Man: FIVE SECONDS. Oprah: TODAY ON "SUPER SOUL
SUNDAY," MORE CONVERSATION WITH BEST-SELLING AUTHOR DR.
BRENé BROWN. I SAW ALL YOUR FACEBOOK POSTS. I KNOW YOU KNOW THIS IS GOOD
STUFF, SUPER SOULERS. SHE REVEALS THE SECRETS OF
HAPPY PEOPLE. WHOLEHEARTED PEOPLE, MEN AND
WOMEN WHO ARE ALL-IN. AND SHE SHEDS LIGHT ON A TABOO
TOPIC RARELY SPOKEN ABOUT SHAME. I THINK SHAME IS LETHAL, AND I THINK WE ARE SWIMMING IN
IT DEEP. SO DEEP THAT BRENé BELIEVES IT'S AT THE CORE OF OUR
BIGGEST STRUGGLES. THIS IS GONNA FREAK YOU OUT. SHAME HIGHLY CORRELATED WITH
ADDICTION, EATING DISORDERS, BULLYING,
AND AGGRESSION. HOW YOU CAN STOP SHAME IN ITS
TRACKS. DAMN, THAT IS GOOD! PLUS, BRENé BROWN'S "PARENTING
MANIFESTO." CALLING ALL PARENTS. YOU NEED
TO HEAR THIS. IT COULD TRANSFORM YOUR
FAMILY. I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN READ IT
WITHOUT CRYING. GET READY FOR A JOY-FILLED
HOUR, JAM-PACKED WITH A LOT OF
AHAs. YOU ARE AN "AHA" VERIFIER. [ LAUGHS ] AND A GLIMPSE INTO WHAT
WHOLEHEARTED LIVING LOOKS LIKE ON A FARM... [ COW MOOS ] ...IN THIS WEEK'S "SUPER SOUL"
ORIGINAL SHORT. HOLY COW. THAT WAS REALLY SOMETHING. "SUPER SOUL SUNDAY" STARTS
RIGHT NOW. I WANTED A PLACE FOR PEOPLE TO
GO EVERY SUNDAY TO WAKE UP. THOUGHT-PROVOKING... OH, YOU COULDN'T HAVE SAID
THAT BETTER. ...EYE-OPENING, AND INSPIRING. THIS IS MY FAVORITE THING TO
TALK ABOUT. THIS WILL LIFT YOU RIGHT ON
UP. IT'S FOOD FOR YOUR SOUL. EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY. THIS IS "SUPER SOUL SUNDAY." LAST TIME BRENé WAS HERE, WE HAD AN EYE-OPENING
AHA-FILLED CONVERSATION ABOUT HER BEST-SELLING BOOK
"DARING GREATLY." WE HAVE TO DARE GREATLY AND DO
ANOTHER SHOW. THAT'S IT. I'LL BE RIGHT HERE. OKAY. [ LAUGHS ] I SAW ALL OF YOUR TWEETS AND
FACEBOOK POSTINGS, AND I KNOW THAT YOU, TOO,
LEARNED SO MUCH ABOUT A FULFILLING LIFE. IT TAKES COURAGE, RISK-TAKING, AND BRENé SAYS A WILLINGNESS
TO BE VULNERABLE. YOU CAN'T GET TO COURAGE WITHOUT WALKING THROUGH
VULNERABILITY PERIOD. BACK IN 2010, BRENé DID JUST
THAT. SHE USED HER PERSONAL
SPIRITUAL AWAKENING AS THE INSPIRATION FOR A
LECTURE THAT WENT VIRAL WITH MORE THAN 8.5 MILLION
VIEWS. IN HER BOOK "DARING GREATLY," BRENé BROWN HAS A TOP TEN
TO-DO LIST OF WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A
WHOLEHEARTED PERSON A PERSON WHO BELIEVES IN THEIR
WORTHINESS AND IS RESILIENT TO SHAME. LAST TIME BRENé AND I TALKED, WE GOT THROUGH FIVE OF THE
GUIDEPOSTS... THIS IS WHY I WANTED TO DO A
SECOND SHOW. FIRST OF ALL, COULDN'T GET IT
ALL IN IN THE FIRST SHOW. BUT WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT
SHAME AND HOW IT RULES OUR
EXISTENCE, AND WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT
SHAME AND FEAR AND HOW THE TWO OF THOSE WORK
TOGETHER, AND I WANT TO FINISH TODAY
WITH THE REMAINING FIVE WAYS PRINCIPLES OF
WHOLEHEARTEDNESS. YOU SAY CULTIVATING CREATIVITY
AND LETTING GO OF COMPARISON. YEAH. I NEVER THOUGHT OF IT
THAT WAY. CREATIVITY HAS TO BE
CULTIVATED. IT DOES. YES. AND I THOUGHT, BEFORE, THAT BEFORE THE BREAKDOWN,
SPIRITUAL AWAKENING IF YOU WOULD'VE CALLED AND
SAID, "HEY, DO YOU WANT TO GO A
PAINTING CLASS OR SCRAPBOOK," I WOULD BE LIKE, "HA, THAT'S
CUTE." [ LAUGHS ] "NO." "THAT'S SWEET." "YEAH, THAT'S
NEAT. YOU GO DO YOUR A.R.T. 'CAUSE I
GOT A J.O.B." [ LAUGHS ] AND, YOU KNOW, THAT KIND OF
THING. AND THEN, WHEN I REALIZED THAT ALL OF THESE WHOLEHEARTED
MEN AND WOMEN HAD IN COMMON WAS THEY CULTIVATED CREATIVITY PAINTING, PHOTOGRAPHY,
REBUILDING ENGINES, COOKING THEY DID SOMETHING CREATIVE, AND THEN IT BECAME VERY CLEAR
TO ME IN THE DATA, THIS UNUSED CREATIVITY IS NOT
BENIGN. WHAT IS IT? IT METASTASIZES. IT TURNS INTO GRF, RAGE,
JUDGMENT, SORROW, SHAME. WOW. BUT WE ARE DIVINE BEINGS, AND
WE ARE, BY NATURE, CREATIVE. WOW. AND IT GETS LOST ALONG THE
WAY. IT GETS SHAMED OUT OF US. IT GETS, YOU KNOW I'VE WATCHED
IT WITH MY KIDS. UNUSED CREATIVITY ISN'T
BENIGN. IT GETS METASTASIZED. IT DOES. IT'S DANGEROUS. IT ALSO GOES BACK TO WHAT WE
TALKED ABOUT IN THE FIRST SHOW ABOUT GRATITUDE AND JOY. YES. YES. ALSO HAS TO BE
CULTIVATED. IT HAS TO BE CULTIVATED. OKAY. CULTIVATING PLAY AND REST. OH,
I DON'T DO THAT. I DON'T, EITHER. I DON'T DO
THAT. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT WAS
WHEN I SAW IT. SO, I GOOGLE "ADULT PLAY,"
WHICH IS A HORRIBLE IDEA. [ LAUGHS ] IT WAS LIKE WHACK-A-MOLE PORN
SITES. AND I FIND OUT THAT THERE'S
ALL THESE RESEARCHERS STUART BROWN ABOUT THE
IMPORTANCE OF PLAY. AND YOU KNOW WHAT HIS FIRST
DEFINITION IS OF "PLAY?" WHAT? TIME SPENT WITHOUT PURPOSE. WOW. I CALL THAT AN ANXIETY ATTACK. YES, I DO, TOO. I MEAN, I WAS HOME SICK WITH
THE FLU, AND I WAS LIKE, "OKAY, YOU CAN GIVE YOURSELF
THIS DAY, "BUT NO, I NEED TO BE READING, "I NEED TO CATCH UP ON THIS, I
NEED TO DO THIS, AND SO I'LL SURROUND MYSELF
WITH ALL MY THINGS IN BED." YEAH, I REALLY HAVE GOT TO
LEARN HOW TO DO THAT. I'M LEARNING, BUT IT'S
SUPER-HARD. IT'S REALLY SUPER-HARD. I GOT, LIKE, SHAME GREMLINS. YES, SHAME GREMLINS COME UP
LIKE "A WHOLE DAY IS WHAT HAVE YOU
DONE? IT'S 4:00. WHAT HAVE YOU
ACCOMPLISHED?" AND SOMETIMES I GOT
COMPLICATED SHAME GREMLINS, AND SOMETIMES I THINK, IF I
WERE REALLY SKINNY, I COULD
PLAY, BUT I ALWAYS NEED TO BE
PROVING THAT I'M A HARD WORKER. YEAH. JUST AS I SAID TO SOMEBODY THE
OTHER DAY, I LOVE A RAINY DAY. AND THEY SAID, "OH, WELL, I
LIKE RAINY DAYS, TOO." I SAY, "YEAH, BECAUSE, YOU
KNOW, SUNNY DAYS TOO MUCH EXPECTATION." [ LAUGHS ] SUNNY DAYS ARE TOO DEMANDING. I FEEL LIKE I GOT TO GO OUT, I
GOT TO HAVE A PICNIC, I GOT TO BIKE RIDE. YEAH, I GOT TO DO IT, YEAH. I LOVE A RAINY DAY. TAKES THE
PRESSURE OFF. CULTIVATING CALM AND STILLNESS LETTING GO OF ANXIETY AS A
LIFESTYLE. DOES THAT MEAN GIVING YOURSELF
QUIET TIME EVERY DAY? NO. IT MEANS LEARNING HOW TO BE
CALM CALM AS A PRACTICE, LIKE I'M
NOUVEAU-CALM. I'VE LEARNED HOW TO BE CALM. [ LAUGHS ] YOU KNOW WHAT CALM PEOPLE DO?
