Is He Stringing You Along? Dating Do's & Don'ts and the Major Red Flags He's not Serious | Tinx

when men meet women in a romantic setting he will put her into one of three boxes he wants to date her he wants to sleep with her or he wants nothing to do with her where women get really confused the amount of female friends that I have that have given up on dating yeah like not even just like I'm not sure they've given up yeah and so I really want to talk about today how on Earth we've got in there what we can do what are the things that we're getting trapped in and then unwinding it and so that we can actually Empower people to actually start dating because I think we can all agree that finding somebody when they're right for you can be beautiful so take me through box Theory so box theory is my theory that when men meet women in a romantic setting so that means a date or you know meeting on a dating app or something like that or a blind date um he will put her into one of three boxes he wants to date her he wants to sleep with her or he wants nothing to do with her okay if it's the third box easy peasy like everyone should be clear on that one where women get really confused if they're in between the date box and the hookup box if a guy if you're in the Deep box you can act almost any way you want and he will still want to date you so if he's decided like I want to date this girl seriously you can get drunk on the first date you can sleep with him on the first date you can puke on his shoes he will not care because he's already made that decision if you're in the hookup box uh on the I mean vice versa he has already made the decision that he doesn't want to date you seriously you could act like a nun you could act like a chase like you know not have sex with him for for months you could talk about how much you love dogs and your family it's still not going to change his mind and then people say well thanks for putting all the power into the guy's hands and I say you're looking at it the wrong way it's actually about knowing where you stand and what could be more powerful than knowing where you stand I also really advise against um trying to manipulate your way into getting someone to date you so for example a lot of the times one of my you know people who follow me on social media will write to me and say I I'm dating this guy like I've been dating this guy casually for like four months like why won't he be my boyfriend do you think it's because I slept with him and I'm like you're in the hookup box and why would you want to manipulate someone into dating you like you should want someone who's like that one like it's it's clear for me so I think that you should know where you stand you should sleep with men when you want to because that's the most powerful choice at all you shouldn't withhold sex because you think it's going to manipulate them into wanting to date you you should know where you stand and do what you want that's amazing why do people think that that's putting power in their hands I think that they think I'm saying well the guy decides if you're going to date or not and I'm like on that's exactly what I'm trying to say to do to not to do with my book it's like you decide like do I even like this guy I think women get so trapped in this idea of like does he like me does he like me am I does he want me to be his girlfriend never once thinking like well wait do I want him to be my boyfriend like does he make me feel amazing does he make me feel feel funny like do I think he's good enough for me like they again it's because of scarcity mindset it's not anybody's fault we're told like that there's limited good guys and that you know where our looks are a depreciating asset and all this stuff fed this from when we're little so it's no wonder that we are in some sense fences and I'm speaking from personal experience desperate to just get a boyfriend or thinking through okay if I do this then I think I'm going to get him and then when you do it because you think that you're he's going to put you in the in the love box right or the the relationship box and then I think then if you get surprised by the fact that you weren't in that box now I think a lot of us we beat ourselves up yeah we take everything we take dating I mean obviously we take dating personally it does feel like people are you know judging you but oftentimes in in the early stages you know the per the other person doesn't know you that well so it's like okay you go on three random dates with someone and then they ghost you does it sting absolutely but are they actually making a judgment on your character no they don't really know you they don't know you like your friends and your family do they are just there just didn't get the vibe and they don't have good manners like that's all ghosting is and when you've got I think your own insecurities if you've been let down in the past if you don't feel great about yourself when you put yourself out there and you maybe mistake the box that you're in it can really be detrimental even worse to your self-esteem for sure you can get the I think the worst place to be is in the hookup box and be delusional which I've been so many times it's like I call it hookup box delusion like you're clearly in the hookup box like he does not text you consistently he doesn't remember things about your life he doesn't ask you questions um you know he doesn't he doesn't care to see you except for on the weekends he makes last minute plans he doesn't respect your time but you think like if you just hold on for one more week he's gonna flip all of a sudden turn around and be like you know what now now I'm gonna date you like no that's that's not romantic like I always say do you want to be telling your grandkids like yeah and after a year of stringing me along your grandpa finally like let in and just he was tired and uh then then I got him like that's not what anyone should receive that's that's not like the bare minimum is not enough for anyone and that's why it's so important for everybody but especially women to have good self-esteem because then you don't do that yeah so true and always thinking about what holds people back from trying a game right where we started from the people just giving up that isn't a solution yeah so I really like the book series because I'm so tactical because I can get in my own head with my own emotions and I think a lot of us women can so having tactics like this almost going on the first day and going okay tink's taught me that there's multiple boxes after the first date may be assessing which box like in fact I'd love you to hear which box do I think they've put me in yeah that's a great way to that's a great way to think about it and I mean it's really really simple right because to me if a guy texts you the next morning he's like hey I had a great time are you free Thursday I would love to take you out again that's a good sign you know it's not a Surefire sign that you're in the date box but it's looking pretty good if he waits for three days to text you you're probably not in the date box and that's okay then it's up you to decide am I okay with dating this person casually or am I looking for something more serious and this doesn't suit me you have the power if you know where you stand I love that and now talk to me about the um the Box theory for women towards men reverse box area Okay so reverse box theory is my theory that well it happens to again this is all from personal experience women prematurely put men in the date box so they'll be on a dating app they'll see a guy they'll match they will plan to go on a date before they have even gone on a date with this guy seen what he looks like smelled him heard his laugh blah blah blah they have decided that he is going to be their husband and they put him on a pedestal they stalk his Instagram oh he has one picture with a dog he likes animals like this is amazing he's basically Jane Goodall this is fantastic oh my god he has a picture of his family he's tight with his family oh my God this is you know the man of your dreams I'm planning the wedding and why that is detrimental is because again it puts him on a pedestal so you walk into the date super nervous having constructed a personality for this person who you have never met before uh you feel like you're in a job interview basically which is not what a date is and it causes you to kind of go blind and not really think about how the other person is making you feel because you've already decided in your head you are deaf expert for this person to be your boyfriend even though he's giving you nothing apart from a virtual match on an app and I believe that for women they um men can Bounce from box to box a hundred percent see I've had so many instances where you know my friends will sit down at lunch and say I'm never going on another another date with that guy and six months later their head over heels in love and that's just I look I believe men and women date differently and we think differently about this stuff and I think that that's an amazing thing that you that beautiful thing that women can change their minds and evolve and grow and like guys can evolve for them and it certainly happened to me but the same just isn't true for guys yeah because that's what I was thinking because I've had just you tell your story about how um I believe it was during during covid one of your best male friends you were like starting to see him in a different life yeah and I really do think about what happened um obviously covert being a slightly different situation but I think that there's the safety right so when you have a male friend you can trust them more and yeah women really I think do need trust to orgasm women need trust to be honest and vulnerable and give over especially if they've had a bad past experience yeah so almost like I can understand why the women do it but it is fascinating that we all and I'm just going to speak for myself actually I always project right so I'm like oh they must feel the same right so when you have a male friend sometimes I think you can think the same's gonna happen happen totally I mean I think we've all had you know men and women it's such an interesting question like can they be friends like just platonic friends I think that someone always has like a little bit of a crush in a male female friendship um and that's definitely what happened for me I mean it was covid I was isolating alone and I just started hanging out with my best guy friend a lot more and then all of a sudden I was like man like you're looking kind of good like we should you know start hooking up and um you know things got complicated but happy that we got through it the full stories in the book so you'll have to read all the details but can survive sleeping with your best friend and still be friends afterwards nice that's good to know all right homie I love how freaking tactical you get in your book so I want to get super tactical because again we could like I really want people at home once they leave this interview to say oh my God I want to date again let's do it so okay where do I get I just I've been like asking all my friends where do you get tripped up what holds you back and let's just start from the beginning so you said okay number one be funny yeah I think so I think I'm I think that that's referring to like dating app messages or if you're gonna DM someone like don't DM someone and just be like I don't know something dry like oh my god I've never done this before like ah like I think you're kind of cute whatever just like I think you got to be short witty funny but I'm all about the DM slide like it's worked for me in the past so I was what's the DM slide I think you were totally hit on someone in the DM I think it's it's cute to be like short and sweet and try to find a joke like recently I've been enjoying if you match with someone on a dating app I think it's kind of fun to then go DM them I don't feel like dating apps are that sexy sometimes so it's like if you match with someone you think that they're really cute it's fun to go DM them and be like are you here like I don't know it's fun that's okay so okay so let's even just take that depending on who it is how do you know I mean I guess you don't necessarily know how they're going to perceive it because everybody lives in their own world everyone has like their own frame of reference right so well something like that you're like oh that's really cute and someone else may perceive it as like wow they've come over here yeah and I think growing up is realizing that if someone doesn't receive your message in the way that you and intended it like they probably aren't for you and that's okay right like it's happened to me a bunch of times like you know someone doesn't get my humor or they you know they just don't get it and it's like then they were never gonna be my person anyway like if you don't like sarcasm we're never going to be together and that's okay whereas in my younger years I definitely would have like taken it so personally and beat myself up being like why didn't I send a different message it's like who cares you that was you have to honor your past choices and like where you were in that moment and if that's what you felt like writing and it didn't land that's okay like what's meant for you doesn't miss you I love that okay so you say be funny don't say just yes that's true for all women in all areas of life but we need to take out the word just from our vocabulary like I just wanted to check in I'm checking in about the document you owe me or whatever you know or I'm just feeling a little I'm feeling a little I'm feeling annoyed because you haven't texted me since Friday whatever it is like take out the word just it makes it so so much stronger yeah and all right so now I want to talk