<Horn music plays> Bandit: Ahh, the Guardian Stones. Really ought to choose wisely here. Wouldn't want to screw up and regret it later on. So... which one you gonna pick? Dragonborn: I... don't really know. I just escaped Helgen, and... Bandit: Y'know... a wise man would start with the Lover's Stone. Dragonborn: Oh yeah? Bandit: Yeah, you learn a shade slower than with these, but it'll help you with all your skills. Dragonborn: Okay. Bandit: And don't try to hump it though! Dragonborn: N-- no. Bandit: Don't let the name fool ya! And you might want to get a better helm, too. The one you got there is ancient. From the Oblivion days. Dragonborn: Well... y'know, I'm workin' on it. Bandit: I'd give you mine, but it's got a two-handed wielding enchant, so... Dragonborn: Two-handed wielding? Can you even lift a greatsword? Bandit: Greatsword? Heh, well I've never tried. Just helps me when I tinkle. Besides, only a fuckin' asshole would wear something like this. <Horn music plays> Adrianne Avenicci: Dude, are you fucking serious? Dragonborn: What? I'm coming! Leave me alone. Adrianne: Are you really not just gonna pop another potion? Dragonborn: I don't need to use another potion, okay? The shop is right there! Adrianne: Just you do this every single day, and I just gotta wait for you to woddle your ass up here-- Dragonborn: Alright, alright, fine! <Various arms and armor hitting the ground> If any of this disappears, I'm blaming you. <Horn music plays> Imperial Recruiter: Hello, sir! Would you like to leave your family today, fight for the Empire? Okay... Stormcloak Recruiter: Ohh! Little girl! I'll trade you that old doll for a shiny new sword! Imperial Recruiter: Stupidest pitch I've ever heard. Stormcloak Recruiter: I don't care what you say. It's worked before. Imperial Recruiter: Of course it worked... on Nords! Stormcloak Recruiter: Oh yeah?! You wanna go right now?! Hello. Would you like to join the Em-- the-- the Stormcloaks today? Imperial Recruiter: Pfft.
Stormcloak Recruiter: Shut up. Dragonborn: Actually, I was just wondering if you guys had some pamphlets or something I could look at...? Stormcloak Recruiter: Well, we're actually all out of propaganda right now. Imperial Recruiter: I think you mean "paraphernalia". Stormcloak Recruiter: You watch your goddamn mouth! Dragonborn: Okay, well... I just had a few questions, so... Stormcloak Recruiter: Of course. I can answer any questions you have about the Stormcloaks. Imperial Recruiter: And I can answer any questions you have about the Empire. Also, we have pamphlets. Dragonborn: Look, I'm really just trying to figure out who to fight for, so... Imperial Recruiter: Oh, well that's the easy part. If you want strength and unity, you join the Empire. You wanna fuck your sister, you join the Lamecloaks. Stormcloak Recruiter: No, no. If you want independence and freedom, you join the Stormcloaks. And if you want to take it up the ass from the Thalmor, you join these bitches. Imperial Recruiter: Hey, the White-Gold Concordat ended the war. Stormcloak Recruiter: Ohh, you must mean the White-Brown Concordat. Cuz I wiped my ass with it! Imperial Recruiter: Wha--?! I'll take your head for that! Dragonborn: Guys! I think I'm gonna go with the "Fuck Both Your Factions" faction. How 'bout that? Dragonborn: Okay, so. Freedom of religion? Stormcloak Recruiter: Yes. Imperial Recruiter: No. Dragonborn: Racial equality? Imperial Recruiter: Yes. Stormcloak Recruiter: De-- define "equality". Dragonborn: Okay. What about gay marriage? Imperial Recruiter: Well... yes. Stormcloak Recruiter: <chuckles> Of course. Imperial Recruiter: Kind of a silly question. Stormcloak Recruiter: I agree. Imperial Recruiter: Why would you even ask that? Stormcloak Recruiter: I mean, who would want to live in a miserable marriage? Imperial Recruiter: Exactly! <Horn music plays> <Giant yawning> Dragonborn: Shit! Giant: Huh?! Dragonborn: Umm... <Giant grunts> Dragonborn: <clears throat> Got your toe...! <Wind blowing> <Horn music plays> (I think you get it at this point.) Dragonborn: Hey, excuse me. What kind of armor do you guys sell here? Ulferth War-Bear: We sell the finest weapons and armor. Dragonborn: Alright, and by that, you mean...? Ulfberth: Mo-- mostly iron. Dragonborn: Alright, well in that case, I'm just gonna sell you this and get going. Ulfberth: Sure, I can give you a hundred gold for that. Dragonborn: <scoffs> No, you don't understand. This is the Dagger of Humiliation. Dagger: HUMILIATION. Dragonborn: It doesn't even technically exist. Ulfberth: And I'd like to buy it from you. Dragonborn: Yeah, for a hundred gold! Ulfberth: Right. Dragonborn: Yeah, it's worth ten times that! Ulfberth: I don't think I like your tone, traveler. Yo mama never leveled your Speechcraft or somethin'? Dragonborn: <sighs> You know what, fine man. Just give me the hundred gold so I can get the hell outta