The RED FLAGS In Dating You Should NEVER IGNORE! (Spot A Liar) | Vanessa Van Edwards

i think if you really want to be accurate at reading people you're looking for what are the hidden emotions that someone doesn't feel safe sharing and one can you address them but two can you make them feel more safe research finds about 60 to 90 percent of our communication is non-verbal that's a lot it's insane your subconscious is incredibly good at reading cues but for some reason we've forgotten them 82 of our judgments of people have to do with warmth and competence alone [Music] vanessa van edwards back in the house to teach us how we can read people what cues they're giving and what cues we're giving out and where i want to start is something that you say in your book about how you can like go on a day or go like to a job interview and you think oh my god they love me or they they're going to immediately call me the guy's gonna call me as soon as i get home i felt the connection i saw all the signs and then you get completely blindsided and it's the opposite of what you actually thought it was okay blindsiding is one of my greatest fears where you're on a date you think it's going great you're in a meeting you're giving a picture you're like yes this interview's going to go so well and you get home you'll get a call you don't get a text you've got to follow up you get ghosted okay i think that the reason why this happens is because we get so in our own heads we have rehearsed answers we have great stories we want to share but we are not reading their cues and this is the biggest mistake that smart people make this is not a dumb thing this is actually a smart thing so if you are highly intelligent highly smart very aware the mistake that you make is you miss the cues being sent to you because you're focused on delivering the best brightest most smart thing that you can think of and that actually blinds us so one of my kind of motivations for this book was i don't want anyone to be blindsided anymore you know for many years i don't even talk about this part in the book is i had i think toxic people in my life i think i allowed people to blindside me where i was spending time with people and i wasn't reading their cues i was really in my head i was focused on being my best and brightest self and i missed their toxic cues and so i think that i want to empower people to be able to read exactly what cues are being sent to you so you are never blindsided yeah i want you to know exactly what's going to happen next yeah so let's get started girl let's do it let's go down the road okay so there are four different kinds of cues i think a lot of people when i think about cues they think about like body language and body language is one of them so non-verbal is the the big communication channel research finds it's about sixty to ninety percent of our communication is non-verbal that's a lot it's insane it's insane because we often think about our verbal and not as much as how we say it so non-verbal facial expressions that's also our body language and our body posture that's only one column though the second is verbal which obviously we talk a lot about so our words and the last two are the ones that i think we never think about that is vocal so our inflection our volume our pace our cadence what our voice tone and our vocal cords give away or what people we're hearing what that gives away how they're feeling and the last one is imagery the colors we wear the ornaments we wear like for example even just here if we were to think about a snapshot like if we see your wonder woman necklace that is an emblem that shows something about your nonverbal brand that shows strength and courage and power it tells me about your your role model you hear your goals today i chose red i don't know if you could guess why yeah buddy i'm in a red mood today and there's also color cues colors cue us in certain ways too so the last one is imagery colors cues ornaments our jewelry our hair for both men and women um the images and the props behind us in our profile pictures in our dating pictures so um i think that what people when they're thinking about their dating pictures they think about their face how they look their hair may be what they're wearing but we don't always think about other information that we can use to help us cue okay and that's props so some really fascinating research looked at the different props that we hold in pictures and what these do is they create neural maps so neural maps and that sounds fancy but actually all it is is that one prop can activate an entire neural map in your brain and it you might have read this part in the book but hopefully you won't remember it but okay so think of a moon everyone think of a moon think of a moon over the ocean close your eyes think of it now tell me a laundry detergent so most people after they hear that would say tied the laundry detergent and they actually did this in the lab they actually found that they could cue people to the answer they wanted with specific imagery cues because when we think of a moon and ocean we think of gravity we think of tides why this is really powerful especially in dating is people are making these really quick decisions and so in a picture you don't want to just want to be pretty or handsome and i think that's what people focus on i want to be pretty or handsome you also want to activate neural maps that's how you get that extra second when someone's like swipe swipe swipe and they pause for an extra second it's because you've activated a neural map so for example a a dog might activate someone's neural map if someone has their own dog they're going to think of all the warm and fuzzies with their dog that one's obvious there's also not so obvious ones like so for example like a snowboard could activate adventure and travel or a type of food in the background of your picture right if you see a bowl with chopsticks and they think it's fu that could activate the right kind of neural map for the right people so i want you to think about what neural maps do you want to activate right do you want someone who's a passionate foodie or really outdoorsy or really into book smarts have those props in your pictures that's going to activate those neural maps around you one weird one one weird one is research shows straight men should not hold cats i'm so sorry this study was quite clear that when straight men hold cats women do not find them as attractive i don't know why i'm so sorry to the cat lovers out there can i tell you why because when i heard when i heard you saying this immediately i was like oh women won't like that and i it wasn't surprising only because i actually like cats but they are dismissive they are the king of the castle they don't care about you as an owner they will absolutely claw your eyes out if you given a chance between them and you they'll choose them every time dogs aren't like that dogs are loyal dogs are like um forgiving they'll sit at your feet like it's like so it's you're right it activated a personality neural map you just answered a question