The 7 Psychological Tricks To COMMAND RESPECT & Be Confident In ANY SITUATION! | Evy Poumpouras

if i don't want somebody to go into this room i'm going to say you can't go into this room versus you can't go into this room so my tone my pitch i speak with conviction so what do you sound like when you deliver your information what words do you use that's the thing what do they hear what do they hear when they hear you like i know a lot of people who can't watch themself on camera can't hear themselves like oh my god is that what i sound like then fix it everything that you say really does apply to just the real world like obviously you live in this or you have lived in this like unique situation but with walking into a room um you know a lot of people fear going into social you know room socially it's like they they don't feel confident enough and so having a certain body presence um things like that i just find fascinating talk to him about like appearance and things like that on how um looks really do matter i know the people say oh it's on the inside that counts you know not what's on the outside yeah no think of it this way if nobody knows you all they have to judge you by is what they see and some research shows that within the first five seconds people make their impression of you and it's so difficult to undo somebody's first impression of you and it takes work to undo it if it's negative it's the if it is the image that you don't want and so think about what are you exuding how are you dressed think about the audience you're going to wear one outfit for something else and a different outfit for something else when i was an agent my hair was always pulled back i wore dark colors i wore suit i wore flat shoes i had a stern look there was a look that went with what i was doing but that was the version of myself that i brought out there are different versions of ourselves there's no one you and when i hear terms like oh i'm just going to go be me and see how it goes i'm just going to be myself good luck with that what version of you are you bringing to the table you have to know your audience who are you speaking to because different versions of you resonate with different people there's a version of you with your parents there's a version of you when you do these interviews is the version of you with your husband there's a version of you with your employees so which version of you resonates with certain people and then understanding the human being across from you you adjust to them one of the skills of influence which i actually talk about in my book is knowing who your audience is then based on who they are how you assess them you adjust yourself you bring out the virgin of yourself that will speak to them if that makes sense absolutely and i love that and do you always start with what is your goal so like if my goal is for this person to like me then i adjust accordingly if this person and my goal is for this person to fear me then i adjust accordingly do you do you start with a goal like that i won't start with a goal like that because not that i don't care if somebody likes me or fears me for sake because that's not my goal my goal is what do i want my goal is do i want to make a deal with this person do i want to sell a book do i want to do a show do i want to get a confession do i want to get an interview that's my goal my goal isn't how i want that person to feel about me interesting okay my goal is what do i want my end result is this and how do i navigate my conversation to get to that point now likeability is important if people like you they are more likely to say yes to you so you know the whole concept of like i don't care if people like me you should care because it makes a difference but going into a room saying i want this person to like me why now you're trying to figure them out and what makes them happy it's like well what's your goal your goal is to make a partnership do a podcast do an interview whatever it is that's your goal and then you navigate that and fear you want to be careful because do you really want people to fear you there's some research out there some science-based research and one of the things that they found is those people that have the best communication skills and negotiation are better that at influencing people are those that have two components they are competent and they they are warm okay so we think oh i need to be competent and cold that's not what resonates with people it's competence and warmth so how do you do that when you're walking into a room and someone's potentially killed somebody or um like how do you be warm to that and i've heard you say that you can't let your emotions you know rule you and you can't walk into any of those situations with any type of i think anyone listening has always been has been in a situation where they are biased because of their experiences and they walk into either a relationship or a friendship bringing those biases with them um and taking things personally so those are two skill sets i've heard you talk about that are so fascinating on how you actually do that this is the thing it's not about me this is it goes back to like do i want people to like me and fear me i'm making it about me what's my goal my goal is to get information to get a confession to find out did this person do it or did this person not do it it's not about me and what we do is our ego gets in the way me me me me me does this person like me this person disrespected me and i get lost now it's not about what i need it's about me and so when i walked into that room what mattered was the information that i needed so that this person for example if it was a child abuse case or child sex sexual abuse case and i sadly i worked a lot of those it wasn't about me telling this guy what i thought of him it was about me getting information so that this guy or gal went both ways couldn't hurt anybody else that's what mattered and so if you're able to get yourself out of the way and focus on what the long game is the long game is i want x how do i get to x so me rolling my eyes telling that person what a piece of garbage i thought he was or she was it didn't matter that's not what the point was and truly you can find something good in everybody i interviewed hundreds of people and i can't say that i ever interviewed somebody where i was like this person is 100 pure evil you can find good qualities in people and so if you can find those qualities and chase the good i called it chasing the good find the good things in them and pull them out because if i only point out all the bad things about you and i highlight how bad you are how horrible you are all the bad things you did then i'm gonna pull the bad part of lisa out but if i can find the good parts of lisa and say lisa i know you're an honest person lisa i know you meant well at lisa i know you didn't mean this at least i know you're a good daughter if i can find those things about you because they exist then i pull out the good part of lisa and the good lisa wants to talk wants to do the right thing wants to communicate and work with me the bad part of lisa is going to go to flip me off go tell me to myself right and so it's really being beyond yourself people lie to me all the time they still lie to me every day people lie everybody lies i lie you lie some research says that in one conversation a person will tell 10 lies what oh yes we shield ourselves and look we lie for different things we lie because we don't want to give you know we don't want people to know our personal stuff we lie to protect ourselves we lie because we're hiding something so if you can take that personal element out of it oh that person lied to me because they think i'm stupid it probably has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them and think to yourself why did they lie to me because of something going on within them and if you can flip it around and not take it personal you'll be able to see what the big picture is short picture short run you hurt my feelings big picture i want x how do i get to x god i love that have you always naturally been like that because sometimes at least in the past and i've really worked on this my emotions almost just take over without me being able to control them and so in an effort to control them i may walk away from a situation take a deep breath things like that but when you're in that sort of high intense atmosphere is it that you just trained yourself enough to not get to that point of like really being emotional or have you always been somewhat able to separate the two no so i had a terrible temper growing up okay uh i wanted to fight everybody oh my god and i grew up in new york in queens god help you greek and new york greek and greens is like did you see how she looked at me hold my jacket oh my god i i saw her look at me she's going to get it all right so how on earth did that girl from queens end up being this person that is so articulate able to explain everything self-assessment you have to constantly self-assess i would look at situations and for example if i was fighting with a lot of different people in my relationships i would think to myself well there's one common denominator me what am i doing and i've learned over the years if something goes wrong not to say what did that person do to me i asked myself what could i have done differently or what could i have done to change the outcome because i can't control what another person does but i can fully control myself and you said something really remarkable and that i agree with when you get emotional which i still do the best thing to do is if you can is walk away take a break so don't send that angry text don't send that email don't don't get on the phone i have a 24-hour rule if i can employ it like just don't do anything for 24 hours after the 24 hours you see it differently because that emotion has passed and now you're thinking thoughtfully about what to do there's a difference one is you're reacting to some what somebody does and the other thing is you're responding thoughtfully so when you react it's impulsive you just go when you respond it means you thought it out you put some type of strategy or tactics in place and then you respond it's like when we would do search warrants or arrest warrants we didn't just go into the you know place guns blazing and breaking doors down it was a thoughtful tactical breakdown of how we were going to go into that house where we're going to go who's going through the doors who's watching the back door who's watching the windows are there any guns in the house should we be worried does this person have a history we put a plan in place and then we went in we didn't go in there to be bullies or to throw down with someone we wanted everybody to leave safely not anyone not to get hurt i didn't want to hurt the person either that we were resting and just how can we do this quickly and safely and so it's kind of that mental breakdown of situations but the more you deal with stress this is the thing the more you have stress in your life the more you're able to cope better if you know how to use these situations as a learning tool so when things happen to you rather than completely losing your mind take a minute don't respond don't do anything and i have a term introduce a disrupter so a disruptor is something like you can do time time is a disruptor where you have time in the in the context of a situation where you don't actually do anything and the time helps you kind of break away from that moment or you can go do something go surfing uh go jump out of a plane go go for a run at the park do something that disrupts the the the hamster wheel that's in your head this person this this person that you need to break that so you can do that with an activity you can even do it with a location move locations change locations get in your car and drive so introduce disruptors i do that to this day if i have a situation or something that happens that i don't like and i find myself spinning and replaying that same story which does me no good i introduce a disrupter i'll go to my brazilian jiu jitsu class and i will get my ass handed to me on the grappling floor or i'll go take take a cold shower which i don't like doing but i do them every night so i will do something that alters my mind set wow i love that what up guys let me ask you a question imagine what kinds of things you would achieve and what life would actually look like if every single freaking time you set a goal and you knew for a fact that you would hit him what would you do how fast would you make progress in your relationships your health your career your finances here's the thing that level of confidence is not something you're born with it's something you can learn something you can develop and something you can get better over time let me say that again you can learn how to set big freaking audacious goals and crush anything that gets in your way if you have deep confidence and certainty that you can have the things in life you want so to help you do that and as part of the launch of my upcoming book radical confidence i've got a workshop especially for you guys called the four steps to building confidence and guys it's free you can watch it by going to the link on your screen and when you're done you will know exactly what you can do literally starting the second you finish watching the video to become that freaking incredible human who knows how to hit any goal you can ever dream of now bring a pen and paper because we've got a lot of work to do so see you on the inside peace [Music] so you're saying when you're going i love what you're saying like you're going and you don't go in guns blazing you have a plan everything is you know thought out in those moments what happens i want to go to like talk about um like intuition and gut because are there moments where you're in that situation and you've got a gut feeling about something but you don't necessarily have any proof um have you had that situation and then what do you do about it because as a young girl i definitely had a lot of gut um you know like instincts about things but i was always so embarrassed to say anything but i never said anything and then i remember one time when i was about 12 years old i was walking home from school and i just had the gut feeling someone was following me in a car and i turned around and there was this guy in a car and going very slow and i remember