This Man Will Never Get A Date

online dating is pretty tough i remember when i was a single man using tinder my go-to line was do you like brendan fraser movies it worked a tremendous success it was like a real-life cheat code for getting laid but i understand not everyone's going to be as suave as i was however i'd argue nobody has less game than the guy i'm about to show you this should lift your spirits if you ever feel bad about yourself like damn i suck at online dating just know you'll never be as bad as this living breathing organism i'm about to show you for those that have been around the channel for a while you'll know that i've always enjoyed reading horrible flirting as well as just really disastrous like romance attempts online i used to have a whole series going through facebook flirting which is where i learned about you know [ __ ] lasagna as well as also a line i still use today put your ass in my [ __ ] baby things like that i've always loved it i don't really make content around it anymore but today i had to come out of retirement i had to dust off the old championship belt here for this one because i saw this on reddit and i was smiling ear to ear it is so bad so this is where our journey begins now again this was posted to reddit so there's like a 90 chance it's fake but god damn it i'm gonna suspend disbelief and just enjoy the ride now of course i'm not an expert here rick wouldn't call me into the shop on pawn stars to check the authenticity of this piece but there are countless of very real examples with pathetic dudes that go just like this so there is a good chance it's real so these two have been talking for a little while and my man comes in with the clown shoes and asks are you on birth control i know it's a personal question but kind of important to know and then they say okay i'm canceling wednesday this could have gone better this is sub-optimal this is a rough start right here if it was a speed run this would be a reset this is uh about as bad as you could expect he immediately ruined the date that they had planned by just immediately going full hog and just sending it and from there there was no recovering and it gets real bad he does not handle this super well there was no grace or elegance well i'm kidding dude relax he's just yeah it's just stand-up comedy honestly he's practicing his material why are you overreacting i'm uncomfortable with these jokes okay sorry i'll stop okay no i'm still cancelling it and now we get into his joker arc well that's really your loss for being so uptight but okay i'll just go to work and make 900 in 12 hours really you're overreacting seriously and you're wondering and you wonder why you're single yawn still waiting for your reply lol i actually had you double booked with another girl so i'm kinda happy you decided to be a psycho you sure you want to cancel it this is a full rollercoaster worth of emotion here this man's hitting all five stages of denial within six text messages this [ __ ] goes insane oh style quick so let's uh break it down piece by piece you know at first it's like okay you're missing out on a catch i'm the perfect guy i'm a real [ __ ] man check my kd in fortnite i'm nuts and you know what [ __ ] you i'm just gonna go make 900 in 12 hours at my job because i'm pulling fat racks i've got stacks on stacks like i'm kind of nutty i'm one of the wealthiest men in the world in fact then you can see panicked start to set in when the money play didn't pan out i'm guessing like five minutes had passed and he was already hyperventilating and breathing into a paper bag to calm himself down so he tries to like put it on her like something's wrong with her she's overreacting why are you just freaking out over nothing it's like that's seen an airplane with that girl who's like afraid of flying so they start like shaking her hey get a hold of yourself come on get a hold of yourself it was just a joke so then he goes right into his bad boy mode he puts on his sunglasses and trench coat and says you know what actually this is good for me i double booked you with another girl so the fact that your psycho is helpful for me because now i can just go to this other girl in fact i was just trying to have like 10 girls to have sex with on the same day and you were just one of the many so it's not that big of a deal but are you sure you want to cancel like i'm totally telling the truth but are you like sure you want to cancel i love that attempt it's like i'm so desirable actually in fact i totally forgot i'd already had another girl that i was gonna [ __ ] this day so it's fine and then has the audacity to call her a psycho and i love the way that he says it i double booked this man has clearly never actually had a date in his life it's like he's just penciling it in on a calendar as if it's like a part of his job now we make a transition into act three here into just full-blown neediness and scary obsession please call me please i'm at work dude lol i know i'm just being incredibly annoying to show you how most guys act so maybe you'll realize i'm not that bad so i'll see you wednesday that doesn't even make sense you were fine until that joke this is a hail mary this man hatched the ultimate plan so after he realized that by begging to be called back it was a bit much a rare moment of self-reflection he's like okay yeah that's a bit weird so then he's like how do i get out of this now i've got it i was actually just pretending to be needy and obsessed it was called acting i was actually just doing this to show you what most other simpletons do not a sophisticated nice guy like me so i'll see you wednesday right dude i was kidding