The Official Podcast #111 With Gus Johnson

[Music] so one thing kick us off when was the last time you didn't ensure of Jackson I was just about to say that Jackson a long time hello everyone welcome to this week's episode of the official podcast this Jackson that's me we've also got Andrew Charlie and Kaia those are the regular guys that you've heard every single week and joined with us this week is Gus Johnson how's it going man introduce yourself hey it's going well I'm Gus Johnson that's what they need to know that's wicked pedia page yeah just reading the script before we even started this show Gus just flew out of the gate saying yeah things are going terribly it's uh it's really bad over here Gus I would love for you to elaborate now that we are hot and live on the internet I think 2019 off on a real sour note like our new year's resolution was a make the podcast more somber let's get into it baby well I spent the whole day at the [ __ ] Hospital we my girlfriend I went in and somebody had some digestive stuff going on it was me so then that's what was my date today no have to do any invasive procedures like stick the tubes of your own no they have to do I've I've never had a procedure done where it like someone had to like go up there and like root around at all - I know it's gonna come but like I've gotten pretty lucky I haven't even had to do like stool sample [ __ ] no pun intended before but like I've gotten off scot-free you wouldn't know this is my first time no I was just like abdominal [ __ ] I thought I was like like clogged up or something but I I might have like pulled a weird muscle in my abs or something from not working out and then go into like zero to 100 all the time you know it takes a toll on you yeah so wait you you kind of like have these long pauses between you actually do workouts and stuff yeah like I don't really work out as much I'm 23 now in high school like I used to like run cross-country and play like basketball and stuff too but now like I don't do [ __ ] at then I forget that like I don't have a young spry athletic body anymore so then I'll like start rolling on a video and just like go [ __ ] balls to the wall and then just be ailing for days afterwards I feel that man actually interestingly enough just had something very similar to you I thought I got like a [ __ ] Pindus itis but it turns out it was just the muscular thing really [ __ ] [ __ ] scary yeah it sucks now I got a workout you know from just ab crunching too hard 1 2 in shape I don't know what mine was from hopefully nothing too bad but yeah I had something super similar to that luckily also no tubes in my [ __ ] either so we're in the same boat there is the science settled on that yet is the appendicitis the appendix is it's useless or what's up with that general as a doctor I'm pretty sure the appendix is fully useless being that you can get it entirely removed with no illest appointment no isn't the notice of the pancreas no is the the only thing the appendix is there to do is [ __ ] in your body like a time bomb and sometimes burst is your failsafe in case you don't at some point I read a an article that said that the appendix the appendix is it's housing a bunch of black bacteria that are helpful to you so I didn't know if it was conclusively useless and worthless or what it is I thought and I'm going cure Lee off memory from college I thought the appendix was pretty much like the gallbladder during your development stage in the womb so it was like training wheels for forming your gallbladder but I can't quite remember I could be totally wrong that's a boring ass [ __ ] again yeah it [ __ ] sucks man like I said that's on the bottom of my tier list for smash ultimate of the origins it's [ __ ] awful I almost want to just rip it out as a matter of principle I always think about that like if if I do have to go in like when I had a like my ear tube taken out when I was a child because I had like a little ear tube - is it I told you about that and they circumcised me when I got it done it's completely always remember babies coming out with their big ear tubes and you just gotta you gotta take care of a mother young like I said it's only a hypothesis we talked about this on the podcast before I remember I used to put my dick tip like deep into my foreskin and kind of make it like a pin whistle a penny whistle excuse me that's fun but then after I had you tubes in when I was doing that which was a surgical procedure because I couldn't hear [ __ ] when I was a kid but then I had my ears started to develop better so then I needed to get the air tubes taken out which was another surgical procedure and then after that I couldn't do that with my penis head anymore that's that's what I'm remembering so I'm assuming that when they put me under my parents just told them to circumcise me as well and what I wish they would have done also is take out like the appendix the tonsils [ __ ] that you can definitely be without there so yeah that's a great question how far can you optimize a human being like what what can you do how many pounds can you lose how much faster and more sleep can you get by just cutting [ __ ] out could probably just ditch all the bone marrow not a lot what's that [ __ ] do anyway like story fascist doubt remember the human Kendall and the human Barbie and they look absolutely atrocious because they have silicone abs and silicone pecs and they look completely like these weird creatures that's not optimized in the right direction that's optimized for with a trying for appearance or whatever I think Andrews talking about like can you make the perfect human being by removing the ice yeah kinda like get rid of all the flaws like let's say let's say I wanted to go to a doctor and go look man appendix gone tonsils gone and wisdom teeth get him out of there like any anything you don't typically that's use or need how many pounds could I lose how how much higher could I jump you know what I mean that's not how much of that's not optimizing the person as much as it is getting this bang for your buck and the operation like they did Charlie were they thought I put them on there anyway so might as well fix all of this so hey we're gonna fix your bad knee but I see you also want a gender reassignment surgery so we're gonna put some silicone tit Sanya and fix those wisdom teeth don't worry about it we'll fix everything take your appendix out and then you wake up a completely new person they tell you all that you said - it's like oh I think that while I was under they just took like they don't just slit you from head to toe and be like all right guys what's [ __ ] up in here let's just pull this it would be amazing I'm glad that you have to consent to every single little tiny bits down to the smallest detail or this her parents do fewer underage because imagine if you were under on the operating table and the doctor goes well this guy's coughing maybe you should remove his tonsils in his vocal cords - yeah it would be best for him he's been complaining about knee problems let's amputate them that doctor and morph like a mad scientist who ya doin crime against humanity Mike if you just if you're nipping every [ __ ] problem in the bud though you just take the knees out and then like don't really run but you don't get knee problems I think I think the problem is that most people have empathy and if you were a doctor you would just start coding I'm gonna start chopping away until laws say I can't yeah but you would have those people still frequenting that doctor you guys remember oh for sure first Bioshock where you would have that whole chapter about the