The Brutal Truth About Modern Relationships | Sadia Khan

here's the thing there's so much talk about the only fans girl and how emotionally broken she must be and this that and the other but the reality is there's a at least she's getting a pack she can literally change her Legacy she might have grown up in a counselor State and now can pay off her parents house and she can start that so of course emotional there's damage but she can be like it was worth it whatever she can have some self-esteem attached to it the man that's paying for it there's nothing to gain from it nothing but loss of self-respect before to have sex with a woman or to see her naked a man would have to be like right I have to have money I have to be successful I have to be kind I have to be caring I have to be masculine I have to be all of these amazing things that makes him a man and then he'd clear up so like the LV Elvis Presley's days a man would have to be all of those things to get a woman now it's like I'm really craving a woman I'm overweight I haven't got a job I'm playing video games all day but I'm I'm horny let me just watch porn and what men think is oh but she's 35 she's and over oh but she's been with guys so it doesn't work like that anymore because before it might have been like that because everybody in your town has coupled up but now especially if she's going to open an Instagram profile um the offers are endless yes Darren Lee let's kick off of course so your background is in psychology yes how have you gone from studying psychology to know doing everything that you're doing now helping a lot of young men and female as well actually have richer and better relationships oh I didn't know I was doing that but if I am doing that that's fantastic um it's a really happy accident it's a really I was always uh I studied psychology I understood everything and I was going going to go into educational psychology because my background is children and childhood trauma so I was going to focus on child psychology but I ended up just working in schools because it's kind of quicker and easier and the kids are so vibrant and I just enjoyed it um but I started to dislike teaching I think that's what motivated me I started to dislike teaching but still really love psychology and I just didn't know how to bridge the gap between that Young Generation but still bringing everything I've learned and enjoyed about psychology because I can be a clinical psychologist but then your audience is so limited to usually older people so I wanted to bridge that Gap and so I just started posting on Instagram thinking absolutely nothing of it and just saw it as like a little hobby which I actually did see as a hobby but a nice one and I I didn't realize that so many people didn't know this stuff and only when I started getting feedback people are like oh my God this has explained so much or this explains my relationship but this explains my mum and I was like oh you didn't know that and they're like I had no clue then I started realizing that people are going into relationships blind if you don't study psychology so I thought let me just try and push the psychology kind of agenda out onto the social media isn't it wild how some people like have no idea whether it's before they go into long-term relationships and how many people are in that bracket so maybe it could be more men and more women but they kind of go into these things not thinking the severity of their actions and life is a combination of your small actions yeah and as a result I think what happens is they don't realize it they don't realize it they don't realize it until they keep having the same blockage in their relationships most people have patterns so they don't realize that there's some kind of pre-existing trauma or insecurity that is almost orchestrating their behavior in relationships until they lose somebody they truly love or they hurt somebody they truly love then they take a minute and be like is there something there might be something wrong and that Curiosity I think led to clicking on my page and then they started being open to the idea because nobody really wants to go to a shrink and a lot of people especially the younger generation especially boys they think if you have to go to a therapist there's something already wrong with you so I knew that's what I'm going to be up against but if you do it in bite-sized forms on social media they'll click and even if they accidentally absorb something it's better than nothing and they're they're being helped already so on a full disclosure I actually saw a therapist recently but a year and a half ago I was super stressed at work and my girlfriend who had spent years of doing therapy she was like this will help you and I use better help at time which I always recommend people using it's a great app great app the therapist was based in somewhere in America and I just told her I was a really stressful whatever and they don't you know tell you what to do they kind of unlock yeah what you're meant to be thinking and how to think about this and it was the most beneficial thing I ever did absolutely two months eight sessions uh and I couldn't recommend that higher really what was it what was the light bulb moment for you when you were doing therapy I think it was more like the realization that was there a light bulb moment I think it was the fact that a lot of them were kind of actions I could have fixed if I started to think deeply and more about what I was doing so I was kind of like running through life meeting to meeting job to job but not slowing down to think why I was doing something so they would bring it back to obviously when you're younger what are those actions and a lot of stuff that was driven by me is to do a sport right so I was very like I'm still I'm like athletic but I was very much into high level sport when I was younger really bad injury on my knee and then completely couldn't do any um physical sport anymore which led me into bodybuilding endurance running oh wow so that's been a big kind of catalyst for how I think about things in the entrepreneurship space right so that's why the thing I love about working with entrepreneurs and CEOs is they are so unaware of what is causing them to pursue this route and they're just like these you know successful men and they think I've got my together I'm doing so well at work because they measure life success by work but they don't understand that becoming an entrepreneur and it says so much about you like if you tell me you're an entrepreneur tell me about your childhood well I usually can tell when somebody's an entrepreneur first thing I can tell is you don't really like Authority what happens to other entrepreneurs myself included and what happened and I'm not an entrepreneur but myself included but um entrepreneurs first thing I know is that you don't like Authority because the motivation to leave a steady income that is so safe and so reliable and just risk it all and Just Do Your Own Thing usually comes because you hate orders you don't like a position of authority You Need To Be Your Own Boss you can't go in to somebody else's workplace and being told what to do as a grown-up and so what that signals is there may have been this is me going in too deep but there may have been some kind of hostility with one parent or both there may have been some dictatorship that they didn't like they didn't trust the authority figure growing up so then what happens is they start to rebel against Authority and then the idea of having a boss emailing you saying oh you are six minutes late they can't do it whereas that person is very easy very happy to just be told what to do if be 55 years old and still clocking in and out of work they tend to be either people Pleasers or had a really passive kind of acceptance of authority growing up so that's usually the first thing I can tell is any of that ringing bells for you definitely definitely definitely but I think what's interesting there is the fact that it's people who have a an easier not easier group but like life is like they're financially sacrone up as a kid and then they're in like a nice city not much danger that's when they might go through that nine to five period and things are a little bit easier yeah but for me I guess like I was always kind of like hungry to provide for people survival mode exactly yeah like a family very ordinary didn't have a lot of money yeah but we're completely fine like and they've helped me a lot to project forward yeah in terms of give me opportunity but I kind of like always want it's probably like proving it to yourself as well yeah yeah but that kind of like ability doesn't stop is what I realized yeah especially if you came from economically deprived backgrounds there's if you ever felt unseen financially like you couldn't have your fan financial needs needs met it gives you that drive two things it either makes you accept ordinary or it makes you completely fear being broke you have an intense fear of being poor that drives you and then there's no there's no cap there's no like limit there's no like uh oh I'll stop at 100K a year they're just literally no limit and particularly when they grow up in environments where um I don't know if your viewers would know about council state and virus the reason why that really triggers entrepreneurship is they don't see a middle class they either see council state houses or rich houses there's no in between in their world they don't see what like where being a teacher will get you or where being a lawyer will get you they just see where they're living and like maybe on TV and stuff all the really successful people so they end up reaching for the Stars a lot more so it's there's so much that goes into the uh motivation behind a CEO and also the sacrifices they have to make and no sacrifices are our relationships and connections main thing as I said to you before and so the main purpose of my podcast is obviously it's like an entrepreneurship podcast but it's always an overarching team is to help younger people live a richer and more fulfilling life yeah I use the word richer and fulfilling because it's nuanced because richer can mean money bank but it can also mean better connections it can mean a better lifestyle yeah so how important is that you think in terms of like we're building relationships with people especially in the earlier days like how do we kind of come into these relationships without they're actually going to be something that are going to be successful not lead to divorce well the problem is there's lots of two two main problems I'm finding in modern CEOs firstly the skills that you have to Harbor in order to be successful at business are the exact opposite skills you need for successful relationships you have to be logical you have to be cut through it you have to be emotionally detached you have to kind of think things through and problem solve whereas relationships rely on you being non-logical entirely emotional entirely connected and in tuned with somebody's emotions being a CEO the last thing you need to be is in tuned with somebody's emotions because it's like you haven't come here on time you haven't sorted this out by um but those skills the more you kind of practice it the more detrimental it can be to a relationship so that's the first kind of problem the second problem particularly for really successful CEOs is they attract and they attract emotionally detached women the reason being is because the really emotionally connected woman who's super loyal and super loving she can't be with a man who's super busy but she can't do it she's too anxious she misses him too much she needs him home all the time she needs predictability she needs stability she wants a home she wants you to help her put the kids to bed at night whereas the woman that's like yeah you can go on business trips for a couple of months yeah you know I'll see you when I see you um she tends to be a bit more emotionally detached so what happens is that man ends up not having his emotional needs met at work and sometimes they can be missed at home as well so they end up having a little bit of a filter for that connection at home as well that's that's super interesting how does it work then in terms of like so when people are get like picking a partner yeah and obviously like there's like a high number of divorces happening recently I don't know what what the average is probably like 70 or 60. yeah what do you think are some of those like leading indicators that are leading towards people getting divorced people or CEOs they have different problems I would say I would say just say people to keep