years tuck sat down with the Demonic force and slobbered all over his Christmas ornaments yeah Tucker goes and asked Trump if being arrested would mean he'd pull out of the race Trump said it wouldn't and I believe pulling out is not Donald Trump's thing if it was we wouldn't have Don Jr and Eric if it was the um [Applause] you know Fox News is hosting the first Republican primary debate in August I don't know maybe they can hold it in whatever prison Trump is locked up in if he's not going to pull out let the inmates be the audience Tucker can finally meet all the white supremacists who love his show meanwhile Mike Pence has been on fire lately he was at the University of Alabama last night regaling the crowd with these great stories about his life before politics I went on to pursue a career in radio I was uh I was a syndicated talk show host in Indiana I mean I don't seem like I'm interesting enough to do that for a living but I did three hours a day six days a week it was kind of like Rush Limbaugh on decaf that's decaf and melatonin it was and then they had a q a with the students and one of the young women in particular has some very serious concerns as I wake up every day and I sometimes don't feel safe because I'm a woman and I feel that that's being taken away really by who um by our president oh whoa Joe Biden's taking your vagina away that's I mean my God the man can barely ride a bicycle and I just want to know do you think that that's going to change in the near future do you think that that's going to get better because I'm worried that um the idea of being a woman is being taken away by um by the Democrats well let me assure you help is on the way okay that's right Captain lady Parts is here to save the day the idea that a woman is asking Mike Pence about women's rights being taken away indicates to me they might want to have another look at the minimum GPA required to get in the University of Alabama but Mike Pence loves this sort of thing because it's a it's a kind of non-issue that his base absolutely feasts on American people know the answer to the question what is a woman it's a female human being [Applause] okay well you know what they say when when Mother's away it's time to play and white chance has not formally entered the race for president but he's polling at about seven percent which puts him in third place according to a new morning console poll that poll has uh says Trump has opened up now a 33-point lead over Ron DeSantis not a great sign when you're down 33 points to a guy who just got arrested for giving a porn star the least satisfying four seconds of her life but the competition is heating up Senator Tim Scott today uh announced that he is launching an exploratory committee while he thinks about maybe running for president which will be an uphill climb most people don't know who Tim Scott is he's a Republican senator from South Carolina who owned an Allstate Insurance Agency and if he were to win then I'm gonna that would make him the second black All-State guy turned president the first of course being David Palmer from uh 24. you know in other political news Congressman George Santos is doubling down on this claim that he's Jewish he told a couple of reporters he has DNA tests that prove his Jewish Heritage he says the tests not only do they prove he's Jewish he proves also he is Barbra Streisand which is Santa's made this claim to a couple of writers for Jewish magazine he didn't offer any proof but we could take him at his word right I mean he's not not like he's lied to us before but here's the thing having a tiny bit of Jewish ancestry does not mean you're Jewish you know Guillermo took one of those tests this is true it revealed he is 0.8 percent Ashkenazi Jewish Guillermo do you feel being Point wait a minute where's Guillermo anybody know where Guillermo is Guillermo oh hey Guillermo Jimmy bubola please it's Passover I'm trying to have us say it with my Miss Puja you're Miss Puja what are you eating there Guillermo Jimmy I love maso in mini chevis makes me it makes him yeah what do you call that that hat you're wearing on your head what do you call that hat on your head oh very good happy Passover you know you're a few days late on the Seder there so suit me what are you gonna do wow that's he's I don't know if he's not sure if he's Jewish but he's one hell of an actor that's for sure hey we have a fun show for you tonight from Abbott Elementary Quinter Brunson is with us and it is week three of their week-long residency Metallica is here Metallica one of the legendary bands that had a huge surge of popularity among young people because their song Master of Puppets was on stranger things they'll be playing that song for us later on but first since we have kind of a puppet theme we thought it would be fun to take the band to there's a theater the Bob Baker marionette theater it's a popular children's theater and we so we sent Metallica there to give the guys a chance to actually Master some puppets [Music] hello welcome to the Bob Beaker marionette theater the Palace of puppetry awaits um can I get your names kids I'm James I'm Kirk hey I'm Lars I'm Robert hello very nice to meet you publicly anything you may come to life like a sock in your hand or a blanket or you name it but these puppets can have strings so essentially what these are these are marionettes so if you look at the top these are called airplane controls and then the front you have the foot box when you kind of take that off the paddle This is what make it work so it has strings on the side that connects to the legs so when Ginger Roxas left and right these strings go to the knees in the front there's hamstrings and there's even a butt string that kind of makes it lean over and bow how long does it take to become a true Puppet Master yeah it's a great question normally many years today we have an hour or so okay then [Music] friggin now I may look like a cactus but I am actually a Scandinavian cucumber I did just smoke here buddy okay oh yeah whoa all right guys kids will be here soon real puppeteers wear blacks just like one of our albums okay guys bring it in let's go out there and puppet like our lives depend on it you got this we got this we've got this let's go redo so scary though we got this three two one [Music] once upon a time there was a happy little cactus named Lars who wanted to start a band I'm bored and lonely I want to start a band but he needed some cool friends to play with so Lars took out an ad in an LA newspaper called the recycler because they didn't have Craigslist yet does anybody want a band with me his wish was answered by a cool cat named James hey I want to be in a band with you full disclosure I'm not spayed or neutered James and Lars were so happy together but still they needed more band members we need some more members we need some more band members yeah soon they were joined by two new friends Kirk the donkey and Robert The Invisible Man hi I'm a donkey and I liked to party [Music] and I'm the Invisible Man and I like to party too let's be in a band together come on [Applause] now all they had to do was decide what kind of music to play should we play country music [Music] country music's lame what about polka [Music] [Applause] nah that sucks too how about salsa [Music] you know what to do until they met their new friend Satan [Music] hiya friends I'm Satan what kind of music you you'll be rich and famous and do lots of drug I mean candy she'll do lots of candy yeah candy the music you should play is metal what's metal what's that metals are cool music that uses electricity watch friends [Music] [Applause] [Music] foreign [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Applause] foreign

Channel: Jimmy Kimmel Live

Views: 3,126,720

Keywords: jimmy, jimmy kimmel, jimmy kimmel live, late night, talk show, funny, comedic, comedy, clip, comedian, mean tweets, Monologue, Guillermo, Hollywood, Los Angeles, West Coast, STD, Donald Trump, Trump, Tucker Carlson, Nuclear Warming, Fox News, China, Mike Pence, Q and A, Ron DeSantis, Tim Scott, Exploratory Committee, Congressman, George Santos, Jewish, Metallica, James Hetfield, Lars Ulrich, Kirk Hammett, Robert Trujillo, Master of Puppets

Id: xhFs-BK7mN4

Length: 15min 11sec (911 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 13 2023