Coercive control: do you know what it means? | Susan Lagdon | TEDxStormont

[Applause] when I was young I didn't get on with my mom very much um I certainly didn't respect her at times she struggled When We Were Young and not in with the essentials but just ways that matter when you're a child we did didn't have much and she didn't have an education she left school of 14 was married by 18 divorced by 26 with two children and myself my younger brother came along a little later I was there was struggles she tried to prepare us for the world in her own way she encouraged me to get a job as soon as I could to have my own finances to be financially independent and even after I got married she told me I needed to keep my own bank account she encouraged me to explore the World Travel and definitely pursue your education she say they can't take it away from you Susan and I wasn't sure who they were or why they would want to take it away and no matter how serious a relationship got she would always tell me you know where your room is if you need to come home she had lots of little antidotes like that for us growing up and some that I would often end heraly is maybe her not being supportive of my relationship choices or my choices more generally but I didn't know them what I know [Music] now the World Health Organization suggests that one in three women globally will experience some form of physical Andor sexual violence in their lifetime less is known about psychological and emotional abuse in this regard now as a woman myself I can absolutely assure you that women and girls do not make choices to become victims we don't actively go out of our way to engage with us to to engage with those who would hurt or harm us but Society can often act as if we do I'm sure that everyone here has heard of or know someone who's been in an unhealthy or an abusive relationship Dynamic and think to themselves why don't they just leave or I wouldn't put up with that I mean who would ever let someone slap hit or kick them repeatedly how do you get into a situation of rape can even be raped if you're in a relationship surely if you're enduring constant name calling or breing from a so-called partner you must be part of the problem yourself no perhaps you wouldn't say that but others have and they do I mean I know I did to an extent when I was much younger you see my mom was one and three she had experienced partner violence in her first marriage and was in that marriage for many years and even after the relationship had ended it had taken its tone a major part of her that I really wanted she taught me how the psychological and emotional abuse was the worst and even after I had learned about her history my younger self seen it as a type of weakness I mean why would she let someone do that to her as if she had a choice today I'm a researcher I spent the best part of the last deckage trying to better understand the experience of victims and survivors of intimate partner violence including the barriers that they face in leaving abusive relationships during 2015 I spoke with groups of women who' reported their experience in the police service and many of them had waited years before they said anything when I asked why they told me that they worried that they wouldn't be believed that their children would be taken away from them or that they didn't experience the right type of abuse to Warrant an intervention you see up until very recently in our history we hadn't come to understand what victims and survivors already knew violence and abuse does not occur in a vacuum it's not a one-off incident those experiences evolve over time and it can be really difficult if you don't have the words to describe what is going on importantly you don't have to be physically assaulted to be hurt or harmed and in fact the type of experiences don't require it at all women have shared with me their experiences over time and a lot of them are describing what we have come to understand as coher of control coher of control is a pattern of behavior that used to dominate intimidate humiliate and control a person it's often called a liberty crime because the purpose of the behavior behind the actions of the person is generally to strip other individual of their independence women have shared their experiences with me of cohor of control some some have talked about the threatening behavior from their Partners in lots of horrible ways they've threatened to hurt or harm them or their loved ones or their children if they didn't get in line they've shared experiences of gaslighting where their Partners would try to convince them that their version of reality was skewed that they had mental health problems and they're not quite right in their minds and therefore their of things is not the right version convincing others that they're the problem they had also shared with me their experiences of isolation and again this had taken weeks months and years to evolve maybe at the beginning it was an exciting suggestion that you move away or that maybe you cut people out of your life because it seemed like the right thing to do at the time but in fact what they're doing is removing you from friends family those that can support you and intervene women have shared with me their experiences have been financially restricted restricted from Healthcare education and more I started to see my mom's Point she'd been trying to prepare me should I ever find myself in that situation now what we had yet to discuss was how would I ever find myself in that situation I mean how do you possibly become a victim of intim a partner violence as I said it doesn't happen overnight those behaviors take time to evolve and based on your past experiences your previous relationships and observations what you deemed to be inappropriate or unhealthy behavior is really going to differ from person to person now in 2022 Northern Ireland made a criminal offense of cohor of control but before the legislation was put in place my colleagues and I were really interested in that question I mean has the public ever heard of the term cohor of control and do they understand understand what that means could they identify it if they seen it in front of them I mean could you we developed scenarios of cohor of control one that was really really obvious and blatant and the other that was less obvious the potentially earlier stages in a relationship where there's maybe um early indicators in the behavior and we shared that with adults and young people across Northern Ireland and we asked in those very questions do you think this is abusive Behavior do you think this