THE DARK SHARK OR "HOW TO SNEAK BOOZE INTO CHINESE BASKETBALL GAMES"

do you guys smell that i know i do that's the shack tank first game i've been able to make it to all season the mormon megalodon german fidet has sadly swam over to greece but we got some fresh imports and we got fresh hopes of winning a cba championship i am amped up let's go inside and have some fun [Applause] i was excited to be back in the shack tank and heckling opposing players you suck jalen reynolds [ __ ] jaylen reynolds thinks he's marco polo two years in the italian league and then he comes down to china jalen dior marco polo may have discovered pasta but he was a [ __ ] basketball player oh my god he was playing the italian second tier league you suck reynolds but there seemed to be a dark cloud hanging over this season not only had jimmy fadet abandon the sharks to play in the greek league look at the more the mega dogs on mount olympus right now we're getting their ass kicked we were also missing the heart and soul of the team our center zhang jiao shu aka the human shoelace unfortunately shoeways you can x him out he went down in a freak squatting accident preseason i think he broke his back i'm not even joking i don't know what's up with him but he's definitely not on the court right now if the shacks even wanted to sniff the playoffs our newest recruits donatus montejunus and james nanali would have to play lights out despite once having the lowest player rating in nba 2k james did show signs of greatness but overall him and the shacks weren't exhibiting any of the magic they had in the past and to make matters worse when i visited my concession girls at halftime to drown my sorrows and beer and fanta hey balboa oh hong joubu jen i'm back i bet you didn't think i was coming back i received news that shook me to my core song hello [Music] i don't want a mix of water i want to mix in three beers in a fantasy bao and the rest of the concession girls have been supplying me with beers and fanta for as long as i've been a shacks fan [Music] and now that alcohol was banned i was left with no booze and no hope where are you oh yeah i'm just gonna drink six waters it doesn't taste the same without beers why would the management want to put the kibosh on that it was a profitable business i was getting like close to [ __ ] six million beers a season oh i'm sorry okay okay would you dial business but i'll tell you what the shacks are on my shitlist [Music] shanghai sharks [ __ ] list we created so many memories over beers if you think about it there's a beautiful friendship between us and it wouldn't have happened without three beers and a fanta but it's not going to happen just over a fanta now that you're not selling beer this might be the last time that i ever see you so i just want to say goodbye it didn't have to end like this [Music] the shanghai sharks organizing committee more or less just murdered my mom how about you start selling beers again and then we might win a game you ever think about that but i wasn't about to spend the rest of the season soberly watching my team lose in horrific fashion let's go sharks so at the next game i taped a bunch of beers to my stomach to determine just how serious security was about this alcohol ban oh no how do you get this off i wrapped this like five times i don't know i don't know how to get this off hold up do you guys do you guys have like scissors i remember when being a shanghai shark used to stand for something it turns out pretty serious plus the cop grabbed my girlfriend for filming me she pushed back get off stop where it was clear that if i wanted to get booze into the shack tank i'd have to be a little more creative so i ordered veterinarian syringes bought a bunch of fruits and vegetables and injected them full of vodka a piece of fruit is not gonna set off the metal detectors at the shark tank i'm gonna juice this bell pepper up with 20 cc's of absolute oh there it goes you can fit a lot of vodka in a bell pepper honestly right now i would just be on my way to the shock tank the hanging out front probably having a few pregame beers but no i got to spend my time shooting up fruit and vegetables with all my produce hovering around 60 proof it was time to put my plan to the test all right so it turns out they have a no outside food policy which means most of my fruit was just confiscated at security no it's i i need i need my vegetables but i was able to shove a green pepper down my pants and all you got to do is bite a little hole in the top break out the fanta and this probably has like at least like six nips worth of vodka it wasn't glamorous i got [ __ ] bell pepper seeds in my [ __ ] phantom but i'd found a way to get buckled in the shack tank quite honestly it's pathetic but it works however just because i was now getting my buzz on at games didn't mean the shacks were too this is the season from out as evident by the fact i'm drinking vodka out of a [ __ ] vegetable the shacks was sleep walking through games i feel you man the shanghai sharks are putting me to sleep this season too and our coach was starting to panic he cut james denali after only a few games and replaced him with a dude named ray mccullough was he the savior the shack so desperately needed let's go ray maybe so because for the first time all season we were playing hungry [Music] by the fourth quarter the sharks were only down by three and the green pepper was empty this is when things get really sad once the bell peppers out of vodka you're just gonna start eating it the only upside to drinking booze out of a vegetable is that the nutrients counteract the toxicity of the alcohol the shacks fought back ferociously the last 10 minutes i need more jamaican air horns and with only seven seconds left we're up by two not for long though as on the next play they let one of the qingdao eagles take a wide open three how am i not surprised dude the sharks had one more chance to score but on the inbound pass launched it to the [ __ ] moon i mean there's a little bit of humor in how much we suck and it looked like my hopes of witnessing my first shocks victory of the season were shattered but then with only 1.9 seconds left i witnessed the most amazing sequence of events i've ever seen on a basketball court [Applause] ray managed to intercept the qingdao pass and get fouled and with only 0.3 