Nikki Glaser | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #339

i got tickets going on sale right now and uh they're at theovonne.com tour and that st louis cincinnati charlotte durham chattanooga knoxville wilmington wilkes-barre and some other places charleston richmond albany buffalo columbus and minneapolis today's guest is returning to the podcast she's a very entertaining comedian she has a new tour that she's embarking out on she's also the host of the upcoming mtv movie and tv awards ladies and gentlemen nikki glazer i'll sit and tell you my stories [Applause] yeah it's good over there it's just like something like sometimes you have to [Music] tell me what it's like i like your shoes you do thank you i get a lot of compliments on these they are not real snake skin but you shouldn't even wear fake stuff i'm vegan because if you make it look good then people are like i want that you know if you make fake look good then you're hurting the animals no i don't i that's i think that's pretty that seems crazy but do you think vegan can you eat snake or not no no you can't eat people always forget that vegan is like everything like i eat honey if something honey's in something i'll go okay fine but a lot of vegans like won't eat honey because it like it exploits bees no way i but bees want us to have it because also when you think about all the stuff that bees do to us and all the what if he's done to us we're getting revenge all the child do you know how many of summers of mine were ruined because bees no they weren't they were they were ruined because of your perception of bees as being like people are so scared of bees their sting doesn't hurt that bad you might if you're allergic yes i understand but like we all we were so annoyed with bees we killed them all and now our like our whole planet is collapsing because there's no bees oh dang but what were your run-ins with bees as a kid let's get your top three bee incidents well the big one was always your child at summer camp they always had bees there for some reason you know and so we go there to this place called uh bogafilaya park and it was just like all the kids would come and it was like a bunch of this ratchet kids and like we'd all have our lunch box and like our our our kool-aid would like spill over on our sandwiches and it was so gross it was like ymca summer camp you know yeah and some kids would leave during the day and just wander off into the woods and disappear and like it was just but i remember at certain areas they just had so many bees they're like like i want to say tens of thousands of these yeah and uh but you guys were events canceled because of bees oh i would say adventure i would say i would say kickball games ended early i would say lunches ended early one kid uh a b went up his nose and um and that was horrible and they had to get this before that i think they had the epipens or whatever oh so this kid was allergic too yeah or i don't know if he's allergic but he was one of those kids who their skin was real clear looking you know yeah yep like one of those kind of premature baby kind of thing yeah that trans kid or lucent kid i don't know what they do i think they're called loosens yeah one of those loose dude so they got yeah yeah but some kids were never the same i feel like after that after a strong bee came through oh people were people are so scared of bees and i thought it was just a way that girls initially i was never really scared of bees i was just like okay if they sing you it kind of hurts but i think being scared of bugs is kind of like a thing girls do to like get attention and like be like not just necessarily from boys but just they're not being seen enough in their families so they're just like if i scream really loud about this thing that's around a lot then i'll get attention and it's my thing i'm like girls that are like i hate moist like that's a hack one but people looking for the word moist right you know when girls are like oh my god don't say it and you're just like you need an identity beyond like these things that you think are unique but we all kind of are on board with yeah a lot of people say those types of things i mean but we're all searching for an identity i mean your haircut is like a part of like that haircut i remember when you first brought out i thought it was for a role or something and now it's you and it's like and it's such a look that you've inspired people to adopt it it's now like a hot guy haircut but when you first debuted it it wasn't really theo i remember you walking backstage at some s i think we were at some one of amy's tapings or something and you came backstage and i sound handsome i laughed at your haircut i thought it was a joke i thought you were trying to joke us really yeah i did i'm being honest with you but i thought but i also was like it looks good you know like the type of way like a like on halloween people look still look good yeah then you kept your halloween costume on and i was like yeah and then and now it's still here and that was probably six years ago how long has it been five years ago well i had long hair too when i was a kid and i just liked i i never felt i never knew i was supposed to have long hair as an adult until i had you know you weren't supposed to i never knew that i was supposed to oh oh you mean like you found your truth like this is who you are yeah yeah i just never felt i just like feel more like a man i feel more like a courageous man i feel like more like somebody that would run into a fire to help somebody yeah or not run all the way in i would run close to the fire and you know people be like oh he's gonna stop i'd run up the stairs on the porch okay because fire is so hot people like in movies they make it look like it's not that hot dude fire is so hot it's so what's the worst you've been burned like have you gotten like what degree let me think probably bad burns oh yeah dude i went whale or not whale watching but looking for something once and uh and i got sunburned so bad dude go from whale watching to looking for your keys like we were looking for the lord honey we were looking for the lord you got sun burnt real bad yeah i think we were doing drugs or something and they ended up ending up out in the sun for way too long you know and my friend kept dozing off we ended up at this elton john concert and he was on opioids and he literally kept dozing off dude and one time we thought he was dead but we were so much that we kept la like nobody would check to see if he was dead it was kind of like uh not like freeze tag but some like weird game you know it was like a kids game you know and um so you thought he was dead some of you were scared by it but mostly it was just like like that's hilarious everybody was just laughing it was just one of those days you're like oh you know sean's but i guess yeah i think things like that bees sunshine things like that i guess you're terrified of the sun a lot of it's dangerous i don't go in son i've been i've known that aging as a woman is a bad thing so i haven't been going in the sun since i was in high school i used to always sunbathe and i used to cover my face and decolletage with a towel when i was like 15 like oh wow just to be like i don't want to be wrinkly when i'm older i even knew at a young age when you're supposed to think you're young forever like plan ahead and the truth is it's like you can't really stop it it's just gonna happen it's hard i i think yeah i think i'm starting to realize even just growing up that it's hard to get it's hard to get older it's a little tough you know it's like it's kind of uh it's just so it's it makes me i often realize how much time i probably wasted whereas like time used to be this thing it'd be like sure have some of my time you know yeah like i've got as much time you know who wants some of my time you know you used to have so much times like you're running around this big bag of time and then now it's like ugh you know i don't have a second to spare you know and it's like time it's just right i mean like you watch on any of those things about the tech companies that are trying to create things that take our time like our time is the only thing we can't get back yeah so it's like they really just want our our attention and like what what you give attention to but i feel like getting older and realizing oh the things i've wasted my time on have not really that kind of being like god i wasted so much time doesn't help me not waste time now because i'm not i'm just finding new ways to waste it but you know what i do now like when i find like what's something you wasted your time on that you can think about in the past that you have masturbation probably listen i also i don't think that's a waste of time it's [ __ ] awesome what it's awesome but you get the hang of it and then it's kind of like it feels good you wanted to feel good yeah you needed it like i feel like uh any time but it's like am i still doing it you know it's like when you do it again you're like uh where do you want to be right now doing too much masturbating didn't get you to where you want to be like you are where you you know like no regrets feel like everything i don't think i'm where i am because i've been masturbating i think it's i think i could have probably done other stuff and probably done it well when you think how many trades you could have learned okay so what trade do you want to know that you would take some of your masturbation time like because oh landscaping something outdoors you know painting now is the time for that when your libido falls back then you weren't going to go landscaping if you wanted to jerk off if i didn't have if i didn't have a libido i think i would have done a lot of stuff i wouldn't someday lose it probably you know and then that's when you get into like but not these days no no no no no these days you get the fake the men now they get the you get a fake uh you know they have all these enhancers and everything they have all of this it's like yeah they're gonna ha you're basically just gonna have like 80 year old zombies wandering around but it doesn't it gets your dick hard but it doesn't get your like heart hard so like guys not heart are like your brain hard you know so guys will take it to [ __ ] their wives if their wives if they want to make them do it but they're not they're not propelled by sex with women so therefore you're not having to like feed this addiction which is like the porn like jerking off is really just like a porn addiction and just like uh feel good i don't want to feel my feelings feel is the easiest way yeah that's just one choice but when you don't have a libido later on you're just going to put that obsession into like woodworking or whatever or you know canoeing or um it would have just been nice to have pictures of myself like in a canoe or with like a nice statue i'd done or something when i was younger you know you you didn't do any you have no accomplishments when you're young you weren't like an eagle scout or something you seem like you i didn't know how to like whittle or do a whistle okay do you if we had to do like a talent show and it couldn't be stand up and it couldn't be podcasting or interviewing go back to high school talent let's let's do let's do a talent like right now theo like if you if we were in a talent show with a bunch of comedians and none of us could do comedy what would yours be that you have the best shot of actually being considered like oh my god he's good at that like what do you have any secrets no nick might know even better than me i'm still stuck on you one accomplishment you emancipated yourself when you're 14. i got emancipated when i was a child so probably legal separation from family yeah i don't know how you're going to perform that at this talent show but i think i could do it if we had like a small black box theater yeah again it's a performance but yes you're right i um that is incredible so maybe i guess something like that like yeah like i could probably do some ilian gonzalez type ship like you you know like something like that i could probably do some ilion gonzalez reenactment wait a second just let me get this straight you emancipated yourself from your parents when you were held 14. that's [ __ ] badass got out there yeah what can i just ask why yeah i just didn't like it there it just wasn't the best fit for me did you know that it wasn't even a possibility to do that oh i don't know i don't really remember i honestly don't remember what happened i remember we met yeah i remember we just you know do you have siblings that's how it came down to it yeah i got a couple siblings are you older younger we're all we're all in the it's all a couple years apart wait what what one i'm number two out of four at four so you did you they get out did they follow suit too nope they all everybody some people stayed in some people got out it was basically almost like that uh who's that guy that had that church out in ut in uh texas or whatever yes yes it was like warren jeff but it was just my mom oh [ __ ] man well uh and i love you mom happy belated mother's day she knows that but yeah we just have a relationship with her now i'm sorry yeah we got a relationship but it's just really yeah it's like was your dad around no he was not around got it but i think it was just kind of like you know when you i think when you're like i don't know it was more like like just i think we were more like roommates and family kind of in a weird way well the fact that you were 14 and were able to do that i mean is incredible because i think that so often i mean i even have a hard time being like doing saying tough things to family because they're family or doing something selfishly because your family like just accepting that just because they're your family doesn't mean you have to put up with whatever they throw at you right but then also sometimes i feel like i was i just like a weak kid who was just afraid to take the [ __ ] bruh so funny to frame it that way because in no way would anyone hear about a kid taking the initiative to maybe you were stupid maybe you were like mom dad don't get her like a kid could do that right to get yeah that was amazing i didn't have a skateboard so that wasn't me to make that happen and to actually legally do that that's someone who realized i'm smarter than this and i know i need to get out and i need to protect myself it's very i mean that's very independent at a very young age yeah i think that's what it was just independent yeah and that's like that's what did you do where did you go what was your first time i went to stay with friends yeah i went to stay with friends and then i would take my backpack to school and i would find friends to stay with you know so it was like kind of like this i think it was very avant-garde i don't know what that means were you friends with everyone in high school avant-garde is kind of like well it's not the right use of it but it gets the word it gets the feel across so you were just fly by the sea your pants kind of like you were homeless i wasn't homeless i was staying with friends and then i finally found a friend who could let me stay full-time so then i went and stayed over there how long stayed there for a couple years and we gotta go to college yeah and we got into some mild drug issues over there and so then we went our separate ways huh were you in heights did you graduate high school yeah so