The Journey Home - 2012-11-26 - Leah Darrow - Revert/ Former contestant on ANTM

good evening and welcome to the journey home Marcus Grodi your host for this program each week EWTN gives me this opportunity to bring into your home's the stories of men and women who either came to the Catholic Church for the first time or came back and we call those for want of a better term reverts and that's such that we have tonight Leah Darrow is a revert and a speaker on important issues you may have heard her already on EWTN possibly on a couple programs so Leah welcome to the journey well thank you it's great to have you here yeah thank you both as your witness of your journey of faith to rediscover the beauties of the church but also for the courageous apostolate that you've accepted in your life at a very important time in the needs of our especially our young people today in the culture that we have been dropped into by our good Lord you know so it's got its challenges doesn't it it does to live out our faith in this particular culture but of course this program that goes beyond the American culture it goes to many many countries many other places around the world who not only have people that have gone through a similar journey to you have gone way --then Church come back but are fighting those same battles in many different cultures so it's great to have you on the program yeah thanks for having me what I normally do is get out of the way as soon as I can and invite you to start back at the beginning to give the audience a little glimpse of yours personally sure well I was born and raised Catholic and was born and raised in Oklahoma actually grew up on a farm just a really beautiful childhood really was very blessed to have that and I'm also six kids so you know I'm a was a little mini mom to to those siblings they probably hated it thin but you know I perfected the art of being bossy and delegating but but we had grew up in the faith and I'm very blessed to have parents who we know we prayed every night together it was a habit that we said the Rosary every night even sometimes we were you know we wouldn't come politely into the living room sometimes were you know dragged in but but we did that and my parents taught taught us how to I and they taught us how to talk to God and at some times you know they're still fighting and screaming going on to the rosary and you know one brother is biting another brother or something and there's all sorts of things going on but it was a great time to come together and I did treasure that even though it sometimes I didn't feel like praying I remember our mom always told me she's well it's not about how you feel you know this is just as to God that we come in and we love God and we pray to Him and we ask for his love and for his protection our family and so I was raised in that type of an atmosphere however there were moments later on when I was growing up and once I got into high school and at this point my family moved from Oklahoma to st. Louis my father's job transferred us and in that time during high schools when things really started to change for me well there's a couple things back on your early days so you went through the usual Hoops as a young Catholic that's right that's right baptized catechized confirmed all the things yes baptized and had the confirmation at catechized mmm I'm not quite sure how how well maybe looking back in hindsight how well that was done in some ways I remember even being confirmed I didn't quite understand what was going on I just knew okay there's something about the Holy Spirit here and that's a good thing and this means that I choose to be Catholic and okay but pretty much that was it and but yes I did I went through all the hoops did all those things went to Mass every Sunday and from so from the outside to the eyes of your parents to the eyes of others you would look like a good Catholic er absolutely absolutely right we had a good you know good Catholic family and where we are we absolutely love God we love Jesus we're practicing our face and it's that's just the way it's supposed to be how that was integrating into real life it's totally - well and the other question also as we are now approaching your your may be wandering years during Isaac what was going on inside you did you have them did you have an authentic faith yourself up inside apart from the externals of your Catholic faith yeah I think that that there was that struggle deep down absolutely I love God I knew I loved God I knew I loved Jesus I knew that he was there for me that he died for me that he died for me and my sins and I loved that but it was a fear of how do i how do I make that how do I go to the next step with that what do you do do I just believe this do I just practice it and really feel this and believe this one hour on Sunday what do I do Monday through Saturday and I wasn't sure what to do with that and I you know I had lots of friends and most of them were Catholic however their practice of their faith didn't extend past noon on Sunday so what what do we do and there was that confusion and for me in high school and when I moved from Oklahoma to st. Louis I got a whole new group of friends many of them were not Catholic there were some that were definitely Christian but I feel like they were they were still struggling with the same things I was struggling with in their faith of just we love Jesus we believe in God but we'll talk about him on this one day for an hour so what age were you when you made the move 15 yeah that's it that's a tough time right it was after my freshman year of high school so I was starting up my sophomore year in high school and you really come into starting to discover You Know Who am I what's going on what's important in my life my friends and I sports my activities or faith parents and you kind of have you start prioritizing things and sometimes we do that and we we do it in the wrong way we prioritize things above others that we shouldn't and that's what happened for me did you make the clean switch from that Catholic community to the new one at st. Louis is that a good switch for you for me I'm not for me I'm not sure was a very very good good move in terms of that end up being into other things I'll