“I love that word, 'relationship.'
Covers all manner of sins, doesn't it?” Love Actually has a reputation
as a feel-good classic -- a holiday season staple that’s
as hilarious as it is heartwarming. "Now here's one for the lovers." The 2003 film boasts
a star-studded international cast, acting in a loosely connected
collection of vignettes about how love is all around us,
in its many different and wondrous forms. "Seems to me that love is everywhere." But if we look closer,
we can see that many of its ideas about love are, well,
kind of messed up, even by romantic-comedy standards. “I’m on shag highway, heading west!” From infidelity to objectification
to borderline stalking, Love Actually’s version of love --
actually? It’s pretty unhealthy, and not exactly something
anyone should emulate. Here are some of the film’s
most Toxic Takeaways, and what we can -- and shouldn’t --
learn from them. “Yes, thank you, we're very happy.” If you're new here,
be sure to subscribe and click the bell to get notified
about all our new videos. Toxic Takeaway #1:
Limerence Is The Same As Love "She’s the coolest girl in school
and everyone worships her because she’s heaven." Romantic comedies are often in love
with the idea of The One -- the perfect, predestined soulmate
who will make our lives complete. But most romantic comedies
aren’t about love. They’re about limerence,
a state of infatuation or obsession with somebody that you’d like
to have a relationship with. "Invite him out for a drink
and then after about twenty minutes, casually drop into the conversation
the fact that you’d like to marry him and have lots of sex
and babies. "You know that?"
"Yes." Limerence can develop
into genuine love, but it’s defined largely
by those affections being unrequited, which often leads to
unhealthy fixations that are only intensified
by their being unreciprocated. "And she's not my girl.
And she's going back to America. That's the end of my life
as I know it." Love Actually offers us
several examples of limerence, and they all stem from male characters
who idealize their dream girl to the point of her being
a total fantasy -- and occasionally,
regardless of her own wishes. “You've stayed rather close,
haven't you?” As Holly Williams wrote
for The Independent, the film “treats women like pawns
in a male fantasy." One of the most famous and obvious
examples is Mark’s pursuit of Juliet, the wife of his best friend, Peter. Mark loves Juliet from afar,
intentionally keeping her at a distance,
to the point where she’s convinced Mark doesn’t even like her. "But you never talk to me.
You don’t like me." Juliet remains an object
of idealized limerence to Mark, who reveals his fixation
through the creepily obsessive footage he films at her wedding -- "They’re all of me." -- a video that literally
cuts out everything but his own narrow view of her. "Don't show it around too much.
Needs a bit of editing." Meanwhile, Mark’s sole conversations
with Juliet are cold and distant, until, at last,
he shows up at her house uninvited to confess his love -- “Oh, hi.” -- again, without ever
actually talking to her. Even the actor who played Mark,
Andrew Lincoln, has said he questioned this behavior
with Love Actually director Richard Curtis,
telling Vanity Fair, “I kept saying to Richard,
‘Are you sure I’m not going to come off as a creepy stalker?’” "It's a self-preservation thing,
you see." And he’s far from
the only one to suggest it. In a study on media portrayals
of “persistent pursuit,” psychologist Dr. Julia Lippman
found that romantic movies where these kinds of behaviors
are portrayed as part of a regular courtship could lead to
“an increase in stalking-supportive beliefs.” "I watched him play with his son
at the beach." "Did you talk to him?"
"Couldn't do it." And while Juliet and Mark
don’t end up together, we still see Mark being rewarded
for his persistence. Mark’s inability to move past
his limerence, even after Juliet is happily married,
is troubling in itself. But it’s even more disturbing
how Love Actually normalizes his obsessive behavior --
even turning it into an iconic romantic gesture. We see an even more egregious example
of limerence, not love, in the story of Colin Firth’s Jamie,
who becomes infatuated with his Portuguese housekeeper,
Aurelia. “Er, je suis, er, très heureux
de vous avoir ici.” “Unfortunately, she cannot speak French,
just like you.” Since they don’t speak
the same language, Aurelia is little more than
a blank canvas for Jamie to project his fantasies onto:
He’s unable to understand Aurelia or get to know her
in any meaningful way beyond a superficial attraction. The film does portray their growing
feelings for each other as mutual. "It’s my favorite time of day,
driving you." Yet it’s an unlikely,
if not impossible romance based solely in longing looks --
they fall in love with versions of each other
that they’ve largely invented. Sam’s crush on his classmate Joanna
can at least be excused by his age. "Aren't you a bit young
to be in love?" Many psychologists have noted
the connection between limerence and the absence of love
from our primary caregivers in childhood. And in Sam’s case,
this would be understandable, seeing as he’s just lost his mom --
who, in a blatantly Freudian twist, is also named Joanna. "And her name's Joanna?"
"Yeah, I know. Same as Mum." Sam idealizes Joanna,
to the point where he creates a fantasy version of himself
just to get her attention. "Girls love musicians, don’t they?"
