The Secret to Controlling Your Fears | #CoffeeTalk with Mel Robbins

all right hi how are you I'm Mel Robbins and this is coffee talk I need my coffee coffee talk is my live week day broadcast where I bring you behind the scenes on what I'm doing what the team is doing what we're working on and also where I share everything that I'm learning with you and today's coffee talk is all about feeling the fear and doing it anyway and I'm sure you've heard that statement right feel the fear and the thing that I want to talk to you about today is that there is not only a lot of inspiration behind that statement feel the fear but there's also a lot of science behind it and that's what we're going to talk about today that if you want to get through and break through your fears that are holding you back you're gonna need to learn to feel the fear and do it anyway you know yesterday I also want to just say that we talked about I know it wasn't yesterday was it yes did we know live yesterday I'm having a hard time remembering what's going on in my life because I've been on the road since Sunday I'm now in Miami yesterday we talked about living your passion and a lot of you were confused about where to turn in your life if you don't know how to live with more passion a lot of you keep saying you want to find your passion and so I want to remind you about the fact that if you missed yesterday's training it's a really important one about the definition of passion because passion is something that's in you it's something that you unlock it's something that you release it is not something that you go and find outside of you it's something you tap into inside of you if you miss that training make sure you go to Facebook or go to youtube and you can watch that training in full it's a super super super important one but today we're going to be talking about feel the fear because what you're going to learn to is that we tend to think about fear is something that's up here you know that the fears are all in our heads well the truth is your body feels fear and remembers fear and senses fear way before your mind does and the reason why I want to talk to you about this is because as many of you know we have a brand new audiobook that just launched with audible originals so audible originals is an imprint inside of audible we are a major partner of audibles and we just released a brand new audiobook it's their number one new release on audible called take control of your life how to silence fear and win the mental game and there were some unbelievable things that I learned and that my team learned and that we're now sharing with you in doing that project so take control of your life isn't your typical audio book it's not me just reading a book that I wrote what take control of your life is is take control of your life is a live coaching and takeaway program that's ten hours long and so there are six people that you meet when you listen to take control of your life and they have fears just like you have fears fears that are holding them back just like you have fears that hold you back fears that impact your life in a negative way and we go session by session for six sessions you listen to the coaching session you hear about somebody else's fear you hear me coaching this person live and then I spend like 45 minutes unpacking the entire coaching session for you and on top of it you guys there's a 55 page workbook that our team design that goes along as a companion to this audio book and you don't even need to buy the audio book to get the workbook or to get the takeaways because I'm giving you the takeaways for free here on our live stream so if you want the audio book just go to Mel Robbins comm slash take control and you can download the audio book and what I'm going to talk to you about today is I'm going to talk to you about the session that we did with Heather and take control of your life and it's a really incredible session because Heather is held back at work because what happens is when she has to have a really difficult conversation when there's something that she wants to talk to her boss about when there's a conflict with one of her colleagues you ever have a conflict with your colleagues at work ever feel like you work in a toxic work environment well this is something that you need to understand sometimes the toxicity in your work environment is about the other people and sometimes the toxicity in your work environment or in your life environment or your friend environment is about stored memories in your body from your childhood I know it's crazy stuff because the saying feel the fear and do it anyway it's true because your body feels situations that set you that puts you in a state of being afraid before your mind catches up and starts thinking about what you're afraid of and so one of the key takeaways from take control and one of the things that I want to teach you today is that if you start to tune in to your body and you start to notice the signals that your body is sending to you in your day to day life signals like butterflies in your stomach signals like feeling a rush of energy up to your neck signals like your armpits sweating signals like your hands getting sweaty signals that your body is stepping and noticing a situation that reminds it of your past learning how to read those signals that oh my god here goes my body my body is starting to recognize that this is a situation that puts me on edge recognising those signals first and slowing the body response down before your brain starts