The Carol Burnett Show - Season 10, Episode 0023 - Guest Star: Neil Sedaka

[Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] thank you cheer up you're terrific tonight we've got along with pete mats and the orchestra and harvey corman and vicki lawrence and tim conway guest is the wonderful neil sadako turn up the lights you guys are really hot tonight yes sir um how was the characters of mrs mrs wiggins and mr tuck ball created who created it and where did you get the idea from how were the characters of uh mr tudball and mrs wiggins created and who did it and where did they come from in that order not necessarily well actually i can give you the answer all in one word one name tim conway created it [Music] and it's a character that he has done before with that accent and then uh i was lucky enough to be given the chance to portray this wonderful woman mrs wiggins and then her character was created in a sense by our costume designer bob mackey because he thought up the way she should look and he put me in that tight skirt and there's no other way to walk is is it true you're only 23 yes thank you sit out yes am i as foxy as farrah fawcett can you look at me and ask that question of course who's verified is neil sedaka as nice as he seems no he's nicer i gotta tell you he's even nicer than he seems he has been a deer to work with all week yes yes yes what'd you do your tarzaniel you want me to do my tarzan yell all right okay i just shaved my chest i might not do that farrah when does your play open our oh thank you for asking that our play open i think previews are april the tw i'm doing a play at the huntington hartford with dick van dyke and we uh the previews are april 12th and then i think we open the 19th and we play through may 15th and if you want to see it do dick in me a favor come after opening after opening night because that's so nerve-wracking the first week of preview now i'm going to keep everybody away we won't have anybody oh boy they're gonna be mad at me at the hartford yes hi did you ever do your uh part on all my children mrs lum and her friend were coming out here to be on your show i did a part on all my children yes i did uh but it was about a year ago this week as a matter of fact yes oh you missed it oh let me do it for you i was in a wheelchair and they wheeled me out into the hospital i was being checked out and dr grant and dr martin were my doctors and uh no dr martin was and dr grant and i was checked out and i had a little bit of dialogue with dr martin and then as i left and i was wheeled into the elevator dr grant said you know that woman reminds me of somebody and i can't think of who it is oh you know who's here tonight but she's backstage is the lady who creates all my children agnes nixon and she's backstage yes and i've been trying to get some information out of her and she's very closed about it but she said that philip is going to be hurt terribly i didn't think he was doing so hot already you know he's not terribly happy now don't you love it with christina and her father who's the ghost i'm sorry all of you who don't know sister said if i ever got up here to talk to you she wanted to know whatever happened to ernie anderson whatever happened to ernie anderson that's ernie anderson is our announcer that's why she says she hadn't heard him on the show does your sister have the hawks for ernie anderson she does i think he came from all part of the country from rhode island originally i don't know if he came from rhode island originally he worked with tim in cleveland for many years tim conway that's close yeah that's close that's not bad and your sister has a crush on ernie anderson we'll tell her to listen to our show yeah not watch it she can listen to cause over the at the end he says this is your wacko announcer so she can listen to him yes would you ever consider performing at your crosstown rival school usc oh usc i thought you're gonna say fairfax high cause sure i love usc i've got oh yes no i have a shirt some a bunch of kids from sc gave me i wear it all the time it's terrific okay get we got a little bell okay we got a big show for you so don't go away we'll be right back television city in hollywood it's the carol burnett show [Applause] with harvey carman [Applause] vicki lawrence [Applause] and tim conway [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] mr kerrigan you may go in now do you have an appointment we both do with destiny maybe we can discuss it later over at the uh stein and bull regular there do you mind giving me your name honey i'd give you anything you want artie bragg's the name that's spelled with two g's like in two grand get it that's what you are two grand your appointment with your irs auditor is for 1 30 and you're just a bit early so if you please take a seat um well if you ever want a good time you know where to find artie bragg over at stein and bull i usually sit under the big horns artie bragg's the name that's spelled with two g's like in two grand get it that's what you are two right miss malone you may go in now artie brags the name that's filled with two g's like in two grams get it that's what you are true grant you know i'm not one to throw compliments around life but i must say you bear a striking resemblance to uh oh what's her name uh you know grace kelly you know the queen of france look uh mr uh ray oh yeah with two g's look if uh if you don't mind just uh just leave me alone huh i'd like to read my book okay nothing turns me on more than a lady that likes to read look mr brad say no more i know i'm getting on your nerves aren't they not just my nerves but my glands my muscles my bones my amino acids are all completely turned off by your very presence you know what they say about any relationship you got to give it a little time uh look what does a girl have to do to get you to shut up kiss me that's just enough buster just enough you stay there i stay here you don't talk to me i don't talk to you okay okay okay okay okay [Applause] i got the message you don't have to get artie brad over the head with a sledgehammer okay god why not another word i don't have to tell you how you can