Therapist Reacts to RUNAWAY BRIDE

if you believe you're unlovable they'll try and love you and you'll be like oh you're just saying that to be nice or well you think that now but wait till you actually get to know where you're at welcome to cinema therapy i am jonathan decker i'm the licensed therapist and i love the movies i am alan c wright i am a professional filmmaker i get paid to do this and i need therapy what do we got today well today i'm gonna feast your eyeballs upon a film and you're going to tell me things about it it's a therapist reacts yeah we love i don't need what are we watching we were watching runaway bride the 1999 julia roberts richard gere hit romcom it's fun it is as far and you know i really think we peaked with rom-coms in the late 80s through the 90s i missed the golden days of sandra bullock sandra bullock and julia roberts julia roberts and reese witherspoon reese witherspoon teaching me how to love and just a bunch of like idiot cad men who learn how to feel by the end of the film we got all those pieces in this film yeah let's roll a clip let's do it hey ike how's it going you won't believe what i'm looking at here i got a video of all three train wrecks what cracks me up about these is i've got footage of all these videos but like this is clearly shot by a film crew all these different angles all the edits all of the you know over the shoulder shots there's clearly not an actual wedding video i noticed that when i was 18 and i knew nothing about filmmaking so she has the the rock and roll wedding that she runs from so she tries to marry like this hard rocker guy let's go ultra conservative now no yeah so that is a lovely dress she's wearing though that's nice i love that and no we're not doing this and we've just given up on the fiction of it's a video we're just a film now right and this is the guy that richard gere meets in the bar later who tells him this whole story who holds out a ribbon because that's a human reaction parents taking bets so jonah what what are we dealing with here what are you picking up from this woman running from all these weddings obviously there's there's a fear of commitment here but what's at the root of that because a lot of people have commitment issues right they want love and so they get into relationships and they get too close and then they back away and they sabotage they're in love with the idea of love right right you do have people who are saying i'm flying a little too close to the sun right now so i'm just gonna break this whole thing off especially if i feel like it's it could be a good thing for me uh or even if i think it might not be so now let's see more of her story he calls julie roberts out on flirting with her best friend's husband good morning to you too you look good thank you yeah in the previous scene he called her out for flirting with her best friend's husband and she has realized oh maybe this is yeah i know i think sometimes you just sort of spazz out with excess flirtatious energy and it just lands on anything male that moves so the thought of spazzing out with excess flirtatious energy is this i fear that this may be me is this a real thing that is like not a pathology or what what is happening okay so what do we know about her character at this point in the story her father he's not abusive but he's definitely negligent sure you may not like that you have a daughter with problems but guess what i don't like that i have a father who's drunk all the time and insensitive and kind of a boar not like boring but like a borla is in like oor like bore yeah yeah he's borish where does this excess flirtatious energy come from if i wanted to get psychoanalytical i might postulate that she doesn't get male attention from her father she's and so she's looking for it elsewhere it's nice still friends not just attention but real acceptance belonging is a better word attention suggests a childish neediness and i think that does her a disservice it's more about belonging and a lot of times people who have a series of unstable relationships it starts at home when they were young they didn't have stability when they were young they wanted belonging they crave acceptance and love but they're also terrified of it because if i get close to somebody then they can hurt me if i truly get vulnerable and drop my guard and let somebody love me and i really love them then it could be even more devastating when it ends and a lot of times these a lot of times people have this deep core belief that i'm unlovable i'm going to be hurt i'm going to be rejected i'm going to be neglected because that's where this all started and so they keep getting into relationships hoping that it'll fill the void but because they're not okay with themselves because they don't love themselves they're looking for somebody else to plug that hole i'm taking her trekking on annapurna for our honeymoon oh how romantic we think so nothing like sharing your nuptial bed with two sherpas and a yak like a bucket with a hole in it right right no matter how much water somebody puts in a bucket with a hole in it it's all going to drain it's all going to drain right out and i see that like if i don't love myself i can't let other people love me right and so i look at her and she gets in these relationships with these men but it doesn't satisfy her because she doesn't really love herself and so she keeps just chasing this and chasing and chasing it and then she gets really close to them and then she realizes if i give my life to this person we get married and i'm completely in their hands i'm completely vulnerable they can completely destroy me because that's what men do and it's not even