WHAT? THEY HAVE THINGS IN COMMON.
THEY'RE BREATHERS. YEAH. SO, IF YOU CAME UP TO ME AND
SAY, "HEY, DID YOU HEAR THE NEW
NEWS?" CALM PEOPLE GO... [ INHALES DEEPLY ] AND THEY THEN THEY TAKE IT IN. YEAH, THEN THEY GO, "TELL ME." THEY'RE LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU
MEAN THEY SAID THIS? WHO'S THEY?" THEY ASK
QUESTIONS. THEY BREATHE. AND THEN THEIR BIG QUESTION IS "DO I HAVE ENOUGH DATA TO
FREAK OUT, AND WILL FREAKING OUT BE
HELPFUL?" SO NOW I JUST PRACTICE. IT'S A
PRACTICE. LIKE ALL GOOD THINGS WE WANT
TO BE EASY. THEY'RE A PRACTICE. YES. CULTIVATING MEANINGFUL WORK LETTING GO OF SELF-DOUBT AND
"SUPPOSED TOs." YOU GOT TO DO SOMETHING YOU
LOVE, AND IF YOU'RE LUCKY ENOUGH TO DO SOMETHING YOU LOVE THAT
PAYS THE BILLS, THAT'S AWESOME. BUT THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE REALLY FOUND
WHOLEHEARTEDNESS BY MAYBE I'M A CPA DURING THE
DAY, BUT AT NIGHT, I MAKE JEWELRY,
AND I SELL IT ON ETSY. MM-HMM. OR I'M A CANDLE MAKER, OR I
WRITE POETRY. WE GOT TO FIND SOMETHING
MEANINGFUL ABOUT WHAT WE PRODUCE. OTHERWISE, YOUR LIFE HAS NONE. IT'S REALLY HARD TO FIND
PURPOSE. YEAH, ABSOLUTELY. CULTIVATING LAUGHTER, SONG,
AND DANCE. I LOVE THIS ONE. I HATED THAT ONE. [ LAUGHS ] I LOVE THIS ONE. IN FACT, MY DOCTORAL STUDENTS
CALLED ME OUT. I SENT THE BOOK IN WITHOUT
THAT IN THERE. AND THEY SAID, "WHERE'S
LAUGHTER, SONG, AND DANCE?" I'M LIKE, "DUDE, I AM ALREADY PUSHING THE
LIMITS AS AN ACADEMIC. I CANNOT INCLUDE LIKE... [
LAUGHS ] YOU KNOW, LAUGHTER, SONG, AND
DANCE." AND THEY'RE LIKE, "IT'S THE
DATA. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE." AND SO, WHAT WE HAVE TO LET GO
OF IN ORDER TO LAUGH MORE AND
LAUGH LOUD AND BE IS... IS CONTROL! ...CONTROL AND COOL. COOL IS DANGEROUS. COOL IS THE EMOTIONAL
STRAITJACKET. WOW. AND I DON'T LIKE TO BE SILLY
OR AWKWARD OR UNCOOL, AND SO WHAT MOST OF US DO IS
WE GET TO THE POINT WHERE WE NEVER DO ANYTHING
THAT WE'RE NOT ALREADY GOOD AT, AND WE DON'T LAUGH TOO LOUD OR
DANCE TOO CRAZY, YOU KNOW, AND THAT STUFF'S SOULFUL AND
IMPORTANT. YEAH. YEAH. I THINK SHAME IS LETHAL. I THINK SHAME IS DEADLY, AND I THINK WE ARE SWIMMING IN
IT DEEP. WE'RE DIVING IN, PEOPLE, TO HELP OURSELVES GET TO THE
BOTTOM OF OUR SHAME. "SUPER SOUL SUNDAY" WILL BE
RIGHT BACK. Oprah: BRENé BROWN IS THE
AUTHOR OF THREE BOOKS "I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ME,"
"THE GIFTS OF IMPERFECTION," AND "DARING GREATLY." HER FIRST BOOK EXPLORES A
TOPIC THAT IS SELDOM SPOKEN
ABOUT SHAME. SO, FIRST OF ALL, LET'S JUST
TALK ABOUT SHAME. YOU'VE STUDIED IT. I DID. NOT MANY PEOPLE HAVE STUDIED
IT. NO. IN FACT, I WANTED TO STUDY IT,
AND A LOT OF PEOPLE SAID, "NO, DON'T STUDY IT, DON'T
STUDY IT." AND THEN I WAS KIND OF A
RABBLE-ROUSER YOU KNOW, A HELL-RAISER AND SO
I THOUGHT, OH, NO, THEN I'M GONNA STUDY IT
DEFINITELY IF I SHOULDN'T STUDY
IT. AND I GO TO THE STACKS AT THE
LIBRARY AT OUR COLLEGE, AND THE FIRST ARTICLE I PULL
SAYS THE DECISION TO STUDY
SHAME HAS BEEN THE DEATH OF MANY
ACADEMIC CAREERS. [ LAUGHS ] OH, MY GOODNESS. I WAS LIKE, "STUDENT LOANS,
DEATH OF THE CAREER." I'M LIKE, "OH, MY GOD." WOW. YEAH. YOU KNOW WHY? WHY? NOBODY WANTS TO TALK ABOUT IT. YES. WE HAVE A VISCERAL REACTION TO
THE WORD "SHAME." SO, YOU SAY THAT IF YOU'RE
LIKE ON AN AIRPLANE, AND SOMEBODY SAYS, "OH, WHAT
DO YOU DO?" AND YOU SAY, "STUDY SHAME," PEOPLE LITERALLY TURN THE
OTHER WAY. I HAVE ANSWERS BASED ON
WHETHER I WANT TO CHAT OR NOT. YES. "I STUDY COURAGE." "OH,
DA-DA-DA." "I STUDY SHAME." "OH. UH...THESE ANGRY BIRDS
ARE FANTASTIC, AREN'T THEY?" AND THAT'S IT. WRAP IT UP. THE 1-2-3s ABOUT SHAME WE ALL
HAVE IT. IT'S THE MOST HUMAN, PRIMITIVE
EMOTION THAT WE EXPERIENCE. HOW DO YOU DEFINE IT? THE INTENSELY PAINFUL FEELING THAT WE ARE UNWORTHY OF LOVE
AND BELONGING. AND DOES IT OCCUR AFTER A
PARTICULAR INCIDENT, OR DOES IT OCCUR OVER, YOU
KNOW, MANY LIFE EXPERIENCES? BOTH. BOTH. IT COULD IT COULD HAPPEN IN AN
INSTANT. YOU KNOW, THERE ARE SPECIFIC
MEMORIES THAT WE CAN RECALL THAT CAN BRING UP SHAME FOR
US. BUT THERE ALSO VERY INSIDIOUS,
QUIET MESSAGES THAT WE JUST MARINATE IN OVER
A LIFETIME. THIS IS WHAT I'VE ALWAYS KNOWN
ABOUT AND TRIED TO GET ACROSS TO
PEOPLE. I DON'T THINK I WAS SUCCESSFUL
AT IT, REALLY, IN THE 25 YEARS OF THE "OPRAH"
SHOW. THE THING ABOUT ABUSE, AND
PARTICULARLY SEXUAL ABUSE, MOST PEOPLE THINK IT'S ABOUT
THE SEX. IT'S REALLY ABOUT THE SHAME
THAT OCCURS AFTER THE SEX, AND IT'S KEEPING IT THE
SECRET, AND WE'RE ONLY AS LIBERATED AS
OUR SECRETS, AND THE SECRET CREATES THE
SHAME, AND YOU END UP FEELING LIKE
YOU'RE A BAD PERSON, AND IT'S THE SAME THAT DAMAGES
YOUR LIFE. THE ACTUAL ACT ITSELF, PEOPLE
CAN GET OVER THAT, BUT IT'S THE SHAME THAT YOU
CARRY WITH IT. THERE IS NO QUESTION IN MY
MIND THAT THAT'S TRUTH. THAT'S JUST TRUTH. YEAH. I THINK SHAME IS LETHAL. I THINK SHAME IS DEADLY, AND I THINK WE ARE SWIMMING IN
IT DEEP. DO PEOPLE RECOGNIZE IT,
THOUGH? I THINK PEOPLE DON'T RECOGNIZE