one doctor who would [ __ ] you just say that yeah what's this yeah doctor was like the second chapter and he was like a plastic surgeon who eventually started making monster men yeah it's it's a fun game but you just know study it's been Erica somebody would do that so he would go to that guy and say hey make me into the Hulk and he wakes up as a [ __ ] Gollum like creature with his legs missing it had happened dr. lamb that was dr. lancer Steinman dr. leigh if Steinman wait then who's dr. lamb because I remember dr. lamb was a girl Angela D who controlled the Little Sisters wasn't that her oh yeah she was the big villain in the second one it will remove okay never I flipped it you're right you're right either either way the [ __ ] doctor man who would yes slash up all the later point is the Bioshock universe takes place at least the first two or three ones take place in this city that's based on iron rants idea that capitalism is just fully ramp and snow buddy gets there is no regulation so if a doctor wants to chop off your dick during an operation for your toe he can and I think people would do it why not I'm honestly a lot happier is if someone told me they'd be snipping my Winky Dink when I was a child I'd probably say no but since they did it at that point in time I'm not I don't you guys know me I'm not afraid of going into controversial places in saying you know I'll try things but I don't think male circumcision is that bad I know there is a whole debate it's you know it's being called the second genocide and all that but I think a circumcised dick kinda looks nice it looks better I have no place to put I'm glad my parents made I I don't I don't know how I feel about it but I'm glad that my parents did it to me like but then again I don't know the other side of the coin you know I'm not what I don't know it's like it was it harder to clean and stuff is there gunk in there I don't know but I'm just glad with what I got it just I don't like the arguments that people make were oh it's your parents making a very important decision for you yeah that's what a parent does they pick your name they pick where you go to school they pick what you get to eat they pick literally everything until you're 18 years old all right it's not exactly this one-off situation where they decide how your dicks gonna look yeah but this is the the argument actually is your parents are making a very significant choice to mutilate your genitals when you when you factor that in the question might becomes defined in very scientific well if your parents wanted to call you [ __ ] that's your name you can legally get your names you can legally get your name changed you can't legally grow your you can there's this thing where apparently some people are pulling on their foreskin enough to where it grows back that's like people who are short stroking their arms real high up and thinking they get taller it's not the same it's more like people who are really short breaking their legs and then gaining an inch or two it kind of works sometimes actly yeah what it works is that really that it works I mean you break your legs you gain an inch why not that's a whole different thing too because everyone every male is born with a foreskin not every man is born it's not that big of a deal to me I don't like it when people compared to female circumcision where they literally cut off the clitoris it's not exactly the same thing when you take a little bit of skin compared to taking the woman's basically the whole thing that makes her have any fun during sex it seems a little more extreme I don't think the two are very comparable say [ __ ] short people to that by the way thesis Andrew did I know this count before I met Charlie I linked him the master since the dick show he had on a guy who underwent the leg lengthening procedure oh yeah yeah the guy called in apparently he he went to Thailand or one of those countries and he underwent a surgery and he's happy about it perky's legs yeah yeah apparently what they do is they put like they break your leg bones and then they put braces on your leg bones so you have to adjust them to make your leg bones longer so when they heal back there's more I don't know how to like the the scar tissue I suppose fills in the gaps in a way and at the end of it your legs are a little longer an inch or two in the sky gained like two or three inches and he said you know I was miserable during and I even contemplated suicide but you know now a year or two later it was totally worth it and I I don't know I mean this guy knows that there are platform shoes right yeah also knows there's a thing called self confidence right yeah I mean does it make you taller you can tell your person to say Andrew as a 7-foot man let me get on one knee here so we can speak at the end of the day it's all body self confidence issues there's all sorts of everything with that I mean whatever is if he's happy with it that's fantastic that's great but there's plenty of people out there who are short and they don't need to undergo that yet still have a good happy life this is like a Greek Adonis toking down yeah look if you'll excuse me guys I have some cereal on the top shelf and I would love to just right now Andrew does everyone just look like Kevin Hart to you I don't see color I only see size yeah I didn't know this is a multi-million dollar earning comedic actor well hold on a second boys hold on let's back up a second I think we might have a secret shorty amongst us how tall are you Gus it's to tell in the videos oh I am actually 6 foot 1 choice I made that childhood and you should have made that choice - Gus I'm just stretching out right here in the over six are you glad that you also broke your legs at a young age they asked me do you want to be circumcised or taller and I had to think it over real quick see I actually just transferred my snipped foreskin to the heels and it gave me a couple of inches really bad that - sometimes I think about that when they like reconstruct burn victims as faces and they say like oh we're gonna take this skin from your buttocks and graft it onto your face like you're gonna walk well with ass faces are really much better than acid face the only one I know is like when they do a tendon repair sometimes they'll take tendons from like the weirdest spots on the body like I'm surprising I like reaching into the [ __ ] butthole and pulling little pieces out there very odd are the douchebag stragglers of the body where like you work out your muscles are evolving you're taking a protein you're eating healthy but your tendons are like that I'm gonna be a weak little [ __ ] you did a little push-up on a awkward angle well enjoy golfer's elbow for two months that's all things tendons like you said another metaphor for that is like when the whole class kind of collectively realizes that the teacher forgot to give homework until the very end and the tendon just goes and then it just [ __ ] it up for all the other climbing you're like I'm in decent shape and I've been practicing rock climbing in this thing I can do it and then you you use one finger ever so slightly wrong and hey look now you can't do this well let me tell that story with the time we all went rock climbing and I was feeling my heartbeat in my eyeballs and passing out almost like episode I had no idea what the hell happened so for those who might not know we met up at some point in Tampa because this is this so long ago no I realized some people don't know about this matter I knew a little sense that Tampa accent by the way yeah you can write retirement never let me out they just raised me indoors