that i've literally had for years since this study is that's right is a cat is not just a cats right the way that neural maps work is it's clusters of words so let's say that there's a rose in your picture right that might make someone think of sure flowers but it also might make them think of the bachelor right it also might make them think of their grandmother because their grandmother always had red roses so the clusters of words and you're right a cat is not just a cat it also has a cluster of personality traits right yeah like sometimes more standoffish sometimes more mysterious and if women want a man who's going to be loyal they might not think of that in their neural map per cat so i think that this is like a little superpower right so don't just think about your attractiveness or your approachableness and these photos including your linkedin photos right how can you add cues imagery cues that are going to help you so like even for example in the background of linkedin profile pictures what could you on the background like there's a difference between if you're on a green background or if you're in a corporate background on our videos one thing that i've learned is if i can have props behind me that help my cause it makes my clicks better it makes my watch time better so you know we we talked about the four different types right so um non-verbal verbal vocal and imagery there's also the way i like to think about this is there's two goals with our cues and this is also with reading people is that we are constantly trying to assess someone's warmth and competence that researcher dr susan fisk this incredible research out of princeton found that 82 of our judgments of people have to do with warmth and competence alone that is crazy yeah we end up we think oh i want them to think we're funny and likable and smart and efficient and powerful actually warm intelligence yeah warmth and confidence are really the ones that are the most important so if you can cue someone for your warmth and competence right off the bat it actually speeds up your connection and is that in every situation whether you're dating it's a work situation every situation so for example if behind me on my youtube channel i often put chemicals like i put my hair chemicals behind me the reason i did that is because i tend to come across as highly warm and warmth is great it's trust it's like ability but i want people to take me seriously right i want to take me seriously whether they're just browsing my youtube videos or they're listening to me and i was having trouble dialing up the competence piece and so i realized i had to add competence cues right off the bat so people knew ah this is a serious video the moment i added those chemicals behind me it added competence in that very first frame people knew oh this is a learning video yes it will be a little funny sometimes i'm only funny sometimes yes i hope that i can trust her but actually this is a learning video and so what i want you to think about whether you're dating or you're talking about your social interactions or your linkedin profile is what are your intentions right like what do you want to show is it warmth is it a lot of likable is it competence that's what you should be queuing for and that's also what others are cueing you for so i also the next level here is reading people when you're looking at someone's profile or picture or you meet them for the first time what cues are they sending to you to try to cultivate your impression of them okay i love that let's keep going down this because this is fascinating so let's say you're meeting someone for the first time i'd love you to break down the cues on certain things like the non-verbal and the verbal because you're so amazing at being very specific and then i'd love to dive into then how do you know in those moments so let's take dating right it's or a high stress situation and high stresses and anxiety is happening because you've got the excitement you've got the nerves yeah all of this that comes with any situation where you may not be 100 confident so how do you decipher the cues that are accurate or the cues that are accidental due to the circumstances okay that's one of our biggest challenges as cue readers right because some of our cues we can control right like i can sit up straight i can have good posture i can smile even i want like i can purposefully do all those things but actually what is more accurate what we know is not put on or forced are the small cues that people do especially while they're listening so i find that when you're reading people you can read while they're talking but actually it's much more interesting to read while they're listening and that's because when someone's talking they're in presentation mode right like they they've either rehearsed the answer so let's say that there's um there's two different kinds of people people with ill intentions people with good intentions if someone has ill intentions they've rehearsed what they want to manipulate they rehearse what they want to say right so bad actors will present themselves with the perfect kind of cues they think can add to it good actors people with good intentions didn't rehearse anything but they're just presenting their best self that's all on purpose what's more interesting is when they're listening when someone's listening they're not rehearsing anymore they're off the clock and their brain is much more focused on you and so what i like to think about is okay what can i observe while someone is listening that's actually much better for reading people same thing on zoom calls my favorite thing on a zoom call is if i'm presenting i make my face small yeah i don't want to see my own face i pull up other people's faces and i specifically look at people's faces on video to see what are they doing while they're listening are they open to me are they agreeing with me and so we can talk about those cues of what we're looking for i like listening cues better never dawn though because i'm so in my own head right so i'm just like what curious am i giving off is i'm talking and you know so i we definitely want to go down those cues but i didn't even really think about when someone's listening to you and obviously that me that is i assume a skill that's going to be you need to train because sometimes it's hard to talk make sure that you're projecting yourself in an accurate way and taking what the other person's doing sure and that's why like this is perfect like during the kind of like easy small talk banter right when you're not like delivering the hardest part of your presentation but you're like you know so uh yeah did you do the exciting this weekend and you can talk about your weekend very casually while still observing all the listening cues that is a much easier way to sort of get warmed up and hopefully next level by the end of this video will be next level they'll be able to do it even while you're talking this episode is sponsored by future go try future dot co slash woi and get your first month for only 19 you can also click the link at the top of