(note: [original words/my edits])
[aggressively singing the Mortal Kombat theme song] There's Red Bull in this mug. HI-YAH! [silence, except floor creaking] I had a lot of trouble when you were like, "Are there a lot of people there?" I was like, technically but not alive. There's a lot of people there every day and they're all dead. You can't make me do that, legally. That's not in my contract right? They can't-- They can't legally make me do that. Devorah is an insect lady who is only loyal to the hive and if you're cuddling with her and you've got holes somewhere on your body, she will put bugs in them. You know what I think about when I think, [safety operations manager/landlord]? A big man full of magma. Built to [make sure a plant kept safe/be a class traitor] but also had a bunch of cauldrons full of boiling magma in him. Please buy my bed. Nothing bad has ever happened on it. Fake, please reveal yourself! I'm the fake!
Goddammit! Look man, I ain't never showed this to nobody before, but I got this weird birthmark and it spells out something that I didn't realize was important until right now: Sandra. Everyone who's in this heist, can we remember that as the people who are working here the boss is taking a way bigger cut for the past few rounds. So I'm saying we should unionize our bullets. We're on official bimbus. [lip smacking] [Sasha:] Dance break! [Tim, groggy:] Okay! [cheery music] [Mario/Gertrude] is a war criminal. One of the first gens: Elec Man. He controlled nuclear power plants. He could help make sure the nuclear power plant was shut down in case anything bad ever happened to one. [uncomfortable pause] Hopefully it won't! Good evening, and welcome to my house and to my home and to my kitchen. [sung] I'm alone in my apartment and that means I can do anything. [sung] I'm alone in my apartment and that means I can do anything. [sung] But I'll probably just talk to myself and
be anxious about nothing, [sung] maybe watch Thor Ragnarok again. [sung] I'm alone in my apartment and that means I can do anything! [sung] I'm not wearing pants. Siblings My wrists felt so much better while compressed and it made me wonder: What if all of me was compressed? And it leads me to a second, smaller tangent within this larger one-- If you're making millions every year, you're gonna need a lot more to retire, because how else are you gonna support your dipshit fail son's bad business ideas? But be careful not to get any dirt or bodily fluids on the jeans during this step, especially blood. You cannot get blood on the jeans during this or any step of the process. I cannot stress this enough. The consequences are dire. Ha, ha! [sneeze] What? [Elias:] The only person that has the financial means to destroy me, I'm afraid I'm going to kill. [Peter:] You turned on me. You turned on me! [Elias:] [Brian/Peter], whatever am I to do? [Peter:] I'm quitting Polygon entirely! Listen. To the jeans. They're speaking to you. Can you hear them? Their words are quiet, but the implications are loud. You awake one day to find that the jeans have spelled out their preferred jort length on the walls of your apartment in ancient runes. You can't escape their words. They find you in your sleep. It's babbling, but though you might not understand it on a surface level, you understand it viscerally. You understand it better than the words your colleagues say, your peers, anything the world has taught you up to this point. Maybe you could understand it better if you just listened closer. Listened harder. Maybe if you stopped listening to everyone else. Step 1e: Fear. Seeing these combatants rip spines from torsos, pop eyeballs from heads and pull organs from pretty much everywhere leaves me excited, energetic, and-- can I be honest with you? A little bit distraught, okay. Just kidding! I have sponsor money. Nothing is out of my reach! A treasure that's of commensurate or greater value than the suggested retail price of this mystical ancient antique. Because god has cursed me for my hubris and my work is never finished. [cheery music] [Tim:] Oh-- [Sasha:] Oh, my god! [Tim:] Okay, that was-- [pained] Oooh-- [Sasha:] I'm so sorry, I'm so-- [Tim:] That was right on the [shingle/worm bite]. [Sasha:] Should I get the ointment? I'm so-- [Tim:] Nope, I'm just-- [Sasha:] Oh, god, I totally forgot, I'm sorry-- And that just leaves us with the characters that are hard to break the ice with and, uh, the ones that have family issues, and the quiet ones and the ones that are fun to hang out with, uh, And that just sounds like a pretty run-of-the-mill awkward [family reunion/workplace]. And also, just for the drama of it, we should kill someone in the first round. Yeah, and it should be Pat! For those of us who have followed [Brian/Callum]'s career for a long time now, this kind of behavior shouldn't be a surprise. He's a scoundrel, and he's a bad boy, and he earned that reputation by doing nefarious deeds like this on the playing