IT. PEOPLE HAVE ONE OR TWO
REACTIONS WHEN I SAY "SHAME." THEY SAY, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, BUT THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO
WITH ME," OR "I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT, AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT
THAT." BUT HERE'S THE BOTTOM LINE
WITH SHAME THE LESS YOU TALK ABOUT IT,
THE MORE YOU GOT IT. SHAME NEEDS THREE THINGS TO
GROW EXPONENTIALLY IN OUR LIVES SECRECY, SILENCE, AND
JUDGMENT. SO, YOU PUT SHAME IN A PETRI
DISH, AND YOU DOUSE IT WITH A LITTLE
SECRECY, A LITTLE SILENCE, AND A LITTLE
JUDGMENT. IT GROWS EXPONENTIALLY. IT WILL CREEP INTO EVERY
CORNER AND CREVICE OF YOUR
LIFE. AND SHAPE ALL OF YOUR SHAPE
EVERYTHING. SHAPE EVERYTHING THE WAY YOU
THINK, THE WAY YOU THINK ABOUT
YOURSELF, THE WAY YOU THINK ABOUT
PEOPLE, THE WAY YOU INTERACT WITH
OTHER PEOPLE, WHAT YOU DO, THE CHOICES YOU
MAKE, WHO YOU MARRY, WHO ALL OF IT. YEAH. YOU PUT THE SAME AMOUNT OF
SHAME IN A PETRI DISH, AND YOU DOUSE IT WITH EMPATHY, YOU'VE CREATED AN ENVIRONMENT
THAT IS HOSTILE TO SHAME. SHAME CANNOT SURVIVE BEING
SPOKEN. IT CANNOT SURVIVE EMPATHY. SO, IF I CALL YOU IF SOMETHING REALLY SHAMING
HAPPENS TO ME, AND I CALL YOU, AND I SAY,
"OH, GOD, OPRAH, IT'S BRENé. "YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE WHAT
HAPPENED. I'M IN SUCH DEEP SHAME." AND YOU SAY, "WHAT'S GOING
ON?" AND I TELL YOU, AND YOU
EXPRESS EMPATHY, SHAME CAN'T
SURVIVE IT. SHAME DEPENDS ON ME BUYING IN
TO THE BELF THAT I'M ALONE. YOU KNOW, I HAVE A GOOD FRIEND ROBERT HILLIKER, WHO I WORK
WITH, AND HE'S A THERAPIST AND HE ALWAYS SAYS, "HEY, KEEP
THE SHADOW UP HERE 'CAUSE IT CAN ONLY TAKE YOU
DOWN FROM BEHIND." WHOA. THAT'S GOOD. YEAH. WE TALKED ABOUT OUR SHADOWS A
LOT WHEN AUTHOR DEBBIE FORD
APPEARED ON "SUPER SOUL
SUNDAY." FIRST IDENTIFIED BY
PSYCHIATRIST CARL JUNG, THE SHADOW IS THE PART OF
OURSELVES THAT WE TRY TO HIDE. BUT OUR SHADOWS TEND TO CREEP
INTO OUR LIVES, HAUNTING US UNTIL THEY ARE
CONFRONTED DIRECTLY. IT'S NOT ABOUT GETTING RID OF
THE DARKNESS OR THE PAIN OR THE EVENTS THAT HAPPEN TO
US, BUT IT'S ABOUT BRINGING THE
LIGHT IN AND MAKING THE SHADOW LIGHT
INSTEAD OF HAVING IT USE US. KEEP THE SHADOW UP HERE. IN FRONT OF YOU. YES. 'CAUSE IT CAN ONLY TAKE YOU
DOWN FROM BEHIND. WOW. WHEN YOU'RE HIDING IT AND WHEN
YOU'RE NOT LETTING IT UP FRONT. DO YOU REMEMBER OF COURSE YOU
REMEMBER THAT EPISODE THAT YOU DID WHERE YOU TALKED ABOUT MEN AND
SEXUAL ABUSE. OH, YEAH, WITH THE 200 MEN AND
THE STANDING UP. THERE ARE 200 MEN STANDING IN
OUR STUDIO AUDIENCE RIGHT NOW. EACH ONE IS HOLDING A PICTURE
OF THEMSELVES AT THE AGE WHEN THEY SAY THEY
WERE FIRST SEXUALLY ABUSED. LIKE I, AS SOMEONE WHO STUDIES
SHAME, I JUST WEPT UNCONTROLLABLY. I WAS JUST I CAN'T EVEN THINK
ABOUT IT WITHOUT... WHAT IT TOOK FOR THOSE MEN TO
STAND THERE AND DO THAT? RIGHT. THAT KNOWS NO RACE, NO GENDER,
NO SOCIOECONOMIC STATUS. IT DOESN'T HANG OUT ON ONE
SIDE OF THE RAILROAD TRACK. ABSOLUTELY. SO, WE GOT TO TALK ABOUT
SHAME. AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S SO
IMPORTANT? I'VE NEVER TALKED ABOUT THIS
IN PUBLIC BEFORE. BUT THIS IS THE PERFECT PLACE
TO DO IT. ONE OF THE MOST DANGEROUS
THINGS, I THINK, ABOUT SHAME IS THIS IDEA OF WHAT I CALL
COMPARATIVE SUFFERING. THAT IT CAME TO ME IN A DAY
WHEN I WAS TEACHING A CLASS. I TEACH A CLASS ON SHAME, AND
IT'S ALL GRADUATE STUDENTS. IT'S GREAT. AND SOMEONE RAISED THEIR HAND
AND SAID, "I CAN'T TALK ABOUT MY SHAME
IN HERE "BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, I'M GOING
THROUGH A DIVORCE, BUT I KNOW SUSAN, YOU KNOW,
JUST LOST A CHILD." AND SUSAN SAID, "I DON'T TALK
ABOUT MY SHAME IN HERE 'CAUSE I KNOW JOHN, WHO WAS
SEXUALLY ABUSED." AND JOHN SAID, "NO, I DON'T
TALK ABOUT MY SHAME." WE RANK ORDER SUFFERING. WHOA. IT'S COMPARATIVE SUFFERING, AND THE THING IS COMPASSION IS
NOT A PIZZA. IT'S NOT FINITE. IT'S NOT LIKE, HEY, THERE ARE
EIGHT SLICES OF COMPASSION. AND IN ORDER FOR YOU TO GET
SOME, I NEED LESS. COMPASSION, EMPATHY INFINITE. IT GROWS EXPONENTIALLY. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHETHER YOU
DON'T HAVE THE WORST, DARKEST, HARDEST
STORY IN THE WORLD. IF YOU HAVE SHAME BECAUSE YOUR
BOSS RIDICULED YOU AND BELITTLED YOU IN FRONT OF
YOUR COLLEAGUES, THAT NEEDS TO HEAL, TOO. COMING UP, HOW TO NEGOTIATE
THE THIN LINE BETWEEN BEING VULNERABLE AND
OVERSHARING. YOU SHARE WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE
EARNED THE RIGHT TO HEAR YOUR STORY. DAMN, THAT IS GOOD! ARE BRENé BROWN'S WORDS
RESONATING WITH YOU? IF SO, THINK ABOUT HOW YOU CAN
DO YOUR PART TO FREE YOURSELF FROM SHAME. FACEBOOK OR TWEET ME USING THE
HASHTAG "NOSHAME." "SUPER SOUL SUNDAY" WE'LL BE
BACK IN A MOMENT. THIS IS WHAT I LOVE. THIS IS IN THE "THE GIFTS OF
IMPERFECTION," WHICH I THINK YOU KNOW, I READ
THIS FIRST, BUT I THINK YOU REALLY SHOULD
READ THIS FIRST. I THINK THAT'S A BETTER ORDER.
