The Carol Burnett Show - Season 5, Episode 510 - Guest Stars: Bing Crosby, Paul Lynde

[Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] welcome to our show this evening i think we've got a terrific one for you aside from our regulars harvey lyle and vicki our special special guest stars this evening are paul lind and bing crosby [Music] let's turn up the lights and talk a minute before we get started is there anything yes you wrote an article on um you don't have to be beautiful to be a movie star or something like that that's right well when i read that i said she doesn't realize it but she's beautiful have you met my aunt louise characters that you do which one would you say is your favorite which character is the favorite one that i either that i do i really enjoy the domestic sketches uh that hermie and i do the carol and sis they are more real than anything zelda's fun to do cause she's such a stinker you know and i'm sure everybody has somebody that they know who's like that who drives people crazy yes does the character zelda ever come out in your real life no my husband says it does all the time the other night i was at can't you pull their shame down yeah i guess it does you know yes if you believed in reincarnation what would you want to come back at if i believed in reincarnation what would i want to come back as raquel welch okay don't go away we'll be right back [Music] from television city in hollywood it's the carol burnett show with harvard [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] hey [Music] [Applause] you coming out bert you're right there molly oh it's a nice october day for the veterans parade but there'll be a lot of people always is well how do i look molly i think you better head for canada they're liable to draft you again oh come on molly tell the truth i know the shoulders droop a little the knees are a little baggy and there's lots of wrinkles but the uniform covers all that up a little zinger for the old soldier come on i'm just kidding let's sit down all righty yeah well give me a little push [Music] i love that rear guard action molly oh molly i tell you we're in this uniform again sure brings back memories mademoiselle from armament airport liver murder missile vermont i wonder what ever happened to her little french girl i knew your lawnmower over there over there it'll soon be over over there it's over over here too fun while it lasted molly this little french girl was crazy about me just love me in my uniform she was young and i was a dashing american hero but you married me that's what made me a hero i'll just trust you molly you know you're the only girl in the world for me that remind you of anything yankee doodle why it's been a long time since he went to town too say what you want molly i've got my memories you talk like you're the only one who's got memories i was a nurse in the war you know and there were a lot of soldiers crazy about me oh i can believe that molly those were desperate men at valley forge [Applause] hi molly it's henry sit down is henry going to march in the parade with you again this year yeah i can't stand him it's been 50 years but he can't let me forget he was my commanding officer i'm just fine henry have a seat in just a minute what's the matter i'm waiting for the private to salute a superior officer if i see one i'll salute i can cost you your strength but i'll forget it this time my mind if i sit here well i don't rightly know if that seat's taken oh i wanted to watch the parade with a lovely charming beautiful girl it's not taken you look mighty spiffy in your uniform henry well i've put on a little weight mallee fits kind of tight in places especially the hat and he's private what time does the parade start henry 1400 hours you don't have that many left i could bust you for that private i'll just stop at you two the parade's gonna be starting any minute and you better get going well i don't know if i'm gonna make it this year molly tell you what private you have my permission to sit out the parade with me that's the first sensible order you've given me in 50 years now you two have got to be in the parade it just won't be the same without you sled never misses nobody cares about world war one vets anymore they do listen to that beat isn't that crap before the parade passes by we're gonna go and take saturday's [Music] is is [Music] [Applause] ladies and gentlemen mr bing crosby it is really a great thrill to have you on our show well it's a thrill to be here carol thank you that's that's really interesting is that your family coat of arms well practically this is the escutcheon of the pittsburgh pirates you know we won the world series this year that's right yeah pumping it up a little bit i'm really happy about that they're my favorite football team good night gracie [Applause] [Music] looking through the morning papers all the news is bad headlines shout of strife and struggle hate becomes a fad it's time to reinstate the golden rule and teach it to the kids in every school [Music] think of your fellow man lend him a helping hand put a little love in your heart take a good look around and if you're feeling down put a little love in your heart and the world will be a better