*Creepy music* This... is the Derpmeister- *laughs* This is the Derpmeister Mansion, one of the most haunted areas in the United States of America. In the Derpmeister Mansion, approximately a hundred years ago there was a young man by the name of Phillip. Phillip had a wide array of Zingoz, one of the Zingoz was named Facksy Derpmeister aka, Derpy. A few years later, unfortunately, Phillip died from Grayscale. Perhaps his spirit is haunting this mansion, even to this day. Some sources, who I will not cite at all, say that they've heard voices in this house. His spirit can still be felt inside his Zingoz, especially in Facksy Derpmeister, now titled the infamous Derpy, the derpy ghost. In this house we're going to explore, we will find out if these are all myths, or true. Join me... In... Paranormal.. Hunter Ghosts Okay, so lets get this out of the way, all right? I guess I gotta put up this statement. My lawyer told me to. *Benny Hill theme song* Ghost shows are not real. THEY'RE NOT REAL. AT ALL. Not like 'some of them are real, and some of them are fake,' or 'most of them are fake, but like there's two or three that are real,' All of them are FAKE. Wanna know something else? *Benny Hill theme song* GHOSTS. AREN'T. REAL. THEY'RE NOT REAL, OKAY? You've never seen a ghost in your life. No one has ever seen a ghost in their life. Ghosts are not real. No one has ever been possessed by a ghost, or a demon. Every movie based on a true story of a ghost or a demon is fake and exaggerated. Every ghost hunter and psychic medium is a con artist. *Benny Hill theme song* Anyone who ever said that they saw a ghost is a liar or a crazy person. It's all fake, and if you believe in ghosts, you need to get your head out of your a- *Benny Hill theme song* And once we watch this shit, you're going to realize how stupid these people look believing this dumb shit! There's no ghosts! Anywhere! Anywhere!! I've been to the most haunted areas of the United States, just to try it out. I've been to Gettysburg, I've been on the Queen Mary, I went, there wasn't a single thing! There wasn't shit! I went out there at night, there ain't shit! There's no ghosts! [Paid Medium] There is a guy, he's powerful, extremely controlling tons of fear. [Ralph] Our first show is Paranormal Home Inspectors. Oh man. [Narration] Claude and Evette moved into their home two years ago. Along with their son, Brandon, and daughter, Ashley. Just six months after moving into the home, tragedy struck. *BOOM* Ashley was found dead in a nearby motel room. [Paid Actor] What kind of activity was going on in the home? [Claude] When I came in from work, Evette always leaves the TV on in the dining room 'cause we have a big dog, and I came in through the door, I dropped my lunch pail and went to the washroom, and I come back out the TV in the living room was on, and the TV in the dining room was shut off. There was nobody there. [Ralph] Must be a ghost! Must be a ghost, my TV turns on and off, must be a ghost! Must be the ghost of my dead daughter, she's trying to communicate with me by turning my television on and off. Definitely, 100% a ghost. [Evette] Both of us heard two voices that seemed like women's voices but it was so quick. You notice how they're always so vague with these things too? [Claude] Laying in bed, and all of a sudden, picture over my head went flying across the room and knocked the lamp over on her side of the bed, which was across from where I slept. Flew quite a ways. Okay... No Say that you are dead and you're trying to communicate with me. Why would ever just like... "I'm going to move a painting" "I'm going to turn on and off the television" Why don't you try to talk to your living relatives? Is that the only thing you can do as a ghost is move furniture? It's retarded! *Benny Hill theme song* [Evette] That stuffed animal was on the bar downstairs in the rec room. *Dun* DUN! *Dun* Ya gotta love the stock sound effects. DUN! *DUN* It's just... Why-*DUN* [Paid Actor] We're going to do our best to find you guys some answers. Honestly, these people make me angry. "we're gonna do.." SHE'S NOT GOING TO FIND SHIT! They're going to search through your goddamn house and make up a bunch of bullshit: "Oh, your daughter is communicating to me. Ugh, she loves you guys, she misses you. "Uugh, and shes trying to tell you that by turning the television on and off, while you're trying to watch Breaking Bad." *DUN* So now they bring in this guy... and he might be the best thing to ever happen to any of these shows, because he exposes it, basically, for being bullshit. [Paid Technician] The homeowner came home, the TV was on, he passed by it, there was another TV in the room just adjacent and they kind of did a flip-flop or something. The remote that's being used for these TVs is a universal remote. It operates on the same frequency, and that could've easily turned one off and one on at the same time. He just didn't realize it. I'm satisfied that we've been able to resolve every issue in this house. [Paid Actor] So, what do you think? What are your thoughts? [Claude] I think he's partly right, but some of the things he's saying