and they made me watch I don't know German videos all day so we we go climbing and I have I have a great time I love climbing everybody else is having fun we I had to do this one hour sign up for this [ __ ] Club and then I had to do like a 15 minute tutorial with this kid giving me instructions on things that I'm not gonna use anyway like I'm gonna climb up two feet am I gonna fall on my ass man it's like let's skip this come on but it's procedure I had to do it so they day is great but I kind of overdid it right my tendons hurts but I'm too stupid to realize that ah you know my tendons are being a [ __ ] I get a rest a month before I continue working out as hard as I did so during that week where my arms kinda sorta hurts I had to just I liked going down on in Charlie's house and I just liked you know working out while everybody was sleeping still I was waiting like a little child for everybody to get up so I could play with them like an anxious dog or something and then we went climbing again and that second time we went climbing my tendons just I don't know what the [ __ ] happened it hurts so much that's it was a kind of pain I've never felt in my life before and my head started spinning I started feeling my heartbeat in my head everything started going lighter and I'm sort of embarrassed like God I don't be a [ __ ] don't pass out here don't tell people why do like tell people that you're about to pass so you will come on tough it out but I couldn't to like go next to sit down next to Charlie in town like dude I can you keep an eye on me in case in case I like pass out while I'm on my feet and hit my head on a table or something you take me home and at that point chose like what the [ __ ] and we ended our climbing session there I think it was just I don't know if Jackson was there oh yeah okay you sure I thought you and cure me and Drew and Charlie and I think Tiana was out doing something so I she walked I told the guys I am I can't here because something happens for I sat down next to Charlie and I'm about to tell him that I'm a [ __ ] basically right I'm about to tell him like hey man I'm about to puke and pass a kid can you make sure nobody date rapes me and then all of a sudden I lose hearing in my left ear and two seconds later I lose hearing my right ear and I'm looking at him and I'm like grinning ear to ear because I don't know what the and like what is this alright you're kind of excited because this is a new experience like you're excited to be losing your mortal coil yeah I know that feeling that excited is the wrong word but like whoa what the [ __ ] like this is I'm a little bit nervous here but I couldn't hear Charlie I told him like I can't hear you right now Charlie's smiling and looking at me and mount mumbling something I'm not sure what the [ __ ] he see I don't know if he's telling you to man up and keep climbing I don't know if he's saying that he's worried about me I don't know I just know that I hear nothing it feels like I'm underwater and dizzy and the guys you know they call it off I take off the climbing shoes we get in the car I'm hogging this bottle of water with both of my hands and I'm shaking trying to guide it to my mouth like I'm docking a space station to a rocket or something [Laughter] I really thought I was gonna pass out at that point it was really really weird honor I do think it was because of the tendon pain because my tendons they hurt like hell on both arms I know it's called there's two two versions of it there's golfer's elbow and there's tennis elbow I'm not I forget which one I had but I had one of the two and it was really really bad it hurts like hell and I knew I had to back off immediately I couldn't keep climbing and that's why I always say chi as a [ __ ] yeah what's the what's the worst pain you felt go what's the worst dream that I felt I whoa oh dude I remember this was the stupidest I was gonna ask you earlier what's the stupidest injury you've ever had and I remember I was about six years old and I had this like cool plastic tube that were he could shoot foam darts like you know like the Indiana Jones guys that poisoned darts and [ __ ] so I just was had it in my mouth and I went down the slide outside my house and my feet jammed up and I face-planted in this plastic tube that was like an inch in diameter cut the back of my throat like a perfect circle cut right on like my uvula and [ __ ] and it was just unbearable like it hurt to breathe for like three days and I could only eat like ice cream and oatmeal for like four weeks oh no that's your fault for mentioning old me I just I just anything but ice cream it hurts I should have done that to the guys when I was at the climbing gym like Charlie I need ice cream we were gonna eat cockroaches remember what they were out or something crickets crickets chips yeah no I was saying hey if you guys want to eat the cricket chips I'll have some cricket chips somebody bitched out I don't know who but I was down to eat him that was when you died [Laughter] yeah you're calling me up but it's trills just you know my world is spinning I'm sitting there like ah don't be a man suck it up don't tell don't tell don't show weakness it just it's like a hangover suck it up but I couldn't say were just too too [ __ ] weird ya ever eaten like bugs and stuff at all yeah and someone sent me like well I remember my little brother when he was a kid he used to like sit by the heating vent in our kitchen and pick dead ladybugs out and just like eat him like crazy which I didn't get but like a year ago somebody sent me a bunch of like cheddar cheese flavored mealworms you know those little like larvae looking things like just dried out and I tried them and honestly like if I if I was blindfolded I would just think it was like a shitty chip or something it was not bad I think that's kind of the case for most of that [ __ ] like a cockroach milk and all that [ __ ] that's coming out I bet that tastes just like the counterpart but maybe yeah worse difference but yeah what tastes like almond milk maybe I don't know but I wouldn't I wouldn't mind too much it's just a word cockroach is I wish I had the same I wish I had the same level of inhibition I did when I was a child where I would just dip salt sticks into little ants and that's hard ah that's how I would eat my like a [ __ ] uh like an orangutan just put it down the anthill and slurp whatever explain used to do I mean he's he's from Turkey that's like it no down the ant hole to get like a huge lollipop of ants but if there was like an ant walking by me I would take my salt stick whatever you call them in America and I would push it I would smoosh the ant with it and then eat it I don't know what you guys call sounds like a weapon I think of the line for a switchblade that's what I used to these things the long Oh a pretzel stick pretzel stick okay Oh assault is what goes on this salts what goes on the pretzel yes yeah that's like calling an ice cream sundae like peanut goop or something enjoying my chocolate sauce Americans who make up like maybe 2% of the planets make fun of [ __ ] that the the rest of the planet calls them for like your [ __ ] word Europe as you might have noticed it's so it's a salty pretzel sticks in the title there I'm not too far off even from stock photo description I I get why they're called that but at the same salt sticks on Google Images does bring back a bunch of pretzel sticks but I mean like that they're made out of pretzels they're not made out of salt so they should be called vessels but this sticks it tastes like it tastes like salty pretzels I just looked at the word pretzel the