place and the world will be a better place for you and for me if you agree with me to love you gotta love thy neighbor walk up and say i'll be a g but i'm glad to see your pal house tricks tell me what's new love thy neighbor offer to share his burden just tell him to say the word and you're gonna see him through especially if there should be a beautiful girl next door you just say to the girl next door now don't think i'm bold but crosby told me to love thy neighbor and you will find your labor a great deal easier life will be crazier if you put some love in your heart [Music] put a little love in your heart someone's gotta start so put a little [Music] just put a little love in your heart it's time you made a start so put a little love in your heart [Music] [Applause] as the stomach turns when last we left canoga falls marion was just saying goodbye to her portrait painter well marion it's been a long session you must be tired tired but happy i'm really quite pleased with what we've done today aren't you oh yes you know marion i've never painted anyone in the nude before really no usually i keep my clothes on well goodbye marion same time tomorrow get some rest oh it's so rewarding being a patron of the arts i wonder where the afternoon newspaper is usually it's here by now oh here it comes thank you i just love the canoga falls courier one page of news and nine pages of obituaries oh no poor poor martha oh i must call her husband arthur and give him my condolences oh hello art marion free for lunch wonderful oh i'll get the doorbell why it's mel torment canoga falls town masochist who's only happy when he's in pain hello marion hello mel come in what can i do for you first of all close the door how's that hurt thank you now please sit down more coffee only if it's scalding hot oh that's good coffee mel you're getting more neurotic every day mary you don't know what it's like being a masochist always looking for pain desperately looking for some way to be hurt buying shoes three sizes too small having my teeth pulled whether i need it or not it's more than i can stand there i'm going out of my mind with this sickness no control yourself i can't melt i can't i can't oh oh bless you marion bless you did you do that one more time only harder no no no more hot coffee now no no i will not be a part of this sickness of yours you've just got to try to beat it beat oh i just love that word beat me thank you mel you need help what about your wife oh she's no help i've tried everything i've stayed out all night drinking gambling carousing and never one harsh word from her she's an angel i hate her problems start the moment i was born the doctor held me by my feet and slapped me and you cried now i turned the other cheek [Applause] will that doorbell never ring i'll get it [Music] why it's a lovely teenage stranger in her underwear come here don't you recognize me mom i'm your daughter why surely you jest my daughter is upstairs now taking a shower mom i ran away from home five years ago no wonder i have such a large water bill so how are you and what have you been doing sorry i asked i'm on the olympic track team now mom i run the 100-yard dash in 10 seconds flat that'll be the day i'm not gonna be going now who's the baby's father oh he's the fastest man on the team they call him lightning make sure he doesn't strike twice i didn't know you smoked i don't really i just take one puff and put it out you just can't go on like this you're right marion you've got to get a hold of yourself oh that's a marvelous idea i'll get it you're busy [Music] why it's father sarge the canoga falls policeman who became a priest come here thank you marion what brings you here well i wanted to thank you for coming to church last sunday and i want to give you this ticket for double parking but father you're not a policeman any longer i know but old habits you know are hard to break yes i understand i guess you just keep slipping back into the old groove oh it could be very embarrassing mary last week i raided my bingo game how unfortunate well i've got to go along now you know father someday i hope that you will be the one who will officiate at my wedding i'll do the best i can i'll pray for the miracle now back to mill's problem mary i need a pain fix oh that i just got to suffer terrible thing to say bite your tongue oh yes that's a goodie [Laughter] i know what you need mel a good kick no come on no come on send me to the moon no mel what you need is love no you do you need the love that you were denied as a child you need the love of a real mother i'll get it [Music] [Applause] [Applause] [Laughter] [Applause] my [Applause] [Applause] why it's canoga falls most lovable budinsky come in [Music] [Applause] [Applause] i'm sorry interrupt i didn't know you had company don't worry i wouldn't stay don't worry i wouldn't stay more than two hours to drink it the most sergeant asked me how i am at least how are you at least mother marcus don't ask my shoes are pinching me my bra is chalking me and my girdle is killing me all together how'd you like to trade clothes i don't believe i've made the acquaintance oh uh mother marcus this is mel torment how do you do i'm sure suddenly we are best friends why