Ranking all 200+ Mega Man robots | Unraveled

The Mega Man robot masters were not always evil. In fact, most were mechanized workers, created specifically to make life on Earth more efficient and wonderful. AND THEN THAT MASSIVE DONGER, DR. WILY, TURNED ‘EM ON US! So Mega Man destroyed them, and the world was saved. But... just how useful were these robots? And were they useful enough to chance a robot uprising? What if someone ranked every single Mega Man robot master from most to least useful to see which ones were really worth the risk. Someone should try to do that. It’s me. I’m the one who’s going to do that. Before I get started on the gradient of worth it to not worth it, I’m gonna talk about the protagonists, or “the good guys” even though some of them aren’t specifically good. A lot of these robots were built to be sentient for the sake of being sentient, and I do not feel at all qualified to discuss the philosophical implications of that. So I’m gonna put ‘em over here. Mega Man. Mega Man X. Mega Man red. They’re all over here. I’m not gonna touch that. So what kind of robots are good when they’re sentient? I think that it’s things humans cannot do. Things that perhaps only a robot could do. One that can think for itself would be pretty worthwhile. So let’s start with those ones. The ones that are good. Number one: Chill Man. Chill Man is a recent robot master who was built to help stop global warming. And heaven knows we need that. Definitely worthwhile. Next is another cold friend: Freeze Man. Freeze Man was built to make a non-polluting energy. He would make that energy by splitting average temperatures into hot temperatures and cold temperatures. I’m choosing to think of that as something like nuclear fission as opposed to choosing to think of it as dumb. Commando Man. Terrible name, but he was actually a minesweeping robot. One of the first gens, Elec Man. He controlled nuclear power plants. He could help make sure the nuclear power plant was shut down in case anything bad ever happened to one. Hopefully it won’t! SsssssSTAR MAN! He was built to explore the universe. Humans are real squishy, really, when you think about it. It might be nice to have a man going out into the stars, a Star Man. Also in his flavor text, he’s apparently a romantic and, like, loves poetry, and that’s what we need out in the stars. While he’s up there, Galaxy Man is helping figure out the trajectories. Splash Woman! She’s super useful because she goes and helps shipwrecked sailors, or just people lost at sea. I feel like she’d do a better job than, I dunno, the Coast Guard or whatever. Not that I’m shitting on the Coast Guard. They do do good… I’m digging myself in a hole. Wait, where’d Toad Man go? *worry about Toad Man* Where’s my guy Toad Man? Toad Man. He irrigates crops during drought. Very useful. Why’d they make him a toad? Ice Man. I swear we’ve got a lot of cold people up here at the front. He’s built specifically to do human-like tasks in cold weather. So he’s good! More cold friends. Blizzard Man. There to help monitor the weather in arctic environments. Looks and names can be deceiving, and Junk Man is super important. Junk Man was built so he could find useable robot parts that have been left out. Think about how much electronic waste we make. It would be great if something could go dig through all of our trash and find the useable circuit boards. That’s important. Hornet Man. We’ve done some shit to bees y’all. He pollinates the flowers. Would be very useful if we continue to keep doing shit to bees. And finally, we’ve got Cloud Man and Tornado Man. They both are actually useful for, uh, controlling the weather when things are bad. I’m gonna put Cloud Man in front of Tornado Man because Tornado Man, uh, was, was built to stop tropical storms. Which is not what a tornado is. He needs a different name. There we go. These ones I would say are worth the risk. We still have like 180 more to go. We got a bunch of construction robots next. We’ll start with everyone’s favorite: Guts Man. Imagine there’s a line right here. Maybe I’ll put it in in after effects. That might be too much work. I’m probably not gonna do that. Good ones. Now we’re into construction zone. Guts Man comes first because he’s a civil engineer. He’s not only strong and can lift big rocks, but he can build bridges probably. We’ve got Aqua Man and Pump Man. Both of them are used for water filtration. I’m gonna put Aqua Man in front of Pump Man because Pump Man’s flavor text explains that sometimes he’ll volunteer to wash off graffiti, and no one likes a narc. Bomb Man: bombs. Ground Man: excavation. Block Man: makes blocks. Concrete Man: concrete. Needle Man: needles. I guess it’s drilling. Drill Man: also drilling. Bit Man, from the DOS game. He is also a driller. You think that after the first two went bad… they would’ve stopped making drill robots, right? Oil Man DOS. He does oil… things. Hard Man. *trying to keep it together* He doesn’t actually have a, um, flavor text explanation for what he is other than that he is very heavy. So I am assuming that he is for ground leveling. Um. But maybe he’s just big? Impact Man: piling. Cut