with you it's a joke you do know i'm a doctor right my brain thinks at a much higher level than yours or the average person it wasn't even sexual it was a joke and i said if you don't like those type of jokes i won't joke like that anymore this should be the end of it you should be like okay cool and then if i do it again then you get pissed yeah he's a doctor dr love baby this guy's good this is real smooth i i i have to imagine he's not actually a doctor i mean maybe [ __ ] dr evil i have no clue but regardless i love that he's like i actually just have such a galaxy brain i'm thinking on a totally different level than you and all of these other plebeians i'm just too [ __ ] smart that's my curse that's the burden i bear i'm too intelligent which is why i made this joke and the joke is a thinking man's joke it's actually a a an anti-joke in fact you know how there's like matter and anti-matter this is an anti-joke and now i'm explaining it to you so you don't have the right to get mad about it you see you're just wrong for getting upset about it and it's because i'm so much smarter than you and i understand that it's not your fault for being [ __ ] stupid but just know that since i'm a doctor i know what's right and what's wrong when it comes to joking you off just get pissed right off the bat and be all rude to someone that's a major turn off and just no yeah she was the one being rude she he was nice enough to give you like a warning that she's cancelling she's like hey you're a [ __ ] weirdo when i'm canceling she could have just said nothing and not showed up on wednesday wasting your time by going there and you just sit there all [ __ ] soft [ __ ] in hand waiting and just not even getting a response but she was nice enough to like cancel to your face like that's far more than you deserved okay so rant over are we cool now yeah i think things are good now i i actually i'm reading the room and it looks like he he may have solved this problem here and fixed everything you just you just talk [ __ ] to me all i said was i'm canceling it i didn't do what did talk [ __ ] to someone what those are not coherent sentences of course i'm talking [ __ ] to you you just flaked after i asked for that night off do you know how hard it is for you to get it do you know how hard it is for me to get a night off work continuing further let's just stop this childish nonsense i'll see you wednesday right this is that [ __ ] don't take no for an answer which i think is honestly the worst advice you can ever give someone no is like the most important answer you should accept by not accepting no's you're just gonna go to jail at some point like you're just asking for some kind of awful thing to happen to you like no is an important thing to recognize and respect and then they respond you do not need to criticize my sentences change of mind and telling you about it doesn't really make it flaking i was up front you said you already booked another date with someone else go enjoy it i don't know why you're trying i don't know why you're trying to with me especially since you think so little of me already mandy own full-blown car salesman just meet me wednesday i'm sorry okay just will not drop it there's no chance she shows up on wednesday this is coming across like an actual serial killer now who's just scratching at his neck for his next victim like he just cannot help but just keep saying you're coming wednesday i know you are you're going to meet me here wednesday call me immediately i'm at work i'm not going to take the call okay then we are meeting wednesday right are we cool i feel like she might be talking to king ghidorah here just three separate heads all talking at once and all having different thoughts one of them is just a [ __ ] android that can only say wednesday one of them is just like a spiteful lunatic who thinks that there's some galaxy brain intellect that can't help put [ __ ] on her and then one of them is just like a lobotomized zombie who just constantly just keeps asking are we cool are we good now it's wild like the swings this guy goes through on these text messages here then he goes all in saying look my mom recently died okay so i'm kind of not really in the best place to be messed with so if you can understand that so if you could understand that would be great please dude please answer me can you please stop being immature and call me now admittedly she was being very immature about this whole situation by not understanding such level-headed remarks from a gentleman like this it really was her being immature clearly and i also can't help but respect the actual xbox live tactic of saying his mom died that is unironically 2005 xbox live [ __ ] right there like your mom's a [ __ ] mom's dead and it's supposed to be like the checkmate he actually tried it it's like oh mom's dead so now you have to excuse everything i've said and you have to go on this date with me i'll see you wednesday right come on stop being immature so yeah anyway that's where this story wraps up hopefully if some of you are shitty at online dating this will help you feel a little bit better and maybe help you improve in that respect in some way hopefully none of you are as bad as this guy or anywhere close but if you're just kind of you know awkward and uncomfortable when it comes to conversations via text maybe this will lift your spirits up a little bit because you're probably not as bad as this guy anyway that's about it see ya

Channel: penguinz0

Views: 7,653,599

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Id: X_albKfraUQ

Length: 10min 24sec (624 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 05 2022