It's time to dive into another Netflix
teen rom-com. Because you guys seem to really like it when I cover these. And
YouTube seems to really like it when I cover these. And nothing makes me feel
more of an alpha male than tearing into a piece of media of which I'm not even
remotely the target demographic. So let's do this. In case you were wondering, I'm
wearing this hat because I have a rather nasty spot on my face, and I thought I'd
save you all the horrors. For I am merciful. Also, if you're going to be
criticizing a teen movie, it's not really a good look. This one's been recommended
to me a whole bunch of times, including by my own sister, although she liked
Sierra Burgess Is A Loser, so what does she know. So as ever, my expectations were
extremely low, but I'm not gonna lie, having watched it, I was a bit
disappointed. It of course stars Noah Centineo, who seems to be in most of
these awful teen rom-coms because without him they lose 97% of their
audience. This time he's a senior year high school student - because they're
always senior year high school students - who creates an app to help raise money
for college. What a loser! Everybody knows that all
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back to the video. It's not as bad as Sierra Burgess or The Kissing Booth, in
the sense that it doesn't reach the levels of a lazy ripoff of classic
literature awkwardly forced into a modern setting - thanks to the 5,000
people who pointed that out to me in the comments - or of a 15 year old's original
story on Wattpad. That's a pretty low bar to beat to be fair. But while it's
not as bad as either of those, it's so derivative and cliched that it's really
boring and even for people who like this sort of film, it's a complete waste of
time. But I still managed to find enough things to complain about and take the
piss out of in order to justify this video. And the ad revenue. It begins with
our hero doing his college application for Yale, making sure to do all the usual
pretentious bulls-t you have to do in these applications. "I invoke this lesson daily
in my current profession purveyor of THE culinary arts!" But he
gets called out on this and told that he needs to do something actually
interesting to distinguish himself. Because he really wants to get into Yale
for some reason. Aside from Yale being in the Ivy League and therefore prestigious,
it's not explained why he wants to go THERE in particular. Sierra Burgess wanted
to get into Stanford because that's where her dad went, but he wants to go to
Yale... because? If you're going to make this the driving motivation for the plot,
maybe give us something more specific. When he gets home, we're introduced to
his father, who looks like Louis C.K but with more cholesterol and depression. I'm
just hoping they don't take the similarities too far. I mean... there are
kids watching. Louie wants him to go to UConn where he works so he wouldn't have
to pay fees, but Noah's got his heart set on Yale. "UConn is like the girl down the
street who eats food in bed and smells like it."
"Pattie Munchrath?" "I love Pattie, she's fantastic, but she's not Yale." Ouch! What
the f-k, man?! That's so mean! "Yeah, Dad!" "Your University's s-t! And your s-t! And I hate
you! And I wish you were dead! And I'm glad Mom left you!" Now I understand why
he eats so much. Noah goes to his job at a royalty-free version of Subway, an
experience which will no doubt come in handy for the actor's future career
after he turns 25. He tells his friend about how his dad is a loser and how his
mum ran away but he's fine with it because he doesn't like this town either.
This guy's a f-king dreamboat, Am i right? A douche comes in and moans about having
to take his cousin to a dance because he'd much rather be pounding some pussy,
and since this isn't Alabama, he can't do both. Noah says that he'll take her in
exchange for the money the douche would have been paid for the task and for the
chance to drive the flashy car the douche teased him with earlier. He can't
resist the possibility of getting his dick moist so he agrees. "You're getting
paid to take a girl on a date." "So? Did you know that Michelle Obama got paid to go
on a date with Barack and look how great that turned out?" "Is that true?" "I don't
know how I'm not a presidential historian, but it could be true, and that is my point!"
Wha-what was your point there? What was your point?! He goes to his date's house to
pick her up and she's a real treat. "Ah, good evening, I'm-" "Reese's bitch?" "Celia!" "Relax!
He knows, I'm kidding, right slim?" I get what they're going for here.