about the icklist yes so the icklist is a little tool that I've developed when I'm in the early stages of dating someone you know women get IX and an ick is like a feeling of cringe um that you get it could be something like he bend over he bends over and you see his bum crack and you're just like I got the ick or he holds his Fork really weirdly you get the egg it's not it's not a red flag really big difference it's not like a major personality flaw it's something small that the guy does and you're just kind of like oh like that turned me off a little bit write it down in your phone keep a list some people think it's toxic I don't I don't really care it's I found it to be very helpful and this is helpful for several reasons first of all if you feel yourself getting like like what I call budickety like oh my God obsessed with him like you can't you're overly like obsessed and like freaking out over it you can read the list and it will cool you down you can be like I remember that you know he tripped that time and it was embarrassing and like I remember that and it cools me down secondly if you ever do break up with them you can read it and you can refresh yourself and be like see it's okay it's just a very helpful tool to like humanize them because I think myself included sometimes in the early stages of dating I'm like wow I get so over the top excited and just need to come back down to earth and I love that you just own that oh yeah you gotta own your own your [ __ ] you just I need it sometimes so because I I future trip I get excited I like meet a guy and I'm creating fake scenarios in my head when really he's just like a human man like he's just another human being yeah and we future trip because we just we have a desire of I want to maybe get married start a family and so like is this the person yeah exactly we're just we're rushing everything we want to see you know if it if that's the person and like look the the thing is either they'll be your person in which case relax enjoy you found them or they won't but really all we have is now and that's something that I've worked on a lot lately in therapy and in the past couple years of my life is just like we are only in the present so it's okay to be excited about a guy like by all means that it's the best feeling in the world but you have to drop into like we'll see mentality and just be like I'm excited but we'll see the we'll see mentality I like that okay so let's talk about the people that I'm sure say that sounds really superficial now you're judging them on something small so let me give you a perfect scenario I meet my husband we go on a first date I'm thinking oh my God a future fake right like this person and I'd expect it because I was used to and I was taught that a nice car a nice rims stereo yeah all meant that the guy had a great job you can provide right into being recorded dogs I was brought up to basically have the belief that that's what you should go for yeah and so I mean my husband would go on our first date and we put and pull up and he's got this really old man Buick like a rusty broken down the door doesn't work and then the the back seat is all full of chock-a-block of just like crap and so in my head I guess it's the ickles right in my head I was like oh God oh God oh God yeah but then he opened the car door and I was like oh my God chivalry is alive like I I've never been on one date right so where do you if someone's listening right draw that line of this May hold you back from them realizing he's the guy that opens the car door I think an ick is different than a judgment on someone's belongings I'm gonna be real with you on that and like you know you owned it you I think that's amazing to be able to own your your [ __ ] and whatever but I think for me and icklist isn't like oh he has a small apartment it's like it's like an ick which is like tripping or like he's singing along to a song and gets the words wrong or he like had spinach in his teeth it's like a it's like a cringe like I think that for me I've always found that you've got to just Reserve judgment with stuff and things because you know what it's just stuff and things at the end of the day and they're not like who a person is like I think it's definitely important to manifest like the type of person that you want but I don't think it's helpful when people are like oh I want a guy who's like has exactly brown hair and blue eyes and like is a doctor and like he's from this part of town and like has this and that and it's like well I you know I don't know if that's sort of specificity actually serves us I more think you should manifest and be like I definitely want someone who's like obsessed with their family or I want someone who's really funny or I want someone who like you know makes me feel like this or that like that's kind of I think so important for us to focus on have you dated someone that's made an egg list on you that you know of I don't know but I'm sure I've given everyone I date the ick I mean I I'm very like I kind of like like to be my most like raw version up front you know uh because I think it's like you got to throw guys in the deep end a little bit at least that's what I like to do I'm like you're I tell them all my bad stuff first because then it gets yeah get it gets it out the way so is that because you don't necessarily want to waste any of your time or you're like if he doesn't even know this about me this is something that's so true like what's the reason for that it's I I don't know I think it's like maybe it's a defense mechanism where I'm like I need them to know I'm crazy now um but also I think I think it's just more honest I think I think First Dates I I have a really hard time with small talk so for example for me it's just easier if I open and I'm like I want to talk about like black holes on the first day or like whatever and if they don't go there with me or if they if I ask some weird question and they're just like oh like I want to talk about like what your job is or like where you're from or something I'm just like this is not it's not imagine that's okay you know it's just like you should as much as possible bring your whole self to the date and just be upfront about it because then you'll know sooner like I sometimes think we play this at least I know that when I was younger I would present the best version of me on dates and it's like I said before it's not a job interview with cocktails a date is like a Vibe check it's an energy check so the more you can be your authentic self and see if that matches with their authentic self the more information that you'll have yeah I literally used to do the same and now project and thinking back I think was because I had slow self-esteem yeah I wanted to get the job right right exactly yeah I mean again a lot of us do a lot of us are like like I when I was really young I would like pretend I had one boyfriend in in college and I like fully pretended that I knew about basketball like I fully like pretended I he was like do you want to go watch the game at the sports bar and I was like yes and I like had my friends text me like what to say I was like great shot you know great shot LeBron and he was like yeah totally and um so I but that's also because this was like I think my life is a Netflix movie and I like like doing dumb [ __ ] like that but you've and now I'm just like I'm so honest up front I'm like I am a crazy cat lady like I'm really moody like I I really throw them in I like have them meet my friends like it's on the second date like I'm just very like this is the package and like take it or leave it kind of thing and this is a big part of the book is like I'm really really really excited to fall in love like I love being in love and I and I can't wait to meet my partner but I also am so immensely grateful for the life I have now so I don't need to entertain anything that doesn't feel amazing and that's a great place to be and I want everyone who reads the book to get to that place of like two things can be true at the same time I think sometimes when people you know hear about dating advice about like you know filling up your own Cup first they're like well that person's never going to find anyone that person's not excited to be you know married or whatever that's not true it's like practicing immense gratitude for this moment because like what if I told anyone out there who's single like in a year from now you will be engaged to your dream partner how would you act today you would act happy grateful relaxed spend extra time with your family and friends soak it all in that's how we should all act all the time so that's just yeah how I do it I love that and actually I was thinking because I be the person be put on your best behavior yeah your favorite outfit look the most best you possibly can and on the first day with my husband he's like so believe in God and I love that I was like wow no one's ever asked me that I think that's dope that's like my kind of date question too and then the second one is like oh no I love I love porn do you watch porn yeah and I was like who is this man no totally and it's just like isn't that so and see you still remember it 22 years yeah because it's like I like what it to me it's like dating is kind of like podcasting like when you sit down and the podcaster is like how did you get started on Tick Tock I'm like oh Lord here we [ __ ] it's the same as if you sit down on a date and they're like where are you from and you're for me that's hard for some people they like it they like to warm up like that for me no I'm like going ask me about God asked me about death ask me about my family like let's [ __ ] go because that's that's how you connect that's how I connect at least so if they're not wanting to go there then it I don't know probably not a match what up my homies it's Lisa billyu and I'm so excited to share with you my new mini series exclusively on Spotify releasing all month long during the month of May I'll be talking with entrepreneurs doctors artists therapists thought leaders and anyone else who knows what it takes to find balance in your life the importance of putting yourself first and how to take back your freaking control and your power of your mental and physical health I've partnered with better help for this series to help bring you these inspiring and empowering episodes betterhelp knows how important it is to feel supported not just through mental health awareness month but all year round because let's face it that's what it takes to be a freaking badass and achieve your dreams and the best part it's completely free and it's available exclusively on Spotify search for women of impact on Spotify and visit betterhelp.com impact Theory to get 10 off your first month yeah and that was the moment where I was like wow this guy's actually really different like I've never been asked that but yeah he and in fact the second part to this is he was genuinely in genuinely interested and my answer totally and he really wanted to know what you thought and that's really beautiful yeah so um and so you were in his date box uh well although actually so here actually let's go down this rabbit hole because I was he just got out of a serious relationship and he was like oh my God amazing she legally has to leave the country because I was only here on like a Visa for like two months oh my God yeah so to him actually he's like oh I can just be myself right because even if it doesn't work out it doesn't matter because she has to legally leave the country so if this works out or not so there was actually no pressure right going back to the job analogy this wasn't a career right interview it was like maybe a job for the evening it was an internship um and so in hindsight now we look back and I ask him questions but it was very tricky because I was like I didn't want to sleep with him on the first date because I didn't want to be seen as a certain type of woman certain type of I thought yeah let me just practice I was very young I was 21 years old so I didn't shave my legs because I was like if I don't shave my legs then I know I'm not going to sleep with him and so I almost I had to come up with a strategy because I didn't necessarily trust myself to be not swayed by his Charisma right right right right so you did you sleep with him on the first time no but he asked me to yeah but so actually as I'm where I'm going with this is you talk about [ __ ] boys which I freaking love I actually have an amazing quote of yours amazing once you trap a [ __ ] boy you have to take the Beast home and then you've got a wild animal in your house and while you might feel like a momentary flash of Pride let me tell you it will be short-lived because how you get them is how you lose them never forget that if you have to Wrangle and trick and manipulate a fuckboy into your home that's exactly how he'll leave sneaking out the back door and leaving you bamboozled yeah yeah I think of it it's like a lot a lot of us go through a phase of wanting the validation of trying to change someone again you know I mentioned this before and it's like why like you're not a mommy and you're not a therapist so why are you trying to act like that with a [ __ ] boy you know and so many women get caught in this trap of like they just feel like they're gonna be the one to change him and it's like like when you do that you're elevating this guy to a higher status than you in your own life because you're saying like I'm gonna put all my energy into chasing this guy who doesn't want to be caught again like that's not romantic that's like exhausting and toxic and maturing is realizing like it's cool to have someone like you back and it's cool to have someone who puts an effort and you don't get a prize like if you if you finally trap a [ __ ] boy into dating you like there's