YES. YES, "THE GIFTS OF
IMPERFECTION" AND THEN "DARING
GREATLY," BECAUSE YOU'RE LIKE, "OOH, I
WANT TO EMBRACE THESE GIFTS AND
THESE THINGS," AND THEN I'M LIKE, "DUDE,
YOU'RE GONNA NEED SOME
VULNERABILITY." Oprah: IN HER SECOND BOOK,
"THE GIFTS OF IMPERFECTION," BRENé SAYS WE NEED TO LOOK BEFORE WE TAKE THE
VULNERABILITY LEAP AND CHOOSE CAREFULLY WHO WE
OPEN UP TO. SO, I LOVE IN "THE GIFTS OF
IMPERFECTION" WHERE YOU SAY, "WE SHARE A
SHAME STORY WITH THE WRONG
PERSON. THEY CAN EASILY BECOME ONE
MORE PCE OF FLYING DEBRIS" SO WELL-SAID "IN AN ALREADY
DANGEROUS STORM. "WE WANT SOLID CONNECTION IN A
SITUATION LIKE THIS, "SOMETHING AKIN TO A STURDY
TREE FIRMLY PLANTED IN THE
GROUND. "WE DEFINITELY WANT TO AVOID
THE FOLLOWING "THE FRIEND WHO HEARS A STORY "AND ACTUALLY FEELS SHAME FOR
YOU. "SHE GAFFS AND CONFIRMS HOW
HORRIFIED YOU SHOULD BE, "THEN THERE'S AWKWARD SILENCE. THEN YOU HAVE TO MAKE HERFEEL
BETTER." OH, YEAH. HAVE YOU EVER THAT
HAPPEN? OH, MY GOODNESS, WHERE YOU'RE
LIKE, "YEAH." SO NOW YOU HAVE TO PUT YOUR
SHINGLE UP FOR THAT PERSON. YEAH, NOW I'M STILL IN SHAME,
AND I AM ONE LESS FRIEND DOWN. I'M LIKE, "AND YOU'RE GONE." [ LAUGHS ] "THE FRIEND WHO RESPONDS WITH
SYMPATHY 'I FEEL SO SORRY FOR YOU'
RATHER THAN EMPATHY. "I GET IT. I FEEL WITH YOU,
AND I'VE BEEN THERE. "IF YOU WANT TO SEE A SHAME
CYCLONE TURN DEADLY, THROW ONE OF THESE AT IT 'OH,
YOU POOR THING.'" YES. "OR THE INCREDIBLY
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE SOUTHERN VERSION OF SYMPATHY" I LOVE THIS "'BLESS YOUR
HEART.'" YES. THAT GIVES ME THE SHIVERS WHEN
YOU SAY THAT. THAT'S LIKE, "I'M FIXING TO
TEAR YOU DOWN, AND GOD IS ON MY SIDE." YEAH. IT IS THE WORST. WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE. "THE FRIEND WHO NEEDS YOU TO
BE "THE PILLAR OF WORTHINESS AND
AUTHENTICITY. "SHE CAN'T HELP BECAUSE SHE'S
TOO DISAPPOINTED IN YOUR IMPERFECTIONS," 'CAUSE YOU LET HERDOWN. YES. PAINFUL. "THE FRIEND WHO IS SO
UNCOMFORTABLE WITH
VULNERABILITY THAT SHE SCOLDS 'HOW DID YOU
LET THIS HAPPEN?' THE FRIEND WHO'S ALL ABOUT
MAKING IT BETTER, AND, OUT OF HER OWN
DISCOMFORT, REFUSES TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT
YOU CAN ACTUALLY BE CRAZY AND MAKE TERRIBLE CHOICES. 'YOU'RE EXAGGERATING,' THE
PERSON SAYS. 'IT WASN'T THAT BAD.'" YES. "AND THE FRIEND WHO CONFUSES
CONNECTION "WITH THE OPPORTUNITY TO
ONE-UP YOU. 'WELL, THAT'S NOTHING. LISTEN
TO WHAT HAPPENED TO ME.'" SO, WHEN YOU OPEN YOURSELF UP
AND YOU'RE VULNERABLE ENOUGH TO SHARE SOMETHING THAT HAS
SHAMED YOU, WHAT ARE YOU REALLY LOOKING
FOR? I'M LOOKING FOR I'M LOOKING FOR THE PERSON WHO
LOVES ME NOT DESPITE MY VULNERABILITY
AND IMPERFECTION BUT BECAUSE OF IT. I'M LOOKING FOR WHAT I CALL MY
"MOVE THE BODY" FRIENDS. I'M LOOKING FOR THE FOLKS
WHO... [ EXHALES DEEPLY ] ...ARE GONNA SHOW UP AND WADE
THROUGH THE DEEP WITH ME. AND I THINK IT'S A MYTH THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE MORE THAN
ONE OR TWO OF THOSE. THE TV COMMERCIALS THAT SHOW
15 OF US LAUGHING AND DOING THAT KIND OF STUFF
UNH-UNH. YOU GOT ONE PERSON IN YOUR
LIFE WHO YOU CAN CALL AND SAY, "I JUST TOLD A BOLD-FACED LIE
TO SOMEONE I CARE ABOUT, "AND I HAVE NO WAY TO GET OUT
OF IT, AND I'M IN A SHAME STORM OF
EPIC PROPORTION." YOU HAVE ONE PERSON THAT LOOK
AT YOU AND SAY, "ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS
THING. I'M WITH YOU. I'VE DONE IT.