work out for good but but no was very difficult it was very difficult we I mean I loved all of my family all my friends everybody who knew us to be good Catholic kids to be a good Catholic family to throw it into a different group with a different set of beliefs and my friends around while some of them are very good Christians and great but they definitely took on a new belief system what we do on the weekends and what we do outside of school and on parties and so that started to really enter and you know come into my life and influenced me in a way that took me slowly away from my faith and there was that one moment for me that things did happen yeah with often on the journey home talked about this kind of idea of a soup that we live in the culture that we live in you were in a with your Oklahoma experience but also into that soup you had television and all the other influences giving you ideas in your culture at your Oklahoma and you moved to st. Louis it's a different soup you know of all kinds of things in the time period that you're living and growing up I mean as it was a teenager brought out of your comfortable into new environment new kids even in the church you're saying that's really when things started changing for you they did they did they change for me and I know when looking back on it now I know that there was one moment that really did take a turn unfortunately for the worst but it was that moment I was 15 and my high school you know is quote of course cool to have a boyfriend and you had to have one if you didn't you had to see a school nurse something was dreadfully wrong with you so relationships are really important and not just relationships with your girlfriend's but more so relationship with the opposite sex relationship you know with your boyfriend for a girl and so I had a boyfriend had to have a boyfriend so you'll take anybody so you get a boyfriend and I was dating this guy and he was older than me and he was a senior in high school and it was really cool and you just feel like you were part of this group now you can have conversations about your boyfriend that you couldn't and you had no idea about as a single person in high school and so with that I had this boyfriend and things were progressing in that in that way and it was homecoming and the dance was coming up and I was getting all ready for it and as most teenagers do we enjoy this time we love this time and for girls we love it even more about the dress it's about getting dressed up in the fashion and I love that and I don't think there's anything wrong with that you know it's a good time to enjoy yourself and have fun in some parts of our country especially the south this is the coming-out time absolutely this is it for the girl that is very entering into society this is a big deal it is a big deal and and to a point that you know I don't think something wrong with that up to a point obviously but that's how it was I was really excited it get all dressed up I'm really enjoying the process of doing this the dance and wearing a pretty dress and you know you feel it like a little bit like you know like a Disney movie you get dressed up and you go to the ball and you have a fun time and you dance with your girlfriends you dance with your boyfriend and it's just good clean fun it's great but it was after that it was after the homecoming dance and everything like that where I was presented with this question I was asked to me a couple weeks prior to the dance of like Leah are you ready for it and I had a friend ask me this and I thought well of course I'm ready for it you know I got my dress and my shoes like why would I not be ready and they said no come on are you ready for it and at 15 I actually did not know what they were talking about and they ended up informing me like Lee know Leah it it is sex are you ready for that and that took me by surprise I wasn't quite sure what what to think about it I knew what my parents had told me I knew what our church had said the wise one my parents said that or the wise of why our church makes the stance and chastity I didn't understand that I didn't know that I just knew that you shouldn't do that until you're married and I got nervous and concerned and scared and I didn't know if I should talk to my parents I didn't know if I talked to anybody else all of my girlfriends and they were all accepting of that in a relationship in high school and so after the homecoming dance situation presents itself if that was going to happen or not and at 15 it did happen and I lost my virginity at that time and it's something that I yeah I was going to say that you mean what you're describing is interesting I think of the audience that's watching us more my age that that wasn't the expectation right are you ready for it it certainly happened back in our days but it wasn't like the normal expectation that was just what girls your age would go through at that time and there you are in this prayer the soup that aired is what they agree if you want to be a part of that this is what you do yeah absolutely mean you're you're really just a little girl dealing with big-girl issues and um you know it's just one of those things where I mean don't get me don't get me wrong I believe in the mercy of Jesus Christ I know I've been forgiven I've given that to God it just it's still I think brings up that won't when I do share this with people because you know I just don't think I realize how great I was and and I think with that you know the gift of my purity that beautiful gift that God gives each and every one of us that that is truly a gift and meant to be given in a very special and complete way with a in a covenant in a sacrament and we so quickly seem to just want to lose that and to do that so quickly to be a part of the societal or what's acceptable and or to be a part of a group or to be accepted and we realized very quickly afterwards that this was a big deal and this is very important special and and once once you cross that line yeah yeah it's very difficult we're going to pause here for a moment I want to take a quick break okay and we'll come right back in a second let see in a bit Oh you welcome back to the journey home our guest tonight is Lea Darryl and you noticed a box of