save a few bucks when you go in there and talk to them income tax bloodhounds no no no we've seen it work save a few bucks oh yeah i mean there's so many clever little places where you can hide income like accelerated depreciation collapsible corporations collapsible corporations income splitting incomes uh you know mr brad just call me artie artie perhaps i was a little too hasty and crossing you off as a total zero yeah remember artie brad can save you big bucks big bucks you look like the kind of girl that like a man to throw some big bucks all over her maybe something around that cute little pinkie maybe something around this beautiful night uh tell me you really think uh all this business you're talking about i mean can that really save me money i can't it i mean the things i've done with the help of capital gains and two sets of books two sets this guy's eyes would fall out oh tell me more well uh i'm a bachelor no no no i mean tell me more about how to save money i don't know where to begin between my exemptions and my deductions and all my phony write-offs i mean i got numbers jumping through hoops you're too late hey come on phyllis lunch hour's over back to the old grind i guess you're right i can't hide out here much longer who's my 130 appointment joyce oh mr bragg that's right mr bragg with two g's isn't it as in two grand well that's what it's going to cost you [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] it's just been wonderful having you with us all week carol it has been terrific for me and since i have to leave after the finale i just wanted to say a pleasure was mine yeah you have to leave right after the finale yes i'm afraid i have a plane to catch oh well then you won't be able to sign my autograph book i mean it's a tradition you know yeah well it's really too bad maybe we can do it now good yeah jack gonna do it okay jack neil this is jeff hello hello that's it i mean uh you know usually people uh they put things a little you know uh different they're serious oh i see yeah i see what you mean rock hudson even put a a little heart around his autograph yeah very cute very cute well ashley i put that there but um why don't why don't you try it again huh may i yeah okay best neil sedaka that's nice i guess you're not too thrilled with that either well neil yeah i don't want to be rude or anything but i mean maybe if you wrote something a little more personal you know i think i know what you mean uh like um to carol from your personal friend neil no uh no maybe uh let me see it's it's nice but it's kind of the same as all the others you know uh carol you've been on television for 10 years and just about everything that could have been written has been written yeah why don't you write what you'd like and i'll be happy to sign it okay oh um to carol burnett the foxiest lady ever with the most fantastic body in the world oh neil what a warm sweet wonderful thing to say [Music] [Applause] [Music] ah hey you know you're nuts supposed to squeeze the charming take something for this headache plain aspirin won't help what you need is pufferin pufferin will relieve your headache in just 15 seconds but vanessa's always been good for me before but pufferin won't upset your stomach oh shoot that sink still plugged up you know why that sink's plugged up don't you no using the crystal drain cleaner what you ought to do is use liquid drain cleaner i should that's right just like this but that doesn't help my pipes i know but you drink enough of this stuff you don't care anymore [Laughter] now what oh hi i want you to taste these two colas and tell me which one you like better i i don't like cola thank you hi why don't you taste these two peanut butters and tell me which one is smoother no okay how long has it been since you talked long distance to your mother what don't put it off any longer keep in touch with your loved ones calling no my mother lives next door well then how about your brother i don't have a brother an uncle no then how about calling my aunt bertha get out which one of these two blouses looks brighter oh lady they both look the same okay then why don't you taste these two crackers and try to guess which one has real butter and which one is mark i couldn't care less hi are you embarrassed by unsightly panty bulge no boy you're lucky i am hi which one of these two coffee crystals looks richer it doesn't matter okay i tell you what why don't you try to tell me which one of these two guns is loaded i'm losing my mind oh this looks good hey my wife and i were going to hawaii on our vacation i lost my wallet with all my money in it i don't care well if i had an american depressed traveler's checks well we could still have gone well what's that got to do with me oh can you lend us 1200 bucks we stay here for a couple of weeks no just get out you don't need much stupid neighborhood [Music] shame shame i can't see my face in that plate and you know why i can't see my face in that plate uh because i didn't use joyful uh dishwashing liquid no because there's too much food on it now i can see pretty gorgeous [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] stay tuned for the second half of the carol burnett show right i understand sir yes uh we'll get flight 43 out of here as soon as we've loaded the baggage on sir but i have to tell you something you know the the flu epidemic has wiped out most of our baggage handlers yeah but the union has promised to send over a temporary man immediately right sir thank you we'll take care bye-bye 43 flight mm-hmm right good it's over there snap it up leave for chicago in four minutes right now get to her as soon as i set this down all right important thing loading is to keep your back straight take all the weight off your legs never mind that just hurry up with you right i'll i'll move my tail for ya bag came in from australia probably made of plastic [Music] later stamp that get her out of here i'm going to cleveland [Music] all right you get this thing loaded come on this thing has to leave in two minutes ah you know why it's doing that don't you doing one doing this [Music] oh she got it running the wrong way huh all right