a conscious thought it's probably a subconscious one but i think that's why she keeps running because it's that combination of not being secure with who she is and knowing what she wants because if she doesn't know who she is and how can somebody else love her and also i've been neglected i've been unwanted i've been treated poorly i mean her dad loves her but you know you can love someone and still treat them poorly exactly if you don't have the skill set to you know and he doesn't he obviously does not yeah wedding cake freezes this we know and so i think that even if he did he's probably too drunk to be able to do it so i think that's where that comes from so the common trope is the girl who has daddy issues so she seeks male attention right yeah i had never until literally this conversation just now put together the fact that i have some mommy issues and i now realize and you got a firsthand look at this we've talked about it before i was a a bit of a flirt maybe a cad even in college i got around i feel like we are actually working through this we are actually this is actual therapy that's happening i had never put together the fact that it's not just girls that have daddy issues i have mommy issues yeah and that's why i was constantly craving affection female attention and affection to fill that hole and i i never put that together do you think it was a similar thing where um you wanted it but you were also afraid of it so like you that i mean that's why the short relationships right like to some extent yeah it turns out runaway bride was just the movie for today thanks runaway bride what the i'm the one doing the heavy lifting run away by nothing thanks jonathan decker some amazing hair peggy i think there is a distinct possibility that i am profoundly and irreversibly screwed up not irreversibly non-irreversibly i love you and i promise to no longer flirt with corey as a profoundly screwed up person i'm not worried you can tell because i work in film or me and corey or it's not irreversible irreversibly screwed up maggie you've been like this since we were kids and all i'm thinking is now that you're aware of it and that it hurts people's feelings sometimes maybe it's time to get on with life and commit to someone of your own like bob if he's the one right if he's the one is there anything i can do to make it up to you well so there's good accountability the thing that brings warmth to my heart and that is duck bill would you just do it so you've got gary marshall honestly you know that's the like i would hang out with him he's past he seemed like a really fun guy he seems like a super sweet really funny guy he's not an amazing artist he does the he does these kind of journeyman this is great she is america's sweetheart but 20 years later he does these um perfectly serviceable and it's not like you're looking for thank you incredible filmmaking from romantic comedies i mean what you're really looking for is for the filmmaking to stand out of the way to get out of the way so that you can go on a journey with the characters well but when you cast richard gere and julia roberts you're going to get chemistry you know the screenplay for this movie is good it's it's fine yeah it's fine it but honestly john cusack she elevates she elevates everything she's in yeah but she elevates this a ton yeah rub your ears rub your ears rub your ears that's a great idea that's a very good idea right rub your ears corey does that to me sometimes and you just we do it to the dog so many of the the side performers and this is one of the things gary marshall does so well right is he will get giant movie stars and then pair them up intelligently yeah because you can get two big giant movie stars and put them together and it just doesn't work gary marshall is exceptional at finding and it's not just because it's it's easy to find a chemistry no no just good good chemistry where they play off of each other really well and the other thing he does really really well is he'll get you know kind of b-list actors joan cusack is you know a known quantity but she's not headlining no there's there's no john cusack stars in yeah she's like judy greer should i go talk to him you're not married yeah very very much so right and that's not a knock on judy greer no that's that's a big positive for both of them they're yeah they're both amazing women he does such a good job of letting them play and you see i mean julie roberts richard gere are these huge movie stars at least at this point in their careers they've never seen more down to earth and relatable and it's not even because of them it's because of who they're surrounded by that they get to look look i think this man is heartbroken so i look at the scene and i see and i see two friends resolving a difference in a very actually real and relatable way because there is hurt there but there's also readiness to forgive like joan cusack is so ready to forgive julia roberts but maggie julia roberts's character she says i don't mean to which is kind of like which is fine it's fine to have a cop out but it's but a lot of times people use it as like i didn't have bad intentions therefore my behavior was okay but she says i didn't mean to but that doesn't mean the behavior is okay yeah she she's modeling good like this is really good you know apology and accountability behavior right yeah yeah no it's fantastic and and then to say i you know i'm then there's a commitment to changing the behavior and then what can i do so that we're good right like actually all in all that is a model i i the word apology is fine i like the word accountability more because anyone can say i'm sorry i mean a lot of people