LET'S TALK IT THROUGH." YOU ARE SO LUCKY. AND IF YOU HAVE TWO OR THREE,
THAT'S IT. FORGET IT. LOTTERY. LOTTERY, LOTTERY. AND YOU KNOW WHAT WE ALL DO,
MYSELF INCLUDED, IS WE STEAMROLL OVER THOSE
PEOPLE TO GET THE ATTENTION AND
APPRECIATION OF THE PEOPLE WHO WILL NEVER
SHOW UP FOR US LIKE THAT. SO, LIKE, YOU MAY BE MY BEST
FRIEND AND YOU MIGHT BE AROUND ME ALL
THE TIME, BUT THOSE WOMEN AT THE MALL
THAT I DON'T KNOW, THEY'RE THE ONES I'M REALLY
WORRIED ABOUT. YEAH, TRYING TO PLEASE OR
PROVE YOURSELF TO THEM. AND YOU SAY, "OF COURSE, "WE'RE ALL CAPABLE OF BEING
THESE FRIENDS, "BUT ESPECIALLY IF SOMEONE
TELLS US A STORY THAT GETS RIGHT UP IN OUR OWN
SHAME." THAT'S WHEN IT HITS THE NERVE,
RIGHT? WE'RE HUMAN, IMPERFECT, AND
VULNERABLE. YEAH. YES. "IT'S HARD TO PRACTICE
COMPASSION "WHEN WE'RE STRUGGLING WITH
OUR OWN AUTHENTICITY OR WHEN OUR OWN WORTHINESS IS
OFF-BALANCED." AND YOU KNOW WHAT MEANS THE
MOST TO ME? WHAT MEANS THE MOST TO ME IS IF I GO TO SOMEONE WITH MY
SHAME STORY, AND MY WHOLE
MANTRA IS "YOU SHARE WITH PEOPLE WHO'VE
EARNED THE RIGHT TO HEAR YOUR STORY." DAMN, THAT IS GOOD! RIGHT? DOGGONE IT! THAT'S SO
GOOD. YOU HAVE TO EARN THE RIGHT TO
HEAR MY STORY. IT'S AN HONOR TO HOLD SPACE
FOR ME WHEN I'M IN SHAME. AND SO I WANT TO SHARE, AND IF
I SHARE WITH SOMEONE WE NEED TO JUST TAKE PAUSE
WITH THAT FOR A MOMENT, BECAUSE THIS IS HOW PEOPLE GET
SO MESSED UP AND VIOLATED. IT'S LIKE THE BIBLE SAYS CASTING YOUR PEARLS BEFORE
SWINE, YOU KNOW, OFFERING YOURSELF UP TO PEOPLE WHO DON'T DESERVE TO HAVE THAT
OFFERING. THAT'S RIGHT. AND YOU HAVE TO THINK LONG AND
HARD ABOUT WHO HAS EARNED THE RIGHT
TO HEAR THIS STORY AND WITH WHOM AM I IN A
RELATIONSHIP THAT CAN BEAR THE WEIGHT OF
THE STORY. WOW. THAT IS POWERFUL. AND IF I GO TO SOMEONE AND I
SHARE IT AND THEY COME BACK WITH ONE OF
THOSE BAD, LIKE NOT HELPFUL, NOT EMPATHIC
ANSWERS, AND THEN, A WEEK LATER, A DAY
LATER, AN HOUR LATER, THEY CALL AND SAY, "I DIDN'T
SHOW UP FOR YOU. YOU WERE SO MUCH IN MY STUFF,
I COULDN'T BE WITH YOU IN
THAT." THAT MEANS EVEN MORE TO ME. WE'RE NOT GONNA DO EMPATHY
PERFECTLY. MM-HMM. MM-HMM. WE'RE NOT GONNA HAVE THE RIGHT
RESPONSE EVERY TIME. DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? IT DOES. IT'S SO OVERWHELMINGLY
POWERFUL, I HAVE TO TAKE A
BREAK. I HAVE TO JUST TAKE A BREAK
RIGHT NOW. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. THAT WAS GREAT. YOU'RE REALLY
GOOD. THERE'S ONLY ONE VARIABLE THAT PREDICTS THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN SHAME AND HUMILIATION. AND THAT IS? OH, THIS IS BIG. I'M GONNA
WRITE THIS DOWN. THIS IS REALLY BIG. AND LATER, IN THIS WEEK'S
"SUPER SOUL" ORIGINAL SHORT, THE INSPIRING STORY OF A
FILMMAKER WHO DARED GREATLY AND FOUND HIS LIFE'S CALLING
IN AN UNEXPECTED PLACE. "SUPER SOUL SUNDAY" WE'LL BE
BACK IN A MOMENT. Oprah: WHEN WE LEFT OFF, BRENé
AND I WERE TALKING ABOUT HOW TO DEAL WITH AND BEGIN TO
UNPACK OUR FEELINGS OF SHAME. THEY CAN BE BURIED REALLY
DEEP. I KNOW AWARENESS IS HUGE FOR
EVERYTHING. BUT HOW DO YOU IF YOU DON'T
EVEN KNOW THAT YOU'RE CARRYING THE
SHAME, WHICH I KNOW, YOU KNOW,
THERE'S GONNA BE SUCH A HUGE REACTION TO YOU
BEING HERE BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE GONNA HEAR
THIS AND KNOW THAT YOU'RE TALKING
EXACTLY TO THEM AND ABOUT THEM. HOW DO YOU UNPACK IT? WELL, I THINK ONE OF THE
BIGGEST UNPACKING PCES IS TO
GET CLEAR ABOUT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
SHAME AND GUILT. AND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
SHAME AND GUILT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN "I
AMBAD" AND "I DIDSOMETHING BAD." SO, LET ME GIVE YOU AN
EXAMPLE. I DRINK TOO MUCH ON THURSDAY
NIGHT. I'M SO HUNGOVER FRIDAY THAT I
GET TO WORK, I MISS A MEETING, AND MY SELF-TALK IS, "GOD, I'M
AN IDIOT. I'M SUCH A LOSER." SHAME. "I'M AN IDIOT. I'M A LOSER." SAME SCENARIO I GET TO WORK,
BUT MY SELF-TALK IS, "THAT WAS A REALLY STUPID
THING TO DO. I WASN'T THINKING." SO THE FOCUS ON SELF VERSUS
THE FOCUS ON BEHAVIOR. IS THIS LINGUISTICS, IS THIS A
PET PEEVE? WHAT'S THE DEAL? THIS IS
SERIOUS. WE MEASURE SHAME AND GUILT IN
PEOPLE BY HOW THEY TALK TO THEMSELVES WHAT ARE THE MESSAGES, HOW DO
THEY SPEAK TO THEMSELVES. SHAME THIS IS GONNA FREAK YOU
OUT HIGHLY CORRELATED WITH
ADDICTION, DEPRESSION, EATING DISORDERS, VIOLENCE,
BULLYING, AND AGGRESSION. GUILT INVERSELY CORRELATED
WITH THOSE. PEOPLE WHO ARE ABLE TO REALLY
CHANGE THE SELF-TALK AND BELIEVE IT HAVE FAR BETTER OUTCOMES ON
ALL THOSE MEASURES. THE PUSHBACK IS "I DON'T GET