the episode description now enjoy the episode all right okay all right so the first basic thing you want to know is warmth so what the research finds is that warmth incompetence is actually chronological so they can happen at the same time but warmth comes first humans when they first meet each other they ask each other two questions about each other can i trust you and can i rely on you trust is the first one and so how do we know if we can trust someone that is the most important question we can ask ourselves about someone right okay so the warmth cues are here are my favorite warmth cues which you want to look for when listening this is what you want to see from someone to see if they're a good actor the first one you're doing right now you're smiling and you're nodding you're giving me lots and lots of nods lisa i love your nods i love them so much can i just say i got a criticism in one of my recent videos in the comment section basically like oh my god she's so distracting with her nods and in fact in that moment i was like it actually is a little like as i was watching myself i was like it is a little distracting but i'm so in it like i so block out when i do interviews i also block out everything else yeah and so if you're saying something like i just would be like oh my god but i don't interrupt you so i'm trying to actually signal to you that i love what you're saying without me interrupting you and you're not even really in control of your nods which is why you're listening to why exactly you're not if even if you were to say you know what that person is right which they're not i should stop nodding you wouldn't be able to stop because you're listening yeah you're right that's why listening looking at the cues decoding someone while they're listening is actually so good because it's very hard to control our cues while we're listening okay so i know that i can trust you because you are giving me high warmth cues so here are some high warmth cues so nodding nodding is a very open right when we nod we're taking it in we're agreeing research finds that when you slow knot at me and i love a good slowdown right a one a two a three i speak three to four times longer oh so if you want to encourage someone to keep talking tell me more from and if you work with introverts or you're dating introverts and you want them to keep going you're on a date and you ask a question oh so have you been on any good holidays recently yeah some good ones and you want them to keep going don't say anything and do a slow triple nod that triple nod research shows they are three to four times they're going to speak three to four times longer so they're more likely to take it as a nonverbal dot dot dot so that's great you want to see nodding you want to see smiling you want to see lean ins so this is a great lean this is a great charisma queue when we want to engage with something and they actually found that the lean yeah like right like really like um even in my book cover i am slightly leaning forward because i'm trying to show warmth so when you lean if you just wherever you are right now just lean in for a second it will actually activate a specific part of your brain that is about motivation that we feel more motivated we lean in why it activates our five senses if you want to smell something what do you do lean in if you want to touch something what do you do oh that's soft and i'm closer to you yes we're in space zones which we can talk about too so the reason our brain knows oh if i'm leaning in i better activate all my senses and he hears smell touch taste better so if someone is leaning in towards you if they're nodding if they're smiling their brain is literally saying take it in tell me more take it and tell me more you just did another one which i really liked which is the eyebrow raise so the eyebrow raise is also a high warmth cue because when we raise our eyebrows up we can actually see our face from farther away it's a universal engagement cue so when you're listening the first thing you're decoding is for warmth you're looking for any of those five cues are they on my side are they trusting me if someone is leaning nodding smiling eyebrow-raising at you it is very likely that you can trust them and they trust you now can you give me the opposite what if you can't trust someone what are the keys okay so here are the cues i don't want you to see but if you do see them it's really important to take note of them this is how we can prevent toxic people i think from coming into our life this is how you know have you ever been on like um it's been a long time since i've been on a date but with someone and they're giving you all the right answers but your spidey sense is like something doesn't feel right and you can't figure it out you're like you know they said all the right things but i just don't feel like it's right it's i've got intuition like something's just telling you yes your subconscious is incredibly good at reading cues but for some reason we've forgotten them kids or babies and kids are actually really good at reading cues so give your brain it has a superpower and its superpower is to read these cues but you have to give it a voice i think that by learning to know what you're spotting you can go up that's a danger zone cue so that's the last area we want to talk about the danger zone cues so warmth competence danger zone danger zone cues are cues that are not horrible in themselves they just they raise little red flags it makes you think something is being withheld something makes someone feel shame or guilt there's something going on there there's there's something that's not congruent there okay so some of our dangers on cues uh the first one is actually a lip purse so a lip purse is when we smash our lips together lance armstrong did this in his larry king live interview when he lied about doping this is because liars press their lips together we talked a little bit in our last interview so if someone suddenly presses their lips together like let's say that you ask them a question um or let's say that you're you're watching them while you're they're listening and you say yeah you know i just i love to travel they're like you might want to stop there stop talking right and switch into not listening mode and be like oh like do you love to travel have you traveled recently and you might learn oh they do love travel but they haven't traveled recently because they're afraid of getting sick that would be a very helpful thing to know that they're extra cautious so you never know exactly why you're seeing those zeners on cues which is why it's great to do it and then pause and be like i'm gonna dig deeper i'm gonna figure out why that happened so a lip purse and it's okay to call someone on the lip purse oh okay so we you have two choices when you see a danger zone queue two choices maybe even three choices you see dangers on queue right one is you make a mental note and you wait right so i make a mega mental note he or she lip pursed while i was talking about travel i'm gonna try to circle back to that i'm gonna see if