being like well if you run like he's gonna think you're an idiot because you're running away from a car and then i was like but then you could die so i actually ran home and it's one of those moments that could have been so pinnacle in my life if i hadn't of listened to it so you're in these moments where there's so much on the on the line you're you know you've got this all these departments you're maybe arresting someone and you've got that gut feeling so it's so interesting that you share that story i cannot tell you how many women have shared such a similar story i had the same story happen where it was a woman she was a she was an anchor that i had been on air with and she pulled me aside she said you know what a few years ago i was walking down the sidewalk and i felt somebody behind me and i felt uncomfortable but he didn't do anything he didn't say anything and she's so she's like i thought about crowding crossing the street i didn't do it because i didn't want to be rude because he'd be like all right lady relax she's like i didn't cross the street i stayed there and you know what he did he robbed me so my in those situations you have my blessing to be rude because it's not about that it's like let them feel offended or even when you're waiting online at starbucks if like i have one of those people who really like to be on top of me i mean i will turn around i'll give them a look or if i don't like the way i feel i get up and leave move go don't be there so it's really about trusting your instincts if it feels wrong follow it there's actually science that the department of defense is doing where they're researching your sixth sense and they found that it actually works in the field and they've been investing money into it to see how you can enhance that because some of the military on the field have been um able to avoid ieds explosive devices and provide explosive devices and so when they asked them how did you know not to go this way i had a feeling and so even if you can't articulate it even if you don't understand it if you feel it follow it there is a point where you have to trust in yourself it's there for a reason trust yourself if you're wrong you're wrong is that a good enough reason so let's say i mean you you've protected so many presidents now um have you had moments where you're you've just had the gut feeling and if so do you then follow it through um like what does that look like well how that would work is there's a lot of plan and preparation so the part that you see the agents walking around the protectee the president whoever it is that's nothing the planning and preparation that would go into the pro proactive element to securing something going to a place that is 80 of it and so by the time you get there you're pretty solid but you've got a plan a and a plan b and a plan c for when things break back and if you see something that doesn't feel right you notify the other people hey this looks off what do you think what do you think and then collectively we make that decision but again if you're prepared and this engine this isn't just a protection and security i mean in anything the more prepared you are the more you've done your homework the more you know about your stuff you walk in not only confident but super aware and when things go wrong you can pivot if you're not prepared and if you haven't done the work if you're not proactive when things go wrong what do you do you lose your mind you freeze you don't know what to do and so there's there's so much of that element but we put so much work so much strategic so much training so much emphasis on preparing for securing a place securing the person and then the what if none of us had this delusion oh my god i put everything in place it's going to be perfect all right despite all the manpower all the research we knew that something could go wrong no i could never say to anybody i 100 tell you that this person is going to be safe i can guarantee it i can't but what i can guarantee is all the stuff i'm going to do and that if something does happen i'm going to respond quickly swiftly thoughtfully violently whatever i need to do that was amazing um in your business i assume that you get confronted a lot um i've heard you talk about confrontation most people battle it and try to fight it off but you say welcome it can you talk to me a little bit about it yes so i have a lot of folks who come up to me what do i do this person's confronting me i'm nervous and i don't like to fight and some people don't like confrontation but what happens is when we go out of our way to avoid confrontation it ends up hurting us in the end we end up stifling our voices we end up suffering we end up dealing with people and things in situations where we don't speak and it's so much worse for us not just mentally physically health wise it just demolishes you and so embracing confrontation is the mindset that i took on that it's like you can you can disagree with someone and it doesn't have to be a a full brawl you can articulate to somebody say i hear you i disagree with you with this and this is why here's my perception of that so there's a way to disagree with someone and if they escalate let them escalate if they scream let them scream you sit in your chair you stay calm and collected you remain professional you let them become the fool you don't have to mimic that sometimes in the going back to what i used to do in the interview room i would have people they they did not want to talk to me they hated me simply because of what i represented i represented law enforcement and so from that moment i'd walk into a room and people would be rude to me scream at me yell at me call me names what do i do do i reciprocate or do i sit back and i wait i let them vent and you know what 10 minutes later 15 minutes later 20 minutes later they're done they're tired they got out of the out of their system and now we can have a conversation i love that so much don't don't be afraid of it so what somebody yells at you and somebody confronts you and embrace it look at it like all right what's up let's go and i have to give my husband kudos for this because any time the situation and there's something i'm like hey this could get confrontational he's like yeah he's like i love it because he looks at a combo's like a puzzle like a like a master he's like how can we how are we going to move this person how are we going to maneuver them from here to here and look at it as a challenge don't look at it as a negative thing and you're going to have people confront you but at the same time you should be able to confront people about things that you don't feel right about in your life don't sit there and swallow it where i want to start is with a quote that you said my default response is tell people to go [ __ ] themselves i thought you are absolutely the perfect person to help us talk about what we do when we feel like in moments we're being disrespected and so there's a very clear story that i'm obsessed with that you have told about you and some chinese delegates so i want you to start with telling the story and then let's break down how on earth the girl that says she just wants to tell people to go [ __ ] themselves is able to handle that situation with dignity so i know what story you're referring to so in the u.s secret service uh a lot of people don't realize that you also protect foreign heads of state we deal with foreign countries so on one occasion i was in mexico and i was the agent in charge of it was the g20 summit and so all these heads of states are there to include the president at the time and the uh head of china and so they were having what they call a closed door meeting meaning sometimes they have these private meetings where it's the the presidents and then maybe just like a handful of their head cabinet members so they're in there their clothes are secure i was the person in charge of the venue in the site and so somebody from his delegation wanted to go in now i you know i don't authorize who goes in or out like i just i was the muscle i guess you could say i mean i was a muscle and so he tried to get in it was this and he was huge she was a really huge guy and i was like you know sir you can't come in he was not happy about it i got the state department over my counterpart and i said look you're the one who has the names of everyone can we just double check to make sure that we didn't leave this this man off the list and um she we looked at him and we're like no sir you can't come in and he was pissed you know i think we like definitely insulted him we didn't he didn't we didn't know who he was like and when you're in that type of position like everybody is somebody everybody is somebody everybody and so if everybody's somebody if everybody's important then nobody's important so he kind of tried to sneak in i wouldn't let him and then he got very angry with me and he put hands on me and uh he grabbed me by my suit and like shoved me and when he shoved me back the doors to where the pres the presidents were meeting were behind so he literally shows me through and we i banged through the doors and then i had this moment because i wasn't expecting it you know you can expect to fight with certain people when i'd go out for an arrest or somebody wasn't complying i would expect that type of behavior but i didn't expect it from like this high-level delegate who's i still don't know who he is and you know i had this voice in my head and this is where i went from secret service to like back to queens i'm like i'm the [ __ ] he didn't like this guy just put hands on me i'm like oh [ __ ] no i grab you know i grabbed him by a suit collar and i just shoved him back into all the chinese delegates that were there and um they so he turned out to be a general i had no idea and so they they all jumped on top of me and i remember like one delegate pulled me off another delegate like put me in a choke hold somebody slammed me up against the wall and i've got all these foreign delegates on me and i'm like [ __ ] you game on all in front of the president of the united states now he so what happened is we we backed into his office the doors opened where they were meeting and then we went back in the hallway okay we're brawling and thankfully like somebody alerted some of my colleagues who were like further down and then you know that's when the interpreter came over and he said shame on you you touched one of our generals and i'm like do you tell your general that picking fights with ladies isn't very you know general like so but you know i had to control that rage i'm in the middle of a g20 summit and you just gotta reel it in but at the same time you have to defend yourself like i am not about violence like you know violence is like such an obvious way to fight and quite funky it's a very insecure way to fight people overly aggressive and violate because you're so afraid and you feel like you it's like over compensation and i feel like if i'm going to waste my energy on you it better be worth it yeah i love that this is what i really want to talk about the amount of people obviously your case is super extreme but you're a freaking expert but your everyday person like myself and the people listening it's you get disrespected often there are certain things where people cross a boundary across a line um and it's very difficult in that moment to stay cool to know how to handle it and then even if you get yourself super angry to be able to calm down back to neutral so what are the elements that you feel like are important for people to build because like i said at the beginning i really do believe it's a skill and it's a skill to know how to handle and navigate different situations so when someone physically crosses your boundary um and let's say you don't have the physical skills to actually fight them off what do you suggest people do okay so this is heavy this is like so many layers so let me say one thing first first before we we start assessing another person it's me first i have to have self-control if i don't have self-control over myself if i don't if i cannot master myself forget about the outside world so it always has to begin with you so knowing that i am hot-headed and knowing that my first inclination is to tell people to go [ __ ] themselves which is true i know that i have work to do so i'm very aware of that and i'm very aware that that is not the right thing to do so i don't say this like yeah bravado i say this like yeah this is a a trait of mine that i've had to work very very hard to kind of curtail and reign in god i'm so sorry to interrupt you but there's something super powerful here what made you go from you being that to acknowledging your that and then acknowledging it doesn't serve you because i was fighting with everybody and you just said something must be wrong here like yes i was wrong if i'm fighting with this person and that person and even my dad you know i used to fight with my dad all the time because i didn't agree with the way he thinks i love my dad let's put that out there but we would fight all the time and then one day i'm like why am i fighting with all these people why am i trying to convince everybody of what i think i'm like and i i really started to have like this thoughtfulness because if you're fighting with everybody if ever if you're having problems at work you're having problems at home you're having problems with friends if you're having problems with everybody there's one common denom denominator and it's it's me and i would see that and so i was like i gotta reel me in plus like it's exhausting and i have no time i realize i'm wasting energy fighting with people and i'm not saying that some people don't deserve to be put in their place but i guess i look at it like are you worth my time most people aren't so you have to choose that so going back to what you ask first it's self-mastery you got it you got to have yourself locked down you got to have emotional intelligence over yourself it's a greek saying know thyself you don't know thyself nothing else nothing else i can teach you matters now if you know and understand yourself then at that point betrayal i think there's different levels lisa of betrayal of disrespect like if it's some yahoo on the street who's giving me a hard time like road rage or whatever i don't care i'm busy i gotta go somewhere so like i would i would not entertain that stuff so i guess i think of it like are