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SHAME AND GUILT." THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SHAME
AND GUILT IS LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING. IF YOU HURT MY FEELINGS, WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO SAY
"I'M SORRY. I MADE A MISTAKE"? I'M SO SORRY. "I MADE A MISTAKE." I MADE A
MISTAKE. THAT'S GUILT. SHAME "I'M SORRY. I AMA
MISTAKE." "I ALWAYS DO THAT." "I'M SO STUPID." RIGHT. "I'M SUCH AN IDIOT." "NOTHING EVER WORKS." THAT
THING. "I'M A CRAPPY MOM, I'M FAT,
I'M UGLY." THAT'S SHAME. WE HAVE TO GET REALLY CLEAR, AND SO, WHEN SOMETHING SHAMING
HAPPENS FOR ME, FOR EXAMPLE, WHAT I TRY TO DO IS I TRY TO DO EVERYTHING THAT'S
COUNTERINTUITIVE, 'CAUSE THIS IS WHAT I LEARNED. MEN AND WOMEN WITH HIGH LEVELS
OF RESILIENCE TO SHAME SHARE VERY SPECIFIC THINGS IN
COMMON. THE FIRST THING I TRY TO DO,
WHICH IS SO HARD TALK TO MYSELF LIKE I WOULD
TALK TO ELLEN OR CHARLIE, MY
KIDS. SO THE FIRST THING I TRY TO DO
IS SAY, "YOU MADE A MISTAKE. "YOU'RE HUMAN. YOU'RE OKAY. I
LOVE YOU. WE'RE GONNA GET THROUGH THIS." BUT THE BIG PCES I MEAN, THIS
IS THE HARD ONE YOU GOT TO REACH OUT AND TELL
THE STORY. YOU GOT TO SPEAK YOUR SHAME. YEAH! I WAS JUST GONNA ASK YOU WHAT
IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING EMBARRASSED AND
BEING SHAMED. HUGE DEAL. WE'VE GOT SHAME, GUILT,
HUMILIATION, AND EMBARRASSMENT. SHAME "I AMBAD." GUILT "I DIDSOMETHING BAD." THERE'S ONLY ONE VARIABLE THAT
PREDICTS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SHAME AND HUMILIATION. AND THAT IS? DESERVING. SO, FOR EXAMPLE... OH, THIS IS BIG. I'M GONNA
WRITE THIS DOWN. THIS IS REALLY BIG. OKAY. TO BE HONEST WITH YOU, PRIVATE
SCHOOLS, PUBLIC SCHOOLS ACROSS THE BOARD, RICH, POOR, SHAME IS STILL THE NUMBER-ONE
CLASSROOM MANAGEMENT TOOL. REALLY? YEAH. I HAND OUT ALL THE PAPERS, AND
I'M THE TEACHER. I SEE THIS ALL THE TIME IN
SCHOOLS. IT JUST KILLS ME. "I HAVE ONE PAPER LEFT. WHO
DIDN'T GET A PAPER?" I WOULDN'T EVEN USE YOU
BECAUSE IT'S SUCH A TRIGGER FOR
PEOPLE. "SUZIE" A LITTLE... WITH AN
EMPTY CHAIR "SUZIE, YOU DIDN'T GET A PAPER
BACK. "HMM. "HOW MANY OF YOU ARE SURPRISED "THAT SUZIE DIDN'T GET A PAPER
BACK? "I'M GONNA HELP YOU OUT,
SUZIE. "NEXT TIME, NO NAME, I'LL PUT THE NAME ON THERE FOR
YOU S-T-U-P-I-D." SO, WHAT WE KNOW THIS HAPPENS IN CLASSROOMS? OH, MY GOD, EVERY DAY, EVERY
CLASSROOM, PRIVATE, PUBLIC, POOR,
WEALTHY, IT DOESN'T MATTER. SHAME IS A HUGE CLASSROOM
MANAGEMENT TOOL. SO, HERE'S WHAT WE KNOW ABOUT
SUZIE SUZIE IS GOING TO PROBABLY
EXPERIENCE SHAME OR
HUMILIATION. HERE'S THE DIFFERENCE IF
SUZIE'S SELF-TALK IS "THAT IS THE MOST ROTTEN,
NASTIEST, HORRIBLE TEACHER. I DID NOT DESERVE THAT,"
THAT'S HUMILIATION. HEAD WILL STILL GO DOWN, BUT
IT'S HUMILIATION. WHY IS THAT LESS DANGEROUS
THAN SHAME? BECAUSE THE CHANCES OF ME
HEARING ABOUT THAT AS HER MOM ARE EXTREMELY HIGH BECAUSE ALONG WITH HUMILIATION
AND NOT DESERVING IS A LITTLE SELF-RIGHTEOUS ANGER,
A LITTLE "PISSED-OFF-EDNESS" THAT IS SUPER-HEALTHY AND
APPROPRIATE. OKAY. DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? OH, I'M TRACKING. OKAY. IF, ON THE OTHER HAND, SUZIE'S
SELF-TALK IS, "GOD, I'M SO STUPID, I'M SO
STUPID, WHY DIDN'T I PUT MY NAME
THERE, I'M SO STUPID" SHAME, AND THE CHANCES OF ME
HEARING ABOUT THAT AS A PARENT OR A CAREGIVER
ZERO TO NONE BECAUSE THERE'S NO NEWS. THERE'S NOTHING TO TELL. THERE'S NOTHING TO TELL
BECAUSE "I'M ALWAYS THAT WAY." "I GOT CALLED STUPID. I AM
STUPID." "AND I AM STUPID." I GET THAT. SO, WHAT I TELL PARENTS ALL
THE TIME IS YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONES
RAISING YOUR KIDS. AND SO, IN OUR FAMILY, THERE
WILL BE NO NAME-CALLING. YOU WON'T CALL YOURSELVES
NAMES, YOU WON'T CALL EACH
OTHER NAMES, YOU WON'T SEE YOUR DAD AND I
CALLING EACH OTHER NAMES. ZERO NAME-CALLING. SO, "STUPID" IS NOT EVER A
WORD THAT'S USED IN YOUR HOUSE,
EITHER. NO, MA'AM. YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW. GAYLE HAD THAT AS A POLICY
GROWING UP. WE DON'T USE THOSE WORDS TO
SPEAK IN THIS HOUSE. NO, AND I HAVE TO STOP THEM,
TOO, IF THEY'RE WORKING ON THEIR
HOMEWORK AND IT'S SELF-TALK. "GOD, I'M SO STUPID. WHY DON'T
I GET THIS?" HEY, YOU CAN SAY THIS IS HARD,
YOU CAN SAY YOU DON'T GET IT, YOU CAN SAY YOU NEED HELP. NO NAME-CALLING. I'M NOT
CALLING HIM A NAME, MOM. DOESN'T MATTER. YOU'RE CALLING YOURSELF A NAME
JUST AS BAD. WOW. OOH, THAT'S SO GOOD. GREAT STORY REAL QUICK ELLEN'S IN KINDERGARTEN, I GET
A CALL FROM HER TEACHER. SHE SAYS, "OH, MY GOD, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOUDO FOR