it comes up again right so i can bring up travel again and see if i see another danger zone cue so just take a note don't do anything second is to actually address it right so so do you like travel and the third one which like i'm cautious too and cautious to share but you can do it is you actually acknowledge that you spotted a cue that's something i would actually do this takes guts and i'm not surprised you would do it i'm a little afraid i'm a little afraid to do it but the way that this would sound is um if your partner is like oh yeah you know i'm fine you say you don't look fine why you don't sound fine are you sure you're fine or someone says um you know i i i i'm really um upset about that you know you're saying you're upset but are you really upset you don't look upset so you actually call out the discrepancy and to be honest yes the the reason why i do that is to get clarification within myself because it's like the the deciphering of the queue yeah right it's like well did i read that right did i not and if it's someone i'm close to yeah i'm always trying to be open about hey you just gave me a signal just right now that maybe i am misinterpreted as like almost given them the opportunity and then also if they don't have the confidence to say what they're really feeling it kind of allows them to yeah by me saying maybe i misread it and then they can be like actually no i am bothered by this okay so that's a really good point is that you're giving them permission so maybe we don't have to think about it as like i'm calling them on right like i saw a lip purse like that can be a little harsh but you're giving them permission to be like not okay i think a lot of the times we have a really a lot of pressure to always be okay which is why in relationships professional relationships and romantic relationships people are like yeah i'm okay i'm okay well they're not okay and so maybe like that's a gift you can give someone to say like listen like it's okay if you're not okay it's okay if you don't like travel or like even like in early dating situations if you see that and you're like yeah you know i'm i love travel and they show a negative cue can be like you know are you in travel it's totally cool if you're not like that's a gift of permission so that's also a way of reframing it it's not a call out but it's a gift of permission um the other way that this can sound and this is another danger zone queue or this is a cue that can be good or bad so let's talk about it which is the lower lid flex right the lower lid flex so lower lid flex is a really interesting cue because it can be positive or negative the lower lid flex is what we do when we want to see something better so when we want to take in a lot of our environment we widen our eyes right we widen our eyelids and our eyebrows to take in as much of the environment as possible when we want to see details we harden our lower lids and we lessen the amount of light that can come in so we can see details so if you ask someone do you see that on the floor people go uh oh yeah i see it right when someone is deeply listening when they are really trying to be scrutinizing or intense they will harden their lower lids as if to say really i want to see that better and we do that even if we're just talking to someone so when i'm asking a question that is particularly complex you lit you lid flex at me and that's great because i know that you're with me you're like deeply listening you're like okay i'm following i'm following i'm following right yeah so in a romantic situation or in a personal situation if you see someone lid flex and you're saying something positive like they're listening and they're like oh they are in it they're in it with you they're trying to understand you yes great if you said something that maybe is um something negative or something that you're trying to do or something they could be skeptical of in a lower lid flex that might be a moment where you can say does that make sense all good especially in professional situations that lower lid flex has clued me into something that doesn't make sense so if i'm in a team meeting and i notice that someone on a video call does the lower lid flex when i'm going through a process of our launch or something with the youtube channel i can be like are we all good does that make sense i'm going to pause here and take some questions or even chris is that are you good are we cool that is a really respectful way to see a potentially negative cue and nicely and kindly address it all good any questions anything i can do another danger zone q we've talked a lot about non-verbal let's talk about vocal yeah so i love talking about vocal um the question in flexion so the question in flexion also finally known as up talk we're in california right now so um is it like a california thing yeah that's really interesting so yeah so you know um valley girls so they use up talk which is the question of lectures they sound like this like i'm really happy to be here and it's so great to sit with you and can i ask you some questions so it goes up almost like it is always a question always questions so the question flexion is great for questions it's a wonderful one it's used on questions the problem is is when the question inflection is used on statements and so um liars typically uh use the question inflection on their lies because they're actually asking do you believe me right so in two truths and a lie we play a lot of two truths in a lie in our lab we talked about this in our last interview i have people come into the lab and they share two truths and lie they almost always will use the question flexion on their lie that's amazing they'll say like um oh yeah uh i'm a vegetarian i have two dogs and i love green beans [Laughter] yeah and that's because they know that was not a statement they know that one is not true and they're asking are you buying it do you believe me so the question flexion a danger zone is when you're not seeing that match-up when someone says something but they use a question like in a dating scenario this would make me very nervous if someone said you asked so you know what's your relationship like with your ex and they said oh we get along really great um you know we we were really friendly and i really like her those question reflections would make me nervous because why if they truly believe it would they be questioning it right and so that would make me take note of why are we not being authoritative so the opposite of the question flexion is the authoritative voice tone that's when we go down the end of our sentences a really good example of this is uh former president barack obama so barack obama is known for his authoritative tone what barack obama does is he has a lot of space in his mouth and that creates a nice resonance we can talk about um why that's very charismatic but when you have space in your mouth and your vocal chords it's makes you lower it sounds competent and then he slings his voice down at the end of his sentences so here's my obamacare i'm gonna do it so you can hear how it sounds yeah