don't but anyone can say i'm sorry but to actually correctly assess the damage that you've done take steps to remedy it and then make sure the other person's okay and if they're not what can you do like that's yeah that's good friending right there that is good friending yeah nobody looks like that in small towns too many carbs and small towns don't pretend to be a nice person i was the only person in there defending you you humiliated me no maggie i defended you humiliating you is what everyone else did in there that is the theme of the party died no it was under control now they all feel sorry for me well they should they both of them are right and both of them are wrong yeah she didn't need rescuing she didn't want rescuing mount everest but he saw an entire town piling on a woman who has made some you know some mistakes but from an innocent place yeah and he's trying to defend her yeah he had good intentions not supportive you weren't being supportive you were scared you were scared then yourself and here he's correctly diagnosing something that she's not willing to admit to herself woman i lost yes loss you were so you were so lost you didn't even know what kind of eggs you like yes yes yes that's right with a priest you wanted scrambled with with a deadhead it was fried with the other guy the bug guy it was it was poached now it's like oh egg whites only thank you very much that is called changing your mind no that's called not having a mind of your own maggie what are you doing you really want that guy up there to drag you up annapurna for your honeymoon you do not want to climb annapurna yes i do one of the most we've talked about this before you've had a front row seat to this you will not likely find two people more different on this planet than my wife and i that is accurate that is very accurate and i was i didn't understand i mean aside from i find her very attractive but i didn't understand why i was so drawn to her and what i realized is how important it was for me to be with somebody who knew who they were and who knew what they thought what they wanted i didn't want someone who agreed with me as much as somebody who would challenge me and when people say you two don't have a lot in common you know and i can name several things several big things that we do but the one of the most important things is we give each other room to be to me compatibility is less about sameness right sometimes it is i mean i i look at you and your wife and there's personality incredibly similar but you're super in sync in a lot of ways have similar interests in ways that you and your wife are not at all no no not at all um which is why you're my movie wife there you go and compatibility can mean sameness or similarity other times it means you go well together right you know if you've ever had something that's like sweet and sour sweet and spicy or salty and sweet like right like real love says i want you to be happy if that's with me awesome if it's not like i just want your happiness well and it's the saving grace of this script right because he's been he's only known about this woman for like what maybe two weeks at this point he's spent about a week in her presence yeah and that's it they should not be in love yet yeah it shouldn't work like that it's not how it works that's not how it works in real life and even rare exceptions but even in a movie you should have more time to get to know each other you can and a lot of movies shortcut that and just lust is love and there you go no but i think attraction is too often mistaken for rightness attraction is very misleading it's uh yes it is and it doesn't mean anything no no no no means yeah but this does a good job of not being that it's not lust is love they're both very attractive obviously there's you know gonna be physical attraction that's fine but that's not what this is no no no no no no no we got we have to talk we we have we have to talk we have to do some talking now all right just come come over here and that's one of the things that makes it so refreshing in terms of romantic comedies yeah is it's not the hollywood stereotypical just sort of uh let's just shorthand things because we only have two hours right it's it's born from a real human place and even though it's all accelerated the timeline is all accelerated like this is how healthy relationships start not by usa today smear campaigns per se hey but don't rule it out but most great relationships are based on friendship right this is the ultimate friends with benefits situation yep anyway i saw your lamps they're terrific but i've yet to meet the person who at some point didn't put on airs of some sort because they found themselves drawn to another person they really wanted to make it work yeah right but that's not love i mean and that's not sustainable and i've met the people in counseling who try to sustain that and it's a miserable existence right you really need somebody who sees you for you and says i want that yep which isn't to say that we can't grow or change for each other or do things or even have you know if you're the person who's the the person saying i love you and i want you yeah you can't it doesn't mean you have to say just you never change yeah it's like i love you and i want you you could drink less that's fine that's fine benedict arnold i love eggs benedict i hate all the other kinds of eggs hey set up for a good joke b clearly the best type of eggs are delicious weekday while everybody's at work and if i ride off into the sunset i want my own horse used well they're mine turning in my running shoes so i am not a uh a gift giver or receiver that is not my love language right and there's one