-I went to Aspen for
the IDEAS Festival. -I called it "Idiots Festival"
by accident. -They loved that. "It's great to
be here at Idiots Fest." -It's just where
the richest white guys you've never heard of come
and talk to each other with their fingers
on their chins. I don't know.
We still haven't figured it out. -We still don't know
what it was. -So, were you guys
then tasked with sharing
some of your ideas? -Well, no, we had no ideas
to provide. We went and we got
interviewed -- -I got ideas. Okay. Sorry.
You had great ideas. -Che, I heard you went -- You had a very unique trip
to Cleveland this summer. -[ Laughs ] Yeah, well, we were supposed
to go to Cleveland, and I flew on a plane.
-Well, and I got that. -You're already
in Cleveland, and I was on
my way to Cleveland. And I got on a plane and I put
my headphones on and I fell asleep
as the plane was taxiing. -Yeah.
-And I woke up, the plane was landing,
and I had my headphones on. I was still listening
to Kendrick, maybe. And I got off the plane and I
was supposed to meet the driver and the driver wasn't there. And I'm like, "Where are you?"
And he's like -- I'm like, "I'm at this C terminal,"
and he's like, "There's only one terminal." And I was like,
"That's impossible." So I'm arguing with this guy
because he's not there. So I end up just taking a yellow
cab and getting a yellow cab. -Yeah, so it circled
and went back to New York. You got out, were mad
he was not there for you. He's in Cleveland.
-He was in Cleveland, and I was still --
Okay, the plane -- -The plane turned around. -It just did a lap
and then landed, and I didn't know.
-Yeah. Because you still had
your headphones on. -Yeah, I still have
my headphones on. -So you walked out
to Terminal B here still and then we're really mad
at your driver that he wasn't there.
-Right. -'Cause he was in Cleveland. -So you got a taxi? -He got in a yellow
New York City taxi cab. Gave the guy an address
in suburban Cleveland. And the guy also was like,
you know, "This is going to be
a lot of money." -And I was like,
"I don't care about money! I'm on TV!" [ Laughter, applause ] And then I saw
the New York City skyline and I said, "Wait a minute. That wasn't
in the Cleveland brochure." -So, we were debating a subject
called "Is sports and shopping ruining Sunday family values?"
-Okay. -And I should point out
that I am the second debater. -You're the second debater.
Okay. -So you'll hear Chris Lebado,
you'll hear his his stance, and then you'll hear
my response. -Okay, great. Here we go.
Let's take a look. -We still spend the day
together, go to mass together, and have dinner as a family. But we can also interact at the mall or sports arena,
can we not? -No, Chris, we cannot. There are no laws
about being a family. But I do feel that it is a part
of life that we must experience. If we are not together
on Sundays, we are missing out on some of
the most precious moments of our lives. Where have our values gone, when a father is working,
a mother is shopping, and the children
are at their friends' houses? This may be a typical day, but this is not
what Sunday should be about. However, it is what Sundays
are becoming. And I, for one,
am deeply disappointed. [ Cheers and applause ] -I will say... -Thank you.
-The whole time I was watching that clip, I was saying, "That is a kid
who is deeply disappointed." -And disappointing. Yeah.
-Yeah. And I like that you grew
into your head over the years. Your head was the same size then
as it is now. You always want to start wide.
-Yeah. -And just let it grow. And then, like some legs
grew out of there, and then... -And we're always happy
to see you, but I heard you have a little
bit of a bone to pick with me. -Yeah, I do.
-Okay. -You took my look, man. I wanted to be casual
on late night first. You know, every every year,
I've always asked Lorne and the show, like, please,
let me just be casual. I want to wear my own clothes
at "Update". And they said,
"No, Seth wouldn't do that." And now Seth...
-Yeah. -...is casual. -Well, you know why I got away
with it and you didn't? -Why?
-Lorne watches "SNL". [ Laughter ] -That's how they get you.
-Touché. -That's how they get you. -Now, I have to ask --
This is a little in the weeds on the job I used
to have that you have now. Do you wear suit pants? -No.
-Yeah. -I don't wear any pants. -Yeah, yeah. I'm very bummed that I -- You know what?
I wore jeans all the time. -Yeah. -Which was fine.
It presented fine. But there's a lot of,
like, cool backstage photos you get over the years,
and you look super dumb. Jeans with the top suit
is so stupid. -Yeah, you look like --
What's that guy? "You might be a redneck." -Yeah. Well, it is.