Sierra Burgess was meant to be relatable to girls who are *coughs*
bubbly. Elle was meant to appeal to plain ordinary girls who think they deserve to
get with the hottest guy at school despite being plain and ordinary. And
Celia is the "I'm-not-like-other-girls" kinda girl. The type who claims to be
unique because she looks like she was dressed by a blind octopus and thinks
she's clever and independent because she acts like a total bitch. "Aww, that's cute,
but I can open my own doors." It's meant to be a stark contrast to Noah's
efforts to fake being the perfect gentleman for their date, when what she
really appreciates is honesty. Do you think they're gonna end up together? There you go! Saved you 90 minutes. She's
so unique and special that she'd rather spend hours by herself at a cafe
bookstore, which does sound a former high school dance to be fair, but he insists
on taking her to the dance. He does his best to make it fun for her
while she does her best to keep being miserable. During an awkward slow dance,
he catches a glimpse of Shelby, the popular hot girl he wants to use as a
status symbol and a dick sheath. And yes, she DOES turn out to be a stuck-up c-t,
because this is a teen movie. While thinking with his smaller head,
he makes Celia twist her ankle. Because of this, he can't go to Shelby's
after-party, and then just to rub it in, Celia cockblocks him even harder. "What
do you say there Brooksie, my boyfriend, my protector, my forever love? Should we
get the hell moving?" "I mean, a baby in a gas mask? Urgh, street
art is a public disservice." "Hey, don't you diss my boy Wanksy! That
guy's a f-king hero!" "Trash Bug? He's just some bored, privileged white dude, I know it."
And you're not? She then admits that she made up the
injury to get out of the dance. This is who he's going to end up with? Oookay... Based
on the night's experience, he decides to make this pay date idea into a real
moneymaker. What was it about the thoroughly unpleasant time you've just
had that made you want to keep doing this? Oh right, the money. The thing is, he's poor, and he hates the fact that he's
poor. And he wants to do everything in his power to not be poor. Which is where
the app comes in. He decides to sell himself to women for dates, plus-one
occasions, whatever they need, and he will be whatever they want him to be. In other
words, the perfect date. He's a prostitute. Basically. That is, in essence, what he's
doing. Prostitution, but without the mess. "That's all in the past, cuz you're a hooker now."
"What, no I'm not, -I'm." "I guess that makes me your pimp. A high-tech pimp but a pimp
nonetheless." He gets his friend, who's a coding genius, to make the app through
which he'll sell his services and he plans to use the money to pay his way
through Yale. His dad tells him he got a place at UConn, but again he's like: "No,
Dad, I'm not staying poor, F-k you!" Cue a montage of him going on dates, pretending
to be a whole bunch of personalities, depending on what the women need. "Well,
this morning, I did see a very large man walking a very very time dog."
"Oh my god, I love it what that happens!" "Me too!" Yes, this is exactly what women love:
being lied to. Celia calls him to offer a bitchy
apology then to ask for his help with a crush. She wants him to go as her date to
a party at Shelby's house in order to make her crush jealous. Just gonna get
real for a second. Ladies: don't do this. We hate it when you do stuff like this.
And Noah knows this, so he tries to get her to just go up and talk to him.
"I like music." "And records." "Me too. I mean, vinyl's the only
pure delivery method, right?" "Yeah! Y-yeah, I'm always saying that!" Which partly serves as an excuse to get away and talk to Shelby, who's only interested in him because
he's pretending to be rich. Now, I ain't saying that she a gold digger. But she
ain't messing with no broke ni- In gratitude for his help in getting her
a date with the disc jockey, Celia promises to get her dad, who knows the
president of Yale, to help Noah get in. Teaching kids that it's all about the
nepotism. Harsh, but true. Then we get what was definitely the highlight of the film
for me: he pretends to be a douche. "I see some of the finest bitches in
the world every damn day, and pops, I gotta tell you with the utmost respect,
your daughter she has gotta be one of the finest bitches I have ever seen in my
entire life, and I've been to the Westminster Dog Show, okay!" Okay I'll give
them that one - that was pretty funny. Thanks to Celia's connections, he gets an
interview with the Dean of Yale. Which he bulls-ts his way through by pretending to
be a... beekeeper? "Well, I used to be all about the Russian bees, but then I found
that their 'swarminess' tended to be a little too uh..." "Unpredictable." "Unpredictable,
that's right! That's right! So now I'm a Buckfast man all the way." He could have
just told him about the app. I'm pretty sure that's more interesting. But in his
mind, it's worth lying in order to get in. With all that money, he should have just
paid his way in, like any decent deserving candidate. Celia criticizes
him for trying to lie his way in, but he's like: "Yeah, but you're lying to get
into this guy's pants." She can't handle the truth and storms off. During the
awkward car ride home, she admits that the reason she's mean and pushes people
away is because she's too scared to show people who she really is. WHAT A F-KING SHOCKER. The app gets pretty much entirely forgotten about during this
middle third of the film, and coincidentally, this was also when I
started to get really bored. Noah's friend starts acting like a whiny
little bitch because he's not spending as much time with him as he did before,
even going so far as to quit his job at discount Subway and call him a selfish
prick. This despite this friend knowing exactly what he's been doing and that
he's been doing it to raise money to go to the University of his dreams. And he
built the app for him, for f-k's sake! Why is he now getting upset?! Celia goes
on her date with the disc jockey, still pretending that Noah is her boyfriend,
which she needed to bother doing because he turns out to be the street artist she
took the piss out of earlier. And he's a wee bit pretentious. "Y'know how I did like
baby in a gas mask and then I did like an old man in the gas man?" "Oh, yeah."