you worth me responding to do i have to respond to you but i also do think like you have to be super careful because if you let some a lot of things go then you will have people who will test you yes and truth be told like i i can see people and i've experienced it myself like i feel like every five years i have like a betrayer like show up that's every like every couple of years i'm do one person to like really cross that line because i really do avoid the you know i avoid the drama because i focus on my work i focus on my family and i and i avoid putting my energy into negative things in people but i think you will have people test the waters with you i love the quote you teach people how to treat you yeah so it's literally the more you let things go the more they're like oh i can do this and they're not going to retaliate so where so how tell me every version then of levels of disrespect and how you actually handle each stage yeah so you know what let me share this this is what happens to us there's there's some science there's some research they've done in the chemistry of the brain and and it comes to trust and this is where we feel usually disrespected like and this is on a higher level this is where it hits us deeper so when you trust there's two types of trust there's conditional trust and unconditional trust now conditional trust is i'm gonna do a business deal i'm going to buy a car from a salesman so when you deal with conditional trust you access a higher level of your your brain and when you access this complicated place of your brain you are trusting conditionally which means you're working very hard you understand this person will manipulate you you understand that you can only trust them conditionally and you do expect some type of maybe betrayal or lies or something to happen but you work very very hard when you're in that space so when that person betrays you like that you bought a car and the car salesman you know screws you over you're like you know what i didn't like that guy i knew he was going to do that i kind of felt it you're upset but it's not like this deep thing that's conditional trust that's a lot of work though now unconditional trust the science shows that axis is a different part of our brain a more primitive part of our brain and this is where we like to live because it's less work so this is like the trust you have with your partner this is the trust you have with a family member or close friend which means i'm not working so hard because i'm giving you all this unconditional trust but then what happens is when they betray you because you don't expect to get betrayed like you did with the car salesman or in a business negotiation so when you get this kind of betrayal this is when it crushes you and this is where you have such a hard time getting over it this is where you see people going through a divorce or painful friendship or where they have that deep you know betrayal and they're like they can't overcome it and i think it helps for you to understand why that is because of it truly there's science behind it it's like understanding am i trusting this person conditionally or unconditionally so although we like to trust people unconditionally and i have been there i've trusted unconditionally and i have been betrayed it's going to happen to all of us i think though we set triggers or red flags for us to know it to know when it's going to happen if you're just open to everybody all the time you're going to you're just going to be inviting it in all the time so you do have to create those barriers for yourself but you also have to do your self-assessment of people like who am i going to let into my inner circle you are in my inner circle you know like i i i select the people in my inner circle and i think like you know what you should have people audition in a sense right you should audition to be in my life and that's where your self-worth comes in wow that was so articulate and amazing and so then my next question is then when we let the people in at least for me i find it even more difficult when they disrespect me or if they've crossed the boundary i find it way more difficult to handle in those situations and i think that i allow my like you were saying um the unconditional like the my guard is way less down so i let them get away quote-unquote with more things so you've repeated multiple times emotional intelligence so i'd love to kind of break that down even more and say and and put the two together on how you build the emotional intelligence and then how you use that in these situations whether it's a work colleague or it's someone very close to you yeah so when we talk about a work colleague or anything like that or issues like that i mean i've experienced those i remember once i had a work colleague this is my previous career when i was in the service reprimand me and he was an equal to me about a case about something that he thought i was supposed to do that i wasn't supposed to do and he had just kind of like gotten sort of an elevated position and i think he wanted to put on a bit of a show and he did this in front of people and it's like everything in me to not like rip him to shreds so i knew he was wrong i went and got the case file whatever i needed and i went back downstairs and i stepped away because i really like nothing nothing good was going to come out of my mouth but i also understand that it was work and i also understood that there was people around me and i was like you're not going to own my response to you i'm gonna own it that's why i do it for me not for you so i got the case i grabbed him and i'm like hey we'll call him jay i'm like hey jay i'm like come here am i gonna speak to you and i remember i pulled him into the stairwell and to speak to him in private because i learned through my interviewing techniques that when you want to let somebody know what you really think of them or when you want to reprimand somebody or discipline someone in some way you should do it in private because i knew if i ripped him in front of everybody he just would have ripped me back and we would have gotten nowhere because he's he's naturally gonna get defensive because i embarrassed him shame is a big thing so i pulled him to the side of the stairwell i said here you go this is what you're saying you need this is what was done and i'm like this is the thing i gave you the courtesy of pulling you into the stairwell to speak to you in private you've known me how many years i've never spoken to you like that again today was the first and last time you're going to speak to me like that again i was like do you understand and i'm giving you more respect than you deserve because i'm addressing you here in private have i ever spoken to you this way and he's like no and i'm like don't ever do that again here you go next time come speak to me with decency and respect but i was also able to do that and he was also able to absorb it again because i did it in private now i'm not saying they're all going to go smoothly like that for everybody but you choose when and how you respond and so i want for me it's like i own what i'm going to do i can't own what you do but i can own what i do but when i feel that rage because i feel it all the time i really when i can't i step away now that to me like honestly that's like low vibration like stuff like that when you deal with people like that that always think low vibration low vibration like this person this is silly like most of the times it is and most of the time you're dealing with people's egos now when we're elevating to like people i have to be honest my inner circle is small and i've just learned when i was younger i had friends everywhere and now this is my friend and that's my friend and i realized over years i'm like they're not all friends and what matters is the quality of the people you keep to you and i'm very thoughtful but there are certain standards that i create for myself so it kind of goes back to what you said about treatment and i say you get what you tolerate so if i know someone's lying to me i'll be thoughtful as far as why they're lying to me because sometimes people will lie out of fear they'll lie because they're ashamed and i will work to see if that person will be truthful with me or if they hold back for a reason but when somebody lies and they really hurt me betray me at least for me lisa i'll tell you this when i'm done when i make that conscious choice to be done with someone i'm done with them you know when i feel that kind of betrayal and again i i feel like every five years but usually those betrayals those deep ones come from someone close to you it's not going to be usually an acquaintance it's going to be a family member it's going to be a relationship it's going to be all those different things but you also have to have enough common sense to know when to walk away want to know when to be done how do you know that because so many people struggle with that of knowing when to be done and walking away if somebody is lying to you you walk away i remember i had someone reached out to me and this is go this goes with her partner and she suspected her partner of being unfaithful she was asking me for help for advice i think she actually wanted to polygraph her partner and i'm like so when i heard that i'm like you want to polygraph your partner and she was like yes i was like i think you need to really reassess your relationship the minute yes i i knew i'm like this she's done this relationship's done so i do the opposite i'm like oh come in have a cup of tea what are you trying to tell me and in that has allowed me to go oh it's not that you're worried that you're a woman compared to a man it's that you're not prepared you're not listening so i know less great learn more oh i'm not prepared for this meeting great be prepared and that's been the biggest freaking flip i really do think that confidence isn't just it's not like genetics it's not like you're just you have it or you don't i really do think it's like a skill that you cultivate and people think of confidence as being the end goal but really it's i think you build it by gaining competence and in order to gain competence you have to start somewhere and that means you start when you're not competent you are right about you're not some people may be born with it but most of the time it's cultivated confidence is habit are the habits that you have on a day-to-day basis do they make you confident or do they demolish you so language which is what you initially opened up with how we people we speak to ourselves how we think of ourselves so that's kind of like the foundation if you don't have a healthy dialogue with yourself then it doesn't it doesn't matter what other people do to you you're diminishing yourself so i really think about the way i speak to myself i i won't call myself lazy um if i feel unmotivated because there's nothing lazy about me i won't say evie you're so stupid if i make a mistake i'm gonna make mistakes i will not speak that way to myself because when you speak that way to yourself at least for me i i push myself down so nobody else needs to do anything to crush me i just crushed myself think about the daily habits that i use from day to day moment to moment that help build and shape and mold my confidence it doesn't happen overnight and i think language internal dialogue is one of the most important things you know not calling yourself an idiot because you misplaced the keys little things like that i used to and it was very detrimental to my self-esteem very detrimental at least you're so [ __ ] dumb like and it would really tear me down and now going back to the negative voice i'm like it just used to tear me down and i can't switch it off so how do i in on earth get confidence in something when i don't have like even the confidence to do one little thing or even speak nicely to myself so i had to flip it and go okay if i don't know something instead of tearing myself down be like okay you don't know this but now i can learn instead of saying hey lisa you're so dumb you don't understand this do you do you do that stuff i used to know i don't anymore but that was definitely um what i used to say you said you're done you just don't get it i remove the word dumb because that does not serve me again going to what language serves you you should use it what language doesn't serve you you shouldn't use it so that doesn't serve me on a day-to-day basis and so what i say in those situation is you don't get this but you can learn and just by giving myself the grace of saying hey you don't get it but you can learn allows me to go oh well then how do i learn i have to ask and then it flips it from oh i'm getting more powerful now i can get even better and that framing now doesn't stop me it thought it encourages me to keep putting my hand up i don't get it don't understand sorry don't get it like it really does allow me to just push forward in the most positive sense instead of being being held back where do you think that negative language came from like you gave me the examples you said i used to talk to myself this way how does how does that happen oh god there's many things but i think for me it was i grew up in a family where my older brother and sister were very good academically so we would sit around the table greek family we would sit around the table and my dad would like throw out math quizzes now i'm the artist in the family so you can imagine i get thrown a math question my brother and sister can book bam bam bam and i hesitate so just that alone puts me just growing up every day feeling less than then going to school i completely excelled at art and totally struggled at academics math english like completely struggled so it built up a self-esteem issue and then you know i think like anything is you get told it enough you start to believe it then you believe it it doesn't matter what happens to you even if you start excelling after that it becomes a part of you and so i just realized i just have to unwind it like instead of beating myself up that it exists because i can't change my past the 25 year old the 30 year old lisa knows better knows that it doesn't serve me but it's a habit you even said right at the beginning it's a habit so don't beat yourself up i've got a bad habit and now i just need to change it i need to give myself the grace to acknowledge it exists and now work on every day unwiring it changing that habit and