I disagree with. There's no disagreeing with it. [Ralph] He gives perfectly logical explanations to everything that happens. So after they bring in a perfectly reasonable guy, they bring in this crazy bitch. [Paid Medium] Are you talking to me? Who's talking to me here? My hearts really, really pounding right now. I'm getting an image of a cat. Black cat. Bad luck. You're going to take the word of this nut? Who comes in "I'm a psychic medium" Again, I gotta put up this dumb statement so that these con artists don't sue me. But they're con artists! [Narrator] As Madine heads downstairs, she begins to feel the presence of a second spirit, another female. [Paid Medium] It's starting to really shake down here. The daughter speaks to me, but not the other one. They are communicating. They're talking to each other. Can you tell us what they're saying? Oh, no, they're just "talking" *inelegant whimpering* Oh my god, so much pain *sniff* *A+ Crying* She's telling me you can do it, you can do it, stay. I don't wanna stay. Oh get me out of here! She's a lying nutjob, and these poor people are actually believing her bullshit because they're so hurt by the loss of their daughter. To them, proving that a ghost is real is like proving water is wet. Like, they just assume that it's automatically there, and they just need to bring in some nut to explain what that ghost is trying to say. [Guy] Yeah, I heard that [Female Actor] What the heck? The TV just came on! [Ralph] The TV came on, guys! IT'S A GHOST!
IT'S A GHOST!
IT'S A GHOST! So what did that prove? It proved nothing. But not only are they saying there's a ghost, the ghost of your dead daughter is here. [Evette] She was that type of person, she always wanted to help people, So she's carrying it on, I guess. *DUN dun* Okay, I feel bad for these people if this is a real thing because they're being manipulated. I mean sure, they're dumb cause they believe in this nonsense. But they're being manipulated by a bunch of liars and con artists so that they could on put on TV and made fools out of. But they also could be actors, in which case they're just as bad, if not worse, than these other hacks. [Paid Actor] There is, like, a strong smell in here! Whatever is in this house is just under our nose. They've solved nothing. They solved absolutely nothing that whole episode. They did not prove the daughter's ghost is really there. They did not prove any paranormal activity was going on there. They didn't communicate with the daughter at all, and the one who could, supposedly, pussied out and ran out of the house like a chickenshit bitch. and they did not solve the case. It was just a complete waste of time. They just completely wasted my time. [Female Narrator] Ghostly apparitions, suicide, and torture await the Most Haunted team in the United States of America. *disinterested* Oh no, not British people...
No offense... British reality shows are so boring. It's like the exact opposite of American reality shows. American reality shows are so overly edited, it's annoying. British reality shows have almost no editing. [Yvette] Hello, and welcome to Most Haunted: USA. Today's site stands on an Ancient American Indian burial ground, but so too does a more recent dark history. Ghostly lights, poltergeists, and strange apparitions. And that's why I've brought you to the infamous Whaley House. Can you imagine watching an hour of this shit? Yes, this show is an hour long! WITHOUT COMMERCIAL BREAKS IT'S AN HOUR LONG [Yvette] 4 year old Marianne Reynolds, who was the great granddaughter of Thomas Whaley, is thought to have eaten ant poison. She died soon afterwards. Many people have heard a child's cry in the dead of night, and many people have also experienced something holding their hand when they walk in this room. [Ciaran] ... has a florid past, both in terms of historical records but also a paranormal history and that means lots of eyewitness testimony, investigations, it's going to be a great place. Do you know who that is? [Paid Actor] You know, I feel, again, is it the name Thomas? It could be Thomas. You see the lady, there's no correlation around that, however, she is also I feel linked. But she's not... I don't feel invisitation, but he is. THIS IS EVIDENCE FOR A FUCKING GHOST EXISTING? [Yvette] Name with her? Or even just an initial? *talking over each other* [Yvette] 'cause you're getting so much intel
[Paid Actor] N. Initial N. [Y] Initial N
[PA] N *British cough* *placeholder for relatively boring information* *Awkward silence* *MORE EXPOSITION* [Paid Actor] I get the energy... of a little girl They use that term a lot: energy. I feel energy, there's energy here, there's an energy, I feel an energy. What does that mean? [Paid Actor] Did that take a lot of your energy to make that big bang? [Narrator] These energies would soon alter as we enter the master bedroom. You can't describe it? You can't monitor it at all, you can't tape it or take photos of it at all, but all you need to do is just say, "I feel energy" and everyone will be like, "hh he feels energy, there must be a ghost." [Paid Actor 2] There's more like a column of dark...