field. But be careful not to do that around someone like [Astram/Jon], who is constantly accusing people of treason for no good reason. [Elana, the Squalid Queen/Annabelle] summons [friends/spiders] when things get a bit too much for her. That's good delegation and understanding your limits. Retribution: Veta Lopis is back. You remember her and her ferret team of Spartan-III's from Last Light and the short story A Necessary Truth, right? Of COURSE NOT! Clown man is terrible, and I'm not saying that clowns are terrible, okay? Clowns serve their purpose. They're creepy, sometimes good, and-- You know what, I do take that back. Clowns don't serve a purpose. You might say, "Mario loves his job, and when you love what you do, you never work a day in your life," but that's bullshit. I love what I do, and let me tell you something: I've worked some days. And if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go throw myself into the ocean now. [Georgie:] I'll tell you what, this is a lot of research into things that really have very little meaning. [Jon, laughing:] You're right. [Jon:] It is. Let's, uh, cut back to [Brian/Tim] real quick just to get his emotions right now and he's face down in the ground. [snoring] Ha, ha! What? And I also went to Hopkins, but that's neither here nor there because I studied writing seminars and cognitive science And I'd, uh, I don't think I'll-- I guess
I could use the writing for-- for-- I'm saying I went to college. [Tremor/Hezekiah Wakely] is a criminal dirt ninja who will fill your bed with pebbles. And where's that money coming from? ...I don't 100% know. Like, I--- I called my bank-- I waited like the whole 15th and as soon as the money came in I called my bank and was like, "Hey, hey, where did that money get transferred in from?" And the guy was like, "It-- It's from you." Like they-- He said that it was like I was transferring money from an account I have with a different bank into this one, but I don't-- I just have the one bank account And I told that to the guy and he was-- [glitching] but he was like, "Mr. Gilbert, we literally just spoke, and it's your money, and you put it into your--" And like that didn't make sense to me until I remembered that I'm my own boss. Finally the best business boss in Dark Souls... is the [Rotten/Circus of the Other], because this company is employee-owned. Every movement is made by the collective, everyone gets a say. You might think you are small, and, insignificant, and also [dead/plastic], but when you smash together everyone's stinky, rotting corpse, you can move mountains together. The best boss is you. And all of your [dead/skinned] friends. Who has ever watched a clown and thought to themselves, "Boy, I wish that thing never got tired." When my twin and I make videos, here's the basic gist: I would edit and premiere, and he would not exist. Instead of throwing your jeans into the laundry, why not hand wash them one last time? [music distorts] [aggressively singing the Mortal Combat theme song, muffled by mug] Oh, I'm ready to go! In hindsight, maybe I should have stopped there... ...but I still had money to burn. This is my journey and it's your journey that you're taking with me. Jeorges do that thing where they pretend to be not important, and then, "Surprise! I wasn't an old crone, I was a
magical witch the whole time!" except they're not very good at hiding the
fact that they're important. Then either [Sonic/Adelard] is a god or could kill god, and I do not care if there is a difference! Ha ha! What? [Say Yeah by Kishi Bashi plays] This is perfect for the employee that likes to, you know, fuck around on Reddit all day and then send one email at five and then peace out. I don't know what that's like. I've never
done that. That means you can become a guinea pig yourself, therefore creating two versions of yourself: [a nobody/Jonah Magnus] and [a heartless/James Wright]. But are you happy with just those two versions of yourself? You shouldn't be, because you're a villain. That's right. It's time for [Nort boy/eye
swap] redux. Stage 8. This is when [Ansem/James Wright], the heartless version of [Terra-Xehanort/Richard Mendelson], the original Norted boy form, takes control of [Riku/Elias]. And now that you're jazzed and ready to go, time to fail. You do have to fail once, uh, in order to succeed later as a villain. But don't let that failure get you down. It's