no like gold medal at the end it's just like then you have like an anxious relationship that's built on manipulation which is exhausting how do you then start to identify because I don't think of necessarily everybody realizes they've done that I think it's like if you feel like you are genuinely chasing a guy or that you're trying to manipulate him or that there's games I just like I don't think that any solid relationship is based on any of those things like I don't think anyone is like yeah we like played games with each other and tortured each other for six months and then we started dating and then we had a great relationship like that's just of course there's exceptions to the rule but like are you the exception or are you going to be you know the rule and I just again I think that there's better uses of women's time honestly I wish that someone had told me when I was like in my 20s like he doesn't like you and like stop trying to chase him because you're literally just trying to validate Yourself by doing that you don't even like him that much you just want the validation of being like I got him yes I treat so how do you know I guess the small difference is because I've heard you talk about soft ghosting yes so soft ghosting is when um a guy will just kind of like not text you back but like reach out a little bit and just you know maybe respond to your Instagram story maybe send you a text here or there so it's not a full ghost but it's it's pretty much dead bus is a focused which is which is like zero contact yeah I think like you have to not be delusional you know when a guy likes you you can tell like he's texting you he he's finding time to see you he's planning in advance like you know like we've all had a guy like us and conversely when you are wondering it usually means he doesn't like you like if you are wondering if you feel anxious when he's not texting you I always think that that's a great measure of like how this the strength of the connection is like if you feel literally anxious or nauseous when they're not texting you that's not a good sign like every time I've started to date someone and they become my boyfriend I've been like I'm I'm not worried that they're going to text me because I know they will because you know when someone likes you um look I my point of view is that there really is no such thing as a bad texture like if a guy likes you he will find a time to text you unless he's a heart surgeon performing like you know a double tracheotomy whatever I don't know like yeah or he's Barack Obama like he's just not that busy like he's not he just isn't texting you and I bet you Barack is still texting Michelle that's true actually he is the busiest and most amazing in the world and he's definitely still texting Michelle so if he can do it yeah exactly you're a random like dude who's like 24 working in sales can like pick up the phone that's so true it's like you know like we we really do read into a lot we dissect a lot and I think ultimately you know a lot of what you say is like you'll know you know you know it's like we kid ourselves and it's it's I always remind people of like think back to when you were in love or when you were in a great relationship like does what whatever dumb situation chip BS you're going through now does that compare to that and the answer is no and that's okay but like you sitting there being like well he texted me last Thursday so maybe and it's like think back to when you were in love and how it felt so secure and how you felt so seen and so noticed and it's like that's what you deserve so if it's less than that don't worry about it it's just not it do you think women would still take text guys even if they're not interested It's tricky because sometimes women will string along a guy too which is like I mean I'm I'm not I'm not I mean I do think women are perfect but like we're not you know but um I yeah look I think and I've done it too like I I'm happy to say this because I've done it myself where I'm like I don't really like a guy that much but per our conversation before I think maybe it'll grow into me liking him more or maybe I just I'm like needing attention and validation which like that's not nice to use someone for that but we've all been there and it that's why it's so good to be self-aware and do the work so you're like is this just my ego enjoying being stroked and like having this guy take me out and like having someone to text we've all been there it's not like a war crime but it's not the nicest thing to do again I think you just have to be aware yeah because that's what I was thinking it's like again I always want to make sure that I'm thinking both through both sides yeah because yeah of course and so I just don't I can't say and I don't want to be gender specific again but I almost I can only speak for myself I can't see my husband if when he was single worrying about his self-esteem on like if she doesn't text me it means something about me or if I want I need attention because I don't feel good about myself so my husband someone if he wasn't interested totally but I can see where us women me myself if I don't feel good about myself and I get rejected time and time again from a day from guys I was bullied as a kid for my look so I did I do have I did have low self-esteem and someone shows me Interest even if I'm not interested in them I can actually and it's not right and I I I'm glad that you also said that but I can see that I would actually text them as a way to stroke my ego and to feel better about myself totally we've we've all been there and look again I really don't think it's women's faults like from the time we're younger we're told that like like our our image is our whole self-worth and like we need to be pretty and we need to look a certain way to be valid and like the attention of men is what matters most in the world so it it follows that a lot of us sometimes slip into that because we're like I'm not feeling good about myself it does feel good that this person is paying me attention um and that's why it's so important to work actively on your self-esteem and your confidence so that you don't need to do that and you if you don't have any boys texting you you're like you know what I don't have any guys to text but I have a lot of other great stuff going on and I'm pretty great and that's all I need yeah because the reason why I ask is I do have a lot of guy friends who are single and they've given up on dating too and the thing that I hear is that Lisa we don't know when we're getting used or not totally I you know what I think we are really in a pair we're in the midst of a paradigm shift with dating I think that social media I think that apps have made it very stressful very complicated um you know we're talking about this need for validation both ways and it's just me been Amplified so much by social media because and phones right because when we have cell phones now and basically what it means is like we have access to each other 24 hours a day and that has led us to believe that we need to be validated 24 hours a day um you know either with likes on Insta Instagram or Tick Tock whether it's a guy texting us we think it should be like constant and that's really not true for our human brains I think and so you know it is we're in a complicated time yeah because back in the day if a guy really wanted to date you he would either have to get a phone card right go to a phone box to call you you had to be home and I hope to talk to you I mean I'm a bit old now so that's like um but now I mean I've you know I've heard you say like you could go on a date and he may not even be interested and you pick up your phone but you've seen he's watched your stories right and now you've made a story up in your head about him seeing your stories means that he's interested right but it doesn't yeah but it doesn't like when a guy watches her Instagram story like he's probably on the toilet board like it doesn't mean anything like if you if you want to see if you want to see a girl like you have to text her and like it doesn't mean anything like it means he has a phone and he has eyes like that's all it means and I but but it has caused a lot of confusion because it is confusing it's like okay why isn't he texting me back but he watched my story and then you're like have a shred of Hope or whatever and it's like uh it doesn't mean anything so would you then say it all depends on the level of effort like watching a story is super easy you can do it on the toilet yeah I think like if someone likes you they are trying to spend time with you like I think if a guy likes you he will be arranging a time to see you and he will ask multiple times and if he he's not if he's just saying like doing the bare minimum like responding to your story or even if he's sending some like a low ball text like even if he's like what's your plan this weekend like that's not active that's passive it that means like if you're in my general vicinity when I'm drunk maybe we'll hang out like the text you want is hey what are your plans this weekend I was thinking on Sunday we could go to that Thai restaurant that I've mentioned to you and then go see a movie how's four o'clock like that's what everyone deserves and if you think that what I just said is like asking for the moon of moon and stars if you're thinking like oh my God a guy would never do that today you need to adjust your self-worth because that's what everyone deserves like it's really not that big a deal they're just when you plan ahead when a guy asks you out in advance and like plan something like that he's saying like I respect your time and I want to spend time with you would you do that same text to a guy or would you wait for him to do that for you if we were already dating if we'd already gone on a bunch of dates I would absolutely do that what about after the first date I it depends it really depends I mean I think that again I would see what he did you know not not in a passive way but I would just I don't know I would see it because it's like to me it's sexy when a guy takes the initiative and plans and I have a very dominant personality so you know I can sometimes bulldoze people plans everything but I think in the early stages of dating it should be the guy being like Oh yeah I want to see you again how do you then communicate that because again I'm going to the things that everybody tells me behind the scenes where women very much like you I'm the same I'm like no I want him to reach out I want him you know like a powerful woman but I still really want him to in essence Take the Lead um there are guys now that are very worried or petrified about taking the lead because they've actually been pushed down by dominant women right and so now as a dominant woman you may see that as like oh he's not even bothering but sometimes actually he's doing it because he's had a bad experience with another woman where she put him down for doing that yeah I think it's all about like matching where you are like if you want a guy who takes the initiative and he's not for whatever reason it doesn't really matter you guys probably aren't a match right now and timing is important right um so I think it's all like personal preference but for me after I go on a great first date like I want to text the next morning that's like that was a great day when are we doing it again like I don't I don't I'm not going to send that text so I love that and so what's the difference then between someone showing the interest really like you know hitting you up time and time again and love bombing love bombing an example of Love bombing would be like on the first date being like my mom is gonna love you or like on the first date being like well when we get married or like oh my God like we are gonna go to Bali together or something like that someone offer you to buy you a house someone was like I'm gonna build you a house in Santa Barbara and I was like we haven't even met yet you're Tech we were texting it was crazy and I was like this is love like and love bombing is hard because it it makes you feel so good in the moment you're like they want to introduce me to their mom like we're gonna go to Bali together and it's like actions speak louder than words so when you're being loved it's not not always a bad thing it can just mean that someone is very excited but actions speak louder than words because I get a lot of messages and emails and calls from people in my community being like but he said we were gonna meet his mom and I'm like okay that's great I can say I'm a unicorn that doesn't mean I'm a unicorn like you actions speak it louder than words so it's like is he following through with plan is he planning a second date is he listening to the responses like actions always speak louder than words I love that how much do you communicate ahead of time of things so um where I'm going with this question is go the amount of people that talk to me about Lisa I don't know if I should pay for the first date I mean I should pay it for the first day if it's to CIS hat uh man it's a man and a woman says hetero than the man should be paying for the day and so here's the thing I'm of the same thing and one of my close friends she's a badass girl she owns her own business super independent she goes out on a date with this guy and he's um you know they eat dinner goes very well the waiter brings the bill and he basically sits there and looks at her and she looks at him and they he looks at her again she's like no no I'm the type of woman where you pay so she was very great communicating and he literally was like thank God and she was surprised and he goes I just went on a date a week before he went to pay because that's his belief as well and the woman freaked the [ __ ] out and she was like I can pay for my own bill