don't you sit down take away though sit down man please sit down would you like a piece of food i choke a lot nothing soon what line of voice you are i'm a full-time masochist from this you make a living you don't understand mother marcus a masochist is someone who likes to suffer you got children no i don't a lot you know about suffering i got four sons a lawyer a doctor an engineer and a cpa four geniuses and not one knows how to use the telephone you understand what i'm talking about but enough about me have i got a girl for you my only daughter i'm married already my only daughter running around with her married men you've got some life i'll give you what's on my now oh thank you thank you thank you he says mother marcus mel is sick he's sick why didn't she tell me in the first place i have with me on my first aid kit some hot sitting soup oh well how hot is it don't worry i wouldn't burn yourself oh then i don't want any try if you'll like it i don't want any don't color on me you little pipsqvic listen you either you're not too old fast thinking spanky you wouldn't dare oh no couldn't die you come here i'll give you more more more joy is you're a michigan [Applause] before you leave there is something i have to tell all of us [Music] to say and what about mel torment will he satisfy his need for punishment and whip himself into shape and what about mother marcus will she be surprised when she finds out that her sons plan to send her on a long vacation to egypt and what about marion's olympic track star daughter when she crosses the finish line will she set a new record by coming in first and second and what about father sarge the policeman turned priest will he leave canoga falls or remain as pastor of his church our lady of the twelfth precinct and what about marion and her painter will the passionate relationship continue or will he discover she's only a still life for the answer to these and other unimportant questions tune in tomorrow as the stomach turn [Applause] [Applause] i uh i didn't mean to keep you waiting being it just took me a little extra time to get into this dress pause time in thy flight a vision of such loveliness appears within my sights where such different humility is quite a rare delight i don't know what you're saying but go on for i a poet panagiric odes i would compose to catalog each virtue from your head down to your toes i blush in living color at each phrase mere words do not suffice to who sing your praise i'm your humble servant ever in your debt i've got one would you acquiesce good word fine choice to a brief duel acquiesce let's sing you name the two sing a song i love to groom sing out loud i don't sing that way now sing out strong get bob goulet now sing out good things not bad a spirited round delay brimming with zest sing out happy that's really the kind i do best let's sing sing a song i make it simple to last your whole life long and let's make sure it's good enough for everyone else to hear we're gonna sing sing a song [Music] la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la [Music] [Music] say hallelujah come on get happy get ready for the judgment day the sun is shining come on get happy the lord is waiting to take your hand shut hallelujah come on get happy we're going to the promised land [Music] just get [Music] hallelujah [Music] [Applause] [Music] sing sing a song sing a song sing out loud [Music] let's make sure it's good enough for everyone else to hear everybody [Music] sing a little song see [Applause] stay tuned now for the second half of the carol vernette show and our version of an old-fashioned melodrama following station identification i am so very proud of our dancers i'd like you to meet them individually this is carl jablonski stan mason don creighton ed kerrigan eddie heim roy smith bobby bates patty tribble shirley kirks kathy king jerry reddick and bonnie evans ladies and gentlemen i'm very happy to introduce to you the ernie flat dancers [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] at a tragedy we listen in silence at a comedy we cackle like geese only one form of theater offers total emotional release [Music] from sorrow and anguish gay and heartbreak through triumph and joy and delight so be not genteel pray express all you feel it's a real melodrama tonight [Music] oh father are we not happy now that you have sworn off demon rum oh yes my dear daughter pray continue at the piano oh the arch cunning of a drunkard [Music] [Music] spirits every day oh yes we're lifting our spirits lifting our spirits [Music] anyway why something is amiss with the piano gasp demon rum oh father how could you spoil it again [Music] father you have lost your employment we are in debt to the bank the cupboard is bare we are in constant hunger and poverty and now demon rum threatens to spoil all this happiness then i shall give up demon rum good father i'll switch to demon gin oh no you promised dear departed mother that you would never touch that infernal poison again ah yes i remember the vow she made me take i shall take this instrument of the devil and throw it into the flames yes alas what am i to do if those villainous bankers come to collect our debt we shall be thrown out into the bitter