A Moment of Grace: An interview with Leah Darrow

hello my name is Lydia patch and my guest today is Leah Darrow all the way from America a format contestant on the hit TV show America's Next Top Model innocent of you Leah will be sharing with us her profound conversion story that reshaped her life and heightened her faith welcome Leah thank you thanks for having me Leah please tell us a little bit about your background and what it looked like before you got into the modeling profession yeah sure I'll always love fashion I've always been one of those girls that have enjoyed it and loved putting together a great outfit or just the colors of it and things like that however you know for me as a young girl that never really translated into I want to be a fashion model I didn't really think that wasn't a goal of mine or this type of profession I was really going after but I did love fashion I loved everything about it growing up in America with the culture around me I I in as a young girl gotten to a point where I had a choice to make when I was pretty young I was 15 years old and I had a choice to make if I was going to accept real love authentic love sacrificial love if I was going to accept imitation love and the love that is promoted through our culture in our world today and at 15 years old I made a def made a decision and I accepted that invitation love and I ended up losing my virginity unfortunately at a very young age and that greatly affected me in terms of how I saw love define love and then went after love in the future and that became that began a downhill slide away from my Catholic faith that I was brought up with and it created standards of a relationship for me that involved that type of love that I began to define love as a very physical expression of body expression that is something that you do with your body that that was love and and I neglected the real definition of it and what I was really being called to as a Christian as a Catholic to what love really was and so it created this this world for me that opened up the door to culture and to accept everything that pop culture has to offer because it supported that lifestyle and and that began just this pretty wild and crazy life so by the time I appeared on America's Next Top Model I was already pretty far from my faith pretty worldly by some people's standards and and I looked to the world to certify my happiness to find love to find success beauty all of it Fame and I looked though I looked to the world for all of those answers as we do yes we do sometimes and of course fortunately for me God have really touched my heart and and allowed me to see in a moment that change was possible and in a very special time during it in the middle of a photo shoot actually after Top Model is living in New York that did happen I had this moment of reversion yeah well in that moment you know this is a couple years after America's Next Top Model so I was on cycle 3 I was eliminated I decided to stay in New York and live in New York City to pursue modeling and to pursue that world and I and I did do that I got some modeling jobs and I was making really good money and you know my picture from the show is in Times Square and it's on the side of subways and taxicabs and you had all it's like this little Fame starting to build with it or at least being able to be recognized and you know with vanity that makes you feel very important and everything so I was and I get a phone call from an international magazine to ask me to do a photo shoot for them and it would be very different and be a different look than what I had done in the past was modeling you know they told me I had more to offer you know and I really wanted to know about that like Oh tell me more you know exactly what tell me all that I have to offer and and they said yeah well we think you can do something that's very sexy and very edgy and I just thought and for me at the time it sounded okay it was congruent with my in modest lifestyle so I went with it and I said absolutely I did the photo shoot and he was there in that photo shoot where I was in there and the photographer was taking picture after picture and this flash from the camera came across my face and I was kind of looking off to the side blinking to kind of regain my focus but in that blinking and in that drew trying to gain my focus you know I saw like this little picture of myself inside my head like we often do I guess when we see when we are I say the flash and we blink and we see the image of what we just were looking at the same thing was for me but I saw myself wearing the immodest outfit I had my hands cupped together at my waist I raised them all the way up to my forehead together this is during this this is during the shoot this lasted a few seconds did you actually see yourself doing that or did you actually do it I saw myself doing it inside my head it was like this little picture inside my head as I was blinking right in the midst of the shoot absolutely it was very quick just lasted a few seconds but I had my hands together raised them up and then I was looking out up and when I saw out and up above me was this was a shadowy face of a man's face I didn't see any features nothing like that but he had looked at my hands and then he bowed his head as if in disappointment and I pulled my hands right back down to see what was in them like what was so disappointing and and they were empty there's