now here's the thing if we can be so honest it's really happening a lot these days and I'm only because I'm not in the dating world I can only speak for other people but this is the thing that I a lot of men are coming to me about and struggling with because they're saying I really want to pay for their first date but I don't know now if a woman's gonna hate me and Shout at me or just be aggressive or think I'm like belittling them if I offer to pay yeah I think that the man should always offer and I I don't know anecdotally on on my radio show and the messages I get it's more the other side of things where men are not offering to pay and they're just saying like venmoing for half and all that sort of bad stuff and look my point of view is until there's equal opportunity for women until women are paid the same amount as men as until we have Fair maternity leave in this country until we have rights to our own bodies in all 50 states until you know there's free period products in school and free contraception for girls and there we are properly educated about our bodies like and until there is absolutely zero uh you know beauty standards that women feel they have to adhere to um I I just am not interested like I don't I don't see the argument like I think women are paid I think it's 82 or 87 cents on the dollar that's white women black women get paid 63 cents on the dollar of every man so I just like I'm until everything is equal I'm really not interested in having the conversation and especially now with what's going on with women's Reproductive Rights like if you if you can't pay like a lot of my followers are younger and like they'll say oh yeah we went you know to have one drink and it's like if you can't even afford one shitty vodka soda for this girl then you probably can't afford the fifty dollars for the plan b or the flight that you'll need to go to a state where she can get a safe abortion if you guys have sex and you have it onto unwanted pregnancy so I took it there I went all the way I don't care your your guy you're paying on the first date thank you you just enlightened me on a lot of [ __ ] that I didn't even think through so if we can take actually a lot of those things um number one guys then want women to venmo them yeah I've had I have probably once a week on my radio show or you know I got emails or DMs a girl will tell me a story of like she goes on a date with a guy I literally had it this week on my radio show a guy who said you want to come on this trip to Miami with with me like I got the this Airbnb come stay with me like we'll go to dinner she went she you know was it didn't really have that good a Time didn't want to sleep with him he took her to dinner and he was like I got dinner like oh my God it made this big deal about it she didn't sleep with him the whole weekend and when and when um they got back he said hey I'm going to Venom on you for half of the Airbnb and dinner okay and the subjects is because you didn't sleep with me and it's like there is still that idea that that's how it works and that's another reason why I just don't care like I I all men should be paying yeah no I I agree but this so that we could play Devil's Advocates again so there's a couple of guys at work for me they're young and they really want to find someone and they're good guys they're I've seen them they offer me the seat there's such a wonderful gentleman how I see again I'm old but his gentleman offer me the seat and they're so sweet so gracious and they're coming to me saying they say I want to pay but I'm so worried that the woman gets insulted by me offering to pay I'm like on the scale of things to be concerned about guys being worried that they're going to offend women when they offer to pay for a date is like low on my scale things to worry about I'm like you know what you guys you know what I worry about like walking to my car safely like us as women we got a lot of worries I think that guys can take this burden of like should we should we not pay maybe elephant was like it's gonna be just yeah just offer if the if the you know one out of ten women gets offended I think they can handle it and to me I feel very firmly on this issue yeah no I again and totally agree I'm just trying to find out where we get tripped up yeah like where were the things where sometimes they don't even mean it but totally but we do we end up speaking completely different languages of course and then when I think about people speaking two different languages like I'm such a like let's come together let's try and figure this out you know and so hearing that I think hopefully my team's listening right um but hopefully that they can just adopt that because I've never really known what to say to them right because I'm like well yeah you should pay like I think that's lovely yeah and don't let maybe some a woman who has been God maybe that you know like almost like it may come from a wound it may come from somewhere else don't let them change who you are right like if you're a gentleman you want to take care of take care of women pay for women however you want to phrase it and it's it's hurting my soul that guys are now considering not doing it right right yeah I mean I think it's like look there's everyone has a million weird date stories and there's always going to be like a mismatch of a person and whatever and I I would just say to all guys out there like it's nice to offer if you get an instance where a woman is really offended you know I think just be like I'm sorry I just wanted to take you out let's split it no worries or whatever and move on you know that's so true it always seems very dramatic yeah okay so I'm going to take a hard right and now I want to talk about something that you call man memorial service funeral yes yes so this is where uh maybe you've been seeing a guy casually you know this is not for a breakup I want to be super clear this is not for like a serious relationship or whatever you've been seeing a guy casually maybe a couple weeks couple months whatever and you can and he goes to he dumps you whatever and you cannot get over it I say to hold a funeral because we waste so much time on people that we're not even dating we spend so much time tripping ourselves up being so upset about you know some guy that we saw for three weeks who wasn't that great he goes he dumps US we're undone by it and it's like why waste precious days weeks months of Our Lives tripping up about it um so you hold a funeral so what you're gonna do is you're going to get yourself some flowers you're going to get yourself a treat maybe a great latte a nice bottle of wine you can even invite your friends over you put on a sad song and you lay him to rest you pretend that he died and you all lay him you say fly high we'll miss you thank you for everything see you on the other side buddy and you're only allowed to feel sad for that day and then the next day you wake up and he's gone it's just a little silly trick that I use sometimes I think you know we lose our goofiness as adults and a lot of my tricks and tips in the books are a little bit goofy they're a little bit Mind Trick because sometimes we need that to shake ourselves out of it and be like okay it's funny to be silly and you know I didn't really date this guy for that long why am I going to Pine over him you know what's the thing that you felt was the silliest but the most um impactful probably the funeral thing I mean I will literally put on Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley light a candle and be like damn crisp peace out homie like you were that was a great two weeks like I'm not gonna think about you anymore you know it's silly but it works and when you wake up the next day like do you really not think about him or is it I'm pretty strict with my mind tricks yeah I think it's like we you know we control our brains and sometimes it doesn't feel that way but you can train your brain it's like it's like a muscle I love what you put in your book um so in in exiting a relationship or someone you've been dating where um you talk about your barometers and you're like we all think about like going on these trips and like oh my God and then you're but you basically say like no no who do you want to drive to CVS with yeah I think it's like so important I mean again this happens a lot with future tripping where we'll be like oh my God like I'm imagining these amazing moments and it's like it's easy to have fun with someone when you're like at a at a theme park like you know drinking wine like obviously that's fine but it's like who do you have fun with sitting on the couch with who do you have fun with doing errands with I think that that's such a great barometer for if you really like someone because you have friends like where being with them even doing the stupidest stuff like going to CBS or like doing a thing at the Apple Store it's so fun with them and that's how your partner should be like you should literally find it so fun to do just Monday gain everyday [ __ ] with them because at the end of the day life is mainly about going to CVS right it's mainly about like returning something to the Apple Store it's like you can't be on a trip to Bali every day and so for me I always know that I really like someone if I have a fun time in the car with them just like driving somewhere I love that because to your point if you're looking for somebody to be with for the rest of your life let's say that's why you're dating because you want to be with somebody you want to find a you know forever partner I'm always thinking about what what was that thing that you want to do or that you you still love in 10 20 years right so like you said you can't go to Bali every week yeah so who do you in fact the like when you're vomiting yeah like does he just like all right let me know when you're done I'm just like hey do you want me to hold your hair back yeah yeah you really know when you're like having a bad day or when you're sick or whatever like I one time was in Tulum with a boyfriend and he was an awful awful mean boyfriend and I got wild food poisoning and he just left me there he just left me in the hotel room all day I was like can you please bring me a Gatorade like find a Gatorade and he did come back with a Gatorade but like eight hours later he was like oh yeah I went to the cenotes and like I had a day and I was like crying like literally just like so sick and I was like this guy does not like me and then I've also had boyfriends who are like you know I've been in my worst shape like just crying or I don't know having a meltdown and they like think it's amazing and they're like rushing in to help me and that's what you really want to look for yeah so if you find someone that rushes in to help you and stuff and you feel like oh my God I'm so in love how do you know where that fine line is like hey you're really in love you want to spend time with them right you want to get to know them you really want to bond with them and then or or you have boyfriend disease boyfriend sickness yes okay so boyfriend sickness is a disease that I discovered um I am sort of like an infectious disease does our daughter I love how you even rank the symptoms by the way in your book yeah so I dabble in that on the side so like you know if you have like a one to three level boyfriend sickness um it's just mild it's just like when you get a new boyfriend you're obsessed with him and like level one boyfriend sickness would be like you just bring him up any chance you get so like you're out with your friends and you're like oh my God you guys we should get the carrots Chad loves carrots or you're like oh my god you watch that show Chad and I love that show or whatever like it's boyfriend because it's fine we've all done it it's a beautiful thing it's like the sneeze so sneeze it's so cute like whatever but it can get to a point where you it gets kind of serious because it's like if you completely stop hanging out with your friends you start changing your personality you know all of a sudden Chad doesn't like when you wear pink and then all of a sudden you don't wear pink anymore even though it was your favorite color and your friends are like wait a second you love wearing pink you love that pink dress why are you changing yourself and it's like and I have had that serious of boyfriend sickness where I like literally changed my personality to try and keep this guy and it's like you shouldn't be changing yourself to try and trap someone or keep them or whatever so it can be really dangerous and it's like you know I believe like even if it is the love of your life and whatever you shouldn't abandon all of your friendships like you shouldn't stop hanging out with your friends and completely like leave them because you're like oh I found him so like I'm done because at the end of the day like I'm an optimist for sure but you don't know what's gonna happen you don't know and like like people get divorced people break up whatever but your friends have been there through with you through thick and thin and you should want to keep them and and hold on to them so even if you are head over heels in love that's fantastic don't forget about your friends do you want actually taking me through so people listening they can really start to identify if they're starting to get very sick and not take in the medicine like for you when you were changing yourself yeah I assume it starts slowly it starts slowly and then all of a sudden you're like canceling plans with your friends like just all the time because they're getting mad at you hanging out with your friends yeah because or are you just like you're worried that if you leave them a lot like you don't want to leave them alone like you think that you have to be around your boyfriend all the time like to maintain the relationship