Man: tree cutting. Torch Man DOS: welding. Fuse Man: electrical equipment management. Oil Man: keeping things oiled. Spark Man: making sparks! I think he actually charges things. Fire Man. He was made to incinerate trash. Bond Man. He was supposed to be in the first game until they realized… he was just glue. Stone Man. I assume bricks, but actually they only say that he hangs out with Guts Man, so maybe he’s just moral support. Flame Man. He generates thermal power. But also he’s powered by thermal power? Which seems recursive. And also impossible. Jewel Man. He not only mines the jewels but he polishes them. Finally, in the construction, it’s Slash Man. He was specifically made to cut down trees so that you could build SECRET bases. I don’t know why they insisted on saying it was for secret bases. That seems like a waste of a robot. To be perfectly honest, I don’t think we needed to make these ones sentient, because you know what, Hard Man? I think steamrollers were doing just fine. Now we’re getting into a category I like to call… Sure??? They’re not necessarily bad. I just think we could probably do without Wind Man, who apparently helps with the harvest… with fans. Astro Man, who just works in a planetarium. Gravity Man. He can control gravity which could be useful? Dive Man. He was built to catch fish with torpedoes. They made him look like a submarine and they gave him torpedoes. Feel like they should’ve seen this coming. Solar Man. Now he investigates solar things, I guess. He also apparently developed an exercise routine. I don’t know why they needed to put that in the flavor text, but it definitely put him in the “Sure???” category. Top Man. I’ll give ya… I’ll give you a guess about what he does. Did you guess “explore other planets?” Because yeah, that’s what he was designed for. Why the FUCK is he a top? God these are all so good. We’re getting into the categories where I can’t stop laugh… *clears throat* *deep breath* Serious. Snake Man. *laughter from everyone in the studio* He, uh, was supposed to explore other planets that had crevasses. And he’s a snake. Gyro Man. He was supposed to be a really good plane, but then Wily ran out of money, so they just stuck a propellor on his back. Plant Man manages plants. Pharaoh Man. Only supposed to explore ruins. Blast Man. He manages fireworks. Fireworks are dangerous. Don’t play with fireworks. But also, maybe, don’t make a robot to play with them. I love Nitro Man. I’m gonna be honest, I do feel kind of bad putting him into the “Sure???” category. Uh, because Nitro Man was built specifically to do motorcycle stunts in movies. The thing I really love about Nitro Man is that he’s the president of a stunt robot club. Which I think is just wonderful. He’s still not useful. Here’s where thing get a little bit difficult for me. Burst Man was built to be a guard. I’m not sure about robot, highly armed guards. But since he was specifically a guard… I keep saying specifically. I figure, like, that’s still defensive, and so… I’ll put him here. But it’s a good segue! In the Mega Man games, not every robot was made by Dr. Wily or Dr. Light. And in fact, there were some robots that were made by other robots. Or were made extraterrestrially. Or were made specifically as a joke, like “I can’t find my keys, man!” I’m gonna put them kind of as the split in the middle to say, “Hey, these are nebulous, but they’re definitely not good.” Now that we’ve got this hard line of good to bad, even though, to be honest, I think that the line should be here. It’s time for us to talk about the bad robots. J.J. Abrams. Some of these robots were built specifically to murder. We can all agree that that is bad. I’m gonna put all of these murder robots over on the very bad side. We also have a bunch of characters that are Sonic robots. That is an affront to nature. They’re in the bad side, too. I also didn’t even print out all of the NetNavis from Mega Man Battle Network even though I love those games because those were software built with the specific intention of being mean online. And that’s just Twitter. I do just want to point out Aircon Man, who was a robot sent from the future to destroy the world. And he’s also an air conditioning unit. Now *kick* let’s get into the fun part. These robots have absolutely no reason to be sentient. Chemistry Man. He’s from the new cartoon. He apparently taught chemistry classes that were so boring, he put kids to sleep. And then he took it really personally, and decided to become evil. Sheep Man. He’s a shepard actually. Tundra Man. Built to do similar things to all of the high echelon frozen people, but I’m including him over here because he got really bored at his job and then decided to become an ice skater. This is why you don’t make sentient robots, I guess. Hypno Woman. She was a therapist who hypnotized people into bad things. DJ Jazzy J4-8950… is a boombox. You are a magnet. Plug Man charged electrical things. Like a plug could do. Strike Man sounds cool, but he’s just a baseball throwing machine. It’s me. Spring Man can… jump? Bright Man. Built to explore dark places. Kinda like a FLASHLIGHT. Cold Man’s a refrigerator. Seriously. Sword