The Signs and Stages of a Coercive Relationship

hello I'm Dan again today's question asks what are the signs the stages of an abusive relationship other questions around this topic include what are the signs of coercive control how do abusive people condition their victims and what is it happens when someone realizes they are being abused the whole time so today I'm going to outline the stages of coercive control from the beginning of the relationship to the point when someone realizes that the behavior that has been normalized is far from normal right through to the end of the relationship so if you like this video if you find it interesting if you find it helpful please consider subscribing to my channel so first of all the early stages the beginning of the relationship this is often referred to as the honeymoon phase like this can involve a lot of romance a lot of fun a lot of gifts the abuser may be shown their victim a lot of attention a lot of love unvalidating them they're showing them a lot of positive regard and being everything that you would want in a partner and it's during this stage that the victim is being conditioned they're being groomed to become dependent on their abuser dependent for a lot of those things I've just mentioned but at the same time there have been slowly isolated from their friends and from their family this might be quite subtly at first things like I was hoping we could have spent some time alone together we rarely get to do that I was looking forward to it just being you and me it may then progress onto the abuser being maybe quite distant whenever they're going out together to meet others and being quite off hand whenever they get home there could be changing plans at the last moment they can't go because they feel ill or tired or perhaps they're too busy then it might progress a little bit further I don't like how your friends treat me I don't like how they talk to me your family don't seem to like me very much it may progress even further I don't trust this person that person is not good for you your family are controlling you and manipulating you I only want what's best and while this is going on the victim is learning that the love the kindness the fun is absolutely great whenever things are great but when things aren't so great like maybe there is a disagreement or even an argument they are reminded of the gifts the love the acts of generosity and their kindness to make them feel guilty they also learn that these things are withheld until they comply again the victim is becoming trauma bonded they are being conditioned to depend solely on the abuser through a series of both positive and negative reinforcement and as the relationship progresses the victim learns to adapt to a new way of life they adopt new responses new behaviors to please the abuser they learn to manage the situation to mitigate the negative reinforcement that has been introduced they may even learn a new language learn not to use certain words learn what to say what not to say when to say it and when to keep quiet their sense is self their sense of reality begins to become distorted as the abuser gaslights them more and more this can involve the rewriting of narratives picking up on any small fault as evidence that the victim is wrong about something the abuser may even claim to know more about the victim than they know about themselves as the relationship progresses further the victim is held to account for the abuser's moods emotions Behavior indeed everything that is wrong with the relationship they can be constantly on eggshells around the abuser worrying what mood they're going to be in today however they also know that they are deeply unhappy with this situation nothing they ever do to try to make things better works and they no longer compromise in order to get the love and attention more often not they compromise just to avoid the punishment their life is a constant stream but one day something happens and they come to a realization and this can happen in many different ways perhaps they read a newspaper article or see something online they may watch a television program or something that's been in the news and they realize it mirrors their relationship they realize this is not about me being selfish or me being stupid me being useless this is abusive maybe my depression my anxiety my stress isn't the problem perhaps it's more a symptom of the problem they begin to educate themselves more they learn about narcissism learn about coercive control normal bonding and so on and they become more informed and as they become more informed they begin to re-evaluate themselves re-evaluate their partner and indeed the relationship you may even remember who they were how they were before they got involved with this person and from hearing and reading other people's stories they may realize that help is a realistic option a life away from this person away from this situation would be preferable but they're also aware that there are difficulties and obstacles so they're not your high they may be financially dependent on the abuser they might not have an income of their own after perhaps being talked out of quitting work they may be in debt but it's all in their name not the abusers they may have a mortgage together they may have children together who separating might not be that easy the abuser might be aggressive might even be violent so there is the fear of escalation if they were to leave now they may confide in someone someone close to them someone they trust just for a little bit of feedback just to get a few ideas they may reach out for some kind of support they might go to a counselor or perhaps try to get advice from a professional organization now it could be with the support of someone or the support of some organization or perhaps through their own accord but maybe they start looking at options to help them to plan to leave now this could begin with even just viewing rental properties how much does rent cost these days it could be asking parents family members friends if they could maybe move in for a while they may try to put a little bit of money aside to help themselves whenever the time comes to leave then comes ending the relationship now there could be either an attempt to leave or they actually just leave but many people who have been in abusive relationships often report that this is when the manipulation the abuse or even the risk of abuse starts to escalate the abuser might threaten to harm them harm themselves or to harm someone else there could be Financial threats they may try to alienate them from their own children there could be stalking there could be intimidation the abuser might go to everybody in the victim's Social Circle their workplace even engaging character assassination try to destroy them socially there could be a barrage of text messages emails phone calls coming from the abuser now either threatening them pleading with them or both in some extreme cases there could be the destruction of property or even physical assault in some cases the abuser might actually try to go back to stage one show kindness show love offer gifts offer support reminding their victim of what it is they're missing and how it could be different this time being many people who have been in abusive relationships often report that these gifts this kindness doesn't come without a price tag and lastly when they're away when they're free now even if there still has to be some kind of contact due to perhaps there being children once there is some kind of distance between them and their abuser that is when recovery begins they might notice small changes in themselves perhaps their taste and music changes their diet changes perhaps they start to read books or watch television shows they wouldn't normally be into I think what happens is people begin to get to know themselves better that being said recovery is not always easy it can be very painful there can be constant rumination there's fear anxiety depression some people even question themselves did they do the right thing leaving they may engage in a lot of safety seeking and avoidant behaviors well I think one of the reasons for this is whenever someone is in a very difficult situation when they're going through a period of stress they're putting every resource they have just did sometimes get through the day it is only afterwards it's only after the event it's only after the situations like you start to reflect on what really happened they start to reflect on what they would have liked to have been different the things they may have done and said that might have changed things but they also learn from experience they recognize that any kind of contact can be toxic so they either stick to a no contact rule or they maybe use the gray rock method that's maybe just given one word answers and not being ambiguous and not being beated into reacting and I often say this when it comes to recovery it is a journey it is a process it is not a Madness to a Finish Line it can take time it can take patience and a lot of self-compassion and learning to trust others to have helpful healthy relationships with other people now if you have been in or are in an unhealthy abusive relationship I would invite you to think about reaching out to someone for support counseling is maybe a good place to start but there are many organizations out there that do specialize in supporting people who are in abusive relationships so that is a brief outline of the stages of a coercive abusive relationship there are many things I could have added by all was please feel free to use the comment box below there are some interesting conversations start around these videos but if you find this video helpful if you find it interesting please consider subscribing to my channel and until next time thanks for watching

Channel: Darren F Magee

Views: 33,225

Keywords: coercive control, coercive control domestic violence, abuse, narcissism, abusive relationships, domestic abuse, gaslighting, what is coercive control, domination in relationships by abuse, abusive partner, abusive partner warning signs, controlling partners in relationships, relationship, emotional abuse relationships, trauma bonding narcissist, trauma bonding explained, trauma bonding relationships, Darren Magee, emotional abuse, coercive control examples, coercive control signs

Id: VRKbhxzRybY

Length: 10min 49sec (649 seconds)

Published: Mon Oct 17 2022