you emancipated and stayed in like this wasn't like i'm gonna go be an adult now no no no i was just yeah i just didn't i think it just wasn't like the best vibe at my house you know yeah did you um what was your vibe growing up my vibe was like were you like a cheer i could see you being like a cheerleader definitely like a kind of uh maybe do you really see that huh do you really see that is that sad that i see that i also see you as more than that but no i would love to be seen as that but that is not how really your arms i feel like are so straight thank you i could be well that's just not the right one to do but like yes like rah rah rah yes i would be good thank you that's when i was on dancing with the stars i met my partner and he didn't know that i wasn't a good dancer like i got i lost the show i was voted off first but when i walked in he you could see he didn't know who i was we were meeting for the first time and you could see him be like oh my god yes like she looks like she can dance like ballerina kind of oh yeah and then we did like a quick like he wasn't even teaching me something he's like okay let's let's just we did a quick thing and i saw him age like seven like his face dropped so severely of like he knew he knew our fate because i just don't have like a natural talent so i would never try it out for cheerleaders because i wasn't like sex cheerleaders are sexy i wasn't like ever trying to be sexy aren't they those some cheerleaders were cute well there's like a perception of like anyone i didn't like to dance i didn't like to i didn't want to do anything sexual i'm now realizing this as i say it that's why i was i didn't have a rhythm already okay but also it was mainly about like short skirts and being like like having your belly out and like being like boys like me like i didn't like boys and i loved boys but i was just so scared of them and so i would never do anything to like draw attention to myself in that way and what were you scared of that they were going to be rapers or that they were going to be like i was going to be bad at making out or that i was or like whatever we were doing that i would be batted and they would tell their friends and make fun of me biggest fear because it happens all the time because i would hear stories of it constantly every day from my guy friends so i saw it happening around me well i feel like being a girl i couldn't imagine him being a girl when i was young that would be yeah that would suck so many i just didn't want the the [ __ ] that came with hooking up with guys yeah maybe if i one girl i remember she blew my crush oh my god i love this guy so much and she gave him a [ __ ] and she threw up because he gagged her with it it was it's a normal thing to happen and sometimes can be kind of hot yeah some people have small windpipes yeah she was like high school girl giving deep getting deep throated by a guy who just got oh my god you know like we had aol at that like he was getting images that probably inspired that and then she threw up and then the story is like what an idiot she is you know and that's the whole story and i even perpetuated that like did you know that she threw up on his dick because it was just like to me girls sucking penises it was just like a betrayal of to me as a woman like i was just like i can't believe whoever did it first ended everybody else's childhood so those people need to be called out in every town oh whether it's ronnie and melissa or whether it's scotty and jyn or whoever whoever got the first blow job and received the first blow job in your grave i'm not kidding you theo i ruined everybody else's child i cried when my best friend since fourth grade gave a [ __ ] because i thought i go i've i've lost her like we don't yeah we'll never you i just want to eat nerds with you and go to the sweet factory and get a bunch of candy and then go in the photo booth those days are over go to the gap and like dress up in funny outfits i don't want you sucking a penis like what happened so those days are over now she's wearing short shorts and she's hanging out she's at the gas station she's like giving hand jobs and now all my friends are eclipsing me like they're all make making out even the girl that i go oh my god she's never she's going to be the when we went to high school we predicted who's going to be the first to sex boyfriend all the stuff is over thinking about that yeah we were like oh my god who's going to be the first with a boyfriend who's gonna be the first to uh get her period uh lose her virginity all these things and all the super they all went to me everyone thought i was like poised for all of this and i left high school a virgin who had never had a boyfriend um and who had never blown anyone oh and who had only made out when a guy like had to be kind of like not tricked into it but they had to be on spring break when no one else knew and then um even though he was the most popular boy in school and he they just couldn't he it just happened i went to spring break my junior year and i wasn't not i wasn't not attractive but this this this spring break i really blossomed it was a good one for me but i go down to florida and meet my girlfriends what part of florida uh fort myers oh yeah shady 0-1 called it boy because it was sb01 and we're we're cruising down the strip we're in a we're getting guys cars that are just like cruising we're like can we go to town and it's like you're my butterfly sugar baby we're just like whoa like spring break but we're dorks like we we've never a couple of us have kissed boys did y'all have any tattoos or did somebody just get one oh no we weren't 18. we were like 16. like we bare we didn't drink we were we weren't that cool but we were just like thought we were badass but so we're flirting with boys going around town meeting guys nothing's really popping off then my one of my friends has kind like she's on the water polo team because she's kind of like likes to do boys stuff you know and so she's friends with some of the cool guys and so she has like a maybe association with them and then but we are on the beach in fort myers and who rolls up on the beach the tone look of my high school oh i thought it was a musician no it was it was cisco he was shooting his video no way i'm going yeah no it was the most popular boys in my in my grade who would never even consider they rolled up on y'all because they were striking out they weren't [ __ ] down in fort myers they were killing it in kirkwood in the halls of kirkwood high school but here no one gave us they were just some dorky like you know midwest boys so they ran out of options because it was the best girl i'm telling anyone listening plan a spring break where the hot girls group of girls is going and the guys aren't going because they will know you the familiarity will make them invite you over and then you'll get to kiss two of the guy that was my first kiss was like two of the most popular guys in school and then they went back and they wouldn't tell anyone and i had mono oh yeah there's always that chick who had mono dude all the time we had a girl who had mano for like seven years we're like somebody just take her life can we just sacrifice her please at some sort like something else god wants her back yeah that was yeah the kissing disease and you got like really tired and it was um but yeah i was just i was such a prude in um high school and we had a fellow he'd always get hiccups around gay people too all the time that guy's gay no he would just get him it was like he just if people was gay he would get hiccups and then could you scare him out of it by no you had to drink water do or have sugar or something you know do one of the treats what do you do to get rid of hiccups because there there's a way that works the best yeah what do you do i just know they're going to go away now because i'm an adult and i don't really worry about it as much so when you get them you just stop thinking about them then they go away yeah pretty much or i'll hold my breath for about five or six seconds you just hold your breath it's real easy but when you're younger it's like it just you know i there's probably people who have taken their life that thought they couldn't get rid of their hiccups and just yeah i mean why isn't there a cure that we all just go this is it like where's the race for the kids where's you when yeah yeah that's that should be our cause that we all settle on yeah you just hold your breath until we go away i remember so when i was young they had this kid in our school named patrick right and he got a little bj from this girl right back to bj's yeah and so everybody's fired up people are cheering him on people are drawn on their notebook like yes yes yes you know people are excited so he got one and everyone's excited he got wonder what he's excited okay well what happened was then his uh the girl's parents found out so her parents had to go over to his parents house her parents called his parents what and they all had to go over and talk about it i would love to follow up with you today and hear their side of this that is excruciating so here was the crazy part uh so he let me be on the phone he kept the phone off the hook you know you keep it off and he just kept it in the living room yeah so you heard what happened what happened oh it was the most awkward conversation ever um did they talk explicitly there was like blame yes there was like hey you know we think it's your fault it's like nobody's fault it's like oh my god when did when was your first [ __ ] i think it was probably the same girl actually a couple of weeks after that honestly honestly really if i had to be real honest with you yeah but i got real scared i was at a party i think i was probably 15. so after the emancipation i was at a party yeah things went uphill you know i was at a party and uh some girl was uh it was my girlfriend actually at that time i think or she or she i was who i don't know if we were a girlfriend or an honor but yeah um oh and it was like behind a tree but it was like the parents were at the party and then the this was your first yeah the mom came around the tree yeah yo yeah and i got so scared you know that's a crazy story why would you just be remembering this you got caught getting your first job and i was like we're just looking for something you know i just didn't know what to say what would you say you know and then i felt so bad for me i felt bad for her the jig is up like weird we're caught we're busted i'm not gonna use a racial slur dude i'm just saying that yeah i'm just saying that i mean i don't know if it is rob but i'm not even taking him it's weird saying it but i also don't feel like i would even be able to conjure what race that is so i feel like i'm in the clear yeah you know what i mean oh you're totally i don't want to dip you out of like talking about race but no i think we're going to be alright no i think gypsy is not a thing you should say dipping someone out of something very not good my brother used to work with some gypsies and um spirit animal oh yeah you know when girls go oh my god you're my spirit animal i'm which that's i get that compliment a lot yeah it's like i know that humans are animals but it's supposed to be an animal right you know like but also native americans because that's like a native american thing and we're just going like oh my god like that little koala is my spirit like baby teacup poodles are my spirit animal and these are native americans are like that was like founded on the fact that like the like a great sp like we believed in that spirit like we actually thought that our tribe leader was do you think or red bear or whatever yeah but they thought that we could think that man everybody could think making it like cute and like fun but that's because if some girl does that and she's pulling on her hair and stuff like that and she's never had a job say it but then that girl needs to get a job i think she can still say you don't want a girl to be like my spirit animal is actually that's what i want i want somebody more if you had to us let's not say spirit animal but what animal do you look at and you go oh yeah duh okay but why it's just because man you know have you always liked rats are great i would want to get one as a pet but they die very soon well i had to share room one night with two um not rats it's like the limousine of rats uh ferret oh and i had to share a room one night with two of those no wait has he said that before i haven't heard it oh i'll tell you this story dude said limousine of rat before that is so [ __ ] funny why you know ferrets urinate on each other's backs that's you you are true you are my you know that yeah i'm just gonna say essay i'm not gonna say you are so funny and i can't let limousine the limousine of rats a ferret go if that's the funniest thing we've said on this episode then we are not doing well what are you kidding me you're you're you're doing great i think you look great i know i think that is the funniest thing and i am f i'm fine saying that's the funniest thing i've ever been a part of ever that's so funny dude remember epilepsy remember how big that was i remember remember epilepsy was big think about the things that were big when you were young evanescence yeah wake me up inside can't wake everything she was like save me but everything was like i just work at cpk california pizza kitchen and she would just be like howling over them and every girl that worked at cpk could wake relate up you get off work you're just smoking in your car oh my god yes i would smoke cigarettes all the way home from cck after memorizing them there was nothing better than smoking a cigarette on your way home from work work whoa that's a good one now it's finally after work no i you think i i really enjoy it i love but it's not the same like i love smoking a cigarette and like listening to it like a great song and just feeling cool because cigarettes do make you feel cool vaping doesn't look as cool it does just because like younger people do it so i guess younger people are cool and you're like oh i guess that's cool but cigarettes i i i hate them and they destroy lives and i haven't smoked one i only had one in 12 years or something and i put on a dime and it's very easy to quit but i do think they're they look cool cigarettes and they're fun oh yeah they're a real thing now people are sucking like this electronic thing it just has a different vibe but dude there was nothing better i remember i get out of work light that match up i want to have this fake cigarette and shoot this like we're like mad men and just be cursing everybody i worked with as i laughed just said like nothing mattered i was like where were you working that you were leaving i was bus boy i did mostly bus buying uh throughout the south mostly throughout the southeast region okay uh you don't want to give any chains uh just like i worked at a place called bj's pizza house and they went out of business they got there was a uh there was some i think fraud and also the land the owner or somebody got cancer i think maybe his girlfriend got cancer but also they had a fight they had a marriage dispute um what else uh well my first [ __ ] was okay damn well here we go it i know that everyone's all you do is talk about sex but really well i did have a good time trying to talk to women about work and they just want to tell you i don't want to hear about the first [ __ ] i