Ahhh!!! Who's ready to work? Last week I gave a fire safety talk and nobody paid any attention. It's my own fault for using PowerPoint. Powerpoint is boring. People learn in lots of different ways, but experience is the best teacher. Today, smoking is going to save lives. Does anyone smell anything? Smokey? Did you bring your jerky in again? Oh my God. Oh my God! Fire! Oh, fire! Oh my goodness. What's the procedure? What do we do? Phones are dead. Oh, how did that happen? Out in the hall. No, we don't know that. The smoke could be coming through an air duct. Oh my God. Okay. It's happening. Everybody stay calm. What's the procedure? Everyone, what's the procedure? Stay calm. Whoa whoa whoa whoa. Calm down. No, no! Michael! No! Touch the handle. If it's hot, there could be a fire in the hallway. What does warm mean? Not a viable option. What next? About the other door. Oh, here's the door. Check that one out. How's the handle? It's warm. They go to the back door for another option. Another option? Jeez. Okay, settle down everyone. Magic time. Gahhh! Ha ha. I got it. You're welcome. La la la la la la la. Who's ready to work? Check for an organ donor card if he has one. We only have minutes to harvest. He has no wallet, I checked, he is an organ donor. He is. Give me some ice and a styrofoam bucket. Here we go. Oh, God. Dwight? Shall we search for? The organs. Where's the heart? The precious heart? I'm not feeling well. I need to sit down. Hey, Stanley. Stanley, are you okay? Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh, okay. Here we go. All right, come on. Go! F***! Oh! Did I want to harm Michael? The one man I've been hired to protect? No, I did not. Are you okay? Yes, yes. Are you all right? Yep, yep. Thank you. Ready. Let's do. it. Drop that sucker! Yeah. Bingo. Whoa whoa whoa whoa. Deactivate the car alarm. Clean up the mess. Okay. Find out whose car that is. If it's Stanley's, call the offices of James P Albini. See if he handles hate crimes. Got it. Also, take apart the trampoline. Stick it in the baler. We're not allowed to use the baler. Have patch do it. Or the sea monster. I'm on it. Now that. I'm temporarily lifting the shun. Thank you. It means nothing. I need you to do something for me. Anything. Okay. Calm down. I need you to acquire an inflatable house and or castle. You mean a moonbounce? What do you think? You've got an hour. Okay. I'm gonna need petty cash. Shunning resumed. Do you want a drawbridge on shun? Yeah, that sounds good. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. No. Why? Why did you bring that here? Don't worry. She's dead. Oh, wait. He's dead. Dwight? What? I accidentally ran over it. It's a Christmas miracle. Well, get it out of here. Relax. Okay. And because this is Christmas, I am going to roast this goose and prepare it with a wild rice dressing. So can you watch this? I'm going to get my carving knife out of the trunk. Dwight, we talked about this. No, Toby, this is different. He is already dead. Once I brought in a duck to prepare for lunch, and people got upset. Apparently, they got attached to the duck and didn't want to see it killed. He was already dead. And we schrutes use every part of the goose. The meat has a delicious, smoky, rich flavor. Plus, you can use the molten goose grease and save it in the refrigerator, thus saving you a trip to the store for a can of expensive goose grease. Win, win. Exactly. Thank you. Jim. I like goose. It's already dead. Is it so crazy if we eat it?
