"The Timeless Children" - The End of Doctor Who

let's begin this review with a little thought experiment shall we close your eyes dear viewer and imagine a teddy bear a delightful fluffy little Chuck but you've had for as long as you can remember when you were a little kid you'd contentedly fall asleep holding it and then it would be the first thing you saw when you woke up each morning it was comforting and fun and it was always there whenever you needed it then as time passed and you grew older you began to need to bear less and less but you could never quite bring yourself to throw it away because every time you saw it it brought a fond smile to your face reminding you of the simple innocence of childhood and you knew that one day you'll pass that bear on to your own children so a whole new generation can make their own happy memories with it what's a charming thoughts now imagine that some fat middle-aged [ __ ] comes along spray-paints political slogans all over your bear telling you that you're a horrible person rips the head off and replaces it with an 18 inch black rubber dildo and you're like excuse me sir this doesn't seem right why are you doing this to my bear and the fat middle-aged [ __ ] gleefully tells you that he's actually improved your bear in fact has never looked better so stop complaining and enjoy it confused and upset by this you go online to share your experience with other bear users and suddenly you've got an avalanche of people who've never even owned a bear screaming at you that Bears have always had 18-inch dildos attached to them so why do you have a problem with it now this is just the way bears are now and you need to deal with it are you some kind of bear bigots are you intimidated by strong independent bears then before you know it the news media's heard about your story and they're writing scathing articles like our bear fans to entitled or the problem with toxic bear fans and everyone's getting angry and shouting at each other but nobody's really listening to what's being said something which used to represent innocent Universal fun has become a battleground for everyone's petty hang-ups grievances and insecurities meanwhile the fat middle-aged [ __ ] is making even more changes to your bear before you know it the arms and legs have been replaced by razor blades and he's added a big obnoxious rainbow flag to go alongside all the political slogans in desperation you turn to your happy childhood memories of the bear before all the improvements were made but the fat middle-aged [ __ ] has even found a way to infiltrate that's his new and improved Bears have been photoshopped into every family picture and every home movie that you own there's literally no escape now the past present and future have been completely taken over by the fat middle-aged [ __ ] and his army of rainbow bears with dildos foreheads and no matter how much people hate them they can never be unmade now imagine the frustration and disappointment you'd feel in this situation well this is pretty much how longtime fans of Doctor Who must be feeling right now particularly after the final episode of season 12 that shameless children quite literally the 60 minutes of TV that finally killed 57 years of Doctor Who not to mention any lingering sense of respect I might have had for the show so for the final time let's jump aboard the [ __ ] as' and get into the [ __ ] so the timeless children kicks off straight after the events of the previous episode where the Cybermen have been resurrected and the master has returns again no everyone's hanging out beside a big portal leading to the remains of the doctors homeworld Gallifrey Jesus Christ how many times is this [ __ ] planet gonna be blown up and resurrected only to be blown up yet again remember when Gallifrey was time locked so the writers couldn't keep going back and [ __ ] with it that was a nice idea they probably should have stuck with that anyway so the doctor impersonator and her fam are there along with the master who for some reason looks like a really [ __ ] version of Douglas from the IT Crowd you bastard the master forces the doctor impersonator to go with him through the portal leaving the others behind because you know why kill them or neutralize them in any way when you can just let them roam free and totally scupper your plans later [ __ ] Bell end so the master takes the dr. impersonator for a nice walk through the ruined capital and for some reason he now acts like a [ __ ] hyperactive child with Tourette's this just mainlined the triple espresso why is this ridiculous now the master is supposed to be menacing and calculating this guy's just a complete dick then he traps the dr. impersonator in a big machine called the matrix that lets him get inside her head and apparently the process is agonizingly painful the [ __ ] me you'd never know it from a reaction either she has an incredibly high pain threshold or Judy wacker just doesn't give a [ __ ] in this scene I'll let you decide anyway know that the doctor impersonator is plugged into the matrix as st. for a little history lesson get your Lube ready because the big bad teddy bears about to [ __ ] you we flash back to the early days of Gallifrey before the Time Lords even existed when a strong female explorer ventures out into the universe in search of a decent haircuts but instead she finds the magical gateway that's been conveniently left unguarded what's the nature and purpose of this gateway who built it how does it function what lies beyond its I don't [ __ ] know because the script doesn't give a [ __ ] what is important though is the diverse little girl who's hanging around waiting for the plot to kick in so strong female Explorer ticks diverse little girl back to Gallifrey and then she gets into a fight and falls off a cliff but instead of dying she regenerates into a new equally diverse form well that's weird whatever does this mean so strong female explorer studies diverse little girl by repeatedly murdering her and forced her to regenerates what's a lovely mother and eventually discovers the secret to regeneration which