A column of dark energy. *mockingly* "There's a column of dark energy!" What the fuck does that even mean?!
"dark energy" What's the difference between energy and dark energy?? Dark energy, what is- it's black energy? Does it feel bad? Does it smell? [Narrator] Column of dark energy on the exact spot where Yankee Jim had been hung. *Ralph mimicking the narrator*
Dark energy where Yankee Jim had been hung! Hi, this is Ralph Sepe and welcome to Most Haunted. Today, we will be discovering if there's a ghost in the Wesley House by the name of Yankee Jim! [Paid Actor] He's a skeleton with cowboy boots on. This ghost gives them nothing. God bless this ghost; oh wait, ghosts aren't real, that's right. [Yvette] What was that? You are aware that sometimes noises just happen, right? There's things in the wall, sometimes the walls creak cause the house is settling, maybe there's a bird outside that knocks into a wall, and you automatically take that as there's a ghost somewhere! You sit there in complete silence for three hours and then all of a sudden you hear a noise, and you think, "oh it must be the ghost of Yankee Jim!" This is the most substantial evidence they have, by the way, is a Ouija Board. [Yvette] I can't get the door open. "We can't open the door, it must be the ghost of Yankee Jim!" "I'm an 80 year old British woman and I can't open a door, it must be a ghost!" "It can be the fact that I'm a wimpy little shite." "It must be a ghost, the ghost of Yankee Jim!!" [Claude] This was immediately attributed to a paranormal source. However, on that particular evening, it was a storm watch in San Diego, there was a lot of rain, and merely the increase in moisture in the air would've caused that door to expand and made it difficult for them to open. There we go. Perfectly logical explanation for that door being locked. As a parapsychologist, I'm very disappointing at the investigation and the lack of phenomena that occured. [Ralph] I love this guy, even this guy's like, "I know this is shit" This is it. This is where young Phillip lived before he died of Grayscale I believe his Zingoz collection is upstairs. Follow me. *smack* *Evil Laughter* This is... Sacksy Cacksy Jacksy Macksy Bl-Blacksy? Yacksy B-Backsy? Quacksy Tacksy Wacksy Jacksy (?) Sacksy No, Zacksy Umm, another one. Facksy! Once you see his head, he is very misshapen unlike the rest of the Zingoz which have a pretty normal, flat face. Derpy's voice-box is placed wrong so his voice-box pops out like that, making him look derpy which is why he got the nickname Derpy. And we believe, more so than any of these other stupid Zingoz, that Derpy is indeed possessed by the spirit of Phillip. [Ralph] The next show is Paranormal Cops The gimmick of this show is that these guys are not only paranormal investigators, but they're COPS! [Narrator] Whether it's a criminal investigation, or a paranormal investigation, gathering hard evidence is key in building a case and uncovering the truth. You know what? I already like this show. Hard evidence. I like that word. Hard evidence. Especially "HARD", I love that word. *Low pitched*
I love the word HARD. These guys aren't con artists like the rest of them. They are dedicated 100% to finding the truth, and if there's not hard evidence for every single little thing, then it's not true. They're like real cops! Basically. [Paid Actor] I feel like there's something evil here. [Ron] You do. [PA] Yes. So, since these guys are cops they're clearly going to see that this guy is completely full of shit. [PA] Something is going on in that bathroom. I don't know what's going on, but I feel like something's there, somebody's there. Something is going on in that bathroom. [Ron] I have Moriah here, she's a very nice woman. She's willing to communicate with you. [Ralph] Another. Psychic. Medium. Why do they bring these people in, as if they know something about anything?! [Moriah] I have a sense that he's standing directly behind us. So where's the hard evidence? Where's the hard evidence I was promised? We're halfway through this episode almost. *Device beeping* [Moriah] Ehh, it's directly to the left of my left hand. *Device continues beeping* *Device beeps faster* [Paid Actor] Come between me and her. [Ralph] Is that hard evidence? You know what hard evidence means? Hard evidence is if you killed somebody and they came to your house, and you were covered in the person's blood, and you had the same exact gun used to kill the person. That's hard evidence. That's like indisputable evidence that you did it. What's their hard evidence? A thing beeps. A thing beeps fast. [Paid Actor] All you need to do is walk next to it. It will measure your energy. [Ralph] What does that mean? Measure energy. You could measure the energy now?! What is it, like fucking calories?! You're going to say how many calories the ghost is?! [Moriah] It's just a very bizarre, heavy, weird energy. [Ron] The next thing that I'm about to show you is something that is very, very, very rare in paranormal investigation. You mean evidence? [Ron] We actually believe that we had some type of intelligent interaction. No... there's nothing intelligent about it. [Moriah] There is something coming forward now... *DUN* Does anybody know who Rosa belongs to? Rosario... Rosario. [Ron] Who's here? *Distorted*