it more Evergreen yeah people getting a divorce tends to be um first thing I would say is too many Alternatives um we live in a times where you can replace your partner while still being in the same room as them you jump on the phone you download an app they are right there in front of you and you can message someone you and even if it's not a person it can be a a consumerism is meant it can be a holiday I can just go you're annoying me I'm going I'm going here look at the ability to replace emotions are so available now so I think the Alternatives is a really big one those with less Alternatives tend to last longer yeah and because they just don't have the alternative so they tend to stay connected um so the Alternatives one um the other thing that really kind of predicts it is not being in touch with each other's emotions like I was saying so what I mean by that the reason why that's increasing so much is we have so much access to like phones and distractions so what happens is when your partners come home with some kind of problem instead of stopping everything and listening You're Now on your phone busy this that and the other the connection dies and so people are feeling unseen and unloved and unheard and when people are feeling those things because we're all kind of a bit like I don't want to look like I'm being needy I don't want to look like I'm doing all the work instead of communicating it we go to the Alternatives and that's kind of what's happening with life instead of communicating and understanding that relationships have their roughs and tasks you just go to Alternatives now because it's so easy that's something I've actually really tried to work on in terms of like I have like work time and I'm working my phone's like off whatever and then if I am like posting on links do a lot of obviously podcast stuff that I mean my girlfriend Elise are together I have no phone no distractions whatever and then she's had to kind of work on that too because like she has her own business so she's had to kind of and the social media part of her business it's a huge everybody's right yeah it's horrible and then what happens is it's so addictive because you don't know what's uh kind of recreational and what's work so you end up just being on that phone forever 100 yeah and then the funny part about that is now the fact that I want to do activities that don't involve those things yeah so if you go for a walk or we have a dog I go to the beach might go for hikes yeah so it's about trying to like include those activities but where I find the most difficult is Monday to Friday yeah because that's the part where like your brain is just on you know like most people are working at all times during that period especially when you're doing like a global business so it's trying to put in those barometers whereby it's in the morning or in the evening yeah what do you think about kind of certain boundaries I think that's a great idea what happens when people are two people are busy the only reason it needs to disconnect is if there's no reliability what I mean by that is if me and my partner are both really busy um that's okay if I know every Friday we have dinner together we go out for dinner because what happens is all the anxiety and everything that you might be having all the emotions you know you've got an outlet for it a particular time or it might be we have dinner every day we've got dedicated time what happens to couples who end up living Separate Lives is they don't make that dedicated time so every emotion that they're harboring throughout the day like I'm stressed I'm upset and this and the other they haven't had a chance to release it to their partner because there's no dedicated time so they end up becoming resentful they start resenting them they're like you don't even know what my day was going on you don't even ask me about my business you don't ask me this because they didn't make that dedicated time so that resentment is almost like frozen anger they've got all this anger that they freeze in time and they hold on to and then when they try and come to couples counseling when they try and you know when one's straight or something like that it's years of emotional neglect that we can't undo in one same sessions what's the solution to that it's dedicated time yeah is debt is prioritizing what I mean by that is no matter how great your business is no matter how important I'm speaking for myself as well because sometimes I get carried away with it no matter how important all of these things is they mean nothing when you have no one to share that success with 100 you don't want to be under mental on your own absolutely you don't here's the thing we all get sick we all get old yeah now all of the business deals all of those things none of these people are going to be there when you get sick and odd yeah they're not even going to care when you when we pass away so when we sacrifice connections to kind of uh prioritize success we're measuring success on incorrectly success is measured by the people that will be there when you aren't successful how many of those relationships have you cultivated now if you're very financially successful but the people that would be there for you if you weren't so financially successful is getting less and less you are not successful does that make any sense it didn't make sense to me I think especially like as you're building like a business your network is getting bigger and like that's a big thing is that you want to build your network and you want to do that but then there's a clear distinction between who's a business partner or someone you could collaborate with and then someone who's actually there for you yeah exactly the network is getting bigger but it doesn't mean it's getting stronger 100 and there's only I can always set a you can count on like one hand how many close friends I have I don't want to extend that as well and you must be obviously very cognizant of it too because like your content is blown up so you can imagine with people that will contact you've been like hey you want to go for dinner it's really hard with mine it was really hard with my life what I find because of like when you've got a career like yours it's niche so whatever it is whatever intelligence or success or whatever it is only people in the no no because my kind of business is something that everybody can relate to because it's about human nature when I meet somebody and I talk to them just because that's how I talk they think they're best friends they're like she's my best friend you're gonna and I'm like sorry what was you your name again because I'm so connected to that human kind of uh activation that people connect to me very quickly but I just unfortunately I always say to everybody I only have two hands I'm so sorry sorry but I do love that because what happens is people feel connected very quickly and easily it's just that unfortunately I don't always have the time to nurture those connections so it's a bit annoying so that's the only thing that I find difficult have you managed to maintain all your connections as you become busier um to some degree you have to be more concise my time yeah sure and just more like time allocated whether I meet people or whether I allocate time for like WhatsApp messages do you have you how's your relationship with your parents since you've got busier good petite do you live in Ireland yes in Singapore so obviously I was I was at my side of my Christmas but I had some before that for like a year um what I'd love to do and what I always say this as well is that I'd love to build a house in Asia and have my parents live there yeah I need my parents I'm missing them as well at the moment they keep messaging me here and there and I always say oh yeah I'll message back and stuff and I just haven't had a chance I try to put up time for calls I I always do that so very stressful because they live in like the middle of nowhere in Ireland so I try to do like video calls when I can do this you know but trying to build that they're happy for you though they're proud 100 yeah I mean because I think they saw that I was quite disgruntled I guess in like the nine to five kind of setup yeah that kind of went very Soul destroying yeah so it's really good I want to ask you about marriage do you think we need to get married people need to get married especially men yeah especially men they need marriage so so much what happens is men seem to think especially in this day and age because of the toxic culture of relationships they're like we've got all the time in the world we don't have a biological clock but you have a financial clock and when you're single you waste so much of your time money and energy I promise you table hose uh kind of yeah I can say that right uh dating randomly this that and the other women draining your energy and resources it is such a waste of your precious precious energy now when you have a wife what it does of course she's annoying and I'm I'm not saying that she's going to be perfect and of course she stresses you out whatever it is but that box is ticked you're not on the streets you're not worrying about who's texting you back where you're going when you've got business meetings you're not thinking oh God and we're going to get a table I need to get girls on this table you know like you don't have to have those worries and stresses so what having one woman does is firstly it gives you that sense of stability and it helps you financially because you've got one person rather than spreading it out thinly and spreading it in clubs and stuff like that which a lot of single people do the other thing it does is she maintains your if she if you pick wisely this is a key if you pick wisely she encourages you to focus on your mentor and spiritual and physical health at the same time if you pick wisely yeah vetting is everything but when you pick a good woman hopefully you you set the boundaries correctly which a lot of successful men don't but if you do what she'll do is when you're stressed working working she'll be like you've got that backache have you gone to the doctor yet you know she'll nag you but she keeps you in check now when you meet those really successful men that don't have that what happens is they like look after themselves aesthetically but not internally so they'll be in the gym all the time because they're always single and stuff but internally they'll have a knee problem for four years or you know they'll have a broken brain cell and that they haven't checked out on and so it's there is so much to gain from Marriage from a man so so much and there's so much that you can lose as a man when you're just single especially when you're making money single with money dangerous I agree what are some of the factors to consider in a partner to get married I would say the main factor in a marriage is um it's not so much about your partner it's about your boundaries yeah I would say it's instead of a partner they need to be this for that and the other it's more about when you're selecting a partner you need to stay loyal and on your boundaries what I mean by this is if you have a partner and she's beautiful she's intelligent she's so so great but she keeps breaking her boundaries she keeps disrespecting you she doesn't you know listen to your advice or she keeps you know in contact with an ex or there's something going on that's a deal breaker every time you forgive that deal breaker it will come back magnified so when you pick a partner when you're watching out for the deal breakers and you're using those deal breakers as a signal that you that she's not good for you you will pick correctly but if you ignore deal breakers and think she'll get better I can change her if I just throw a bit of money at her she'll start behaving you're setting you're guarantee seeing the divorce what about from a female perspective who's women often say like oh I'll fix him or I can fix them to the bad guy or whatever but why why is there that attachment is that to do with childhood well yeah unfortunately what happens with people who have struggled with connections with their parents in their childhood they either had to earn the love or didn't receive the love or it was negative or hostile they seem to think that having to earn or create love in a person and get them to finally love you is normal they think you have to work at it they think you have to beg them they think you have to kind of get them and be patient but really people don't respect the person who accepts their unacceptable Behavior so if I'm unacceptable if I'm disloyal to you and I'm swearing at you and I'm rude to you