Like, when you think of it, it's like
the mullet of outfits. -Yeah. [ Laughs ] -It's like, "Business
up top, party on the bottom." -That was like the comedian,
like, uniform was jeans, a dumb blazer. Yeah. -And then high tops. Big, powerful,
like, red high tops. -Yeah. You're going to get you
a development deal if you dress like that. -One of my favorite
things, of course, is sketches that are written
that do not make it to the show. And some of these ideas maybe
have not even even been written. -Even the ones that have been
written haven't really been written. They've been, like,
really half thought out. -Your idea -- the origin
of "screw the pooch"? -Yeah.
I wanted to do a sketch about the first guy
to have ever said the phrase "screw the pooch", because an intern one time
messed up a coffee order, and I was like,
"Hey, I didn't order this." And he goes,
"I'm sorry about that, Che. I really screwed the pooch
on that one." And I said, "What was that?" And he goes,
"Screwed the pooch. It means I made a mistake."
And I was like, "No, man, it means you had sex
with a dog. And you should probably stop
saying that in a workplace environment." So I wanted to just
dig into that guy, because I'm sure
he probably had sex with a dog one time
and just kept pretending that it was a mistake
that everybody else makes. -Yeah, that's like the coffee
thing. "I don't make mistakes." -"Oh, you messed up the coffee? Now who has sex with dogs?" "Still you, Gary. You're still
the only one that's done that." -Half Viagra? -Oh, yeah, that's a fun one. -Well, we kept seeing these ads,
I know if you've seen them, for single packs of Viagra,
where it's like a weird husband, and it's like, "We're going
on a trip with my wife," and he's like, Oh, I'll pack one
single pack of Viagra." He's like,
"I want to have sex, but I want to carry
the whole bottle." You know,
so they're on vacation. You could be like,
"You get one shot." But we wanted to
do ads for half packs of Viagra. And if it was -- you
didn't want to have sex, you just wanted to make it look
a little bigger. Like if you knew you were going
somewhere, like you had a doctor's
appointment, you know? -Or like a tailor or something,
you know? You got to use,
like, a stadium urinal. You want people to be... You know? Whatever. I still think we should have
called it "Viagra Al Dente". -So, I'm not a person
that smokes pot. I've tried it and stuff,
but I get very paranoid. I think once
I started having a job, it made me very paranoid
if I ever smoked weed. But I was on a date
with a girl and she offered me a pot cookie,
and I was like, "Okay, well, I might freak out because it's pot,
but it's also a cookie." -Takes the edge off.
-Well, I'd just be like, "Delicious.
It's delicious." So she gave me a pot cookie, and
at first, I was feeling great. I was like, "This is delicious.
It's great." And then we went back
to my apartment and we started kissing
and I became so paranoid, I became convinced
that she had poisoned me. So I did what any other 30 year
old man would do, was I snuck into the other room
and called my parents. [ Laughter, applause ] I grew up in Staten Island.
My parents live in Sinai. My mom answered the phone.
It was probably 1:00 AM. -A doctor.
-My mom, a doctor. She answers the phone. She goes, "Colin,
what's going on?" I go, "You got to do something.
This girl poisoned me. She gave me PCP." Why I went to PCP,
I don't know what the -- I don't think it's available
in cookie form. Then my mom, being
a very loving parent, said, "Don't move.
We'll be right there." But then because I was also
still super high, I went back into the other room and forgot
that I had called my parents. [ Laughter ] So, like an hour later, this girl and I are
in my living room. There's a knock at the door,
and she says, understandably. "Who could that be?" And I say, "Oh, no,
I know who that could be." And I open the door
and my parents come barging in and they yell at the poor girl,
"We know what you did! You poisoned our son." And this girl is so high,
she's like, "Oh, my God, this is the
funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. Who are these awesome old people
you hired to scare me?" And then, I swear to God,
I'm so paranoid at this point, my mom makes me hot tea
to help me lie down and go to sleep. I get so scared,
I fake drinking the tea that my mom was poisoning me. -You thought know your mom --
-My mom was in on it. And I faked drinking the tea, and I poured it
to the side of my bed like I was in a spy movie. -By the way,
that's a terrible spy. -[ Laughs ] "Well, why, thank you." And then as I'm, like, shivering
and falling asleep, I hear my dad in the other room lecturing the poor girl
on the dangers of drug use. -Oh.