here. Ulfberth: Actually, I-- I only have fifty left. <Dragonborn draws daggers> Ulfberth: Wha-- what are you doing? Dragonborn: Yeah, but how do you know it's stolen? Whiterun Guard: Because it's my job to know! Dragonborn: It's your job to know? Do you know how many swords there are like this? Whiterun Guard: Yeah, and what about that? I saw you pluck that from the main hall! Dragonborn: This? Yeah, I didn't realize I was stealing it. It's just a flower! Whiterun Guard: Oh, Skyrim is burning and our greatest hope is off picking flowers! Dragonborn: No, it-- Whiterun Guard: And stealing them at that! Dragonborn: No, it's not like that! It's... oh, God... it's for a potion! Whiterun Guard: Shut up, you scum! You're not talking your way out of this loading screen! <Dragon breathing fire> <Bow fires> <Dragon breathing fire> <Bow fires> <Dragon breathing fire> <Bow fires> Dragon: Yeah... I think I'm just gonna go... Dragonborn: So, what? You're just gonna leave? Dragon: Yeah... this isn't really working out for me. Dragonborn: Y'know actually, I don't even wanna fight you. Dragon: Really? Dragonborn: Yeah, I mean we're practically family, right? Dragon: Yeah... yeah, I guess we are. Dragonborn: And besides, these people you're burning? Yeah, not the nicest. Dragon: You don't say? Dragonborn: Trust me, I've slayed like 20 dragons already, and I just got arrested for plucking a flower! Dragon: Oh, how's that for courtesy? Dragonborn: No gratitude whatsoever. And just rude as hell, too! Dragon: Yeah, there's no excuse for poor manners. Dragonborn: It's like... why are... we even fighting? Dragon: Y'know... I don't even know anymore. Dragonborn: You know what? We should just team up! Dragon: Yeah... I don't give dudes rides... though. <bow fires, dragon breathes fire, bubble pop noise> <claw key insertion noise, darts fire, Whiterun guard groans> Dragonborn: Dude. Do you need some help? Whiterun Guard: Pfft, no. I'm twice the adventurer you are. Dragonborn: Okay, it's not a competition.
<claw key insertion noise, darts fire, Whiterun guard groans> Dragonborn: Man, look. The combination is on the claw. How are you getting this wrong? Whiterun Guard: I know what to do. This ain't my first cave. <claw, darts, groan> Dragonborn: Look, just turn the claw around and match up the symbols. Fine. Y'know what? Just get yourself fucking killed. Whiterun Guard: That's not the combination! Dragonborn: It-- what? Whiterun Guard: It's a trick! Dragonborn: It's not a trick! Whiterun Guard: They would never make it that easy! Dragonborn: But they did, though! Whiterun Guard: Then why make a combination at all? Dragonborn: I have no fucking idea! Dragonborn: You fuckin' suck at this. Dragonborn: Yeah, I got you now. Spriggan Earth Mother: Whoa, mothafucka! Are you fuckin' with my nature?
Dragonborn: Whoa, my God! <fires bow> Dragonborn: Whoa, whoa, what? Spriggan: What were you doing? Just now? Wi-- wi-- with that-- that thing? Dragonborn: W-- with the bow? I... I was hunting. Spriggan: Then you were fuckin' with my nature! Dragonborn: No... a lot of animals hunt. That's just... the circle of life! Spriggan: You humans! You don't know shit about the circle of life. Cuz... you live in a... triangle... OF DEATH! Dragonborn: What? Spriggan: All you do is kill things! Dragonborn: Yeah... and why do you think we do that? Spriggan: Because it's in your natur-- you set me up for that! Dragonborn: Whoa, whoa! You need to back up! Spriggan: I don't need to do SHIT! <Arrow hits Spriggan Earth Mother and she collapses> <footsteps on leafy ground> <Dragon priest tomb opens> Dragon Priest: Okay... I told you never to bug me when I'm... Who the hell are you? Dragonborn: Oh, I'm just uh... Dragon Priest: Did you just fucking break in here? Dragonborn: No, I didn't break in. I used a key. Dragon Priest: Dammit, I told the mason that door was garbage! I said that. I said "garbage". Dragonborn: Listen, I-- Dragon Priest: I said, "Don't put the fucking combination on the key!" I mean... who does that? Dragonborn: Hey, I'm just here to learn a shout. I'm not looking for any trouble. Dragon Priest: I'm sorry. I couldn't hear anything over the sounds of you groveling like a little bitch! Dragonborn: What? Dragon Priest: Kill his ass! <suspense music plays, bow fires three times> <metal clang> <bow fires, skeleton collapses> Goddamn. Skeletons are fucking terrible! I mean, seriously. I'm-- I'm kind of embarrassed. Those guys used to be the shit back in the day too, I... I mean the one guy, I... I-- I don't remember his name, but... He was fucking tits with a warhammer! <Dragonborn clears throat> Oh, right right, the shout. Well, uh... it's right over there. You just follow the demonic chanting. And uh... Hey, why don't you take my mask too? It's a little stuffy, but you can crush some bombass herb in this shit! If uh... <clears throat> If uh... you're into