that habit came from every time i go to call myself done call myself the student every time i go to say lisa you don't have the [ __ ] confidence say yet right so i don't have the confidence yet but i'm gonna do it anyway so reframing re-saying these phrases i don't have the confidence yet like literally i'll just keep repeating it every time i get scared repeat it repeat it repeat it until you act you know it's interesting i won't do the yet thing because i don't want to find myself in the future i want to find myself now when i hear that i think no i need her now and i don't know like if maybe when i do my mentor session sometimes people will say to me i want to be confident i want to be this and i'll tell them how about you just are that now and i'll make them write up kind of a paperwork and i'll ask them what have you done i'll ask them about their strengths and all that and i'll read it and i'll say i mean you're already confident do you do you not see this did you read like all the things you've done did you read all the things you've experienced the trauma the things you've overcome in life i kind of think you're already her and so i may be is that really true though yes i think so because in that i think because i think we have moments where we're here then we go here and then we're here and then we go here so i think you're you're there but you choose not to maybe tap into that i have my moments where maybe i'll lack confidence in something because i don't know it i don't understand it but i have developed that mindset of i deserve to be here wherever here is like and maybe maybe this is where i'll bring a negative language i've kind of been like well that bozo can do it [Laughter] it's so fascinating because you're right we we take different framing of how we're thinking about it in an effort to improve ourselves in the now because for me it is very empowering to be like you could be lisa you could be anything you [ __ ] want to be even if you're not that person now you can be it like i get so excited about the dream of just set your mind to it what do i want to be and how the hell do i get there like that's so exciting to me but i actually understand that how you frame it still is empowering right it's like you're that person come on you're that person like i get the i think when you have people write down i have people write down what they've accomplished what they've done even if it's a negative trauma or experience i'll have them write it out and then i'll i'll lift it up i'm like how does somebody who's overcome this not have confidence it really does tie into what i was saying about um competence that you need the competence by showing someone hey you don't think of yourself necessarily right now as confident but look at these things and by um focusing and highlighting these things it shows that they've actually built the competence they just don't realize it look 50 is what the world does to you but 50 is you this you can manage and so if you want to be those things and you want to change those things then it's something you can do when you manage your confidence and belief in who you are and why you are there and why you are doing something and you drown out the noise because a lot of times it is noise you will focus kind of like on your goal what's my mission what's my goal what's my end result but if you waste your time listening to the negative language of other people and then letting it live inside of you then it becomes part of you and i think if you can recognize this is part of me how do i maybe either sit down and have coffee with it or you know for someone like me it's like just shut the door either way nobody's home you know in talking about confidence i guess if i had to say there's one thing that i specifically do that helps me it really would be to over prepare preparation has been i guess you could say my secret weapon to helping me so when i look back at all the different things i've i've done so like for example when i was in the secret service i i actually was not very good with the the academic stuff i've never actually been with with academics i really had to put time and work work on it but then when you go through training they teach you legal jargon things that i'd never done law i didn't know this world and my first exam actually i failed it my first legal exam in the service i remember failing it and thinking i can't blow this and i realized that i had to put in more than everybody else the way i could learn i i i would write everything so i would hand write the textbook as a way to to learn i didn't really share with a lot of people because people thought it was nuts in an extreme but when i would have these opportunities i didn't want to lose them one of the things that caught me to this day is over preparing so when i'm over prepared it's one less thing i have to worry about right i know what i'm going to say or i'm prepared and that i have knowledge or that i've studied so when i'm over prepared now i can actually focus on other things it actually elevates my confidence in that i understand what i'm going to speak about i'm going to understand what i'm going to be tested on it's not an easy thing because you'll look at other people and say well that person doesn't have to put in all that time why do i we're all quite different but for me over preparing has definitely helped me to boost my confidence even after i left the secret service and i began working in television i didn't understand journalism i didn't understand tv and i didn't like feeling like that i would feel i lacked confidence because i didn't understand it so i went and i applied to columbia university journalism schools one of the hardest schools to get into as an adult i left the u.s secret service and i applied to go back to school to college as an adult and i got in and then i studied journalism and i got my master's degree there because i needed to feel like i understood what i was doing and i over prepared so you literally were like okay i'm going from this to this i want to be in journalism now i actually don't know what the hell i'm doing so i have zero confidence because i have don't have the competence yet and so you went and that was your solution of like get study really hard so i go into it with confidence yes actually you just said it competence equals confidence when we talk about pressure when we talk about self-esteem and sticking up for yourself like all these subjects i honestly think you're the freaking expert because you've got actual training and so this it's so powerful but then once you bring emotion in it right it becomes slightly different so but i also mess up i've messed up which i think is amazing that's the thing like i've i don't know how many times i've messed up and so but i it's when i've messed up that i'm like man i shouldn't have done that man i shouldn't have said that but i this is the the difference i choose to learn from it and i choose to make it a lesson whereas other people like yeah and then you wonder why you're messing up all over the place like i i i i look at things and i assess things and i i'm truly honest with myself like every night i say i say to myself one thing what could i have done better today what could i have done differently today because i take accountability and when i take accountability man i flow but when i i'm when i don't i hit walls i i i understand that i don't know everything and is that because you know yourself so well because what i love is and i think this is why we get along so well we think very similarly like i'm the same it's like what can i do better because it empowers me to do better but i know a world where a lot of people even asking that same question at the end of the day a lot of people in this space that i've also interviewed have said i always say like it's okay lisa what did you do great today and it's self-soothing and i actually understand that part of it but i'm like you as well i also have the other side that at the end of the day i'm like what could you have done better how do you use that to empower yourself and not to shame yourself for doing things wrong no i don't shame myself so then yeah tell me how is that absolutely no i feel shame but you can be both you can be like what could i have done better and it's like okay i could have done this better i messed up and i will say to myself that's okay so what i do you can do you can be both you can hold yourself accountable be like i messed up who hasn't who hasn't and it's all right it's like all right you must stop move on yeah and there needs to be no shame yeah because it's so important the way you talk to yourself and treat yourself and speak to yourself like i wouldn't tolerate somebody else being like shame on you so why would i shame myself i understand and take accountability i messed up i shouldn't have done this i shouldn't have said this if i need to apologize to someone i will it's very rare now but i will own it i will own it like if you're going to a relationship like if i argue with my my significant other or even with my mom i go back and i'm like you know what in that moment i'll be like i was right and then five hours later i'm like no i didn't need to do that i'll go and i'll say i'm very sorry so i really think apologizing is good but then you also don't want to get into this mindset where you're constantly apologizing for how you feel and who you are apologize when you need to but that mindset and that language also pulls you back into this subordinate place apologies are important when you need to apologize but when you don't like if i argue with my significant other i'm like i'm not apologizing for this one not because i'm right but because it's not the situation isn't right and i want to address this with you i will hold it god i love that and i um i want to actually talk about verbal currency is what you call it i think verbal economics yeah verbal economics and because i'm so with you so even with my husband as well we literally have this language where he's he will say or i will say to him i'm sorry i've hurt you but i'm not sorry about what i said like what i said i actually still mean and if i apologize for what i said then it seems like i don't actually mean it now i'm sorry i hurt you and i'm sorry that like what words can i maybe change that didn't hurt you but my point is still the same and if i feel strongly in the point i don't want to apologize for it because then it seems like i'm kind of backtracking out of emotion right because oh i've hurt him so i'm sorry um and i actually don't think that solves any issue no but i think what you're doing is right but you also have to acknowledge that you did something whether you like it or not whether you agree with it or not it upset him so it's not like well i didn't mean it that way well it doesn't matter how you meant it this is how i took it but sometimes i will apologize because i'll be like i'm sorry we fought or i'm sorry for what i said or i'm sorry for my behavior um because i i am hot-headed and you know usually it's to the people closest to us that we will keep our composure out in public typically or with work and it's we lose it at home and that's no good either because that's how you lose people that's how you hurt people like we're not you're not meant to come home and dump on people and that's something to be very careful of so i came from a very high stress environment and even after i left the service working in television in the industry like there's so much stress i had to be very mindful of that to take that out on the people i go home to they're not there to be your dumping ground because at some point like you're gonna affect them and then you're gonna end up like where is everyone everyone left you because you're you're dumping all your stuff on them like they have a day they they're going through everyone's going through something and so self-assessment is such a huge thing and i you know i go by like i'm not always right humility is a big thing like people need to have that i don't know where that's gone everyone knows everything everybody's super self-righteous like have some humility you don't know anything none of us do oh where did sacra it was socrates i believe said this he said i know i'm smarter than you because i know i don't know everything and that's how i feel and so when i feel people going going going like that self-righteousness or that like i know everything like tune out i'm like okay i do the head not i'm like so great talking to you i'm going to go do business healthy elsewhere i'm going to go hang out elsewhere and i'm really like thoughtful about the inner circle i i keep because i want to grow as a human being and if i keep negativity in people who don't control themselves well and that's another thing as far as pressure be around people who who handle pressure well so you can learn from them i watch other people do you know working in the white house that was a huge like it was it was going to like school every day because i would watch the presidents the first ladies deal with serious pressures and i'd watch how they handle themselves and i'm like note to self yeah they would they would deal with horrible messages or emails or hate or all these different things and they would wake up and he president of the united states he still has to go to work he still has to run the country he can't just sit there and fall apart you have to keep yourself composed but at the same time they surround themselves by what other people who help keep them strong that's you have a cabinet and so i look at myself as like i'm not the president but in my mind i'm like i'm me who's my cabinet who are my cabinet members and who do i go to when i need help so if i'm about to like do something or say something i may call you lisa and be like lisa man i just had this business thing i know this is your space i'm like i'm about to lose my [ __ ] can i talk to you so i'll do it with you so i don't do it elsewhere but i'm mindful of where i project that now i'm mindful not to dump on you but i'll go to you because i feel like you you're the you know the space teach me so i think that there's so many different outlets it's like assessing yourself surround yourself with strong people if you're around people who like lose their [ __ ] guess what you're gonna do lose your [ __ ] and don't mimic other people when they escalate don't don't don't follow the don't follow