time for stage 10: You develop an organization to trick young [boy/archivist] into [committing heartless genocide/ending the world] in order to create a new pseudo version of that great power you discovered back in stage 3. And then you fail again. Shingles can be brought about by undue amounts of stress, like if you're stressed about your job or your house or your bank account or bed bugs or the small amount you exercise or the political environments or gun control or the situation in North and South Korea even though they say they're no longer at war but that seems way too easy. [deeply anxious sigh] Who put the [Halo novels/statements] here? I'm not doing the [Halo novels/statements]. Who put them here? I'm just playing five games, okay? Who put them here? Today, I will be playing all five of the Halo-- What the fuck?! What? Why does this keep happening? No, please-- Get these out of here! [screaming] NO-- [The Duke/Salesa]'s dear [Freya/Annabelle]. Yeah, she's a big spider, but she's [the Duke/Salesa]'s dear [Freya/Annabelle]. [The Duke/Salesa] loves her! When has [the Duke/Salesa] led you astray before? Come on, man! [The Duke/Salesa] loves her! Give her a chance. (Offscreen: Do it for [the Duke/Salesa].) Do it for [the Duke/Salesa]! But what am I working on? Like, seriously what the fuck am I doing, right? Like, I just move the same lines back and forth and back and forth between these two spreadsheets, and like, I-- I can't figure out how that's
adding value to anything and yet I keep getting paid by someone who apparently has my name and my voice and like, I tr-- I'm trying to figure out
what happened, like I've messaged [Dorian/Elias] and he-- but he hasn't responded, right, since I-- since he sent over the spreadsheets, it just-- it's been empty, it's been silent. And like, sure, you know what, fuck! I get paid ridiculous amounts of money for two hours of work a day But like, I'm spending the other 22 hours just thinking about the spreadsheets! And I can't figure out why that-- like-- [desperate] I don't sleep anymore, right?! Explosives should be stored in a magazine when they're not in use, and in [Wrecking Crew/the Unknowing], they're just available for you to punch until they explode. [sung] And I got a countdown timer 'til I'm destitute. [ominous ticking] If [Scarlett/Melanie] spent as much time in therapy as she does finding new ways to turn blood into knives, she wouldn't be in this category. [Martin:] Those new shoes? [Tim:] You talking about these? [Martin:] Those puppies new? [Tim:] You're wondering if these are new shoes. [Martin:] You got some new shoes? [Tim:] Oh, I get the sense that you're wondering if these are new shoes. [Martin:] New shoes? [Tim:] Are we speaking about these? [Martin:] I-- I'm talking about those babies. [Tim:] They look pretty new. [Martin:] I see [Patrick/Tim], [Patrick/Tim],
[Patrick/Tim], [Patrick/Tim], new shoes? Elementals are just embodiments of fire and frost. Just hard to cuddle with. [Brian/Elias] is celebrating as though he's won the entire game! The man who created the game does not understand that he still has more time-- Oh, that's a great kick. Classic show of tacky showmanship from our founder [Brian/Elias]. The first nine books are just boot camp. Now that the [Master Chief/Archivist] -- me has completed his training -- [books/statements] it was time for him to drop into the field
-- more [books/statements] [Shao Khan/Jared] is sadistic, incredibly powerful, and just covered head to toe in baby oil. Death flies through the window and breaks the glass. I couldn't give a shit about death -- you should have removed that stained glass first. There are also a bunch of villains but for different reasons: Power; ambition; loyalty; wyvern riding, I guess, and getting possessed which is a classic mistake. [Goro/Jared] is technically a bad guy, but I get the feeling that he just does whatever anyone tells him to do, and I choose to believe he's very kind and doesn't know his own strength and all the people he's murdered up to this point has just been an accident. [sung] My doctor gave me pills and told me I should get some rest [sung] and to burn sage in my apartment to make sure the ghosts were addressed [sung] and to stay away from the number six and pass a cat under a bridge [Sung] and a tie a leek to the affected sores [Sung] but mostly just to sleep. How can you truly understand Dark Souls lore without living Dark Souls, grinding away tirelessly in inhospitable environments under uncharitable overlords. To truly understand Dark Souls lore, you must first understand the desolation of working at a job! Have you ever thought about the term "boss" in a video game before? Those terrible enemies have the same title as the people you'll be working for for the rest of your life! [strained laughter] What a silly coincidence! Uh oh, Jon. On the Fire Emblem wiki, there is a whole list of archetypes based on different characters, a list that I only found after spending a whole day trying to categorize them on my own, and it's just so fun to realize that you've wasted a whole day of work. I like to keep that block unused for whenever I want to feel like a rich person. "Check me out~" Cut the jeans. Congratulations. Your journey to jorts is over. It's finally over. And if you'll excuse me I have to go do my dark bidding on these spreadsheets. Banshee comes from Irish folklore and will foretell the death of someone you know. It's a bit spooky, it's also super emotionally available! You-- you won't have to