wanted you to say like a funny place you worked i didn't hear to hear like the whole backstory of your sorry no i was intrigued even though i literally don't remember one detail from it but um did you work in an ice cream place now that i could see what bess can rob no okay first of all i was not a cheerleader dude i would have bought a thousand scoops i would have let you scoop it with your hands yeah that's so nice i really appreciate that like i remember taste some of it off your back that's what i would have said you know sorry that's out of line i'm sorry so nice i want to thank you i like um when people uh allude to wanting to have sex with me i think it's like very nice when it's done in a way that you're just like when they're just like jokingly saying it like that means a lot hearing that from you because i obviously that's like the struggle of my life i think is like wanting to be [ __ ] and also wanting to be funny and fun and be in and then people being like god she's trying too hard to look [ __ ] it's just like i can't i dr i i didn't discover that i was [ __ ] until very late in life and i also am not married so who gives a [ __ ] and whatever but what i was gonna say about that is like also i i even hate being like my first blood job because people are gonna write in comments like all she does is talk about sex she's just trying to shoe horn a sex story but this i actually think it's interesting but what i was gonna say what did you say you i worked at an ice cream store and i worked it up a pizza place and i worked at a nail sal or um my first job was at like a hair salon as like the receptionist and i did this job and my no well yes but i like was taking appointments and we used to write them and i cried so much on the job one day my tears splashed down and like totally ruined a whole appointment and like you couldn't read any of it and my boss had to comfort me and i i just left and never came back and she was calling my house trying to pay me and i was just like i can't be seen there again like i was just i would tempt you here in l.a when i was struggling i was nannying most the time because it's just like they trust you if you're like a woman who smiles yeah like they don't think you'll like hurt their kids it's all about the jpeg when it comes to nanny and i feel like i mean it's all about like the pit the picture you know when you see those all pair websites yeah oh yeah and like you want someone who has like you know references and stuff but i i was babysitting like with a service that would just dispatch you and it's so easy and uh i babysat for judd apatow oh really a bit that was really cool and just like gave me like a peak yeah it was like 25 bucks an hour all working better rich but i was doing like i was temping did you ever temp did you ever do uh girl what's that thing sugar girls or whatever what's that sugar baby sugar baby yeah yo i don't know who you think i am sorry i don't i cannot have sex with someone i like like let alone i don't know very weird about sex i know i'm fascinated by your stuff with it as well because i feel like i look at sugar babies or like only girls and like thoughts and girls that are just like porn stars i like love them all and i don't um know like i but i'm still weird about putting that kind of stuff out there yeah oh i remember first yeah when i even got that first [ __ ] i even remembered asking my buddy to go with me because i was nervous you know yeah i mean i guess guys are nervous too i mean i would assume you guys are more driven but girls are like i've got to get this out of the way i just i didn't give a bloat until i was a junior in college and all my friends i was like they were all having sex relationships i was just like i haven't even had sex i gotta blow someone so i was just like who was it it was a comedian that that's the interesting part is i can't say who it was but it was a it was see i i was such a person was he tall or short medium hmm i bet i know it is i'll tell you i'll tell you who it is off air but i can't say it on air i don't want to know off air really yeah okay well good i'll tell you whatever you want to know because i would trust you but i but i respect that you don't care um yeah i don't like knowing some of that kind of stuff you know i agree i am actually i like more mystery well i like to be able to imagine you blowing a couple of different people that i have like i mean my roster isn't crazy of people you know but like but that's the thing everyone's gonna be like she's such a [ __ ] i literally i don't think you're a [ __ ] you're also an adult it's not like you're a child who's [ __ ] who's like sneaking into people's houses and [ __ ] you are a regular adult and you can have sex i know but if i were having a lot of sex i would talk about it it seems like i do because i talk about sex a lot but i don't like i haven't had sex in two years and like what yeah oh we're gonna get right into that here's a woman right here that has a question she's obviously she's not doing well either what's up oh she australian we can't hear her she's so cute what you can't even hear her and you know you think she's australian what makes you think that i just get an aussie vibe from her i can only do one um that's your girl kevi over here in uh raf lakenheath england that's royal air force base oh yeah i've been there my question for nikki is how and i'm sure you'll probably get five variations of the same question but it's about coming up as a female comic um so what i've always noticed is a lot of female comics will start out like their first like big hit gig is like a lot of sexual based humor um and then as the you know their gigs continue it's like a play off of the same gig and what what pressures do you feel i guess it's like a female comic of like if your humor is not sexual based like do people think you're not funny anymore or like what is that trend about i'm curious obviously not a comic but it's something i've noticed you know with female comics and it doesn't seem like there's a lot of them but when there are always always sexual based yeah just curious does it feel like that as a future thank you thank you that's a great question gang gang and i appreciate your service over there too i actually did a show at raf lake and heath one time it's a great backhanded question so what she was referencing is what a lot of people say is like all they talk about is sex and it's true because i mean there's this documentary called hysterical about female comics and it's the last thing i'm sure a lot of people want to watch and i'm in it and i did not expect this to be so [ __ ] good and moving like i learned i watched it and cried at my own story like i don't cry and i was like i saw myself as like oh my god you're such a scared little girl who doesn't understand her worth and then i watched all these female comics that i'm friends with in this documentary it's so well done theo you will actually really like it and um it's one of i love documentaries it's really well done and i would not i'm in a lot of [ __ ] is it a real documentary that's on we can see it somewhere now well i'm uh yeah it's called hysterical and it's uh fx okay and on hulu but honestly this is not i if i wasn't in it i'd be promoting it if everyone had told to watch it who you would think would be like not into that they [ __ ] people have overheard me listening to it but anyway i watched all my friends on there being like what drove them to stand up judy gold rachel feinstein uh sherry shepherd margaret show uh who else bonnie mcfarlane marina franklin fortune theme sir it's lazy at least yeah yeah she's in it i love her but we all and then the girl that stood up to um harvey weinstein harvey once was at a [ __ ] open mic that or the show this girl was doing and she called him out it was so brave it's it's [ __ ] good but my point is female comics talk about sex at least it's presented in that documentary because we were like silenced about our bodies and like controlled about for so long that when you talk you want to talk about like what you've been told you can't talk about but for me when it comes to sex i i've done fallon like stand up on fallon four or five times at this point i can do clean material i don't have to talk about sex i don't talk about sex in any of that that's and i've done i've done tons of like squeaky things and people go all she she's filthy the thing is i talk about sex because i like it i'm not trying to talk about sex with you today because i am like trying to be like sexual or because i don't really i don't think i'm funny about anything else it's interesting and no one's talking about it people still think oh everything's been talked about it's like no it hasn't i'm still encountering things that i'm like i need someone to process this with me and for me that is saying it on stage and having people laugh and go or have girls go oh my god that happens to me too i needed to hear that and like empowering girls i just really want to do with stand up talk about sex because i want men to know how we're feeling and i want to understand how men are feeling so i want to express what i think men are feeling and hear if that's right or not right and like and be and make people feel better about it because i'm just the reason i talk about sex is because i'm so [ __ ] scared of sex and like so also want it but also don't want it and it's like the most interesting thing well yeah i mean sex is an interesting thing it's really like a it's like i mean it's how we get here also it's like you don't even exist if somebody doesn't have sex you know so that's what yeah the fact that it has so much magic in it i would be a sex therapist if i wasn't a comedian if i didn't have like talent and wanted to perform i would still work in the sex field do you think that women don't get broad enough with their topics though no i think talk about whatever the [ __ ] you want you know like i anything i do now that's what we're talking about like hobbies and stuff and feeling you waste time when i do something now that feels like if i masturbate now let's say or do something that i'm like i'm trying to think of another or get a massage like i'm getting a foot massage after this one really i maybe should work on some stuff i have do yeah but it's like those things is not a waste like i want it or smoking weed when i probably shouldn't being like instead of being like you're smoking weed this is so bad i'm just like listen i have a life where i choose what i get to what to do and so if i'm doing it i must want to do it it must be serving me in some way so just cut the guilt right and just enjoy it so that i have that approach now with sex stuff like i i will talk about whatever fascinates me but sex still fascinates me until it doesn't when my libido drops when i'm doing stand-up when i'm 60 i probably won't be talking about [ __ ] right well we can always check then you know um yeah i think it's tough sometimes i don't like talking about it because it just seems kind of vulgar to me sometimes yeah that's like so i like thinking about it sometimes you know but i don't like really i guess sometimes i don't like talking about it but i'm also like the vulgarity that makes you go but then that makes you feel shame about right you're right it breeds shame you're right like i'm i'm getting into talking about molestation on stage now like i want to do like a [ __ ] molestation chunk i have not been molested so as someone who hasn't been molested oh you gotta get out there i gotta get well i'm going to therapy to find it because i feel like i have i'm so fascinated by molestation and what it does to people and and how much it's happening that we don't know about and how much it affects so many of my friends that have opened up to me so many people were molested everyone is jesus why don't we just admit that everybody's molesting everyone it wasn't your fault there's nothing you did if you enjoyed it it wasn't your fault if you went along with it it wasn't your fault you were a kid you forgive yourself it doesn't mean you're gay even if you enjoyed it and you were with a man and now you're in a relationship forgive yourself talk to someone about it i don't understand what that's like do you ever wish that you were molested you feel like i i have a joke about it like being like it would explain so much if i was able to go oh it's that because my uncle and that one time and my mom ignored it but i wasn't i was i mean i was assaulted for my first kiss but in the scheme of things it was very very minor and but it scarred me to be scared of men and feel like they could just jump on me and i can't get them off of me and then they'll hate me today's episode is brought to you by liquid death mountain water murder your thirst is there something interfering with your happiness in your life do you sometimes think about a smiley face and then you you can't even finish drawing it because you just are not happy well better help will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist better help now you think man i can't get help i can't get help man nobody wants to help me that's crazy buddy you can start communicating in under 48 hours with a therapist that's right from right now it's not a crisis line it's not self-help it's professional counseling done securely online so if you you know you don't want to go to your town therapist or you don't want to go maybe your wife is the therapist in your town and you don't want to go because she's going to know that you got a problem with her so that's scary better help want you to start living a happier life today i've used better health i support what they do you can go to betterhelp.com theo that's b e t t e r h e l dot com slash t-h-e-o and join the over one million people who have taken advantage of their mental health with the help of an experienced professional this podcast is sponsored by better help and this past weekend listeners get 10 percent off their first month at betterhelp.com theo francais for most of us learning a second language is hard something you don't want to do you don't even want to meet anybody that has a different language in them you know some you meet somebody and they got a little you know they got a little hugo in them or a little uh they're speaking a little bit of nova scotian you can't handle it well babel is the number one selling language learning app it's an addictively fun and easy way to learn a new language whether you're planning on traveling abroad or just want to connect deeper with family or former family even step family babel teaches bite-sized language lessons that you'll actually use in the real world 15-minute lessons make it a perfect way to learn a new language on the go babble you can choose from 14 different languages including spanish french italian and german right now when you purchase a three month babel subscription you get an additional three months for free that's six months for the price of three just go to babbel.com and use promo code t-h-e-o that's b-a-b-b-e-l-dot-com code theo for an extra three months free babble language for life what do you think about what was the thing i was looking at the other day um are you dating are you dating men now are you me being able to meet men here's a guy that has a question right here this guy right here is in his car what up theo gang gang who's the player nicki so i've been with my girl for about four years now and i love her