i get trapped in that all the time i really do i've noticed that about me i keep calm i keep calm i keep calm but then like after a ceremony like if someone keeps escalating i keep calm at least you're doing good you're doing good people escalate lisa it's okay you're doing good and then they just keep escalating at some point i freaking just like when you when you escalate what do you do do you yell do you what do you do yeah my my tone gets louder my voice gets louder i get harsher i mean don't get me wrong like i've been in spaces like that when i feel that i really remove myself i go i go i go quiet so you said something earlier like i go silent when i can't keep composure i go silent if i disappear from someone's life i'm done or i've gone silent like i'll remove myself or even the situation and i'll come back but if i can't keep composure like i will assert myself like you have authority asserted and authority doesn't mean being a jerk authority doesn't mean being condescending and in fact authority is a strong influence tactic when you are perceived as an authority in something people will acquiesce to you more this is why we acquiesce so much to to doctors because we see them as authority law enforcement because they've got a uniform on financial advisors so many people acquiesce to them because we'd see them as an authority meanwhile like they could have graduated at last in their class and so when you assert yourself as an authority in body posture and voice in speech and how you present yourself people are less likely to mess with you so from the onset like i had to learn this a lot in the interview room when i would interview people who were criminals who would see me be like oh man this is going to be an easy day because i worried about that initially but i controlled that from the moment i met that person from the moment i met them from the moment break it down what do you mean by that hi how are you i'm evie pomperous nice to meet you and if i wanted to throw in special agent i freaking would hi i'm special agent pam perez nice to meet you come with me now granted this was an interview environment but i set the tone now this person understands that i she's an authority here i establish myself as an authority and that's really really important so i won't be passive passive is no go because that that builds up and then you blow up on people but if i'm also dealing with someone who's like i'm sorry a buffoon i'm done dealing with you i will minimize my detailing my my dealing with you i'll deal with you via email if i have to i'll pull back i'll have my manager deal with you like hey i don't want to talk to those guys guys at bozo i know i got to work with him can you handle him talk to me about that because i'm such a advocate for like words matter the words you use for yourself and the words you use to others um can signify either with yourself that you're inferior or um superior um and then to others whether you feel because like you said right authority so the language that you use in order to express the authority i assume is extremely important and what are the things that you feel make all the difference in that situation in situations so verbal economics is actually didn't come from me it came from my one of my former colleagues lee who's a great interviewer negotiator and he said he we talked about language and he said he turned the coin because we talked about how important it is the words we use because we would be very mindful of the words we use when we talk to people because certain words can put people off and cert you know make them shut down in other words can invite them in and make you appear more open and they communicate with you more so he would call it verbal economics meaning we live in a time where we think i have to say everything i'm thinking like i was mentoring this woman once she's like you know i talk really fast because i'm trying to get everything i'm thinking out of my mouth and i'm like why choose what you let out not every idea that pops into your head should you verbalize because when you do that you're not putting weight into your words so verbal economics means choosing your words thoughtfully and then what you're about to say think of it as money right and the more powerful impactful the words the more money you're putting down it's currency that you're using with another human being and if those words you're using have currency have weight they're going to impact that person more but if you're just like spewing out everything you're thinking there is no currency there because nothing is really truly a value look it's going to happen where people and things are going to come out the wrong way or say the wrong thing but when you can slow it down and really use this this mindset of verbal economics my words matter and they have weight that they impact another human being in some way and it can impact them in a positive or negative way and it can also impact me whether what i get from that relationship is positive or negative so how do you start assessing which are the high dollar bills and the low dollar bills it depends on the situation like with i talk about priming a lot in the book and priming is you can prime people to to be more open with you and it's actually good negotiators good people who do business before you do a pitch we used to have the saying even in the interview room you're opening line you should always write that thing down that should be rehearsed you should never fly by the seat of your pants that opening line is going to be the defining the defining moment and how the rest of your conversation's going to go so like priming words you know hi i'm evie it's so nice to be here thank you for having me i can't wait to talk to you about the partnership and create an open relationship and an honest one where we can cooperate together now in there i threw in priming words open cooperative relationship so i'm priming you to want to work with me to create this open environment you can also do that with your environment as far as like having open space letting people not feel closed in you can prime situations and people talking to people uh man tables like i've like i could teach people to do interviews or talk to people like and you do you're solid you have open space here but people do negotiations and they have tables between them biggest 101 fundamental never negotiate with somebody with a table between you two i i taught this interviewing thing for realtors and how to sell ballot better i did a speaking presentation and they worked so hard to like get people to connect with them to sell them like property and all this stuff and then they go to sit down to do paperwork and what do they do you worked all this time to build this rapport and the minute you sit down at the table you just killed it because now it went from an informal hey we're buddies to like all right sit down and do business and think about moments somebody sits down and does business what do everybody do we straighten up okay we're going to do business now okay i'm going to do my interview now i don't want that guy or gal i want the person before i want my buddy and you have a table i've heard you say hey when you can't actually see their body and the whole point is to realize body language oh yeah how can i read somebody's one tables work as barriers right so they are psychological barriers there's me and then there's you even i teach i have a podium i never stand behind my podium i come out from the podium i walk through the aisles of my classroom because i let my students know hey it's not me and then you right it's us i'm here with you are we doing dates wrong then because people go on dinner dates not for a date you don't know the studio or a guy like you want to have some space between you like me walking through the aisle and having a couple of feet between me is different when you're sitting at a table what are you talking about one to two feet not on a date like i would be super thoughtful especially if you don't know somebody like first dates especially using apps or whatever you really got to be mindful about who you meet public places the first few dates definitely have some space monitor that space like between you and that person don't give personal information don't have them come pick you up at your home i know i just went on a tangent with this but i have so many people ask me about this and i'm like you get a baby you have to be really careful don't trust unconditionally like you don't know people i really like that because if you know that you're about to put yourself under pressure whether it's a day or whether it's a job interview whether it's something else having these tactics of like how far to sit from someone like i think about a lot of things i don't even think about that or like how that would impact you but i think about this is what happens when you're under pressure you think about who yourself and you that's all you're thinking about me me me i i i'm under pressure i'm under this and you're not thinking about the person across from you one of the ways i deflect pressure to for myself is i'll think about that person i forget about me that i'm gonna present i'm gonna speak i'm going on camera and what i do is to relieve the pressure off of me i'm like what does that person want and so when i can focus on who the recipient is i forget about myself so that is truly another tactic like i just shot something uh project here and you know i wanted to make sure i did a really good job when we were shooting and i took it back to like i'm delivering something for the viewer someone something somebody's going to see and so that's what matters so i took myself out of it i'm nervous i'm i want to do a good job me and i made it about them what do they need to see what do they need to hear so that it feels impactful and authentic and that takes that distracts me from me but if you're presenting something so to speak be prepared like a big part of pressure is not being prepared if you're prepared that's one less thing you have to worry about if you got on the right outfit that's one less thing you have to worry about if your hair and makeup are done in the same in the way you you feel confident that's one less thing you have you have to worry about so i look at it as columns let's say i'm nervous about something right i'm nervous about speaking because i'm just nervous and i the pressure of speaking so here's that column speaking i'm like all right here's where i have a struggle but what other columns can i control well i can control what i wear so i feel good and strong and i can control how i look and i can control how much i prepare and i can control my prior linguistics my voice my speech my rate i can so i'll check all these other boxes where here it's like all right here i'm still kind of flailing a bit but i control all these other things because you can go into a situation and thinking again going back to my previous career where we would go into situations have all these protocols in place but in the end i don't know how someone's going to respond or react or if there's going to be an attack or whatever it's going to be but i controlled all these other verticals i'm prepared i'm wearing i've got my gear on i've got my shoes on that i need to run or fight with or whatever my hair is pulled back i'm confident i got a good night's sleep whatever i need to do i checked all those boxes so that when something does break bad or there is pressure i'm i'm good here i just got to worry about here i love that god every time i talk to you like the thing that always just screams so much is you just take ownership you take ownership over your actions you take ownership over the outcomes and i heard you in your book talk about taking ownership over the outcome and a lot of people give i like to say give away their power by saying but this person advised me this person told me to do this and so they've given away their ownership over the situation but i've heard you talk about like no even if other people give advice it's on you um talk to me about that have you always felt like that um how do you do that and how do you do that and not going back to the shame thing take ownership over it but not shame yourself i love what you just said because what you said is exactly right what a lot of people do is we'll blame other people because we think we're protecting ourselves i'm gonna blame this person because i don't want it on me but what you don't realize is in the long term you do damage to yourself because that becomes your default and now nothing is your fault and everything is everybody else's fault and then nothing's going to work out for you and you give your power away when i blame other people i do the exact same thing and i came from an agency where they're like i don't they don't they don't want to hear excuses save your excuses so i was also groomed like own your [ __ ] you make a mistake own it make a mistake fix it nobody wants to hear it find out what it is fix what it is and then that way you can move forward forward and excel you make yourself more insecure and you hit your own confidence when you do that when you blame other people because you're saying all these people have control over me i have no control over my fate or what happens i'm the captain of my ship so i'm going to steer the direction it goes and if a wave comes and it knocks me over then i'm gonna fix my ship and steer another way i love that so much and that so i've been as you know been suffering with health issues for five years and for the first three years i was going to all the doctors waiting for them to fix me but over time i figured out what was wrong with my gut and there was abuse on antibiotics i was getting sick a lot and so i was blaming the doctors if the doctors thought they were giving me too many antibiotics i shouldn't have been having too many they were just prescribing it and i was then going to the doctors to fix me then the ownership thing came in i was like hang on a minute if i say that it's on them that caused this how can i then take ownership over fixing it but if i flip my mind and say lisa this was you the doctor didn't force antibiotics down my throat i swallowed them myself the doctors would say you know i probably shouldn't give you this many antibiotics never once did i say why never once did i sit there with google and go what is the worst thing that can happen if