The Grover Family's Adoption Story

so I'm Jennifer Grover this is my son Jeffrey I'm in sixth grade I'm 11 this is Michael he is also 11 years old and this is Joshua who is 15 I'm James and this is our daughter Emily I'm 18 I'm currently attending Brigham Young University I'm a pre animation major their daughter Lauren I'm 14 years old and I'm in eighth grade and we're missing brie who's 16 she should be here about this area Briana is at marching band it's marching band season and so we don't get to see her very often yeah we are missing three other people Jacob his birthday was just this week he would have been 10 and Joseph and Bronson Bronson is 7 and Joseph is 14 and they are in the Democratic Republic of Congo about 15 years ago our oldest was four and then we had a two year old and a 9 month old and I just started feeling very much that there was a little girl that was supposed to be in our family that was not going to come through us biologically and that we needed to go find her I had lived and traveled kind of all over the world I grew up in the military and I had come to love different cultures and countries and people and I very much wanted to bring that into our family and into our home and so as James and I started talking about it and moving we knew nothing about adoption we knew nothing about international adoption so it was a step-by-step process to figure out what the next step was how we went about adopting and bringing home a child from from across the world as we started looking into different countries we talked with other people we talked with adoption agencies we went to the NIS for our fingerprints with one country in mind and as we spoke with that officer we came away with two things and one was that we really needed to talk with our younger children about this before we moved forward and the other was that the direction that we were going with the country was not right for us there was another country that we were supposed to to look at so we went home we took our children to the park and we just started talking with them and playing with them and emily was four at the time and we said to her we have found out that there's a little girl across the world that doesn't have a mommy and daddy and without any hesitation Emily said I know why don't you go get her and bring her to our family and you can be her mom and dad and that was our answer and it has just been easy with our kids ever since as we've added to our family through adoption they have embraced all of their siblings regardless of how they came to our family I've had the experience being the oldest through all of these adoptions you know I've gotten to remember most of them I don't remember tons of details of Laurens but I remember lots about Jacob and Michael's one of the biggest things that sticks out to me is remember when we were still in the process of adopting Jacob we had a video of him and my mom and the family were all watching it the family room I remember one day when we were watching my mom comes and stand next to it she goes how can you love someone so much that you've ever met and that's just that kind of envelops the whole feeling that I have towards adoption just that you can love someone so much and realize how much how important they are to your family and I'm just so grateful that I've gotten to experience that it's a different way of bringing home assembly it's just like if your mom came home with baby from the hospital it's just like that except they're a little older and from a different place so that's just my view on it well I really think adoption is nice because um I think it cuz children who don't have parents I think that that's kind of a really sad thing I feel like they're my actual siblings and um I also really like it because um Michael and Jacob they were really cute and I were and I really like so much my brothers I'm gonna be sharing a room with Bronson and I kind of I'm really excited for that and Bronson I was like the biggest smile ever some of the things that were interesting with Lauren Lauren our first adopted child at that point we hadn't we'd had one miscarriage that hadn't really been a part of our of our lives we had all of our children biologically and so when we started the adoption process for Lauren that was an interesting thing because it wasn't really something that we discussed or talked about before we felt really strongly that she was out there and then we needed to go find her during that time period while we were in the process of adopting her we had all kinds of things go wrong um she always will with adoption expect the unexpected job loss Jennifer became pregnant we subsequently ended up losing that that child but as we were going we just kept feeling like you know are we still supposed to do this we couldn't deny that yeah she's out there we need to go find her and so as thing came one after the next we just knew we had to go get her so we finally knew that she was in Kazakhstan and so when we had come through the orphanage they didn't want the American parents to see the children that were sick so they had taken her to a back room and when they thought we were through they had brought her out so Lauren and this other girl were in the same crew the the löwe girl that we were drawn that we were drawn to that we knew we had to meet she was Lauren's crib mate and that was the connection there and as soon as I saw Lauren there she is and it was an instant love and connection just a recognition she was ours and so we were with it with her an orphanage for two weeks and then we went to court and then we were required to leave the country for a legal waiting period while they placed her information in the newspaper to see if there were any Kazakh citizens that would like to disrupt the adoption and adopt her as if anybody stepped forward from Kazakhstan then it would stop our adoption and we wouldn't be the day we left was very difficult not only where we do we know we were