and you still want to be with me I automatically don't love you anymore and the reason for that is because you've shown me I can be my worst and you'll accept it and I don't want to be my worst we all want to be our best I don't want to be hitting my husband and swearing at him when he accepts that there's a part of us that says why are you taking this as much as we might cry and beg you to take us back we don't like it whereas when a man sets boundaries for us as much as it's difficult we know it's going to bring out the best in US so when we accept the unacceptable we remove the connection rather than create it how do you communicate that with your partner every time his boundaries are really nice and easy every time you feel uncomfortable with a behavior you don't wait for it to then become a deal breaker so for example I don't like what my partner's coming home late a couple of times I don't wait for it to be staying over getting worse worse then say something because what happens is I wait for it to get too far the resentment's got too much and now it's hard to undo I voice it in that moment I listen to the part of my soul that's saying I don't like this and I say it to them calmly rather than bottling bottling bottling then exploding because then the partner's like what's wrong with you so I say it calmly in the beginning calmly calmly calmly let them know your boundaries now when they if you've got a good partner they're like oh sorry yeah it's just a couple of days I'll be home don't worry yeah but when you've got a partner that's like I do what I want it's a it's a signal that they're not looking to compromise it's friction you don't have to break up with them and you don't have to scream and shout and fight with them but it is a signal you can't ignore um so I mentioned you that I did like a lot of a lot of like rounds of uh therapy or whatever you would call like meetings whatever you call it I'm one thing that I always learned that was like so helpful was like you never say like you so like you're wrong yeah you came in late yeah I was wrong it said it's like I feel I feel I feel upset when this happens so I still haven't said the word you yeah so I say so that's just talking about hypothetical scenario so you said coming home late yeah like I feel like worried uh when um I have to go to bed on my own yes and then the other person's like oh you know now I finally understand how you feel and then make a change yeah and just by making those small changes my relationship has like massively amazing yeah because I'm even like non like non-related to the relationship just even like communicating how you actually feel about yourself oh yeah so like instead of me being like Oh that goes a prick or that person like did me wrong or whatever it's like I feel frustrated because this has not happened and now I have to make this like change or whatever yeah yeah is actually the best way to communicate a criticism because behind every criticism is a need your partner has a need and what's happened when they criticize you is that they don't feel safe to express that need but they do feel comfortable saying a criticism but how you change that and make it more productive is just three steps you start with i you feel I am I feel you start with a feeling you state exactly what you're upset about the actual event and then you say what you need so I event and the need what I mean by this is I feel upset when you come home late yeah I need you to let me know when you're going to be late or what people who break up they'll say things like You're so selfish you don't care about me this is what you always do I don't even want to talk to you they do the opposite whereas if I say I and you state your feeling you stay on a specific event that upset you and then you explain to them what you need from them that leads to constructive communication for couples that's amazing yeah I love that yeah we jump straight into we're the same by the way when I meet Irish people they're just like their parents are like us you have like mothers like we have so it's very much our families are very similar but again yeah I like as I said my partners Americans so it's quite different from that Dynamic you know but I wanted to ask more about the dating sort of thing so uh obviously the dating world's like pretty kind of mental at the moment do you think that like the doing is one of the varieties of kind of this kind of like difficulties the fact that Instagram is skewed our perception of what like yeah a good partner is or like someone who's pretty or someone who is like respectable yeah and like not necessarily even Instagram like all different platforms like Tinder platforms or dating platforms or whatever I would say each of them had a different effect but they were all as detrimental as each other Tinder was groundbreaking because what it introduced is the idea that you can have um casual relationships at the drop of a hat yeah they had you can be as casual as you want a drop of a hat and it taught people you no longer need to experience heartbreak just get distracted so what happened is when in the past when you break up with someone you'd be a little bit hurt and you dwell on the situation and try and self-improve and then either get that person back or just work on yourself that has been replaced with just download Bumble just download Tinder what's wrong with you and your friends would recommend that absolutely then have you been on any dates yet yeah so so here's what's happened our coping mechanisms is no longer a self-improvement our coping mechanisms are how do I find somebody else and as a result we're going from one trauma to the other trauma carrying that baggage with us and projecting it so I think Tinder was the devil's like a workshop for marriage yeah it's exactly what the devil ordered for marriages because it completely distracts and um takes the takes away the commitment element in relationships so Tinder had that effect and I felt like Facebook and stuff just helped you kind of well not I'm saying it lightly because it's light in comparison what Facebook did was help you reconnect with Old Flames maybe and it created that Dawn but what Instagram did is it completely revolutionized what men look for in Partners in the worst way possible what happened with Instagram is men started seeing very perfect pictures of women in a particular way and then what happens is women see what men like this is what men don't realize they're simple double tap directs women so what happened is every girl that was getting more and more popular on Instagram became the framework for the young girls that was watching her boy like pictures bodies morphing we all look the same now I'm saying even myself like we do I get all my makeup tips and stuff yeah like everybody else does and stuff and um so we we morphed into the same kind of person and what's happening is we were so so distracted by that that what happens is when we see normal we see it as unattractive normal becomes unattractive so a normal body is unattractive stretch marks is unattractive a man that doesn't work out is unattractive rather than being grateful men now or women they want somebody that they can show a picture of before if I said to you 20 years ago if I said to you um I'm dating a guy you just say okay fine but now it's like show me a picture so we're like oh let me oh he doesn't have any okay he doesn't post much so what's happened is it's it's encouraged shallow connections it's really encouraged that and more so than anything it's given women so many insecurities because she gets to see in real time what men how what sorry what women her partner finds attractive by who he's following who is liking it creates so much it's so many insecurities in both men and women the platforms literally drive a particular look yeah and like even forgetting about like women because you can discuss like the the nuances of that but even from like a male perspective it's the tall tanned shredded perfect hairline guy yeah and then as a result then that's whatever moves towards and that's even including me like as in you know train a lot whatever but what's interesting here is the fact that there's a next layer up which is guys that are on gear goes around like performance announcing drugs that get you closer to that look so we celebrate that look closer and then like there's even more like drugs that would make the guy look even better and not too big because girls don't like guys that are too big yeah so there's even like a better look than that and then there's obviously the female equivalent of that result yeah so like how has that changed like literally our perception of like who we want because that person who we want may not be who personally want as a long-term partner and yeah here's a problem with especially for men what's happening is they're so visual they're so visual so the woman that they want is always gonna be the girl that is has her whole body out on Instagram it's perfectly done and she's you know always posting because she comes into his foresight he sees her all the time so she gets the most attention and she's the one that he probably lusts after the most now the problem is that woman who's doing all of those things is actually probably not ready for a relationship and it's probably not marriage material but because marriage material women tend not to want so many Alternatives all the time they tend not to want so much male attention because they actually prefer to just invest in one but that woman who kind of posts all the time and all of these things there is an element of narcissism in there yeah and I'm saying this even myself I've got a following now and stuff and I never knew any of this existed because before I it was on Instagram I only started it a year ago but for years I just had a private Instagram no pictures of me maybe a picture of my nephew and that's about it and so I saw that side of life and then I opened it up um not on a a beauty kind of a thing but you know when you're open to the public you're open to public uh praise and criticism so I I got to see the other side of life yeah I got to see it luckily I did it in a healthy way but I just remember thinking if I'm getting these kind of offers and DMS which I you know which by the way don't give me those offers I'm never going to reply um but if I am getting those and I'm just posting a little bit like hi how are you imagine if I was posting my body imagine if I was posting my boobs and balm and imagine what their DMS look like so how can that woman not become narcissistic how can that woman stay humble when every time her boyfriend annoys her all she needs to do is post a picture of her a throwback from when she was on a beach and she's forgotten about him does that increase the competition amongst men then for female Partners well what's happening is men think that they're in control more than they actually are men think they're the picks because well especially with the podcast scene they'll tell you oh women she ages out at 30 or this woman again um but they also women age out at 30 women your timeline is so short they don't realize that for women especially in this day and age the timeline is endless when a woman turns 20 she's got every guy from 18 to 30 following her and messaging her but when she turns 30 she's just got the same amount of men just pushed forward it's 30 to 40. when she turns 40 there are still men 40 to 60 seeing her as a young chick her if she's attractive her cue is endless and what men think is oh but she's 35 she's over oh but she's been with guys so it doesn't work like that anymore because before it might have been like that because everybody in your town has coupled up but now especially if she's gone open Instagram profile um the offers are endless I want to ask you about um only fans so from just like meeting some people stuff like the the funnel if I will of only fans is literally wild so like I don't know can you tell me about that yeah full disclosure oh yeah so so some people do most girls make money or is it just a tiny percentage of women so it's like it's like anything it's you know it's skewed to the top the people at the top make a shitload 100K 50k 75k a month wow some then make zero some then make 200 so the average is like 500 a month and the reason why that is because it's skewed towards people who makes right okay so there's like let's say like 10 million users but only 100 000 to make all the money yeah okay but like people like with anything in life like with anything especially even like podcasting right but the the funnel if you will if you're familiar with like sales funnels