i take too many antibiotics and once i realized i was like wow this is all my fault and that's amazing because now i can fix it now i'm not waiting for the doctors to fix me and immediately i started going to biohacking i got like glucose level monitors and and since then over the last two years is when i've finally been able to make change do you realize that this is this profound for me do you realize that you were taking these medications and not questioning anybody why authority yeah a doctor gave it to you yeah yeah oh he must know he must know well if he's telling me to take it and we don't question it's like oh okay doctor the doctor told me to do this the doctor told me to do that but you're choosing to put it into your body like we have no sense of like like responsibility over ourselves you are responsible like i am responsible for myself so whatever happens to me happens to me because i choose certain things to some degree like i choose like i have a choice and like i monitor that decision and if i choose wrong i chose wrong rather than like this person this if i could say one of the things that i don't want to say is the pet peeve but one of the things that disappoints me sometimes with folks is like when i hear excuses and i'm like why are you blaming everyone else for everything like life is being done to you you're not you're not doing to life you're not experiencing life you're not you're not doing it it's being done to you everything is being done to you and it's so easy to get into that mindset right because a lot of the time excuses are val like they're valid right if you were to come to me and you're like oh my god i just got robbed and you're like this guy he was like seven fur and i didn't see him coming and so all of these things like you know and let's say they robbed you but if you had said i put my oh god this is a terrible situation in fact i don't want to be victim blaming and i worry that i'm about to go down a whole victim blames things there's actually something called victimology really yes what's victimology victimology is when we look at people who have been victims of crime to see if there's certain patterns and the there's there's certain things that make somebody either more or less susceptible to crime and lifestyle is one of them and so your lifestyle can impact you it's not about blaming it is lifestyle choices how do you separate the two then well it's about assessing so it's like if i go out and i get drunk and i'm with a friend and my friend leaves me i can either blame my friend for leaving me if something happens to me i could be like i went out i chose to get drunk part of that's on me because i didn't have a proper plan in place to make sure i had the right friend to make sure maybe i didn't go out and get drunk i growing up i avoided drinking i grew up in new york and there's a lot of bad things happening out but i wanted to go out and be young and experience a nightlife so i chose i'm like i'm going to choose to have my wits about me but i can still go out and so i avoided drinking because i wanted to make sure nothing happened to me that helped helped me stay safe to some degree or you know working out at night like i i've expressed this to you i work out at night and i go running at night but i will make an assessment i'm like oh man it looks really desolate here tonight i'm not going to go so victimology is about looking at patterns and then the findings in the research of victimology also show that if somebody's victim of one crime that they potentially are victimized multiple times so usually you're not victim once but multiple times and i think that's a really good thing to look at not just when we're talking about crime or something being happened to you but in life so if you see that you're constantly being victimized by people right this person took advantage of me then this person this person did this to me so if you're constantly in that victim's space ask yourself what am i doing to let people think that they can do this to me there's something i am doing or not doing that lets people think that they can treat me this way that they can take advantage of me and then being honest with yourself to change that just you entering the secret service what you had to do with your mind has been incredible and that you said that you had to build mental armor in order to be part of it and that the secret service have to basically break you down in order to build you back up talk to me about that and what it takes to build mental armor well usually when you go through these types of academies one of the things they do is they break you down they they're not there to tell you keep going good job like you will not hear any of that stuff they put you through a lot of stress and part of the psychology behind that is it's actually called a hermetic effect where you give you induce small amounts of stress into someone and those small amounts of stress when they happen you learn to cope with them and so you cope greater stress you learn to cope greater stress you learn to cope and so what happens is you are a very different person from the day you show up day one to the day you leave because that they are helping build your resilience and building mental resilience is having stress in your lives which is really goes against everything else that you hear it's like oh live stress free you don't want stress in your life everything should be zen it's the exact opposite because if you're not think of it this way if you're not dealing with any stress if you're not dealing with adversity you're not dealing with obstacles then when something does happen you're not going to know what to do stress is good certain levels of stress are good they teach you how to to cope they teach you how to problem solve they teach you how to fail and then to do better the next time so training is like that they break you down and they also want to see who you are when you are stressed out because when you're stressed you act you don't really get to think and a big part of that is you want to see somebody's true nature stress them out and see who they are you know people it'll tell you a lot about somebody when they're not actually thinking about what do i do here and can you think under stress not everybody can so when you're under that amount of stress what do you personally tell yourself to get through it because i've heard you say that um it's not only such a male dominated field but it's like one of the hardest male dominated fields and so for you like how do you level up to perform at the level that they expect ever like the men to perform the truth is lisa i don't know because i didn't go in there thinking oh i'm a woman oh it's going to be harder for me oh they're not going to want me it didn't matter to me because if you if i went in with that mindset i'm a woman because right then and there i'm just i'm defeating myself because i'm thinking because i'm a woman first of all i'm making it a negative that i am a woman and it's a problem and so now psychologically i'm putting myself before anybody even had a chance to put me at a disadvantage i just put myself at a disadvantage because i'm and you know fill in the blank i am a put your race put your ethnicity put your gender put whatever you want i am this no one's gonna like me but you show people who you are if you sit there and you're verbally trying to convince everybody hey i should be here hey you should respect me hey you should this you're gonna you're gonna go bananas and so you just perform so in areas where i was weak i performed if if i had to run look i was not a great runner i never had to run before and so i went into the academy and i was like the running we did was it was beyond running it was just running with gear on it was running with boots on it was running just for miles and miles it's running in the heat in the freezing cold i had to work on it and so when we finished running during the day in training guess what i did at night i went running and so there's there's this level of psychology it's like i didn't i was i was there i had earned my place there and i was staying i wasn't going anywhere so beyond that you have we have so much power we don't realize and we think that when we hear this noise or chatter around us it's up to you how much you let it penetrate you it's like you create this mental shield so it's who do you let in and what do you keep out if after i did all these things people still had an issue with me despite outperforming even them then at that point you know i'm not the problem you're the problem and so sometimes it's like i'm actually not weak you're the one who's weak right weak people push other people down so that they can feel stronger hearing people's opinions is important because they can help guide you but it's also important to know which opinions you should listen to and when you you know which opinions you should not listen to can you differentiate the difference between those that matter and those that don't how do you decide that you know in my case when i went my first week of training actually with the service academy i remember some guys pulled me aside and they said they some people don't want you here they don't think you should be here and i remember being thinking to myself i just showed up how do people not want me and the reply was well they think that you're physically not capable to do this job and at that point i was like all right well i'll show you and so it wasn't about me getting into an argument and debating it it was about doing it and i think we we do is we process things in our head and sometimes thinking thinking thinking thinking worrying all that stuff we create our own mental chatter and it distracts us from actually moving forward and i focus on putting one foot in front of the other if i sat there and i thought oh my god how am i gonna get through the next six months that would have been very difficult but it's like how am i going to get through the next five minutes how am i going to get through the next class how am i going to get through the next hour of shooting how am i going to get through the next hour of combat training and that's how i did it that's how i approached it but when you see that you're doing all these things and you're doing well you also have to check in with yourself am i doing everything i can yes i am am i succeeding yes i am so it's not me it's you but if i'm falling short if i'm not going running at night if i'm not training hard at night and i just show up there waiting for people to accept me well then now it's me and so a lot of it is self-assessment it's 50 you and then it's 50 the other person but you really have to be honest with yourself if you if you're blaming everybody outside of you for what's going wrong wrong for what's happening for why this why that this person doesn't like me this person doesn't respect me if you're so focused on that person you're not looking at you yeah god i love everything you just said like i'm such a believer of like be so good they can't ignore you like concentrating on yourself being so good at what you're doing that everyone around around you literally cannot ignore you because you're that good and so proving it i absolutely love that absolutely resonates with me um and i love what you said is like earning respect you can't persuade someone to give you respect you have to earn you can't make people respect you right respect is a gift if somebody wants to give it to you they will and if they don't they don't and i think there's something freeing in that and knowing that i do everything i needed to do i'm letting it go if you want to respect me you can and if you don't want to give it that's fine too you can't force it and and in some sense you don't need it oh you don't need it so when you walked into let's say interrogation rooms um is respect even on the table is that a is that uh something that is important in those moments so it's interesting because before i became an interrogator i didn't want to become one it was a polygraph examiner and my job was to step in and get confessions from people for cases where we had a difficulty we didn't have enough proof or the person wasn't confessing and this this person would get away with a crime and initially i didn't want to be an interrogator i thought who's going to talk to me they're going to see me they're going to high-five themselves and be like oh this is going to be easy and i'm happy in this situation that the senior examiner believed in me more than i believed in myself and he's like you will be good at this because no one's going to see you coming no one's going to see it coming they're going to underestimate you and that's a positive thing and you know and i was like well you know how am i going to get people to respect me in the room what if i have an issue and one of the things he also told me is like don't force it command respect so we would do simple things like hi how are you evie nice to meet you have a seat i'd show you where to sit it was my room i'd have a maneuver where um for example like my chair had wheels on it the person's chair whom i was inter interviewing didn't have wheels on it the psychology behind that was i can move around this is my room you're stuck in that chair and so there are certain little things that i could do to show you i was in charge rather than tell you i was in charge one of the things they warned me about they said don't tell people that you're the boss i'm the boss i'm the authority you listen to me the minute those words come out of your mouth you just did the exact opposite you just lost all credibility when you have to tell somebody you're the boss do you think they don't know you're the boss if i said to the person hey i'm the special agent do you think they didn't know they were sitting across from a special agent and so it takes away from you and so it's less this and more showing through action how do you carry yourself how do you walk into a room how do you speak how do you project your voice all those things exude power and all those things command respect um but i've actually got a quote of yours that is um very powerful i would like to read my successes in standing my ground wasn't really about my physical strength it was about my mental conviction i had to speak with confidence to make sure those who heard my message heard it clearly the first time and when i did act i had to do it so in