so you'll go um sasha and leah it's really important that we talk about this right now what's facing our country is a major crisis and if we don't deal with this crisis right now we are going to have major problems so obviously i'm speaking nonsense you can hear that cadence is a very particular kind of cadence and it's it captivates us because he is giving us the opposite of the question inflection he's saying i believe my statements so much that i'm going to actually command them down there is no question in my voice and so when we're listening to someone we hear the question inflection as uncertainty not sure doubt disbelief sometimes deception when we hear someone use the dominant inflection downward downward downward that's very authoritative almost dominant right i would not recommend that you always use a dominant inflection you should only use dominant inflection when you're really sure of something right like that just me like i'm sure of this so it's almost like a punctuator so that i want you to think about inflection too we can't forget about inflection as well let's talk about fitness if you are looking to crush all your fitness goals and be held accountable then future is here to help future coaches have trained elite athletes celebrities and busy professionals and parents at all different points in their fitness journey guys if you don't have an apple watch future will actually send you one to borrow for the duration of your membership which your trainer will be able to use to monitor your progress tracking your heart rate and activity data while you're working out your future trainer will provide daily guidance motivation and support think about skipping a workout well your trainer is there to message you and keep you accountable so if you want to work out plan guides that is built especially for you not the masses but for you that will keep you focused and motivated then go to future dot co slash woi to try your first month for just 19 that's cheaper than most gym memberships guys once again go to future dot co slash woi to try your first month for just 19 you can also click the link at the top of the episode description yeah and i love that i just actually want to keep going because you give a great example in the book of like how this really does in real time actually affect potentially your life so if you can take us through the shark tank story because there's so many situations where they don't come back from that that's right or they build a billion dollar company right okay so what we i love shark tank so shark tank is a show where entrepreneurs go and pitch a panel of sharks or investors to invest in their business it's a great show to watch queues and so my research team and i were curious what makes a successful pitch all of these are good ideas all of these are successful people they wouldn't make it on the tank if they weren't why is it that some get a deal and some don't and they're big deals they're not little deals so what my research partner jose pina and i did thank you jose for researching all these talks is we did he analyzed 495 pitches on shark tank 495 pitches on shark tank 495 pitches okay it's a lot of a lot of pitches and we coded on as many variables as we could think of because we didn't know what we were going to look for so we looked at hand gestures and smiling and inflection and space and everything we could think of to see if we could find patterns and one of the ones we noticed during this coding was jamie simenoff's pitch so jamie simenov is the founder of ring i use ring on my own doorbell it is a massively successful company on millions of homes around the world and it was acquired by amazon for over a billion dollars with a b right what most people don't know is that he almost ruined his company and had a failed shark tank pitch and this is someone who eventually got funding from shaq and richard branson but yet he could not get a deal on the shark tank and the reason for this is even though it was a great idea he shared it with the wrong cues so what he did is he chose to go into the tank and close the doors now if you ever watch shark tank there's a really important part of shark tank where you watch the entrepreneur walk down the shark tank and that is actually a critical piece of our first impression the reason for this is because of the four space zones and that's because when we are getting to know someone we want to see them come into our personal space so these pitchers would walk down the hallway and they would come into the tank and they would stand on the carpet and they would say hi sharks i'm here to pitch you a deal what simanov did and he made a not a great choice with this i don't know if it was the producer's fault or not he closed the doors to the tank and he knocked on the shark tank door and he said hello it's jamie and he went up at the end of his his name when we ask our own name it is the fastest and biggest way that we give away our power it's like saying to someone i'm so not confident in myself that i'm going to ask you my own name i'm going to ask you permission so he says it's jamie and mark cuban goes you know hi he says here to pitch so he used two question inflections in the first few seconds of hearing him and that immediately gave away his competence it made them doubt him and he had a really hard time taking having those sharks taken seriously they would not take his deal seriously and they eventually excused him from the tank and i think it was all in those first few seconds that question reflection is so so powerful i love that so much because that really does drive home exactly what you're saying it's not about all the other like the big totality of it sometimes it can be these tiny tiny freaking mind new things and it's not about what he was trying to sell because like you just said it was a billion dollar company so it's a great idea it's a great idea yes so it's not even about the product it is the delivery and the delivery then makes something either a smash success or it ends up being you know 20 years later you're like i had this idea for a ring thing and i didn't get a funding so and this is i think the jamie simenov is incredibly intelligent he's incredibly smart he had an incredible idea and so this is the problem again smart people suffer with this this is not a problem of people who aren't smart enough this is actually the problem of people who are too smart very very smart people they prep for an interview or negotiation or a presentation and they prep their ideas they want their ideas to be amazing right they're pitching to their boss or their team they want to have their dream job and they're like i have to have the perfect answer and so they script out the perfect answer and they go in there and they're blindsided they don't know why they're giving the perfect answers but people are on their computer checking their email they're not getting any nods or any uh smiles or any liens they're not seeing any of those warmth cues and they're like what's going on and that's just like jamie simenov if you are smart you might