going to be away from her for several weeks but I could tell something was not right and that she was not feeling well so that was very very difficult to leave her and what was supposed to be two weeks ended up turning into six weeks because she and the other children in the orphanage had chickenpox and the orphanage was put on a quarantine and no one was allowed to come or go and that was very difficult as we were trying to get information on her well-being how she was we were told very very little and we were up at his grandmother's funeral on a Friday and we got the call saying you better be in Moscow on Monday because she'll be waiting at the Embassy in Moscow and and you need to be there to meet her so she was taken to the Moscow Embassy and James flew to Moscow I stayed with our younger children at the time we a little something that's interesting with that call just to give you an idea of the kind of things you have experienced they said we hadn't given you any updates because we wanted to wait until we knew something final a definite a definite that's what it was and we asked what definite was and I guess it was whether or not she was going to survive so gotten there they have you told us and we didn't even know that she was very ill and so I guess they were waiting to see if she was going to survive so that was interesting she gotten very ill innate and they did not have the resources to take care of the children so she had fevered quite badly and it had caused some some brain damage as well and so he went to Kazakhstan and or excuse me Moscow picked her up took her through the embassy and then came home with her and she looks so different from having been sick I thought he brought the wrong child home she really thought I brought my mom because she she was 10 months and she could barely hold her head up um Jimmy grant towns yeah she would ten pounds the experience coming home from from Moscow just we were both covered and in bodily fluid because she couldn't keep anything in either end and so we went that whole trip with just constant cleaning up because she had some pretty severe health issues that need to be taken care of um then you realize it was her yes only took a few seconds but yes this is our baby so Lauren and I have talked a lot about her birth parents we've talked about your birth parents haven't we we've we've talked about how she had to come through another woman because she had to have her beautiful dark hair and beautiful brown eyes and she wasn't going to get that from okay dad and I so she needed to come come a different way but we talked about how much her birth mother must have loved her to give her the opportunity to come to our family ish it just seems really cool that I just started with the whole adoption you started it all so then how we found our others so then we had we lost five babies in total through pregnancy various stages throughout the pregnancy that was very difficult and we had Jeffrey he was kind of our little miracle Jeffery born after Lauren yes he was he was biologically ours and so he was born after Lauren and then we lost several several more and then I just started getting that feeling that it was though it was time again and that there were more and so one day I was doing laundry and I got the distinct feeling that it was time and it was time now I told James he came home and I said I have someone I want you to meet and I showed him Jacobs picture and and it was it was a go it was from there and and as as Jacob has trisomy 21 so we were he was in China but the process was much faster because the fact that he has trisomy 21 and special needs so we didn't have quite as long to wait there as many other people experience when adopting start to finish for his adoption because he was especially needed option was nine months one of the things that was really difficult with Jacob during his adoption we were close to the time that we were supposed to go travel and we received notification that Jacob was extremely ill and then we received notification that he seemed to be paralyzed on one side of his body and that we were not allowed to travel that was late our suitcases were literally by the front door yeah so we were ready to go and then they called and told us you can't come and then they went into Chinese New Year and we couldn't get any information on him we didn't even know if he was if he was surviving if he was alive we just knew that he was apparently paralyzed on half of his body it's better when you do this um they asked us if we still wanted to adopt him there's a crazy thing it's just a strange question of course we did we just want him home so anyway we waited for more information thinking that he would come home paralyzed down the entire side of his body but then he started to recover they didn't really know at the time what had happened with him and so it wouldn't be until later when he came back that we found out he had a disease called moyamoya disease that affects the vascular ization of his brain but he had had had suffered a small stroke and it had affected part of his body but he regained a lot of his the left side of his body he remained weak with his left hand and had some ongoing issues with that he came home and within a month was in brain revascularisation surgery but i think that's actually one of the toughest things about international adoption is your child is so far away and you have very little information on their well-being and it's really hard to get that and then when you find out that they're not well that's that's really tough when we went to go pick up Jacob they introduced us to Michael who also had trisomy 21 they were best friends in the orphanage and Michael had always taken care of Jacob the orphanage workers told us that he was like a big brother so we came home and immediately started his adoption these two little boys needed to be forever brothers and Michael needed to come to our family and we're so grateful that he found us