WHERE IS THE HARD EVIDENCE!?? [Ron] Two orbs that are following the same path. Very subtle, and very fast. Okay, this is something I hear a lot about. *Distorted* "How do you explain those orbs, Ralph? How do you explain that, huh??" A) This is if it's real, okay? Like if you recorded something and you saw an orb fly by the screen. It's a camera trick. There was a particle of dust that was really close to the camera that happened to pass by. Or maybe a light reflection, or something happens with the lens. Things like that happen all the time. Now, if you see something like this, most likely you've never seen anything like that in your life in something you've recorded. But if you watch something like that on television and you see an orb go in circles or in a straight line, it's simple: They photo-shopped it in. It's fake. They did it afterward. I could do it right now, see, look. Okay, this one they're not even trying! Here, I'll explain this one real quick. They hire a bunch of actors to say a bunch of dumb shit. [Paid Actor] The voice sounds, to us, like "who's the boy?" *Really Low Quality* [Crazy Woman Laza] I could not believe that we actually caught something like that. *ambiance* [Ralph] Another psychic medium? Lets see what the psychic medium has to say [Paid Medium] One of the things that I saw was a portal in one of the bedrooms. OH, OF COURSE THERE'S A PORTAL! OF COURSE! They heard a bump. It's a ghost. 100%. This is just- It's aggravating. I've run out of things to say at this point because... What else is there to say? [Narrator] And later...
[Paid Actor] I see shadows running behind me [Male Paid Actor] Madame Tussauds in Hollywood. [Paid Actor w/ Hat] How often do we get to investigate a wax museum? [Bald PA] The activity here might be tied to an actor that was beaten to death by the name of Victor Kilian. [Ralph] Ladies and gentlemen... The first product placement I've ever seen in a ghost show! *chuckles* Madame Tussauds is gonna jump on this whole bandwagon of being haunted? This is an example of a ghost show that people actually take seriously, and it's the same shit! Bring in a fake psychic medium to say a bunch of nonsense, walk around in darkness.. Like, do ghosts only appear in the dark? Do you need to shut off all the lights in order for a ghost to appear? According to these crazy people, it's been done before! Why do you need to shut off all the lights and create this scary atmosphere in order to get ghosts to come out? [Male PA] Right now, K.J and I are, uhhh, exploring the claim that Betty Davis here, her eyes will shift and look at ya. We're trying to get her to acknowledge us, to move her eyes just a little bit. *Device beeps rapidly* *Ralph contemplates life* Although I criticized the British show for being incredibly boring... That's kind of what ghost hunting is. It's probably really boring, and most of the time you probably don't find anything. But it's odd, how these guys, in every single episode, twice an episode, manage to find paranormal activity all over the place. and not only is it just noises, they get sound recordings, they get apparitions, they get possessed, they have video footage of the ghost.. This is not so much a case as we've seen before of people exaggerating the truth. These guys have the budget to just flat out lie. [Paid Actor] The device I'm holding in my hand can detect your presence, your energy, so if you come closer to me, can we get this number to rise? This is just retarded. Y'know, even though this is fake, they do a really horrible job of making fake evidence. *SPOOPY NOISE* [PA] What was that? Again, with the fake fucking orb, or "ghost" moving in front of the camera. Honestly, a guy probably just put his hand in front of the light source and did this. [Narrator] These are our Ghost Adventures. [100 episodes of this have been made?!] [Main guy] We want to have you join us ~ On this investigation ~ We would like to invite you to the original home ~ Where this famous ~ Exorcism ~ Took place That is, the worst editing I've ever seen... In anything. We want to have you join us On this investigation We would like to invite you to the original home Where this famous excorsicm Took place Hi- Guys- I- am- A- Ghost- Hunter It's like watching a Phil DeFranco video. [Paid Actor 1] ... and try to understand or see if you are here and why. [PA1] Whoa whoa whoa...