"Now I am working on something that is going to blow those away. A cat in a gas mask. It's a
commentary on itself and on Dr. Seuss, I mean: cats don't wear
hats!" What did you expect from a guy who's that into vinyl? She still insists
to Noah that they have their fake breakup in public, so he goes through
with it but goes through with it a bit too hard, gets a bit too personal and
makes her cry. Well, you know what they say: 'Go hard or go home.' He's too oblivious to
realize the damage he's just done and now he's free to pursue hot bitch, so
he's all good. And he does not waste any time, the f-king man-whore. But then he
goes on a date with hot bitch, who turns out to be very judgmental and
high-maintenance. Naturally. She finds out about the app because the girl he helped
with dating practice earlier is at the dance they go to. And she is not happy
about him lying in order to impress her. Or about him being poor. He tries his
luck with Celia, but because she doesn't want to be anybody's sloppy seconds, and
because we got another 20 minutes to fill, she says no. He reconciles with his
dad and they have a conversation about finding out who you really are. Get it?
Because he's been pretending to be other people in order to make money? Just trust me, guys: it's profound. It's profound guys, just trust me. He also makes up with his friend, after his friend
stops being a whingy turd. He meets Celia for coffee and tells her
he stopped using the app. But he's keeping the money... I guess?
He says he wants her to review his application for Yale but then he reveals
that he's going to UConn instead because "the true Yale he was searching for was
inside of him all along." *Laughs* Nah! But it could be true, and that is my point.
He's realized that if he had to lie to get into somewhere, he probably doesn't
belong there. But he lied to her to get her to be there, so he's not really
learned anything. He leaves her to read the letter and it turns out to be an
application for entry to her vagina. I'm only half joking. He admits that he's
been a bit of a douche, pretending to be other people in order to achieve his
goal of not being poor and ordinary but the only times he felt like he was truly
being himself was when he was with her. *A loud wet explosion* They reconcile and she takes him to the
Subway ripoff that they've decorated to look like a formal. Just to rub in the
fact that he's still poor. His friend is going to the same University as him and
the gay romance subplot - which was also a thing, by the way - worked out quite nicely
for him. Question is: which one's the sub, and which one's... the sub-sub? I am so sorry! They make out and dance. Badly. And the film ends. Finally. So yeah, it's not
awful, but it's nothing special either. This kind of bog-standard Netflix teen
romance is such low-hanging fruit that I almost felt guilty about making fun of
it. Although having said that, the film does have its good points. The banter is
endearing and fairly well-written. The gay romance subplot is a perfect example
of how to do diversity, in that it's treated no differently from a straight
romance and they never make a big deal of it. And the film has enough
self-awareness to make jokes about Noah essentially being a hooker and about
there being so many parties and dances at this one high school. In sum, it's
perfect for a Netflix and chill night, in the sense that forcing yourself to sit
through it for the sake of your partner is worth at least a handjob. Thanks for watching, folks. Big shout out
to all of my lovely supporters on Patreon. If you like my videos and want
to support my channel more directly, consider becoming a patron yourself.
Subscribe for more content, be sure to follow me on stuff for updates, and feel
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Thanks again folks, and I'll see you next time.
Nice video man you’re rom com reviews are my favourite congrats on the sponsor
Nice video and congrats on a sponsor! I wonder why they push Noah Centineo so much. The guy is not even that handsome just plain looking. And his acting is also not really good. He reminds me of that one guy in every drama class that gets all the tradionally masculine parts and gets pushed just bc hes the only traditionally masculine guy in class...
omg u got a sponsor. nice.