Kleenex all of a sudden appeared on the set and I felt real bad that I couldn't help you and I want to make sure because yeah the tears are a very valid expression of really what your apostolate is all about I mean once you've made this decision right absolutely it's it's a choice that cannot be undone and well Christ forgives me and I believe in that it's a choice that I made it's a choice of me that I cannot be undone and while I lost my virginity I still can regain my purity and and take up a new life with that but it doesn't erase or take back that moment of I made this choice and these are the consequences of my choice and that's the universal paradox we are free to make choices in this world we are not free from the consequences of those choices and are the problem I think you agree is that we now live in this culture that doesn't value virginity absolutely not we laugh at it we think it's a joke we think it's something silly we think it's child's play like oh isn't that sweet that's that's awfully nice you have that just get rid of it and grow up and we have this idea that that's how we should look at it and in my audiences that I speak to I purposely make a point for those people to give them a round of applause till and you should see the audience and the these high schools are clapping like crazy because we need to let them know that this is a beautiful gift and it takes a grace from God to keep it it takes courage and fortitude and temperance and we need to be encouraging those virtues in that way so after this happened right what happened to you well it was very it was obviously a life-changing moment 15 a choice that I made 15 and I wasn't sure what to do I wasn't sure I knew immediately something terrible had happened I knew immediately if something was wrong I you know emotionally was expressing that and how I felt and everything I and I got scared what would God forgive me okay I'm told that he of course he forgives us but does really can I really change and I had you know the devil being the accuser I really felt I guess and looking back on those types of temptations of Oh will you screw it up and of course my friends were almost congratulating me and oh that's so great and wonderful and I'm confused because internally I don't feel like this is something that we should be celebrating and they're saying it's no big deal and I think we're all just trying to convince ourselves that it's not a problem and I allowed that type of mentality to really come into my thinking and into the my philosophy of life and I began to think well I can't change it I can't get it back Mazal just keep moving forward and I guess just accept this life and accept this lifestyle and I began to define love in a very impure way and I defined love in a hazardous and inadequate way I defined love in a way that was a physical expression of what you do with something that love was something that your body does and that's about it were you basing this new definition of love that you had adopted on pictures in the church or things your family or friends or just that new definition of love came completely from cultural experience from my own personal experience of making my mistake and I look to culture to validate me because it did culture told me I wasn't wrong culture told me it was okay culture told me this is about being a woman culture told me that it'll be safe and fine as long as you do this this and this and if I if I Allah if I listen to culture then it it temporarily made me feel not so bad about my choices if I really wanted to be honest and to look at the truth and to seek truth I would look to see what my parents were giving me what the church was telling me and giving me as well and that convicted me and that made me change it would force me into looking at my choice in saying I listen you see the truth and you see that you're living in a lie do choose to change and it was too scary to look at the truth so I just I accepted I accepted the a false definition of love you know I accepted the imitation of love because it validates my life I made it easy but I'm all nervous to make this comparison because I can imagine a few viewers getting mad at me at my comment but it reminds me a little bit of what Martin Luther did in other words dealing with his personal guilt his personal feeling of inadequacy right and so what he does to make himself deal with that is he redefines faith in such a way that he can live with his feeling of inadequacy absolutely it's no longer how you what you do it's just having faith exactly it's all you need so you read to find love to make yourself feel better I did not want to redefine my life I wanted to redefine love and faith and it was easier to change those and to change my life absolutely and I and that's what I did I live that way for a period of 10 years a date of my life from 15 to 25 was what about church at this point oh absolutely love God still love God you see I am I I consider myself a Catholic still you know I still had my members-only car right and everything that I got I love God and I accept most of what the Church teaches which you know eight out of ten or seven out of ten still not bad that's still more than half it's pretty good I thought so it's not not not too bad you know I guess now I consider myself I I can look back on that and say that I was really in the sense of this buffet Catholic walking down that line putting a few things on my plate oh yes I love that I love God more than anything above alls I won't steal no way you know I won't do these things and I had my plate was full enough for me and I was at buffet Catholic I didn't realize that now I see this as Catholicism is not a per favore legend it's a banquet religion we're all called to sit down to the seven course meal Christ calls us all the table and I just thought what that that's a big commitment you know you say yes to that dinner and you sit down with him the seven course meal that's a lot that's a very big commitment of your life and I wasn't quite ready to change so I allowed myself just to kind of give and take a little bit still going to mass on Sundays you know when I could confession was a different story that's too convicting wasn't sure if I could do that and when I