she uses to create the first sign Lords and that's it that's how they came to be but drink her you courageous sermonize er I hear you see whatever became of the little girl in this flashback take a wild guess the child is you great so now we know where the doctor and the Timelords came from how they were created and what their true nature is now this is all spiffing but just like attaching an 18 inch rubber [ __ ] to your favorite city bear it does create a share of problems see doctor who is a sure that's been running for more than half a century now and while different generations of writers may have tweaked elements of its cannon over the years there are certain foundational things that gradually solidified into the category of stuff we really shouldn't [ __ ] with and some of the list was the doctor's personal history we were never told exactly how the doctor came into being what his childhood was like what he did before the show began or even his real name why because we didn't need to know the writers were wise enough to realize that the mystery of the doctor was way more interesting and compelling than anything that could actually come up with to explain it all we need for sure was that he was a Time Lord from Gallifrey who went rogue stole a TARDIS and went on a bunch of adventures through time and space how and why he became the doctor was less important than what he did afterwards likewise the origins of Gallifrey and the Time Lords was kept deliberately vague for exactly the same reasons the Time Lords were portrayed as epic godlike beings of almost infinite power and wisdom where and how they started out was just another mystery for the audience to speculate over something to fire the imagination and stir a sense of wonder but the creative powerhouse that is Chris Chibnall was like nah it'll be fine why bother to maintain an intriguing mystery when you can just [ __ ] your own dumb unsatisfying answer onto the screen declare that it's a permanent part of the show's history and subtly undermine the work of entire generations of writers yeah [ __ ] hubris anyway but sue whatever passes for a plotz so the master takes a break from being a total dick to invite the Cybermen to come through the portal so he can form an alliance with them the Cybermen are led by this absolute SWOT who explains that he's guy's hands on a death particle that can destroy all organic life in the universe no well really one particle can do all that destroy all life in the entire universe like how how does one come by such an element's does it occur naturally if so how does anything exist in the universe also don't the Cybermen have living brains inside their Armour I mean yes and the others are actually able to wear and move around in it which suggests there's enough space in sight for a functioning human body or the very least this guy has an entire [ __ ] head inside his helmet sir listen the death particle would almost certainly kill all the Cybermen as well what's a genius screenplay great work Chris to be fair the Cybermen don't exactly strike me as the sharpest tool in the shed yes and the others are able to consistently outwit and don't fight them and they're a bunch of absolute morons I mean can someone explain why the Cybermen are considered some of the most deadly enemies and Doctor Who because they seem kind of slow and dumb they walk straight into ambushes without any tactical awareness and they can be easily killed with small arms fire Jesus even Ryan the plank manages to blow a bunch of them up also I don't know why but the script absolutely spunks all over he has for some reason Graham even heaps so much praise on her you'd think she'd just cured cancer brought peace to the Middle East and begged him a hot date with Scarlett Johansson and of course the others are all dumb and ineffectual black comparison maybe they're just not diverse enough so anyway the master uses a convenient shrink ray on arsal Cyberman leader and takes command of all the other Cybermen then he puts the bodies of dead Time Lords inside their Armour thus revealing his diabolical scheme to create an army of cyber Time Lords this is real this is happening actual professional writers came up with this then the doctor impersonator gets a visit from stunningly diverse previous doctor and then she overloads the matrix by remembering too much stuff [ __ ] off show then she has one last reunion with her farm and honestly the script does everything except have her enya's make out right there in the middle of the [ __ ] as' then she goes to confront the master with a bomb made out of the death particle wait won't that kill everything in the universe now it'll be fine apparently it'll just kill everyone on Gallifrey now why don't know this script is like a drunk old man blindly lurching from one desperately improvised plot fixed to another and honestly it's absolutely hilarious to watch it's physically impossible to become invested in this nonsense because literally anything could happen at any moment to completely undermine the premise of a situation so the doctor impersonator marches in there with the bomb and threatens to blow everything up and the master is like okay do it and she's like nah and he's like oh god you know if you really want to blow up the universe why don't you just release the death particle yourself ya dick what is the doctor impersonator have to do it for you why are the cyber Time Lords standing there doing nothing what is the point in even using the death particle when everyone in this situation will just regenerate anyway why should the doctor impersonator ever worry about dying when she can keep coming back to life forever why does nothing in the show make any [ __ ] sense ever anyway the pointless and totally contrived standoff gets broken when some old bad sheriff shows up and takes the bomb from the doctor impersonator and I'm not kidding the master and everyone else just stands there allowing this to happen why don't you just [ __ ] shoot them immediately you absolute cheese and chutney sandwiches I mean is it me am i doing this wrong I may just not getting