right is that they have Instagram they're in Dubai they're in Bali they're in uh ibita put on perforo then you go from there to Twitter right and on Twitter they're a bit more open a bit more like less clothes on yeah and they're sending them to a free page I don't know any fans right which gets a guy to sign up and they drive them to a paid page oh wow so steps so it steps and then the paid page is only 7.99 a month but the real money is in the DMS okay so that's where people ask for a particular photo and then it's a thousand dollars two thousand dollars two thousand dollars we can get into the type of people who actually purchase them soon but that availability of getting the top one percent like beautiful girl to just talk to me back yeah has has surely screwed and up any sort of like relationship or top process of how we should go about relationship both both it affects both men and women equally here's the thing there's so much talk about the only fans girl and how emotionally broken she must be and this that the other but the reality is there's a at least she's getting a perk she can literally change her Legacy she might have grown up in a counselor State and now can pay off her parents house and she can start that so of course emotional there's damage but she can be like it was worth it whatever she can have some self-esteem attached to it the man that's paying for it there's nothing to gain from it nothing but loss of self-respect because when a man has to remember how he feels afterwards when he's finished paying and she's not messaging and he's finished his subscription she doesn't look at him again or even when he's finished physically finish just doing whatever it is he does there's no way he's proud of himself in that moment because what men are actually wanting is intimacy they think they want sexual kind of pleasure but they're really craving emotional intimacy and because in this day and age they're not open about that and they don't have wives and they don't have close relationships with moms and sisters or whatever it is they're craving emotional intimacy masking it as sexual preference and sexual pleasure and then still not understanding why they feel so low so the depression is through the roof you want to hear the wireless thing go ahead that what you just think so a lot of these girls absolutely I would I if I I was you know what if there was a psychology version of only fans I would definitely sign up you know and I would never touch it I would never touch it and I'll just have some somebody I'm paying in India to just reply to it and stuff like that's no offense when I say India from Pakistan yeah yeah a lot of the outsourced because of the Outsource right there are other people from the Philippines but you are you'll find it's funny because it's dudes a lot of the people that respond are gay guys of course because they know what what tips off okay so like if I knew which I obviously don't know which I obviously know is like all the tendencies that are going once if I'm a gay guy I don't mind speaking to this like or male and I was telling him exactly what need to say and then he's dishing it all the cash he's making a percentage and it's going to the woman so that's where it gets even funnier than that that's where it gets more complex is the fact that you've used these top tier models and then they're not even doing anything it's just other guys that are running yeah and and here's the thing what men need to wake up to when they're even when they're watching porn and stuff like that a lot of them are looking for that part where the woman looks into the camera and looks it gives them that eye contact that's what they're actually craving and even these men that have like sugar babies and stuff like that they want loyalty and commitment out of this girl so if it was just sexual pleasure then they wouldn't get so upset when she doesn't reply or she doesn't they're looking for connection that's what you're truly looking for every human man woman child dogs we're looking for connection when we mask it with sexual pleasure it's because the system is skewed and designed to get money out of you we must the true need is connection if they tell if the governments or if the companies tell you the cure to your depression is connection the Curious loneliness is connection that's free how do I Market that we you just go connect with your family and friends that's totally free but if they tell you oh actually it's sexual pleasure let me show you pornography pictures or if I tell you oh it's actually you need an SSRI and let me show you this that the other you will always be a slave to consumerism so take yourself out of it take yourself out of that rat race they don't care about you so the the tree to typical um guys that would be on only fans and I've been told this from you guys so fascinated by this because so I know I know guys that run agencies that manage models right so that's why I I noticed okay they're on my podcasts like guys amazing so the three genres which of guys will be the guy that's quite introverted and not that like socially like video game kind of guy yeah but also like you know he's a software engineer for Google and he makes 500k a year oh wow right so it's exactly successful yeah it's a successful nerd exactly yeah so therefore he doesn't go out or whatever and he'll speak to a girl that he finds really attractive and he may pay 2K a month right okay so that that's one bracket which okay whatever so that's probably a good Niche to Target yeah and but from a business perspective my brain is like from what I've heard is yeah the guys are like pretty happy with it whatever right yeah then the order bracket is really really rich or goes so Mega rich guy is our own ship ship companies and then they're paying someone who's 21 and that's it the worst category in the last category is someone who's in a marriage it's a husband right who is paying someone that's doing this on the sleigh with a second phone what do you think people are doing what waiting that category is doing it he's neglected from his wife you think so yeah there's an element of neglect and this is something that women get really offended when I tell them this but the reality is men are babies yeah and they really aren't babies now when um when the wife and this is no this is not her fault but when you have kids with women when they naturally have kids and all of these things they are designed to just focus on the children it's how we're designed biologically we have the hormones we have the obsession we get so much oxytocin from just kissing that child what happens then is she doesn't even see her husband anymore so he comes into his home and almost feels like a stranger in his own home because it's like mom and baby they're so connected baby is always a bit like it's connected she can't switch off he'll go for dinner with his wife and she's thinking about the baby baby baby slowly that that husband feels more and more neglected and what happens then is because it's so weird to say to your wife why are you always with the baby can you give me a kiss instead it's such a weird conversation to have so what they end up doing is seeking that elsewhere now it's not all men some men dive into the Parenthood with their wife they hold their hand a wife's hand and go straight into the children but other men especially if they didn't receive a lot of love growing up they need that personalized attention so when they're not getting it from their partner instead of communicating it they go Source it somewhere else that's super interesting it's weird to see him go that fair and that extreme well it depends what kind of husband you have some men really do just like my dad was like this he was very involved in the kids so he would not care that she's not my mum's not really paid him much attention and stuff but other men I have uncles like this where they really seek attention from their wife and they get like play with me be with me kind of vibe and um so I everybody's different but it does depend on their level of self-esteem and their pre-existing traumas you mentioned porn how much is a fry men's like brains and dopamine I've been speaking about this a little bit recently but my end goal from whatever it is that I've created on social media is to really really undo some of the prevalence of porn because there's no one factor that destroys a man's manhood more than pornography this is what meant why it does it yeah the first thing it does is of course it creates unrealistic expectations which we all know but the problem with that is it's causing early impotence by the time a man is 27 now he has seen more pornographic images than the average like 90 year old man he's seen more nudity so what happened and more extreme versions of nudity so what happens is it starts mild and then but if you're starting at 10 how much mild porn can you watch that's the average age of when they start yeah God forbid yeah that's the average age now if you're starting at 10 watching pornography how much casual pornography can you watch by the time you get to 15 it turns into something else and by the time you get to 20 it turns into something else by the time you get to tea it turns into criminal Behavior yeah so what happens is the average woman can no longer stimulate you and you find yourself having erectile dysfunction but the bigger issue I feel like it causes men is they no longer feel like they need to work on the skills and the attributes it takes to attract a woman before to have sex with a woman or to see her naked a man would have to be like right I have to have money I have to be successful I have to be kind I have to be caring I have to be masculine enough to be all of these amazing things that makes him a man and then he'd clear up so like the LV Elvis Presley's days a man would have to be all of those things to get a woman now it's like I'm really craving a woman I'm overweight I haven't got a job I'm playing video games all day but I'm I'm horny let me just watch porn whereas before you'd be like get yourself up come on go talk to women so they're losing the drive of what makes them masculine so they become more and more uh emasculated and they become a weaker version of themselves every time they watch it because they can satisfy themselves without working on themselves it's a lot of cheap dopamine it's been very cheap and but also very very dangerous to open me of course but I think like so I've given up alcohol for the last 10 and a half months I've never tried alcohol in my life no way no well you know just an angel I'm so so impressed by people who give it up though even though I've never tried it the people that give it up are the ones I have to face so much peer pressure and they have to really go against the grain whereas for me nobody pressures me because they know I'm never gonna try it me so the reason why it was a little bit easier for me is because I'm literally in the middle of Asia on my own it's me my girlfriend my dog a lot of my like Network are a lot older so from my podcast like a lot of my friends could be like 40 50. maybe 27. so it's fine and we go for dinner and they'd be like oh do you want like this like four thousand dollar like glass of wine I'm like I'm okay you know so it's fine but of course I've come from like Irish culture I'm No Angel like I said I've been to like every event in ibita you can never eat the name of right over the course of like six years from like say 19 to 24 25 I had my party days and now I'm kind of in the building phase of what I would say and congratulations all that kind of yeah but those cheap dopamines are so easier to lean into so drink obviously there's like sex drugs all that kind of stuff as well how would you recommend someone that kind of clear their mind from all that well here's what alcohol does it's pseudo-confidence and what again here's the goal of a man should be to have a natural element in him that enables him to be masculine now when you take alcohol what it does is I mean I've never tried alcohol but what I have noticed about myself comparatively to my friends who drink is that I am not waiting for something to kick in before I stop being me I'm not waiting for a drug to sink into my body for me to be authentic I'm not waiting for it to sink in for me to start dancing I'll walk into an environment if there's music on I'm like ready to roll because and my friends are like let me just let this sink in I'm like what song is thinking about let me just and I'm like it's so foreign to me I'm just like what are we waiting for this song is good but it's like what happens then when you do