did go though I wouldn't tell the priest everything I said I wanted the priest to think well of me you know even in the confessional so you know when you're sitting in the confessional it depends it I think that's a big sign that things are not going well when you're like purposely saying well I kind of did this but only because this person to this so really so like you're trying to convince yourself that it's not a cent in the confessional so those are my experiences going on I would receive communion in a state of mortal sin because I was embarrassed to keep my butt in the pew you know I didn't want to I thought what if people know that I'm not going to communion that they will know I'm a sinner and they I can't possibly do that I want to get in line with all the saints right and going up there to communion so I want went up and that was just my life and then those things slowly became the game to become more irritating to to mean away and not in a bad way but just I just knew I wasn't authentic I wasn't doing what I said but I didn't want to face who I really was and so I sometimes wouldn't go to Mass on Sunday sir you know definitely was further and further away from the sacrament of confession of reconciliation so just kind of always leading me further and that slow fade from the faith very cuz what was important to you had grown to be important to you was what others thought of you not what God did no absolutely absolutely right I had placed the world culture of the people how people thought of me what I thought of myself way above what God thought and I validate it that with because it kind of sounds really bad you know I validate that with God is love you know God loves me I love God and I'm a good person I'm a good person you know I do lots of good things sure I'm soul a sinner and I struggle in some areas but God loves me and God is love and I'm a good person and he wouldn't send a person like me to help there's no way I mean I love him so there's no way how could he send me to hell I mean that's you know and I kind of saved myself in that way I saved myself with that type of thinking that I allowed myself to kind of keep going on again it says redefining of theology oh yeah to make you feel better about your own action for this you're the guilt the feeling so you redefine oh I had a whole new denomination it was a theology of Leah Darrow Church of Leah dare is what I went to everyday you know the what about your did it affect your your moral practice during those ten two years I mean absolutely of course it does I mean we need to find faith or do you redefine morality because hand in hand so yeah the in peer relationships kept up you know it and I just began to desensitize myself more and more away from obviously real authentic love and accept the imitation love and of course accepting the impure relationships brought about other consequences that I needed it had to deal with so fully engaging contraception cohabitation and all of those issues the lifestyle that culture supports and the vices of impurities and contraceptions and all the other things open yourself up to a whole different other world partying and drinking and all the different types of behaviors that you do on the weekends are now fully acceptable it's a part of it it just is completely a part of that so you know throughout college and it's completely going on and then after college was I get this crazy idea to audition for this TV show America's Next Top Model which fit into the frame of life you know no big deal is just something to do and and that's where things really started to roll that the but all during this time as far as you're concerned you're good Catholic oh absolutely absolutely you know I've got a great family my mother and father they're the wonderful family in church you know I've got my brothers and sisters practicing their faith too yeah we looked great we look like a cookie cutter you know I mean you just have the the six kids the mom and dad when I was home on the weekends from college where I was living I would go to Mass with them of course and I would receive Communion so they knew that I was just as good as them and you know making sure we all are okay and and you did this experience with the modeling audition during this period not after your change of heart and I oh no what was that experience like and it was a pressure in the same area from the system that you were in to it's amplified yeah it's even more so there's definitely the same pressures that we're going on my life prior were there as well but just amplified and more obvious you just kind of kind of sometimes it took you back to think about wow they they really only care about what I look like in the size of me and and this and that I mean you kind of thought that but they're making it very clear that that's exactly what's going on and when I when I auditioned for America's Next Top Model I was on season three and I got on obviously you realize really quickly the reality of reality TV you know what we as viewers watch of these shows if we watch them it's not at all what goes on behind the scenes I mean so I remember one of the big awakenings as I was on the show and we were we did a lot of filming in New York at the time we're in New York we were taken up to the Waldorf Astoria where we were living for a few weeks and we noticed quickly that all of the doors were taken off of the hinges there's no doors to the bedrooms there's no door to the bathroom we walk further into the bathroom there's no shower curtain all the cameramen or cameramen and they film you 24 hours a day seven days a week so there was a lot more film that what didn't show on TV Oh hours days weeks absolutely what we what the viewer sees on a show is 40 minutes usually with commercials on they're 40 minutes of edited footage to get that what they present on that one day once a week is around anywhere between five to seven days of footage that they've put together into 40 minutes to give you the most exciting dramatic show that they can't because it is about ratings reality TV shows are all on that so yeah it's it's they film us doing everything eating sleeping changing our clothes using the restroom showering all the things that you would want privacy