that sort of thing. How do you feel about staffs? <vanishing sound effect> <speaking Falmer language> <Dwarven Centurion Master activates> <Falmer crushed and screams in pain> <chaotic fighting noises between Falmer and Dwarven Centurion Master> Crimson Nirnroot: <speaking like GLaDOS> Ha-ha ha ha you sure showed them. Dragonborn: Wha--? Crimson Nirnroot: Down here. Dragonborn: Oh. Crimson Nirnroot: You slayed them marvelously. Dragonborn: Tha-- thanks? I guess? Crimson Nirnroot: Do you kill many things? Dragonborn: Now see, that's a strange question to ask somebody. Crimson Nirnroot: I like watching things die. Dragonborn: Okay... this conversation's getting weird. Y-- you're a plant... I'm gonna go. Crimson Nirnroot: Waaaiiiiit! Dragonborn: Uh... <sighs> what? Crimson Nirnroot: Take me with you. Tolfdir: Ah, you've returned. Did you go to the cave and talk to the guy? Dragonborn: Yeah, I did that. Tolfdir: Great! Did you travel to that other place and get that thing? Dragonborn: Yep. Tolfdir: Impressive! Did you use the what with the who and a bada-bing bada-boom? Dragonborn: Umm... I think so. Tolfdir: Unbelievable! I'd say we've got a new Arch-Mage on our hands! Dragonborn: Whoa, no-no-no, I was just doing this for experience. I don't even want that responsibility. Tolfdir: Responsibility?! This job is all perks! You literally don't do anything. Dragonborn: Oh. Well in that case, what are some of the perks? Tolfdir: Well, uh... You can, ummm... You... Dragonborn: Sorry, are you being serious right now? Tolfdir: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on. I'll... think of something. Alchemist: So, you wanna learn a little bit about alchemy, do ya? Dragonborn: Yeah, it's about time, I guess. Alchemist: Okay well, I can teach you a few things for sure. Best way to get started is to really just... sample ingredients. Dragonborn: What do you mean, "sampling ingredients"? Alchemist: Well... like, take this deathbell for instance. Dragonborn: Okay. Alchemist: Okay then, you just sample it. <bites> Dragonborn: Okay... that seems like a huge health hazard. Alchemist: Nooo... it's perfectly s-- <coughs blood> Dragonborn: Wha-- what the fuck, man? <Alchemist clears throat> Alchemist: ...safe. And uh... Anyway, you just keep on trying whatever you have available... Dragonborn: No no no no no no...!
<Alchemist bites> That's... the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. Alchemist: Eh, it's really pretty good once you get past the nail. Dragonborn: Oh, my God... please tell me that's not a human heart... Alchemist: Well, this is "Love Hurts" right? So... <chuckles> Dragonborn: Stop! Look... there's gotta be a better way to learn this... ...than becoming a FUCKING CANNIBAL!! Alchemist: Well... I guess... ...it's a good time to move on to lesson number two. Dragonborn: Yeah! Please! Alchemist: Okay, forget the eating. Just take all the ingredients you have at your disposal... ...and just start... fuckin'... mixin' 'em all together. Oh! Now check this out! Dragonborn: Oh, no no no... is that what I think it is...? Alchemist: Well, I... maybe. I mean... I don't fuckin' know what you... think it is. Dragonborn: Yeah... it is... look... Please don't... put that anywhere near your mouth... Alchemist: It's for science! Dragonborn: It's not necessary! <Alchemist gnaws on spider egg> I think I'm actually gonna be sick... Alchemist: The only thing that's sick is how much we're learning! Arcadia: Hey! The the fuck out of my shop! High Elf Noble: Okay, I'm here. What is this about? Whiterun Guard: Well, your son's been getting into a few problems at school. Noble: Really? How so? I'll beat him immediately! Whiterun Guard: Well, he's been running around calling the little Orc children "hammers". Noble: I... I don't... Whiterun Guard: He's basically calling them "pig elves". Noble: Ohhh... I see, I see. "Hammers". <chuckles> Whiterun Guard: Is this funny? Noble: No, no. I-- I just don't think he meant anything by it. He just plays too many games. Even calls himself a "gamer" and wants grow up to be the best gamer in the world. A "professional gamer", he calls it. A "professional gamer"... Ohh, shit! Bandit Thug: Okay, it's all set boss, and he should be here soon. Bandit Plunderer: Good. Are you sure this is gonna work? Bandit Thug: Hehe, trust me. If he even makes it this far, he ain't even gonna know what hit him. <Dragonborn opens door> Bandit Plunderer: <gasps> Get down! Get down! Here he comes! <tripwire breaks> <small boulders falling onto ground> Dragonborn: Wow. J'zargo: Why have you taken J'zargo to the middle of nowhere? Dragonborn: I know, I'm sorry. I'm just trying to be safe. I've got some shouts that I-- I wanted to uh... work on and... I just didn't wanna be around anyone, just in case. J'zargo: Whoa, whoa, whoa. J'zargo is not your test kitty. <Dragonborn shouts> J'zargo is your test kitty. Dragonborn: Alright, well that one worked. Glad you're finally "seeing" it my way! <shouts> J'zargo: J'zargo is happy to hel--... J-- J'zargo can't see. <gasps> J'zargo is blind! <pants> J'zargo is freaking out! Dragonborn: Easy, easy, I'll fix it. <shouts> J'zargo: No no, you didn't fix it! J'zargo is sti-- <hiccups> J'zargo is sti-- <hiccups> You gave J'zargo the hiccups! Plea-- <sobs> --ease... just let J'zargo die... Dragonborn: Oh, come on... it's not that bad. That's just the depression shout talking. Courier: Ah, I've been looking for you. Got some things I'm supposed to deliver. Dragonborn: Dude! How the hell do you find me in the middle of nowhere? Courier: Oh, it's not for you. It's for a Mr. J-- Jizz... Last name: Argo? J'zargo: It's "J'zargo"! Courier: That's not what I have here. J'zargo: Give it to me! "Your test results have come back positive." Dragonborn: Oooh... J'zargo: Wha-- what doe-- what does this mean? Dragonborn: <inhales through teeth> Sorry. J'zargo: You're sorry? Courier: Umm... J'zargo: And what the fuck are you still doing here?! Courier: I've got three more letters for you. <J'zargo hisses> Dragonborn: Are you sure this is right? J'zargo: J'zargo does not repeat himself. Dragonborn: Yeah, but this is saying that we've gotta go all the way up here, pass the spider nest, play this stupid rock-spinning game, just to unlock the loading door that leads down into the lower crypts, which is like a mile-long stretch full of zombies and traps before we even get to the room with the claw key door, which again, is full of huge fucking spiders. J'zargo: Hey. J'zargo just gave you the map, okay? He did not build the fucking place. Dragonborn: Yeah, I know, but there's a door right here that leads to the shout. There's gotta be some way to open it. J'zargo: Well, if J'zargo was the Dragonborn, I'm sure he could find a way, but... Dragonborn: You know what? Fuck you, J'zargo. You're always fucking sayin' something. Dragon Priest: Would you two shut the hell up?! Tryin' to sleep! Dragonborn: Hey! Hey, open the door! Dragon Priest: Nah... you gotta go the long way! Dragonborn: Listen, I wasn't gonna hurt you, but if you make me go all the way around, I swear to God, I'm gonna steal your fucking soul! Dragon Priest: Oh, yeah? Well, I got like six skeletons in here, so bring it, bitch! Belethor: Hey. What do you have for me today? Dragonborn: Oh, you know. The usual shitty weapons and gear. <drops mound of gear onto countertop> Belethor: Alright. Well... you got anything else? Dragonborn: Nah, not really. Nothing you'd be interested in. Belethor: Nonsense! I'll buy anything! Just the other day, I bought a whole bunch of ingots made of petrified mammoth shit. Don't ask me where they came from, because-- Dragonborn: Okay, I was being polite. I don't have anything else you can afford. Okay? Belethor: Ehh... ohh... I mean, I-- I guess I don't really keep a lot of money on hand. Dragonborn: I know. Belethor: It's... just a bad neighborhood... Dragonborn: No, it isn't. Belethor: And I... I don't wanna get robbed... Dragonborn: You wouldn't. Belethor: I... Dragonborn: Just-- it's okay. Do-- do you think we can wrap this up? Belethor: Sure, sure. How 'bout... 200 for everything? Dragonborn: That's not your best price. How 'bout 220? Belethor: That's... I... a little too high, I can't... Dragonborn: Yeah... you can. Belethor: That's 10% more... Dragonborn: And you can do that, so don't play games with me. Belethor: I'm not playing games, I just-- Dragonborn: GIVE ME 220. Belethor: Seems fair. Black Soul Gem #1: Yo man, yo-yo-yo! Let's talk about this! Le-- let-- <Metal clang, soul gem screams> Black Soul Gem #2: You bitch-ass mo'fucka, I'ma fuckin' nail y'all-- <Metal clang, soul gem screams> Black Soul Gem #3: Yo, man dis wrong. <deep breath> Dis shit wrong, man. This... thi-- <Metal clang, soul gem screams> Dragonborn: <clears throat> Hey. Sergius Terrianus: I told you I'd be with you in just a second. Dragonborn: Uh yeah, I just had a question. Where the hell did you get all these soul gems? Sergius: Well, where the hell do you think? They're black soul gems and they need to be filled with a black per-- Dragonborn: No! No no no, that is not correct. Sergius: You mean--... Dragonborn: That you can fill them with a soul from any type of human being, yes. Sergius: Well, look. I honestly did not know that, or there would definitely be some whi-- Dragonborn: J-- j-- j-- j-- just stop. Sergius: Okay, I-- I'm just saying that I would never knowingly single out one type of person especially for some superficial reason. Black Soul Gem #4: Oh, he's so full of shit! Dragonborn: You know how screwed up you are, right? Sergius: <groans> What the hell did you want, anyway? Dragonborn: Well, I was gonna say that these enchants you taught me are fucking garbage. You got my armor glowing all the colors of the rainbow, my boots