that is you numb your authenticity you numb your ability to be confident without that's it you numb your ability to say what you want to say without it you numb your ability to talk to women without it so you're numbing your authenticity you're suppressing who you truly are and waiting for the alcohol to unleash it but true confidence and true self-esteem and true needs are met when you can be whoever you truly are in the absence of any kind of external um doses so when they can finally be themselves you can only do that when you don't rely on alcohol and then you know what you truly feel and what you truly like as well because what happens is I'll sometimes be with friends and we're in the shittest place but because they're drinking they're still they're like it's fine it's fun like no it's not this place is a dive why are we here they're pretending it's fun because they've got the extra kind of added dose but when you remove that you can actually experience life authentically and only when you experience life authentically is a life worth living and I think a lot of it is under insecurities and like I say this with no sense of spirit yeah yeah I'm sure if I could drink I mean it's religious reasons but I'm sure I would be I would be the worst if I could drink but like from what was like enough so common I guess um and not like Irish people just just in general is that like when I was younger probably because I was a bit more uh influenced as more influenced by people you know so I'd always have like a gin tonic in my hand and I'd also have a cigarette so if we're out of an event I'd always have both hands are occupied right and then when you remove that you're like what do I do with these things yeah so then like as a like kind of like stepped away from it I've become actually way more confident than like you realize you can dance my own interests and my own like uh values yeah I'm like oh I don't really need to so like for instance like when I met a couple people here they all don't drink as well which is really interesting because like the boy like there's lots of people that are pushing really hard they're like yeah let's just go chill out you know why that you know why that is because Dubai's culture is it's very expensive to drink unless you're doing brunches which makes it very cheap to over drink so it's unlimited drinks all very expensive so people have done branches and realized how unbearable alcohol your body's rejecting it so they get so sick of the branches that they think my body can't take this anymore and then they go through the cleanse period yeah because your body rejects it yeah I think everyone should just do like 30 days and then you see a comparison because you literally it's like an A B test you see what it was and what I am and I'm not saying forever I just think that even for me I like the fact that I go like one to months and I think it's just so significant because like as I mentioned like 27 I know quite extroverted I could do that every everyone I want to do yeah but I think I have like other goals which I'm not saying a lot of people don't it's just for what I want to do but I definitely think I attribute a lot of my confidence down to the fact that I can't rely on anything yeah in your education yeah yeah and you've gone to other things yeah you weren't out getting shit-faced yeah I mean it was an option my dad is you know he's Pakistani yeah you know it wasn't it's great now I love the boundaries because they've enabled me to optimize my potential uh obviously at the time I just thought I can't do anything even if I wanted to that's why one of the things I always make clear it's not I didn't have a choice when it came to having a really kind of um a kind of non-promiscuous Lifestyles my parents were created it and then it cultivates in yourself and it because you internalize it so it wasn't like a choice I made I'm sure if I had the freedom I wouldn't have made these choices but I would say that I promise you you find authenticity when you remove alcohol from your life and you find you realize who you actually enjoy the company of you realize you know when you're talking to a girl in a club and you're fully drunk is she seems so interesting you're like yeah I want to take her out and you go on a date with her sober and you're like this dumb so it's a dumb and then they call me my friends always call me and they're like oh she's so boring and I said but you were so drunk when you spoke to Urban and they're like oh she's not even that prettier that you were drunk that's the thing and then imagine how many bad decisions come from that desire to escape your real life through the use of alcohol think of how many children have either been born or aborted just because you wanted a fun night out it's not worth it 100 I want to ask you about money so we're in can I have some do you have any we're in obviously like a very like Rich Yeah country Rich area and even in Singapore as well as they're very wealthy do you think that like females are more drawn towards guys with money what happens is in cultures where there's lots of money it attracts beautiful women yeah because what happens with very beautiful women is they realize how much they can get for free so they start to clock onto that very quickly so what happens in cultures like that is that you get super successful men and super beautiful women and now the money attracts women absolutely but it tracks disloyal women money only attracts disloyal women if you're an old man with lots of money and you're overweight and this and the other but you're getting lots of girls you're not getting girls you're getting girls you're getting investors people who want to get money out of you that's what you're getting but money only attracts emotionally unavailable women but looks or even like character or Charisma or comedy all of these things actually attracts connection so yes money attracts women just like having a pair of big boobs attracts men but is that what you want do you want to just attract men with big boobs it doesn't lead to connection so it's Hollow I've um I've seen some studies before I just like heard them about you might you may see this kind of reference like the uh the cheerleader and the college jock reference so I actually haven't so you'll have to teach me so the cheerleader who's the main cheerleader she's a cheerleader captain and you have the quarterback right and when you're in high school they're like super super like you know popular and everything yeah and as they go on to their career the cheerleader becomes a lawyer and the quarterback becomes nodding he just works at Walmart drinks beer all night plays video games and watches porn and then they've kind of diverged out and as a result in the relationships are like a unbalance yeah therefore like they've grown differently have you ever seen kind of references towards that as well in terms of like actual success with like money because if people get together when they're both yeah when the same place but then this guy goes off the company he runs all the ego everything runs into it I see this a lot with celebrities um you know I it's not like I know millions of celebrities but you know I'm quite lucky with my circle and I see this a lot with footballers I see a lot with rappers and I see it a lot with just athletes in general what happens is they are encouraged to be with somebody from before the fame they're really encouraged to do that because they can't trust people when they become famous they don't know who wants them everybody's a bit awkward and inauthentic with them so they're always with somebody from before the fame but the problem is the person that they chose before the fame and the money and all of those things is she no longer needs to work on herself because she has to be your Pillar of Strength she almost puts herself on pause he is then going on to conquer the world now the problem that happens is when he comes home there's no emotional or intellectual intimacy what I mean by that is if she's been at home cooking and cleaning out looking after the kids as beautiful as that is it hasn't the man that's been closing deals or performing on stage or scoring goals has nothing in common with that because there's been no Drive in her day she can't talk about the Peaks and troughs of her day the way he can so what ends up happening is he's no longer inspired and he's no longer intellectually stimulated so he doesn't realize that's what it is he thinks he's just bored of it but then all it takes is him to meet a girl that works in top accounting firm and she says something interesting and he glorifies that statement he's like oh my God my wife's never said something so intellectual and they start to become drawn to intellectual intimacy because their days are so stimulating and they can't relate to that bored housewife so that's the problem I do find that's interesting though because I was thinking that like the CEO of dude whatever whatever yeah he would not be as interested in the boss babe who's also trying to build her career here's the thing they they don't like the boss baby if it's masculine and rejecting yeah and that's what it is it's not what you do it's how you make your partner feel if I'm a boss but I'm still looking after my man I'm still kissing him hugging him making him feel loved he's not gonna mind that I'm a boss but if I'm a boss babe and I'm like oh I'm not coming home for a couple of days or I'm not spending time with you that's what they don't like that is actually how you're making them feel but there is something so stimulating and attractive about somebody else who's at who matches your intellectual level not I'm not talking about financial level intellectual level now if you're having a busy day podcast talking to really intelligent people and then you come home and let's say for example I don't know anything you can't share some of that wisdom you learned today I have a lot of uh you know interesting conversations every day if I'm with somebody who doesn't get it I'll end up just saying oh work was fine work was fine it was okay what are you internally you're thinking there's no point telling you you won't get it so there's a disconnect how much can you talk so that's why it needs to a problem how do you share enough with your partner but it doesn't become all about work because if you're the CEO bro like you do nothing else but spreadsheets right so how do you how do you create that kind of like uh balance but also how about that kind of like excitement in a relationship that's not that's what I was talking about well you talk about what's mutually interesting yeah so let's say for example you're talking about spreadsheets I don't care about finances I'm very like it's just not my thing but if you come and speak to me about spreadsheets I'm not going to be interested but if you're going to say to me because I'm I'm a psychologist if you say I felt so nervous in a meeting today I felt so angry with a colleague today that I can connect to why what happened oh he said there's an element of mutual interest but if you say this spreadsheet doesn't I don't know how spreadsheet I can't even complete the sentence this crypto broker I don't know I don't know anything about these things so if you say that to me my brain doesn't work but if you say I'm so stressed because then my brain is activated so it's about expressing mutual interest makes sense yeah that makes sense I want to get into um like attractiveness like so your perspective is obviously going to be very unique versus the red pill community so loses what's here so I don't even really know what does that even means it wasn't like I I totally meant like anti-matrix and I was like oh yeah yeah that's what I thought I was like this is great but then apparently there's all like black pills and notice all different colors yeah but what your reservations or not um my reservations is that is it's men who don't have the qualities it takes to get women um and have healthy relationships giving advice to other men about what makes a healthy relationship now here's the thing I'm not saying everybody has to be married with kids to give advice or anything like that but if you're taking somebody who's faced a lot of rejection and a lot of like negativity because usually it stems from that you know the red pill they're very angry about you know this went wrong this is what women are like and this is they're all it's usually the men that face a lot of rejection in some way shape or form and through their rejection they've got lots of wisdom and another thing they're totally wrong through their rejection they've got a