from theirs remember even to this day they have reels of stuff that that nobody should what do they do with that your guess is as good as mine well but that's what they have and that's what goes on it's what they have I mean we fought for a shower curtain give us a shower curtain and at the time until they heated our requests we were holding up towels for the other girls to take a shower and there's the video camera there's the guy filming everything so what's bizarre it is I mean it became very clear to me even with my wildlife like this is a violation of human dignity I mean this is they should be doing this and we would yell at them don't stop filming out stop filming us and they can't talk to you they can't say anything and they're just continually filming everything when you signed the contract to do this right were you aware that this was going to be on your plate no was it in there I'm sure what's that like 74 page contract you know like font of size seven you know back and forth I mean it's intense you sign away your whole life there was a part we were we were reminded frequently if there was anything that we didn't want to do on the show that we signed the contract and there's a possibility to be sued for $1,000,000 and we were reminded that frequently so you're like like I guess you have to I mean you've got a lot of young girls you know Framus their big opportunities you know you're geared they're torn between do I act Lee even be on that show you have to kind of question exactly where they're at in their moral state of life I mean if you have to be honest about you have to ask this you have you have these girls that are on that show and it gets to be pretty dramatic and you are influenced so much to do what they want to do for the show the show is about you know the drama and the ratings well there's always the the rumors that in these kinds of contests the women would do whatever they needed to do to win oh yeah there's always that rumor behind that has always kind of cast a you know that kind of shade to this it's a competition and everybody wants to win so they encourage that of course they encourage those types of behaviors or opinions or attitudes and you can't be too nice because you might get stabbed in the back or somebody might try to take your spot so it just it's exhausting it's exhausting when it comes down when I was eliminated on the show I mean there's a part of me that of course I was like upset but there's a very large part that was so relieved I just thought this is crazy in if I think it's crazy living my life it's really crazy trust me I just always so happy to get out of there but of course happen to leave America's Next Top Model I wish it would have fueled me until like that moment of reversion that I had later but not quite yet so I decide I'm still going to model I'm still going to make it and so I decided to move to New York City and become a fashion model and still try to really make it big there that's a good place to take a pause we'll come back after the break and find out how all of this awakens you to the truth of our Lord Jesus in this church welcome back to the journey home I'm Marcus Grodi your host and our guest tonight is Lea Darryl am i right in the middle you've just told us about your wonderful experience the live reality show of the modeling what and you were seeing the problems with it but it wasn't quite nipping it in the bud yet not quite not quite so after America's Next Top Model I decide you know I'm still going to make it so I moved to New York and get a place in Manhattan and I'm going to make it you know I'm going to be a model and I'm still going to go for it at this point God was really slowly kind of nudging me I kind of felt like a little bit more irritation with my lifestyle my choices but I thought I could handle both I can be totally in the world and then love God I guess on the side but I didn't when I wouldn't want to admit that but I could still have I can have boats all the treasures of the world and the treasures have happened all at the same time and so I continued modeling and I did that and I was making pretty good money in New York and doing all those things and I thought I was really making it as a professional model I get a phone call from an international magazine at one point and they say hey we saw you on the show I think you did really great but we think you have something more to offer now of course I'm my ears of perking up well tell me you know tell me all that I have to offer you know some of course looking to the world looking to them to that validate me in my life and so with that they asked me to do a photo shoot for them that would be a very different look today we would use the word immodest that was not in my vocabulary at all when I heard the word modest I thought of something in my grandmother's wardrobe and I know grain and I will say my grandmother dresses wonderfully however I just thought it was something that involved you know I don't know just a little too much like old-fashioned and I don't know if I want to go there so I was completely open to this idea for a photo shoot with immodest dress I mean they use different words they use something that would be oh it's going to be hot and sexy and all these words that we see on the covers of magazines today and I thought well that sounds exciting and fun and why would I not want that so I absolutely said yes and went forward with it so I get to the photo shoot and it's a normal you know shoot so I get into hair and makeup and getting all ready and it was in that moment I don't know why God chose to make it a photo shoot but he did and it was in that moment where everything changed and I wasn't exactly ready for it in fact I could probably say that I what wasn't at least I didn't feel like I was I think God sometimes uses the surprise attack so were caught off guard so we're not readily defensive as we sometimes are and the photographer was taking picture after picture and there's this moment I was in my pose and I was wearing my immodest outfit and modeling that and the flash just came across my eyes and it was just really bright and I kind of look off to the side to blink to get the flash out of my eyes and to refocus and and in that which