nothing in them and that was it that was the end of what I saw in my head and I knew it was true I couldn't I don't care people say it was a bad ham sandwich or if it was a real spiritual moment I knew it was true I knew everything that got to give me all my gifts and talents I wasted on myself I wasted on me and I just didn't want to do that anymore so I saw a really good reflection of my life and I was unhappy with it and I knew where I needed to go where I needed to turn and it wasn't to the world anymore Leah you know when you get a word inside your soul in your being there is absolutely no denying it although we do deny it I'm afraid but truly we can't deny it we know the truth of it so what did I do after that God gave me this invitation and at this point I accepted I just signed like I said I knew it was true and I knew I wanted a better life I knew I wanted to change the world and do something good in the world and what I was doing that wasn't the good thing that wasn't the best thing I could do for the world and so I walked out of the photo shoot I left and you know I did the only thing a girl could do when you were doing modeling did you have expectations and were those expectations fulfilled for me no I was never fulfilled I was never completely fulfilled I would I would have these moments where sometimes my pleasures were met at one point or the other my thoughts or ideas about the profession were met but I always felt like I wasn't good enough I always felt like there was something missing in me and I had to do something more maybe I needed to be thinner or changed this of me or change how I look here or that our act a little bit different or be this type of a girl for some people to like me to want me to book me to be a part of this campaign or this ad or get this job as a model you just know you're never good enough and you know that because every picture you take is photoshopped or edited so you're not good enough if it was good enough then the picture would have you left undone indeed it's more of a role play isn't it yeah absolutely you do and and I think for a lot of us models me we really know how to act happy we portray happiness with that great smile and whatever it is very quickly right and you look at these ads and you look at all the things going on and you just think wow like I want to be like that happy whether we subconsciously think that or not and so yeah it's a problem in that industry for us to authenticity is not regarded as something that they go after it seems and thank God for you as you can voice publicly now the truth of what it really is like right behind the scenes yeah and I think the message that I give the message that I share my story that I share is it's nothing new it's been said by a lot of people in the past people who say it today just some people maybe are scared to say it in front of a crowd or with a microphone but with God's grace and courage I'm happy to share it I'm happy to share even some of my faults so the truth about my life because I think it can speak to others to let them know that change is possible and speaking of that change no that's kind of where I was at the end of that photo photo shoot I walked out and wasn't quite sure what to do but I guess I did the only thing a girl could do you know after I walked out I went home and I called my dad oh and how did your dad react well I called my dad and I was living in New York City and my parents were living back in the state of Missouri so in the middle of the US and I called him and I just said dad you know if you don't come and get me I'm gonna lose my soul and well that's a powerful statement it was it was I said it verbatim and there's a long pause and then he just quietly said okay baby I'm coming to get you and my father drove 2,000 miles maybe something close to 5,000 kilometer some maybe something like that across the United States 24 hours of driving non-stop didn't stop and he came and he picked me up Wow Leah it sounds like your foundational faith all came to a cul-de-sac in that moment all came together and you were able to tap into that resource inside your soul I mostly took it all in I was very blessed I'm the oldest of six kids they're my best friends my brothers and sisters I have great parents I'm very blessed with that they raised us in the Catholic Church they believed you know we read the Bible quite a bit we set our rosary every night some traditional Catholic things that families do and and I really loved it I love God and I love how my parents talked about God and about how much Jesus loves us and Jesus is there for us and Jesus has saved us from our sins and I were you know I believed it and I loved it my parents are so joyful too when they talked about it like it wasn't you know anything bad or mean or anything it was they were always happy when they talked about God and so I was very blessed to have that lifestyle when I was younger and especially at the moment when I was 15 and I and I chose that imitation form of love and and and really had a hard time after that it wasn't that I rebelled it into the church I was rebelling against my own self I was rebelling against I felt so terrible about my life and my decisions and what I did do is I'm mistake I did not understand God's mercy you know people say we don't need to go to church we don't need God yeah you know I'm a good person no yes I hear that a lot in fact I I said that a