run into this problem where people underestimate you and your ideas because you are not delivering them with the right competence and warmth yeah oh my god it's so powerful it really is um you actually mentioned space zone yeah i really want to go into this because i it was like the first time i'd really heard about how you break it down yeah so this is i also when i read this science this is research that i was like oh this is happening invisibly it feels like there are these invisible rules that are happening in our interactions that we're not aware of and that we accidentally trip over or break so one of my goals with this is like no more invisible like let's make the invisible cue so here's one of them which is that there are four space zones the fancy word for this is proxemics people get fancy yeah um and so this is across genders and cultures and races although that there are some cultural differences between exactly how big each are but there are still four zones they are the public zone which is further than seven feet away so further from seven feet away from someone you can't really see their facial expressions that well you kind of have to speak up for them to hear you that's considered the public zone strangers we like them to stay in our public zone where they can't reach out and hurt us there we can't really see them very closely they kind of keep their distance the next zone is called the social zone the social zone is around three or four feet seven feet this is where we can see facial expressions we can talk pretty easily this is where we spend like networking events or at bars and clubs we might be sitting near someone in that zone the next zone is the personal zone the personal zone is about a foot and a half to three feet away again a little bit different based on culture that's where we really have deep conversations this is the perfect distance for us to have a deep conversation if i were closer to you i would be in my in your intimate zone your intimate zone is 18 inches away from you and that would be way too close right that's like pre-kissing right when you're in the 18-inch zone you're too close the problem is is that we are messing this up digitally in what i call digital close talking have you ever had a clothes talker most older people or you see is like they're they're like the mouth and they're like but and they talk into your mouth i know i know they're like they're like hello i know so yes so close talkers uh if you watch the jerry seinfeld episode close talking you might be familiar with this but now what's happening is what i call digital close talking so in real life we're kind of vaguely aware of these zones i know not to walk up into your intimate space but digitally what's happening is we're hopping on video and the camera is 18 inches from our face and so all of a sudden our very first impression is whoa we're in someone's own and we don't know why have you ever had like that awkward uh at the start of a video call we were like i'm on camera it's probably because either you are too close to your camera or they are too close to their camera instinctively your brain goes too close too close too close awkward awkward awkward and you'll notice i've seen this on video calls people will hop on too close and there's like this oh hi and they both sit back and they're like so how's it going it's like they had to get out of that zone so please please please measure the distance between the tip of your nose to your kids i love how precise you are i mean let's get precise right yeah so like measure the tip of your nose to your camera and make sure you are at least 18 inches away if you are taking selfies just keep in mind closer than 18 inches away is intimate so if you are on a dating profile you might want that right you might want something that's up and close and personal intimate that is going to send off intimate signals if you are like just getting to know someone if it's a profile picture a linkedin profile picture if you're farther away so this is more than eight inches away this is going to be more casual that you'll notice it when people are doing like personal you know snapchats or instagram or tic tacs they're right up here they're really close to telling you how it is when they're a little further away hey guys just want to tell you a morning smoothie right it's farther away so we are aware of these but i want you to use them to your advantage and i also want you to use them for decoding so we're talking about decoding people see how close people get to you are they sending you videos and pictures here or here when they walk up to you at in a meeting or in a bar at a restaurant are they planting at four feet away they want to sit next to you on the table are they coming into your intimate space to give you a hug or a cheat kiss then staying in the personal zone that is going to indicate to you how close they are and how close they want to get so it's a really great tool for decoding actually yeah that's so i love that you said that and then um that kind of makes me then think of something else you talk about which is fronting yes and um if i'm wrong also like that if you sit next to somebody versus like because that's the thing right on dates it's like do you sit next to you the person you're dating or do you say opposite the person you're okay so this is a couple different things like let's unpack them because those are actually really really good questions they can affect your entire date and i actually looked into there's a lot of research on seating so we can talk about yes please i know i love this subject so much it matters yes it matters okay so first fronting which i love so fronting is sort of a side cue to space and the reason for this is because fronting is when we angle our body towards we're talking with so if we're fully fronting our toes our torso and our heads are fully in alignment right you wouldn't know now by the way we don't do the interview like this as much because then it kind of is exclusive yes it's not as inclusive to everyone that's the only reason why because i way prefer facing someone head on then i do like at the side but it's but that but that is this is what's interesting is the way that you have your chairs angled the way that we're set up is actually beautiful because i'm saying when i really want to talk to you i'll angle the top of me towards you and i'll also kind of angle out towards the cameras it's actually a way of being inclusive if we did the entire interview like this everyone would feel really really left out right we don't want to feel that we don't so when you're in an important interaction and you want them to feel like you are there and you also want to decode are they really on the same page as me watch their toes watch their toes when we are really into someone anecdotally we found that we can usually predict office crushes we can not always anecdotally i can usually go to like a christmas party or like a work party and by looking at people's toes i can usually tell where the office crushes are and that is because we have a crush