lot of wisdom and then they give you all the tricks about women and this that and the other and they but here's the thing they don't they talk about women not being accountable they're totally unaccountable because here's the trick if you vet a woman correctly and you stand by your boundaries and you select correctly you will never have a problem with women but when you allow them to disrespect you when you break your boundaries when you you know accept the unacceptable of course you're gonna have problems not just with women with everybody so it's it's making men feel like women are these like awful kind of enemies but the reality is I I don't struggle with getting a man to be nice to me because I don't accept a man that's not nice to me so therefore I can't relate to that girl that's like men are trash that's on the other because I'm just like well I don't allow that behavior to enter my life similarly if a man is talking about women or they're swimming that what it signals is you've allowed unacceptable Behavior that's on you you have to take accountability for that so if we start taking accountability for our selection process we won't be Redfield blackfield Bluefield we will just be healthy what do women find attractive um if I was trying to say one word that women find attractive I would just say masculinity and what I mean by masculinity and I know that I keep talking about this but I promise you women find boundaries very attractive they pretend that they don't here's the thing they'll say you can't tell me what to do yeah you can't yeah here's the thing they'll say you can't tell me what to do I'm My Own woman this that and the other but there's something so attractive about a man that says uh who's not a people pleaser when you're with a people pleaser what happens then is you you just can't get that same chemistry for him because you he just likes what you like whereas when he's not a people pleaser and he lets you know what's what there's something so it's so attractive about that because then what happens is you can allow him to lead you can give him some of the decision making now when my partner is not a people pleaser I can just be like oh what should I do in this situation what should I do not that you need to do and I'm like oh I feel shy saying that and he's like no no because he's not a people pleaser but if he was a fever pleaser I couldn't make those phone calls I can't I can't I can't ask him do I look nice in this yeah you look nice should I go here yeah whatever you think I'm not getting anything from that therefore I can't submit because I can't trust him to lead so I think the boundaries and not being a people pleaser is the most attractive thing to a woman so from a guy's perspective they will have their own idea about what guys find or what girls find attractive so what would you say the Flip Flip Side to that is so like what men find attractive in women I think without them realizing I think the real thing that they find attractive in women is a woman who is incredibly nurturing I think no matter how self-sufficient and how masculine a man is but when a woman takes care of or predicts his needs before he says it he can't help but milk so if she knows he might be hungry and there's something ready if she knows that you might be tired there's a coffee already if she knows that he's got work in the morning he's going to be in a rush there's a shirt ironed these kind of nurturing acts makes a man feel loved and I don't think they realize it because they're so conditioned to not expect that from women anymore and see that as oppressive and see that as toxic they're just like oh no I don't even expect that but when they receive it they act like babies like just received an opened and present they're like oh coffee for me like you know like you did that for me and it's like oh yeah and I think they don't realize that that is actually their Universal love language you never mentioned looks there they do matter but you know to each their own uh and honestly it's there's a market for everybody there is a market for everybody you can be attractive unattractive tall short fat skinny there's a market for everybody there's somebody who will find you attractive some people are luckier than others but the reality is there's a market for everybody I want to ask you about um you know like so on the on the attractiveness side is not like the physical components getting that's kind of been taking a little bit fur out of context recently with the fact that you know as you mentioned like ghosts can take steroids girls can get any type of surgery these days but they go like more and more extreme well well here's the problem it's it's ideal it's why we're having so many short-term relationships because it's like putting a plaster of a broken leg like you can cover it and this and the other but the reality is it needs fixing and so what's happening is people are masking their insecurities with a beautiful package but when they get together it takes a relatively insecure person to invest so much into their appearance that insecure person is then going to attract another insecure person but they haven't worked on the vulnerabilities that's causing a disconnect so I think that's why we're so focused on short-term because looks is a very short-term strategy so if we put emphasis on that we're emphasizing what makes short-term connections so it's sad but it is the way of the world I can't you know it's also been around for so long though I know it's been like you know it's it's like 10 times worse like no but I was thinking like if you went back to the 70s and 60s they were like the first boob jobs here's the thing I know like I'm a psychologist and stuff like that and people always say oh you know you're a psychologist you wear makeup and this that and the other like I shouldn't or something like that but I'm always going to wear makeup I wear it on my funeral if I have to yeah so um but here's the thing looks matter and if you aren't attractive that doesn't matter but you can still be attractive as in you can take care of your body you can take care of your physique you can take care of your outfits and this looks matter and the reason they matter is they're a signal of your self-esteem what I mean by this is and I'm talking for myself as well when I'm not feeling good and I've maybe gained weight or something like that I'm in black but this that and the other it signals it's my signal to the world don't look at me but when I'm feeling good looking good I make more of an effort now the reality when I have clients come to me especially men and they say they're feeling low and this and the other if they're overweight I say you need a PT not a psychologist go to a PT first I love that I'm such a because I'm like you're too fat to be here I'll say I'll say it so take care of yourself oh no okay I'm confident I'm like okay I'm gonna have a conversation with you boost your ego for 10 minutes and then you're gonna go eat cake what is the point of that conversation fix your body first I promise you you won't even need me and think of how difficult it is to get all those things right so training nutrition diet sleep have all that stuff in check even professionals and stuff not even making loads of money but if you just get a good job or it's a job that makes you respect yourself yeah then you bring that to the dating Market whether you're in a bear talking to a girl or if you use an app to talk to a girl and you're not grateful every time a girl looks at you because you're like well I look after myself and this and the other one it's abundance and here's the thing I work with many CEOs and successful men they tend to have very predictable routines they wake up stupid early and they tend to get their workout out the way they work work out stupid time in the morning and uh you know by stupid o'clock they finish and they don't they usually just eat one meal a day and so I'm not saying that this is optimal but the most successful men I know are strict with what they put into their body because it's a signal of self-respect now same thing with women if and you know this whole body shaming culture and this that and the other and you know I could be very taken out of context but here's the thing if you're an overweight woman coming to me to saying how do I build confidence you go to your gym I I can't do it for you because what what's what what's causing your lack of confidence is your inability to respect your body you have to respect it first and that includes not just the food you put in who you share it with everything you have to respect your body so until you lose the weight I it's limited what I can do for you 100 yeah I think there's so many nuances to that like and I've been training for 13 14 years for this exact reason because were you ever a personal trainer uh no I was going to go down the route of the fitness side of things but I actually like my backgrounds and software like like software engineering oh wow uh well mixed with kind of business as well so I wanted to I actually was built I actually built a PT app amazing when you're 18. is it still around or it's from my final year but then you make apps uh yes my backgrounds in software and so obviously pivoted into the podcast words oh amazing so I worked with some like big uh scale-up companies startup companies but what I'm trying to say is that I've just always had that passion like interest and just even here like as in I went to Tom Khan's gym yeah training there yeah I just like like but here's the thing I'm not passionate about working out and I love food I really do I don't enjoy the gym it doesn't do it you know the people that love it and stuff like that I've been doing it for years and years I've never developed that love love for it but the reality is I have to do it because otherwise I suffer psychologically I suffer I know I'll suffer like in Ramadan I can't really work out I can cut my food but I can't really work out I see the change in my body I see how I don't like myself as a result I've psychologically suffer so I go regardless even if you don't have that because so many people say oh I hate the gym I hate the gym I don't have time for the gym if you don't have time for the gym you should definitely not have time to eat so much eat less you know compensate do something but food comes but body comes first it's mind body and so we're holistic humans we can't work on one without the other it won't work it's multifactorial yeah I want to ask you about um kind of rise and people saying oh you should have like multiple girlfriends and stuff like this right so what do you think I'm gonna say to this obviously like the the practice the perfect practical side of things yeah like you know should you do that or not but I also want to discuss from like the women's perspective the psychological impacts of a guy who who has multiple girlfriends but I want to give the caveat that the guy takes care of financially of eventually but he's also there like emotionally for like the children and he's also like plays a big parrot in there so that's obviously like a lot to do but yeah here's the thing um women that accept cheating men are cheating women it's really that simple and women who don't accept cheating men are the loyal ones so if you're going to cheat on your wife and you're going to cheat on your partner you think but I'm looking after her so it's okay and the red pill Community really pushes that here's what they're not realizing only Unfaithful women are okay with that deal I promise you I work with them every single day what happens is the woman that's actually loyal and really loves you she can't handle the anxiety of it she can't do it because she's too loyal she's too loving to this and the other she disappears she makes her life hell she's horrible whatever it is but she's you tends to be loyal but the woman who is there for a paycheck and who's there sneaky accepting it this that and the other I promise you she's plotting her revenge because in this day and age the the loyal woman and where she would just stay at home and just close the door when you would do something they don't exist anymore we have to accept that doesn't exist anymore so if that woman doesn't exist anymore yeah and yet you want to do that lifestyle except that only the women that are able to take a financial rather than an emotional investment are going to stay you're filtering it out those women are tend to be disloyal so if you are going to create that Dynamic be prepared that you're also getting it back but she's not telling you and she's doing it or using your wallet that's when it gets even