only lasted 30 seconds 60 seconds nothing more than a minute I'm blinking and I see this image of myself probably similar to what we this happens all the time somebody takes a picture and you you blink and you see the last image that you just saw in your mind in a way and this thing is playing inside my head and I just see myself I see myself wearing that modest outfit I'm just standing there inside my head and I have my hands cut together at my waist like this I noticed that and then immediately I just see myself raised my hands all the way up to my head and I have them cut together like that and I see them raised all the way up and and the only thing I see out but you know besides that is out and up above me I see a shadowy profile of a man's face that's it's all I see who look at my hands and then he bowed his head in disappointment and I pull my hands right back down to see what was so disappointing and and I saw exact what was in them you know it was they were they were empty there was nothing in them and that's it everything ended after that and this only lasts a few seconds and I'm blinking and I'm blinking and I kept thinking you just made that you just made that up that didn't happen that didn't happen whatever it was you saw you didn't see it I just immediately started going into that mode no no no no no every time I would say that to myself it was like I had this piercing of my heart like this is real and I just started tearing up and I realized you know if you agree with me and think that's a real spiritual moment or even if you think that's a bad ham sandwich it doesn't really matter because I knew is true I knew that what I was offering to God all the gifts and talents he had given me I was i wasted them on myself I had nothing to offer him because I did nothing for him did nothing for my neighbor did nothing it was all for Leah Darrow and I knew that was true and so in these few seconds afterwards the photographer's snapping his fingers Leah focus focus come on and III just couldn't this internal dialogue and this internal fights going on of you know this didn't happen no wait a minute yes it did this is what's going on don't you see this is your life your life is empty your life is so empty because you've wasted everything on you your life is empty because you've made you the center and I just got up I just thought I said I can't do this and he says whoa wait a minute we're almost done with the photo shoot come on you're almost done let's go and I'm like I'm not doing this anymore I'm leaving and I get up and they're having a big problem with that and I just said forget it and I changed my clothes put on line and I'm walking out and I'm leaving the shoot and the last words from someone there at the photo shoot was very cliche but he said very upset you know we're doing Tyra a favor who's the host of my TV of the show I was on we're doing her a favor for you to be on this you know you're this unprofessional you should be doing this we can get any other models in here to do this you know just finish to finish the job why can't we're almost done the picture is going to be out anyways and all these things are going on the last words he says is if you if you leave you're going to be a nobody and I remember just I literally had my hand on the door I turned on I looked at him and I just said do you promise and he just looks at me and I wasn't trying to be catty and I wasn't I was being serious I was desperate desperate I desperately needed him to promise me that I promise me will be that I'll be nobody to you promise me that you won't call me promise me you won't tempt me with another job like I can't I don't know if I'm strong enough to say no to you twice by you to say no to you now and I really at that point realized I want to be nobody to you and I want to be a nobody to this world the fact is I've made Jesus and nobody I made my faith nothing and that needs to change I want it to change I don't know how that's going to happen but I know as I need to at least accept that accept the truth of I've made the world everything and it's done nothing for me and I've made Christ and nobody and he wants to do everything for me and so I walked out I walked out of the photo shoot and they let you go they did they did they they you know I think he was I mean over the long period of time you walked out and you were done absolutely I actually had never I never received one more phone call or email or invitation I my my request was heated so yeah I i thankfully was a nobody at that point this moment of grace that you had yeah as you look back whose prayer was answered probably the the deepest part that was probably answer was truly mine I think besides that obviously my parents says one one of your mother's been o praying for you during all these novena after novena after novena i mean on her knees praying Jesus please help my daughter my dad praying absolutely but I truly think that the prayer that was the first one Julie was hurt was my own without me even maybe really praying it but this desire to do something good desire to do something great in the world and the desire to be authentic and not to do something great by the world standards but really really something good and the greatest good the good is God and it has to be done through him with him and in him and I think it was really honestly that prayer combined obviously with my parents my I have my my aunt Jan very close to her she was one of my spiritual guides in my life as well oh I know that woman was praying like crazy a lot of people I was thinking that some of our non Catholic viewers they heard there were novena what is that what is that and well the point of that is it's not your mother we just wanted to all throw up a little prayer I mean this is a period of nine days where they're dedicated to all sort when's our or the 54 day one yeah educated long period of time on their knees for you yes prayers or petitions and then prayers of Thanksgiving afterwards whether it's been answered or not by God but absolutely praying to God and asking him for his intercession for His mercy his true mercy to come down and reign upon the people you love because I we all are worthy of his justice my sins are absolutely uh but God's