to death um however i feel like the sex has gotten a little predictable in terms of like i know what's gonna happen how long it's gonna take who's gonna go where kind of things like that and i was wondering what i can do to maybe spice things up um without without really having to ask her what she wants me to do to spice things up like i kind of want to surprise her i want to be like oh i want this this is new and i like it so what is some advice what are some some tricks i can do to spice to spice things up in my girls always trying to be a sex guy he's not excited to answer this he's trying to be a real sex man what you got for him all right so some things that i don't think are for every woman but that a lot of men don't know are most women and you can kind of test these out and like i'm not an expert in any way and i've never thought about answering this but i'm just going to share some things that i i like yeah that i think other women would like okay and it's um being uh definitely a light choking can't ever hurt somewhat like start very like this if she likes that then she can tell you to go harder but doing that out of the blue and just even a light one still feels a little bit like what just putting that you can't go wrong and if even if she's like no no no that's fine you didn't do anything you just put you like you tried a little something that's fine no harm no foul um her up tie us up we like it this is gonna get girl everybody i know in a way no no don't just do this without like just yeah and make sure it's indoors also you and you can start all of this by saying if at any point you don't want to do any of this i will stop starting with that cat's cradle thing you know what i'm saying don't do like don't go vote not yeah yeah go like easy just you can get stuff on um like all these websites have like easy straps to put under the bed that you can hide before you're even [ __ ] on the bed when you get on the bed go just like take her arm kind of go hold on a second and then she'll be like wait what and then put one hand in the thing yeah then if she's into it like what are you doing do the other one then do the then do the legs then if she's wearing a pair of underwear that are easier easily replaceable like uh put on us put a sleep mask on her blind folder this is the next thing these are all consenting obviously for consent then there's like a writer's room try to get her underwear off but you can't because their legs are down there and then take a scissors and [ __ ] cut them off all right and just be like i don't even respect your underwear that is hot but make sure they're not a pair like hanky-panky that are like 18 bucks a pop make sure these are some like you know like just one even actually if they were my good pair i would even respect it more i'd be like this [ __ ] guy doesn't give a [ __ ] about my nice you're gonna and then he would like pay me for them later or whatever that's hot and then here's the other thing get her venmo this guy can do with his girlfriend in four years he knows her well enough to be able to try all of this don't do this on like a first date but then i would say treat her see if she likes to be uh [ __ ] see if you maybe you can like see whatever you want to know i want to know what he's into whatever he's into she's gonna like she girls just want their girls just want to feel like a guy's like and y'all take a bath first too though i think that's important yeah get her in the bath set it up so or take your own baths i think this ever cleanliness is always good but he's asking how to spice it up i feel like he's not saying that he said it got monotonous not like musty yeah that's not his problem is the back but yeah we'll start who's not taking a bath to i like a good shower no matter what yeah if i'm having sex or watching tv once you get a relationship then you go babe this is at your own swim at your own risk because you i'm telling you right now it's not good like morning breath sometimes you're like it's bad and they don't care that's kind of hot too but here's here's a good one good girl okay this is when you push her to do things that might be a little too hoarse beyond her comfort zone and like she's like if a girl is sucking your dick and you grab her hair a little aggressively and you say good girl sorry i'm not trying to turn anyone on it's really it really is good girls love hearing good girl and then the final one is uh tell us we can't come try to make us come and then say don't you [ __ ] don't you dare come like david blaine kind of thing don't do it and be like and and be like if you come i'm gonna be really upset with you like just you don't need to be like i'm gonna punch you but like or like i'm gonna you're not getting you're gonna get the whip for you maybe or something yeah it or so i'm just gonna be really disappointed in you and she's gonna be like what's the [ __ ] go but i'm gonna try to make you come but you're not allowed to come and like try to if you have that power dynamic and then when you tell her to come i swear to god it will be really really good and no guys know that one and that one is a that one's real good that one's a lifesaver yeah and to answer wait what were you asking before just to spice it up no he had a question for me before i think he may just get a card or something i yeah you're right he's talking about sex and these are simple things these aren't even like uh bring lube into blow jobs lube makes things so like sexy and wet and like pornographic that you like girls stop just trying to exist on your own wetness like just bring in lube yeah and then bri and then i literally got outside toys okay that guy needs hold on this guy's just who even knows but i'm giving a grab bag for your listeners because so many people are in stagnant sex relationships bringing a toy into bed is so hot because i will tell you don't be threatened by it because when a guy brings a toy in i go like i was telling my friend the other one i was hooking up and this guy was like that's all i know yeah bring bring your legos when this guy was going down on me and it was just not what i wanted it wasn't gonna work out you know but he was doing other thing he was doing hand stuff that i was like now that's good but the other stuff is just a distraction and i can't get there and then i was like can i just use my vibrator and he was like sure and it was such a much better orgasm that i could have done alone with a vibrator so i did need him and it was much better than i could have done alone with him without like because we weren't i was not having sex with him so i was like but you know what i'm saying men shouldn't be threatened by toys are you threatened by them if a girl is like i don't think i am i'm i just know if you are i don't know i don't know i don't know jesus christ i have no idea anymore uh what i'm trying to say is uh i think i think it's like what theo huh what oh dang i uh i'm just saying that yeah the guy's having a good the guy's having a tough time and now you'll be able to help him out i think that that's good i think the guy can now have sex with his wife i think you're making my advice seem like too much but i think it was [ __ ] spot on and i think your listeners are a lot of men need it they're gonna need a lot of men needed a lot of girls need this this is for the ladies too like we gotta stop pretending like we all know what we're doing we don't and we gotta i get afraid to talk about stuff that i like that's one of my things you know i'll get afraid to talk about it i'll get afraid to bring stuff up okay so what is something you can you admit something that you like here that maybe women wouldn't know that men like that are is one of these things that i'm kind of sharing with you that you're like oh i didn't even know to think to do that is there something in bed that a girl's done it before and you're like that's a good one um i just like kind of like sneaky stuff like if i i like more of like a uh i don't like somebody who's all like fast and like it feels like they're trying to like brazilian jiu jitsu me i like more some of them like a little bit more of a uh making love no i don't need like uh you want a counting crow's song playing in the background like that no but i don't mind things sometimes a little bit more like sometimes you get somebody in there it's just like they're so just like just like yes you got to be on the same energy level like sometimes it is like but some like yeah too fast is like i learned about [ __ ] which i didn't know from my guy friends is that a lot of girls start at like a 10. yeah you start sucking a dick and you're like i'm giving it my all and it's like start at a two don't give them what you got go to a four keep it at four go back down to two seven through ten seven save seven through ten for the future just save it for the end like i always went in really aggressive like my first [ __ ] was terrible my second third foot like i was so bad for so long and i probably am not that good but what really is good i think about a [ __ ] is you just have to enjoy it so now i'm just like i try to just go like what do i want to do because if the guy thinks i'm having fun he's going to think that he's like he's going to whatever man what if a man if you're giving a oral and it's too fast if a man tells you that is that better too fast too fast too fast yes that's it oh my god that's what that's good a girl will look at you like she doesn't want to go slower like she's in a hurry no no well if someone can't understand that it feels better if you go slower and they're offended by that that's not someone you should be with okay and if you're scared to communicate and i've been like that theo i've i had a a guy once going down on me and i was just like that's not that's not and i was just like if you do this like right here i like had the solution you know i was like oh my god you know it's like a massage you're like up an inch or whatever and i was like oh my god and he just goes i got it like he kind of like like i was trying to figure out the directions people don't want to yeah sometimes they want to just figure it out navigation like i got it you know like i was like it's my [ __ ] i actually got it like i know how to operate this thing but then part of this some of that all takes away the magic i get it but no it's just like no it won't because he starts doing something to the spot i just pointed out that i can't do myself and that i don't even know if he's gonna be able to but let's just see and then i come a lot like that will be magical girls don't care if it's like you know what he made me come but the coolest thing is he found it without me telling like girls don't talk like that just we're fine if you just do what we tell you to do and do it well it's like awesome yeah you're right so ask and tell girls because girls need to learn i feel like i didn't learn how to do stuff until i was in relationships where it was like we could actually have some real conversations about what is good and what's bad and it's like why make it a guessing game if you know what you like a lot of times is i didn't start masturbating till so long that i didn't and i didn't hook up with anyone for so long that when every all these magazines are saying like communicate with your man what do you like i was like i'm 32 and i don't know what i like i don't even know what to tell a guy like what do you want me to do on there i'm like just like i used to want a guy to just rub his face in it so he hit something like i don't know the spot but now i know a better idea think about the uh different quarantine purchases you made maybe you bought a bunch of uh fresh squid ink bath bombs or maybe you bought a uh a lean to or something or a native american home well one of your biggest purchases of the year usually is insurance and america's americans overspend on car and home insurance by billions each year yep billions that's where the zebra can help you the zebra it's the nation's leading insurance comparison site for car and home insurance in minutes you can compare policies from every major provider for free all in one marketplace after a few quick questions the zebra pairs people with the right insurance company for them make insurance your smartest purchase yet visit the zebra.com theo you can support this past weekend by visiting the zebra.com slash t-h-e-o wouldn't it be great if there was a a little manuel or a phantom that helped you be better helped you focus and sleep and act well there is and if you have 10 minutes headspace can change your life headspace it's a daily dose of mindfulness in the form of guided meditations in an easy to use app it is one of the only meditation apps advancing the field of mindfulness and meditation through clinically validated research i've used headspace i enjoy it i enjoy meditation i enjoy creating space inside of me between me and the way that i behave headspace is backed by 25 published studies on its benefits six hundred thousand five star reviews and over sixty million downloads you deserve to feel happier and headspace is meditation made simple go to headspace dot com slash theo and support the podcast that's headspace.com t-h-e-o for a free one-month trial with access to headspace's full library of meditations for every situation headspace.com theo well this guy's beautiful honestly oh my god i'm gonna say that wow what up nikki hi here by the pool i'm a 22 year old guy you know on the hunt for that uh that kitty i'm always looking for different ways to approach a girl at a bar so nikki the question's for you what is the sexiest ways a man can approach a woman at a bar gang gang gang brother there you go i mean that energy like watch your video before you approach a woman at a bar and mimic whatever it was that you were putting in out in that because that's a sexy guy and like the way i was just mesmerized by that it's just like very like hey i know who i am hey and that you know that guy i used to work here i've never been hit on it like in public but some things that i would like to hear is like i'm sorry you're uh really stunning and seem great and uh oh it's not like something i would say it sounds like be honest how about honesty like you're the hottest girl in this bar and i know that's a line but like if it's true [ __ ] we want to know what about like this hey you seem like uh hey i just honestly i had to come over and say hey to you love it i love it and she'll be like hi and then you can just say um i don't even i didn't even have a plan for this but what i like one thing that i like that my friend used to do was uh he would give his email to a girl like he'd see a girl park and like on a bench and be like here uh i think you're really cute i'd love to take you out here's my email so let me know if you want to go out and it's email so it's not as threatening and if i don't hear from you i'll convince myself you lost that but i hope i do and then he didn't give me his number so it's like kind of like okay i need to like prove this guy worthy of getting his number so he kind of negs you in a way with just the email right and then he also makes it so like either way he's gonna be fine you're like well then that was hot and confident and just what that was confidence just exude that and don't wear a shirt and and lose one of those necklaces a lot of places you can't even get into without a shirt though that's true that's true um okay just a little deep