actually INCREASE carry weight, and look what you did to my sword. <woman moaning (yes, seriously)> <wolf bark> I mean, I don't even wanna know. Sergius: Well, obviously you weren't paying attention to your lessons. Dragonborn: Why don't you just give me back my fucking money? Sergius: And why don't YOU just go sex your own body? Crimson Nirnroot: Muurrrder tiiiiimme. <Giant yawning> Dragonborn: That's right! Come on, buddy! Giant: Huh? Dragonborn: Hey there, big guy! Yeah, you remember me, don't you? Giant: Huh? Dragonborn: You owe me a toe. <rips off Giant's toe and Giant screams in pain> <Dragonborn draws sword and continually slashes giant, giant screams several times in pain> <final slash kills giant, he collapses> <Dragonborn panting and running> Dragonborn: Hey, guys. Sorry about that. <exhales deeply> He had it coming, though. <exhales deeply> Anyway I, uh... I'll be on my way now. Well, unless... I mean, you guys wouldn't happen to know where I could fill two grand soul gems, would you? Dragonborn: Ohhh! My house comes with food? Sweet! Aw, shit. Uh... Ah. Here we go. I'll just put you right... back... down. Here we go. Oohhh-kay... Ohh-kay... how about... <candle drops onto plate, plate crashes onto floor> <deeply sighs> God dammit. <bones rattling, footsteps on carpeted wood> Proventus Avenicci: Oh, good day to you, Dragonborn. Back so soon? Dragonborn: Yes, sir! Those bandits won't be bothering you guys anymore. Proventus: <sigh of relief> Excellent work. You've done us a great service. Dragonborn: Aw. You know, it was nothing. Proventus: Well, here's your reward. Dragonborn: Naw, I'm just tryin' to do my part and... ...and did-- did you just give me a hundred gold? Proventus: Well yes, I did. Would... you prefer silver, or... Dragonborn: What is that, like a... down payment? Or something? Proventus: I'm not... sure I'm following... Dragonborn: You know I was being modest when I said it was no big deal, right? Proventus: I... Dragonborn: Because clearing out a bandit hive is actually pretty fuckin' dangerous undertaking. Which is why your pussy guards couldn't handle it themselves. Proventus: Is there anything else I can-- Dragonborn: Yeah. You piqued my fuckin' interest now. Here's a contract on the giant that kept shitting on your roads. Proventus: Yes, yes, of course. I remember that. Dragonborn: Yeah well, there were two giants. Not one. And a couple mammoths that didn't exactly stand by and watch me murder their masters. Proventus: Well, again, you've done us a great service. And uh... If there's nothing else, I'm going to uh-- Dragonborn: Actually, no. I-- I just have one more bounty for you to look at. Proventus: Oh, my. I don't remember issuing... <screams> What the fuck?! Dragonborn, sarcastically: Oh, I'm sorry. Proventus: <screams> My brain! What have you done, Dragonborn?! <Candle slamming on table> Dragonborn: Fus... RO DAH!!! <loud thunderclap> <Footsteps on stone> Whiterun Guard: Wait!
Dragonborn: Whoa, man! Can't just pop out o' nowhere like that! Whiterun Guard: I know you! Dragonorn: Yeah, I know. Look, I don't have time for this again. There's a dragon tearing shit up out there, and if I don't go do somethi-- Whiterun Guard: You're not going anywhere! You've committed crimes probably, at some point. Around here. What say you in your defense? Dragonborn: <chuckles> Well, I guess first, I'd say that-- Whiterun Guard: Shut up! I've heard about your honeyed words! <Dragon roars> Dragonborn: Okay, that's... not... even the same dragon I was talking about. Whiterun Guard: I don't care! You're a wanted man, so you can either do your time or pay your fine! Dragonborn: Or... because I'm in such a hurry, maybe you and I could work something out? Whiterun Guard: Uhh... Ohh... oohhhhh... Dragonborn: Ooohhhhhhh... Whiterun Guard: Ahh okay, I see what you're saying. Dragonborn: I don't think you do...! Dragonborn: Just gimme whatever. I really need to go. <Footsteps on stone, door opens and closes> <Fihada sniffs three times> Fihada: Ohh... they shit themselves. <bones rattling> <Dragonborn clears throat> Black Door: What is life's great illusion? Dragonborn: <clears throat> Innocence, my brother. Black Door: You are not worthy! Dragonborn: What? No, that's the correct response. <bones rattle> Dragonborn: Hello? Black Door: What? Dragonborn: Open the hell up! The fuck do you mean, "What?" Black Door: You must prove your worthiness. Dragonborn: I just. Did. Black Door: Noooo... Dragonborn: Yes! I said the right words! What the hell else do you expect me to do? Black Door: Remove your clothes. Dragonborn: Wh-- whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... Black Door: Sloooowwwlyyyy. Dragonborn: You're a sick little fuckin' door, you know that? Black Door: Dance for me. Dark Brotherhood Assassin: Grind...
<Other assassin laughing quietly> Grind that hot dragon ass against my face.
