How To End Any Argument Using Empathy

yay has been doing interviews recently and they have not all gone well hey hey bro I ain't finished I ain't finished my sentence it's not uncommon for someone to get frustrated in a disagreement what's rare is for you to argue with someone and have them walk away liking you more but that's exactly what happened in the conversation between yay and Lex Friedman so in today's video we'll break down that conversation to show you eight tips to change someone's mind and have them love you for it first let's start with two common mistakes you have to avoid if you want to be persuasive here's a quick example of mistake number one now tell me this have you seen the the Candace Owens BLM documentary I have watched uh some of that documentary but here's what I would say to you when you watch that video of George Floyd no it's not a butt it's not it's that yay clearly wants to say something about that documentary that question was a tee up when you transition away from a topic without first listening to what the other person wants to say it can make them feel like you don't value their thoughts the ultimate form of this is mistake number two cutting someone off this is what starts the conflict almost every heated argument starts when you stop listening or empathizing with the other person so if you want to disagree with someone without it turning into a fight the first step is to listen deeply and make the other person feel hurt Lex does this in a very overt way do you think I would trust anybody at this point in my life yeah it's tough it's tough it's tough I hear you I hear you three powerful words especially when someone is sharing a negative feeling for more complex ideas a great way to make someone feel heard is with positive paraphrasing repeat back what they've said accurately in a way they'll agree with when you've allowed people to be in your life that shouldn't be there and then they do the thing you knew they were gonna do and you're screaming at them but you really need to scream at yourself yeah so you realize anything that's like anger or frustration that's something that's wrong with you that needs to be dealt with yes making someone feel heard is an important part of any conversation so now let's get into how to command respect specifically in a disagreement here's a quick example where yay says something Lex disagrees with a Jewish friend of mine said Oh Come go visit the Holocaust Museum and my response was let's visit our Holocaust Museum Planned Parenthood the first step when you want to disagree is to use a calm slow voice with all due respect I grew up in the Soviet Union I'm Jewish parts of my family perished in the in the Holocaust of Nazi Germany I have to push back how your argument is received is not just about what you say but how you say it specifically your speed and volume listen to these next two clips who would you rather argue with yay or Lex or why don't you Empower yourself and don't need them and do it yourself that's why they take a few steps back to go you ain't got the answers man you only got the answers you ain't got to answer you you ain't got the answer sway the most dangerous place for a black person in America is in their mother's stomach 900 to a million abortions in the United States a year I hear you but there's something about the rape the torture the murderer this advice is most useful when something triggers you if you feel yourself getting angry let that be your cue to pause take a breath and use a calm slow voice for example a few days before the conversation with Lex yay tweeted when I wake up I'm going death Con 3 on Jewish people then throughout the conversation yay has been talking about the evils of the media and he insists on calling it The Jewish media this frustrates Lex but listen to how he responds don't say Jewish media and Jewish Jewish controlled media JM do you like man you saw you sound like it it sounds too much like 1930s Nazi Germany that last clip has another great habit if you're going to criticize criticize specific behavior listen here for another example and when you say Jewish media it's funny how this world works that way when you say Jewish media there's a large number of people that are hurting and have anger and even have hate in their heart when they hear when they hear Jewish media they start that hate Stars being directed towards the Jewish people Lexa doesn't call you a racist or anti-semitic he criticizes the specific actions he didn't like if you want to persuade someone you have to avoid the far too common mistake of negatively labeling the entire person imagine how you would feel to be peers in these next clips no you're a liar you're pressing the agenda you're being a Karen when you label the entire person as bad they're likely to dig in and become hard to persuade if someone already seems Duggan there is something you can do to help them become more receptive to new ideas when you agree with them tell them that's beautiful that's beautiful it's well put it's really well put I agree Edgar most people make a common mistake they keep their positive thoughts to themselves and say their negative thoughts out loud sharing when you agree helps build rapport as you'll see in this next clip it's also a great way to diffuse anger for context just so the clip makes sense yea previously said he doesn't like BLM and thinks the organization used George Floyd's death for their own benefit you should find people in your life you can trust don't tell me what I should do I'm not one of your BLM Marchers listen I'm with you on the BLM a lot of organizations use tragedy and uh and I watched the Candace Owens documentary and what it what was your take on it now sometimes you truly struggle to agree with anything the other person is saying but no matter what your disagreement is you can almost always express empathy for example Lex hates what yay said about Jewish people but he can still Express empathy for how hard things must be for yay right now because of that tweet and notice how this improves yay's mood you're under a lot of attack a lot of attack by a lot of people you have a vision and you're trying to feel your way through it and you might get destroyed for it that's the human uh that's the risk you take It's a Wonderful Life though expressing empathy is a great way to strengthen your connection to someone even in an argument