on someone we want to be fully engaged with them so we point our toes towards that person and that's what we want to move towards when we're walking towards something we angle our toes towards them so in a good interaction on shark tank someone starts in the public zone they walk into the walk through the social zone walk in the personal zone and in a really good pitch they reach over and they hand out tasty treats they reach over and hand out samples we actually found that interactivity was the number one predictor of what pitch would go well and i think it had to do with fronting and space is it if the person remained on the carpet the whole time they were always in the social zone it's really hard to connect with someone deeply and trust them and give them your money if they're in the social zone so the really good pitchers would have some reason to cross over into the shark zone so they would be like oh you know here here's a puppy for you or you know here's a salsa for you to taste or here's a cupcake for you and they'd walk into their shark's intimate zone hand them something and if you watch on camera they'll actually lean down front with them and say here you go barbara here lori here kevin for a brief moment of full fronting right full alignment and also a real brief moment in that intimate zone and i think that those sharks were literally like oh this person i trust them enough to be close to me i'm much more likely to get engaged with them yeah i so yeah so fronting space zones right so to show engagement angle your toes to the person you're with the most important person in the room a boss a vip angle your toes towards them even if you're across the room and if you want to know if someone is very into you or aligned with you watch their toes it's not a great date if someone is angled out and this always makes me really nervous when i love my husband and i sit at restaurants and like you know watch everyone we like guests we have a game we guess we do then their fourth day yeah yeah yeah exactly and so like like their fifth day are they friends they're subbing well is it not going well we love doing it and one of the easiest ways to tell a date it's going well or not is if someone is you know angled away yeah and they're just giving you head attention their body and their feet are looking somewhere else they are not fully engaged with you it is a sign of nonverbal respect to say i'm going to angle my entire body towards you this also can happen if you're on a date or your inner interaction and you say something that made someone disengage so if you say something that makes them nervous like you know and i really really want to have a family i really want to have children yeah yeah you know i've always i've always i've thought about kids too and they shift the body shift their body out in a way that's a literal signal that we can't control a listening cue right if someone's like oh and i was showing a lot that that somehow disengaged them or made them just a little bit nervous and so you also want to look for sudden not fronting or distancing it's called distancing um for looking at the actual cue so the one thing that actually you do talk about though is also context because it's like you know some people may go okay i've watched the episode i've read you know vanessa van edwards book cues i got this i know oh my god their toes aren't towards me screw that i'm not going on a second date they weren't interested okay okay okay yes yes yes so first of all always give someone the nonverbal benefit of the doubt right so there's actually research on this um there's the i think we talked about this last time the pollyanna effect it's always better to assume good yes so i do want to say that first is this is not about gotcha moments it's actually the more you can assume good in people and good intentions the more accurate you are the second thing is there are 96 cues in the book so we've maybe talked about eight yeah right so this is good right but there are a lot of keys and 96 cues isn't even all of the cues like i had to cut cues because it was just too long so first is there's a lot packed into all those signals we also want to look at context and clusters those two c's that protect us context and clusters protect us as decoders if you want to be really accurate at reading people you have to focus on context and clusters so context very simply is what is the context you're in so for example if you're in a loud bar or nightclub and it's people can't hear you they might lean in to hear you that might not be a warmth cue right yeah they literally might be like what was that and you're like up head tilt lean in he likes me yeah but he is just contextually leaning in to hear you right so you always want to think is there a reason this could be happening contextually if someone suddenly distance did their best friend just walk in the room right do they need the waiter are they looking for a drink do they have to go potty so always think about context what is another explanation especially if it's a negative cue if you've seen a negative cue is there any benefit of the doubt i can give them for context can i tell you something that i do now because like this is really like um made my radar of the you know the crossing of the arms right and you know now at this point we know that crossing the arms is kind of like well this i'm protecting my space closed off yes but you even say in the book what if it's freaking cold so the phone as i was reading it i was like oh i actually realize what i start doing if i cross my arms because i'm cold i say it out loud yes i'm like oh it's actually quite chilly yes and now people know i'm not being like closed off yes yes yes so the other power here the confidence here is if you know what cues mean you can say to people what you mean right so yes oh my goodness it's cold it's chilly right you can actually say that someone or like you can give explanation for your cues or like i'm so sorry i'm having a bad day so if i have you know rbf today that's why but you can literally say that to people and i do say that people so yes that is super powerful and that there's a beauty in sharing why you know the cues you're sending right okay so if you know your own contacts think of other contacts always give someone the benefit of the doubt the last one to protect ourselves as decoder is looking for a cluster so a cluster is you never take one cube by itself right if you take one cue by itself it could be anything right like if someone touches their nose it could be they have allergies or there's a fuzz on their nose or they just have an itch right it's because when we talked about um perception last time right we touch our nose but someone might have allergies so it's the same thing with any other non-verbal cue is i you notice i mentioned like five warmth cues and i mentioned like five danger zone cues because i don't want you to look at a cue by itself right so we're looking for the combo the cluster of nod smile eyebrow rays flex lid we're looking for all those together that signals yes like i'm