which is obviously like so toxic and unhealthy um you know you you don't you don't like doing the same things that you you did like for me I like I stopped working out and I like love working out because he was like oh like that's stupid you don't need to do that and I was like but I love going to workout classes with my friends like that's you know and and now I look back and I'm like why did I do that and I stopped like doing my like girls Sushi nights with my friends because I was like oh he wants to do this so we have to do that and like or he doesn't like when I wear my hair like this so I'm gonna change it and it's like yes of course being in a relationship is about compromise but I'm talking about like one-sided polls where you know or a good way to know is like if your friends are like hey like are you okay we haven't seen you in a while or like we really miss you like your friends have your best interest at heart and sometimes when you're in in deep like you feel like your friends are attacking you but always remember like your friends want the best for you they've been your friends for a long time they're not trying to like keep your boyfriend from you they are just trying to check that you're okay in that moment why do we perceive it as they're trying to hold me back from this relationship I don't know I think it's like I think it's like a really scary moment when you start to think that you start to question your friends motives it's like why would your friends ever or like your family even sometimes it happens where your family's like hey like you we haven't seen you in a while like you feel like you're changing like and you're like you just are jealous of my relationship and it's like nine times out of ten they're not they're your family they're your friends they want you to be happy and good and I think it's just like defensiveness that comes out yeah like I think identifying do they love me right do they care about me what's their intention because then you start to think well their intention is to hold me back because they hate me and they want me to be miserable okay that's one thing but if you start to piece apart oh okay they're saying this because they love me okay well if they love me why would they say this maybe there's something to it right exactly yeah it's you just have to that's why I again I think it's so important like even from the beginning just like always maintain your relationships with your friends and your family whatever is important to you like keep that it doesn't matter if you feel like oh my God finally I found him that's great but like you don't have to give up your hobbies you don't have to give up your friends you don't have to give up what you're doing what you love because any person who's right for you is going to want you like think about it that way like anyone who loves you is going to want you to have those special friendships relationships Hobbies whatever because they want you to be happy I love that and so in your book you actually break down like the different types of symptoms so you've got one to three yeah is the you're mild like you're just saying like oh my God Chad loves carrots whatever whatever and then in the middle you know it's like more serious like you're canceling on your friends all the time you don't hang out anymore and then in the really serious phase stages it's like you are literally like changing who you are because you think that that's what it takes to keep them yeah I've sadly been there yeah I think a lot of us have yeah and I think not beating ourselves up over having gone there is yeah it's like again we live and we learn yeah so talk to me living learning talk to me about the Heartbreak antidote so you know look if someone could bottle a medicine for heartbreak they'd be the richest person on the planet it your first heartbreak is like by far the worst it's so bad you think you're gonna die you literally can't get out of bed you feel physically sick and and it never gets like easier per se but I think when you've been through one really bad bad breakup you kind of do develop these antibodies because you're like I feel really really bad but I've also felt like this before you know like I've also had this feeling before and you kind of are like wow I remember this similar notion of thinking like I'm never gonna find anyone else and like I'm never gonna be happy again I'm never gonna laugh again and it's like and you did like you did find someone else because you're already in your second breakup or your third or whatever and it's like that's beautiful like that is really amazing so one of the biggest fallacies is that relationships shouldn't be work say or a business but love should just happen after 20 years of being married all stars were being willing to ask and answer hard questions I have a free downloadable PDF for you for a happy successful lasting love click the link below for free access to the most important questions you must ask your partner PDF foreign I I don't think the goal of dating is to like never get your heart broken like that's an unrealistic expectation we're not put on Earth to have like a perfect experience and I mean it look if you meet the love of your life when you're 15 and you marry him and you live both till 90 and like that's it God bless that is [ __ ] beautiful but most of us go through heartbreak a few times and that's okay like that's more than okay how have you not got hard girl because like you even said earlier you're such a like you're an optimist and I think it's so beautiful what is it like what is the things that make up the Optimist in you even when you've been on many dates and had your heart broken so many times I I think that like I love being in love and to me every time I now like when I go through a new breakup I'm like obviously I'm sad but I'm like the shift is like I'm so lucky that I got to spend time with that person and it just because a relationship ends I don't believe it was a failure that's like a big shift that I hope people take away from the book is like if you learn something and you were happy like that's a win you know a relationship is not a failure because it's over it's just like a chapter in your life and you were happy and you spent time with someone so it's kind of like I would rather I would rather have fallen in love and had heartbreak for many times than just like wait till I meet my person and like only fall in love once and never have heartbreak like and I maybe that's controversial but like I feel lucky that I've fallen in love several times and and had to get over it because it's like that's it's beautiful yeah as I was thinking I was like wow you love being in love more than you hate a heartbreak totally yeah it's like that's exactly to me it's like far worth it and it's even when I'm sad I'm kind of like I always tell my community I'm like when you're really really sad over a breakup it's kind of a beautiful thing because it's like you are experiencing a depth of emotion and like you're only that sad because you were that happy like if you were just like this your whole life there's no good without bad like every emotion has an opposite an equal emotion so it's like it's an honor to be able to feel that way I know a lot of us out there are deep feelers and it can be very intense I feel very intensely but it's like I would take that over feeling numb any day Carl oh my God I literally could talk to you forever your book the shift is choco block homie with so many wise important tips um where can people find you where can people find the book The Shift I am at tanks on all platforms I have a radio show it's meetings live and a podcast it's me thanks and we book this shift is out now keep watching to learn how to make sure that you don't let your insecurities affect your dating or relationship life confidence is everything it affects the way we perceive ourselves how we interact with others and definitely shapes our sex life so how on Earth if we're single are we able to gain the confidence in ourselves in order to then put ourselves out there to then date and then be in a relish relationship and then get the confidence in the bedroom okay well first let's just start with being single I think that a lot of people think of single as this this stopover or that I'm just gonna stay single and when I'm single I can't wait to be in a relationship but I really would love to encourage people that when you're single it is such such an excellent time to really get to know yourself get to know what you're into you know what kind of friends you like work on yourself work on your your mental health it's such a great time to go to therapy and think about what do I actually want in a partner what do I want my life to look like you know a lot of us just sort of Desperately are swiping through apps and we're trying to meet somebody but we're not doing the important work that will allow us to make the best decisions going forward we're not going to pick always the best Partners if we're just you know coming from desperation or coming from a place of lack or coming from a place of a deep insecurity that this person is going to complete me I would just like to debunk that whole like you complete me thing when we're looking for someone we think this person is going to fill me up and complete me it's essentially saying I'm a half a person and I'm looking for another half a person and we're going to become whole but I think that that is such a faulty way of thinking to think that we're some way broken and someone's going to fill list so I think the more we can work on just becoming whole ourselves we're more likely to attract a whole person so that's important think about that so the confidence I think you know when I think about confidence I think that so much of it comes from our own limiting beliefs our negative self-talk about ourselves which sometimes it's so we don't even know that we're doing it we believe it's just the universal belief that we are bad we are wrong we are stupid we are unlovable let's say we got a really bad relationship and we have these limiting beliefs and negative self-talk that I am not lovable this person broke up with me maybe someone ghosted you maybe you had abuse there was just a lot of things going on in your past relationships I think it's really important to first heal and do the work and think about what what was it in this relationship that didn't work for me what did it leave me feeling about myself and what are the lessons I can learn because sometimes we're leaving an unhealthy relationship and we think I can't bear to be alone with myself I'm just gonna grab the next person that's interested in me and then we continue to repeat these patterns of dating people who are unavailable and not right for us everyone can kind of relate to you know oh I always date the bad boy I always hate the bad girl and why why why does this keep happening me well it's happening to you because you are making choices that are not coming from a place of of a deeper knowing and and and doing that work so what I say do the work I'm a huge fan of therapy because that's really going to help you kind of break down the the patterns and knowing yourself I think it's okay to kind of think about you know what did I do wrong or what would I like to learn from these relationships it's not that you are a bad person you know sometimes we take these beliefs like I'm bad and I'm not lovable it just means you're with somebody maybe that wasn't the right fit for you maybe there was some you know choices you made along the way there's just a lot of great information that we can learn so I always recommend take some time learn about yourself before you go back out there and date I'm so glad you said that and there was one thing I didn't want to interrupt you but so far because this is the problem that I worry about is if you're with somebody who let's say cheats on you betrays you um there is a at least for me there would be a part that would absolutely my confidence would get knocked because I would think it was about me I would even if I can say well he doesn't know what he has right like we can all kind of try and brush it off but ultimately I think deep down I would worry is this a reflection of me is this a reflection am I pretty enough is my body good enough how do we start to actually then unwind what would you actually recommend if somebody is in a situation where they don't feel good enough then they don't want to look in the mirror right because they just they don't have confidence in their own body we could talk about body confidence for a minute but I mean I just want to go back to the toxic relationship that is a pattern which is important to go to therapy understand the pattern sometimes it comes from our childhood it comes from our parents it comes from you know it's something like those we're attracted to partners that are you know mimic something that we saw in childhood and feel safe and comfortable but it doesn't mean that those are the kind of people that you need to keep continue to choose going forward so body confidence is a whole other thing so here's the thing there's a lot of talk about body love you need to love yourself you need to I just like to get people to like body acceptance or body neutrality it's okay if you're neutral about your body but if you're walking around in a body that all day long you're thinking I hate my body um I don't like the way my thighs look I don't like my breasts it's gonna be really hard to not only attract a partner that is going to also feel good about your body if you're walking around hating on your body but it's going to be really hard to step into your own sexuality to feel sexual to feel like you are deserving of pleasure to feel that you are somebody that um that didn't even knows how to