<Other assassin continually laughing> Dragonborn, muffled: What the fuck kind of a sick place is this? Assassin: Come on, bring it! Bound me in the male slot! <Other assassin keeps laughing> <Ancient dragon breathes fire> Dragonborn: Whoa, whoa, whoa, man! Take it easy! <Continues to breathe fire> Actually, I take that back. It's freezing out here! Ancient Dragon: Okay, what the fuck is going on? Dragonborn: Well, it's kinda obvious that my gear's enchanted and-- Ancient Dragon: Shut it. So, what? My flames do not affect you? Dragonborn: Well... no. Not really. No. Ancient Dragon: That's fucking cool, man! Dragonborn: <chuckles> I know right? Ancient Dragon: That's some cool shit! Dragonborn: Yeah, I mean it definitely comes in handy. Ancient Dragon: Yeah, yeah, I bet! So what else you got? Dragonborn: Oh, man. I got tons of cool stuff. Look at this! FEIM! Ancient Dragon: Whoa! You're a ghost! I can see right through you! Dragonborn: Pretty cool, right? Now check this shit out! TIID! Ancient Dragon: That was amazing! How do I not know any of these words? Dragonborn: Okay, okay, wait! You're gonna love this, this one's one of my favorites. It's gonna make your jaw hit the floor, watch. Ancient Dragon: Whoa, man! You're unbelievable! You--... <top half of head yanked off, collapses loudly> <Legendary Dragon flaps wings, lands on ground> Dragonborn: Oh. Hello. Well, I guess I can carry a few more bone-- <Legendary Dragon chomps Dragonborn> Dragonborn, strained: Ohh... that bite... Dragonborn: Hey, I'm here to see about joining the Dawnguard. Isran: Well, that's good. We need as many soldiers as we can... You'r--... you're the Dragonborn. Dragonborn: Uh... yeah. You know me? Isran: Of course. Everybody knows you. Dragonborn: Well... I guess people do talk. Isran: You're the piece of shit that hasn't killed Alduin yet. Dragonborn: Alduin? Holy shit... I <chuckles> totally forgot about that! Isran: Get the fuck out of my castle. Dragonborn: <chuckles> Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Isran: Can't solve the vampire crisis before you solve the dragon crisis! Get shit all mixed up! Dragonborn: <chuckles> Alright, alright. If it makes you feel better, I'll go face him first. Isran: Yeah, and don't come back until you-- Dragonborn: Kill Alduin, I got it! <closes door> Isran: Pfft. Can you fuckin' believe that guy? <Dawnguard member muttering, muffled> Isran: What? <door closes> Isran: What the hell are you doin' back here? Dragonborn: What? You said I could join-- Isran: After Alduin is dead. Dragonborn: So... Isran: Are you saying you just fucking killed Alduin? Dragonborn: I thought that was obvious. Isran: Alduin? Dragonborn: Yeah! Isran: Dead? Dragonborn: Done! Isran: Damn! Dragonborn: <laughs> Damn right! It was... pretty easy, actually. I even killed his brother, e-- even though... he was... he was pretty cool. I'm... I'm kinda feeling like a dick. Gumnar: Hey, there. What can I do for you? Dragonborn: Yeah, I heard that you guys sold like... armored-up trolls? Is that right? Gunmar: Oh, that's right. We train them for battle and we sell them to the Dawnguard members. Dragonborn: Oh, hell! I'll take one! That's pretty damn cool. Can I... pay you? Or... Gunmar: Well, the only problem is we... we don't really have any ready... right now. You see, old trolls can't be trained, so we need to steal their babies. Dragonborn: And... I'm guessing since it's a relatively new operation... Gunmar: We only have untrained babies. Ingjard: No, no! Stop! Stop it! Bad troll! <Ingjard yelling in pain, armored troll growling and scratching> Dragonborn: Gaahh...! <sighs> Well... how much for one of them? Lord Harkon: Ahh, you've brought me the bow and my daughter. Saves me a trip. Serana: We've come here to stop you, Father. Dragonborn: Yeah, plus... you know your lazy ass was never gonna leave the house, anyway. Lord Harkon: Hey! Yes, I would have! E-- eventually. Dragonborn: Anyway, I was also hoping that... while I was here, I could kind of... get your blessing. Lord Harkon: My--... Dragonborn: You know... to date your daughter and... marry her and... have lots of little vampire babies. Lord Harkon: What? Dragonborn, through teeth: Cuz she's kinda the shit! Lord Harkon: Ah-- wha--? No! Serana: See? I told you he was an ass. Dragonborn: <laughs> Yeah, well... you were right. Lord Harkon: Tch, fools. You're both about to die, anyway. Dragonborn: Oh, we're the fools? You're the one that's going all crazy over this stupid prophecy! Lord Harkon: Hey! It's-- it's not stupid. But, y'know... I don't expect you to understand-- Dragonborn: Understand what? That without the sun, all the plant life's gonna die, which is gonna kill all the animals, which is gonna kill all the people, which is eventually gonna kill all the vampires? Lord Harkon: Wait wait wait wait... can... can you say all that again? Dragonborn: Not to mention the sun doesn't even hurt you! I've been walking around with your daughter for weeks! You can go out in the