v just kidding do never dv never oh no no no no no yeah i don't have any of those anymore um after this conversation i don't uh what else is going on so how are you meeting are you meeting people now if you're not dating um i i thought you were dating your opener you guys don't date andrew yeah andrew cullen andrew cullen is my roommate he's my best friend he's my opener he was my i met him as my dog walker he's a hilarious comedian we have a podcast together hold on we have a podcast together called the nikki glazer podcast it's monday through thursday it's like a day it's like a morning radio show every day so i would love if people would subscribe to that he's [ __ ] hilarious i thought you guys knew each other i thought you were good friends um like because he's met before he loves you i love you we share your very funny man and we just we just think the world of you but it's it's uh so i was like you got to come with me to oh that's sweet so he's in another room but um no we have never that we don't have that it's like we're uh like best friends and it's just platonic and people are like how could that be and i don't know it's just like i think it can be boundaries yeah and it's great i live i live in st louis with him i convinced him to move from new york to st louis because i didn't want to go back to new york or la because i could get a [ __ ] amazing place in st louis it's by my parents i was there for the whole pandemic and i was starting a podcast and i knew i needed a co-host and i was like i also want i'm lonely i want a roommate i don't have a boyfriend that's awesome i don't have my friends all are married so andrew will you move here we got a [ __ ] penthouse like apartment in st louis for [ __ ] cheap we're living the life we're doing our podcast at home we wake up and we just meet he's got a a girlfriend i'm trying to like date guys my ex-boyfriend's back in town where are you meeting these men though and i love hearing i um i recently fell in love uh for like the in a deep deep way for the first time in my life and i'm like oh my god yeah it's crazy and it's already over but it was awesome and i met that person in person like on a on a job and it was just like uh it was it only lasted like three weeks yeah wow in three weeks so it was like mad love like it was like this fast furious kind of thing yeah it was a special thing but it was also like people can't believe how i'm not like and it only ended four weeks ago oh my god and i am and i thought i was i told this person i wanted to be with them forever like or not that i wanted to but like you're one of many men i could probably see myself you all share a bed at night sometimes yeah oh my god yeah but i didn't have sex with them because i don't have sex with people until they're my uh tell me they're my like boyfriend you know like not boyfriend but like just they're committed to me and like want to be with me and so we didn't never it didn't end up being that because we wanted different things but i um but it was so nice to fall in love and like theo i don't know that have you ever been in love it's scary yeah i've been in love man when i was young no man like hot like love where you're like i'm ready to like be with this person forever where you're like i'm right like i think i might like like them no matter what kind of love like what do you mean like no matter what like there's a fire or anything like i've been in love before with guys and felt like i was i was like literally probably in love with dave matthews in high school like the feelings i felt for him were so intense that they really yeah until he opened his bust like the urinal of their bus up over that bridge remember that really kinky [ __ ] and it hit all those people on that bridge i love when he's scatting oh wait no that's the joke yeah i think he was opening up for jim norton jim norton yeah that was that was a bad moment in the um dave matthews they picked you know how they do the river green for st patrick's day in chicago he was celebrating um another holiday that associated i couldn't think of one i didn't even want to try do you know what i'm saying it's just like i don't know um that would have been a fun joke to make uh do you think sometimes that but as we get older our brains get a little less acute for making jokes if you started to notice that no there was the jokes were there i just couldn't make them because it seemed like it might be racist or something oh like if they painted it green for sure it's brown for what's a [ __ ] holiday i don't know i just go to like brown what's like the most crazy thing to say about the color brown as my joke brain and then i go like racial jokes and then i can't make any of those so i just go ah i'll just stare at the own set and laugh and but you're right i feel like as i get older yeah we're getting slowly like more stupid sometimes i wonder if my brain gets a little less acute sometimes you're you're busting out limousine of rats you're just fine like you i watch your [ __ ] sometimes and i go it's showing you to someone i'm showing you to the person i was in love with actually and i was like he is the funniest and i he just goes it's like his brain works it's like i go it's just he's just so you're well known as someone who is just like justin nick and i were actually talking about you it wasn't just like but we were talking about you the other night and just saying like how like you're you're so that your talent is so unique and like you've always been that way but it's just like it's just so cool to see you just like really refine it and i i just love watching you and you're so funny but i don't think you're you will get more demented this you're peaking but it's downhill from here because you know like well gary shandling did you watch that thing the judd apatow uh documentary the three-parter it's so good but you see this guy that is a genius kind of start to lose his mind what happened to him you know he was starting to get paranoid about things like who knows what it was i forget what happened i think his health was deteriorating and so his brain as a result of those things i forget that it could have been a specific thing that was leading to this but he's you know there's a scene of him on conan later on in his life before his death where he's just not sharp and it's like talking you feel like you're watching your uncle being interviewed like that has good jokes but like the timing's off and it's like this it's sad to see and i know it goes like if i smoke too much pot my my my jokes don't get worse but my memory for what the [ __ ] i'm talking about gets worse so it gets more like disjointed so that's i i i definitely feel deteriorating from just like not sleeping from do you feel that way oh i think sometimes yeah i just did a cat i just went through a ketamine therapy too i just did academic therapy for like two weeks yeah oh my god oh wait when did you breathe a little i felt a little slow even in this conversation i felt a little theo i wish i would have known that wait what can you just quickly tell me what led you to do that and what it was yeah what led me to do it i met this lady and she had done it and so i'm asking like why do you need ketamine therapy oh because i was having so much pain i was literally having so much physical pain from stress that i was like i have to try something different so i just wanted to try something new you know um and so ketamine for strength for physical pain because it they know it's mental well because i feel like it's definitely psychosomatic pain like it it comes literally from stress from like things from thoughts and like stressful moments that it happens you read the back pain book sarno it's all about that like i will read it sometime but but i'm just saying i probably won't read it no you won't but let me just say it's a book that has healed so many my back pain included you read it and you learn that i don't have any back pain but but you know whatever you were trying to treat the fact that you were able to acknowledge like this is stress and i need to treat the stress not the physical element people are doing back surgeries and it's all because it's their subconscious mind is like rerouting pain that they don't want to feel up here to the weakest parts of their skeleton so your bulging disc is not supposed to hurt as bad as it does it is there but you don't need surgery on it you need to just acknowledge that it's stress you don't even need to fix the stress you just acknowledge that it is and it will it will go away but then you slowly treat it but ketamine therapy is your pain gone now well a couple things happen i mean i feel like it has been going away i also quit caffeine about two and a half weeks ago okay theo trying both those things right i am totally obsessed with uh caffeine addiction because i am addicted to it and i know you asked about my zevias if they were caffeine so i i did note that early on caffeine addiction is from my uh i tried to quit caffeine for 20 minutes and was like felt like i had covered because of the symptoms of like in the morning like the depression just malaise with lethargy i think it's lethargy but lethargy too if you want to say it that way um which is wrong but it's fine um but you did you experience that did you experience like how did you do it i have been tired i think i think i've been tired from not some of the caffeine but also i feel i definitely feel like some of the the the acute pain from the stress going away so that feels pretty good and then the ketamine thing some of it was cool like some of it got a little scary i was kind of glad when it was over i was like how does it go it's just like you go they hook you up to an iv you're in there with a therapist and so you just start talking about stuff and then you like your brain kind of goes through like these warp zones and stuff and you literally i mean it got way i mean i remember at one point i thought it was a cryptocurrency like it you get you go pretty deep it you might be a little bit slower than you normally are but you didn't affect your i love that i'm clearly seeing that whatever you did did not affect how funny you are and the way your brain works because i think so many people are scared if they treat this stuff they won't be as funny well i just wanted to try it like i feel like i'm healthy enough to try it i'm healthy enough to have an experience from it you know in the end i still feel probably like you know a lot of my stuff is spiritual in nature and i probably just need to have a relationship with a higher power for myself but i it could be better for sure i mean i have one but it certainly could be you know i just got one too a year ago and like or i've been trying to have one within a like about over a year and like accept a god or higher power or like admit that i'm not in control of all the things and that's kind of like about the acceptance of like okay i want to masturbate so i'm masturbating i want to smoke weed okay i'm smoking weed like the gentleness of like you not you're not in control just do just be and and the higher power thing and raise being raised as an atheist i don't know how you were oh you always raised his atheist really yeah like really we weren't raised with much but we didn't i i just picked up things from around the neighborhood you know famous religion really yeah oh yeah wow and like you know like if you believe in god you're probably dumber and you pro like those are the things i kind of grew up with like i my parents would watch catch me watching seventh heaven and they'd be like what's going on like go memorize some [ __ ] marilyn manson lyrics or something you know like go they they would be like disappointed i would go to christian young life camp because it was just a flirt with boys and my friends and i like singing songs i like singing sweet caroline like those moments and they were just like you know it's crazy so now i feel really weird being like telling my parents my i was living with my parents over the summer and i was so depressed that i started praying because i just had no hope left i was when you mentioned ketamine i was like tell me about it because i was so depressed that i called neil brennan being like oh yeah i called gary goldman actually being like i was about to call neil but it didn't get that desperate but i called gary goldman being like i'm going to check myself in somewhere because i'm [ __ ] want to kill myself like i'm not going to but yeah it's bad my brain is turned against me and and because my parents i'm living with my parents they're like you hosted kimmel last week you have all these tour dates everyone's like you have you're doing nothing there's nothing that spurred this and it's like i don't know what's going on here but i got caught praying one day because i was trying to talk to a higher power trying to just like act as if there is oh yeah like i am like a little mormon like girl like i don't know how to breathe so i get on my doesn't it feel like something i feel like when i put something like if i talk inside of myself subconsciously to a higher power and i'm not saying your higher power should be any specific religion i'm saying anything like that yeah but if you do that i feel like something hears me yeah it does and i feel like it's that i don't think that's a crazy thing i haven't always felt like that in my whole life you know i but i feel it's like it does and then it's nice because then life every day isn't just my responsibility it's not just up to you that's what i love about it too because you had somebody manipulated for as soon as you finally accept it which as someone who didn't believe in god and like to accept that there's someone looking out for me and that always is with me even when i'm like having a relapse or like always you know i i kind of um my my like biggest problem is like i quit drinking but my biggest problem is like eating disorder stuff and it's like even when i start to do those behaviors that i know lead to bet or i'm smoking too much pot i'm just like if i sit and acknowledge like whoever's looking out for me this is the way it's supposed to be and just like then i the behavior doesn't it it doesn't affect you so much it doesn't exist like i'm just like okay someone's here with me like i got nervous the other day but it's hard to remember to do that that's the thing of just being like hey sometimes i talk to dead friends and i feel like that helps me of like hey can you not help me like hey will you please get me this special with hbo please get have them give me a special i don't ask for things but i go will you help me be okay no matter what happens with this hbo special and that's what i asked for and that just whether or not it is true it just [ __ ] it helps yeah but it just feels like in this it feels like some to have some connection to some other so a higher source just feels like i don't know it used to seem like it was part of life so much more even if you go back to native americans like their spirit animal or the spirit you know like the fact that they would like pray to the sun and the moon and like to the water and like how it all works and then here we are out here just like you know it's like these things we've created uh you know all this technology and all this stuff like it has so much more power you know it takes all our attention like you're saying but it's not very rewarding though i don't think it gives us