-And I hear him go, "Do your parents know
that you're doing this?" And she look in my room
and she was like, "Uh, no, they don't,
because I'm 30." -You have wonderful cameos. Obviously, you have
a lot of talented friends. -Yeah.
-I think that people think when you have talented friends, it's easy to ask them
to do your stuff. But it's -- I find it --
I always feel like they're being asked a million
things and I feel bad asking. -Yeah, I hate asking people
for stuff because especially
if it's like my comedy, because I know
they're going to be like, "All right, I'm going to have
to read about this tomorrow?" -You mean you're going to put
them in this sort of jackpot of getting in trouble?
-Yeah. Like, oh, I shouldn't say this, but I had like, we we went on
to, like, Whoopi Goldberg for something,
and she was like, "absolutely," and I couldn't believe
she was, like, willing to do it. So I had to tell her
also in that episode we have a Cosby impersonator,
and she was like, "No, I can't do it anymore." [ Laughter ] Like, I should have probably
started with that one. But, yeah, there's always times
when people want to do it. But I'm also like, man, you got
to know what the whole joke is. I can't --
-Never -- never let Michael Che sell you on a close up;
like, you definitely want the wide shot.
-Yeah, you kind of got to know what the punchline is. It's definitely Bill Cosby
trying to make me a drink. Watch the show!
It makes sense! In context.
-I think they get it. Yeah. -See, a long time ago,
Bill Cosby would do this thing. -So, Che, you went on Instagram
and wrote this post about Jost. -Well.
-Yeah. Well, yes, I did. I did. And, you know --
Yeah, you want to read it? -So let me -- let me explain,
by the way, what I -- I get --
I don't go on Instagram, but I get emails from friends
that are like, "Do you see what Che's saying
about you on Instagram?" I'm like, "What? Is it something
kind of fun and goofy?" And they're like, "You should
check -- take a look." -Here's what it looks like.
I'm going to show you guys real quick, now,
I'm going to read it. "The thing that burns me up
the most about Colin is that deep down inside,
I think he's a nice guy, but he hides behind
this cool guy persona that makes him push me down
and make fun of my hair and put dog food in my lunch
and gum in my chair and prank call
my parents to make them think I was in a terrible car accident and rip up my paychecks
and plant hard drugs in my desk and tip off the police,
and that gets so annoying." Now... [ Applause ] No, I think most --
most people... -Planting hard drugs
in your desk, and your response would be like,
"Annoying." -...but not everybody.
-Not everybody. No. -Yeah.
-So then somebody wrote to you. -To me, yeah.
-This is to him. -They wrote to Che first.
-Yeah, "What a disgusting man. So sorry you have to
work with him, it's a shame he can't even
try to be decent for a day to help people.
He's a monster." And then you, instead of saying, "Oh, man, he's my pal,
it's just joking around," wrote back, "I just got to get
through this season in one piece" --
[ Laughter ] "Sometimes he attacks me
physically." [ Laughter ] -You're --
You're joking. You're going to actually
get me murdered. Someone is going to murder me. -What's this one?
-Stop pushing me down. -Is this --
Did you fake a text exchange? -Well, yeah, Colin's texts --
Well, Colin, texts me -- -What?!
-I asked him to. -You faked my own
text messages! -All right, how about I'll read
mine and you read yours. I'll be blue. -See if this seems like me.
-"Hey, Colin, I know you're busy and all,
but could you help me with my charity show for
the people in public housing?" -"Ha ha ha ha ha.
Fat chance, loser. Don't those bunnies have enough without sucking
from our government's teet?" -"Oh, Colin, that's really
unnecessary, man." -"You're unnecessary,
and my grandpapa is going to shut down your
little charity, just like Mr. Trump
shut down the government!" -"That is uncalled for!" -You want me to read
the last one?! -Yeah, there's one more
that you sent me. -Yeah. "Besides,
I have my own charity event, it's to take children
in private schools big game hunting in Africa." [ Laughter ] You're going to get me ki-- -Somebody wrote back to Che, "Didn't think this piece
of [bleep] could make me that mad,
but he did." And then you wrote back,
"I don't know what to do. Every time I try to stand up
to him, he just pushes me on the ground
and everybody laughs." I got to say, a lot of other
people, you know, just know that whoever does eventually
come and assault you based on this,
know they're dumb. -You were on "Jeopardy!" --
you weren't on "Jeopardy!" -No, I was not.