sunlight whenever you want! Lord Harkon: Pfft. Yeah, well... you CAN. But... It's fuckin' annoying. Dragonborn: So... now that your father's a... steaming pile of blood over there in the corner... I... wanted to ask you something. Serana: Look... I know what you're gonna say. And my answer is still "no". Dragonborn: Okay. Fine. Will you at least marry me? Serana: No! Dragonborn: Why not? Serana: I don't even know what you look like! Dragonborn: Me neither! Y'know why? Because I'm not vain and I don't spend all day in front of the mirror. Serana: What are you saying, that I do? Dragonborn: Of course not. You don't even have a reflection. <Serana gasps> Dragonborn: I'm just saying that... y'know... there's... alchemy here. Serana: Y-- you mean chemistry? Dragonborn: No... it's so much more than that. Serana: Oh, wow... Dragonborn: We saved the world together! Serana: I just... I'm not ready. Dragonborn: Really? Well, I wasn't ready to become a freak, but I did that for you. Serana: Whoa! Vampires aren't freaks! Dragonborn: Oh, yeah? Well... <transforms> <Serana gasps> Dragonborn, slurred: I'm pretty sure this qualifies... Apparently, I've mixed too many bloods... Dragonborn: Hey, I uhh... I almost forgot I... I have a gift for you. Serana: A gift? So... you're not mad at me anymore? Dragonborn: Come on... we're cool. We've been through way too much for that. Anyway, I... I really hope you like it. Serana: Ohh... ehh ahh... is this-- is this men's armor? Dragonborn: Oh, yeah. Sorry, I... I really couldn't get your exact measurements from the friendzone. Stalhrim Rep: Pardon me, lovebirds. But I couldn't help but notice your outdated adventuring apparel. Dragonborn: E-- excuse me? Outdated? Dude, I wear nothing but the best. Stalhrim Rep: As you should. With that said, may I present to you: stalhrim! Dragonborn: Oh, I get it. You're... you're like a salesman. Stalhrim Rep: I'm a mere promoter of personal safety, good sir. Dragonborn: Okay, listen. I-- I'm not interested in whatever... that... is. Stalhrim Rep: Well, perhaps you'd like to acquire a female set. I see that your wife is wearing-- Serana: Whoa!
Dragonborn: Okay, first of all, she's not my wife. Serana: Thank you. Dragonborn: ...yet.
Serana: Oh, for fuck's sake...! Dragonborn: And secondly, Daedric armor has the best defense rating. So, it'll protect her more. Stalhrim Rep: I cannot deny that aethetically, it is the most befitting of a soulless creature of the night. Dragonborn: Yeah, that's what I thought too.
Serana: What? Dragonborn: I-- I-- I mean... hey! Easy! Stalhrim Rep: But if it is indeed the best, then why would you yourself wear an inferior set? Dragonborn: <sighs> It's a tiny difference, okay? And dragonbone weighs less. Stalhrim Rep: Well, stalhrim weighs even less than dragonbone, and matches it in defense. Dragonborn: But dragonbone weapons are the most damaging. Stalhrim Rep: And the heaviest, which is counter-intuitive to your original point. Dragonbone: No, I just prefer damage o-- <sighs> Look, bottom line is I look like a dragon-slaying badass, and you look like the fuckin' lead skater in "Alduin on Ice". Dragonborn: What the hell is this place? Cultist, muffled: Hey, folks. Sorry to keep you waiting. Are you here to fill out an application, or-- <Cultist electrocuted then killed with ice spike and collapses> <Serana's arm buzzing from lightning> Serana: What?
Dragonborn: Nothing. I'll... I'll be right back. Miraak: Your hands were once idle. Now through them, you-- Dragonborn: Hello? Miraak: Uh... hello? Dragonborn: Is this Miraak? Miraak: Hey, hey get off this line. I'm doing my mantra here, and you're fucking with my chi. Dragonborn: Yeah, listen. I-- I don't really know what you're up to, or why you're building these things, but I'm gonna put an end to it. Miraak: Ha, there's nothing you can do. I control the minds of these workers, and they will only do my bidding. Dragonborn: Oh, yeah? Well, I'll just fucking kill 'em then. Miraak: Wh-- what? N-- no! Dragonborn: Especially these guys without names. "Reaver Outlaw"? <chuckles> Yeah, they can definitely go. Miraak: If you so much as touch a single worker-- Dragonborn: And then you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna masquerade around this fucking wasteland dressed as one of your cultists and tell people all kinds of shit. Like how much you love painting your toenails and brushing other men's hair. Dragonborn: You still there? Miraak: I'm here. Miraak: So you are the one that slayed Alduin. <chuckles> I could've done it myself, but I chose a different path. Dragonborn: You really think you could've killed Alduin? Miraak: With ease. But I chose a different pa-- Dragonborn: Because I heard that when you stepped up to the dragons, they mopped the floor with your ass and burned your temple t-- Miraak: Yeah well, you're a fool if you believe those lies. Back me up here, Hermaeus. Hermaeus Mora: I have learned... that history... is not always entirely... accurate. Miraak: See?