origin word is from mid 19th century Germany its own language just got [ __ ] pretzel pretzel sucker a mini master race babe I shouldn't say that that's the wrong country to use that expression for but you get but you guys know what goes really well with your pretzel 6 or salt sticks right mmm honey oh it's honey that's right actually honey it is absolutely honey hundred-plus is this a tie to your sponsor are you actually suggesting you've probably heard me talk about honey cuz I just mentioned it goes great on pretzels but it does a lot of other things because honey makes your amazon shopping better better there are millions of sellers on Amazon offering the same products and honey is out there right now to provide a simple way to find out who's giving you the lowest price honey compares thousands of vendors and different websites to help you find the best price for your online shopping applying discounts and deals as you shop and the best thing about honey is it's free we say this every single time we have this [ __ ] company sponsoring this podcast we really love this service and we all use it it's free and I'm genuinely upset at people who don't use it because you get it for [ __ ] nothing sign up for honey save money by doing nothing why don't you do this already go to join honey calm / official so you can get honey the proper way that's join honey calm / official it is the smart shopping assistant that saves you time and money Gus I would love for you to tell me what the first thing you would buy using honey is you know what you thrown it to me for a bit but I want to like straight up say that genuinely when Eddy Berbick and I were setting up our podcast honey directly saved us like hundreds and hundreds of [ __ ] dollars it's like it's genuinely like just [ __ ] get it it's the easiest [ __ ] ever it saves you a lot of money I didn't really give you a good but that was a good plug so you guys should probably like sponsorships are better than any bit so thank you got them right I went onto our subreddit today and I saw oh god you made a mistake great I saw this threat called this podcast ruined any potential podcasts for me and you know I felt my balls expand in my me on these yet again with with pee better fear you know I have happiness like this myself out of just pure pride looking on the on to our work and knowing is better than all the dreck out there no no Gus in any spot Gus its back to the Phantom [ __ ] you it just yeah I wanna be humble but it's kind of true I listened to the h3 podcasting I don't wanna you know um yeah we're kind of better I don't want to wring my own Bell here but you know this year's Game Awards for humbleness between Red Dead Redemption to entire yes I wanted to toss something your way man yeah let's say this is something we asked everyone are you a big masturbator am i a big masturbator I would say maybe like five times a week so probably yeah it's like do you have any interesting mr. battery tales to share with us anything very interesting wild and wacky masturbatory tales hmm oh I remember when I was a kid I would like like I started like looking at like porn and stuff when I was probably in like seventh grade for the most part and I my first phone was like an old like Motorola - which was like the first Windows Phone with a full every button included keyboard it was miserable to try to use but like I'd go to my grandpa's house and I'd just be sitting in the bathroom and I remember one time I just it was in like seventh grade I just was looking for funny memes and stuff and I searched like stupid people and then on like page three there was like this big photo of like a hundred girls on the naked bike parade or whatever and there was just they were just a hundred girls there and I was just like I don't know how I didn't [ __ ] realize thank you so much for any man I don't know I know I was just like instantly I just realized how did I not know I could just look up porn it was great and it was just completely downhill from there I squandered any potential I had from then on they didn't [ __ ] parade and those those youngest's new sprinters or marathon runners ends whatever thry Athlon the runners they know that's half the internet's just jacking off to them right of course yeah well I don't think like normal triathlon runners no no moi but like maybe the new ones okay now the nude ones for sure and even then some of the regular ones I'm talking about the nude ones because they have these nude events whoo it's like a nude cycling of 10 miles 20 miles I train so hard for this who cares you're naked that's all everybody is googling but you know what he gives a [ __ ] you're traitor if you want you know I do remember I can I have a secondhand story like that I remember there's this kid in my class in eighth grade who genuinely like during social studies class like he was just jerking it in his desk and when he was done like he was whispering he was like whispering the people around him he's like he said like should i should i like calm should i come on the desk or whatever and people are like what no why he was trying to get like crowd participation [ __ ] teachers teaching a lesson on like growing power something's just looking at the class was common in America I guess not no thank you sure everyone was coming that's what we call pretzels or salt sticks [Laughter] in Turkey and like great school especially all the boys would just sit in the back and jerk off under their hoodies and such why really yeah Wow Turkey's a hot Turkish kids grow up fast they just you know if you have a hot or teacher you're not gonna sit there listening to her an example students I would just sit in the front be quiet he just jerked off in the front guy was so alpha male in that school he didn't even care who saw he just dropped his pants to his ankles right so you weren't a back row beater you're a front row fapper what was the aftermath did the class like make like a fight circle around him like it was just one of those kids that like was clearly so damaged you know where they just would do [ __ ] for attention so no one was like yeah dude do it they were just like come on no you know you might be lying I I feel like if someone in my class started masturbating I you know maybe one person would say yeah I love to that like in his mind why why would that help him to climax like guys I need 50 likes of the Chad here I'm not he's like should i should i do what should i come on the desk and and we're like i don't know i don't know don't do that maybe and he stood up and he like cuz he was just doing renderers hoodie it's always hoodies he like lifts up the little flat part you know of his hoodie not his penis and he finished all over the desk and mid finished the teacher saw him and it's like he was past the point of no return you know so she's just like the Amoz name dropped him but they'll call him Aaron Burr back you get Aaron Hansen of game grumps you get out of my class I was taking careers here jontron in the back what was funny though too is after he like [ __ ] I mean he came on the desk and like the teacher immediately yeah what's what you got didn't wound you all he did I mean we can't blame him like he did give us a heads up does that make it consensual no they sent him to the office and then the teacher called the janitor and like explained what was going on and like he didn't come down and then 20 minutes later the same kid came back with the principal and the principal watched him wipe up his own like jizz on the desk and then he filmed it for posterity for the school record right yeah make sure to look at the camera and look