The dangers of manufactured childhood magic || Motherhood In Progress

when did birthday parties become this massive thing when my daughter Hazel asked for an Allison Wonderland themed birthday party I did as any Pinterest mom would do and went a little overboard I have three kids and so that means I'm spending $700 three times a year on just birthday parties for their friends the amount of money that we spent for like the experience that we had the toll it took on our family for a couple days like we cannot do this again this morning I asked my kids what they wanted for breakfast and once said croissants and the other said cereal so I thought we would compromise and make croissant cereal what do you do when your kids get bored if you're in the US you likely don't like that your kids are getting bored my nephew just lost his first tooth so let's make him a little box of goodies from the Tooth Fairy got a Pokémon coloring book toxic waste more of this toxic waste CRA balloon sucker and a little bit of Play-Doh first two BO if any kids come to the party I I'm not going to give you a party favor like you're you're two you're two is this fun for anybody like why are we doing this becoming a parent in the modern day comes with the harsh reality of the standard for today's childhood from over-the-top birthday parties to weekly sensory crafts a child's Joy is now premeditated in the effort to manufacture memories children that used to run wild and live free are now over scheduled and over entertained because of this idea that we can buy our children a magical childhood but this raises the the question of whether parents are getting too involved in their children's lives and if this planned magic could be harming both the parents and the children so let's dive into it where these new expectations came from the effects they're having on parents and children and what we need to do to preserve magic without [Music] overindulging of all the childhood activities that have gotten a glow up birthday parties by far have outshone all of them they've become huge events with grandiose themes balloon arches bouncy castles petting zoos and often hired actors and with that it's not uncommon for parents to be spending hundreds if not thousands of dollars on these birthday parties go back to the simpler days go a Party City pick up your themed party supplies get Mickey Mouse plates napkins cups that's all you need parents caregivers moms whoever you are you stand with me do we need to sign a petition we need a form to fill out do we have to write a letter to somebody I don't know what we got to do start a movement let's just stop with the crazy birthday parties it's too much if this was an isolated event just one huge event every year that's one thing but the grandiose nature of childhood has seeped into so many other parts of even their everyday lives it feels like if you're not constantly pursuing the most for your child then you're not a good parent we feel this pressure to be constantly coming up with new fun crafts for the kids that often involves sensory bins for our babies we have Elf on the Shelf where every day of December this little elf needs to be in a new fun position to keep the magic going for Christmas and at the end of the month don't you dare share any Christmas photos on Instagram unless the whole family is wearing matching Christmas pajamas and then we also have the Tooth Fairy Who now gives toys instead of a coin for losing a tooth this was my first Valentine's Day where Rook was in school and we gave out cards and all of a sudden I learned that you don't just give cards anymore it has to be cards and a toy cards and a chocolate one mom even apologized because she said she didn't have time to go get something more than just cards as you probably know this is not how childhood used to be or at least for my generation and older most of us grew up with our parents obviously involved in our lives but not so integrated as they currently are and parents definitely weren't as vital to our day-to-day entertainment we didn't do crafts unless it was a special occasion or of course in school Christmas was only really celebrated the week of Christmas not the whole month all the birthday parties went to had the same theme of birthday party with your rainbow balloons and rainbow streamers and of course a homemade cake it was just regular childhood it's crazy how in one generation's time it seems like the formula for childhood has been completely Rewritten and there's a new expectation for what it means to provide for your children this portion of today's video is sponsored by blueland did you know that according to a World Wildlife Fund study we consume the equivalent of one credit card's worth of plastic every single single week this plastic comes in the form of micr plastics that shed off of everyday objects things like the film around your dishwasher pods is actually plastic and that plastic doesn't just disappear in the wash it contaminates the water that's cleaning the dishes that 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did we find ourselves here the biggest factor of course is social media Pinterest in particular I think started this all if not the mommy bloggers because they are the ogs and while Pinterest isn't the biggest or the most influential platform right now it was one of the first to build this idealic version of childhood on Pinterest you have all these crafts you can do with your kids you see perfect nurseries and toddler rooms cute stylized snack ideas adorable Mommy baby matching outfits a thousand inside activities for winter a million summer bucket list ideas and of course a billion birthday party themes while Pinterest has been an amazing resource for us parents it has also led to this increase in expectations on Parenthood and childhood the current expectation for mothers is that in any and every event you scour Pinterest for the best ideas execute them flawlessly and take photos to share to all your friends online this combined with the same influence we're seeing on on Instagram and Tik Tok means that we're always seeing everyone's best in Parenthood and that of course makes us question whether we're doing enough for a children we know that social media is a highlight reel but that doesn't take away the pressure that we feel from seeing everyone execute their parental strengths and then compiling all that into a new standard that everything we do for our kids should be at the highest tier the inspiration that we get from social media I get it it's super helpful I'm using it all the time too for my kids but it's not normal to be seeing all the parents going all out for their children and the thing you might not think about