much of a reward but sometimes i'm on instagram and i'm scrolling and i just go you know what and i'll acknowledge it i'll go you've been scrolling a while and you're not feeling good about this i just go either you make a decision do you want to keep doing this and if you do just do it you know don't have this right right yeah don't also do the thing where you feel bad about yourself yeah just do it but acknowledge that you're doing it and well i know we got to wrap things up but um [ __ ] what was the thing that you were saying about how long have we been going praying so long or 20 have we really it flies by jc fam yeah just ordered some lunch too actually um um it's just i want to know what you think about sorry go on yeah but anyway i i got really depressed but the thing that same i got like diagnosed with adhd and you have adhd as a as an adult woman and i never was diagnosed with it but i went and got like you know you're on the mat now yes and that is i just it's it's scary to like be depend on something but i'm also on antidepressant meds i just don't want to have thoughts of killing myself i'm tired of it i'm not it's it's like what is that i wouldn't even like sit and think like how am i gonna kill myself i'd just be like sitting here with you and then i would just like think of and i just like ah why is how many native americans killed themselves you know they i wonder i don't think many did you know bow and arrow like this i know yeah i wouldn't be the worst they might have sacrificed themselves but i think that's a total different mental and spiritual animal than just like oh and you're doing it because your dad made you because you have to sacrifice a virgin on the first full moon or so you know what i mean like yeah i think you really so yeah suicide though is like yeah i think that's why you see a lot of people trying to get back into things that are just more like you know i think it's one of the nice things about actually having uh getting a place that's not in los angeles i just feel there's a little bit more nature around me it's like i can go run a few times a week around this lake radnor and it's like it's just a couple miles you can worry about where you're going running you know do you care if like the gang gang shows up on your run oh no i don't that's cool i see people out there a lot i see people when i'm running by yeah yeah it's mostly a lot of uh arabs like to go walk by the arabs use a lot of parks they'll use a lot of parks if you notice that no middle eastern people love to use parks they're smart parks like getting out in nature it really does it makes a huge difference it's a big deal like i yeah i was just in like the cayman islands and i was on two and a half months dude and there's no covet down there i just stayed and then the show ended and i stayed two more weeks because i'm like i'm not coming back until the states need me for something it was awesome you're working on a show yeah what kind of show is it um it's a i can't say but it's i'm i'm host i don't when is this coming out tomorrow okay uh yeah i'm hosting a show that i can't it's gonna be out this summer but it's like oh fun it was my it was the best thing i've ever seen it was yeah it was amazing after i like i accepted a gig that i truly accepted on based on hearing the name of it and being like yeah this is what i want to do like i i'm loving my life right now and i feel like you are too like i feel like we're just doing it was killing yourself a second ago no no that was last summer oh my god this was no i i got over my depression probably in the fall because i went and got treated for it and i like on a dime started treating my adhd and i have not had one suicidal ideation since then wow but over the summer i was in a really dark place and it could come back because i've had those throughout my life do you feel see one of my goals i would like to get off of antidepressants that's one of my goals which is one of the main reasons why i tried the ketamine therapy because it's had a lot of success with getting people off antidepressants i also want to do mushrooms and um lsd to treat yeah people are trying a lot of stuff yeah i am i also want to go to burning man do you like sam harris i got his app uh wake up yeah yeah sam harris is the reason i'm a a better person now than i was this summer he and many others there's a lot of good stuff out there there's no free will there's a lot of junk out there too you know that's a tough thing you know yes and he might be like no i don't say he is i'm just saying but there's a lot of junk like i know that i fall for [ __ ] all the time online you know i didn't fall for that gwyneth paltrow thing that everyone was passing around with the vaginals or whatever no she said there was some headline the other day that was like through the pandemic it's been really tough one night i even had to eat bread and everyone's going oh my god i lost my grandfather but it was fake she didn't say that i'm not shocked yeah the see that that's the thing she maybe said a comment but they're like it's not real well all nothing in the news none of this is real but sam harris is someone that has like his app is so helpful for if you're going through depression or just existential crisis but and the fact that there's no free will has really helped me too well i think uh what do you mean there's no free will you mean look into it if you read sammy harris's book free will the concept that you have any control over anything you do you want to talk about i you're not in control of your own life you're really not because it's too much of a concept this might if by any by the way this freaks anyone out right now the idea that you're not in control of your life because the fact is you're not that scares you you should probably not trigger warning because some people with like psychiatric dis like illnesses can't handle this but basically uh free will doesn't the idea that you are controlling anything you do the idea that i'm like oh i'm gonna pet that rat and i did it okay yes i had the thought though of i'm gonna pet that rat did i choose that thought did i go i could do anything right now and i'm gonna go choose no it just popped in my head so anything that you can argue is a choice is a thought that popped in your head that you did not that you pulled out of nowhere you didn't choose who your parents were you didn't choose that your heart's beating much like those other things you don't choose what you think and everything you do is based on what you think so if you're not choosing what you think there's it's either completely random or it's uh determinism which is like it's already laid out does that make sense i mean it slightly makes some sense i mean i think it sounds it just sounds like more than it sounds like a bigger thing that we'd have to unpack you know it sounds like a bigger that's the basics and if anyone's interested just i'm serious look into because it really helped me right this concept and i didn't know it was a thing it's uh it's a short book called free will by sam harris i could see it taking a lot of pressure off of people because then it's like your the decisions and the choices you make are not as um they're not your fault they're not gonna hamper yourself as much either well nothing's your fault like when they open up this is a great example he gives in the book when they open up a guy that shoots up a [ __ ] mall or something and they they're how could he strip mall a strip mall he shoots up a strip mall they open up his brain they do an autopsy and they find oh my god there is a giant tumor on his amygdala i'm just making up i don't know if that it it completely explains why this otherwise normal man had this complete shift and and shot up the the mall actually he would probably get a different charge because of that right because it wasn't his fault it was his brain it was a tumor right it's a it's not premeditated right even if he planned it it wasn't as far as the tumor we have some sympathy for that guy in a way that we don't have for a jeffrey dahmer right or a ted bundy who whether or not they opened their brain and found something we just go that guy plans these things he's a crazy person when really ted bundy didn't want to be born with he didn't choose the brain that made him a serial killer and you go well if i were ted bunny i wouldn't have done that yes you would have because everyone does exactly what they're going to do and there's no it gives you an immense empathy and i'm not saying i forgive child molesters or murderers or someone who could like hurt my family i would be furious because that's just human nature but i understand that when i think of child monsters i kind of i'm so angry at what they do and disgusted by it but there's a part of me that's like no one would choose to be born with a brain oh yeah i think some of that there's a lot of sympathy they need to like get help and do what they need to get help but there's a lot of that i go they didn't choose that and people have a hard time that's a really weird concept but if you break it down everything is something that's weird in your brain so whether it's a tumor or just your brain's weird and we can't really see what's weird it's still not your fault it's your brain well i think some of that will be interesting as we learn you know just as we evolve more and learn more and we start to see like um you know empathy is such a big thing you know and just how much uh are you good with it i think i'm pretty good with that honestly a lot of times because i've always felt that way the way you're talking about like even my friends that have gotten trouble for sex stuff like our friends that have gotten trouble like i usually always think like what happened to him you know like how did it start like yeah that's great but i mean it still doesn't take away also though also though you live in an environment in a society and society is shaped where people have to have punishments sometimes and and and things that happen and sometimes some people need to go back into the broth man i get it and i understand that we want to punish people and say like you you i you hurt my friend i'm gonna hurt you eye for an eye but really the reason we put these people away is because they harm society and it's not it's not an example to people to not do that but it's it's it's not so much retribution because we should just be like wow that sucks that he's a serial killer and his brain is like that and we put them away but we put them away as an example of not what to do to not to not do what they do for people and we want them out there and we want to protect people yeah you gotta go huh no i'm gonna i'm gonna you're gonna eat lunch yeah just real fast but uh or not but i'm just gonna to have someone but i love that yeah i've got something tenders um no you don't like them oh you can't eat them huh it's all that i can i won't okay oh these are for me too oh yeah no thank you i i'm not trying to be people hate vegans but um yeah no way yeah i so can you give if you what if you do a bj can you do a finisher yeah it's not harming an animal i mean a couple of my early ones my first one might have harmed a fellow human uh because i didn't know what to do with my teeth but um no calm is like that's fine you can see most people call it seed most people call calm seed or semen i don't go give me your i want your seed but i i feel like calm is the is the one really yeah i call it [ __ ] when you're in bed with a girl and you say i'm gonna can you take my can you ingest my seed what do you say to her i'm going to exceed i'm going to plant i'm going to harvest maybe um sorry i say calm no i'll keep it going so uh yeah i don't eat i don't need animals because i love animals now what if you met an animal and he's violent he's killing other animals stuff like that yeah i can kill him but he's a jeffrey dahmer of animals still we have to kill him because he's killing other animals he's his sacrifice will be less than how much harm he could put in the world see that's one of the things overall sometimes you have to do things just for the greater good that's what um putting people in jail is fours but like well do you believe in the death penalty then no i mean by buy these by this logic no because but i i believe in it because if i got that life sentence i would i would really want to be put to death oh please i believe in it just like as a i'm i'm advocating for the prisoners to like have that option like just i don't even care if their machine your chair's not working let's just do a uh shoot me mm-hmm like i would rather i like when the world ends and the wave comes i just want to have a i want to have a gun just so i can like kill myself before some natural disaster obviously it's a better way to go than hopefully i think some prisoners will wise up and they will get the option to have the death penalty yeah and some of them would choose people are so scared of death it would be better to go back into the [Music] amoeba or the the sphere that that yeah and have a new shot at a retro at a retribution of existence that it would be here and piddle around like writing letters to the girls yeah and just be a some because then you're just part of some um documentary that some creep is going to make because they want to make money off the people i watch those youtube videos of like them interviewing sociopaths i love sociopaths and psychopaths i just what's a murder you could do and be honest with me okay um bill cosby you could do rape i could um probably strangle him oh you could kill him you mean yeah i'll tell you what's a murder you could commit oh maybe i shouldn't have said that then but i would love to just see his eyes pop out even more as i slowly choke the life out of him for being probably a murderer and the most prolific serial rapist that any of us have ever known um a murder i could do a gun you know like if there was a burglar or something like i could stab someone i could um i could do anything in self defense i wouldn't like my dad always says if a guy you're in a car with a guy and you uh he's taking you an undisclosed location you're gonna get murdered right if a guy grabs you and shoves you in a car and you're screaming don't don't try to like hang out for the car ride wherever you're going you're gonna get murdered you gotta jump out so just try to wreck the car even if you're on a highway but the best thing to do if you can is like gouge their eyes and that would be hard for me to do just to feel but actually i feel great to someone like that is about to rape and murder you just go and like dig as far as you can and you have to do it and then the car will flip but you have a better chance of surviving that then he's not going to take you to go do a podcast you know like you're gonna it's gonna be bad see that's one thing i think that's tough for a lot of women is you have that that chance out there of getting sexually assaulted you have the chance to get like if somebody picks me up they just are going to want to either spend time with me or give me a ride that's what i was thinking about the run but hold on theo this brings us to one of the one of the moments i'll never forget about you that i had on the street in front of the improv on melrose do you remember you were coming back from your car i was leaving the melrose improv it was probably like 2017. and i was on a jog no you were you were um coming back you