having a warm interaction same thing with danger zone cues i saw a lip purse and a distancing behavior and they disengaged oh shoot they use the question flexion i need i need to dig deeper right and there's actually a lassie which is just confirmation can you confirm it oh yeah can you verbally confirm all good okay are you sure you feel that way right the last one i love that is that the same as because i've heard you say contempt is one of those ones where we actually very often misread and you know the contempt is the four horsemen of the apocalypse you know it's just it is literally the danger to every um relationship man contempt is a really good one these c's are especially important for contempt because contempt you have to make sure you're actually seeing it and what why you're seeing it so contempt very simply universally is a one-sided mouth raise so someone just smirks their mouth either side right yeah kind of like it's like a smirk if you try this by the way and tap into how you feel really intuitive people will actually feel kind of better than like yeah all right whatever it's like a better than it's like a scoring disdain it's it's negative the problem is most people think of the contempt smirk as okay or half happiness i see so many profile pictures where people are like i'm like what are you doing you're showing contempt by accident because it's trying it's like apathetic it's like kind of look cool but actually it's an incredibly negative cue in our body language quiz we have body language quiz where we have people just um test themselves on facial expressions contempt is the number one cue people get wrong number one cue and they usually think it's boredom and it's the opposite of boredom so what dr john gottman found and this is like the most incredible one of the most incredible research experiments in the book i think dr john gottman is a marriage and family counselor in seattle and he looked at married couples and he wanted to know why couples stay together and why couples get divorced and can you predict it so he brought couples into his love lab and he tested them on everything he could think of so from body language to answers to history to health to children to where they lived to economic status he looked at everything he could think of and he found that there was only one single indicator of divorce that couples who showed contempt only one member of the couple had to do it during the initial intake interview were 93 likely to get divorced 93 so if one member of the couple the initial intake interview went that's my wife oh i see or she's really uh anal yeah really uh obsessive compulsive and i showed that little contempt contempt is the only emotion that doesn't go away so why this is such a predictor of divorce is because most of our emotions and this is important to know as decoders most emotions fade quickly happiness comes in a burst and then you go back to normal fear comes all at once and you self-soothe anger comes and you calm yourself down but contempt it's like it sits and it festers contempt or disrespect or hatred if you feel better than someone feel that better than and it's not addressed it grows and it grows and then you can't even look at your spouse for doing that you get annoyed with everything they do that's what that seed of contempt is and so if you see contempt on someone's face ccc is it a cluster what's the context is there any other reason they could feel contempt and lastly confirm what made them feel contempt it's not always obvious by the way you don't always know why someone chose contempt i learned this queue many many years ago and ever since then i am very aware of making sure i figure out is it self-contempt like sometimes people feel contentious of themselves they don't like their own thought sometimes it's something that's being said something that's where they are so it's that they're hungry i mean you don't always know what it is that's why i like that last piece of confirming hey what's going on be like look i want to be honest with you sometimes you show me contempt when i talk about x oh what is it what's going on and that kind of verbalization is like incredibly powerful for relationships i love that because didn't i think you even said like that stat they can even do it with the audio off i don't even have to listen to the words that are coming out of the couple's mouth if one of them shows that sign if dr gottman can watch thank you for adding that that's what's so crazy he can watch silent videos of couples and tell you with 93.6 accuracy that couple's gonna get divorced mean that is a shocking statistic but that's what he's looking for is he's looking for that emotion and that's what decoders do i think if you really want to be accurate at reading people you're looking for what are the hidden emotions that someone doesn't feel safe sharing and one can you address them but two can you make them feel more safe right like a really accurate decoder has nothing to decode it's all good they create safe spaces for people right really good decoders don't have a lot they have to do because they're constantly open and having safe spaces for people to share and not hide emotions when people don't have to hide emotions they're not hiding or sharing they're not they don't have to have to hide from you but oh my god homie i freaking adore you your book is so down fire where can people get it where can people follow you and all the free stuff bonuses you're giving oh my goodness yes so uh science people.com is where we have all the bonuses and we have a ton of stuff we're giving away for cues because i so appreciate every order every order all my breakdowns are on youtube so there was a bunch of cues i couldn't even do in the book because they were so visual so if you want to get a little taste test go see my breakdown of britney spears i break down justin bieber and the rock oh man so on youtube wherever books are sold guys guys as you can tell i freaking adore this woman but it all came down to when i've read her first book it was so directive it gave me tips it actually bettered my life go buy this book it's so freaking detailed go check it out and guys if you're not following me follow me at lisa billy and if you haven't subscribed click that subscribe button down there and until next time guys be the hero of your own life peace out what does it mean me when i do that oh that's like a signal for respect that's good i got you yeah yeah there you go she said it you heard

Channel: Lisa Bilyeu

Views: 470,144

Keywords: women of impact, woman of impact, lisa bilyeu, tom bilyeu, impact theory, quest nutrition, motivation, inspiration, Vanessa Van Edwards, Cues, Captivate, Lisa Bilyeu, Women of Impact, women empowerment, interview, q&a, business advice, advice for women, tips for women, podcasts, motivational speech, verbal cues, nonverbal cues, communication cues, body language, social cues, nonverbal communication, how to be charismatic, charismatic communication, how to spot a lie

Id: ePGK0mGL9rw

Length: 54min 9sec (3249 seconds)

Published: Wed Mar 02 2022