it can also help that person extend empathy back to you and seeing things from each other's perspective is often all it takes to transform a heated argument into a calm collaboration this is especially powerful when you combine it with another habit be vulnerable when you feel a negative emotion let's look at an example where yay says something potentially upsetting to Lex because I hope I'm somebody you can trust I don't [ __ ] trust you in Lex's position most people would get angry or defensive instead Lex and yay talk for a few more minutes and then Lex says this but I gotta tell you I have to be honest um I don't this is silly because you don't know me but it hurt when you say you don't trust me you kind of lost me honest vulnerability is rare and very likely to make the other person respect you more it also helps build trust because you're sharing something that most people would try to hide in this particular conversation it actually helps you guys see himself trusting Lex one day it's like I could be turning my thing from a potential World Vision to a code or I could be opening up conversations with new friends that I may trust someday if you do everything we've covered so far it's likely you'll form strong connections even during disagreements and with that connection you'll often see the other person try to use humor to take little breaks in the argument a little way to say hey we may be arguing but I don't hate you for it when you feel it's appropriate try to accept these playful breaks for example this next clip is a bit of an awkward Force joke but you can see yay loves that Lex played along people just in general they love me so much I'm like actually a hard guy to really hate for a long period of time it's just because like because of like my huge [ __ ] and that's what I noticed I didn't I didn't understand why he showed it to me when we first met but now I understand yeah it's very nice congratulations yay also tried to joke with Piers but pierce steamrolled it so they went right back to arguing no I said answer my question no I'm interviewing you too well you got it to be amazed my interview your Bono I'm interviewing you too see that's the way we wrap it let me just you guys no no let me just let me just put this so no no no no no no no you're trying to you the last habit we'll cover today is arguably the strongest thing in this entire video if you want to influence someone give them a reputation they like and will want to live up to both piers and Lex want to guide yay to the same conclusion you shouldn't vilify an entire group because of the actions of a few people yay argues with them both that he shouldn't have to apologize for hurting Jewish people because he himself is hurt and no one has apologized to him have you felt my pain yet you haven't felt my pain I don't have to feel your pain because I also have pain too that's not being recognized Now watch how Piers responds to yay's pain it does not make yay apologetic that doesn't change the fact that when you insult the Jewish people and say going Jessica on 3 on the Jewish people that is as racist as anything you say you've been through and any pain that you've experienced it's the same thing racism is racism and you know that I think don't you yeah obviously that's why I said it peers is right but when you're in an argument just being logically correct won't often change how someone feels that's a common misconception people have being correct is not the same as being persuasive now listen to how Lex responds to yea's pain a great man still through the pain does the right thing Lex knows that yay wants to be a great man so he gives him this reputation to live up to as somebody cares for you and hopefully can be a friend yay I gotta say these words and the words about Jews is not the words of a samurai of a great man here's a different example from later in the conversation instead of simply saying you shouldn't be hateful Lex again describes yay in a way yay likely wants to live up to you have the skill and the capacity to really add love to the world and I hope you do that but I can tell you're a man that has love in his heart and I hear that I hear it through the words explicitly and implicitly and I I think if we're to engineer a better future the way to do that is with love this is what finally persuades yea to give a heartfelt apology so before God what I would do is start off as a samurai and say I'm sorry for hurting you as a Jewish person I'm sorry for the way that made you feel and I'm sorry for the entire uh population of a race that I feel is actually my brothers at the end they reach an agreement that we can hopefully all agree with we want to live in a world filled with love not hate as Lex said if we're to engineer a better future the way to do it is with love so to that end Charlie and I have donated 250 000 from Charisma command to charity water because we want to live in a world where we all love and take care of each other through charity water every forty dollars donated get someone access to clean water for 10 years yes for the amount of money that some people spend on food in one day you can give someone clean water for 10 years who otherwise wouldn't have it whether you join it or not please know that we couldn't have made our donation without you however you support our Channel whether it's watching our videos or joining Charisma University you are the reason that over 6 000 people will have access to clean water so thank you for helping us make the world a better place if you feel inspired to help even more you can go to charitywater.org Charisma to donate even a one dollar donation makes a difference it helps get people clean water and it shows the world that there are good people who care about each other thanks for watching and I'll see you in the next video

Channel: Charisma on Command

Views: 903,041

Keywords: charisma on command, charismaoncommand, coc, charlie houpert, charisma, how to command respect, how to gain respect, how to handle conflict, psychological tricks, kanye west, kanye west interview, ye, ye interview, kanye west lex podcast, kanye west lex fridman, lex fridman, lex fridman kanye west, ye lex fridman, how to command respect in an argument, how to command respect during conflict, how to argue with someone who won't listen

Id: To5pNgLSyjQ

Length: 11min 21sec (681 seconds)

Published: Mon Nov 14 2022