we didn't find him he found us and that's been an incredible experience after Jacob had been home almost three years he had had brain revascularization surgery on one side and things look stable on the other side but the doctors felt like they needed to wait before doing any surgery until his veins were a little bit stronger and bigger and he in December on December 12th of 2013 he suffered a massive stroke and three days in intensive care and brain surgery everything they could do wasn't enough and on December 15th he passed away and it's been a very difficult 18 months he was our glue he held our family together in ways that no one else could and he was our sunshine and to have him gone is very very difficult Jacob brought light into all of our lives and I couldn't even begin to describe to you Jacob's the family favorite all the brothers and sisters everybody Jacob is is the favorite and he brought just such intense light into our lives one of the things that I would tell you about the adoption process is there are things that can be amazing challenges amazing pain losing Jacob I can't begin to describe waiting for Joseph and Bronson to be able to come home I can't describe that pain but I will say that the joys that are associated so outweigh that there they're just a huge order above I would go through everything we've gone through with Jacob a million times over to have the years that we had with that beautiful beautiful boy with Joseph and Bronson once again I started about three and a half years ago getting that feeling it's time it's time again there's there's two boys that are supposed to be yours and I had been getting emails I just felt like I supposed to open this one email in particular and usually it goes to the profile of that child when you open that email and when I opened that email it went to a page that had about six little boys pictures on it and when I saw Bronson's picture I knew instantly that he was ours James was at work and I didn't even call or tell him I before I even got him out of bed I had sent our information to the adoption agency saying he's ours Matt just match us and and they did which was very lucky that the timing worked out because that afternoon he his picture was featured on a newsletter that went out and the agency was flooded with with calls but he was ours and he was matched there was no going back and it was just about a day or two later that we saw pictures of the other children in the orphanage and that's when we saw Joseph and knew that he was he was our son as well he was the second one that's supposed to be part of our family and we started that adoption process we were through court in about six months they have been legally ours now for with an adoption decree for about two and a half years in the Democratic Republic of Congo but about four months after we received our adoption decree and we were waiting for the u.s. to process their investigation and their US visa the DRC placed an exit permit suspension on for adopted children and so they have been waiting for two years with that suspension on to come home and that's been extremely difficult that's probably one of the things that I've mentioned that's very difficult with international adoption there are many things that we've talked about that we consider be a blessing like the fact they have other cultures that you bring in and just different experiences you have there one of the things that's also nice is that once they're adopted and in our family we don't have to worry too much about things being undone you hear about that with domestic adoptions things being revisited but one of the biggest challenges is you have other governments involved and certainly with our oldest boys meaning our most recent adoptions that has been an enormous challenge because there's very little although the US government has been very involved there's very little that they can do and we're kind of at the mercy of another government to let our boys come home and we've been waiting over two years now there's something interesting with waiting for Joseph and Bronson two years like I said it it's brutal I don't even know how to describe that well I'm at that time for processing and we've we've been working on their adoption just under three years it'll be three years in a month it's always been difficult as as Jennifer indicated before you love your child as soon with Lauren we loved her before we knew how to face I mean what you did it's hard to explain I guess it's a lot like loving a child who's who's still during pregnancy but we love Joseph and Bronson having just the idea of them and seeing their pictures but then we went over on this past January and I've helped my boys I've held them in my arms and it's so difficult but they're my boys they're my sons there's no way you can give up that is one thing that is very common with adoption in general but specifically at International Adoption is you need to expect the unexpected we have not had an adoption yet where there has not been something unexpected take place as you know we've mentioned before job loss pregnancy illness issues with our government or other governments there's always something that will take place and it's very easy to become discouraged and but don't it works out okay in the end the end it really works out the most difficult part definitely the waiting the other weddings right angel waiting not having very much information that part's really hard also the lack of control there isn't anything at least in my life that's more important to me than my wife and my children and to have so little control over my children's lives and their protection and their safety where they're maybe halfway around the world that's that's really brutally difficult mm you have to give up some of that control that and that is a very difficult thing to do as a parent you also have to be willing to open your lives up for investigation to social workers to adoption agencies to