is going to imp impact the person would you tell a friend or a family member and would you report it to the place now with a really obvious case when it was blatant everyone could see it for what it was even if they didn't understand the term cohor of control they could see from the scenario that this was unhealthy and abusive Behavior but with that less obvious case that earlier stage within a relationship potentially that's where it gets a bit tricky people were less certain about whether this was abusive Behavior they were less certain about reporting it and certain certainly not reporting to the place but then where would that leave us where does that leave the person if we are at an earlier stage in those behaviors perhaps we don't yet have the words but we do know how it's making us feel more recently we also serate over 500 women across Northern Ireland keeping in mind that's more than double the number of people in this room and we ask them about their experiences of violence and abuse in their lifetime 98% had reported some experience of vience and abuse in their lifetime one of the most common experiences was psychological and emotional abuse and this happened before during the stage of primary school women reported experiences of being put down they reported their experience of been called names made to feel unloved unwelcome worthless and much more before the age of 11 socially we often have this saying which is it could be worse and that comes from our previous experiences and if they're bad then everything after that is either not as bad or it just becomes the norm intima partner violence has vast impacts in terms of mental health the women that I've spoke to have talked me of their experiences of anxiety depression significant distress suicidal ideation if we don't know how to share our experiences if we don't yet have the words how then come we ask for help I as part of that same study where we celebrate over 500 women we spoke with 34 more survivors and we asked them a really important question how can we help or intervene earlier what can we do to prevent this in the future for others now the resounding answer was in part three education more specifically safe and healthy relationship education it should be delivered early in your life it should be consistent through your life and it should have no age limit now I believe this to be true not just because of my mom's experiences or because of the research but also at just four years old I can see how my own daughter is already beginning to interact with the world and the people in it now becoming a mom has been humbling for me I'm a psychologist I trained for four years at undergraduate level I completed my elective modules in educational social and Clinical Psychology I then graduated with a first class honors degree with Commendation and studied another three years for my doctorate in Psychology surely I am more than equipped to manage and raise a small human turns out it's a completely different skill set but she has become a great teacher in regard to all of this you see all of those academic achievements may be impressive but they're absolutely no good if we cannot transfer any of that knowledge and understanding to real people with real lives and real experiences I've already had some difficult conversation and play areas with parents because little boys have pushed my daughter over and they thought a cute he just likes her or he's just being a bit boisterous I've had those difficult conversations and not just for my daughter but for that little boy too how do we expect to have safe and healthy relationships for everyone regardless of gender if the education expectations and standards are not set early on I've had to like my mom think of new and creative ways to teach my daughter about the world and how she may respond in certain situations as well I mean in our house we often smell the flowers and blow out the the handles during those tough moments and we all have them I've also seen the benefits of pneumonic so using Rhythm and Ry to help teach her things and help her remember I mean to this day I can still recite all the planets using that similar technique my very energetic M jump straight under Norman's paw although I think it's just Norman due to Pluto's planetary demotion anyway I want to try something new with you if you'll indulge me today a way of checking in with yourself in your relationships using our head shoulders knees and toes so we're going to start with our head how is your mind in this relationship do you have any feelings of self-doubt or worthlessness due to things that your partner says about you or things that they do to you are you confused about how your partner treats you do do you feel safe in this relationship shoulders do you feel like you're looking over your shoulder tense fearing any sort of consequence or perhaps you have that feeling that someone has their hand on your shoulder monitoring you whether that's in person or online keeping an eye on what you do how you spend your time and who you spend your time with knes do you feel caught off with the knees or perhaps that your legs are CAU out from under you due to things the partner your partner does to you or things that they say about you perhaps you feel like you're always on your knees asking for forgiveness and you're never really sure why maybe it's to appease your partner in the hopes that they'll treat you better toes do you feel rooted to the spot standing alone moving further away from friends family normal activities for you and as you stand in your Rel relationship do you feel any element of control like you're right where your partner wants you to be nine let's smell the floors and blow out the birthday candles you are the best indicator of your own health and well-being and that includes your relationship with others if you feel uneasy about your head shoulders knees and toes it may be time to speak with a trusted friend a family member or a local support service perhaps you feel really good in these places but now you're thinking about someone else sure with them and empow them too but only if and when the time is right and it feels safe to do so and remember that education is never out of date no matter how old you are and you just don't know who might need you to believe in them today thank you

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 1,231

Keywords: Education, English, Global Issues, Marriage, Mental health, TEDxTalks, Women, Women's Rights, [TEDxEID:56149]

Id: 1CGVsWxfI2Q

Length: 15min 6sec (906 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 01 2024