like that but this is mine reels that there could be more after after this but um if you could just have a seat it's the meaning right behind the gift let's just not have that there okay okay i love you homer eisenhower graham will you marry me uh way to defy those norms all those guys named norm so bad i gotta think about this though okay good i was hoping that you would say you were not no i was i was because if you said yes right away i wouldn't be able to do this next part i've been practicing so let me just okay i've been practicing ready that's such a guy thing to do just to practice how you're going to say things yep i guarantee that we'll have tough times and i guarantee that at some point one or both of us will want to get out but i also guarantee that if i don't ask you to be mine i'll regret it for the rest of my life yeah i definitely wanted julia roberts to propose to me oh yeah yeah i mean for sure first of all i think this is the most realistic proposal ever i love that it's it's de-romanticized i can guarantee you we're going to have hard times i can guarantee at some point one or both of us is going to want to get out of this thing but i can also guarantee that if i don't ask you to be mine i'm going to regret it for the rest of my life and that's i think normalizing that it's going to suck sometimes and normalizing that there's going to be times that you're going to come pretty close to hating me i think then when it happens there is no house of cards that comes crumbling down right right because we already it's informed consent if we want to borrow a very romantic term there you go but it's informed consent yeah absolutely right um but then the romantic punch is i will regret this every day of my life if i don't and you know i you and i are both happily married men i know that these words resonate because we've both had those rough times and god bless our wives they've probably had rougher guaranteed um but i don't know i i just think that is so for all of the romantic comedy tropes that we see in this film and there's a lot of them there's a nice undercurrent of grounded realism yeah to how things ultimately play out for sure things are things are heightened as they you know need to be for the melodrama and the time span is you know monstrously compressed but yeah there's there's a lot of i think one of the reasons this was such a big hit is because it felt so real emotionally emotionally yeah before you enter into any sort of relationship you need to plug the hole in your bucket right i've heard people say that you can't love others unless you love yourself and i actually think that's not true i know plenty of people who hate themselves who love the people in their lives absolutely what you can't do is let other people love you yep because you can't believe in it right if you believe you're unlovable they'll try and love you and you'll be like oh you're just saying that to be nice or well you think that now but wait till you actually get to know where you're all and take the time to actually get to know who you are yeah if i know who i am and i'm already living a life that's worth living on my own okay here we go then i won't have all these insecurities that i'm going to unfairly place on the other person right to resolve for me through their love through their magic of love instead i know what type of eggs i like i know what i want out of life and i'm either going to find somebody who wants the same things or like in your case wants the same things like in your marriage or like in my case i love and respect you enough to give you room to be you like i do that for her she does that for me and then of course we have things that we're on the same track together but you need to be okay with who you are first the second thing is you need to have a healthy acknowledgement and understanding that relationships are hard not just romantic ones but they but especially romantic ones and parenting ones because you care so damn much and when you care that much it is it is all the more painful and it is all the more fearful and then a lot more writing on it but that's where the rewards are as well but you can't go into it expecting we're going to be okay because we have love because love is a magic fairy dust i dig the beatles but they were wrong all you need is love not true right you need trust you need respect you need stability all you need is love plus lots of other things and a ton of hard work right yeah so this has been cinema therapy he has been my therapist i got free therapy today yeah today you actually did success you did most all joking aside you did the heavy lifting on that one well thanks if you would like to see more of this please like our video it ranks us up in the algorithm which is our evil overlord subscribe and hit the bell so that you get notifications when we post new videos uh and find us on the social medias at therapy underscore cinema you can rent this film using or rent or buy all that linky goodness is there underneath until next time enjoy luaus run like hell and watch figure out your damn egg situation look i guarantee they'll be tough times i guarantee that at some point one or both of us is going to want to get out of this thing but i also guarantee that if i don't ask you to be mine i'll regret it the rest of my life

Channel: Cinema Therapy

Views: 431,937

Keywords: cinematherapy, cinema therapy, mental health, counseling, therapy, mental health therapy, Jonathan Decker, Alan Seawright, relationships, marriage, Runaway Bride, Julia Roberts, Richard Gere, romantic comedy, rom com, commitment

Id: C2lTqETtppo

Length: 25min 10sec (1510 seconds)

Published: Fri Feb 12 2021