night and look it is beginning to snow and look it is beginning to snow hark is that a knock i hear [Music] is it ever [Music] it is the villainous bankers twins meaty and mo i'm meanie i'm mo we are evil persons [Music] booze don't bother us booze don't bother me [Laughter] we've come for the money you owe us you have five minutes to pay or we'll take away more more time i beg of you more time will nothing melt your heart of stone no but your breath is melting as well hey take anything we have take it all but not our happy home for if you do we shall be thrown out into the snow very well we'll both take your daughter's hand in marriage marry the two of you but that would be bigamy bigger you it's big of us come my proud beauty no no i will not give you my daughter she is pure innocent untouched by any man curses [Laughter] if you will not give her to us then we will take her by force now now a thousand times no you live in a big house with many servants no no a hundred times no you'll have fancy clothes and fine furs 50 times no for gaining honor you'll have rubies and diamonds emeralds and pearls 20 times now and you'll have us you just blew it unhand that woman [Applause] and who are you pray tell sergeant jack strongheart do their rescue come into my arms fair beauty what is this strange passion i feel satan is pulling me towards his arms satan is pulling me towards his lips get thee behind me satan and porsche ah sweet maiden you are so pure just i kiss you danced danced so [Music] i said so not snow you have not defeated us yet come to the tavern kind sir where mayhaps we can resolve your financial woes once there we will apply him with drink and then he signs over his dilapidated house and daughter [Laughter] no father please do not go they are leading you into temptation well they'd better i'm in no condition to find it myself all is lost oh what shall i do i know i think i'll faint the poor innocent maiden has fainted she must lie down in her bed the bedroom door is locked foiled again oh jack strongheart i must go at once to the tavern before those evil bankers triumph over my poor weak father wait oh my god i will go with you no nee i have something more urgent for you to do and what's that stay here and find that key [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] i can't help it if my manner is saucy i can't help it if my words are escaped i know it's naughty but when i'm in a room full of men i just can't help but say hey try [Applause] [Music] me [Applause] [Music] my knees [Music] one more but you are on the road to ruin well let's have one little one for the road woe is me what shall i do i know i think i'll sing the fire has gone [Music] the well has run dry and the chickens won't lay [Music] the goat ate the bible the horse has gone lame and grandfather swallowed his comb p.s and rose and the parson got caught in [Music] [Music] [Applause] sign your cottage over to us and we'll cancel your debts should i sell my house to buy more demon drink yes or no well it was close but yes it is his goody-goody daughter won't help him now [Laughter] one more time have no fear sergeant strongheart is here i'll soon get rid of him with the help of the painted woman oh p.w kill hello there handsome care for something intoxicating no jack tell her you belong to me i am torn between good and evil shall i choose this young and innocent maiden and a lifetime of sweet matrimony [Applause] or shall i throw away my life for one hour of mad passion sweetheart yes i'll be back in an hour well it looks like you when you've been designed the deed wait all is lot not lost i have come to a decision i will marry the both of you good good but first let us toast our wedding get the hooch little do they little do they know that when they get drunk i shall get the deed a toast to the bride to the bride a toast to the grooms select the grooms a toast to the painted lady a toast to a bum deeper a toast to my father the drunkard oh father father i have the deed in my hand and i can rip it to tatters but of what a veil is that to me you're still hooked on the sauce vessel file [Music] vile temptation go dribbling down the drain [Music] temptation it's easy to abstain [Music] [Music] ladies sweethearts [Music] all you mothers find the tavern find a saloon and empty it by singing [Music] temptation it's easy to stay [Music] i repent we repent [Applause] [Music] [Applause] oh father if only mother were here to share our happiness [Music] mother is happy she'll rest now in peace [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] oh [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] let's give a final boo for a real villain pollution [Music] i'm so glad we had this time together just to have a laugh or sing the song seems we just get started and before you know it comes the time we have to say [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] was previously recorded [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] you

Channel: The Carol Burnett Show Official

Views: 103,128

Rating: 4.8963585 out of 5

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Id: f0hB7IHB8ag

Length: 51min 16sec (3076 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 15 2021