So my doctor says, hey,
what else is wrong with you? I go, what do you mean
what else is wrong with me? He goes, look, you're a
48-year-old Indian man. I'm like, that's really f*cking
racist, but since you asked, I have acid reflux. I don't know. Does anybody else-- who else
has acid reflux in here? First of all, you're
lying to me right now. Because there is no way
you can be Indian and not have f*cking acid reflux. It's inevitable. There's no way you can
consume the food that we eat with that much spice, and that
much oil, and that much butter, and not just have it
burn a hole in your-- as my dad would
say-- your esophagus. What? Son, it's burning
your esophagus. Dad, I want to assure you
I have no phagus in me. No, no, son, esophagus. I don't care whose
phagus you think this is. There's no way you
don't have acid reflux. I'm looking at all of you,
especially all the pudgy guys. You know exactly who has it. You got it, don't
you, yellow guy? You do, do you. He's like, I know,
I have it, but I don't want to say because my
shirt looks like turmeric, so-- I've had acid reflux
my entire life-- my entire life. And I remember being
six years old-- and here's the worst thing
about having acid reflux, it's triggered by food. And when you grow up
in an Indian house and your food is Indian
food, and this food triggers your f*cking acid
reflux, and you can't eat Indian food anymore,
you're a piece of shit. Like, I remember
going to my mom, mom, I can't eat Indian food anymore. Mom goes, what? Do you realize people in
India are dying to eat this food, literally dying. I said, mom, do you
understand that I'm dying if I eat this food? Literally dying. I was six years old, I
remember this clearly, I was six years
old and I remember burping and fire
shot up my chest and flames came out my nose. And I remember
clearly because there was tears coming down my eyes. And I remember going, I'm
crying and I'm not crying, I'm very confused. And I go to my mom, I go, mom,
mom, it's burns when I burp. My mom goes, what? I said, it burns when I burp. Oh my God, it burns
when he burps. Oh my God, son, OK,
do this, don't burp. That was your big
piece of advice, mom? I'm like, I'm serious,
mom, it's burning. She goes, OK, OK, yeah,
yeah, here, drink some milk, drink some milk. I drank the milk, nothing. Mom, it's still
burning, never mind. Dad, dad, it's still burning. My dad goes, OK, OK, see
the yogurt on the table? Eat the yogurt. What? Eat the yogurt. What do you mean eat the yogurt? Son, it's a fact. What's a fact? If you eat the yogurt,
it will cool you down. You'll feel better. How is that-- It's a fact, son. How is that a fact? Son, do you even
know what yogurt is? Yogurt is a probiotic. When you get sick, what
does the doctor give you? Antibiotic. Dad, I'm six years old. I don't know what a
f*cking biotic is. Son, one is for biotics
and one is against biotics. I said, I still don't
know what a biotic is. Son, just eat the
bastard yogurt. I go, why? Because why do you think
Indian people keep yogurt on the table when we eat food? To help your digestion. I said, OK, now
that makes sense. So I grabbed a
bowl of the yogurt. I start eating it, Well,
f*ck me in the eye, there's chilies and
onions in the yogurt. Why? Why did we spice the yogurt? That's what triggers
the burning. And Indian parents will become
racist at the drop of a dime. I go, dad, why did
we spice the yogurt? He goes, how else are
you going to eat yogurt? Plain? We're not white people. I said, dad, that's
really racist. Is it racist or is it a fact? How is that a fact? Son, what color is plain yogurt?
