The Origins of Codependency. "Human Doings" Because of Narcissistic Parents. Expert

so now I want to talk about the origins of codependency I want to talk to you about where codependency comes from and why um it happens because it's not a coincidence it can be related to specific a specific time in a person's life that is very clear to me and very distinct but to understand this I have to I have to set up a couple explanations Patient First first of all codependency and the emotional manipulator disorders are rooted in childhood codependents come from families in which there is an emotional manipulator and sometimes there's a mental illness there's abuse there could be drugs there can be trauma there could be all sorts of really damaging um damaging backdrop to their childhood but to every codependent I promise you there is an emotional manipulator parent now now I want you to think now I want you to think whether it's yourself or it's on one of your clients think of a couple codependence now think about their parent do they have an emotional manipulator parent they always do because codependency can be traced back to the child's um um first five years of life how they coped with the narcissism of the emotional manipulator so let's first set up why what does an emotional manipulator expect when they have children oh emotional manipulators have like all narcissists this idea that a child is going to be there for them the child's going to make them feel good about themselves the child is going to heal their own childhood wounds they're going to finally make them feel good about themselves they're going to justify their own paths and their own mistakes they're going to write the wrongs of Their Own childhood they're going to love this child like they were never loved this child has so much expectation placed on him or her this child becomes the literal extension of self to the to the to the narcissist or the emotional manipulator the child is not loved unconditionally because emotional manipulators cannot love unconditionally this child is loved when he or she makes the emotional manipulator feel good about themselves so this child ends up becoming and um the extension of self the the gift for the emotional manipulator now for us who are not emotional manipulators we know children are Gift gifts because they are who they are they're just perfect when they're born now some are more challenging than others that is true but to the emotional manipulator that this child is going to make them feel really good yes actually I'm going to stop you is it it let me that there there is a I'm sorry this is my fault because I should have said this there's a flow to the next 20 minutes and and so and and I'll build up to that and then a lot and then hold on to your question and then I'll and then ask me at the end of it because a lot of information is about to come up and and and your question actually go it's a good question just just hang tight to it and then I have a question that I have to answer I got a question from my the someone from the internet that I want to answer to so the child is born with expectations the child is going is is a gift of sorts to this emotional manipulator the child that can make the emotional manipulator feel good about themselves gets love gets attention gets adoration so this child who can figure out how to adapt how to make their parent feel good about themselves is a child who Alice Miller calls in her book the drama of the gifted child the gift is the trophy or is what I call the pleasing child because the emm will neglect or abuse a child that doesn't conform to their needs that does not make them feel good about themselves but the child that can that can figure out a way to make their parent feel good about themselves gets the attention that they need which is going to delineate the two paths for the children one is um to uh as the abused neglected child it's going to become the emot future emotional manipulator which we will talk about after lunch and the child who's going to learn to be this pleasing child the gift child the trophy child please emm want to care for their child their children they feel whole and competent when their child um seems to need them or want them they are motivated to taking care of their child's needs because it think about the narcissist it makes them feel good and of course in in return they love this child and to an outsider we know it's conditional love because we know that if the child should somehow react negatively or start to say no or start to behave in ways that embarrass emotional manipulator that love that that child was showered changes and goes away successful adaptation requires a child to learn the conditions to respond quickly and accurately to the demands um and the cues of of the emotional manipulator Ellis Miller who wrote the book The Drama of the gift the child had profound influence over me it was there are so many people who influenced my idea and my theories and I try to give them all credit but in her book she postulated that we therapists become the way that we are because we were born to parents who were narcissists and we learned early on to adapt to make the parent feel good about themselves doing so set up set in MO set up in motion our approach to life that we get love and attention when we make other people happy um it is true that as early in infancy a child can knows what's going on outside of him or herself and can adapt to the personality of their parent this child learns to respond quickly and accurately to this narcissist accuser demands to develop a radar to detect the Em's moods to be hypervigilant to be able to predict the Em's moods to avoid their tra triggers at all costs or rage because doing so staves off neglect abuse and abandonment and Garners them this conditional love so coping creates codependency skills to learn how to be the pleasing child to be a superb actor to pretending to be happy when not to be ex to become experts at delaying their own needs for gratification to control to suppress to sublimate their emotions because anger and sadness can trigger the emotional manipulator which can cause a narcissist injury that