like you hate it like first private collection yes he looks it up like a detective in a movie like yes this has come clean it now yeah that's a great question though do you think do you guys think that you could like full-on masturbate and come if you had an audience cheering you on sir I was just thinking about that one Gustav I was thinking it's not like your friends or like people you're close to it is just random people in an audience going like yeah go do it like it is no I honestly think it depends it depends on the audience like I feel like if I was the cool kid in class and I'm in Gus's situation here and like I'm super cool in the whole class the teacher they all like me and I stand up like who wants to see me coming I feel like I get no ideas behind me like yeah Charlie oh maybe that's the fantasy the kid had when he stood up he thought in his head he was like who all over here wants me to come and he thought like everyone would applaud instead of coming office should I come like [ __ ] like some Dead Poets Society [ __ ] just everyone I'm coming I'm coming I'm coming I'm coming I feel like it's all dependent on the person like if they like the height the [ __ ] star quarterback of my high school team just starts jerking off in class and then asked for us to like give him permission I think everyone would eagerly give him permission you know what I mean mm-hmm it's just the fact that this was like the weird glue-sniffer scratching is not right but but on the on the same token do you think that would ruin his popularity dream in either direction though it would either destroy him or just launch him into the stratosphere of popularity yeah it's that's such a gray line it's like is jacking off in class and coming cool or not cool well yeah I'm sure I'm sure like all of these friends and stuff would say it is really cool like look what Jason did how cool is he he stuck it to the teacher what is up obviously if he's like a like a bad kid like he gets into different problems he's wicked [ __ ] cool after doing that like if he's like he's like he's graffitiing the halls and vandalizing the teachers cars then he goes yo guys my next thing I'm gonna jack off in class everyone be like oh [ __ ] he's taking it up a notch but then but then like if you're the weirdo Creepshow you just got that primal urge and you don't care who sees it then it's tanking you yeah did you ever have like just a kid growing up in class or whatever that was just like so outrageously bad just like such a terrible terrible kid like career-ending [ __ ] commanding the attention of the class just doing terrible misbehaving [ __ ] like ruining stuff just clowns or do you mean like just where it's like I had a kid I had a kid of my class back in like third grade I don't it is that we call in America third grade yeah we do that yeah yes we have a very great third salt well over here we call it grade three so I didn't want to put it the wrong way third rate versus grade three I would have no idea what you might have you said grade three on a stick they're so confusing anyway I had a kid in third grade that literally picked up a table and threw it at a window she's like brought raw strength I'd like barely almost hit the teacher as well and the teacher like dropped kicked him out of the room basically he was pretty entertaining why don't you go to fancy-pants school with where everybody had their own computer those dos charlie no no it was you I did not know fancy fancy high school yeah I also went to a little schmancy High School as well but Jackson like started it off like where were your guys his computers in high school we took him home with us Jesus yeah that kid Becky going in a lot of trouble he was like kicked out of the room by the teacher and what happened to the principal to drop kicked him out of the room the kid was like a real big issue it was it was good that it finally got taken care of situation it was a justified child yeah I was gonna say Andrew was like the Menace of his kindergarten he told me today he was taller than his teacher and kindergarten teacher he told the teacher what the hell he was a short woman and I was a tall kid she still had to be like at least 4 foot 10 or something yeah she was probably like 5 foot even he were taller than that in kindergarten I got tall quick I do [ __ ] insane man Stein's monster yeah I'm glad anyway the the only thing I know about that I told you guys earlier about the on the podcast about the story where they would you would put the paperclip through an eraser and jam it an electrical socket and create fires right so that same one of the guys in that same group of kids who would do that the only other thing I really remember that I still think is really funny at my school you had to do a certain level of community service hours because like you know every school has that like oh you know you have to graduate but then also do this so one of the ways you can get service hours was by helping set up the drama club like help them make sets and costumes on [ __ ] like just stay after school and help one of the clubs to stuff so two of those guys stayed after school and I did drama throughout high school so I was just there cuz I was in the [ __ ] play and they were like what can we do to help and and they were they were known for you know just [ __ ] around all the time so the teacher said well we're building the set you guys can just paint the stairs because they have to be a certain color and they were like okay and then after about an hour the teachers showed up the stairs were maybe like two splotches of paint on them and both of them were just covered head-to-toe and paint like just like they were just spilling it on each other and we were school uniforms which weren't cheap either so they just ruined their [ __ ] clothes and then when the teacher kept telling them to leave they just kept screaming over and over I'm painting but I'm painting and that was it and high school me found that really [ __ ] funny yeah not exactly bad kids do things too like break [ __ ] they did stupid [ __ ] in general that's that's what I really thought for me we had this kid in third storey that's a that's a banger though I have a very similar paint d1 there's this kid named allied name-dropping was second grade I don't know where he is Kyle that's a common enough name we had this kid named Kyle that would just just was a maniac like he'd got at recess and stuff and he'd always like the thing that he'd always do is he'd scream he go ouch-ouch luck luck and you turn around and he'd like have his balls stretched out in his pants all the way back [Laughter] that was know but what one day an art class he went in and just unscrewed all of the lids of like those just those tubs up like acrylic paint or whatever and he went to every single table like and poured out an entire jug of paint and he rolled around on the table on page and was making body prints all across the wall like with the pens it's just like [ __ ] you can't even comprehend it as a kid like that you know cuz a bad kid back then it's like oh they said a bad word in class or like they like threw an eraser or something and you have a kid [ __ ] doused in paint making Kyle prints all on the wall like how do you rationalize that musical it sounded like a [ __ ] tribal chant I'm actually very curious on yours you have any stories kyuk is in Turkey I imagine like the bad kid would probably if like [ __ ] murder the teachers are showing they had I don't know if you guys did do you guys have people in your country who love huffing paint thinner yeah I still do yeah we had one right around outside