this show trying to review doctor who these days is like flirtin with some kind of existential crisis like I'll tumble off into madness if I think about it too long god help me the vegetto detonates the bomb Gallifrey blows up and everyone dies but the good guys escaping some spirit are diseased and they all live happily ever after but then a bunch of spacerino short and through the doctor impersonator in space jail and the episode ends and that's it that's the plot for the timeless children probably the last episode of Doctor Who that I'll ever watch trying to review this nonsensical [ __ ] is like trying to fight your way out of quicksand the harder you try to escape the more it pulls you down everything that was bad in previous episodes is even worse here first up there's the broken storyline filled with plot holes so big you could almost fit Amy Schumer's arse through them that pulls so many revelations and quick fixes I then it feels like it must have been written by Ryan Johnson then there's the usual fundin amateur hour performances from everyone involved especially Judy would secure whose attempts the channel gravitas and inner darkness are like watching a toddler doing their best Bain impression and of course there's the usual overzealous BBC diversity casting I love how virtually every previous incarnation of the doctor and the Time Lords are now either female or non-white or both it's become so trite and predictable at this point for the BBC to smack you over the head with this stuff that you can practically set your watch by it naturally the women are all smart tough resourceful and natural leaders and the men are all whiny and competent cowardly stupid and need to be told exactly what to do see it's funny because Graham can't get his helmet off what's laugh at the silly old man Oh Bradley wash I don't know what they paid you to be in this show but I hope it was worth it my son all of these things are bad enough but they're pretty much par for the course with Doctor Who at this point we know the show's creative team is a contradiction in terms we know the actors either don't give a [ __ ] or don't have any talents to begin with we know the writers don't understand what made this show good and lack the ability to craft a decent story anyway but it's the destruction of the show's Canon that's the biggest sin here not concerned with ruining Doctor Who by presenting their own unique vision of its in the present Chris Chibnall and the writing team know seem determined to sink their claws into the show's 57 year legacy as well I got a real sense that they wants to make a lasting mark on the entire Doctor Who franchise just the handful of seasons they've been given probably because they know they're living on borrowed time and everyone can't wait to get them out the [ __ ] door just like with the dildo teddy bear that's been awkwardly photoshopped into your family albums you can't even escape from chip knows influenced by finding solace in past versions of the doctor now whenever you look at William Hartnell playing the very first doctor somewhere in the back of your mind you'll know that people like this came before him when you think of the mighty Time Lords of Gallifrey now you'll know that they only came into being because of strong female explorer repeatedly murdering children and it's just kind of depressing to see the work of so many talented hard-working people being slowly undone and trampled on by they're unworthy successors people who were chosen for the job because they spoke at the correct politics or fit the correct demographics or told the correct line people who probably wouldn't even be working in the industry if it wasn't for the extremely accommodating hiring practices at the BBC sheer [ __ ] hubris you know one of the virtues of living in today's world is being able to sit back and watch the wholesale destruction of every science fiction franchise we used to know and love in some cases it was don't agreed and incompetence on the part of the studios trying to squeeze more money from shows and movies that run creatively dry decades ago and others the aggressive pushing of agendas and politics at the expense of good storage seven altum Utley killed the fun and turned people away well another still the lack of curry of new ideas led to uninspiring retreads of previous ground dressed up in fast paced scripts and superficially flashy visuals but Doctor Who is one of those rare instances that manages to combine all three into a perfect storm of shittiness the decision to cast a female doctor was a bold one that could have paid off in the long run if only the showrunners had had the common sense and humility to handle the change with sensitivity and respect they could have proven their detractors wrong by hiring the very best writers they could find and focus in all their energy on producing fun engaging adventures that ever one could enjoy instead they played right into the hands of all those critics who claimed they were going to spoil the fun for everyone they did exactly what people feared they would do turning a quirky beloved character into a preachy annoying judgmental busybody hidden beneath a thin veneer of eccentricity and social awkwardness there's an almost tangible sense of hostility and mean-spiritedness hanging around this sure now like it kind of knows that people hate it and it's just sticking around as long as possible to spite them but go it must because most of its audience already has and to be honest I'm one of them this will be the final Doctor Who review I'd zoo because honestly this show is simply not what might seem any longer or yours so with that in mind let me offer a few parting words to Chris Chibnall and his buddies I hope you're proud of yourselves I hope the destruction of one of them was popular and enduring TV shows in British history was the price you were willing to pay because when it's all over and you look back on your legacy of failure you'll realize that oh you really did was prove every single one of your critics absolutely right anyway that's all I've got for today go away now