can result in danger or harm to the child this child has so much at stake to maintain the identity of the fantasy child Persona because she gets the attention and she also notices whether she's six months old or four years old and when people say no to the narcissist bad things happen and they're terrified and they learned to mold their personality in a way to make that narcissist happy they comply with unnatural expectations they learn to be calm when frightened happy when angry lovable in unlovable situations the very seeds of codependency are being planted by this child's ability to adapt to the emotional manipulator they blend into their environment they're like milons they they sense what they need to be and they become that person to get the love and attention that they need and to keep from becoming the object of anger or embarrassment this child who's going to eventually become codependent grows up with what I call premature maturity they develop self-esteem around their abilities to be the caretaker for adults and children to remain calm in a crisis to reflexively sacrifice to listen when wanting to talk to controlling their own risky emotions and responses to behave as an adult before their time they sacrifice or have to sacrifice their childhood to make emm happy the psychological Damage Done to these children is severe and profound as a child gets older the child um the child parents the emm there's a role reversal early on this child is rewarded with their caretaking nature it's as if the child um has a relationship with their parent where they learn to manage their parents emotions because they learned that's how they stay um from their parents' wrath depression this child learns to bolster their parents' confidence as a way to get the love that they need this child might even um strive for early Independence become an adolescent not because they were raised with that as a as a as an ideal but but be but just like Billy frett to take care of their parent who can't take care of them they become expert listeners patient forgiving compassionate they're the trophy child they become the kid that provides the emm with bragging rights so we talk about the emotional manipulator's relationship with the codep the child who's going to be codependent it's unhealthy it's unshed and we know about sexual incest which is of course in this case a parent who cannot meet their sexual needs with an adult partner will turn to their child and to meet their sexual needs um and cause grave trauma and psychological damage but not really think about the child's um safety because they're all about their own needs and we know stories about that but emotional incest can be as bad the the the emotional manipulator that needs the child to make them feel good relies on this child to meet their emotional needs a powerless child who doesn't have boundaries see the narcissist cannot have is unable to have emotional relationships with adults because we know that they're unable and so they might um they might always be fighting and arguing or in conflict with other people but they'll turn to this powerless child to make themselves feel good about themselves to meet to meet their own needs this child becomes their best friend in a way their pseudo spouse this is hugely damaging and we call this um emotional ancest where the child sacrifices her own feelings of safety her own reality of needing to take someone to take care of her needs or his needs in order to take care of the adult it's a roll reversal um that has profound consequences in their psychological development so the results then um is is this person this child grows up into an adult who loves those who love them conditionally who is selfish and selfless in relationships who's reflexively others oriented who denies their own needs who feel safe and familiar with selfish and self-centered people who rescues people from their feelings who's proud and determined with their selflessness who bends reality with ease they believe in such statements as selflessness and sacrifice or virtues happiness and personal safety requires sacrifice a good person doesn't require much it's selfish to ask for what you want it's needy to ask what you want or self-reliance is an asset this perfect child becomes a perfect spouse the perfect friend the person who stuffs their feelings or the expert Pretender or the great [Music] Pretender Pretender pretending that I'm doing well my need is such I pretend too much I'm lonely but no one can tell oh yes I'm the great I drift in a world of my own I play the game to my real shame you've left me to dream all alone too real is this feeling of Make Believe too real when I feel what my heart can't conceal oh yes I the great Pretender is laughing and gay like a clown I seem to be what I am not you see I'm wearing my heart like a crown too real when I feel what my heart can't conceal today I am going to ruin two or three songs for you this song used to be this song that I used to listen to my mom loved 50s music and it was a wonderful Melody and tune and one day I actually listened to the lyrics and I said oh my gosh this is a song written by a codependent and what a song of personal sacrifice and pain so this child who is born to an emotional manipulator that learns to adapt by pleasing learn um becomes an adult who accepts conditional love who justifies their actions through distorted beliefs who sees good in abusive or harmful people who mistakes abuse or neglect for love who justifies abuse by distorting the meanings of loyalty and commitment and historical values

Channel: Ross Rosenberg

Views: 260,326

Keywords: codependency expert, ross rosenberg, signs of emotional abuse, narcissistic abuse, attachment trauma, codependency in relationships, am i codependent, symptoms of codependency, codependency, codependent, what is codependency, healing codependency, childhood trauma, codependency recovery, codependent no more, codependency cure, emotional abuse, codependent definition, self-love deficit disorder, self help, root cause of codependency, narcissistic parents, dysfunctional family

Id: qkIP4ThAlME

Length: 14min 37sec (877 seconds)

Published: Wed Sep 11 2013