government's yours and other government entities and you will be providing a lot of your personal information we've joked that I think it'd be easier to get top secret clearance something it is to get permission to adopt internationally because of the amount of information that you give up by yourself yes one thing that I wish that we had known a little bit more before we adopted Lauren that we kind of were blindsided with was attachment and bonding issues I was under the mistaken impression that the younger a child was that the less likely that they would have issues with attachment of bonding and we found out that was not the case and we were kind of blindsided with some tough attachment and bonding issues when Warren came home she had bonded with us very well while we were in orphanage and then when we had to leave her and she got so sick she went through some rebound and meant issues and then had some cognitive disabilities as a result from her illness so when she came home it was very difficult for her to bond with us and so as we were learning about her and researching and trying to find books and information available for adoptive parents on it attachment tests attachment disorders that was a that was a dark difficult time it was really hard nobody had really told us about I'm like reactive attachment disorder and so we would take things personally um Lauren when she came home she would cry and scream when we would hold her and she would stop if we put her down and then eventually she got to where she would even prefer that's one of the things that goes with your active attachment disorder she prefer other people over primary caregivers and so that was difficult cuz you take it personally you think what am I doing wrong I'm giving you all my love and you don't seem to want to be around me we would even when we when she would eat at night we would have to put her plate down and not make eye contact with her because if we made eye contact she would scream and so it took a lot of time and love and we would just we finally without anybody really giving us guidance on it because we didn't know about it now I think the information is more available but we just decided we're just going to love her regardless of whether she wants it or not and so we'd hold her and she'd scream and cry and now she's a cuddle bunny I mean she loves to be held in things but it took a long time to get through that when a baby cries in their in their initial year they're crying because they need something and when that cry is met with a primary caregiver feeding them or changing their diapers or holding them or giving them whatever they need attachments are formed and when a baby cries and nothing is done to help them with their discomfort or address the issue of why they're crying they start to sever that need for anyone else to take care of them and they turn into themselves to take care of themselves and that is why they feel very threatened when someone then comes on the scene and wants to be the primary caregiver and I didn't understand that and so I did I took it very personally I loved her with my whole heart and I felt like she didn't love me back and that was very hard and it we went to therapy we found therapists we read books um one of the other things that I would mention is also be very careful to never lose hope in the face of whatever anybody else might tell you with Lauren as Jennifer mentioned she suffered some some cognitive challenges because of the illness that she had and she was once we were once told that she might eventually be able to identify colors I think that was the extent know her alphabet and count to ten that was the height of what she would ever grow to be able to do well you've seen Lauren she's great in school she has all kinds of interests and talents and certainly it would have been easy to give up and just accept that but Jennifer you know as made sure to work there and I know no one can fight more for a child than the mom and and you have to recognize the potential that your child has and fight for them and then with a team of teachers and administrators and just really wonderful people who have loved Warren she is doing beautifully and we can't imagine life without her without any of our children with each child that has come home you you have your you anticipate what to expect when they come home and then they come home and you can just throw that all away because it's when they come home they have their own unique set of circumstances their own needs with Jacob we thought we were adopting a fight girl than we were but Jacob was more like a toddler and so he came home and there was massive baby proofing that needed to take place he was very active that was a different experience when you have when you have biological children they slowly start adding abilities and being illegal around the house and say okay I need to put something on that cabinet suddenly we had a child with all these physical abilities but his cognitive level he was into everything we had to instantly re baby-proof our house he was known as a more active one in the orphanage yes oh but we told him was child that was he said oh the more active one yes Georgie and I wouldn't have had him any other way when when James and I got married we talked when we were engaged we talked a lot about what we want on our family to look like and I had pictured seven children they would all look like him and you know very similar a boring family photo a beautiful family photo but that is not the family photo that we were supposed to have and our family photo looks so different and I ever envision it looking and I wouldn't change it a bit it's perfect is perfect you

Channel: Grovernment

Views: 231,197

Keywords: family, adoption, international adoption, children, Democratic Republic Of The Congo (Country), China (Country), Kazakhstan (Country), parenting, Parents, Grover

Id: Fb6uxFbKncU

Length: 26min 32sec (1592 seconds)

Published: Thu Nov 19 2015