more of like a I've never seen it not work that way never maybe because I do in big cities and stuff maybe it's different in like you know rural areas and this and the other way the women doesn't have it but the reality is it takes a certain type of woman that accepts that and that type of woman is the one that's like okay I'm gonna keep quiet but honey that's so dangerous you know what I mean like the whole here's what it is the children suffer that's what I mean yeah it's going to be back to the core and put that generation in my in my experience of seeing couples with both are doing that the only people that suffer are the children because Mom is disconnected dad is disconnected and they're not connected to each other when they're connected to each other the shared goal is the children but they one is going there the other one's going there the children don't know what time Mom is coming home they don't know what time dad's coming home do you think women are under more pressure these days which peaking between a family or a career they are but I feel like they're almost pressured to do the career thing yeah yeah so I don't feel like they are under pressure I think they're just misdirected and here's the thing I you know what I really think it's down to is when you're an educated woman what happens is your potential gets bigger than just a housewife I'm not saying just a housewife in a disrespectful way yeah I think it's the most amazing thing you can do my mum is a housewife but um my mom didn't go to a uni and stuff like that when a woman has done so much her and she's worked or something like that what's happened is she knows how to optimize her brain's utility like she knows what it's capable of when she goes from that to just looking after the kids all day what happens is she starts to resent that role a bit more and so what it's really difficult for women because they love that child they want to be there for that child they certainly but they do need an intellectual Outlet whereas before because she didn't expand her brain as much it's fine just you know having one-way conversations with your three-year-old now it's become very difficult for me so it's very hard for them imagine being so intellectually stimulated all day to go to that to just this kind of selfless being for a while who is not even responsive to you yet and you're a slave to that child it's not easy and even little things like she's used to dressing up putting her heels on going to work and now she just can't remember the last time she got her hair done it's very difficult for women so I I understand where the misdirection is coming from but it's very difficult to go from expansive brain to then just doing that and feeling fulfilled so they end up becoming negative and taking it out on their partner they end up abusing their husbands they almost resentful and jealous that their husband can just pick up and go to work and then come back when he wants and then go to football where she can't do any of that because she's so connected and so the child is so reliant on her so it's very difficult I really really don't have the answer for this one I feel like at a child that I wouldn't want to do all the go and play golf and go into the football everything because of the other person will grow resentful yeah it's almost like you feel now Under Pressure that you shouldn't like you should be like I'd want to be there because it's the right thing to do like it's not the right thing to do do you actually want to help yeah you want to help that and when you've got partners that genuinely your happiness is my happiness your burdens are my burdens they get through it really well but when you've got partners that are in competition with each other and saying you went to golf so I'm going to go out with the girls it's a recipe for resentment you said there but the uh more opportunities like so like the woman I was obviously even more exposed to more opportunities which is obviously a great thing great thing you know we're in like we're like top one percent in terms of the opportunity we have right but this is not a very interesting to observe how like the more choice you have the more depressed you can be absolutely here's the thing what happens when you have so many options when you don't have too many options what happens is you elevate the status of what you do have so say for example like when you've got your first car it was the most exciting experience in the world because you had no Alternatives but when you've driven a few cars you're like this is this is good to setting the other we all do this so what happens is Alternatives reduce the satisfaction and it reduces pleasure so and it reduces appreciation all of those things is reduced and we're living in a world where even when watching a TV show there's so many Alternatives so something we can't escape we almost have to self-regulate and just fixate on one thing but it's very difficult what do you think um the role of a man should be in um in a relationship the role of the man is I I think the role in a man I know it sounds typical and stuff like that but leadership is important and the reason why leadership is important is because if he doesn't lead she already has to lead when it comes to kids and all these other things women are already overburdened in the dynamic of a relationship men women children and this is not me defending women or saying that they're but the reality is women are physically more bounded by marriage and kids physically their whole body changes child is like attached to them it's a mess honestly the whole vagina is destroyed everything is just broken for them after a short child and more so than that they emotionally can't relax every time they're thinking the baby's crying if the baby's hungry there's this that and the other so the emotional exhaustion in a woman is so draining now when she has a husband that she also has to babysit because he doesn't know what where to go he doesn't know what we're doing he doesn't know how to make decisions Aisha she feels like she's raising everybody she starts to disrespect him she gets really disrespectful do you think everyone should have children no you think there's some people that won't be available to do it I think the if you are not nurturing and you are very traumatized or you're a bit abusive or you're dynamic between your your partner is negative you would be doing a disservice to to the child so I I know every children are amazing and they can really revolutionize you and you can go from being that really broken person and you can heal through the beauty of having a child but I do think like you know when I see women who just get themselves pregnant you know through a sperm bank children need to feel like two people brought them into this world willingly when they feel like one person didn't you want anything to do with them and their dad just you know masturbated into a jar it does something to them there's so much curiosity I wonder what my dad I wonder wonder and more so than curiosity there's so much abandonment he didn't want me mom wanted me and usually the woman that does that is one who is very emotionally exhausted she's tried everything so she's hoping for this child to give her a sense of family and she's always too dependent on the child so I don't think these measures are good even though my ear like you know adoption all these things are amazing but even when you adopt alone they're so difficult children are so difficult if they're not born out of two people's commitment and love they can you can destroy them you can really devastate them I completely agree I don't think we need more people in the world and the thing is they're beautiful of course yeah I mean like I don't I think that so when I was a kid I used to think that like parents had everything figured out and then when I became an adult I realized that nobody has anything figures so then when you're looking at some people are like should they really have children because like emotionally mature enough and so many children will say um my mom should never have been a mother so many people say that she's not ready for she was never nurturing she was never caring of course their existence is beautiful and amazing they still mean something but what happens when your parents aren't ready for you um your there's a disconnect and children are never ever going to stop loving their parents but they do stop loving themselves when they feel disconnected from their parents um you kind of mention like Daddy Issues like resources yeah I do talk about that a lot like culture all right I just reference I suppose it's overarching yeah uh how do you overcome that very difficult but first thing I would say is get two sides of the argument yeah now some men are just deadbeat dads they really are yeah I'm not justifying but majority of the time when I said this before is men typically don't give up on children but they do give up on co-parenting if the wife is too difficult that happens a lot when there's some mothers who make even seeing the child a headache and really really drive that man away he ends up giving up on the children and children are just collateral damage from the mom being too difficult and then what the mum does is brainwash the children into thinking that the dad was this and the dad was that and does or that so that child grows up into the real world thinking dad is a prick mum was the Savior but what they don't realize is when you start thinking 50 of you is horrible you internalize that damage using 50 of you is unlovable and your mum hates 50 of you so damaging so so damaging so what happens is these people become like lost and naive and they don't know how to sustain like their sense of identity so the first thing I would always say is try and get both sides of the story try and understand both sides of those story now sometimes it's accessible you see Dad he walks past you in the street you know and you make peace with that you know it's an internal issue in debt but other times you don't even get Dad's side of the story and you spend your whole life hating a part of you that when when really he may have been fighting for you maybe he went to court maybe he tried but your mum made it so impossible once you get both sides of the story you start looking at both people as you would look at a disabled person so just like a disabled person can't run if they've got broken legs some people are so broken emotionally they can't give love to their child how do you do the first step oh you know what I hate to talk on issues that I haven't experienced myself because I don't know how difficult it is and even me when I fight with my Dad I'll be like I'm not talking to him you know like Keisha talk to me blah blah but what I would say with the first step is having an internal dialogue where you try and understand their perspective and you trying to understand okay mom was maybe having an affair or mum was really physically abusive do you think maybe dad had a reason for kind of letting go and starting again and do you think maybe Dan had a reason for I know a lot of men experience this what happens with men when they grew up when they were kids mom maybe dad had an affair or mum and Mom brainwashed not brainwashed but told the car your dad did this your dad did this and they hate their dad but then when they become adults that maybe they have affairs and then they start seeing things from their dad's perspective and they're like I haven't spoken to Dad in 12 years but now I'm having an affair am I this am I that guy then they start to bond so internally so the reality is you are never going to live a fulfilling life when you hate a parent you're just not unfortunately I wish it was different because there are some parents that are so super unlovable and there's been times even in my life where I'm like Mom I'm so sick of your Roblox but the reality is we can't be whole without the two people that birthed us now the best thing is I'm not saying forgive everybody but try and create some connection if you can even if it's at arm's lengths even if it's with boundaries create that connection selfishly do it for you do it for you because I promise you those underlying anxiety depression coping mechanisms addictions they come from not feeling loved by two people that birthed you so try your absolute best to have compassion or some form of connection whilst protecting your peace that's like amazing advice because there's so many people who struggle in that I know and it breaks my heart I don't know willing I think it's just a step yeah and I get a lot so much hate for this online especially