sink into your body and ask for what you want so it starts with I have a few you know tips for people who are suffering around this because we all do we all go through phases of our lifetimes of feeling not great about our bodies so remembering that if if this is you and this this resonates there's one thing and that is the exposure exercise is what we call it it's sort of the mere exercise and this is a practice of taking off your clothes being in your room alone no one's aware no one has to be around and you're actually looking at your body naked you are you're saying that people don't want to look in the mirror I'm asking you to look in the mirror at your body and say what is it that you like about your body that you that you I mean it could be I love my feet my feet allow me to walk walk up these stairs my feet allowed me to move across the city you know my hands my great ears I love these earrings we can all find things on our bodies that we like so that is one of the first practices and some people like oh God I couldn't do that you don't have to strip down naked the first time you can even just start by looking into our into your your own eyes looking into your face we often don't do that we just we don't make eye contact with others and we don't make eye contact with ourselves and so I encourage that I love that you actually even broke that down even further because I that was going to be my follow-up question because sometimes people just like I don't even have the confidence to undress let alone undress and then look at myself in the mirror so having that kind of stepping stone is great yeah um and then just even thinking beyond that like what you were insinuating which is you know if you're not com in fact I actually have a quote this hit the nail on the head hands down men and women say confidence is the sexiest trait in and out of the bedroom amazing so now if we want to be attractive to other people not attracted but attractive to other people making sure that you feel good about your body when you're walking into the bedroom is so important because I even remember when I first started having sex with Tom I was like lights off please like as as low lights as possible and then realizing wow confidence in and of itself is such an attractive trait to somebody that even if you don't feel confident if you can learn to appear confidence so that you start to feel it it then still has the same knock-on effect it does have the same effect it can have the same effect if you think this is what confidence looks like you know kind of like the fake it's how you make it thing but I do think that that can absolutely work but if you think about it if you were walking around and you are not feeling good in your body and you're hating on your body because why so many women who think I'm never in the mood for sex and or my partner doesn't know what I want in the bedroom it's like but if you are constantly like bashing yourself and you have this negative tape going all the time it's all you're going to spring into action when you're supposed to be you know having sex and being in a sexual moment so I think that and that's another thing if you have the like the lights out right that whole lights out in the bedroom is such a that's so common all the time with women though right women but some men too I hear from Matt I hear from all people that we want the lights out and to me that's a sign so if you're thinking I'm not sure how confident I am if you only want the lights out and you're doing the side step backwards to the people I always hear from my friends I remember saying that they'd have sex with somebody and they're like then they get out of bed and they walk backwards into the bathroom after sex because they don't want anyone looking at their bum I know so that's why this movement to exercise or looking in the mirror or moving your body doing dance doing um anything to make you feel more connected to your pelvic floor especially as women we have like these s-curves in our body there's like the pole dancing classes which I used to think those were kind of silly because why would I want to do a striptease for my partner how is that helping me but that it's actually all about women getting confident in their own body so finding a dance class there you're something that's like sensual dance and just moving your body even if it's exercise or swimming or running like being comfortable it being embodied and in your body so that is just a really important like moving it and feeling safe and then also with these Partners feeling comfortable like the confidence comes also from from our bodies comes from communication and talking to our partners about what we actually need and what feels good to us well there's actually one thing that you just said that I didn't want to interrupt you but it was amazing um I felt that when I started to say Tom and I started to sleep with him all my insecurities right like you said everyone has parts of their body that's insecure I actually thought I've got the best strategy I'm gonna tell him that I know that they exist that way he just knows and I don't have to worry about it of course that was the terrible strategy now in hindsight but I really thought that if I tell him babe I know I've got a rib popping out yeah I know this ugly web like I actually thought if I made him aware that I knew it was ugly that he then would be okay with it but what I was doing is just showing him more and more my insecurity and at the time I thought it was a great strategy because I thought it relieves me from the worry that oh my God is he going to notice that I have a sticking out rib well because the concern and so I thought get confident Lisa the confidence means just say it well of course now looking back that wasn't the right strategy the right strategy would have been you need to get confident in that rib before you even sleep with someone or before you even think about it get confident within yourself and then why do I have to mention it if he thinks that this is something bad on me then that's on him and then he's not the right partner but that comes with freaking confidence right that comes with having to over time build that up and I remember thinking in the flip side what I want him to keep coming to me saying to me all the time babe I know that this isn't good and babe I don't I know this part of me isn't great and I know that this bit's getting a bit flabby and I know that oh no oh that wouldn't be attractive like I I would actually rather him fake like hell yeah like I would be attracted to him and I think then the the sexual tension would then give him the confidence um but by pointing it out it's not an attractive now it's not as attractive it's really not I mean we we always say confidence is the most sexiest thing in the bedroom or in a relationship and it really is and so I think that that's such an important Point you're making though because we all have things about ourselves that we don't that aren't our favorite Parts but why don't we lead with what we do like why don't we lead with parts of our body that you know you don't and also I want to say you don't think it completely naked in the bedroom I always encourage this with women especially if there's like a you know something that you feel sexy in I mean there's all this lingerie maybe that works for you maybe it doesn't but maybe you love you know shirts with ties in them you love a tie around your neck or you love an off the shoulder blouse or you love wearing like little skirts or shorts you can leave your clothes out if that's gonna allow you to move and be truly embodied with a partner like do you that is the most confident thing in the world when you show up as someone who knows what she wants so we're talking about that it's like you a lot of women too are also focused on the the the the external part of sex which is how they look and we're in our heads the whole time but when we're our heads worrying about sex the whole time we first of all the blood is washing away from our genitals and it's going to our head and so we're no but we're not we're not we're not aroused it's so true yeah but when we are really and I'm going to say it again embodied which means that you are in your body and you understand your own pleasure on it what feels good now this takes from work on your own whether it's masturbation it's it's communication with your partner outside the bedroom about what feels good when you are truly having more pleasure more orgasms more arousal and you deeply understand your arousal and your turn-ons it sort of Trumps everything else you will no longer be focused on your little ribs your thighs or whatever it is that's bothering you you will be connected you will be you know aroused and turned on and and ready to have sex and I love that but the funny thing is it feels like a chicken in the egg right like ones comes first it's like well the more you're having great sex the more you're orgasm and the more you're masturbating the better and more confident you will feel but if you don't have the confidence to allow yourself to orgasm to masturbate then it doesn't have a knock-on effect exactly that's exactly it and so that's all we have to and also I want people to know that confidence is not a destination yeah confidence is a journey and it is a lifetime Journey it is something that some days you're feeling really confident some days you're not and I wish that I would just love to normalize that process and what really helps me and others I you know I advise is like keeping affirmations that are if you have a negative self tape that's I'm fat I'm not lovable No One's Gonna like me I hate my thighs I have weird vulva you know my labias are strange you have got to it is it is imperative that you have the flip side of that thought I like my body my body gets me from point eight to A to B I am somebody who's who's available and responsible for my own pleasure I deserve you know I deserve to feel good and um all the things all the ways that you you just have to find your your flip side of that your affirmations your you know it helps to have them in your phone or to write them out it is a very powerful practice and it is a it is a process and it is practice but it again it is not a place that you arrive and you are always confident because also our body is always changing our body changes from year to year decade to decade sometimes month to month and if we are reliant I'm feeling 100 confident every time we have sex most of us would just be celibate for the rest of our lives so a lot of that comes from from finding partners that we trust and that we feel you know we make us feel like the best version of ourselves especially if you've been with people who don't make you feel that way you might have a hard time believing that those people actually exist but I promise you they do once you've identified that negative pattern you have of dating people who aren't available who make you feel bad you you it will no longer be interesting to you to date those people but you'll start to feel like how good it feels to be with a person who just who accepts all of you I love that there's two things that are so freaking powerful first of all you saying that um confidence isn't the Final Destination girl I'm so freaking with you I think that we've got so caught up and this is what I need but the way that I actually like to say it is it's the tool you use to get to what you actually want so people think what I actually want is confidence but that's not true what you actually want is confidence to to do what with to feel good in the bedroom to be to be sexually open okay then that's your goal the goal isn't the confidence in and of itself so now instead of getting ourselves all tied up in how do I get to the actual confidence I'd like to kind of schedule that and say okay how do do I now feel good with my partner naked it's a totally different framing right because now it's not a do I have confidence yes or no it's a okay I know what I'm trying to get to now Emily's just are very beautifully articulated that I can look in myself in the mirror first I don't have to get undressed and then I can take my shirt off right then it becomes very tactical then it becomes don't get in your own head about if you have the confidence or not just take the steps and then go now I am working towards you even said it's the journey I'm now working towards getting comfortable with my partner I freaking love that so the second thing I actually remember you saying is about how your body changes yes I think that is so important and the reason why I think it's so important is because for me I plan to be with my husband for the rest of my life my body is going to change I was 21 when I met him that's so do I think I'm gonna be have the same tight ass when I first met him to when I'm married and in my 80s of course not so now I actually do the internal work in my 40s I'm in early 40s I do the work now now so that when I'm 80 I don't feel bad about myself because I know it's coming and instead of being like blindsiding me when I get to 80 that all of a sudden my boobs are hitting my feet you know it's like I'm I've already done the internal works that I can't wait to get there and the biggest thing I do with that and I'm still on my journey but the thing I do was a friend called Lillian Garcia told me that she went on stage big announcement she was like hosting WWE and it was her birthday and she lied about how old she was and somebody pulled her aside and said you either have a choice get old or die and if you're getting older isn't that better than dying so why not celebrate it and that changed everything for me I was like yes now if I get the sun spots if I get the wrinkles right like if I get all the things where I'm like Oh my thighs on is