worry about what the banshee is thinking, they will tell you when they're upset (and also when your parents are gonna die). A lot of these archetypes are based around one singular personality trait: [Scarlet/Basira]'s straightforward; [Valbar/Tim]'s chill; [Linhardt/no one]'s lazy; [Sumia/Martin]'s clumsy; [Petra/Sasha]'s a sweetie, and [Ranulf/Daisy] is a furry. [Sister Friede/Martin] is actually a very good boss and should be up here, but unfortunately, she's the assistant to [Father Ariandel/Peter], who is so incompetent he can't untie a chair from his ass. I'm gonna do the only thing a sane person would do and consume more Monster Energy. [Nashandra/Elias] tricks you into [opening the Throne of Want/ending the world] even though she just wants it for herself, but manipulation gets you pretty far in business. No one wants to hear my opinion... Which is why I am not expressing an opinion: I am stating a fact. [distorted] War is just a whisper in the memories of those who recall a time before the [Dartening/Extinction]. Let me take a moment to move over to a different board so I can show you [Kirby/Gertrude]'s origin story. There's nothing here! There's a lot of characters in the meek murderer archetype because Fire Emblem loves to make characters that are quiet and shy and really self-conscious and then can wreck shop on the battlefield. Probably fine. I felt physically ill and had to lie down
for several hours. I go, a-bing bong bing bong bing bong bing bong bing bong bing bong bing! Now, if we just add up the cost of living of each year leading up to 90 we can see that Mario will have saved enough money to chill out on his boat at age... 77 Which is is just one year below the average American male life expectancy. [Mario voice] I'm a'tired! [strained] Okay, you know what? Just for fun, let's just throw some random numbers in here just to-- just for-- just to see, you know, just as-- just for fun! Let's say Mario is starting to save money at, I don't know, my age, 26. The inflation rate can stay the same 2%, and let's just say that the coin ratio is
actually just one to one with [US dollars/British pounds], so he just needs 3 000 coins today in order to retire and, and-- You know what, let's-- Let's say he could save, uh, 10% of an average [video producer's salary in New York City/archival assistant's salary in London], something completely random like that. Assuming Mario lives to the ripe old age of 90 we can just plug these figures into the equation and figure out that Mario will be kicking back on the white sands, boombox blasting Jimmy Buffett at the youthful retirement age of... 88?! Are you fucking kidding me?! No, no, no, that can't be right, because if
Mario can't retire then that would mean I-- [the painful silence of Realization] [faintly] Will you excuse me for a moment? [faint beachy music] Yes, there were unfortunate doors that opened and couldn't be closed again. It was best not to open them in the first place. That's a quote from Halo: Mortal Dictata. I will finally have the energy to address laundry chair. [accordian music] Oh, hey everyone, uh, [Brian/Tim]'s a little too cool for school now, and let me show you why: Did you get a good shot, [Pat/Melanie]? Finally: Meat. He is an unimaginable pain, and he will dampen your sheets. Do not attempt to cuddle this skinless meat man. ...But I also hadn't run out of sponsor money. [sung] [sung] Yes. Shut up. It's a dance. Ha, ha! What? The villains' tridecagon is definitely
the key! The tridecagon of villainy-- This is a 13-sided shape that goes one further than the dodecagon of the hero's journey-- Why don't you join me? Why don't you join me? But we've culled it down to the perfect number to figure out our sexy monster: That's right, we got 69 left. Can I get a whoop? [enthusiastic cheer] [less enthusiastic cheer] You-- we'll work on it, [Clayton/Jon]. I lost my house and my friends got no money to spend. This crab claw is the end of my future! I feel like I heard the troublemaker making some trouble. I know who the troublemaker is-- Oh, my god, Crash Bandicoot?! Yup, it's me: Crash Bandicoot! See, I don't get-- oh, no no no, stop, no no no, oh-- shit shit shit SHIT--- [yelling] Oh, this is bad--! This is VERY BAD, THIS IS VERY BA-- Ventilation. A lot of these stages need more airflow, better ventilation, but in Pictochat 2, there is too much ventilation in the form of this man, who blows air. Who hired this man? I don't want him on my job site. What do you do after you find out about that power? You [Nort/distort] a boy. Once you got that boy under your possession, time to get real into unethical science! That's a fool's errand, [Brian/Jon]! You are a fool! They called me a fool! But do I look like a fool to you? I will place all dimensionally inappropriate
objects inside that box. [softly singing a music box version of the
Mortal Kombat theme] [shuffling from the mic against the wall] [suddenly, aggressive Mortal Kombat theme]