is that usually it's not that the influencers are doing all the things they're normally picking the one thing that they're really good at and showing that like one person loves baking so they share the baked goods they made for their kids one person loves doing crafts so that's what they share one person loves sewing so they share the clothes they make for their kids and instead of leaning on our own strengths as parents we stack all these things that we see on social media into this huge pile of things we need to do for our children otherwise we're not Measuring Up [Music] the other problem that has led to this overdone version of childhood is that the fear of our children missing out has led us to this kind of keeping up with the Jones's version of motherhood and also a one-upping mom culture only seeing beautiful things on social media is impactful but solely isn't enough to reform society's childhood Traditions while these posts are picturesque I don't think it's enough for every mom to feel they need to per per form the same for their children I think the real kicker here is from seeing the parents of our children's friends doing the Pinterest activities and the Pinterest crafts that's when we get scared that if we're not doing the same our child could feel left out or less than the worst mom chamers are other mothers as women even before we become mothers we are pitted against each other there is no perfect mother there is no perfect road map and there are no perfect kids instead of coming into community and realizing that we share so much of the similar life experience of motherhood we sit around and judge each other it's truly the saddest thing about motherhood where we could have a Sisterhood we have a Witch Hunt we as adults have the ability to see our value despite the things we have or the things we do but children are still sensitive to this stuff one mom shares her experience and says it seems like almost every status update in my Facebook feed highlights a Disney vacation or some huge Birthday Bash don't get me wrong I enjoy seeing photos of these awesome events but at the same time I try to Shield my kids from it I don't want them asking when are we going to Disney World where are we having my birthday party I definitely feel this pressure too when I was one of the only parents that only had a card for Valentine's Day no chocolates no toys I felt a bit of embarrassment as stupid as that sounds you just don't want your kid to stand out for not doing the same as everyone else and I can also see how doing more than the status quo can make people feel like better parents but while everyone just wants what's best for their kid this is what's leading to the one uping mom culture or I guess I should call it parent culture is it just moms I don't know but the idea is if a small party is good then a big party must be better but this just leads to a never-ending cycle of matching each other's one-upping which leads to higher and higher [Music] expectations all of this extreme magic making of course does take a toll on mothers in this keeping up with the Jones's version of motherhood we are unintentionally subscribing to a never good enough narrative that leaves us In Perpetual mom guilt in other cultures they just don't do as much kid focused activities like constantly feeling they need to entertain their children thing they don't do is tie mom guilt to everything like we tie mom guilt to anything that has to do with our child we virtually never look at like what makes sense for the mom what makes sense for the family we always say I could do more I could do more so we do all of this stuff like trampoline places play dates every day trying to entertain our kids so they feel the love so they're not bored and then anything we can feel guilty about we do one mom shares her experience with these over-the-top birthday parties and how it affects her the lavish heavily instagrammed parties warp the minds of parents and set unreal hopes for parties that are supposed to be casual cute and family focused and because so many of us don't have the time money or energy to create such a perfectly decorated fanf Fair we are often left feeling defeated and we are unintentionally sabotaging a lot of the parents around us the ones who can't afford these lavish Affairs whose schedules don't allow for the crafting and prepped work or whose mental load is already at capacity where are the other moms planning a toddler's birthday I'm talking a literal 2-year-old and you're going to make it nice and you're going to make it cute you're going to have a little theme ours is puppies this year let's potty but you're not going to spend their future college fund on the party they're not getting a massive balloon arch or one of those giant ass signs with their name in the yard I'm sorry but if any kids come to the party I I'm not going to give you a party favor like you're you're two you're two and like I said birthday parties are only one aspect of these childhood expectations more and more we're seeing everyday moments are supposed to be special not just the odd occasion I think especially with the tradwife movement taking over motherhood social media we're feeling this pressure to make even boring tasks more magical like making breakfast folding laundry playing with the kids in the backyard another mom shares her experience and says we're being bombarded Ed with these images of idealized motherhood that are selective cropped and photoshopped leaving us to think that we're the only ones whose homes are messy and lives feel like a crap show our sense of what's real and achievable has been distorted all of this and more is now required of us in order to be considered good moms not that we'll ever be rewarded or compensated for achieving this elusive State there will always be more on the to-do list more recent findings in childhood development more environmental and social injustices to navigate that will keep us strong driving but never arriving the other problem with all this pressure to make childhood magical is that it leaves no time left to make our own lives magical in this we're modeling to our kids that they are the center of the universe a mother's needs don't matter and a mother is only meant to survive and struggle I have a lot of moms sharing their experiences in this video if you haven't noticed so here's another one by comparing myself to other moms and having unrealistic goals and ideals the motherhood fails just keep piling up while the winds were squashed down out of sight the fails far out shown anything good that I was doing as a mom yet no one was actually telling me I was failing or making me feel bad it was all me I was my own worst critic and