Dragonborn: I don't know, your temple was burnt to shit. Miraak: That's because I left a cigar burning on the nightstand, okay? It happens. Dragonborn: Sure, if by "cigar", you mean "Vahlok and a legion of pissed off dragons". Miraak: Enough talk! It's time to end this! <Dragon Aspect> Dragonborn: Oh, my fucking God... it's the rainbow warrior! Miraak: The-- what? Dragonborn: So that explains why your sword looks like a lurker's cock. Miraak: Hey! It does not! This was a gift from Hermaeus Mora. Tell him, Hermaeus. Hermaeus Mora: Erm... I have found... that there is such a thing... as too much information. <wind blowing> Dragonborn: <sighs> So this is it? You're just gonna go 'round and 'round? Legendary Dragon: Yeah. What did you expect? Dragonborn: Oh, I dunno. I guess I expected to fucking steer. Legendary Dragon: Yeah well, why don't you just leave flying to the professionals, okay? Dragonborn: This doesn't make any sense. I used Bend Will on you. Don't you have to do what I say? Legendary Dragon: Sure, if what you say is, "Fly me around in circles," or "Attack that skeever and take an hour to kill it." Dragonborn: This is bullshit. Legendary Dragon: Oh, I'm sorry. Is this not living up to your expectations? Dragonborn: No, it doesn't. I'm pretty damn disappointed, actually. Legendary Dragon: Well good, because I'm a legendary goddamn dragon, not your own personal fucking taxi service! Unless you want a non-stop ticket to the afterlife, bitch! I don't give a shit! I'm the original weapon of mass destruction! I'll turn night into day, motherfucker! So you can kiss my ass! Dragonborn: <clears throat> You think you could just drop me off near my house? Dragonborn: Whoa, hey guys! You guys are still here? Stormcloak Recruiter: Well, look who it is! Imperial Recruiter: Finally back from your vacation is Solstheim, huh? Dragonborn: Hey, I wasn't on vacation. I was saving fuckin' world! Again! Stormcloak Recruiter: Ohh, I guess there was an outbreak of fur-bikini clad island bitches, huh? Imperial Recruiter: Yeah, we know Alduin's dead. What were you savin' the world from? Dragonborn: Yeah, Alduin wasn't the problem. I had to face Miraak. Stormcloak Recruiter: Miraak? Imperial Recruiter: I don't... think I know who... that is. Stormcloak Recruiter: Yeah... but it sounds so familiar. Imperial Recruiter: Something... about a brothel? Stormcloak Recruiter: No, I... I think maybe a temple? Imperial Recruiter: Or... or a brothel temple? Stormcloak Recruiter: You mean a "bremple"? Dragonborn: Guys! W-- what the fuck? Imperial Recruiter: Anyway, it's interesting that this person just so happened to be on an island paradise. Dragonborn: Yeah, actually it was more like a volcanic wasteland full of despair where everything there tries to kill you. But y'know, whatever. Call it what you want. Stormcloak Recruiter: Come on... the island still has plenty of beautiful places to experience. Although to be fair, even though they're rare, you might want to prepare for the werebears there. What? They travel in packs. Imperial Recruiter: Well, I guess I'm not going to Solstheim anytime soon, then. Stormcloak Recruiter: Pfft. It's "Solstheim", not "salty time". I know the Imperialized education system is have to blame here, but you should still know these things. Imperial Recruiter: Hey, it's not that I don't know. It's like a Nordic island, right? Stormcloak Recruiter: Well basically, yes. Some of the first or-- Imperial Recruiter: Then it's that I don't give a flamin' pile o' pig shit then, isn't it? Stormcloak Recruiter: You son of a bitch... Dragonborn: Well, I can see you guys haven't changed very much. I guess... nobody's won the war yet? Stormcloak Recruiter: No... not yet. Imperial Recruiter: Turns out that... we're pretty evenly matched. Stormcloak Recruiter: Pfft. For now, maybe. Which is why we're upping our incentive program for new recruits. Dragonborn: Oh! Well that seems like a good idea. Stormcloak Recruiter: Yeah, instead of iron, we're giving away steel swords and shields to all new adult recruits. And any children that join get a free Dragonborn action figure and the ability to be a dragon. Dragonborn: To be a dragon? The... fuck are you talking about? Stormcloak Recruiter: It's just for their imagination. Basically, we give them a torch and a map to the nearest Imperial camp. Dragonborn: Guys, it's been interesting as always, but... I gotta get going. Imperial Recruiter: Wa-- wait! B-- before you go, will you join the Empire? Dragonborn: Not a chance in hell. Stormcloak Recruiter: So does that mean you're considering the Stormcloaks? Dragonborn: No, man. I don't think you two get it. <loud thunderclap> Imperial Recruiter: Whoa!
Stormcloak Recruiter: Holy shit! Dragonborn: I'm gonna be making some serious changes around here. <dragon roars>
Stormcloak Soldier: Hey! That's fucking Paarthurnax! Imperial Recruiter: What? You said you killed him! Dragonborn: I did. But then I used and Elder Scroll to go back through time and talk myself out of it. I'm actually a very reasonable person. Imperial Recruiter: But why?
Stormcloak Recruiter: Yeah? What are you planning? Dragonborn: Well... let's just say you guys are gonna want to burn those uniforms. Stormcloak: Ohh, shit... Imperial Recruiter: I-- I'm gonna lose all my benefits! Stormcloak Recruiter: I'm gonna lose my only pair of clothes!