by single moms like you don't know what you're talking about I don't know this down the other here's the thing yes I don't know what it's like to be a single mom but I know what it's like when I had a student in my classroom crying saying I actually miss my dad but my mum won't let me text him I know what that's like I know what it's like when that child gets older and you know the kids are like oh my dad's taking me football and they're like yeah my dad's taking me football and they've never met their dad I know what that looks like because you as a mum will ignore that because you just want to protect your own ego and say my kids are fine they're doing well in school they're I know what that looks like I've worked with these kids my whole life I've dedicated a lot of time to these kids I remember being in parents evening and saying things like wait till I tell your dad and then I don't know my Dad or I remember and this this is where it really triggered me I was it was Father's Day and I had a student come in and he was only 13 years old and he said Mrs dickhead's day today it's dickhead's day today and I said well sorry what and I said it's Father's Day what are you talking about my mom says it's dickhead's day today and I said okay and I I didn't want to tell him off because he's obviously trying to release something my dad my mom who says that dad used to do that and listed all of these things that her dad did and I looked at this boy and I had to take a minute and I said okay because I started to cry yeah because I was thinking in her desperate attempt to find emotional connection with her children and release her anger and resentment she's causing this young boy so much damage she has no idea she has no idea what she's doing rejecting her opinion she has no idea what she's doing to that boy yeah it's so many anxieties insecurities gender issues come from this and there's a part of me that I really wanted to like call her and have a word with her but obviously you know confidentiality I can't do certain things child protection and all that stuff I can't do it but when I when I work with young boys who have real issues especially boys you know I say because we we all know about girls with daddy issues but when I work with young boys who are not achieving in school I'm going to get emotional wow oh I'm gonna move because I'm thinking about my kids my students and stuff maybe maybe because I'm diving into my connection with my dad and how much strength I got from my connection with my dad and I really hate to think people are deprived of that yeah I think that a lot of people will project their opinions on other people without understanding circumstances kids it's you take the perspective of a child even he even stands a but you tell him your dad loved you so much I'm so sorry he used to always ask about you and even if you never did you make a Christmas card and say dad sent you that do you know what that does to a child's self-esteem it's immeasurable but when you say Dad doesn't pay for you you know Dad has got new kids you know there's any other that that single mom doesn't deserve those children um it creates more of a friction than anything else um a bit more a bit more tragic but what about like people like lost a parent quite Young have you any experience with that yeah yeah losing a parent is very different to uh separating because here's the thing with grief we can make peace with grief we understand that it's no one's hands it's not a choice abandonment is my dad chose somebody else my mom chose somebody else it's a completely different experience so it has a massive impact on self-worth what grief does is have a massive impact on their future it makes them think the future is uncertain so what happens then sometimes they engage in self-sabotaging Behavior or they get depressed because they feel like the future is Bleak they start to worry about future whereas the abandonment is more the current kind of anxieties maybe they're bad at school and this than the other the degree for the loss of a parent is um very very damaging for a child but in a different way yeah in a computer can they grow from an experiences like they really lose the severity of the world here's how they grow from it you keep the memory of the child of the parent alive and you elevate it for that child so this is a great way to here's the thing if I lost God forbid I can't even say the sentence but if somebody lost their um father young but you say your dad used to love it when you did this or your dad used to do this or your dad used to do that and you elevate the dad's status to that child it's so motivating yeah it's super but then what some parents do or some families do is they pretend it never happened they don't mention the data that Curiosity creates sadness in the child yeah but you create that image here's the thing our imagination our brain is incredible if I tell you to imagine something you experience it so if I say to you Dad loves you so much you start feeling loved you our brain creates that connection so you elevate the experience and you elevate the status of that parent and you direct the child using it your dad loved it when you used to do this your dad would be so proud if you did that your dad used to love you know a football or whatever it is you create that connection even if it's a pseudo connection and also maybe I'm speaking from a religious perspective but creating the hope that they will reunite there is an afterlife in teaching them that that it helps the perspective is just so important no matter what you're doing whether it's like a single parent or someone who's lost someone tragedy because you see you can find these conversations really tough yeah oh yeah because I think it's yeah I think the reason always has been such a big impact where people don't really discuss these things I think do you are your parents alive yeah yeah yeah yeah okay yeah but I've had friends and I have close friends that I've met that like you know their dad died when they're younger and her mom I can't talk about these kind of things I think I start thinking because my parents are getting older I'm like oh I guess I'm the exact same you know I can't think about that and I've never had like a tragic me too I've been very lucky praise me to God yeah but I just think it's the reason I'm saying that is because like it seems like it's a barometer for how people set up their life so some guys go on become incredibly successful in the financial world but of course but it's a coping mechanism exactly that's what I mean it's a coping mechanism it's like they channeled energy towards yeah it's hyper success is always a coping mechanism now if they didn't process the experience of losing a parent what they then do is try and cope with it with distraction and healthy distractions um abandonment tends to lead to more self-sabotaging in the form of addictions like uh gambling and alcohol and this that the other but what grief does the coping mechanism might be hyper success hopefully that is you know best case in our hyper success so they they use it as fuel but depending on how the parent pit is pitched to them if it's like a hero it's fantastic for the child one last series I want to finish up on is it is it time already no we still have a bit of work time flies it's almost tree okay yeah so so last thing we're going to finish up on is like how do people kind of break toxic relationships so and when do you flag that you should get out it is what I would say sometimes you're in a relationship and it's caused so much biological kind of biochemical disruption that you literally can't soothe yourself you literally can't calm down your neurotransmitters are all over the place you're thinking about this you're preoccupied if it's getting to that point where it's actually getting abusive and you're still in that relationship because you just can't get let go take something don't be too proud yeah do not be too proud take something to reduce your anxiety because what that will do is you'll slowly stop relying on them to soothe you and you can see it for what it is so if it's bordering on abuse take something to calm yourself but down first and foremost if it's not and it is just a case of you're just attached to the wrong person here's what it is in order to maintain that relationship your love for that you have to must you must be loving that person more than you're respecting yourself and you cannot gain self-respect through bad decisions yeah it's like you you're digging the hole deeper so what happens is you're losing self-respect and you're gaining attachment to them and every time you go back to them you lose more self-respect so you lose any kind of fuel you would have or any strength you would have to leave them every time you go back the selfish is going to cost you something and it usually costs you your self-esteem so if you take back the wrong person each time your self-esteem drops self-esteem drops self-esteem drops and then your self-esteem is too low to even have that conversation of leaving them so you have to break that cycle and even if you don't have the self-esteem to leave you make the good and effective decision to do it and you'll see your self-esteem rise it's it's you have to just expect that it's gonna hurt and it's not going to feel right but yourself is what what's to gain from that is your self-esteemer slowly rise slowly rise self-respect will rise and it will get to a point where that person you're attached to no longer is a track you're not attracted to them anymore but when you go back to them what happens in self-esteem jobs and they still seem on a pedestal so you have to see it like that if I go back I look I lose self-esteem they're still on the pedestal if I leave I gain self-respect you start to see them for who they are I always try to think about it as well in terms of like where you'll be in six months 12 months two years four years like if if it's like this now Jesus Christ we're gonna go God of course if there's a positive and the negative that can come out but if you if you just scope the negative outcomes like you're literally on like the worst spiral yeah because here's what they do they're like oh but they're so good at times and they they see you know the potential and it could be great here's the thing people get worse they get worse sometimes we get better but usually we're not in the same environments we might get better if we start a new relationship but in the same environment we tend to get worse because we get more comfortable so whatever Behavior they're showing you now if you accept it except it's going to reoccur if you can accept it that it's going to reoccur fine go on but if you want them to change you have to look at yourself instead of saying why can't they change ask yourself that because you can't kind of hold this person by the throat and be like you have to start doing this let them be who they are you have to hold yourself by the throat and think if you if this is bothering you why are you here yeah I think you're just gonna have to have that real self-respect that you can't just like drive people to be a certain person yeah and you here's the thing they're entitled to be who they are exactly but if they don't want to and if they don't want to change they don't want to don't want to respect your boundaries wish them the best of luck from a distance but don't force them to change they're not going to you can't change I can't change human beings are uh they're steady yeah and they're predictable I want to say a massive thank you no thank you this was a great conversation I I'm surprised it went so quickly yeah I have two errors but I really really do appreciate it no I appreciate that we started speaking at the start of the week and I normally feel very saturated from doing lots of uh podcasts and stuff like that because I I feel like I repeat myself and this than the other but I didn't feel like that at all I felt like I was brand new territory I'm getting there no you're you're getting there you're fantastic years later stop it you're fantastic thank you so much pleasure snap we said it at the same time inshallah of course take care yeah thank you foreign

Channel: Darren Lee

Views: 374,805

Keywords: Relationship coach, therapist, communication skills, conflict resolution, intimacy, modern relationships, divorce, boundaries, friendships, social media, beauty standards, competition, OnlyFans, red pill community, multiple partners, marriage, women, 'bad guys', money, attractiveness, gender roles, parenthood

Id: ocG5XVt8rfk

Length: 91min 46sec (5506 seconds)

Published: Wed May 10 2023