"Uh-huh." "And I thought maybe
if I was in the band and played absolutely superbly,
there's a chance that she might actually fall in love with me." And Sam knows little about Joanna
except that she’s a singer -- and he admits that she barely knows him. Yet he still claims
she’s “the one.” "There isn't just one person
for each of us." "There was for you.
And there is for me. She’s the one." In Love Actually,
it’s never too early to develop unhealthy ideas
about romance. Of course, the film doesn’t just
put women on a pedestal. It also turns them into lust objects. This is most evident in
its story about Colin, whose failure to woo women does not
prompt some intense self-examination of his many faults. "I’ve just worked out why
I can’t find true love." "Why’s that?”
"English girls. They’re stuck up, you see.
And I’m primarily attracted to girls who are, you know,
cooler, game for a laugh." Rather, it inspires Colin
to head to Wisconsin, to find girls who might be attracted
to his accent. "Any bar, anywhere in America,
contains ten girls more beautiful and more likely to have sex with me
than the whole of the United Kingdom." Incredibly, Love Actually rewards
his fantasy as well: Almost immediately,
Colin meets several women, who appear to be down for exactly that. "Wait til Carol-Anne gets here.
She’s crazy about English guys." It’s a storyline that borders
on pornography -- and one that says a lot about how
Love Actually views women itself. "Hello, you must be Tony.
I heard you were gorgeous." Toxic Takeaway #2:
Falling For Your Boss Is Romantic "Any chance of a dance with the boss?" Love Actually suggests that not only
will we eventually meet The One, there’s a pretty good chance
it’ll be at the office. The film gives us several
workplace romances -- many of them between employer
and employee, and quite a few of them involving older
men lusting after a younger woman. "Watch out that he keeps
his hands off you. 20 years ago,
you'd have been just his type." [laughs] They’re love stories that,
as any HR department will tell you, are professionally inappropriate. And in a MeToo age, especially,
they feel even more like workplace sexual harassment. The romance between Jamie and Aurelia
isn’t just between a man and his fantasy.
It’s one between a boss and employee -- and again,
one who’s considerably younger. "She's ten years too young
to remember there was a footballer called Eusebio." Beyond their age difference,
Aurelia is in a uniquely vulnerable position:
Not only can she not communicate with Jamie, she’s literally there
to serve him, leaving him with
complete control over her. The married Harry likewise
lusts after his own employee, Mia. “You're looking very pretty tonight.” “It’s for you.
It’s all for you.” Mia is new to the office,
and Harry is her direct supervisor, meaning their affair
could have dramatic consequences for both of them. "How you doing, Mia?
You settling in fine? Learning who to avoid?" Yet the film suggests that this
is largely a problem for Harry: It sets up Mia as a femme fatale, "Full of dark corners,
for doing dark deeds." whose sexy outfits and flirtations
pose a threatening temptation. "I’ll just be hanging around
under the mistletoe, hoping to be kissed." She’s made out to be
a seductive villain, who leads the decent man astray. "When it comes to me,
you can have everything." This imbalance is perhaps most evident
in the story of the Prime Minister, David, who actually fires
his staff member Natalie, solely because he’s attracted to her --
and after deciding that his own lust is too much of a distraction. "I'm sure she's a lovely girl,
but I wonder if you could, erm ... redistribute her?" David is contrasted against the more
obviously lecherous American president, "My goodness, that's a pretty
little son of a bitch right there. Did you see those pipes?" so we’re meant to see David
as charming -- and his implicit defense of Natalie
as chivalrous. "A relationship based on
the President taking what he wants and casually ignoring all those things
that really matter to, erm, Britain." Yet he doesn’t actually address
the President’s harassment directly -- and in fact, he ends up punishing her. Natalie even feels compelled
to apologize. "I'm so sorry about that day.
I mean, I came into the room, and he slinked towards me
and there was a fire and he's the President of
the United States and nothing happened, I promise." There is obvious romantic tension
between the two. “I’m actually yours.
With love, your Natalie.” Still, there’s no question
that the power dynamic between Natalie and David is irrevocably skewed,
and he’s willing to abuse it whenever it suits him. "That is so inconvenient." Toxic Takeaway #3:
Repress You True Feelings The characters in Love, Actually
are connected through bloodlines and friendships,
jobs and pure circumstance. "Does Natalie live here?"
"No, she lives next door." But the thing that most unites them is
their complete inability to communicate. Again, Jamie and Aurelia have
a clear language barrier -- but at least Jamie tries
learning Portuguese. Of course, this doesn’t make
his reasoning for loving her any clearer -- or more articulate. Still, however misguided,
at least Jamie is open with Aurelia. There’s an even more insurmountable
lack of communication between the couples who can
understand each other. Sam spends his time pining after Joanna
and even learning the drums, rather than just telling her
how he feels. “Tell her that you love her!”
“No way.” And it goes without saying
that Mark, Juliet, and Peter might have all been better off
if Mark had just been honest about his affections sooner,
rather than playing mind games with Juliet,
or letting his cue cards do the talking. This emotional repression
isn’t limited to the film’s romances. Mark, after all,
isn’t exactly open with his friend Peter. "I know you’re Peter’s best friend,
and I know you’ve never particularly warmed to me.