to go oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god that is a critical skill in taking control of your life and it's something that we learned about by doing this project with audible and that you can learn about today in today's live broadcast so when you feel out of control maybe you have to have a conversation like give me a situation in the it's telling me a situation right now when you think about it that it makes your stomach turn there's something that you need to do there's a conversation that you need to have tell me what it is do you have to talk to your sister-in-law do you have to go talk to your boss we got an incredible email today from a woman let me see if I can pull it up so I can give her a shout-out we got an incredible email today from a woman whose name I Michelle she took our mindset reset program after her sister recommended it she watched three of the 30 trainings just like you're watching a training right now and then she started listening to my first audio book the five-second rule which is absolutely incredible it's like having me sit next to you and just chatting with you four nine eight or nine hours and she started to realize oh my god I have been so fearful and so worried all the time and I didn't even realize how much of my worries and my fears are constantly in my head and I can relate to that how many of you do you feel like you worry too much do you feel like you live in your head too much do you wish that your mind was a more positive place you know what my daughter and I are here in Miami and I'm just like you my mind can be my worst enemy I was laying in bed last night and I had fallen asleep and I kept waking up and you know what I was thinking about I was waking up because I could hear people in the hallway kind of coming in from a late night of hurting and you know what the first thing that my mind defaulted to there being a fire in the hotel and I started having these visions of my daughter and I going down the stairwell and getting trapped and then I had visions of us being on the balcony on this room and Fire kind of engulfing and what are we doing or retiring a rope which I mean it's just insanity absolute insanity and I I used the techniques that I teach you I went 5 4 3 2 1 I am not thinking about this and the thought disappeared because I constantly reset my mindset and you know one of the reasons why I'm telling you this is if you are tired of feeling negative if you feel often that your own thoughts are the things that trip you up in life that you wish that your mind were more positive I'm telling you that I'm the same way just because I teach this stuff just because I study this just because I do what I do for a living doesn't make me immune to what it means to be human and what it means to be human is that your brain and your body want you to survive your brain and your body remember situations that scare the daylights out of you your brain and your body try to talk you out of anything that makes you feel risky and your brain given that it has been trained by situations in the past and given that you allow it to worry all the time you have a habit of doing it if you're not careful and you're not deliberate your brain will default to scary crap like mine was last night that doesn't mean you're broken it means that your brain is thinking something that's broken and it's time for you to reset your mindset and pull it back so where does this all connect up with feel the fear and do it anyway what is one thing that you know that you need to do that when you think about doing it and a lot of times it's a conversation when you think about doing it you get a pit in your stomach I want you to write in the comments what is that thing that you are afraid to do you know you should do it it's probably a conversation and oh here we go my 29 year old son came home he's living with us temporarily he's bringing women home late night from the bars he's a lot like his father so very confrontational having that conversation gives you a pit starting writing my book having a conversation with my coach leaving my home driving asking for my raise that I'm worth quitting my job calling that prospect in my business paying my taxes paying my bills working out in front of other people doing a presentation these are all driving to another state and busy traffic reaching out to new clients excellent opening up a business so as you think about this thing that you want what immediately happens is you feel a pit in your stomach that's what happens before your mind even goes oh I'm scared to call prospects oh I'm scared to leave a secure job oh I'm scared to write this new script oh I'm scared to lose weight before you I'm scared to address the issues in my marriage I'm scared to talk to my husband about money I'm scared to stand up for myself I'm scared to act as I feel I should because I'm scared about the negative consequences your brain doesn't even process it yet what happens is you have an idea about this thing that you know you need to do and you immediately feel a pit in your stomach or you feel your chest tighten or you feel energy rise up into your neck right your body is feeling the fear first and believe it or not part of the self awareness and self mastery and the ability to move your life forward is not only in 5 4 3 2 1 finding the instant motivation and courage to push yourself forward but the true liberation and freedom is gonna come when you start to understand the body signals that got programmed a long time ago long time ago in