seconds left on the clock he would shoot 2. [Applause] he drained both of them and the shacks had secured a w [Applause] let's go let's welcome the manta ray to the shark tank baby it was up there as one of the most electric games i had ever watched at the shark tank get out the way get up get out the way yeah get out the way get the [ __ ] up up away yeah but drinking vodka out of a bell pepper just wasn't the same as three beers and a fanta nobody likes getting vodka drunk i'm gonna be so [ __ ] sloppy tomorrow i'm probably just gonna have to call in sick it's a good thing i work from home but i'm not gonna get [ __ ] done tomorrow and i had no plans of doing it again at our next home game where we'd be playing our arch rivals the beijing ducks who had recently acquired jeremy lin a game this important called for 3b isn't a fanta and i could only think of one way to smuggle them in you gotta get three beers in this baby actually you only gotta get really one beer on the baby because i'll have a beer in each breast that's right once again i'd be going to the game in full drag i mean my boobs almost fill this thing that's concerning however this time i wouldn't be disguising myself as a young trashy broad named tanya i just gotta go take my tampons out you ever try any white meat this time i'd be going as a trashy single mother also named because it just so happens that two boobs and the baby all right are the perfect cover for smuggling three beers into a basketball game just gotta throw on a dress some makeup and a wig and we can often attacks these boobs are enormous hey how are you kids oh sure let's go sharks all right here goes nothing i got little ricky all swaddled up this is going to be a big game this game is going to determine my fandom if they lose to the ducks here i just don't know if they have time for the sharks in my life anymore bannon boos assaulting my girlfriend just because she films me or i guess i should say my boyfriend because i'm all right i got to get into character right now from here on out i am tanya this is little ricky and we're just going in to watch a game i like crushing hoots and i like drinking beers but they don't need to know that until after i pass through security then i'll start [ __ ] slurping beers at a little ricky's ding-dong i made it through security and little ricky did too i can't tell if i'm sweating my tits off or if just one of the beers is leaking and that's why my tits are sweating and with the shocks off to a commanding two-point lead i didn't see any reason not to dump out my first hit so once it hit my lips i realized how much i had missed jugging beers in the shark tank and couldn't resist ripping little ricky's head off for some more of that sweet sweet nectar oh yeah we're in business baby everything was going to plan which meant i can now focus on the most important task at hand [ __ ] the ducks heckling the [ __ ] out of jeremy lin hey jeremy i saw your press conference you were crying oh the nba doesn't want me anymore i've hit rock bottom in english there's a saying and it says once you hit rock bottom the only way is up but i rock bottom just seems to keep getting more and more rock bottom for me oh yeah you've hit rock bottom buddy you're worth millions of dollars you got an nba championship ring you've inspired millions of asians around the globe not to mention you gotta have a degree to fall back on look at me i'm drinking [ __ ] beer out of a baby skull you merely adopted rock bottom i was born in it molded by it i didn't have any dignity till i was 30 and by then it was clearly too late [ __ ] the ducks lynn sanity was a long time ago buddy welcome to lynn competence these guys are cheering for both teams beijing shanghai the shack tank was infested with beijing fans i like germany don't let all these fans go to your head because the moment you stop delivering they're gonna throw you in the dumpster just like they did with marberry but i didn't care jeremy was playing like a lame duck he knows how to play a massive square garden but you get him in the shark tank his knees are shaking and the beers were flowing down the hatch all right i'm two beers down i still got my right tip you always got to save the right tip for the third or fourth quarter oh my god it's a tie game right now [Music] i mean no one's going to believe you it's donnie i needed to conserve the rest of my booze for the fourth quarter so figured in the meantime i'd check in on baobao for old time's sake and grab a phantom hey come over here no i'm just joking i'm pumping it full of booze foods saying goodbye to baobao was especially hard this time you are a positive force in this world i just want to say it to you because i knew that if the shacks couldn't devour the ducks in the second half it very well could be the last time our pass would cross you can have the head a little ricky it's a token of my appreciation okay that's a big if though what i need so i went back to my seat determined to do whatever i could to ensure that the ducks didn't leave the shack tank alive i will haunt your dreams jeremy i'll see you in your bathtub after the game yeah you come home i'll be on the top waiting [Music] welcome to the jungle jeremy when accurate when accurate i was disgusted by all the people from shanghai who showed up to the shack tank just to dick ride the ducks how dare you show up in the shack tank and start cheering on the beijing dogs basketball is warfare no here give the [ __ ] about the shocks everyone's just here to see jeremy list show some [ __ ] pride shanghai the only thing stopping me from having a full-blown meltdown was a quick trip to the bathroom i am officially titles [Music] but when i got back to my seat it was still an uncomfortably close game we are up by one holy [ __ ] seven minutes left by the power of little ricky you will not make this shot all out of bounds out of [ __ ] bounce oh i still got some remnants oh yeah that's gonna give me cancer let's go sharks my god we might win this game i did not expect that why do you just let him in there's a minute left you just let him in for that but to match the tone of this season we started playing like minnows in the final minutes don't look now little ricky but it looks like uh the sharks might lose the ducks in the shark tank for the first time in like six years and with 13 