an utterly unfair one at that just like you are all this pressure to be the provider of fun leads to another form of guilt surrounding one-on-one playtime I hear a lot of moms saying that they feel bad for not loving playing on the floor with their children as if it's supposed to be fun I'm not saying that it's never fun like you can still have a good time playing with your kids but there's a reason why adults don't play like children play it's cuz we don't like those things what is wrong with me as a mom that I don't want to play with my kids turns out you know there's something in your brain called dopamine like a happy hormone and we all we all get little bursts of it by doing different things your children don't get dopamine released when they play with their mom your children's dopamine gets released when they play with their dad dad and kids dopamine gets released when they play with each other when your children's dopamine gets released when they are with you snuggling resting watching a movie and touching each other that is when your children's dopamine gets released with Mom while it's great to play with your kids and you definitely should it's good for their development it's unhealthy for both you and the child if you're taking on the role of the sole Entertainer and this leads into our next topic which is the effects that this has on the [Music] children first off with all this parental control of fun kids are missing out on boredom kids need boredom to learn how to play but also for their own self-discovery like learning what their interests are and also learning how to play with other kids so much of childhood now seems just filled up with screen time and scheduled activities but this means there's no time for the free play that they need what do you do when your kids get bored if you're in the US you likely don't like that your kids are getting bored if you have a toddler at home that you need to keep occupied you need to try this put a bunch of their toys in a bowl put water in it freeze the Bowl when it's frozen solid and you need something for your toddler to do pull it out and set it up this came in perfect timing today for when my child side was born Dr Westgate said if parents don't allow for free imaginative play children may never discover their innate love of nature sports or art or even the pleasure they can find in simply relaxing or playing being able to identify and develop those sources of meaning is a really critical skill to have lifelong parents often feel the pressure to get down on the floor and play with young children every time the children are are feeling bored but that can keep children from learning how capable they are of stepping into their imaginations because of this there's no time for free play you unlock the secret to calm kids when you allow them to sit in boredom or to self-play because they're no longer relying on a prop or a TV or an iPad or you they know that they can do it themselves they also know it's okay to just be bored give you an example I recently went to the post office with both my kids for a passport and we had to wait 2 hours and I was just telling my friend this and she was like did you have an iPad like what did you do how did you entertain them and I was like no I didn't have an iPad like we just we stood we sat we talked we waited and we got it done it was no big deal when you get kids used to this there's nothing you can't do as a family and they no longer need an iPad or a TV and it's truly just a practice you have to keep practicing this and you'll be able to build up these extended periods of time where your kids get super creative have tons of fun and you're able to enjoy life more on top of that in a world where we are the sole Entertainer for our children kids are getting less and less time with other kids something you may not think is a problem because children go to school where they're shoulder-to-shoulder with other kids for 8 hours a day but the key here is that they're missing out on unstructured and unmonitored playtime with other kids this time is very valuable for children's development as it again helps to grow Independence and learn social skills in the absence of an adult to explain the rules and intervene when others don't play fair kids learn to negotiate and sort out their own problems they learn how to cooperate Express their opinions effectively and accommodate other people's interests these are important skills to take into the Adult World another consequence of prioritizing magic in our children is that they lose the ability to find beauty in the mundane when you look back on your own childhood I'm sure you can think of very fond memories of very unexciting moments in life if we only ever make life a grand production our children become Spectators of life and their desire for more entertainment only grows we are unintentionally teaching our children that life is only fun or beautiful when it's premeditated and perfectly packaged and that the beauty is not something you can discover on your own on one hand we can't blame parents for just wanting to make these beautiful traditions and moments for their kids we as adults also want to feel the magic too through our children because Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy aren't fun for us anymore but if we go too far and make every moment magical then children lose the ability to find joy in the simple moments [Music] mothers being the sole source of magic in childhood also isn't how the parent child Dynamic has always worked mothers playing with their children is a new concept of the modern world as the traditional mother took on the role of the caretaker and the educator but not necessarily the friend it's interesting in the conversation of it takes a village to raise a child that it's usually interpreted incorrectly Judith Harris in discussion of this said that the popular popular phrase it takes a village to raise a child is true if interpreted differently from the usual Western interpretation the reason it takes a village is not because it requires a quorum of adults to nudge airing youngsters back onto the path of righteousness it takes a village because in the village there was always enough kids to form a play group if you find yourself in a group with a lot of adults and a lot of children you will see this happen children group together and play with each other because children are most fun to Children most of the time and this is what actually provides the relief for parents rather than passing the children off to all the babysitters as long as there's one older child or the children are in an age appropriate safe environment then everybody wins the parents get a break and the