your body that are holding you back and learning how in those moments when you get a pit in your stomach to recognize it and slow the body sensations down and then move forward before your mind starts talking you out of it so a lot of what happens for us is you had situations when you were a kid maybe your mom or your dad were really intense maybe you grew up in a very competitive household maybe you were the kind of kid that things were better in your house when you were seen but not heard and so any and your body remembers it your body remembers situations when your parents were yelling because as a kid it feels traumatic your body remembers situations we're in a classroom you were nervous or afraid to be called out or be seen your body remembers moments when you were embarrassed and so what's interesting is that your body will now face any situation where you're about to be seen or you're about to speak up or you're about to do something where you're facing uncertainty or you're about to face judgment and your body remembers those situations and it starts to get nervous or agitated or on edge because it knows oh my god you're about to do something that's going to expose you and your body wants to keep you safe that's why your stomach starts to go grumbly that's why your chest starts to get tight because you are about to do something that exposes you you're about to do something that is new you're about to do something that is scary and your body wants to try to protect you now your bodies miss reading the situation by the way and so I want to share with you a story so this woman for 10 years for 10 years she has thought about asking her boss 10 years old if she can come in a little earlier and end her day at 4:30 so that she has more time with her husband and daughter in the evening 10.10 years and she's been thinking about it for 10 years because that's how long her daughter's been around her daughter is 10 years old so for as long as she's had a daughter she's been thinking thinking thinking thinking about asking her boss and you know what happens is every time she thinks about doing it she gets a pit in her stomach the pit in her stomach then makes her delude guess I better not do it oh that's Kendall hold on let me just turn off this phone um she's been thinking about it but then she gets this Behati signals right and she doesn't even realize she's afraid the body signals make her body feel afraid so she's been using the tools for three days that were teaching and you know yesterday she went in and she asked her boss if she could leave at 4:30 he said no problem and then because she had the courage to do that she asked if there was a way for her to take this professional development class something else she's been thinking about but she has pits in her stomach so she's not asking right the pit in her stomach the fear in her body it's stopping her and it's stopping you too the boss said sure let me talk to our fiscal director and see when we can actually put it in the budget for you to take the class and what she said she said just those two a simple axe just those two have boosted my confidence more than I ever thought possible and that's how this all works together and so back to today feel the fear and do it anyway that famous quote I want to tell you a little bit about the science so there's this famous neuroscience is called Antonio Damasio and he did a really interesting study where he discovered that our body senses fear before our mind even realizes it and when fear or danger speaking to your boss calling a prospect going to the gym when you're not proud of the way that you look and you know it's not fear like terror it's more that low-grade agitation in your body I felt it yesterday because I went to a bootcamp class yesterday and I'm not in good shape and I don't do bootcamp classes and Kendall and I are staying at this hotel where holy cow everybody seems like there's some sort of professional weightlifter or Instagram model and so it was really intimidating and I could feel that agitation in my body that's the kind of fear I'm talking about I'm not talking about the paralysis fear your life is threatened and you really are in a life-or-death situation I'm talking about the low-grade agitation that is there when you're about to do something that makes you feel a little uncomfortable so when fear or danger is sensed in the body your body begins a stress response before your mind even catches up and if you want to take control of your life you've got to take control of that physical state and it starts with catching these moments everyone when you start to feel it okay and so for some of you it may be a pit in the stomach for some of you it may be tightening in the chest for Heather who was one of the people I coached and take control it was this massive wave of heat that went into her chest tightness or rash and then she could start to feel that she was crying you need to understand how do you react to situations that make you nervous write it in the comments write it in the comments is it a tightness in your stomach is it a tightness in your chest is it a tense breathing is it a rash do your thoughts race what is it that happens to you when you think about going in and talking to your boss about a raise what is it that happens to you when you think about picking up the phone and calling a prospect in your business there's tightness in the chest crying shallow breathing the heatwave comes on my thoughts start to race my tummy gets upset excellent excellent these