[PA2] We gotta single frame this thing. [PA1] Dude, my hair is like electricity right now.
[Bill] Oh mine too... [PA1] Are you- Oh it's next to me, dude. Holy [Bleep] [PA3] What the hell's going on?! [PA1] I feel numb on my leg. [PA3] Look, he just dropped off the Kinect. You know your show is legit, when you're using the Xbox Kinect to find a ghost. Fucking thing doesn't even work with humans. [Narrator] This is the first time Bill has ever seen someone flash in and out of the Kinect camera. You should ask the ghost if he wants to play Star Wars Kinect with you. We've run out of dumb things to say! Because it's just the same dumb shit. All these shows are the same and I honestly don't know how it could get any worse. [Owner] Hey, Charles! [Charles Stiles, of Mystery Diners] Yes, Charles Stiles, Mystery Diners! *Distorted* OH NO...! NOT CHARLES STILES! ARGHHHHHHH
[Here we go again!] So yes, Charles Stiles and his Mystery Diners decided to hop on the bandwagon and make a paranormal episode of Mystery Diners. If you don't know what Mystery Diners is, click here. You're missing out! [Owner] Welcome to Taver na Mazi [Charles] This is Hollie she is our mystery diners [Hollie] Hi, nice to meet you. [Charles] Tell me a little bit about your resta- Who is this girl? [Ralph] Oh wow. Uh.. *Ralph's heart flutters in the wind to beautiful harps playing* Okay, okay, Destiny, you're still... You're still in my heart. Y'know. But Hollie... Wow. She is beautiful, oh my god look at her eyes! Wow! Hollie... @ralphsepe Seriously. She. Wow. She is beautiful. Oh my God, look at her body. She just has a beautiful like cute face, and then she has a.... WOW But enough with Hollie, I wanna see how many cameras they've set up in the restaurant. [Narrator] 3 cameras have been set up in the main dining room. 2 cameras have been set up in the bar. 2 cameras have been set up in the kitchen. *Distorted Camera Talk, Sped Up* [Owner] I feel like I just walked into the NSA at Mazi! It's... three fucking monitors! I remember one guy walked in, he's like, "wow! This is like NASA!" It's not NASA! It's three computer monitors, and a dumb microphone that's not plugged in! [Charles] Alright, Lisa, go on in. Ah, there he goes! Charles Stiles using that microphone. Charles Stiles, Mystery Diners! [Charles] I'm a bit of a skeptic, but last night, I had one of our audio technicians leave a recording device up in your attic in an attempt to capture an electronic voice phenomenon to see if anyone or anything entered that area last night. Let me show you what we found. [Paid Voice Actor] Go away... [Owner] What? [Charles] Here, let me turn it up for you, okay? *annoying MacBook raising volume noise* [Paid Voice Actor] Go away. You gotta respect Charles Stiles's commitment to being the stupidest show on television. It's almost as if the government made this show to gauge how stupid people are. That's not even, like, remotely close to being anything that anyone would consider real. I think Charles, deep down inside, knows how stupid this show is and is trying to push the envelope to get more ratings. [Owner] It's actually giving me the chills. [Charles] You know I'm not sure what that is, but haunted or not, this sting's one for the books. [Ralph as Charles] This sting is one for the books! Charles Stiles, Mystery Diners! Are they going to send in a drone? [Charles] John, ask Vivian if she always tells customers that the restaurant's haunted. What's with the extreme closeup? [Ralph as Charles] Ask Vivian if she tells customers that there's ghosts in the *murmur* restaurant. [Paid Medium] I'm a fifth-generation psychic medium. I've been sensing and feeling spirits since I was 4 years old. If this restaurant is haunted, I'll know it the second I enter. Even by Charles Stiles's standards, this is incredible. *Customers murmuring, presumably about ghosts or something* [Charles] Alright, Lisa, tell us what you're feeling. *Generic customer background noise* *Generic customer background noise*