went like you were maybe coming wait hold on i was walking that way you were yeah you were coming back to the improv from your car maybe going to get something or maybe you were coming for the first time i go hi theo and i see you and i passed you on the sidewalk we're kind of further down i remember this west from melrose you'll remember it because you go i go hey it's kind of in like a couple blocks more where the comics park it's see it's scary it's coming it's seedy you know and so i do remember this and i was walking it was in a part that's a little scary and i go hey and then you bet you pass and you go don't get raped and i go yeah thanks i was just like [ __ ] you because i was annoyed because it's like if you think if that is sincere of like hey be careful yeah just walk me to my car you know where i'm going yeah and then also like it's up to me whether or not i get raped is the other kind of it's a funny thing to say because it's like that's a big reach you know what i'm saying but but just being like don't get it's just saying something flippant about a thing that i actually fear every time i leave there right but you didn't know that and so it was me going like i go thanks and i'm in my car just like oh god that was not a fun run right i didn't care i i really did get to a place of like he doesn't know he doesn't know the experience of being a woman and like didn't think about it it was just we were like you were like uh we were awkward almost you were just like huh and just like said something we all do that so i forgive you but then you texted me right after it we're like hey i'm really sorry that felt so weird and that wasn't cool to say and i should have walked you you like said all the nice things in the text like right after and that always meant a lot to me but and i could tell that you were like but yeah just walk in my car next time yeah do you walk girls to cars yeah i'll walk girls to cars i make sure they get in the vehicles get girls ubers you know yeah i think i do all that kind of stuff i don't know why i said it maybe i thought that it was just a good maybe this the environment was right for the jokes no it is because also i'm a comic and that's a funny joke well that's a tough thing too when you're talking with comics it's like and it's like that's the thing that sucks about the world it sucks that you couldn't make a race joke a few minutes ago without everybody thinking you're a [ __ ] racist yeah like you just have to and you kind of can it's like you don't have to be but i might catch someone in a vulnerable state like you caught me in a vulnerable state where i was already thinking about being raped and i might say a race joke and it catches someone who's watching who is black and was discriminating against today all day today they didn't get something because they are black that it's just they know it and then they hear me say a racial joke and it just makes them go like god another [ __ ] thing like right it can catch someone in the wrong time i agree but then we've gotten to this space in the world where it's like around that but i also i want a career right and i want to be able to say things because we have to do things that's for the common good like it's gotten to this point where it's like you're never going to make everybody on twitter happy everybody has a voice now it's impossible to make everyone happy and so you have to be able to take some risks in every in every facet of life you know because don't you know that like you have to do things with the common good it's like 99.5 percent of people would just laugh at the joke yes and then there's that and is that one person that's had a tough day yes they've had a tough day but we're also starting to raise people to think that just because they've had and speaking of that had a bad day that i'm having but do you like this or no no i don't you can't have it i can't i can't have any of it and i don't really i'm not admitted i love birds and so eating chickens to me seems crazy but if a man eats it was that you deter you from being around that man i i really like a guy to maybe wrap his head around like understanding because i don't not eat chicken because it's not good that's [ __ ] delicious everything you're eating is something that i enjoyed for years of my life and i'm i do miss yeah but i don't do things that sometimes that i want to do because it's right like i don't murder people that i want to murder i don't hit my friend i don't hit my mom sometimes when i want to hit her because it's not good for the greater for the world and eating chickens and eating chicken well you have to be able to eat something at a certain point what's next and you can't have plant like you're not getting a salad as feeling the thing is so stupid the what's next i understand it but like when people go plants oh feelings okay when when that's proven when plants are like i can see the humanity in a plant's eyes and i can see i can see a pig and i see my dog at a pig it's not a hard thing to do right i understand people can separate fish and squids even though my octopus teachers should ruin that for everyone they can kind of go okay those things are like insects they're lobsters they're like roaches but when you eat a pig and a chicken if you've ever had i had a parakeet says child as a child they were the best that are beautiful they were the best pets i've ever had i loved that bird more than i've loved dogs and i love dogs but i had more of a connection that more of a personality was smarter than my dogs i i'm more in kiwi and then one day i was like chickens are [ __ ] kiwi like he that parakeet and chickens chickens might be even smarter than me i don't know yeah but does it matter if something's dumb though because something's dumb doesn't mean it means it should be killed we don't do that to humans but mother nature kills us sometimes sure and uses us to go back into the earth go hunt all you want just don't make animals suffer up until you kill them i don't care guys i'm like [ __ ] yeah it's not the killing put them out of their goddamn misery much like the jail thing let the death penalty is great in a cow's life because the cow's existence up until the death penalty is what i'm bothered by right and you can't guarantee that these animals are treated well so many are up until they're slaughtered but because you can't guarantee i just you know sometimes i look at eggs and i go i'll buy the most expensive ones because these are probably the ones that are treated right but it's just a picture of a woman like holding a chicken and you're like oh that woman picked these eggs okay i'm gonna it's like no that's the label right i don't know unless my sister had chickens and i definitely ate those um chickens and look at the thing about it is man i think if you i wish we knew here's what i wish i wish we could get inside the brain of a chicken and know if they mined or not they definitely mind they definitely any of course i'm not saying they don't i'm just saying i wish we had and i think down the line we will have that ability yeah we're all gonna look so stupid and i'm not saying that i'm perfect and that everyone needs to go vegan but to my mom won't watch the octopus teacher this thing that humanizes octopuses and like not humanizes but like makes them like you realize like they have emotions and this person like it really [ __ ] you up apparently if you watch this and my mom loves calamari so much that she won't watch it she goes i feel like if i watch that i won't eat it anymore i'm like then why so you're living ignorantly so that you can protect yourself because you like [ __ ] but then it's always gonna be like that this so but then it's just gonna become whoever has owns the media is just gonna be able to influence and then they create the products that they want us to buy then you know but like at least those products hopefully vegans are not doing anything wrong except wanting animals i have nothing wrong with it be happy yeah and that's people people do have a lot i mean people are skipping this part oh really people hate vegans the i used vegans i used to have like a bit about it in my act and i dated a vegan and i was called somebody's a vegan maybe but don't make me have to be a vegan if you're a vegan no i'm not making you i'm just kind of trying to say the same things that when i wasn't a vegan kind of made me see the other side and actually embrace it and really love it and i'm just sharing with you my experience of realizing that animals want to live just like we do and pigs are terrified from the second they're born cows and pigs most of them i know not all get plucked from the mom they're scared the whole time they're shaking then they're forced they never have a single charlotte moment of no it's not because charlotte's web is that's a good experience at least that pig knew some like like warmth these animals never know warmth a pet never any not one minute of it from the time they're plucked from their mom until they're put loaded on trucks they're they're stuck in pens they're just they're just made to get fat that there's no one that's caring about their needs so this animal that is capable of deep deep feelings like your dog never sees in its however long it lives life it never sees a shroud of of kindness to it and then it's slaughtered how can you how can you do that well [ __ ] but i i i look at those i'm not doing it i i i'm not doing that i'm having some raising canes i'm enjoying it i mean you can take this out because eat what you want i really i don't care i'm just saying what i learned that that's why i can't even mean anymore and i [ __ ] hate it because i miss [ __ ] feta cheese i miss frozen so is part of it that you just miss those things and you want to have them and so you're angry at other people i mean that's the classic hack [ __ ] joke they're angry because they're weak because of protein i didn't say that i'm angry because i just don't understand why people who love dogs and i know like you know dedicate their lives to saving dogs can eat pigs i just don't get it can eat pigs that they know have never seen if you if one minute of what that pig that you're eating is life or that chicken that you're eating life happened to your like i don't know if you have a you don't have a dog you've never had i don't have a dog i've considered getting a dog i'm thinking about maybe getting a welsh terrier or something can you bring that up next yeah so if if for people listening at home if a minute of the pain that uh a chicken that you're eating or a pig that you're eating is life and i know it's not your fault you didn't put them in that situation you're just trying to eat food i get it look at that but if you're if you're a little welsh terrier that you get something that you're gonna love more than you ever even thought possible loving a dog because that's what happens if you had if someone inflicted that kind of life for 30 seconds onto a dog that a chicken and a pig experienced their entire life for 30 seconds you would want to [ __ ] murder you would you would have that person charged with cruelty they kept them in a box for that dog that it wasn't able to run its legs were scabbed up it had sores in its eyes like the things that happened to these animals if we had a little bit of it for our precious pets we would never tolerate it yet when we see when we can't see the footage and we don't want to see it so i just i didn't do it and it's that kind of thing and by the way i definitely contribute to horrific injustices to humans yeah there's tons it will never end i mean at a certain point i just chose one and that's my one cool yeah yeah i think um but yeah i still buy from amazon so i just want to be clear yeah i mean i'm still part of the problem i mean it's crazy because like there's also countries where they eat dog and they eat like things that are major i kind of like that they do i like that they go you know what we count we're gonna [ __ ] eat dog i wish we would start eating dog because it would make people wake up to the fact that why isn't this okay i would have some dog you should you know what i i honestly i don't want that to happen but i do think that people need to wake the [ __ ] up and realize that when you when we go to china to like say don't have this yulin meat dog meat festival how could they eat dogs but i think there used to be how you would never [ __ ] ever eat a hamburger nicky i think there used to be times where there was like a connection between animals and humans and nature and so if they took something's life because they needed to survive and that's what they did the cow lived in in a natural environment or if it was formed it was treated nice and had a good life i've always said we should i i more value it when someone hunts with a knife when people go what about when rogan launches elk i'm like do it those elk lived a good life they just like caught a [ __ ] stray bullet like you things happen but at least they [ __ ] [ __ ] a lot and ate a lot and jumped over creeks and like had some adventures in their life that animals are supposed to so maybe you want more you want animals to have have an adventure outward-bound experience eat we take these animals and give them a week solution in the wild yeah now i love that you want ymca camp for these animals while they grow up before and that's what a lot of like one more thing there's a thing called in the vegan community that i would never do called bearing witness and peta does it a lot where they meet up with these slaughter trucks as they're coming in the pigs are coming to slaughterhouse they're packed into these things and you can just see their snouts through these little cages and they're dying of thirst they're just they're basically dead because if they were dead who cares so when pigs are when you if i finish the soda and i was just talking to you i would just start crinkling the can because i know it's trash it's going in the trash i'm not saving this i'm not trying to make this right right you're not gonna yeah you're not gonna give them the best last meal it's not like a prison system yeah a pig so it's that's headed to slaughter i'm gonna you just treat it like [ __ ] so these pigs are in the worst conditions headed to slaughter and these people go and just it's called bearing witness because just to see just to honor a pig's life and go like i see you and i knew you were an animal that deserved more and i'm really sorry and just to be there and like they hope they hold a vigil because it's set and they they feed water to these thirsty pigs to the thing and that to me is like i could never do that i can't even look at footage i just read stuff and no because it but that's the kind of thing that i hear and i just go that's pretty much an outward bound experience of like i'm going to show you a pet the one gentleness you'll get your whole life because you've been kicked and prodded and living in [ __ ] and eating bad stuff that doesn't even taste good that's just going to make you fat i mean it's just so sad i mean i think some of it is not people's fault though some of it is just the way that society has evolved and also if you have to if you have to feed a family like there was no i there's no opportunities for a lot of people to go do all types of certain things like that's what i'm saying you don't have to go all vegan just one if you can do one meal where you eat sometimes you don't have a choice