are all physiological responses of your body getting in a state where it's about to pay attention it doesn't mean that anything's going to go wrong the problem is when you feel that chest sweat stomach drop the shutting down the nervous belly when you feel that you immediately assume something is wrong and you have trained yourself to do one of two things shut up or don't show up that's it that's it and what we want you to do is I want you when the when that happens what I want you to do is go oh here's my body here's my body sensing something just call it out for what it is and then I want you to slow your body down I want you to take a DNA up here's Roe the realtor I use the five-second rule to ask for a better commission split and I got it good because here's the other interesting piece of science you know that um wave that you feel or your tongue gets numb or you get tightness in your cheeks or you freeze you know when that happens based on the science there is only a 90 second chemical release in your body it's called the 90-second rule when your body starts the stomach starts to flutter when your heart starts to raise when you feel this feeling of fear that you have that's unique to you based on the science there's a 90 second rule and all of the chemical release that's happening because your body is going into a state of being alert it only sticks around for 90 seconds as long as you don't let your thoughts race if your thoughts start to race you'll start to agitate the situation so what we want you to do what I want you to do and if you go to Mel Robbins comm slash take control and you download the 55 page workbook that goes with our audiobook that is the number one new release on audible called take control how to silence fear and win the mental game if you look on pages 12 and 13 of the workbook there's a long list of things that you can do to slow your body responds to fear down so the next time that your body goes into a state of alert stomach gets tight you feel frozen you get stock you feel your neck when the body starts to do that number one just remember it means your body is getting ready to be alert and pay attention doesn't and it does not mean you're gonna lose control it does not mean you're in danger it does not mean to stop or to shut up I want you to take a deep breath count to 5 5 4 3 2 1 that's it and realize that the hormones that just got released because you're about to do something they're only last 90 seconds that's it you can breathe slowly you can count to 90 you can get up and walk around you can do 90 seconds of jumping jacks you can meditate for 90 seconds you can ground your feet in your chair and wiggle a minute so that you feel your body in your chair and take deep breaths and what you're going to find is that you're going to be blown away you're going to be blown away because what you're going to see is that in 90 seconds flat you can go from being somebody who has an upset stomach and who would normally not go talk to your boss who would normally not walk into that gym who would normally not make that call in 90 seconds flat you can manipulate your body state to calm down and you will notice that your thoughts do not race your thoughts calm down you're in full control and now you can speak up and now you can show up and here's what even cooler by doing this by interrupting the fear response and the thoughts racing you're retraining your body responds to situations the more you do this the less on-edge your body will be in similar situations the more you do this the less likely your thoughts will race when you get into situations that are uncomfortable or makes you scared let's see what makes them worry and Tracy before I sign off I'm asking Tracy my team member or do we have any questions that you want me to address if you have questions put them in the comments real quick but what I want you to do today is I want you to I want you to think of a situation that you've been avoiding that makes you nervous and I want you to do it and I want you to expect expect expect expect for your body to go on edge I want you to expect for it to feel uncomfortable I want you to expect for your heart to race and then I want you to use the techniques I'm talking about I want you to go oh my body is getting ready to do something it doesn't mean I'm losing control in fact I'm gonna take control you're gonna take 90 seconds wiggle into your seat feel your body and your seat take a deep breath and you're gonna slow your body response down and then you're gonna do it and I want you to observe how you're able to control the situation in that window and how empowering it is and I want you to tell us on social media how did you use this take a photo of yourself at work using it take a photo of yourself outside the gym using it take a photo of yourself about to make a cold call using it okay that's what I want you to do today now tomorrow tomorrow we're gonna be talking about another takeaway from Heather's session and that is the power of expecting an out we have a quick question kelly wants to know does this work for PTSD you know Kelly we talk about PTSD extensively in the power of you and not in the power of you in take control the new audio book in fact the last session and the last pages of the workbook which are free are all about PTSD and not PTSD necessarily around active duty but PTSD that you might have by witnessing or experiencing trauma in your childhood or trauma even as an adult and so yes this can be incredibly helpful with you trying to reprogram