mercy is great and some might say well y-you know God let you into the so far why at that moment but sometimes God allows us to experience things so that we can comfort others in the midst of the same stuff yeah and God is outside of time he sees things in a much bigger picture than we do and as as at least I see now in my little scope the experience I've had my past God's used all of them and my mistakes not to show Olli is so terrible but God is so great his mercy is so big that people can come back after decades or whatever it is of being far far from God and that's a beautiful it's a beautiful example that God gives us so you walk out of there they leave you alone yep then what what you walk into well at that point literally I just walk home I don't know what else to do so I'm walking down Fifth Avenue crying like a crazy woman you know sobbing I just left my career my life and I'm not questioning that but what do I do how do I pay my bills and what's going on I mean I had real practical problems here not just you know okay what would he do with God and say viii but like okay god I realized this is what I need and I need you and I need less of me but how do I do it and so I did the only thing a girl could do in my position and you know I called my dad and I called my dad and he you know I called home and he picked up and literally the first thing I said to him is dad if you don't come and get me I'm going to lose my soul and there's this long pause and he responds with he said okay baby I'm coming to get you and my father drove almost 2,000 miles from Saint Louis Missouri all the way to Manhattan and he came when he picked me up so it was obviously we all know about the you know parable the prodigal son you know I'm just a I'm a sister God willing one day I'll be able to meet all the prodigal children of God but yeah yeah so that's what happened and my dad came and and during the time that my dad was making that trip to Manhattan at that time I fell into a deep this deep recollection and this examination of my conscience if you want to call it that and I started going back and it was like from the moment I was 15 I even knew it then things really it was that moment of accepting a poor definition of love of an imitation love and if we get that wrong Oh we'll get a lot of things wrong and that whole decade of my life going through every cent it was like this little movie was playing inside my head at every mistake I was making and I became I became scared I became desperate on that point of what what have I done my dad's coming to get me right now but will got those same fears I had at 15 will God forgive me I've done so much to offend so much so dark and I was scared and the only thing that knocked me off of that train of thought was I remember lying in my bed all curled up in the fetal position just crying and sobbing and weeping and the TV was on and it was playing in the background I wasn't paying attention to it but a reporter on the TV came on and these words jolted me out of it and he said it's official john paul ii has just died and it was that moment where I thought what like my Pope just died you know thinking I'm the only Catholic in the Catholic Church like how could you do this to me you left me you left me at the moment I need you the most I need you right now and I had the beautiful opportunity to meet John Paul the second when he came to st. Louis and just years before and this is in 2005 at this moment obviously when he died and I just I felt almost alone like Pope John Paul how could you leave me but that was that moment when things kind of started to move and shortly after my father knocks on my door and he's there and you know it all started to play out out after that and he had some very firm words for me as I opened up that door at what point during this process did you realize that your Catholic faith needs to be more than just the externals that look great but need to really be shaping and setting that the the grid for all the other aspects of your life well for me it was just I think the the comparison to the fact that when I had myself at the center or the world at the center or culture at the center or whatever it was it was nothing my life was so empty and just realizing okay truly God is the answer how does I make that happen I remember in particular reading a passage from the Bible of Christ saying you know you know whatever you do to the least my people you do unto me and I always looked at this passage of hey whatever you do to me you're going to get it you know God's going to get you you know but I realized wait a minute what I do to myself how I hurt my body my faith my heart my conscience what how I hurt myself I hurt Christ that really struck me at a moment where I realized who are you how dare you call yourself a Catholic how dare you call yourself a Christian and lead this life that can't be the same and so when my father came to my doorstep I opened up that door and I couldn't believe it I thought I was expecting to hear all right let's get in the car you know you put your mother and I through a lot of pain a lot of grief I can't believe you did this but come on we'll take you back and I was ready for that type of response and I deserved it my father opens up the door and he's got huge a smile on his face and he says I'm sorry I see you I just thought you know you're crazy this isn't happening and he gives me a hug and the proceeds to tell me how you want to do all these things in New York before before we leave and I think okay well I guess we'll just go ahead and do that that's fine and we'll pack up and go and I'm ready and he looks at me very serious and he says but first we go to confession and I just thought oh he didn't just say that you know I know I need to go but I'm so scared now because now I really got a lot to say and how do I say that because once you say it out loud and when you confess that out loud it's real when you hear yourself say I did this I have committed this sin and in this way it's real you can't hide it anymore and I think my father could see the hesitancy on my face and he says he says you know Leah you called and you said you needed to come home well I'm here to take you home and churches home and if you want to