seconds left we were trailing by two and it was beijing's ball the shot gods tried to throw us a bone though and on the inbound pass the ducks got called for a five-second penalty yeah [ __ ] the ducks giving us one more chance at salvation two-point game 12 seconds the manta ray got fouled driving to the basket [Applause] he's [ __ ] calling the toes and just like last game he would have a chance to save us from the jaws of defeat with less than a second on the clock these guys are [ __ ] their tail feathers i'll tell you who's not scared little ricky make the shot i never said this was a [ __ ] fairy tale though all comes down to foul shots and he missed the goddamn free throw sealing our fate how do you miss those [ __ ] fell shots right and sending our aspirations for the season down to the marianas trench i give you a chance to become a legend in the cba and you [ __ ] blew it duck wouldn't be on the menu that night but i'm sure they'd be eating shaq fin soup up in beijing [Music] hey rick you know what we're gonna start calling people from shanghai for the ducks pond skunk it's called pride maybe one day you'll learn about it until then pond scum as the patriots say do your job i did my job i got three beers and a fanta inside the shark tank when they bamboos did anyone else do their job no did shox fans do their job no i met a bunch of people from shanghai inside here tonight rooting for jamie lynn because oh they're a jeremy fan that is [ __ ] kobe oh [ __ ] i'm a lefty all the joy excitement and drunken revelry that normally comes with being a shacks fan had been slowly sucked out of me throughout the season [ __ ] little ricky and now in its place came agony shame and darkness you were the chosen one you were supposed to save the sharks that abandoned us no the jolly drunk man who'd stand by the shocks through thick and thin was dead you and the sharks have left me with absolutely nothing and out of his corpse crawled a new creature a being clad in black and consumed by despair [Music] a dark shack [Music] [Applause] [Music] that's a lovely lovely wall [Music] shanghai take control take control of your basketball team this is the instrument of your intoxication and they have taken it from you now i come here not as a packer but as a liberator and shanghai's reckoning here to end the prohibition you have all been living under above me you'll see a giant inflatable shack that used to symbolize drinking 3b as a factor and heckling the opposing team but now they say we can't do that don't worry my people together we will bring the balls back put lips in your pockets shove beers down your dread drink out of a [ __ ] vegetable if you have to the shout take is yours do what you please no one will stop you [Music] it was just a dream but sometimes reality is the real nightmare while i was back in the u.s for new year's a pandemic broke out in china which then spread around the globe killing millions of people canceling sports and crippling u.s china relations the virus won and whatever chance i had of bringing booze back to the shark tank died china closed its borders to americans i was a man without a home without a basketball team and without hope is that shanghai shark's jersey donny does yeah dude is it cool if i get a boat with you like you're the man does it look cool if you get a photo with me no please leave me the [ __ ] along spiraling into a deep dark depression guess it's true that you either die a basketball fan but live long enough to see yourself become a degenerate alcoholic but just when i thought all was lost and only saw rehab or liver failure in my future i received a call [Music] what [Music] i'm not doing so well i know last season was tough for you um and that you won't be able to make it back to the shark tank anytime soon but you know a real superhero is an ordinary individual who finds strength in person in spite of overwhelming obstacles everyone fails at who they're supposed to be donnie but the measure of person of a hero is how well they succeed at being who they are wow shimmer i i really appreciate hearing that i mean i don't know if it's going to change the fact that like i can no longer drink beers at a shark's game or or even go to a sharks game but i mean thanks for calling never lose hope the night is always darkest before the dawn man so just never lose hope i just i don't i don't have really anything to look forward to in my life well you know i think that you do because you know next year i'll be going back to the shanghai sharks got my shark shirt on you got that to look forward to you're going back to the shacks i'm going back to the shacks holy smokes he hath risen oh yeah it's a jimmer jersey i was staring down a black hole and um you sure you're showing me the light at the end of the tunnel that's what i'm here for i'm always here to help i love you 3 000. i love you i may have been on the verge of giving up on the shacks but not jimmer the king had returned and whereas i was locked out of china indefinitely jimmer had been invited back it's been a really fun summer with the family but it's time to get back to work i'm going back to shanghai and whereas i need booze to have fun in shocks games [Music] jimmer is mormon and has been sober his whole life he may have not been the hero the sharks deserved but in these dark times he was the hero the shocks needed a knight shining [Music] and myself well i would just have to support the shocks from exxon and knowing the team was back in good hands i was fine with that and hey no one can tell me not to drink three beers and a fanta on my own couch i'll always believe i was the hero the sharks deserved but probably not the one they needed right now nor ever drunk mass holes really aren't the best ambassadors when it comes to diffusing geopolitical tension and at the end of the day i was never a hero i was never a villain either to some i was a loyal customer to others i was a volatile liability do you want good police in reality though i was just an internet troll who took a bit way too far and in the process became an everlasting symbol a symbol for what it means to be a passionate fan a shock night [Music] i feel like in in some ways the nba has kind of given up on me honestly i think i would make a pretty good mother oh i think he wet his pants does anybody have a diaper [Music] so [Music] you