a way that assured it would not be mistaken for weak or uncertain of my abilities yeah how do you do that it's the way you carry yourself i feel like breaking down what does size matter like that's the thing like power and strength first it lives in the mind right so if i think myself strong i am strong if i think i'm like you know even with that you know chinese delegate or if when i've had altercations with somebody bigger than me or somebody's messed with me you know my and i knew maybe they'd they could take me you know my mind i'm like all right man you know you may walk over here but and you may beat me but i promise you you're going to be limping back you're going to have to earn that and that's kind of like that that sentiment i've always had like i don't ever put myself underneath it's like i'm gonna brawl if i need to brawl but again like i i'm speaking this way but it really isn't my go-to behavior it was though like i really didn't want to fight everybody when i was younger and i wanted to to express my opinion and force my opinions on other people's throats and i'm like why am i doing that and i realize that we do that one ego your ego runs a mock and then two insecurity especially when you're younger you're trying to figure yourself out so you don't know who the hell you are and be being grounded in yourself so i i really think it's like just about pausing and not letting yourself kind of like run wild but once you do that because you then say like and when i did act i had to do so in a way that assured it would not be mistaken for weak or uncertain of my abilities all right so i'll give you an example power linguistics and you know i've talked about this if i don't want somebody to go into this room i'm going to say you can't go into this room versus you can't go into this room so my tone my pitch i speak with conviction so what do you sound like when you deliver your information what words do you use that's the thing what do they hear what do they hear when they hear you like i know a lot of people who can't watch themselves on camera can't hear themselves like oh my god is that what i sound like then fix it how would you start to fix it then look you want to strengthen your voice you don't want to be like okay you can't go into this room you can't go into this room it's like you can't go into this room you also have to believe in what you're saying and why you're saying so when i did my previous job like i was protecting the president of the united states i had the backing of the u.s secret service and look having that gives you confidence gives you confidence but i also went through training academies and i had people get in my face i had to deal with things but the more adversity you deal with the more resilient you become when you don't deal with adversity when you avoid conflict you don't know what to do when real conflict shows up repetition repetition in creating habits that are healthy so that when things happen you default to those habits and you pull up that version of you so i have that version of me that's the stand your ground version it's like oh no no no but i'm also tactical about it so somebody can come at me or do something or betray me i'm not going to come at them at the most obvious of ways i'm also not going to do anything that brings me lower you know and it gets really hard man because that greek part of me and that coins part of me wants to come out but i will i won't call that person names i really really will control but i'm like i'll fix you in some other way but the right way the best way the strategic way not to hurt you but to kind of get you out of their way and you know what's interesting too there's two main reasons or well there's two types of personas to be careful of people who are extremely self-righteous and people who use justification and so let me start with justification when i did interviews polygraphs i would interview people who did really horrible things and can i tell you they would almost always justify it we would have the saying any person can do anything at any given moment in time given the opportunity because you can justify it to yourself well i did i punched him or i hit him with a bat because he shoved me does justification or i'm going to go after him and his money you know or after his family because he did this to me or she did that to me and justification is very dangerous because you can you use that to justify you doing something bad or somebody else will use that to justify harming you at the end of the day what you're doing is horrible just be aware of that you're just justifying it to yourself even when i interview people who committed crimes of passion or just crime in general well i did this to her because she did that because she led me on because she teased me whatever whatever the case may be or because she you know betrayed me in this way and so people hit back so you ever have that time where you're like i can't believe this person did this to me he's like yes you can you know why because in their minds they justified what they're doing to you that's why sometimes we have these moments like what are they thinking they're thinking i'm justified the other persona to watch for is self-righteousness that is huge so that's the i am holier than thou i know better i'm i'm above you or when you have people you ever you know you ever have anybody be like you know what i'm really going to pray for you because you need it right anybody says that to you it's like first of all it's the most condescending thing you can say to someone because it's insinuating i'm closer to god or allah or whoever you believe too than you are so i'm going to talk to him for you no don't worry about it i'll go talk to him or her myself and with self-righteousness it's like you believe you're so right and that's rigidity that when you think no no no i'm so right let me tell you how right i am red flags and look at how people treat other people because if they gossip about other people they treat other people the poor the wrong way i promise you they're doing the same thing to you or will do the same thing to you you have to look at people holistically who they are with everybody because that's going to come back to you that's so amazing i love those breakdowns so if you've noticed these characteristics in people is that when you're like okay this is someone that is probably going to cross a boundary disrespect me so i'm going to distance myself you feel dirty right don't you feel that when you deal with certain people and they haven't betrayed you yet but there's these little lies or little betrayals and you feel like you feel dirty i wouldn't have said dirty but i totally get what you mean but i have that's one of my triggers is being spoken down to so i definitely understand what you're what do you do i'm like i'm flipping the interview around i know i'm curious because what would i do okay so if it was in business i wouldn't bring it up because i wouldn't want to show that i'm weak because it is a weakness i absolutely see it because it's a trigger and i think any triggers can be a weakness so for me i would it's my trigger and i've identified it's a trigger i know that it means that that's a weakness i wouldn't want to show it's a weakness and to be honest i think part of me is like it's a weakness and i just need to get stronger and i'm still i tell myself i'm still in training you're not there yet lisa like i don't beat myself up over it but i do acknowledge it i acknowledge what has happened i acknowledge it's a trigger i acknowledge it comes from my childhood and i take deep breaths and i may either um go quiet actually or i step back and we'll try and get out of that conversation immediately because i do not want them to see it but i actually now that i'm thinking about it i think i do the opposite with my family if it's my family in the moment i'm like maybe you didn't realize but you actually just disrespected me there so i always then follow up with hey i know you don't mean to i know your intention i know you love me but i feel like you actually just disrespected me here and then we'll just have that back and forth it's like oh my god no i didn't mean to this is what i did i was like oh cool thank you for explaining and if it's me i'll even say actually yeah you're right thank you for explaining i realize this is my insecurity i have to go on work on it but if i still disagree and i think that they actually did disrespect i will keep going and i'll start to break down what language what word they used um because i really want to bond with them and i think that when it's a stranger if you put guard up it's not a big deal but when you want to get close to somebody i'm always going to reveal the true you know the real me okay so i feel like with family i let a lot go with family interest because it's just who they are i guess like i've come to a place and age where i'm like i know who i am i'm grounded as a person and i i don't feel like i have to argue every point like sometimes like i'll have to check somebody here and there be like hey let's relax you know i'll do that and but even with my husband i'm like hey i'd appreciate you saying that but i i let a lot go because i found like it doesn't matter like my i don't get as affected by it because because you said something you're like most of the time they don't come from a place of a bad place so if i know they don't come from a bad place why do i have to correct it like that's me i'm just like okay that's mom that's my brother that's my husband that but like if i'm betrayed in some way like i will i will have it out but usually for me betrayal like we're talking true like you like stab me in the back wherever you wanna i'm done with you because at that point like you've done so much damage and i'm very mindful like i don't i'm very mindful my behavior because sometimes we can betray someone and justify why we're doing it but i have to do this because it's the right thing to do it's the right thing to do by you and your little head but maybe not by everybody else or maybe not by me and so if if someone crosses that line for me it's it's done if somebody has it in them to harm you in such a significant way why on earth would i ever want to repair that i also can't bring you back in it's just like look it's done just go and then i think that's more powerful and you don't even have to tell people i've cut people out of my life silently why do i have to tell you i just pull back pull back pull back and then one day it's like she's not around anymore yeah how do you not let that feeling fester or build up then oh sure i let it fester and build up but i do it in the privacy of my own home and then you just let it go yeah i'll go work out i'll go run i'll complain to my husband or [ __ ] to my brother like i'll do that i let it i let it come out of me like you can't this is the thing you have to experience things we don't want to suppress stuff because you suppress it it's going to manifest itself in other ways so you are allowed to do whatever it is you need to do to move through it so i do that like i have moments where i'm like heated and angry i'm not like kumbaya all the time like you know no like i'll go through it i may spend a week in rage but then i know like don't have too much contact with people like if it's that deep of a thing but i've developed over time again resiliency and habit it's just habit repetition you bounce back you bounce back you also like and i say this in the book don't be surprised everybody at the end of the day is looking out for their self-interests they really are not because they're bad people they just are and if somehow you get in the way of that you might get either pushed to the side or bulldozed completely and so you have to understand that so when you see from that perspective you you it gives it a little bit of logic i mean you understand the pain of it but you shouldn't be surprised you shouldn't be like i can't believe it it's like i get it you can say that to a point but then you know what let's move on because then you get into that victim mentality and that's a really dangerous place to live i know a lot of people who live there who have experienced a lot of people who live there i've kind of like tippy-toed into that place myself like when i was much younger and i'm like i'm not living in this space i'm not going to be a victim you know i don't like that word and so i just for me again for me the language i use in my mind is so powerful like i'm really thoughtful like of what i consume what language i use to define myself how do you do that because typically when people go to confront other people it's like all right there's going to be a battle here they're going to get their walls up but i've heard you talk so eloquently about the words you you use and how you are able to confront people without it being feeling like you're being combative what are the tricks there because right i love this well don't don't take it personal and don't talk to people like they're garbage don't sit there and yell at people if you yell at people and talk to them like garbage you're going to get garbage and so if i want information if i'm trying to get something from you or i want to be able to understand what you're thinking i'm going to speak to you in a way that you understand but i will approach you one at a time when i am not angry because there are moments where i'm like i can't speak to this person i will not speak to this person i need to calm down i need to think clearly and when i get when i get in the right mindset then i'll figure out how to speak to you so let's say you're dealing with somebody who's being dishonest okay and they've been lying to you well one thing to think about is when you approach them you don't want to say hey i know you've been lying to me and this is how i know think of it this way who likes to be called a liar no one no one likes to be called a liar so what you can say is like hey lisa look i feel that there's something you know you're not being truthful with me about everything there's some things that you're holding back and i really want this relationship to work so i'm hoping we can have an honest conversation and open you know dialogue and just really kind of get to the bottom of what's going on it'd really really be important to me so i can be as pissed at you as much as i want but i would do that i actually did this with an ex-boyfriend