*also, there's this annoying high-pitched tone* [Paid Medium] Charles, there is a gentleman actually right behind me who's been shot in the head. [how could you have *less* emotion than Charles Stiles?!] Do you think Charles fucks all his mystery diners, including the men? I don't know, I would. [Hollie] Tons of ghosts?! Hollie, please do a porno! Please! I'd buy 6 copies of it! [Charles] Hey Hollie, turn up the heat and ask Andy if he'll take you up and show you the attic! Turn up the heat, Hollie ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) *Girl screams* [Charles] Hey guys, whats up with camera six! I need it backup now! What the fuck was that?! *creepy music* So now, we're going to turn all the lights off, turn the camera to infrared, and night-vision and see just how possessed young Derpy here is. I also have a sound recorder that will record sound of the ghost. [Ralph Narrates] And now it's time to investigate. Anybody in the house? Derpy! Do you hear us? Derpy! Derpy! I definitely sense a strong amount of energy around him. Strong amount of energy. See, like the energy over here is much weaker, *low rumble* But as you go over here, the energy gets much stronger. Derpy, tell us if you feel pain. See, what the problem is that this light is on, and we can't have any lights on in here. No light. Derpy! Respond to me. Do you see that over there? You see that? It's a portal. IT'S A PORTAL. IT'S A PORTAL! IT'S A PORTAL! If we brighten up the footage and slow it down, you can clearly see that there's a portal at that wall. I tried to run toward it, and it disappears. (slowed down) IT'S A PORTAL. IT'S A PORTAL! IT'S A PORTAL! IT'S A PORTAL! IT'S A PORTAL!
*jumpscare* Derpy! Derpy moved! Derpy, can you feel us? I feel your energy. Here's the problem: It's not dark enough. Follow me. Okay. We're gonna listen to Derpy. Hear him out. Hear what he has to say, okay? Everyone sit down. Derpy. Derpy, you're one of the first ghosts to actually have a Twitter. You've had this Twitter for almost an entire year. I'm going to look through it with you, and see if you say anything. Okay, we're gonna turn the recorder off, and see if Derpy responds. Okay, apparently Derpy has a strong connection to Al-Qaeda. He has chronic clavicle problems. Oh my god. Oh my god, this is one of the most horrifying things I've ever seen. "I don't joe why my caption is?" Back from my lovely vacation in Kabul, Afghanistan. This is, this is truly horrifying, look at this. Oh my god. "My friend Shaq taught me Shaq fu at the local dojo." Derpy, do you know Shaquille O'Neal? Derpy, answer. Have you possessed Shaquille O Neal? [Derpy] This is a load of tarter sauce. This is the first time Derpy has actually communicated with us. This is truly unbelievable, I've never had a conversation with a ghost on this level, and I've only done this for one episode. [Derpy] This is a load of tarter sauce. Okay, apparently he's harassing people on Twitter, too. "You like my duck? His name is Duncan." This woman said, "You have problems," and then he recomends she buys a Shaq pillow, and then he says, "Make me a taco, make me a burrito," and now she's blocked him. Derpy, what do you have to say for yourself? [Derpy] Are you Shaq? It sounded like he said "Shaquille O'Neal." [Derpy] "Are you Shaq?" No, Derpy, I am not Shaquille O'Neal. [Cameraman] The camera shut off. What do you mean the camera shut off? [Cameraman] Shut off. [Ralph] Oh no. *whispering*