-But your, uh -- Let's just take a look.
-They would almost make more sense, by the way, if I was
a contestant, than this. Okay.
-Let's take a look. -Recent books for $800. -A head writer
of "Saturday Night Live," he titled his memoir
"A Very Punchable Face." Kelly.
-Who is Conan O'Brien? -That's incorrect. [ Buzzer ] Looking for Colin Jost. -All right. I think that's a real burden
on Conan, because someone was like,
"I want to punch him." -He was locked and loaded with
it, like, "Punchable face? Conan!" -Is that something where you,
if somebody tells you about it, like, how do you find out
it happened? -Yes, I found out it happened
because my mom sent me the clip and she said
"I would have gotten it." [ Laughter ] Thanks. -She's like,
I don't get "Cosmo," but I would have gotten that. -And, yes, it's a very -- because when you make
your clue on "Jeopardy!" you feel like you've made it.
-Yes. -You know? But then in that same
moment, you realize, oh, I've not.
-Well, I think it's interesting to know how clo--
I mean, really, what you want
is to be like $100 first round. You were $800.
You know what I mean? Like, there was some value to
getting that right. -Yeah, I guess you do have
to work your way up -- -To the gimme --
you want to be in the Monday "New York Times"
crossword like that, you know what I mean?
-Yeah, that's true. I'm I'm barely
Saturday right now. -But let's -- thank God
it didn't happen again. -Yeah, no, that would be-- -Let's try Harvard
for $1,000. -Alex?
Writers and performers who've gone from the Lampoon
to "Saturday Night Live" include this young fellow who co-hosts Weekend Update
with Michael Che. [ Buzzer ]
And his name is Colin Jost. -First of all, they somehow
found a photo worse than the on my ID.
-Yeah. -Then the other thing is he -- Alex Trebek went to Harvard to a location,
filmed a clue. Like, "You're going
to like this one?" -Yeah!
-Dead silence. -Where he used a picture, we're going to talk about
who he works with. -Every context you could
possibly give me just -- -Nothing.
-And then you could tell when he had to reveal the name, he just was like,
"Why did I do this?" -That's really also
a double burden on Conan, who also went to Harvard. Nobody even guessed him
on that one. They only guessed him
on the punchable face. -Yeah, "We'd hit him, but I don't know
if he could go to Harvard." -Congratulations.
I know that you have -- you've moved. You got yourself
a place upstate New York. -That's right.
I'm a homeowner now. -Yeah.
Congratulations. [ Cheering and applause ] How is --
how is the neighborhood? How are you taking
to the neighborhood? -Very, very white.
-Okay. -It's the whitest neighborhood
I've ever been to. It's like, oh, it's like me
and one black bear. And that's it. I can't wait to meet them, too. -Oh, yeah.
-Excited. -Is it a town? -It's --
it's what they call a hamlet. -Oh, wow.
-You know what that is? -It's white, I think. Yeah. -There's nobody that's like,
"Oh, I live in a black hamlet." Othello? That was for us!
That was for us! -There's someone with a pipe
watching right now going, "Oh, very well played, Che." - "Nicely played."
-"Nicely played. I will show this
to my class tomorrow." -This is a bit you did on Update
where you played Gretchen. You went undercover
as a white girl named Gretchen? -Yes. I went undercover as a liberal white woman
named Gretchen. And I didn't use makeup,
but it was still believable. -Yeah.
And then you guys had an idea, like, a second round of this? -Yes.
-So the idea -- Explain how it was supposed
to work. -The last show,
that got cut, that was, I said to Che, like,
"What if you went undercover as a white woman named Gretchen to try to figure out
that situation?" And I've been reading all this
terrible stuff about R. Kelly. So I thought maybe
I could go undercover as a black teenage girl
to try to entrap R. Kelly. [ Scattered reactions ] Yes. Your --
Yes, exactly. Boos. Thank you. -You know what, that sounds
like a man of many -- [ Laughter ] -Well, the idea was I knew
it was the worst idea ever. -Right.
So you didn't actually shoot it? -No. The idea was Che would
stop me and point out how awful that idea that was. And I would say, "Really,
it doesn't go both ways?" And he was like,
"Absolutely not." And I was like, "Oh, yeah, that
makes sense." -Gotcha.
-And then it said, "The more you know,"
like the little -- "The more you know" --
yeah, you could tell. We're glad it was cut. I begged him not to do it. ♪♪