go anywhere else you can call Southwest Airlines hahaha so I clearly found myself back home looking back would you say that being a Catholic and having the graces of the sacraments through this whole time was crucial to you it continues to be yeah absolutely it was but you know clearly in my baptism in my confirmation those grace is there until me working the prayers of others supporting that you know there were a few moments in that 10 years when I try to get back on track and I can I went to confession and I received the Eucharist and the grace is there absolutely I'm without a doubt those Grace's are there and they really helped push me there the prayers of others the continual praying of that you know it really did help bring me to that point and that realization so the little that I did have was what it was still working how did this lead into we've got about five minutes left because I want to make sure how did this lead into now what's your focusing your life huh yeah so you know after I had that confession and that experience there and literally coming home literally coming home back to the Catholic Church reconciling myself and admitting okay god you were right I'm wrong help me and I came back with an absolutely renewed sense of I want to do this I'm not scared to say that I'm a Catholic I'm not scared to say that I'm a Christian and I want my life to reflect that I want to look like a Christian act like a Christian talk like a Christian all of it I want to walk the you know walk the talk and I came back and had that renewed sense I knew I needed to rehabilitate chastity in my life rehabilitate virtue in my life take up those things of being courageous of being honest of being prudent in my decisions having self-control moderation in my life that my passions can't control me I need to control them and that's what we're called to as Christians and with that in you know of those years that I spent afterwards and really rehabilitating the virtues God presented opportunities for me with the interest that I have you know my personality that got me involved and in talking about modest fashion and talking about virtue talking to men and talking to women about chastity and in 2008 I was invited to speak just randomly on the side with something small local and I I wasn't sure if I should do that but I kind of felt nudged a little bit by the Holy Spirit and I thought okay I'll do that and I was working full time and in areas of where my degrees in college so I wasn't doing this type of apostolic work but slowly and slowly it got to that point and was asked to speak a little bit more a little bit more and then by I believe 2009-2010 it was clear that God was calling me I think to full-time work and I had a choice to make okay you know basically will you work for me in this way and that's when I just took a huge leap of faith and I said okay God you know you brought me this far you're going to keep on bringing me and that's what I do now I travel the world it seems God has brought me to share that message of mercy love chastity modesty and that's what I do well God prepares us sometimes strange ways but he has a plan got an email from Amy in Texas as a youth minister I work with a lot of girls who struggle with image and self-esteem issues what can we do to help them see that they have god-given Worth and beauty absolutely that first comes into I think our identity remembering our identity should be based on how on Christ on God that he is our Creator the you know the uncreated being I mean he is that we cannot look to see who we are in the world and there has to be a distinction and we need to kind of look at those the thighs of the world especially promotes a certain type of womanhood but that's not the true womanhood that we're called to so we need to find our identity first in Christ and the constant start seeking that and understanding who we are as a woman our virtues and how we can help women I love the venerable Fulton J Sheen one of my favorite hopefully to be Saints God willing and he's got a great quote on that he talks about that the level of civilization can really be seeing the level of its womanhood and that when a woman aspires to truth goodness and beauty that men wanting to go after their hearts will also spar for those things too that we can help we ate an upward movement in our culture of true womanhood and and really redefined culture and redefined the world by that and we as women need to be brave to take up these virtues to set the bar high and not low yeah men do too absolutely it's interesting that often in our culture we use the world handicap to be applied to people that can't see you can't hear can't walk in it but sometimes a person's beauty can be a challenge for them a handicap if they don't recognize that it's a gift of God to be used for his glory and not our own absolutely and I really have a culture that rewards people for things that wasn't there it wasn't had nothing to do with them it was a gift of God to be tempted to get caught up and using it for the wrong reasons you're absolutely right there's a great there's a great line by I think it's a Gustin might be Aquinas but I think it's a guess and he says something to the fact of the beauty is a true gift from God that we all be all behold but so that it cannot be distorted so much God also gives it to the wicked and we had to be careful with that these are gifts website wwe.com that's right if they want to find out more about what you do and maybe to contact you Charles and it's le ahd a rrow com all right Leah thank you very very thank you so much bless you continued witness for him for his church and for the virtues that we're all called crazed be to God all right thank you thank you for joining us on this episode of the journey home I hope that Leah's experience and her sharing of that art encouragement to you and also you parents out there an encouragement to keep praying for those sons and daughters you never know when God might answer that prayer and bring them home god bless you see you next week Oh

Channel: EWTN

Views: 88,672

Rating: 4.8488531 out of 5

Keywords: Convert, Revert/, America's Next Top Model

Id: 78pQoOsHSaI

Length: 55min 32sec (3332 seconds)

Published: Mon Nov 26 2012