the school which is why the principal at some point forbade us to go outside because this guy wouldn't mug any of the children that would go outside we call them Taneja which is literally paint offer paint thinner offer whatever you would call it and these guys all they do all day long is they mock people and with the money they gets they buy more paint thinner and they Huff it all day long I don't know wait were these students in your grade or just people standing outside the school while people standing outside our school but by people when I say peep this was another kid our age even younger who would mug us this twelve-year-old with a blade pulled on you to ask for your lunch money right and why that's what you're looking back on this so fondly he died at this point from all the winters I mean this guy was a street kid he didn't have a home it just paints offer a third offer what do you want he's gonna die well it's cheap mugging pants I hope he was mugging people for money and not just everyone carrying paint thinner on them all the time no see the problem like everybody thinks oh I'm gonna be a at least those losers think they're gonna be badasses and mock people all day long and the thing is that if you keep pulling knives on everybody for your whole life and that's how you sustain yourself sooner or later you're gonna run into a psycho right who's just been waiting for this opportunity and there's been this news in Turkey which everybody always loves and makes fun of where the sky who looks like a complete psychopath he got mugged by one of these paint thinner hoppers so apparently this like I don't know 16 year old kid with a bucket of paint thinner in his hands pulled a blade on the sky who looks like a hulking monster in a bandana and he wanted his money and I said [ __ ] you and punched the kid in the mouth with this paint thinner doused all over him and the guys set him on fire you just spend your life mugging people sooner or later you're gonna ruin some guy who's a bigger psycho than you are that was a power play by him because now the big guy has the paint thinner you know oh that man's name was John wick of turn take the I mean you know these these muggers they don't have any [ __ ] money on them obviously just this I'm just saying if you super or later you're gonna run into a guy who looks like this looks like a GI Joe the guy's a video of this guy who is in almost full camouflage talking with broken Turkish and he's talking about how with a heavy leather what Heather a heavy weather jacket and full bandanna by the way you got a specifier all color coded like try to mock me punched him on the ground he was insulting me it was he called my mom [ __ ] so kicked him in the teeth and yet dissipates in Iran you know I wouldn't believe it I thought it was just water so I said imma firin he lit on fire so he's telling the truth man so I felt bad for him I was trying to put him you know I was trying to put the fire rush so I started kicking him also the whole body language of this man while he's telling this story is like you ever see a frat guy at a bar kind of get heated with some other guys like hey hey what are you doing hey come on like popping his arms to his side's constantly and like pumping his shoulders up and looking all around like that's how he's telling this story like he like he's all pride and pompous a pill he's let me know honestly it's a pretty bad upstanding citizen he said let me transfer me to translate okay he says listen I said I'm on fire I'm are ready to serve whatever sentence the states seems fit for me good yeah that's okay it's an upstanding guy so he was they're gonna set him and his family on fire I felt a bad force I tried to put it out and start kicking it was about the time that I realized he was burning for the police some mercy so I started kicking him I like I like how he didn't believe it was peeing on thinner he is such a [ __ ] idiot he's like that can't be paint thinner let me try lighting on fire ever traveling to Turkey for whatever reason are you listening to the stone mock people for one and secondly more even more importantly don't insult to random peoples and mothers that'll get you high I think you're missing the actual moral of the story if you're traveling to Turkey for any reason to not carry an open flame you know you'll just cause [ __ ] disco these people walk into GI Joe who looks like he just murdered Cobra Commander I would just avoid huffing flammable accelerants keep it to like a low basic kind of item or Elmer's glue stick anything in the Elmer's family is pretty safe probably yeah elmers.com slash Gus for for ten percent off your [ __ ] huffing accelerants [ __ ] get 50% off with this extension that's free no I don't know painful scary man here's like a video of a guy a street kid from Turkey again who he doubts is a bunch of what does that colleague as a police no it's not polyester what is that called salt snare the whites thing you put in like packages two bolts through it a little bit yeah this the material that packing peanuts are made out of styrofoam who's a little bit of paint thinner on styrofoam and it just dissolves the styrofoam entirely and the Curtis crying is begging for help like he's saying I'm addicted to this stuff and yada yada it's scary stuff I don't know I wouldn't want to be addicted to this [ __ ] oh my god Josie you are you big drug addict by chance so it's like social drugs then of course like the occasional heroin bender and stuff it's just a hobby yeah like if it's like a bridal shower and they're passing the needle around I'll take it all take a little swab in that but other than that nan occasionally yes since the one afire mood strikes me right because have you guys seen the synthetic marijuana [ __ ] like that's kind of the kind of new stuff the k2 stuff know what I mean yeah yeah it's just like ketamine except like they've re-engineered it to be even more like harmful improve I don't know but in the area around Tampa not exactly in Tampa I've been seeing a lot of [ __ ] pop up on Facebook about people just going wild on k2 and I've seen some videos it looks like they completely exit the corporeal dimension it is absolutely is it light remarkably scary is it like crocodile crocodile is eats your flush it doesn't really do anything beyond that but it's more like bath salts times 10 it's [ __ ] wild k2 is it like the sequel to K or what yeah this is James Cameron's magnum opus of k2 the island of lost dreams do you have any videos of people going nuts song you could just type in k2 or synthetic marijuana and you can find a hundred of them just in our like little area it's wild it's like an epidemic I don't know what is what's what's the most dangerous drug k2 is actually the most dangerous one is it actually well because what happens is when you when you do it for some reason often times you'll get naked and then you just start going around the city and some people get like hit by cars or like fall down stairs and die I know I'm a genetic side of jobs they do that on other trucks as well videos of that like why is that just a common side effect like you know like you get naked you go around the city that's I see it all the time it's so [ __ ] weird man there say this is there I just found an incredible video on demonstrating k2 there's a guy who's addicted to it and he he's just ascending to whatever plane Jesus Christ had prepared for him in the next dimension but the way that they're presenting him to the city because they're using him to raise awareness they have him [ __ ] on a harness just holding him up right viel like this backpack strap