lot I'm a good person and I would justify the good person with things like you know the silly things like oh well you know I'm good to other people I I'm nice to them I try to be good and help them out I use my blinker when I change lanes or I recycle kind of these silly things I'm joking a little bit but I had all these definitions of being a good person and basically I just find good in a way that justified my actions and I made myself my own final end I made myself the end all began all and I I chose not to look to my Creator as my final end and when we do that we put ourselves on a very dangerous path now I'll bring you back now to the time with your dad sorry because I felt that that was important to draw that out of there so so my my dad drives across the United States you know halfway across the US to pick me up he gets to my doorstep I'm a mess I've been weeping and crying and just really thinking about my whole life what have I done and I've left my career I walked out on this photo shoot I'm done I'm not going to do this anymore and I chose that and I won that but but what was I gonna do and so my dad gets to the front door you know and the first thing he says and what he looks like he's got the biggest smile on his face and he says I'm so happy to see you I just thought you're crazy protocol dolt oh yes exactly exactly I just thought how could you be happy to see me and I was expecting him and thought I deserve for him to get to the front door and say you're such a screw-up what's wrong with you you've disappointed your mother and I come on let's go home and I thought I deserved that but maybe in a way I guess I I guess I did but my father did such a beautiful job and he really reflected the love of God the Father and he just looked at me and he just says you know I love you and I'm happy to see you I'm happy you're coming home and I was I was all ready to go and I said okay dad well let's go and I was getting my bags and we're ready to leave and he says okay okay but first we're gonna go to confession and for Catholics that's this is how we reconcile ourselves with God we go to confession and I thought oh boy I don't know if I can do it and my dad saw the hesitancy in my face and he just said Leah you called and you said you needed to come home well I'm here to take you home and church his home Leah how did you feel after confession what was that like for you oh it had been years I had been at least two years since I had been at confession and if I went to confession before that I wasn't giving God everything I wasn't confessing all of my sins to God only the ones that I felt comfortable saying as if you didn't know right right exactly so it had been at least a couple years since I've been at it since I've been to confession which was way too long and it was very difficult and the priest was very good and keeping me focused and helping me through the process to give all of my sins to Christ and any I can still I can still feel that feeling as I walked out I mean I remember I always feel like I was at war with myself like I always felt a little heavy a little little down you know like there's bricks on top of my chest a little bit like I never really felt free I never had that freedom I didn't have that joy and I walked out of the confessional and I honestly actually felt lighter I locked out I just thought this is how it's supposed to be I just couldn't believe I gave God ten years of my life at that point of all of my sins all of all of my pain all my suffering every dark thing I just wanted to scoop it out of my heart and just give it to Christ and he took that he forgives us he forgave me and he gives me compassion mercy and peace and it's a pretty good deal if you asked me it sounds like you came out to the catwalk of your own life absolutely absolutely it's right especially for my modeling background you you walk a runway right you walk up and down and it's over but truly the spiritual life is the spiritual life really is a runway of life where you're walking and room and just as you can kind of maybe look at this of the with the catwalk or with the runway it's a it's a narrow it's a narrow up space and that is the spiritual life it's saying no to the wide road and getting on the path of the straight and narrow road so now you've turned away and come back to God what's your identity what's your true purpose oh my first and foremost identity is a child of God that I am his that he is there for me he is my father that he has sent us His Son Jesus Christ to suffer and die for us and for our sins and has saved us by his precious blood that is my identity no matter what I do in my profession or what I do every day that is Who I am and I was purchased at a price and He loves us and he's calling us all home and calling us all home to him to God our final end and so I I see my that's how I see myself that is my identity of who I am and the work God has given me to do and understanding that identity more and and then the work that he's done in my heart to heal my wounds from my past seems to be what I'm doing now one of my the new vocation that I've started with with Christ and with God is I got married two months ago I know and I've just met your gorgeous husband yes he is gorgeous he's wonderful and and that's also my identity as I'm a child of God and I'm also a wife and I love my husband and he wants my greatest good you know he really loves me he wants me to