all right there she goes all right get started this plane has to leave in two minutes rain get the lid out gramps hmm [Laughter] uh oh [Music] foreign [Laughter] [Music] what are you doing get that down here can't you do anything but come on bring it down never mind come on huh all right just come right down here all right okay all right i got an idea gramps you stand right here i'm gonna go over there throw you a suitcase one at a time on the conveyor right all right all right all right you stay right there right okay ready all right here you go [Music] come on let's get with this thing [Music] every phone in your body come on down here now [Applause] see agony of goofy all right let's go hi wayne's got to leave you ready heads up it's lunch send me a card from chicago [Music] honey look i think mr brewster likes our picasso print and you wanted to use our blue chip stamps to buy a bathroom scale oh honey i feel so good about this i really think i almost have this job just think next week at this time you could be married to robert bradley vice president american consolidated amalgamated incorporated honey please i don't care i just want these people to go home i am tired it's 2 30 in the morning hold your voice down i'll leave soon that's what you've been saying since midnight don't these people ever look at a clock they know what time it is you keep your voice down please don't ruin this for me i beg you sweetheart hello there all right you like our prince i see it hurry thank you sir well you're watching him good management what you need good managers in order to management i couldn't agree with you more sir i don't know why uh egg anyone no no i got another saying that we have down there yes sir all right what's that saying he says that the key to getting your hands on ready cash is in owning a building that nevertheless it's very wise observation i think yeah right when i meant by that was if you're going to be in competition big business conglomerate you ought to know how to start a good insurance partner yeah very right sir i've said that time to time i mean in business today in any kind of way it's apparently fine when you are going to be in the steep competition with [Applause] either [Laughter] [Music] eggs anyway you were saying sir yeah [Music] yeah well that's actually her quasimodo yeah impression just come here what are you trying to do to me i just want to get them out so i can go to sleep okay mark that man is just this far from making me vice president of a company that is renowned as the world's largest manufacturer of goldfish food i'm sorry so i didn't need to interrupt what was that you were saying well where was i it doesn't really matter anything you have to say is absolutely fascinating [Music] you have so much experience in the business sir expect anything about not another slogan and i always oh you mean the one that's on those little shorts that i bought for you wait in the car will you [Music] is the party's over from la traviata [Applause] you know sir i joined aca 15 years ago and i started out as a male boy but one thing i've always subscribed to sir i'm sure that you will agree with me because i really kind of learned it from you is that it takes uh it takes a it takes a uh a special man to tackle a special task right oh that's the slogan that's on those little shorts i bought too sweet you know uh mr brewster every every morning when i come into the the corporate headquarters of our company can you carry on is yes you know these are lovely pajamas i wish you'd gotten me a pair like this instead of that pair you ordered out of the back of that magazine it is an honor for me to take part in carrying on the tradition embodied in the spirit of hamilton peak booster ah needed this sir i'm not just saying that it's not it's not the liver which we live today there isn't much that one single person can do to make the world a better place one of the lucky ones who can do such a thing sir and i i want to tell you that i am proud to be a part of the tradition you know what tom bradley yes sir i like you i like you too all right you know something we ought to talk now if you're gonna be a vice president we all talk about [Music] [Applause] [Music] love will keep us together [Music] don't mess around you just got to be strong now stop i know that all of you know that the gentleman sitting here wrote that song and it was the biggest hit of 1976 and it's no accident that it was the biggest hit because a great song is a great song i mean that would have been a hit anytime or in any style i mean that would have been a hit 300 years ago oh come on carol oh easy well 200 years ago well perhaps i'll show you [Music] god will keep us together [Music] i'll be thinking look in my heart and let love keep us together together together together [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] um you you belong to me now i ain't gonna set you free now [Music] i'll be thinking of you look in my heart and let love keep us together [Music] whatever [Music] oh [Music] i will i feel [Music] just happy [Music] [Applause] [Music] love love will keep us [Music] gal comes along singing her song don't mess around you've got to be strong stop [Music] look in my heart and let love keep us [Music] together [Music] [Applause] whatever [Music] oh [Music] whatever [Music] highway [Applause] yes [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] look at my heart [Music] i wish i won't [Applause] i'm glad you didn't have to catch that plane please be sure and be with us next week when our guest will be ken berry i'm so glad we had this time together just to have a laugh or sing a song seems we just get started and before you know it comes the time we have to say so long sign it again [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] the preceding program was recorded before a live audience this is your wacko announcer speaking that's foolish [Applause] [Music] you

Channel: The Carol Burnett Show Official

Views: 103,040

Rating: 4.8833818 out of 5

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Id: qilNgCK6218

Length: 45min 53sec (2753 seconds)

Published: Thu Jun 03 2021