children get that valuable time with their peers and while this Village Dynamic was the family structure prior to the 20th century even as early as the 1900s parents were told to be hands off with their children's Amusement in 1928 John Watson wrote psychological care of infant and child which encouraged moms to stay away from children's play all together because they'd ruin it Watson wrote the child is alone putting his blocks together doing something with his hands learning how to control his environment the mother comes in construction play ceases the child crawls its way or runs to the mother takes a hold of her climbs into her lap puts his arms around her net blocks and the rest of the world have lost their pulling power Watson even says if you're having a hard time avoiding parental interference to put the child out in the backyard a large part of the day build a fence around the yard so that you are sure no harm can come to it when when the child can crawl give it a sand pile and be sure to dig some small holes in the yard so it can crawl in and out of them let it learn to overcome difficulties almost from the moment of birth if your heart is too tender and you must watch the child make yourself a peephole so that you can see it without being seen or use a periscope now we can all agree that that's extreme and I'm not advocating for this style of parenting I'm also not here to say that parents of the 1920s had the best techniques we all know that they had their own issues with Parenthood I just share this to give the larger perspective that the overbearing version of Parenthood that we're currently using is not the only way that people have ever parented and as we've discussed earlier is not the best [Music] way one of the most important points of all this is that despite all the efforts that parents put into making childhood magical we forget that childhood is inherently magical while parental neglect can obviously damage childhood par par don't need to go out of their way to make every moment magical just to make childhood special I have this memory from my childhood of just sitting in the dirt in my mom's Garden she had this huge sprawling Garden where she grew all kinds of different vegetables and the sky was this bright tangerine orange and I was just sitting there eating strawberries off the bush and I just had this feeling of contentment and I think that's a feeling I'm I'm trying to recapture planning elaborate events daily crafts quarterly vacations can of course bring some joy to your child but not any more than a simple life childhood isn't perfect and it's not supposed to be because the beauty in childhood is that any day could be magical think about how a child views the world in their own eyes remember the first fall of snow on cold Winters and building snow forts until your gloves and boots were soaked through long drives on rainy days where you would create stories in your head that aligned with the landscape you were driving through racing leaves in the creek at the park and trying to build stick dams that would redirect the water's path even getting lost in the narrative you've created with the dolls on your living room floor none of these took the extra effort from your parents to make the day special but they were special because childhood is special we are so pressured to do so much for our children when in actuality all that effort could have little to no effect on increasing a child's magic I asked you about magical things from your childhood and so many of the things were like family tradition things on weekends we would have family movie nights and my mom would make a homemade pizza creating a cozy palette on the floor with blankets and pillows Fridays at 5:00 the local radio station would play It's Finally Friday by George Jones and my mom and I would sing it to the top of our lungs it was so fun I love that song so simple but my parents took me grocery shopping on Fridays with them we'd go out to eat together and then do the shopping it subconsciously taught me so much and it was our thing which I love [Music] so what does this mean for us parents should we just cut out the magic alt together and stop spending time with our kids obviously not like I said we just shouldn't be the sole source of entertainment for our kids it's really important to spend time with your kids I don't want you to get me wrong it's really fun to do things for our kids makes them feel special it makes us feel special but all your children want from you is a relationship even if that just means bringing them into your day-to-day as for all the themed crafts and over-the toop birthday parties and everything else I've said I don't think gets inherently bad I get that for some moms this is something that they love to do and makes them happy so who am I to tell them to stop but on the other hand some moms don't want to be doing the extravagant stuff but just go along with it and that's when I think we need to stop ourselves and think do we really need to be doing this for our children do they really need that extra Knick knacky toy just for a moment of fun that's going to be thrown out in a week anyway or would they be better off without but I don't know what the solution is for the keeping up with the Joneses issue in motherhood like I said I don't want to crush the spirits of the moms who love doing these things they love the Pinterest crafts they love the big events my sister loves throwing parties she loves the balloon arches and all the stuff but we really need this to be the expectation not the standard and maybe the only way to stop it from being the expectation is for all the moms who don't want to do it to stop doing it hold your ground stay strong and most of the time people aren't judging you for it either way you know I'm not a super crafty mom so I'm definitely not going to be doing all the handmade Valentine's cards next year and hopefully that'll make other moms feel more comfortable to just do the cards too I do think it always comes back to this we should probably get off our phones a bit more I'm just as guilty of this but the less we're seeing online of all these perfect parents the less we're going to be influenced in our real lives because if we're only ever exposed to a mother's best moments on social media will never escape the mom guilt that comes from not measuring up to this unrealistic standard finally if you're feeling guilty because you think you're not measuring up as a mom just remember that childhood without Pinterest is still magical [Music]

Channel: Ashley Embers

Views: 326,711

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Id: AfMmxthc91c

Length: 26min 17sec (1577 seconds)

Published: Wed Jun 12 2024