be good he wants me to be holy he wants me to be a saint one day and so you know that's also Who I am I'm also a wife and I'm so proud of that and and then on top of all that God's given me great work to do even with my husband to of spreading this message of conversion and mercy of modesty of chastity of real love of that we can say no to the world and yes to God and be happy and joyful so Liam what would you say to those people out there who are looking for a loving relationship yeah sometimes we can be in a sense a little too desperate we have to look everywhere in every place for somebody we have to find somebody because in a sense we see our identity with the relationship or the person so once it's gonna have to come back to figure out okay who are you who is your identity like how do you see yourself honestly and when it's ordered well and it ordered right and lining with God and makes other things a little bit easier I mean a message to guys and girls out there I speak a lot to women co-ed as well but a lot to women and we all have like this dream guy that we think of right mr. right yes and so we always think of mr. mr. right and he's usually when we think of him we always describe him as this virtuous man this man who who who practice virtue who practices virtue who's strong who's honest who has Hillary right he has good manners he takes care of us provides for us he's smart he's intelligent he's does charity work he does all these things he's a virtuous man right this guy is not hanging out at the clubs this our mr. right is not there and the funny thing is we want this mr. right we want to marry this mr. right well then he's not looking for some girl at the clubs mr. right is looking up and out for that great girl a woman who's gonna know who she is know her Worth and know her virtue and be proud of it I'm proud to say yeah I'm waiting for real love see I'm worth real love I'm worth a love that is going to last forever not just to you know fulfill my base pleasures for a few minutes and so I'm gonna hold onto my dignity a practice of purity and that so these these mr. right guys these these dream guys of ours that we so want to be with they're looking for their dream girl they're mrs. right girl and so we have to raise the bar we have to raise the bar especially for us ladies to say okay we need to raise the standards of who we are and what we expect of ourselves and of others and then live according to that you work within fashion within the Catholic Church is that right at all um well I have I have worked with an organization called pure fashion before in the past which is a great organization it's um it's in the US and other parts of the world as well it promotes purity modesty and chastity rawr actions words and dress and it targets young ladies in high school age so I have worked in the past with them and it's been really wonderful I also speak just plainly on talks on modesty the faithful fashionista as I coined the phrase chastity purity and how it's all connected together so it's been a it's been a really wild ride but I love it could you please define what modesty and chastity is in the language that you're using it in absolutely so chastity is a moral virtue and it's underneath the cardinal virtue of temperance so temperance is one of the four cardinal virtues and it has something to do with moderation self-control I think we all can agree we need a little bit more self-control in this world okay so chastity fits underneath that and chastity is knowing our sexuality and fitting it to the right state in life whether we are single or married or consecrated or a priest that chaste II can be seen in all of that and it's incorporating and integrating our sexuality with our spiritual being as well okay it also as a society definition to chaste II it is it is is refusing to let our base pleasures and desires control us is that we are in control of them and they are not in control of us so we we need not be making decisions only on our feelings so whatever feels right or feels good that you know God did come Christ had come to take away our sins and he he died for that he's not come to take away our brains we need to use them and be smart about that and modesty is a way that we can practice chastity MA in fact John Paul the second and his book love and responsibility has a great quip he's got a line that says modesty is the guardian of chastity so modesty is one of the expressions of it modesty is not just about dress not just about fashion but also about our words our speech and our behaviors and actions and it is it is in terms of fashion it is veiling what always should remain hidden Lia we've run out of time but I just want to say thank you so much I feel so privileged and so honored and so fortunate to have met someone like you in my life and to have a one-on-one discussion with you about your sacred ground was just amazing thank you and in my humble view Lia your message of hope and encouragement in today's pop culture or head mystic culture is timely and desperately needed and I for one want to salute you for responding to God's call in your heart actually it and being such an exemplary model of the virtuous messages that you are giving out to our world today Thank You Leah thank you so much

Channel: Catholic Archdiocese of Melbourne

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Length: 23min 20sec (1400 seconds)

Published: Tue Sep 18 2012