That is crazy. It's crazy. Dwight, you cannot keep that here. Okay, that is ridiculous. And totally against the spirit of Christmas. Come on, Dwight, we went over this, like, for half an hour. It's Christmas. Toby. It's a dead animal in an office. You can't. Please. Please. Clean it in your car. I would like it off my desk. Oh, Pam, take a chill pill. What is going on? What is going on? Michael is sick and he wants one of us to rescue him. I'm not sick. I'm coming. Michael. I'm going to save you. He's in trouble. I do not want Dwight. Hold on, Michael, I am coming. Wait there. I don't want Dwight. Michael, why don't you call your girlfriend? I don't have a girlfriend. But you said you went out with her this weekend. It was all made up. Just someone come, okay. Anyone? Anyone but Dwight. What was that? Oh, he hit the pole. It's broken. Right? He can't. Oh my gosh! Oh, Dwight! Dwight! Oh! Oh my God. Is he okay? He's still driving. Dwight, you forgot your bumper. Hey, you know what, Dwight? Maybe we should get our photo ID taken together. That doesn't make any sense. Well, it saves time, you know, because we could just meet in the parking lot every morning, walk in together. Perfect. Smile. No. I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life. This came out really well. There you go. This is humongous. I am not a security threat. And my middle name is Kurt. Not fart. What did I write? I have another complaint for Jim's permanent file. Talk to Michael. I gave him the box. What box? You report your snoring? Oh! God. What? Oh, no. No. Four years of malfeasance. Unreported. Calm down. No! You calm down. Whose side is Toby on? Whose side are you on? Hey, him or me. Him or me? I cannot work with Jim anymore. Okay? Either he goes or I go. Dwight. You choose. One of us is out of here by the end of today. Okay. It's a holster. Yep, yep, yep, yep. Looking good. Oh, what a day, what a day. Dwight, are you carrying a gun? The holster was a gift from my great uncle. Honk. I don't know, I guess he's saying that he's proud of me. Dwight. Guns make me really uncomfortable. The gun is just an accessory to the holster. Okay? I can't walk around wearing an empty holster. Why do you need to wear the holster at all? Why do you need. To keep wearing those boobie shirts all the time? Thank you. You could put your cell phone in it instead. Hello? You could put a banana in it. Why would I put a banana in my holster? In case you weren't hungry now. But you got hungry later. Dwight. No gun. Okay. Don't make us call Jo. Okay? All right. Fine. Everyone calm down. Someone get me a banana. Sorry I freaked you guys out. Andy. Oh, God, that's so loud. What is that? The fire shooting at us. What are the name of God is going on? Oh, yes. Battering ram. Oh, yes! Oh my God! Employees of Dunder Mifflin. This has been a test of our emergency preparedness. There is no fire. It was only a simulation. What? Fire not real. This was merely a training exercise. So what have we learned? Oh, come on, it's not real. Stanley, don't have a heart attack. No no no no no, you will not die. Stanley! Stanley, you will not die! Do you think it should be Jim? Definitely. No. Jim brings in money. Phyllis. Stanley. Pam. Oscar. Meredith. Kevin. Angela. It's not a popularity contest. Although it does make sense to fire the least popular because it has the least effect on morale. One of the warehouse guys. But there is someone left off that list. Who? Who is he saying? You're right. I didn't even. Think of him. No, Michael. Yeah, that's actually a really good idea. No. Not me, I could. Not Dwight, I'm not saying that's what he said. I know that's what he said. What? Tell him not Dwight. That is not a very nice thing to say about him.
Tell him to stop. Are you kidding? Quiet, you. I agree he'd land on his feet. Make him be quiet. Jim! Jim! Jim! Jim. Jim Jim. Jim. Jim. Jim. Jim. Oh, hey there Dwight. I'm going to be your new boss. It's my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the hotel Hell. Check in time is now. Check out time is never. Does my room have cable? No. And the sheets are made of fire. Can I change rooms? Sorry, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town. Can I have a late checkout? I'll have to talk to the manager. You're not the manager even in your own fantasy. I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan. Listen up. Come to the center of the room, please. This is a Schrute buck. When you have done something good, you will receive one. Schrute buck. 1000 Schrute bucks equals an extra five minutes for lunch. What is the cash value of a Schrute block? Excellent question. Pam. 1/100 of a cent. So 10,000 of your dollars is worth one real dollar.
Just zip your lid. Another announcement. Michael wasted an enormous amount of the group's time and patience with non-work related ethnic celebrations and parades of soft minded, do goodness. No longer. No more meetings. Amen. Instead, today I will begin my first lecture in a long series of lectures designed to increase your knowledge on the world of paper. Do we have to? Yes. Michael is gone. There's a new sheriff here in these offices. And his name is me. Conference room 10s. All of you. Ow ow ow! Okay, I think we need to take him to the hospital because I'm pretty sure he has a concussion. Oh, now you feel some compassion for him. He needs to go right now. And you're his emergency contact. I think you should go with him. Why don't you go with him? I barely. Know him. I want Michael to take me. I can't take you. I don't have my car. And yours is all vomity. You can take my van. Oh, okay. That's great. No, I can't drive. Jim, why don't you drive? Fine. We'll go. I'm still recovering, so let's just, Ryan get my coat, please. Slowly. Okay, let's just get to the elevator. Choo choo choo choo choo choo choo. What are you doing? Vietnam sounds. Stop stop stop stop. I'm tired. Just lay down. Rache! Wake up! Ah! Wait here. Let me help you. Dwight. Okay, Pam. Thanks. Get up. You're the best. Just keep them away. It smells like chicken soup. I know I have to go to the hospital. I know. What is on your face. Is that a disguise? Excuse me. Clown paint. I.D. badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffle bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