A LIVING." I WAS LIKE, "OH, GREAT." I WAS
LIKE, "WHY?" "ELLEN WAS IN THE GLITTER
CENTER TODAY, AND I LOOKED
OVER, AND I SAID, 'MAN, ELLEN,
YOU'RE MESSY.' SHE SHOT STRAIGHT UP AND SAID, 'I MAY BE MAKING A MESS, BUT I
AM NOT MESSY.'" WOW! YEAH, AND THEN, OF COURSE, I
WAS LIKE, "OH, GREAT, NOW I'M THAT
PARENT." [ LAUGHTER ] THAT'S GREAT. "HERE COMES BRENé, THE SHAME
RESEARCHER." [ LAUGHS ] THAT'S GREAT. WHAT EVERYBODY WANTS IS TO BE
SEEN AND HEARD. THEY WANT TO KNOW "DO I
MATTER, AND DOES WHAT I SAY MEAN
ANYTHING TO YOU?" [ EXHALES DEEPLY ] THAT'S WHY WE'RE SOUL MATES. IT'S TRUE. 'CAUSE YOU GET ME. YOU HAD ME AT HELLO. [ BOTH LAUGH ] PLUS, LOTS MORE LIGHT-BULB
MOMENTS. YOU ARE AN "AHA" VERIFIER. [ LAUGHS ] I'M GETTING A SWEATSHIRT. "SUPER SOUL SUNDAY" WILL BE
BACK IN A MOMENT. MAYA HAS SAID TO ME FOR YEARS
DR. ANGELOU HAS SAID FOR YEARS ABOUT HOW
WORDS ARE ALMOST TACTILE AND HOW THEY ATTACH THEMSELVES
NOT JUST TO US BUT TO THE FURNITURE IN THE
HOUSE AND THE THINGS IN THE ROOM AND THAT HOW WORDS CARRY SUCH
POWERFUL MEANING THAT IT LASTS. SO, WHAT YOU'RE SAYING THAT IF
YOU LABEL YOURSELF THAT, IF YOU HAVE DONE THAT TO
YOURSELF, IF YOU LABELED YOURSELF AS
STUPID OR LABELED YOURSELF AS MESSY,
THAT TAPE THEN GETS REPLAYED OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND
OVER IN LIFE. OH, MY GOD, AND LET ME TELL
YOU ONE THING I'VE LEARNED FROM MY RESEARCH THAT I AM SO
CLEAR ON THAT I JUST BELIEVE IT IN MY
BONES. LOVE AND BELONGING IRREDUCIBLE NEEDS OF MEN,
WOMEN, AND CHILDREN. IN THE ABSENCE OF LOVE AND
BELONGING, THERE WILL ALWAYS BE SUFFERING
PERIOD. IN THE ABSENCE OF LOVE AND
BELONGING, THERE WILL ALWAYS BE
SUFFERING. ALWAYS. SO, WHEN PEOPLE SAY, ALL THE
TIME, YOU KNOW, "WHY DOES GOD LET THIS HAPPEN? "WHY DID GOD LET THAT HAPPEN
TO THOSE CHILDREN? WHY DOES GOD LET PEOPLE
STARVE?" I ALWAYS SAY GOD IS ALWAYS
AVAILABLE TO US, IS THERE, IS HERE ALL THE TIME, IS
ALWAYS WAITING ON YOU, AND PEOPLE DON'T SUFFER
BECAUSE OF GOD. PEOPLE SUFFER BECAUSE OF
PEOPLE, BECAUSE OF OUR ABSENCE OF
ALLOWING THE SPIRIT OF GOD TO FLOW THROUGH US. PREACH. PREACH. IS THAT NOT THE TRUTH? NO,
IT'S TRUE. I MEAN, I THINK WHEN THOSE
THINGS HAPPEN, GOD WEEPS RIGHT ALONGSIDE OF
US. MM-HMM. BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU JUST SAID, THAT ALL OF US ARE LONGING FOR
THAT CONNECTION. IT'S NOT NEGOTIABLE. WE ARE NEUROBIOLOGICALLY
HARDWIRED FOR CONNECTION, FOR LOVE, FOR BELONGING. IT'S IN OUR DNA. AND YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL
DEFINITION OF "CONNECTION." DO YOU REMEMBER IT? YEAH. THIS IS THE ONE I LOVE SO
MUCH. "CONNECTION IS THE ENERGY THAT
IS CREATED BETWEEN PEOPLE "WHEN THEY FEEL SEEN, HEARD,
AND VALUED, WHEN THEY CAN GIVE AND RECEIVE
WITHOUT JUDGMENT." YOU KNOW, THAT MADE ME WEEP, AND IT MADE ME WEEP BECAUSE I
HAVE, OVER THE YEARS ON THIS SHOW
AND IN MY WORK, FELT SUCH A DEEP CONNECTION TO
PEOPLE I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW, AND WHEN I THOUGHT, "OH, GEE, "I JUST USE THE WORD ALL THE
TIME. I NEVER REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT
WHAT IT MEANT." IT IS THE ENERGY THAT IS
CREATED WHEN PEOPLE FEEL SEEN
AND HEARD. AND DO YOU KNOW THAT, FOR
YEARS ON THIS SHOW, THE "OPRAH" SHOW, THIS SHOW
"SUPER SOUL SUNDAY" I WOULD SAY, THE ONE LESSON I
LEARNED EARLY ON IS THAT WHAT EVERYBODY WANTS
IS TO BE SEEN AND HEARD. THEY WANT TO KNOW "DO I
MATTER, AND DOES WHAT I SAY MEAN
ANYTHING TO YOU?" [ EXHALES DEEPLY ] THAT'S WHY WE'RE SOUL MATES. [ LAUGHS ] IT'S TRUE. 'CAUSE YOU GET ME. YOU HAD ME AT HELLO. [ BOTH LAUGH ] NO, I DO I THINK SHAME
UNRAVELS CONNECTION. YES, OF COURSE IT DOES. YEAH. BECAUSE IT MAKES YOU THINK "I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO'S EVER
FELT THIS, "AND I'M THE ONE THAT FEELS
THIS AND NOBODY ELSE HAS EVER FELT
AS I DO." PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY TO ME, "WHY
DO YOU THINK SO MANY PEOPLE WATCHED YOUR
TED TALK? WHY DO YOU THINK YOUR WORK
RESONATES WITH PEOPLE?" I THINK PEOPLE NEED EXACTLY
WHAT YOU SAY TO BE SEEN AND HEARD AND
VALUED. AND I THINK THE ONE THING I
DO, THE THING THAT I'M TRYING TO
OWN AS MY GIFT IS I'M GOOD AT GIVING PEOPLE
LANGUAGE TO DESCRIBE EXPERIENCES THAT
WE'VE ALL HAD. SO THAT'S WHAT YOU DO. YOU GIVE US A LANGUAGE TO
UNDERSTAND MORE FULLY AND DEEPLY WHAT WE
ALREADY KNEW. THAT'S MY GOAL NOW TO LANGUAGE IT AND LET YOU
KNOW YOU'RE NOT ALONE. YOU ARE AN "AHA" VERIFIER. [ LAUGHS ] I'M GETTING A SWEATSHIRT. [ BOTH LAUGH ] I AM. I'M GONNA GET A
SWEATSHIRT. YOU ARE AN "AHA" VERIFIER.
THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE. COMING UP, WHETHER YOU'RE A
PARENT OR WILL BE ONE DAY, YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO TAKE
NOTES NEXT BRENé'S "PARENTING MANIFESTO." I JUST WISH EVERYBODY COULD
LIVE BY THOSE WORDS, REALLY. ME, TOO. THAT'S HOW YOU CHANGE THE
WORLD. I BELIEVE IT. AND WE'RE SAYING GOODBYE TO
CITY LIFE AND HEADING OUT TO GREENER
ACRES. IT'S A STORY OF TRUE
WHOLEHEARTED LIVING IN THIS WEEK'S "SUPER SOUL"
ORIGINAL SHORT. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. Oprah: FAMILY DYNAMICS ARE A
BIG PART OF BRENé BROWN'S WORK. BRENé MET HER HUSBAND, STEVE,
WHEN THEY WERE BOTH 21. THEY MARRIED AND SETTLED IN
HOUSTON AND HAVE TWO CHILDREN ELLEN
AND CHARLIE. ONE OF THE THINGS THAT I THINK
IS THE MOST MOVING HERE AND I WANT EVERYBODY TO KNOW THAT WE'RE GONNA HAVE IT ON
oprah.com IS "THE WHOLEHEARTED PARENTING
MANIFESTO." I MEAN, 'CAUSE WHAT'S SO GREAT
ABOUT ALL OF THIS INFORMATION, IT'S GREAT TO BE ABLE TO USE
FOR YOURSELF, BUT I JUST THINK HOW WONDERFUL TO BE ABLE TO RAISE YOUR KIDS
THIS WAY. SO, CAN YOU READ THE
"PARENTING MANIFESTO?" I CAN. YES. I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN READ IT
WITHOUT CRYING 'CAUSE I'M AWAY FROM MY KIDS. [ LAUGHS ] OKAY. AND THIS IS EVERY HOME HAS TO
HAVE ITS OWN MANIFESTO. IF YOU DON'T, THEN YOUR HOME
IS OPERATING UNDER, YOU KNOW, CONFUSION AND CHAOS
AND WHATEVER. AND MAYBE YOU HAVE A MANIFESTO
THAT HASN'T BEEN SPOKEN. BUT I LOVE THIS FOR PEOPLE TO
SORT OF INCORPORATE AS THEIR
OWN AND ADJUST AS THEY WILL. "ABOVE ALL ELSE, I WANT YOU TO
KNOW THAT YOU ARE LOVED AND
LOVEABLE." YOU'RE SAYING THIS TO YOUR
CHILDREN? YES. OKAY. "YOU WILL LEARN THIS FROM MY
WORDS AND MY ACTIONS. "THE LESSONS ON LOVE ARE IN
HOW I TREAT YOU "AND HOW I TREAT MYSELF. "I WANT YOU TO ENGAGE WITH THE
WORLD "FROM A PLACE OF WORTHINESS. "YOU WILL LEARN THAT YOU ARE
WORTHY "OF LOVE, BELONGING, AND JOY "EVERY TIME YOU SEE ME
PRACTICE SELF-COMPASSION AND EMBRACE MY OWN
IMPERFECTIONS." YES! "WE WILL PRACTICE COURAGE IN
OUR FAMILY BY SHOWING UP, "LETTING OURSELVES BE SEEN,
AND HONORING VULNERABILITY. "WE'LL SHARE OUR STORIES OF
STRUGGLE AND STRENGTH. "THERE WILL ALWAYS BE ROOM IN
OUR HOME FOR BOTH. "WE WILL TEACH YOU COMPASSION "BY PRACTICING COMPASSION WITH
OURSELVES FIRST, "THEN WITH EACH OTHER. "I WANT YOU TO KNOW JOY, "SO TOGETHER WE'LL PRACTICE
GRATITUDE. "I WANT YOU TO FEEL JOY, "SO TOGETHER WE'LL LEARN HOW
TO BE VULNERABLE. "TOGETHER WE'LL CRY AND FACE
FEAR AND GRF. "I WILL WANT TO TAKE AWAY YOUR
PAIN, BUT INSTEAD I WILL SIT WITH
YOU AND TEACH YOU HOW TO FEEL
IT." OH! I'M GONNA CRY RIGHT NOW. WE ALL WANT A MOTHER LIKE THAT
AND A DAD STEVE, HELLO. "WE WILL LAUGH AND SING AND
DANCE AND CREATE. "WE WILL ALWAYS HAVE
PERMISSION TO BE OURSELVES WITH
EACH OTHER. NO MATTER WHAT, YOU WILL
ALWAYS BELONG HERE." OKAY. MM. OKAY. "AS YOU BEGIN YOUR
WHOLEHEARTED JOURNEY, "THE GREATEST GIFT THAT I CAN
GIVE TO YOU "IS TO LIVE AND LOVE WITH MY
WHOLE HEART "AND TO DARE GREATLY. "I WILL NOT TEACH OR LOVE OR
SHOW YOU ANYTHING PERFECTLY, "BUT I WILL LET YOU SEE ME,
AND I WILL ALWAYS HOLD SACRED THE GIFT OF SEEING YOU TRULY,
DEEPLY, SEEING YOU." I WISH FOR EVERY PARENT IN THE
WORLD TO GO TO oprah.com, GET THAT BOOK, PUT THAT ON
THEIR WHEREVER IN YOUR HOUSE IN YOUR KITCHEN. I JUST WISH EVERYBODY COULD
LIVE BY THOSE WORDS, REALLY. ME, TOO. THAT'S HOW YOU CHANGE THE
WORLD. I BELIEVE IT. THAT'S REALLY WHAT WE'RE ALL
LOOKING FOR IS THE VALIDATION TO KNOW THAT
WE WERE SEEN AND THAT WE WERE HEARD. IT'S BEEN AN HONOR TO SHARE
THIS SPACE WITH YOU. OH, GOD, I FEEL THE SAME WAY, LIKE I'VE JUST KNOWN YOU MY
WHOLE LIFE. I FEEL LIKE THERE WILL BE MANY
MORE. OKAY. THANK YOU. CRY ME A RIVER. [ EXHALES DEEPLY ] HELLO. MY NAME IS JOHN
CHESTER. MY WIFE, MOLLY, AND I ALONG
WITH OUR DOG, TODD, RUN APRICOT LANE FARMS,
LOCATED IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA. THIS FARM IS NOT ONLY ORGANIC,
BUT IT'S ALSO BIODYNAMIC. THIS SELF-CONTAINED
ENVIRONMENT THAT WE'RE CREATING
HERE IS OUR SACRED SPACE. WE FOCUS ON HARNESSING THE
SOLUTIONS THAT WE FEEL ALREADY EXIST IN
NATURE. [ BEE BUZZES ] EVERYTHING ON THIS FARM HAS A
SYMBIOTIC RELATIONSHIP AND THIS MULTI-DIMENSIONAL
PURPOSE, AND THAT'S WHAT WE'RE
SEARCHING FOR. THE DUCKS EAT THE EVIL SNAILS,
THE SHEEP MOW THE ORCHARD
GRASS, THE CHICKENS KEEP THE PASTURE
CLEAN, AND THE HORSES PULL AROUND
TRAILERS AND CHICKEN HOUSES. AND ALL OF THESE ANIMALS
FERTILIZE THE LAND. WHOA. I THINK IT'S A SIMPLE WAY OF
FARMING. BUT IT'S JUST NOT EASY. FARMING'S NEW FOR US. COME ON, CHICKENS! I MEAN, WE'RE BARELY TWO YEARS
IN. NOT YET! [ LAUGHS ] CAN YOU PULL HIM OUT? IT'S FORCED ME TO BECOME VERY
COMFORTABLE WITH REALLY KNOWING WHAT IT
MEANS TO EMBRACE FAILURE. OH, GOD. OH, WELL. BECAUSE FOR US, FAILURE HAS
THE ANSWERS WE NEED. YOU HAVE TO TRUST THAT THE
MAGIC IS GONNA HAPPEN WHEN YOUR HEART'S DESIRE IS IN
SYNC WITH YOUR CONSCIENCE. NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS WOULD
I HAVE EVER BEEN ABLE TO
PREDICT THAT SIMPLY WATCHING ANIMALS
EAT GRASS WOULD MAKE MY CHEST FEEL LIKE
IT WAS GOING TO EXPLODE. FARMING IS TEACHING ME JUST HOW INCREDIBLY
INTELLIGENT NATURE IS. THAT ALONE IS COMFORTING. OUR JOB IS TO BE PATIENT, BE
OBSERVANT, AND AT THE RIGHT TIME, PROVIDE THE NATURAL RAW
INGREDIENTS THAT SHE NEEDS. AND THEN JUST STEP BACK. I LOVE THAT WE'RE SHARING THIS
LAND WITH THE NEXT GENERATION, WATCHING THEM BE INSPIRED BY
ITS MAGIC. AND IT'S IN THOSE MOMENTS THAT
I BEGIN TO REALIZE HOW LUCKY WE ARE TO BE HERE, ESSENTIALLY MANAGING AN
ECOSYSTEM. IF YOU KNEW HOW YOUR FOOD WAS
GROWN OR RAISED, AND GIVEN THE CHOICE... WHAT WOULD YOU EAT? AND I THINK THAT'S THE
QUESTION THAT THIS GENERATION IS GONNA
HAVE TO ANSWER. WENDELL BERRY ONCE SAID THAT "UNDER THE PAVEMENT, THE
DIRT IS DREAMING OF GRASS." [ BIRDS CALLING ] [ ROOSTER CROWS ]