Channel: The Wonton Don

Views: 169,245

Rating: 4.9761872 out of 5

Keywords: China, Donnie Does, Wonton Don, Shanghai, Weird, Whoa That's Weird, Asia, travel vlog, barstool sports, shanghai sharks, dark shark, jimmer fredette, jeremy lin, CBA, chinese basketball, Shark Knight, booze, 3 beers, fanta, Beijing Ducks, Stephon Marbury, NBA, NBA draft

Id: fJ8hDNJ5hY4

Length: 28min 51sec (1731 seconds)

Published: Thu Nov 19 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/itsyaboi-]

Wtf happened with that squatting injury lmao

[u/wedontsaythatanymore]

3 beers and a Fanta

[u/bstale]

Just an incredible video by Donnie. What an ending for this series.

[u/spongeball]

I love him sneaking in the vodka in a green bell pepper, that killed me.

[u/CDA1499]

I laughed so hard at “one fanta’s not gonna cut it Bao Bao”

[u/Sesuitharbor]

I have never been to China. Don’t have an overwhelming urge to go to China.

But fuck the ducks

[u/Acadia-Intelligent]

Donnie telling that guy asking for the picture to fuck off was glorious.

[u/iCashMon3y]

Donnie's Magnum Opus, truly a masterpiece.

[u/ModernPoultry]

This actually might be the greatest content ever produced by Barstool. Fuck the Ducks