like that is a parent that's trying to take care of their kids but there are plant-based options at burger king now like there's ways around it that tastes good i'm serious i'm i i know that vegan stuff is expensive and i can say that it's elitist of me to be able to like just go switch to plant-based get meals delivered to your doorstep but there's really affordable options now and that's really old rhetoric of being like it's too expensive there's there's way but i'm just saying some people's lifestyles it's not an option in their lifestyle i'm not telling if if that resonates with everyone you want to do it then you can do it all i do is i have to spread the message because it's [ __ ] like this that got me to adopt it and so i know i might sound like a jehovah's witness right now and i'm like i have to spread the lord's message that's what i feel in my heart for animals is my job and like i said i am letting severe injustices of human injustices happen and i don't speak up for it because i this is just my cause i pick and i'm drawn to it and i it works i've made a lot of people go vegan and the only reason i went vegan is because vegans would shut the [ __ ] up and so i know it works they were annoying as [ __ ] yeah and they finally got to me so i have to be annoying as [ __ ] there's no other way to do it well sometimes things got to be said um you have a new tour that's coming right yeah one night only no yeah one night with nikki glazier one night it's um it's like because it's all about sex no it's it's going to be um amazing i'm so excited because dude my theater tour last time got stopped in the middle you were doing theaters for a while right yeah i just finished my tour when covet started your first one yeah like your first theater tour yeah what was it was it great yeah it was cool it was hard i i had been already doing clubs like like in a row for like a year and a half i was just exhausted by the end i was exhausted that was what i felt on mine last year it was just doing clubs up until the first theatre tour date and then all of a sudden it's a theater and people are paying more money the pressure's on and i did cool stuff like i finished with a dance andrew uh colin my co-host on nicki laser podcast and uh my best friend and roommate and then my other best friend anja marina like she opened with music like i had a band open and i brought my friends on the road it was so fun and then cove it happened it all shut down right and then and i've in covid i've learned how to play guitar i might like i'm going to sing a song with my friend anya and like i might do like private concerts before my shows like at cafes in town where i just do taylor swift like sing-alongs and i'm not even joking you like it's i'm bad at guitar but i like singing taylor swift with other swifties okay fans so i might start doing that but like the the show itself and my dad and i sang over the summer oh yeah i remember seeing that i did a version of lady gaga and bradley cooper's um uh that you know shallow yeah but we rewrote it about me living at home with my parents and it was really [ __ ] funny it was all about you know i've gotta leave i've gotta go and like hearing my parents [ __ ] through the wall but it was like and it sounds like a dumb it was really good i went to voice lessons and like learned how to sing like gaga and it was [ __ ] singing is [ __ ] funny my dad's an amazing musician are you a good singer or not i i can be but i quit singing lessons and i i smoke a lot of pot now but apparently my singing teacher's like do whatever i'll work with it like rock and roll artists smoke so they smoked cigarettes all the time like you smoked pot oh yeah i think everybody has some people thousand times advice that they take out with them yeah and so i um i love singing and this but the stand-up show is not gonna be singing it's gonna be me like roasting like doing rose stuff talking about rose because people love that and they expect that from me now is there you know i'm like is it a mixed bag though there could be singing there could be special guests it could be whatever there's gonna be like i'm gonna i i really am excited about like the whole thing like it's just it's it's never gonna be boring you're never gonna be watching something and going like oh my god i don't wanna watch nikki's friend like play music it's gonna be like this is [ __ ] really [ __ ] good like my friend anya marine is like a legend i have friends that are talented that wanna work and i can make them money this way it's so nice and then i get to bring my dad who's [ __ ] 66 he's been playing in bars and at nursing homes during covid like outside their windows and what his name is jim his name is ej glazer and he's a he's such a good musician he's always wanted me to sing and play guitar and when i moved back home over quarantine this thing that my dad always wanted me to do and i was like i'm not good at it i'm not as good as your dad like like billy elliot yeah like what does a j stand for ernest james uh edward uh john edward johnson yeah yeah he's very cool in any way so we uh so i'm gonna sing with him and then i might and then i'm gonna have special guests like i just i'm gonna fly my friends out that's my new life it's just like dude i love it i love the fact you were able to kind of like get into st louis yeah and i know you have the mtv uh you're gonna be honest i was just saying that because i'm hosting them this week i'm like out here and instead of getting a hotel and just being like i usually come out and do my stuff and then hang with my other friends i was like in case my ally friends are busy or like whatever i'm just gonna bring my friends with me and so i got a house in the hills airbnb and like i brought all my friends like who i brought here today it's like so these things that i used to go like i'm hosting this award show and it's like it's me and my spray tan and like i'm alone and like i don't even know what thing i'm gonna say and i'm like freaking out it's like i constantly have friends around that are like you're fine like let's play guitar for a second oh my god let's like talk about this funny thing i saw like it's just it's so great to be in this position and to like be able to just like today just doing work that like you like and getting comfortable i think getting to a place in your life where you're comfortable to exist as you change yes that's one thing i think i hear a lot from you even just in this conversation is just getting to a place in your life where you feel comfortable um like i usually like before we started i was like i want to check the shot to make sure like should i wear this shirt am i looking like i'm like sexy because i'm always scared that someone's gonna go she's trying to look hot when really like of course i am i'm [ __ ] single this is like a platform to like get people's att why wouldn't i look hot like it's like married and even married so but the thing is i um if i don't if i see this later and i go because there's a lot of times i see stuff of me and any girl and lots of guys watching would relate where you just go like i am disgust like i have really low self-esteem when it comes to my looks like oh yeah it started really early and it's just there but now over this past year i'm just like i don't know what happened dude like i just don't care i like when i see myself looking really [ __ ] ugly and like dry skin and i look like old like i'm like i look like sometimes i see my face i'm like [ __ ] you're old and i am i'm 36 like sometimes i'm like you're you look like 42. that's okay i just had a [ __ ] dry day yeah i need to moisturize more like and i am gonna who cares and in the way that i like i feel like anyone who likes me is still gonna like me if i look like [ __ ] the people i love when they start looking like [ __ ] i i'm on board it's okay you didn't let me down you're allowed to look like [ __ ] someday if you want to even though you won't yeah but i love her so much i would i don't care and so now i like myself and now when i look like gross i just go like oh boy you look at a little yeah a little husky today and those pants were a mistake it's like little christmas people just like laugh i laugh at like i used to be really embarrassed at how messy i was like my car i don't want people i have to like clean my car if a boy is gonna get in now i'm just like if this guy is someone you know yeah look at look at my trash this is not in here hold this apple bottle because i have lacroix hands in the passenger seat maybe that's not so funny yeah i could relate to a lot of that i don't care anymore how the reflection of this year environment i don't want to present any way i'm not because if you get to be authentic across the board and really are like i am who i am and that's okay then you don't have to ever think i literally don't have to because the thing i realize is about comedy and you tap into it big time because this is the thing i notice about you is you just talk and it's funny like i know you're aware of what you say is funny but you talk in a way that you almost act like you don't know but i also think that you can't you're in a position now that you know that your fans get you and you know that you're funny that you can show up and you don't really have to prepare you can just start talking and it's gonna be good enough like maybe prepare a little bit but i could get on stage and talk about [ __ ] anything and be entertaining at this point because i've done it that long and within that is like this freedom to be people are at ease audiences want to watch you comfortable if i'm comfortable and not worried about what you think they lap it up because and we feel good then too i notice if i'm having fun man if i'm in a good place then yeah that shows you zenith being honest if i'm not in a good place i'll just be like man i am [ __ ] depressed today or if i'm too sometimes i go on stage i'm too high my new thing is i'm just gonna be like guys i'm really high because the audience just wants in yeah they went in on what's going they sent something weird what is it oh she's high yeah the wheat i took one i thought i wanted one hit i took two i got greedy now we're in a weird place now i've broken this weirdness that i in my head go thick you shouldn't have smoked weed before the set you're such a bad comedian now what's your next joke what's the next joke you shouldn't have done that's a word and now i just go i'm high everyone and now it's like okay no more secrets i've got like let's just be honest yeah and i think that's what comedy is just being honest let's be honest and so as long as you just talk honestly it's going to be funny and good and people are going to like it yeah i think that's a that's a i think that's one thing i'm trying to tap into a little bit more getting into some of this next tour um one of the things i want to work on more in the coming months i can't wait to see your we we never get to watch anymore but it's like i really i really dig your stuff and it's i'm a true fan and i it's i've met you not knowing what your comedy was like at all and had but you have to do this before but for the past many many years you've been one of my my faves and someone that i'm just like i always watch your [ __ ] thank you you've always said you've always said some really nice stuff to me and i appreciate that every time i'm just like same here when i see you [ __ ] am i doing up there i need to like just start telling the truth or the weird or the wackiest way to say it or just like saying when you say limousine of rats right okay how did that occur to you i want to know how that joke popped in your brain because i'm not kidding you that was the funniest thing i've heard in a while i don't know i think just something long that's it and then we're talking about an animal and you just pulled long and then we had that ferret and so then i just thought of those things that's so simple it's like the first thing that entered in your mind like sometimes i overthink things but sometimes i just gotta go it's a long rat what's long boom easy limousine limousine i don't make them anymore so they're so messed up and look at that yeah it's like a water slide of p yes there you go it's uh um i mean this joe could go that's a you know one of it looks honestly looks like one of the penises and the porn that i watched quite often oh damn okay i watched some bigs my porn consumption is just some of this stuff another podcast out there yeah i mean i feel really bad for guys out there based on porn i really do because to even you're right you do but our vaginas are different in comparison too so we're also feeling the same kind of insecurity and i just want to let guys out there with small dicks know like literally i don't you can just use a dildo to [ __ ] me it and then just like yeah long as you're cheering me on long as you're there supporting long as you're not on your phone the whole time sex i've had is with a guy with a penis yeah using a dildo hey man all right stop just saying that look i think that covers everything uh one night with nikki glazer right yes tickets on sale nikki well some places are too nice and so but it's a uh nikki glazer.com tour for tickets they're on sale now and they're i'm pretty happy people are turning out but people really like my podcast yeah like i never promote podcast because i'm always like what am i doing but i love the way you're doing it at home now you're in your house every day you like find out about i can't help but like share gossip about my life you catch up on like stories going on it's very interactive with fans it's it's it was inspired by watching people like you and how you do it and just are yourself so if you like this show and you liked my appearance and you made it to the end definitely subscribe to the nikki laser broadcast and then unsubscribe if you don't like it i don't care yeah but just subscribe yeah give it away why don't we go jump in you don't have to listen to old episodes just jump on in yeah anytime yeah you don't have to start from the beginning no with andrew conlon and uh colin yep nikki thank you so much for being here today thank you theo always fun yeah and thank you raising kings for my launch and yes thank you maybe they'll have a vegan option in the future i think they should if they did i would be so i would be so cool with that they have that yeah i don't know we got to actually the the guy who started raising canes is from louisiana he's coming on the podcast next no i know that that's like everyone's favorite fried chicken and so uh yeah that's pretty cool that you're having that guy good good on him it'd be interesting just to hear how it all happened you know i mean for so much i'll probably skip it but yeah i'm just kidding i'm interested i support people in the i get it that was the best ending ever nicky glazer ladies and gentlemen thank you so much for coming in [Music] oh but when i reach that ground i'll share this [Music] that parking [Music] i'll sit and tell you my story [Music] [Music] just and now i've been moving way too fast on the runaway train with a heavy load of my hands and these wells that i've been riding on [Music] there

Channel: Theo Von

Views: 919,279

Keywords: Theo Von, This Past Weekend, TPW, comedy, podcast, comedian, interview, talk show, stand-up, stand-up comedy, Nikki Glaser

Id: j43tZJMneR0

Length: 114min 1sec (6841 seconds)

Published: Wed May 12 2021