Channel: The Critical Drinker

Views: 1,291,745

Keywords: 13th Doctor, Jodie Whittaker, Chris Chibnall, review, SJW, feminist, BBC

Id: VlGQgfXtC40

Length: 18min 24sec (1104 seconds)

Published: Wed Mar 04 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/SlaugtherSam]

What is this garbage? Just a reactionary whining about sjws for half an hour.

[u/Phaethonas]

If I were to compare the state of Star Wars, Star Trek and Doctor Who, I'd dare say that we at Star Trek have it better.

There are three reasons for that;

1) Star Trek has in-verse plot elements (e.g. Quantum Realities) that allow us to oust nuTrek from the canon reality that we loved and love (TOS and TNG eras). Star Wars and Doctor Who do not have that.

Add to that, that nuTrek producers are actively pursuing differences between past Trek and their nuTrek, for licensing and other legal reasons. They go as far as to outright say that "we wanted to be different than before". Sure, thanks for that Stewart, Kurtzman and co. You just implied that your monstrosity is not in the same canon reality with everything I love!

Then there are the legal aspects of the matter.

Star Trek is licensed to Secret Hideout now and Bad Robot in the past. This isn't CBS, Paramount or ViacomCBS that is producing these monstrosities. This is someone else.

This allows the following;

2) Officially, since at least 1987, all licensed work is considered non canon or beta canon at best. Games, comics, novels, everything. Everything? Well....yeah, officially this stance hasn't changed. CBS, Paramount and/or ViacomCBS haven't made a different declaration.

This means that nuTrek, which in its entirety is licensed, is beta canon.

The difference and ambiguity is that in the past all non-licensed/canon work was visual (TV and movies) and all licensed/non-canon work was not visual (e.g. comics, novels). Now, nuTrek is visual (TV and cinema) but at the same time licensed.

Although that does create some ambiguity at the matter, legalities take precedence. ViacomCBS still owns the IP and its predecessors (CBS and Paramount) were clear. All licensed work is non canon. Only their own in-house productions are canon.

So, not only I can ignore nuTrek as canon because I want it to, not only the Star Trek Universe gives me an in-verse explanation how to do that, not only the nuTrek producers point me to that direction with their actions, but more importantly, legally they are not canon. And nuTrek producers can't say "no, we are canon". Secret Hideout, Amazon and Netflix don't get to decide what is canon and what non. ViacomCBS gets to decide that. And as far as I know, licensed content at Trek is not canon.

3) More importantly perhaps, in the future, when Kurtzman's contract expires, ViacomCBS can just say...."this never happened". Nothing can stop ViacomCBS from doing so. They just licensed the thing for a time, the time expired, they can do with their IP anything they like.

Disney though and BBC can't exactly do that. I suppose technically they can, but what are the chances of ousting entirely out of canon what is theirs? How likely is to oust a part of yourself?

In contrast, it is very likely to oust the outsider, completely or not. As such, ViacomCBS can be gracious and allow nuTrek producers their small tiny corner at some obscure, soon to be forgotten, "quantum reality".

At Star Wars? At Doctor Who? Not likely. Even more so for Star Wars. Can you oust 3 blockbuster movies? They killed the franchise to a degree, if cancelling future movies is any indication, but what are the chances for Disney to do that? I see BBC doing it, albeit unlikely. But Star Wars? No!

Lastly, at this point, I can almost guarantee that nuTrek will be ousted from canon or at best sidelined. That is because Moonves was the one who licensed the Star Trek IP to Kurtzman and he was the one who renewed Kurtzman's contract to 2023 (included or not), right before he was about to lose his war with Redstone. That, and Redstone's attitude of ousting everything and everyone Moonves has touched.

The only question is....what happens next? Who comes next? And for that, I am less of an optimist.