you that you know how they used to be in my 20s I just say but Lisa would you rather that or would you rather be buried in the ground exactly and it just makes it me allowed to settle into my body changing my body growing and the beauty that comes with the age there's so much Beauty and wisdom that comes with aging and I think it's really hard with women too because we sort of glorify like the dad bod or The Silver Fox but for women we're getting older and it's like you know it's just it's not as glorified I can't I wish women were like oh how great that she's getting round in the middle and the hormones we don't talk about any of that and it's so it's it's really more of a struggle and so it's more about how you show up for yourself is how you're going to show up for everyone else and if you feel that this is kind of just a lot maybe here during the exposure exercise and just you know fake it till you make it I I understand that and also in thinking about the conditions do you realize that you were deserving of sexual pleasure that you would love to have an intimate relationship that you deserve to feel good in your body that exploring your sexual health is a lifelong journey and it's crucial for your overall health and wellness so if everything you just said do you want to live a life of pleasure do you want to be connecting with your partner until the your dying day do you want to feel good about yourself do you want to be sexually satisfied if your answer is yes now at least they know what the goal is and what they're trying to get to and now when you suggest guys I know it's going to be hard but look in the mirror and take your shirt off that moment where people may be resistant they can come back to the fact that they answered the question that they do want it exactly Lisa I hope that everyone listening wants it I hope that you feel that pleasure is your Birthright and you all deserve to have pleasure and if the thing that's keeping you from that for so many of us it's our own limiting beliefs it's the negative self-talk and I I deal with that still all the time I mean I I have it in you know in my body or in other places and I just have to stop I mean it really is a practice of saying okay you know I am I have all these things going all these things in my life I have great friends I have a lot of love and my body's amazing and it can do all of these things and and I am my own worst critic we are our own worst enemies if we can also remember that it's just really important to take a step back that your thoughts are not the truth and your thoughts are actually something that is keeping you from living the life that you want and finding the partners you want and confidence in the bedroom or confidence in the boardroom really just starts with you and realizing that you you know again that you deserve it and then you deserve take a time to feel good and what you know and surrounding yourself with people that make you feel good and the other thing I want to say about this too is if you are doing things if you're following people on social media that make you feel bad unfollow those people find people who are more like you find bodies that represent your body type you know surround yourself with sex positive messages and body positive messages it's it's it's unrealistic standards that we see everyone's airbrushed there's so many great accounts that sort of show you that now in social media they're like this is what happened this is how I really look this is how I'm standing I mean we have to remember that that we are holding ourselves up to the unreal unrealistic expectations we have ourselves but also in society that isn't even real and so like where is it coming from like it's it could be that for some people they had a partner maybe one state a partner who shamed them who said oh you know I don't love your breasts or I don't this this thing's out of place your left breast bigger than your right and we carry that on for a lifetime like I have people who call into my show and they're like 20 years ago a woman said something about my penis and now I can't you know I don't even know how I'm never gonna find someone and just again that that was somebody else's belief it's not the truth and what do you want to believe because if you're thinking that we get to program our own thoughts like we are in charge let's program it with the good ones let's program with the thoughts and the beliefs that serve us you know and and and I think just recognizing that that's what it is is your very first step that oh maybe it's not true maybe I am lovable maybe I can't have incredible sex at any at any size you know with anything in my body we are all capable of you know we have a mind our brain's the largest sexual organ but if it's filled with you know crap that's preventing us from having sex it's not going to work so once we can release those messages and go towards our sensuality and desire we better off I love that girl and I think you even said it like so surrounding yourself with body positive people who are open also to talk about sex because I grew up in a house no one spoke about sex ever my mum never walked around naked it was always like from as early as I can remember even boobs were always covered up and so I remember the very first time I went to one of those spa places I was something like 16 and I remember walking in and everyone was nude and I was like so I was like embarrassed I was like looking down putting my hand I was like I can't look at the boobs like I had but it all came from the way that I was brought up the bodies are to be hidden the bodies are not shameful but like actually yeah that probably was like that internal like interpretation that I got so it took me a long time to be okay with it and here's the thing have a friend like you girl like you just say stuff that is so like oh I just listened to your show but you were so open so honest so non um shameful or judgmental about the subjects that even just being amazing friends with you has allowed me to lean into it more and having people around you that can talk about it with no shame that can talk about it with empowerment is beautiful and I think that do you remember Sex in the City yes of course right like the reason why I think that show did so freaking well is because women are now were normalizing the discussions that we've been told are supposed to be shameful that you're not supposed to talk about and that was the first show that said no no no you should be talking about this girlfriends do talk about this and in talking about it it's knowledge it's removing the shame it's removing the embarrassment it's removing the judgment and so being around someone like you who can talk openly is beautiful and that's why I love having you on the show so much because I just want to keep talking about it to normalize it exactly once we start to talk about it you know the more people that you hear talking about it yeah it definitely feels more comfortable talking to your friends talking to your kids I mean it's important to talk to everybody about it sex I mean it's really yeah thank you I shouldn't have so much shame Lisa at all so okay now I want to go back to there was actually one thing you said earlier that I didn't interrupt you but talking about the confidence so like having it within yourself and with a partner but putting yourself out there going on your first date people want to be confident people want to show up as a their true selves and maybe they do but once it starts to get sexual let's say you've even been faking the confidence to get on that first date right you want to go on this first date you really like the person you hear that confidence is sexy they've just watched this episode so they're like right I'm going to go in there really confident even if I have to fake it a bit even if I'm not quite sure of myself I understand it so I'm going to go in at what point do you say now you're kind of Faking it to a partner and you're not showing your true self um and how do you stay confident and at the same time show your vulnerability that sometimes you're not always confident you know I guess it's sort of nuanced because what if you're showing up as confident like how do you define like when you're sitting yourself as confident it's the way that you're walking you're coming in you're talking about things that you love about your life things that are great you know they often say that on our first few dates we show up our representative shows up right that's my point yeah we're showing up as our representative and we are not showing our vulnerabilities we're not talking about the [ __ ] day we had we're not talking about all the things that have gone wrong we're like here's all the things going right and hopefully sooner than later maybe it's a third day maybe it's you know these days I'm just so open with everyone and I'm like well you really want to know what's going on I'm so open about my vulnerabilities because I've found the more that I talk about it that it sort of takes the it takes the um the charge out of it it levels the playing field so people are like oh I really see who you are and then other people feel safe opening up as well so if I'm on a date and I say yeah you know I'm just things are great with work but you know lately I've been struggling trying to figure out you know after this pandemic if I want what kind of relationship I want I haven't really been sure up until now I've been kind of just dating a bunch of people but now I'm actually thinking that I would like to you know get more serious with somebody or whatever your thing is I think telling people the truth about where you're at is also really sexy is also like if you feel that I've just shown up in this really superficial place but but the problem is that so many people don't know that they're even doing it like they don't even think it's okay I think those I mean how do you actually then break that okay so I've done so much work on myself and with others that I just can tell I'm like I've been out with this person three times four times and they've never expressed any concern about anything everything in their life is perfect there's nothing wrong and I happen to know the Human Condition and everybody's going to suffer in some way there's got to be some things that we're all concerned about it doesn't have to be like I don't need you to break down and cry right now I don't need you to tell me about this deep dark secrets of your family but like has everything really been perfect even if your mindset is great and so I guess what I'm saying is I want to know that you're real something maybe you got a parking ticket today and it sucks like I'm not saying you to talk about your childhood trauma but I just don't believe that everything is perfect for everybody all the time in fact I know it's not and and I get that a lot of us are conditioned to sort of always show the best part of yourself and that's how we were raised in our homes we were told that don't talk about anything negative and I just think that the world really really as is sort of changing right now especially with social media and people being really real and honest about their struggles but I've just come to expect that with people so I think I try to share something hopefully they'll share something and to me that is Humanity that's knowing that you're sitting across from a real person but that's a practice I think with friends you know with your family with someone you're dating so I think that's how you know if you feel like do I really know this person because let me tell you if you think this person's your everything and they're perfect and clearly we're getting married and they they check off every box on my list it's like it it's just not it's just not reality that someone's going to be perfect I think you have to strike Perfection I'm trying to find the perfect partner from your language because that person doesn't exist so you often say you know you marry someone or you commit to somebody and you have to understand like sometimes people say you're choosing somebody who whose difficulties you can work with whose challenges you can work with so I just think that the sooner you can get to the truth about who that person is the better I love that answer because that is such a like a self-assessment right that's a okay what do I want from someone I want someone to be super real with me and then after X amount of days am I sensing that are they not I love that um and then also one other thing as you were talking is the like the jealousy angle like there was a part especially before I had built the confidence within me to think about all the women Tom slept with before me and how am I gonna measure up and am I gonna be as good and then like that stress and you know everything so again like the confidence part is such a strong thing when it comes to every aspect I love that you brought up confidence in the bedroom it has to do with Partners I get this all the time my show dude people are so worried that they are not as um they're not as experienced as their partner so that means they're going to be terrible lover that means that they concert think all the people their partner stuck with they have the conversation which I say never have this conversation the body count conversation or it used to be how many people you slept with never have the discussion at all not ever have the discussion ever people will have it in their 20s hopefully they're not having it all the time sometimes you lose count but still you should never have this conversation because we are setting ourselves up for failure and so my thing is that like because you're thinking oh they've slept with too many people so they're really you know they're there's they're [ __ ] well usually women get judged harsher than