and he is doing nothing but like falling forward and drooling and just pulling out [ __ ] and waving it with his hands yeah it is incredible she's like controlling the world's worst puppet but it's a guy high on k2 because like some Hannibal Lecter [ __ ] it's [ __ ] creepy I'll lick it it's k2 some Kyle me question the drug that's probably the most dangerous is crocodile you know for intellectuals it literally eats your flesh from like your very first use yeah it's it's drain cleaner yeah isn't it crocodile is just like flesh because it's [ __ ] deactivating implies some kind of bacteria you know crocodile isn't you it it's not like a sandwich yeah it's like did Jackson and it gets into your bloodstream and starts dissolving [ __ ] yeah like immediately it's literally just acid then yeah poor man's heroin in Russia were Russians are so poor in the ghetto they can't even afford heroin so they make their own that said that's called crocodile of course they make it out of drain cleaner and molten meat or something it's like anything they could find in a dumpster yeah we should do like heroin - heroin relief fund that's what's that [ __ ] like the make-a-wish or the child thing where they send presents to like third-world countries but - it's just heroin - Russia oh yeah like Doctors Without Borders but like heroin dealers without morals for that I think the Russians would be happier maybe it is oh my goodness every time I go down this crocodile rabbit hole I'm blown away that anyone would ever do it in any way I don't know I mean you have to have a really really sad life - those videos are people smoking spice though smoking spice one I can almost understand because it's marketed as synthetic marijuana so you hear marijuana and you're like oh it's gotta be it can't be that bad but what then you realize it's but it's like Konami code cheated into like this next level of savagery that just [ __ ] kills you is that the same thing as k2 what is it k2 is synthetic marijuana so it's the same thing shouldn't even be [ __ ] shouldn't even be [ __ ] called synthetic marijuana with the fact that it wrecks your [ __ ] like PCP it's well it's a marketing thing so that they're smart if you sell something as like this will you know make your dick smaller and probably make you explode or something no one's gonna buy it but if you say hey this is like a jelly bean but it's not people are gonna get all over that [ __ ] you know what I mean people now associate marijuana with like a positive drug and not like a bad one so you call it synthetic people know what that means and they think it's probably safe which it's not it's [ __ ] wild mm-hmm it's ruin our neighborhoods in our communities Andrew well not our immediate ones but near us way too a way to lift us up to a higher class well I just met the Tampa area no gated communities are five mansions I think beyond the golf course there might be a neighboring neighborhood anyway but anyway let's try some crocodile I think like the [ __ ] try guys on BuzzFeed the try guys try the street grade crocodile results yeah I think it's the Asian guy but that man would somehow turn that into the most boring crocodile trip ever it looks like it's eating my flesh what do you know I'd be the whole episode have you guys seen his show their show that man is excruciating ly boring they have like a show there's four of them right yeah the the guys that like compare a five dollar burger to a fifty dollar burger horrendous dude that's the luckiest [ __ ] ever there's two different shows though there's the the try guys which is like four dudes do whatever and then there's like poor thing versus expensive and they're the same and poor thing versus expensive thing I don't know the actual name but that's the worst show on YouTube I can't stand it I think it's the absolute worst thing that YouTube makes there's not a single good redeeming value about it no it was literally look at this sponsorship versus this other sponsorship that's so true like I mean it those they're the luckiest because whatever because anyone could have fulfilled those roles and you know that people are just clicking on it because they don't give a [ __ ] about their personalities they're just like put what is a $10,000 to look like I guess I'll find out you know exactly the guy they're not witty they're not funny there's no jokes and then surprisingly you guys you guys might be taken aback to hear this every product featured on the show is good so when they sit down when they sit down and go-go $10 Pizza versus $100 Pizza what's better they go hi welcome to tombstone pizza would you please eat our delicious pizza and they go all the crust it's so flaky and it's so good for cheesy and I thank the good people at tombstone for sponsoring this video who would have imagined we would have liked the pizza what I host the worst fake as [ __ ] hope one day one of them snaps and they just go completely off script this is the worst [ __ ] I've ever tasted in my life [ __ ] you tombstone and I I want to do that man I was thinking of making that kind of show but I just [ __ ] on everything I get even if it's great there's a good way of not being able to go back to any of those restaurants [ __ ] yeah man exactly just if I get like a Burger King whopper I don't think they're really gonna give a [ __ ] if some random nobody on the internet makes a video saying it tastes Burger King's really struggling man they care for everything that's true speaking of like a stealing ideas that like Andrew wants to do guess let's talk about SNL how's that going do you think they're still stealing from you why did you steal their ideas you know had to be done no I you know I said to like before the people that don't know I had it's very similar sketch to what and why I made mine first and then SNL made a sketch about like America's Got Talent super [ __ ] formulaic you know and it's always people come out and they laugh at them and know that guy's gonna suck and then what they're good and then SNL made one like a month later and it was like it was it was pretty much the same exact idea but I mean I even said at the time when I made a video about it like it was the most creative groundbreaking idea like people already kind of knew about the name of that for a while yeah no I was just worth it cuz the thing is I had so many people just furiously like trying to defend me be like it was [ __ ] and it's like hey guys it would be kind of cool to work there I'm kind of trying to make me do that to somebody like shut the [ __ ] up about this cuz you know everyone could have had the same idea here but no genuinely like one thing that has bothered me is not even SNL stuff I made a similar thing I made a video a couple months ago like making fun of how JK Rowling keeps like changing [ __ ] about the Harry Potter universe like after the fact so she can be more inclusive which speaking right into our language because I think we somehow it's like a unifying thing of all people and creators and we get on the show it's just they got to come on and [ __ ] on JK Rowling a little bit a little bit I'm glad I could add in but no the thing is like I made my video about it and the thing is as a concept of course people already know that [ __ ] you know I had seen for years people like like one if she came out first and did the Dumbledore's gay thing you know and already people were like okay you can't change [ __ ] that you already wrote like you're done with this thing so it wasn't that I had a fully original idea I took the idea I made a joke about it and then like the sketch I made like the delivery was distinct the costumes