But I just wanted to say, I hope that can change." Likewise, the friendship between
aging pop-star Billy Mack and his longtime manager Joe
is marked by Billy’s open disrespect -- even contempt. "I’ll be stuck in some dingy flat
with me manager Joe, ugliest man in the world." When Billy eventually does find himself
able to confess what Joe means to him, he masks it behind more
churlish aggression. "I’ve gone and spent most of my life
with a chubby employee. It might be that the people I love is,
in fact, you." And he immediately covers up
his emotions with more macho posturing. "Let's get pissed and watch porn." In Love Actually,
even Daniel grieving his wife is frowned upon. "Get a grip. People hate sissies.
No one’s ever gonna shag you if you cry all the time." Maybe some of this can be chalked up
to these characters being British -- the English are not exactly known
for being open with their emotions, after all. But they all have a troubling aversion
to vulnerability, even with the characters they supposedly
want to share their lives with. Sarah can admit she wants marriage
and babies with Karl, but she can’t even be open with him
about her own life. Just as the two are on the verge
of acting on their attraction, they’re interrupted by a call
from her mentally ill brother -- a situation that Sarah downplays
to Karl, seemingly for fear
of spoiling the fantasy. "No, it's fine. It's fine.
I mean, it's not really fine, it is what it is,
and sort of there being no parents now and us being over here,
it's my job to keep an eye on him. I mean, not my job, obviously,
I'm glad to do it." Her reluctance to tell him the truth
suggests she doesn’t really trust him -- and Karl’s reaction suggests
he’s not really interested in talking about it, anyway. “Don’t answer?” Meanwhile, Harry’s dalliance
with Mia can be chalked up to his inability to communicate directly
not only with her, but with his wife. "Explain to me again
why you're so late?" "Oh, for heaven's sake, woman.
Can't a man have any secrets?" Their marriage seems to have reached
a rather cold impasse -- and it’s clear that
they’ve grown distant. "My expectations are not that high
after 13 years of Mr. Oh-But-You-Always-Love-Scarves." Yet rather than talk
about their problems, they hide them behind a mask
of passive-aggressive digs and deflections. “Mia’s very pretty.”
“Is she?” “You know she is, darling.
Be careful there.” Even after Karen discovers
Harry’s betrayal with Mia, she intentionally hides her pain. Right up to the end,
they can’t seem to be direct with each other. "Would you stay?
Knowing life would always be a little bit worse?" And we’re left to wonder
what each of them is really feeling -- and suspect that neither
will ever really know as well. "How are you?"
"I’m fine. I’m fine." Toxic Takeaway #4:
Love Is About Grand Romantic Gestures "It’s okay, we’ll go to the airport!
I know a shortcut!" Instead of just talking to each other,
most of the couples in the film communicate through
the romantic comedy staple of the "grand romantic gesture." "But you know the thing about romance
is people only get together right at the very end." These showy public declarations
are the logical culmination of a film that mistakes
limerence for love, disregards communication and respect,
and always puts the men in control. Thus we have spectacles
like Jamie flying to Portugal, gathering a crowd,
then bringing them with him to Aurelia’s job to propose. Or David tracking down Natalie,
knocking on random doors until he finds her,
then sharing a first kiss that’s literally on stage. The film suggests that,
regardless of the actual relationship you may have with someone,
you can will love into being by simply declaring it loudly
and ostentatiously enough. "You’ve seen the films, kiddo.
It ain’t over til it’s over." These moments certainly seem romantic,
but they’re missing the one thing that makes true love possible,
and that the film is largely lacking: intimacy. Love Actually’s romances take place
in front of audiences, in crowded airports,
or from behind the protective veil of cue cards. Love may be everywhere,
like the film says, but it only truly develops
between two people, away from everyone and everything else
-- nurtured and earned in a way that no big,
romantic gesture could ever replace. Despite all these toxic takeaways,
there are some true love stories in Love Actually. For all their friction,
Billy Mack and Joe do share a genuine bond. "It’s been an honor.
I feel very proud." Perhaps its most touching relationship
is the one that develops between Daniel and Sam,
as stepfather and stepson. And if you accept the 2017
charity special Red Nose Actually as canon, Jamie and Aurelia,
David and Natalie, and Sam and Joanna are all still very much in love --
and Mark has moved on to another fantasy object. As screenwriter Emma Freud suggested
on Twitter, even Harry and Karen
have probably stayed together, if only by further quashing
their feelings. Ultimately, Love Actually
is a film that’s all about the sentiments and sensations of love,
rather than the truths -- and of course, that doesn’t detract
from how it makes us feel inside, or how it makes us laugh. "There was more than one lobster
present at the birth of Jesus?" "Duh." Like any other holiday treat,
there’s nothing wrong with indulging in it --
so long as we recognize that Love Actually is only about love,
superficially. "If you look for it,
I’ve got a sneaky feeling you’ll find that love actually is all around." Hi everyone, I'm Susannah.
I'm Debra. And we're the creators of The Take. Please subscribe and tell us
what you want to our take on next.