Man. He was developed to hold a sword that Wily stole from a place. He’s not a sentient murder robot. He’s a sentient picture frame. Things that don’t really need to be sentient? A vacuum. It’s Dust Man. Although, Dust Man is quoted as saying, “Don’t let me suck more than I can handle!” So you know what, actually, I take this back. He’s more important than Chill Man. We’ve already done the worthwhile ones. We’ve talked about the construction ones. We’ve talked about the ones that are “eh whaat uh sure w-okay thas fine.” We have all of the ones that are alien. And we’ve got the ones that really didn’t need to be sentient. We are left with the dregs of robotic society. I call this category… NO. We’ll start with Crystal Man. He was built to make crystals so that Dr. Wily could sell them for money. Turbo Man is a car. Or rather, he used to be a car, but then he was turned into turbo man. Charge Man. Is he a train? No. But he’s meant to camouflage as one. I think Dr. Wily’s just real into trains. You know what I think about when I think of “Safety Operations Manager?” A big man full of magma. Built to make sure a plant kept safe, but also had a bunch of cauldrons full of boiling magma in him. Time Man. He’s a time machine. That never goes well. Acid Man was built to be a chemist. What’s he good for, titrations? That's a chemistry joke. Centaur Man. He... was a tour guide. Just hire a 16 year old. Like, they need the job. Shark Man DOS. Shark Man DOS not need to exist. Oh we’ve been doing this for like five hours. *CLAP CLAP* Goddamnit. Magic Man was built to be a magician in like a traveling circus sort of show. And then he was not turned evil, he just decided to conscript in King’s army because he wanted to show off. Here’s the big rule of thumb: magicians are always evil. Shade Man. He looks like a vampire, doesn’t he? It’s ‘cause he was built to look like one. He was an animatronic robot in a haunted house. Somebody thought we should make that creepy animatronic robot sentient. PHEW remember how Centaur Man was a tour guide? Well so was Dynamo Man. But they also made him constantly shoot off electricity. That’s a bad tour guide. When they got into, like, the late game stages, they were just like, “I dunno, he’s a tour guide for a thing.” Torch Man was built to teach kids about fire safety in the woods. Which is kind of like if Smokey the Bear was CONSTANTLY ON FIRE. You thought torch man was bad, let me tell ya about Burner Man, who was made, and I quote, “to bring harm to natural environments.” Technically not murder. Definitely bad. Remember how I said that a lot of these guys were tour guides? Well let me tell you about Blade Man. Built to show off an old castle full of swords. And also was a sword. Tengu Man. Makes typhoons. HOOOKAY. We’re at the final three here. We’ve made it. And I’d say that these three really hammer home the point that we should not be making sentient robots. We’ve got Pirate Man. Not a murder robot. But was built to do pirate things, like steal from other ships. He does look cool as hell, though. The second to last robot is not actually a terrible robot idea. But it is a testament to just how trash human beings are. Bounce Man was built to be a crash test dummy. Some asshole thought, “Hey, you know that thing we throw against a wall, many miles-per-hour, every single day, multiple times a day? You know what would make that better? IF IT COULD FEEL PAIN.” WHAT? Luckily, Bounce Man bounced from that job and then became an exercise instructor. Humans are trash. Finally, we’ve come to number one. Clown Man. Who has ever watched a clown and thought to themselves, “Boy, I wish that thing never got tired!" Clown Man is terrible, and I’m not saying that clowns are terrible. Okay? Clowns serve their purpose. They’re creepy. Sometimes good. And… You know what, I do take that back, clowns don’t serve a purpose. That’s it. All 200+ Mega Man robot masters, of which 15 are kind of okay. Elon Musk: don’t get any ideas. This is what man has wrought. You will see these men in your nightmares. Particularly, Spring Man. Jumping around. Make sure to like this video and subscribe to Polygon. And maybe leave a comment about what I should take care of next. Because this… was bad.

Channel: Polygon

Views: 2,552,200

Rating: 4.9662042 out of 5

Keywords: mega man, brian david gilbert, bdg, unraveled, robot, robot master, mega man x, wily, light, doctor, dr, comprehensive, overly, suit, videogames, video games, polygon, mega man 11, battle network, sentient, ai, uprising, robotic, nes, proto man, elon, artificial intelligence, platformer, blaster, tie, absurd, funny, hilarious, lore, every, all

Id: zum81Rwa2fw

Length: 16min 59sec (1019 seconds)

Published: Sun Nov 11 2018

Reddit Comments

[u/Spyriax]

this series has a name now

[u/modiste]

I love this video, but even more I love that his nails are painted to match his shirt and tie. That is fine work there.

[u/TheProudBrit]

My only knowledge of Mega Man comes from the Protomen, but I adored this.

[u/jade_onehitter]

I want to like this. I should like this! but I've never played Meggers Man and my eyes glazed over about 30 seconds in.