um and i suspected that he was being dishonest he was either talking to his ex-girlfriend or whatever this was many years ago do you think i was livid i was furious but i needed to know what was going on i was like i need to know i can't spend time with this person and so i put on my non-confrontational i'm going to talk to you nicely hat and i put on my interrogator interviewer hat and i said you know and i just began talking to him nicely you know oh tell me about your last relationship wow it sounds like it was really important to you what was it like that must have been hard to break up do you really think i want to hear about her no i did not but i sat there and i remember being on the phone with him listening to this conversation and then eventually his walls go down he forgets who he's talking to he starts telling me more and more and as he's talking to me i realize oh my god he's still talking to her yes and so that that point i got what i wanted i needed knowledge to figure out do i stay or do i go and so because i was able to get that information i was able to go and leave that relationship and avoid future pain so there's three things you should think about when you communicate with people body language verbal language paralinguistics body language is how you're seated so right now i like you you like me and one of the indicators is the way our legs are crossed they're actually crossed toward each other if we didn't like each other we'd be maybe sitting something like this i'd be a little bit more that way so i use my body as a barrier or even leaning in when you like somebody you lean in and so this creates like hey i like you let's talk so people are more engaged now verbal language is kind of what we touched on before not calling somebody a liar watching the things you say to them even when i would wear cases where somebody would steal money i would never say to them did you steal that money did you take that money if somebody raped someone i wouldn't say did you rape her rape is an ugly word who wants to be a rapist did you hurt her right so i would be mindful of the words that i used and so that is the verbal language that we assessed uh paralinguistics is how you say the things you say and so again based on your audience if you have somebody who's a man who's really strong who's a boss you might want to you know deepen your voice bring up a little bit more strength and when you talk project if you're dealing with like a young girl you want to bring it down soften it match that person mirror her language and something as simple as look at the words people use like if do they like oh that's great that's great you know what i'm gonna say that's great that's great i even use it when i do emails uh when i receive somebody's email and i look at how they introduce themselves hi evie dear evie hello evie guess how i respond back i look at their email if they write hi i write hi they write hello i write hello if they write dear i write dear and that's to meet them where they are what is that purpose to create something in common i get you you get me subconsciously it makes them feel like oh i like her she used dear i use deer they don't know that i'm doing that even when i close the email sincerely i'll put sincerely people like people who they have things in common with but don't pretend to be something you're not so just bring the version of you that would resonate best with them so you're saying i'm not faking it i'm just bringing out a part of me that works with that person better so for example usually when i did interviews in the past i would bring a stronger version of me because typically i interviewed men who committed crimes and so i had to be fair and balanced but i also had to exude a bit more strength and power right but i remember one occasion i interviewed a young woman she was 22 years old she was a babysitter nanny and she had there was a baby with a broken arm and i had to interview her now she had been interviewed about four times by state police and they were like she's not giving anything up do you want to give it a try and i said sure so when i saw her and i walked into the interview room this is my criminal now right she was scared she was seated like this her voice was really really soft and low and i'm not going to come in there with the interrogator evie because that would not have worked with her but what worked with her is hi how are you how's everything i brought the version of me it's still me that would work with her hour and a half later confession wow so it's really about paying attention to the person across from you how do you do that shut up and listen to people like to talk less i always say 80 percent listen 20 talk and especially when you first meet people and you're trying to figure them out let them do the talking ask open-ended questions and then that way let people guide you and give you the information you need rather than guessing what do i say to this person who am i talking to let them tell you and people love to talk about themselves let them knock on themselves out you know let them tell you everything about themselves and then you figure out who they are you figure out how they think what's important to them their values their belief systems what they want to share with you and then you can chime in more intelligently rather than guessing or making assumptions and the wrong assumptions so how do you do that then so there's a woman that has you guys think has um hurt this child there's an assumption there that she has done it she hasn't confessed at what point do you say oh maybe she's not lying or maybe this is an assumption of ours and we are wrong like how do you differentiate and how do you know when your assumptions are influencing you don't make assumptions don't assume your assumptions are facts is it conjecture or is it fact my husband always says that to me when we talk he's like is this an opinion is this what you think or is this what you know to be true and so approach it from that regard so in this situation we had an assumption it was possibly her but we weren't 100 sure so when you speak to people you have to be non-biased recognize okay i think it's this person but i could be wrong the way you should look at is i'm going in there to find out the truth whether it was the nanny whether it's a relationship whether it's a business partner whatever it is i'm after the truth how do i get to the truth i i think this is it but you also have to be aware that there's a slight possibility that i could be wrong until if you go in with this biased perception of like i know this person did this i know this person lied to me i know this person deceived me if you go in with that no matter what they say to you that narrative whatever they say to you you can make that narrative confirm with what you believe it's confirmation violence you can make it fit into what you want and then you'll disregard the things that don't suit you so you say when you're going in leave it at the door don't go in with any type of bias make no assumption assume that there is that possibility what are you after the truth you want to know something i wanted to know that my if my boyfriend was still talking to his girlfriend every part of me wanted to be like flip him the finger and tell him what i thought of him but that would that do me any good nope no and so i had an assumption i wasn't sure so i went in there non-threatening neutral conversation hey i'm your bff let's talk oh my god that's horrible how did you break up oh it's so i can't i'm so sad for you you really must miss her i mean it was really hard but i had to sit through it because you wanted because i needed to protect myself in some way and so i need to know what he is doing who he is talking to yeah i'm sure people ask this a lot of you but um what are some key things on knowing when someone's lying to you or not so it goes back to what we talked about body language verbal language and paralinguistic so what happens with body language if someone is lying it's easy and it's not easy so what i want to say with this it's really studying human behavior and really assessing the person across from you now if you know someone and you're able to develop a baseline like you know this person you know when they're talking to you how they typically carry themselves and then you look for a deviation in their character so if you ask somebody a really stressful question how are they going to respond i remember once i was interviewing a woman it was for a job because we had to you had to take a polygraph to get into the service and during the interview i had to ask her about her drug history in the whole interview for example she's sitting like this she's nodding her head we're connecting it's great and the minute i start asking her about her drug experimentation her legs started doing this just this nothing else just up and down up and down so i'm watching this and i'm thinking could be a fluke could be something so we talked for a little bit we changed the conversation when i changed the conversation away from drugs her leg stopped then i'm thinking okay i need to go back to this to see if there's an issue here so i brought the conversation back i'm like hey i have another question about what we talked about earlier about your drug experimentation and the legs started doing this and so in that moment i knew i'm like okay something's bothering her with this question now i didn't want to make the assumption she's a liar right could be maybe her husband does drugs her father does drugs oh who knows or maybe it is her and so at that point i become curious and when you become curious when you learn to read people's nuances you become curious and then you ask the follow-up questions then you start i need to pay attention red flag and so that's where body language comes in what are they doing that's different from what they've done before because when we're stressed out our body bleeds information so you can sit there and be really calm and collected and lie to somebody but sometimes the body can't control it it's too much there's too much happening and you know there's also this this con this concept about eye contact oh you know you know look me in the eyes and tell you tell me the truth right i can look you in the eyes all day long and lie lie lie so it's really just understanding that person but if you notice that i'm always looking at you in the eyes and then the minute i start to tell you something that you're concerned about i look away now you're like why did she just look away this whole time she's looking at me in the eyes i asked her this difficult question now she shifts her gaze so you're looking for you're looking at the difference what changed in me and now with with language there's also things to look at in language just a lot of times it has to do with paying attention so if i say to you lisa you know what time did you get home last night and you say to me well you know i usually get home around six would you answer the question but you'd be surprised how many people will let that go and they will move on i didn't ask you what time you usually get home i asked you what time did you get home last night because people are trying to avoid lying directly is that why they do it yeah it slips through the cracks it does well look people we all know it's wrong to lie so we don't like lying so the most popular way we lie is through omission we will leave something out we will be vague in our language and so we really want to listen to the language are people answering your question um when you ask a question do they respond back with a question who me are you talking to me it could be a stalling tactic yes it's me there's nobody else in the room it's just you and i who else would be asking you and so listening to the language that people use also another indicator is usually um when we speak we'll say i i feel this way i this i went here i that i i what you'll tend to see in verbal language is somebody who doesn't use i uh it means that there's a lack of commitment that they're telling you something but they're not committed to it so think of the sentence if i say to you miss you love you can't wait to see you okay i miss you i love you i can't wait to see you there's more of a commitment on that latter one so you can possibly assume again assumption that the first person really doesn't miss you all that much really doesn't love you all that much doesn't care whether they see you and so there's so many clues in the things we say then also how we say them you know do people speak with conviction are they vague so when it comes to deception people who lie are typically vague because when you're lying there's so much more you have to remember they won't be as detailed wow yes that was fire girl and everything is in the book that they can find everything there's so much stuff but it's all great stuff and it's all it's all the little things like there's no gimmick there's no like here just do these three steps you will know it's it's really understanding people studying human behavior look i'm fascinated by people and everyone's unique and everybody's different and so you want to learn people understand people and the more curious you are about people the more you'll be able to read them and think what matters is to this person why would they lie to me what would there be their what would be their incentive their motive and that's where empathy comes in using empathy to understand somebody else's perspective see the world not through your eyes through their eyes i think if you really want to be accurate at reading people you're looking for what are the hidden emotions that someone doesn't feel safe sharing and one can you address them but two can you make them feel more safe research finds about 60 to 90 percent of our communication is nonverbal that's a lot it's insane

Channel: Lisa Bilyeu

Views: 124,689

Keywords: women of impact, woman of impact, lisa bilyeu, tom bilyeu, impact theory, quest nutrition, motivation, inspiration, Evy Poumpouras, Lisa Bilyeu, Women of Impact, women, women empowerment, interview, business advice, advice for women, tips for women, podcasts, female secret service, becoming bulletproof, body language, being disrespected, handle confrontation, master your emotions, control yourself, be more confident, have more confidence

Id: 73KCNVlwr0k

Length: 111min 28sec (6688 seconds)

Published: Sun May 01 2022