Seven ways narcissists make victims look like the villain

hello i'm darm again today's questions have been asking why so many victims of narcissistic abuse actually end up being accused of being the abuser why do so many struggle with being believed and some have even been asking was i actually the narcissist so to answer those questions i'm going to look at some of the common behaviors and phrases that narcissistic people use things that chip away at their victim's sense of self erode their self-confidence or self-esteem even their character and their reputation and i'm going to refer to partner as in like a long-term relationship although these behaviors can be present with say family members work colleagues or even friends so if you like this video if you find it interesting or helpful please consider subscribing to my channel just to remind you though this video is for information purposes only my narcissism is often characterized by a sense of self-importance a sense of entitlement there's haughty behavior and they can be very disagreeable they can be highly sensitive or highly resistant to criticism there is a lack of empathy and they can be very manipulative and these characteristics these behaviors are not just once in a while they're almost like a default setting they are long-term they are pervasive and they are consistent also just consider that many narcissistic people have what i would call a public face and a private face publicly to others they can be very kind caring virtuous noble and so on it's behind closed doors with their victim that they can be toxic disagreeable and devaluing so you may not hear the following things word for word but maybe something resembling it or you may see it expressed in their behavior so firstly if they get pulled up on their bad behavior maybe there's no way for them to blame shift or get out of it one way or another they are facing the consequences of their behavior they may ask for a second chance a clean slate if you will however it isn't long before they're just going back to doing the same things again and eventually the partner might find that that person has now had maybe a hundred second chances and when the partner keeps bringing this up the fact that there's no change they may hear something from the narcissist like i am trying very hard to make this work and all you do is keep bringing up the past so the partner sounds as if they're holding a grudge they sound unforgiving next the narcissist might just keep asking for the same things over and over again no matter how many times the partner says no the partner may hear things like can you not will you not why won't you but i don't understand why you won't why would you say no i don't think that's fair that's actually really selfish and the aim here is to wear the partner right to grind them down until they just say yes to get them to be quiet now even if the partner explodes in frustration says something like just do whatever you want as far as the narcissist is concerned the partner has just said yes and again if the partner brings this kind of behavior up they could be accused of being selfish disagreeable they are accused of complaining after they said yes thirdly and this would be more common though not exclusively with covert narcissism and that is constant negativity everything is a problem everything is a strain every idea will have an objection every solution will have a problem and every silver lining will have a cloud they nitpick everything criticize their partner everything and probably everyone else it's like they're sucking all the joy out of life and the partner is kept in a constant state of strain burning up all their energy trying to fix trying to rescue trying to make things better and this could look and sound like depression and it may well be but many times that perpetual pessimism can switch off just like that when there is something that they are interested in or if there is someone else around the pessimism is kept for the partner again if the partner brings this up addresses it they may be accused of being uncaring and lacking empathy for their low mood their depression number four is being disagreeable everything is a no direct no might sound something like no i'm not doing that i don't want that do it yourself an indirect no might be something along the lines of for example if the partner were to ask for assistance or something they may hear something back like is that not your responsibility what about ownership or perhaps you should look within yourself they may even reject things that are in their own best interest much to the frustration of the partner or maybe insist on pointless changes to the partners ideas and suggestions anything they do comes with a lot of complaints feed dragging half-assed attempts or demanding hero worship for doing it sooner or later the partner might stop asking might stop offering maybe just do things themselves because that constant rejection constant criticism constant refusal can have someone stop even trying then they are accused of being distant and when they're struggling that's when the narcissist maybe asks something like well why didn't you come to me all you had to do was ask and if the partner answers why they didn't go to the narcissist they'll be accused of nagging or complaining or just moaning that they didn't get things their own way next narcissists rarely keep promises any agreements reached joint decisions are either soon ignored or forgotten they may agree to do something or