men yeah but they're they're super [ __ ] or they're they've more experienced I do oh they haven't had enough so that means they're not going to be able to bring it in the bedroom but you can't judge how good someone's going to be in the bedroom by how many people they've slept with you know I've eaten a lot of meal like I'm not a chef by any way [Laughter] what do we think it matters is it out of um almost comparison comparison yeah and comparison is what the thief of Joy it really is I mean comparison is a thief of joy and this is just a way that you know you're going to compare when you get that information so if if I think that we just have to remember that to kind of finish the point here is that just because someone's had a lot of partners because I think that there's a lot of people listening and watching this or going yeah I'd be worried about that forever because I probably get asked this question every week and several times that every time you're with a new partner you have the opportunity to become a the a great lover because all you have to do is pay attention get curious slow down oh I see that you know this partner's she's reacting to my kisses on her neck or he looks like he's pulling moving towards me not away from me so all the information we need with a new sexual partner is right there in the moment it's not about you know the experience of having all these Partners it's going to dictate your ability to have a successful sexual relationship with someone yeah because that's one thing that I hear a lot in relationships is you know um the ex it's always you know usually acts listen they're the ex for a reason they're not with their ex and I mean think about it like again to use a meal example I've had some great meals but like every time I have I go out and I have a steak I'm not like oh I really wish this was that steak I had two years ago that was the it was medium rare um this one just medium well I mean we just don't do that and I think that we think since sex is not talked about enough we put out a pedestal for even our partners who might not even be they're not even thinking that way so blow their mind in by being folk by being present blow their mind by being you know by being attentive by being open and by being confident in your own body by doing your own work and so if you won't do the exposure exercise or you don't even want to look at the mirror then at least become your greatest lover first understand your body what feels good to you what what turns you on what are your desires what are your fantasies what are your deal breakers because instead of going out with someone thinking you know are they do they like me are they going to like me how about do you like them I'd like to reverse that right now because we often think like I don't know if they like me or they need to call me but did you like them did you actually like them was it a good sexual experience was it a good dinner that you had with them a good date and and again that goes back to our own insecurities I want to be liked I want to be liked and we forget do I actually like this person oh my God I love that you said that because it wasn't until I met Tom that I was like oh yeah yeah it can be pleasured you know with my ex-boyfriends it was always you know oh my God are they satisfied are they satisfied I never asked myself if I were satisfied until I met Tom and he asked me and I'm like isn't it crazy that he asked me before I asked myself this is why you're with him for 20 years it's very rare I mean that's this is what I encourage all the time is that women I'm going to say women it is true we are often raised that sex is performative and that we are supposed to perform to please our partners it's all about what our partner wants and if they had six if they felt good and our partners had pleasure then it was a good it was a good sex session because I please them and that's what we think experience means I know how to please a partner but the truth is it's about do we know ourselves so if you could take anything from this like the conference is going to come from knowing yourself what do you want what feels good to you and if you don't know that's fine too you could even tell your partner you know I'm on a journey right now trying to figure out my own body I feel for many years I was all please be my partner but do you want to learn with me should we do some mutual pleasure sessions should we have a night that's about my pleasure at night that's about your pleasure and I just think being really honest about where you're at is because I find that the partners that you actually want to be with they want to please you they're like a Tom bail you they're gonna say what feels good to you and I get it I had people ask me that and I I would I would say before I did this work Everything feels good I know everything you're doing is great because I I didn't know that first off I didn't know the answer of what I never thought about what felt good to me didn't know what to say and I actually didn't think they wanted to know I didn't think it was okay I just for so many reasons I just said everything is good and also I didn't know what to what to suggest otherwise because even if it didn't feel good I didn't know to say oh actually I like a little softer touch why I want you to slow down a bit let's go back to the kissing that felt really good I didn't think it was okay I mean I'm confident because I know myself now and isn't that what confidence is about it is so true and then the next step even when you're knowing is to be able to then tell them because as you were talking I was like remembering how like when I was first with Tom I was too embarrassed to just tell him even though he was super open and so I was like maybe if my noises give him a hint but it's like free why am I hinting like now I look back and I'm like I didn't have the confidence to just sit with him or let him know hey I love this and so you know being like okay well if I'm silent maybe he gets the point that this isn't interesting and then maybe if I just make a lot of noise when he does one thing then hopefully he gets the hint that I'm liking it well that's actually really great I mean that's actually what I advise people all the time if you want to start start with making noises start breathing if your breath quickens I mean here's a way to know if your partner is turned on is her breath quickening you know is her face flushing is she moving towards you or is she moving away from you I mean there's all these you know a lot of what we say is non-verbal so that's part of it so you were on the right track but the confidence also comes well how clear you're doing a lot right with him here but the conference also comes from the ability to talk about it outside the bedroom and not have these conversations in the moment because that can be hard too and just saying this is really hard for me I don't often talk about these things and but I just know that it's going to be you know how we're really going to connect and be the best lovers to each other so let's talk about our turn-ons let's talk about what feels good and then it becomes a joint it becomes a something that you're sharing with your partner like you're both deeply invested in in having a healthy sex life when you're with partners that you think don't care or don't know or you can't have these conversations then you are going to be you're it's going to be really hard to build that confidence if you don't know what your partner's thinking and you don't know your own body it's a lot harder find the partners that are invested in pleasure that have a growth mindset around sex and pleasure those are the ones you want to be with and how do you like insert a moments because again I'm just projecting my own sexual experience um that you don't think it's about you like there are certain times when you're with someone where you're like oh my God you know like they know me or you know you've been with them for a while but like something isn't just quite right like at least for me I go to blaming myself first for instance your guy can't get hard oh it's for me it's me I can't I'm so glad you're bringing this up Lisa she he can't get hard she can't have an orgasm it's all my fault um it's so not true and I just want you to know that that it's that your partner's ability to be aroused really has very little to do with with you as a lover and and it could do with testosterone hormones stress stress is the biggest killer of our sex drive the number one if you have any stress in your life it's going to impact your ability to you know stay hard get hurt I have a friend who was married for 20 years and for the first time her husband wasn't able to stay hard and she called me and she's like what's going on is he having an affair I'm like he's in his 40s now like loss of testosterone happens to everyone she was just like shocked because we so quickly we take the blame and it's just again it comes from talking about sex more having accurate sex information and and asking our partner simply saying what do you think is going on there like I noticed that you weren't as hard as usual you didn't keep your erection is there anything you know I I'm so here for you I just want to know what do you think's going on and and then see what they have to say and do you think that if you can't have that conversation then maybe your relationship isn't what it needs to be in the first place yes I well this is not going to be it this is most people are not having these conversations I'm fully aware but I do know that couples who have talked about their sex life consistently and in a healthy way are more likely to have satisfying sex their relationships last longer and there's more pleasure all around but I know this is not I mean I've been working on this a long time I hope that people walk away from this thinking oh yeah I realize that I've never talked about this and and it might be again to give you confidence just it's okay to say to your partner this is really hard for me too I realize we've never talked about this but I really think that we could be the best lovers to each other if we could learn to get over our shame because usually it's shame and it's fear of rejection or just fear all around which is false evidence appearing real remember that and once you remember that you're like okay I'm gonna get through this because it's so worth it I mean think of everything else we do in our lives we get past fear right public speaking or taking a new job or all the things we do but let's get over the fear in our sex life and the fear of even having conversations about our sex life because your partner not organizing orgasming doesn't mean that she I'm talking about a lot of heterosexual relationships right now but yeah sure if your partner can of an orgasm I guarantee you it's not because anything's wrong with your penis maybe she's never had one maybe she doesn't know her own body you know there's just so many things so I think before we go Inward and start to beat ourselves up just have a conversation have a healthy conversation and remember to be open and to be curious and to be non-judgmental and to be an active listener you know that's that's what's really important I love that so much and that was one thing actually that um I remind myself because if you've been in a relationship so I I'm hoping that this episode ends up really impacting people in different areas of their lives like depending on if they're just starting to date or if they've been in a relationship for a long time and then I was starting to think for myself that when you get in a relationship for a long time you do end up getting comfortable and then if things change like you said with your caller you go into panic mode because you think you know everything right and so because you're my good friend and because like you know I'm very comfortable talking about sex and you know I've been with Tom for a long time I'm talking you know got comfortable talking to him I was able to turn to him like six months ago and basically like babe you know you don't really crack onto me you know you don't grab my ass as much as you used to and he's like babe I'm in my 40s I met you when I was in my early 20s he's like if it's not going to be you know it's not going to be the same and I swear to God girl immediately I was like oh yeah you're right and I could have my mind I could have spun like am I not giving him enough attention anymore am I spending too much time on the business am I not dressing sexy anymore do I not make an effort like I haven't shaved my legs in three days is that making a difference like I could have 100 have gotten in my own head about it really and you just asked him and he's like I'm just not thinking about your ass looks great you're like great move about move about the cabin I mean we just we do we just we just trip ourselves out and we have to stop and that is the practice of just I mean to me it just comes from the pause from meditation from slowing down and before I before I catch myself and before anyone catches their stuff going off on this trip asking the question what's the truth we're so used to beating ourselves up and finding that we are the you know we're the problem click here right now to hear why this relationship expert thinks you should stay single loneliness is just a reflection of honesty like when you feel lonely it's because you you haven't found a connection that is true to you and therefore you feel lonely in effect so when I think about that within the context of life and people

Channel: Lisa Bilyeu

Views: 238,311

Keywords: women of impact, woman of impact, lisa bilyeu, tom bilyeu, impact theory, quest nutrition, motivation, inspiration

Id: VIHh3EeBnmY

Length: 102min 49sec (6169 seconds)

Published: Mon May 22 2023