your response to triggers related to PTSD and the last session of take control of your life is groundbreaking for PTSD because we talked to a woman who is a veteran but ironically the PTSD that she it's not even ironically the veteran she's a veteran but her PST her PTSD comes from being raised in a very very abusive household and all of the trauma that she experienced personally and that she witnessed and it is life-changing absolutely life-changing for you to listen to that session for you to do the exercises in the workbook and again I'm talking about take control of your life the number one new release on audible and absolutely try it the five-second rule also works with reprogramming your response to triggers and another thing that really works with PTSD or people have had a tremendous amount of success with it is EMDR therapy the rapid eye movement light therapy lots and lots and lots of success with that and you can combine all of these together and of course you know go talk to somebody about that a professional if you have PTSD because you need professional help and you deserve it somebody just says how long does it take to change your worried patterns I think that's personal but we have testimonials from around the world that people are seeing life-changing radical changes in their body states and in their mindsets in a matter of two or three days one story in particular sticks out a woman was using all the techniques that we teach from the five-second rule to say you're excited to using anchor thoughts to mastering your body responds and quieting your body down before the fear hits your head she had a daughter who was six years old who was throwing up before school and within two days of using these techniques this young lady was bounding out of the car excited to go to school her teachers couldn't believe it and neither could her mother I get it but why ninety seconds has to do with research done by people way smarter than me it has to do with the fact that when you would step into a situation and your body reads all of the signals around it as threatening even if it isn't talking to your boss walking into the gym starting to work on your novel picking up the phone and making a cold call for a business that you love those are not dangerous situations but your body reads it like it's dangerous because you're about to put yourself out there you're about to expose yourself and so your body gets tense and goes into a state of being alert and stress hormones get released and that body state only lasts for 90 seconds if nothing happens to you if there is no danger all of the the stress hormone disappears and you move on the problem is that most of us most of us feel the physical response we get tense we just had an excellent example my every time my ex-husband brings his girlfriend to family events I instantly get tense and insulted and have a physical response to seeing that exactly exactly I used to be like that to that there were certain people that would show up at parties and I would feel this intense physical response because I felt very threatened and you have to expect that you're gonna feel it the second you feel like oh here it is again I'm not gonna take control I'm going to just quiet my body down take a deep breath and then you also have to come up with a plan B so in a situation like that you need an anchor thought you need a plan B I realize you're tense I realize you're angry I realize it makes you uncomfortable but you must come up with a new way to think of about your new life because his ex-girlfriend doesn't matter and if you make her that important that you are that tense then you're not moving on with your life this is gonna sound crazy but you know if you had a terrible divorce maybe you should be happy that she's stuck with them and you're no longer stuck with them alright I am just go to social media and tag us tag post photos on social media of what you're doing and tag us and that's it and we'll find you Mele there featuring her story or starting to feature a lot of your photos and behind-the-scenes stuff in our newsletter our newsletter went out today by the way you're not on the list we've got nearly 350,000 people from around the world that get our free weekly newsletter it's a letter from me to you sharing with you things that I'm thinking about scenes from behind the road links to lots of cool stuff if you want to get on it just go to Mel Robbins calm on the home page there's a free sign up for it I think that's it so in case nobody else tells you today I want to be the one to tell you that I love you and I believe in your ability to change your life for the better because when you change how you think it changes your life when you change a little things that you do it changes your life and as you learned today when you feel the fear and you change your response to it and you settle in your body it changes your life alright have an awesome day we'll be live again tomorrow from Miami sometime between 8:00 and 10:00 a.m. Eastern and tomorrow's training is about the power of expecting a no it's a must watch for anyone who is afraid of failing anyone who's afraid of trying new things anyone who is struggling with perfectionism and that means it's perfect for you alright I will see you tomorrow and I'll see you on social media for the rest of the day bye

Channel: Mel Robbins

Views: 103,219

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Id: SOQCCcU-wBE

Length: 31min 18sec (1878 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 21 2019