go somewhere only to have plans change at the last minute and act like they have no idea why their partner feels let down perhaps they want to buy something the partner says no we can't afford it we don't need it they go ahead and buy it anyway and whenever the partner confronts them they might look confused and just say oh i thought we agreed which leads me on to the next one toxic amnesia now they don't remember the lie they told two minutes ago never mind one they told two years ago they only seem to remember the things that suits them to remember such as the partner's faults the partner's mistakes the partner does bring up something the narcissistic person has done they may fee in ignorance what what are you talking about when was this that never happened it's a form of gaslighting that it either didn't happen or if it did it didn't happen the way the victim remembers it the partner is accused of blowing things out of proportion while they're acting oblivious to the destruction that they're causing and the partner might sound crazy and seeing trying to get them to remember or at least acknowledge the things that they've been doing but they're often accused of making things up it's the victim that is accused of gaslighting next there is constant sabotage now they may be ill at the last minute so have to cancel plans or make the partner go on their own they may start an argument just before they go out on a date or just to ruin a holiday even in some really toxic cases they may hide or damage personal property or give it away to a good cause without the partner's consent they may withhold information that their partner might need to know this is a way of holding the partner back creating obstacles stifling them to keep them under a state of unfulfillment and frustration and strain again if the partner brings this up they may be accused of being selfish malcontent and blaming other people for their own feelings next common behavior nothing the partner does or says has any credibility they are constantly devalued they are treated like either a child or some kind of bumbling sidekick when they're trying to talk the narcissistic person may just roll their eyes laugh give a ride smile say things like oh here we go again they use convoluted word solid and circular reasoning to confuse and irritate the partner and then give the partner a hard time for not understanding that kind of nonsense they're really behaving as if they are too intelligent to be talking to someone who is an intellectual inferior the partner's self-esteem and confidence is so low that if they try to assert themselves somehow they are accused of being aggressive now while all this has been going on sometimes it's for months sometimes even years every time the partner has pointed the behavior out tried to challenge it tried to address it pointed out the effects of it even to the point where they've become frustrated perhaps even angry then they are accused of being the narcissist they are accused of being abusive for reacting the way they do to being treated badly and this is what's often referred to as reactive abuse it's when the abuser acts with impunity does what they like but any objection assertiveness any anger or outrage on the part of the partner that is labeled as selfish hurtful and aggressive and it can get to the point where the partner feels unable unsafe to do or say anything out of fear of being accused of abusing their abuser this is further compounded because if they were to tell anybody tell somebody one maybe two of those events the other people that might sound petty malcontent it sounds like they're moaning about nothing because the other people are not saying it in the context that these things are happening all the time there is a consistent pattern if you remember i mentioned earlier many narcissistic people have what i refer to as a public on the private face in public they are decent people they are very kind very caring and so on many can be very accomplished actors so when they take one of the partners reactions now even if it has the smallest grain of truth in it remember it gets twisted it gets exaggerated it gets blown out of proportion and there's no mention of the things that they did to provoke those reactions the victim is often left struggling wondering why no one believes them now if you've been in a relationship like this i would invite you to think about reaching out to someone for support maybe talk to a mental health professional like a counselor or a psychotherapist perhaps join a support group to help aid in your road to recovery there are many other examples i could have listed in that if there's anything i've forgotten anything you might like to add please use the comment box below there are some interesting conversations start around these videos again if you like this video if you find it interesting or helpful please consider subscribing to my channel and until next time thanks for watching

Channel: Darren F Magee

Views: 237,222

Keywords: narcissistic abuse, understanding narcissism, blame shifting in relationships, blame shifting and projection, toxic relationships, reactive abuse example, whos going to believe you, am i the narcissist or the victim, darren magee narcissist, self blame after narcissistic abuse, self blame after break up, self esteem, self confidence, victim blaming narcissistic abuse, self blame, Sentient Counselling, why do people believe the narcissist

Id: _2cHAjmArPE

Length: 11min 2sec (662 seconds)

Published: Mon Aug 15 2022