were kind of distinct like I put my own spin on it and then what did bug me after the fact I'm not gonna name drop but you maybe figure out you know [ __ ] is like I had two channels that I know like I've interacted with and like people like we know each other they made videos about it like afterwards all within like a month or two of mine and they were so [ __ ] similar to like the structure and like the delivery and the costumes and stuff and it's just like dude come on guys and I never like I never like said anything about it and obviously I'm not name-dropping in [ __ ] but like it bothers me when it's like other YouTube channels that clearly like watch my stuff or interact with me that's what does bug me it's more believable when like YouTube channels do it to each other whereas I say no do they would they for what YouTube that much I don't know when the thing isn't you know I just don't even know it's it's only I can only speculate at this point but you know yeah it does bug me at a youtuber level especially because like the people it's like I I know you guys you know we know each other personally what do you like I've worked with them before every youtuber knows every other youtuber yeah that's a very good point but it's like oh I've been to like their personal functions of theirs and I've like bend over to their place like multiple times and shot with them multiple times it's like then you release the video like a month after my thing like it's not it's not taking a huge like shot at me career-wise but it's like I know you saw my [ __ ] video like did you think I was not gonna see this you know like come on dude yeah Gus Johnson goes and puts the paint thinner on him with a match it takes so little for me to snap like that well between that and the Bohemian Rhapsody called which one do you dislike most because you can't even say Bohemian Rhapsody without getting copyright claims at the moment can you guess no you can't and you're very brave for saying it now and destroying the funding on this whole episode for yourself um yeah it's it's stupid that that one bugs me more site-wide thing you know the JK Rowling joke is more personal but like site-wide it's just so dumb and you know what really bothered me too is like there some people that were coming out and just like [ __ ] on me for saying like you know it's possible that people maybe haven't heard Bohemian Rhapsody before and I was like yeah it's [ __ ] possible you know like I haven't seen half the Disney movies made people miss [ __ ] but it's like these are people these are youtubers it's different you know they're making stuff on trends and [ __ ] I sound like a cranky old man on my porch throwing [ __ ] it's kind of the whole podcast back in my day we called them salt sticks I remember when girls used to just strip on this porn platform and now they're doing it on my sacred YouTube I remember when we had to come on our desks at school not into a napkin like a civilized man that was a tag guys that was a callback to my other job out of here this sick callback dude [ __ ] yeah man I was gonna bring something up about JK Rowling and I completely forgot what it was [ __ ] man you did you see though the last couple of days which he like tweeted about or Pottermore did her website yeah we talked about the [ __ ] okay thank you yeah I mean there's nothing more to be said about it come on dude it's too much who's like like your own personal wal cow which is kind of the term attributed to someone like JK Rowling who's just completely [ __ ] senile and it's enjoyable to watch from a distance see now I don't even know she obviously she was probably number one for me like I was a huge Harry Potter kid growing up and it's just like dude come on do you have anyone on YouTube that's like that any any locales on YouTube that is that are like kind of wrecking stuff now or that it's like sad to watch now or what yeah I just kind of it's more it's entertaining to watch in a in a way entertaining me like I can give you an example like a psychic pebbles he had the guy who wanted to kill himself or like kill other people because one of his arms was a little shorter than the other one something like that so so I guess in that same vein or maybe it's even the same guy you maybe maybe you like to watch him maybe um I guess one that's not super entertaining but it's kind of like I don't know if SADS the way to say it and I really don't want to assault the dude but like you remember Julian Smith that used to make all those sketches like back in the day like the Mach 1 and and hot kool-aid and like that doesn't ring a bell the Mulk it's pronounced milk Molk Molk anyway I'm sure a lot of people listening will probably like recognize this stuff but like when I was growing up he just he made these really high-quality sketches and he'd post them all the time and I was like I would watch those as a kid and he was my number one in straight like inspiration for [ __ ] and then like in the last couple years like he just kind of stopped making sketches and then he tried doing like daily vlogs and it just it didn't work out at all and then like the last nail in the coffin for him was like he tried to incorporate this best fiends ad you know the mobile game and it was just like it was really bad and I don't know and now he's like he tried to come back and do a podcast where he was like a funny sketch guy and then he came back and he's doing like a podcast same on his main channel and he's talking to like authors and theologians and stuff but it's like I mean none of his audience really wanted to watch that so it's like no one's really watching him anymore it just it's sad I hope he's doing well personally he was a huge inspiration but it's just sad to see that you know it's like a slow descent yeah bring it up too because it's like I don't want to diss the guy but I just like it's disappointing to watch that stuff maybe maybe give him a shout-out instead maybe maybe talk about the best parts of you security what you enjoy oh yeah I mean he has an enormous back catalogue of stuff that is genuinely probably the some of the best sketch work you're ever gonna see on YouTube don't look at my up Julian Smith really funny stuff which speaking of which we do have to wrap up now so Gus why don't you uh why don't you shout out your stuff alright give everyone a place to go to watch more well I am currently in the sketch making stage of YouTube before I interview local authors a few years down the road so if you want to go watch like dumb memes and sketches and [ __ ] look at me up on YouTube Gus Johnson that's pretty much all I'm doing right now what about you I was so yeah no I do a podcast with Eddie Berbick - it's the Gus and Eddie podcast it comes out every Friday we got cool guests and otherwise we just [ __ ] around stuff so go check that out - two beautiful people go give them go give them a listen try they won't be as good as us but hey they'll try speaking of which you can find us over at patreon patreon comm slash the official podcast if you want to help support us there's a lot of bonus content over there hours upon hours of bonus content so go give it a go give it a look you might find sleep you like and that's it for us really you next week [Music]

Channel: penguinz0

Views: 150,931

Rating: 4.9166999 out of 5

Keywords: The Official Podcast #111 With Gus Johnson

Id: mmBd-811r4M

Length: 72min 16sec (4336 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 17 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/[deleted]]

Just gus

[u/[deleted]]

this is the best crossover episode

[u/ColinHalter]

Oh fuck yeah!