The ANXIOUS & AVOIDANT relationship dynamic

I think the biggest misconception and often told a lie and I get this a lot in my comments from a lot of you is that you have to somehow become this optimized incredible version of yourself before you can start living your life and that is just not true I get people saying a lot that look I haven't healed yet I haven't healed from my anxious attachment I haven't healed with my traumas like how can I do that before I find a partnership and the thing is there is some things in life that you really do need to heal from and there's other things in life that realistically if you really break it down I better heal it in practice what do I mean if you've got an anxious attachment style and you want to heal it if you are not in love with how you feel around other people you saying I'm just gonna leave and work on this by myself is maybe what is usually practice but kind of counter-intuitive to me why because how can you practice the act of not being anxiously attached when you're by yourself attached to nobody a lot of people don't exhibit symptoms of anxious attachment unless they are attached to somebody so why do you feel that you've got to isolate yourself be by yourself alone and practice that attachment ironically being the theme of this video it is the anxious and the avoidant relationship together why is it that these people are always together it's like why would someone anxious who needs reassurance who needs to be told that everything's going to be okay why on Earth on this Green Earth would they go for somebody who's avoided and tries to run away like do we like to hurt ourselves or why would somebody who's avoidant needs all this space needs all this time choose this clingy person who's just always on them at them behind them and wanting reassurance why would that happen very simple a few simple things it's a self-fulfilling prophecy it's your fear and you manifest it in your life I'm about to break these down for you and it is a wound that you have from your childhood or development or somewhere along the line where that happened where you need to play out that wound in order to heal it that is why I'm a big proponent for if you don't have other issues in your relationship like I don't know narcissism alcoholism or whatever I'm a big proponent to working through it within that relationship even if you don't end up with that person because when you're triggered to the most to the nth degree with your anxiety for example I know that side of it you can really work through it and when I met my husband I was anxiously attached now I'm secure I was anxiously attached in past relationships before I acknowledged what anxious attachment is if you guys haven't seen my video on how I went from anxious to secure I'll put it up here and also please subscribe most of you who are watching aren't and that would mean the world to me the thing is you can practice with the person you're with even if you don't end up with them you can identify the traits in you and anxious attachment and avoidant is healable from let's put it that way but the only difference between those two attachment Styles is that the anxious person is actively uncomfortable every day and probably wants to and as they're Googling online how they can change their life whilst the avoidant is in the hiding they're hiding from their reality so they're not in that constant state of obvious discomfort I think what we need to acknowledge is that why do these people come together why on Earth would they choose each other very simple as an anxious person let's say that's URI we have grown up with the fear and the fact that we are somehow unlovable and we are less than that's basically the knowledge that I am less than and everyone's better than and I will just with a small minor maneuver of what I do ruin everything if I pick the wrong place to eat if I you know write him the wrong message I will put him off me I'm using him and her interchangeably so in this case him I will you know push people away I am somehow not lovable it's me it's me I have been proven somewhere in my childhood or somewhere along the line that I have this huge influence on just ruining and and that is me whilst they're avoidant has the pathology of somebody who is there thinking it's everybody else I need to get away from these people I need them not to control me I need them not to engulf me I need them not to like constrict me because they are not adequate somewhere in their life that those people decided and the most interesting thing and it shows it in research is that people choose one or the other attachment you could have had the same upbringing and at some point in your life you choose either that or you choose this like if you were neglected you could choose either to be anxious and wait for that person that caregiver to come back to you or you could say forget this I'm gonna do it by myself and become a waiter a lot of our society makes people avoidant these days also that's a big thing to understand most men we are avoidant most women when they have this dysfunction they're anxious why because in our society we glorify the idea of a man being Standalone and all this stuff and we're doing it with women too now girl boss and all this stuff you don't need nobody we all need somebody where a human animal will need somebody the reason we choose the partner with the thing that we would think suspiciously is the opposite of what we want is because we are used to it we're used to that model of behavior so if you got neglected as a child so you had both working parents and you're a girl Elizabeth and you got neglected you will want to win your Father's Love say he was absent or working all the time or if you're a fatherless child you will want to emulate that relationship again in your life and prove to this metaphoric father who you've imagined to be Josh your boyfriend you want to prove to him and see Josh's reciprocation to you to then heal your wound that your father was not there that's not going to happen because you're always going to choose people like Josh who's not either interested not there for you or extremely avoidant on artistic something's going on right it's going to be very hard for you to heal that unless you become secure yourself unless you say forget Josh I am going to be here and I'm going to be secure myself even in the Paradigm of Josh because what it's going to enable you to do is see when it's triggered because if you're by yourself with no relationship you can't really see the problem that you're having and vice versa say Josh he was engulfed by his parents always told what to do never had autonomy but they also didn't give him his emotional needs they didn't meet them so he just became an island onto himself the most spiritual reason for why these two people and entities are together is because you're playing out exactly what you suspect other people will be like there is something in the fact that Josh feels that he's going to be just engulfed and controlled and not seen for who he is and told what to do so he meets Elizabeth and she does exactly that but why does she do that because he doesn't return her calls he is avoidant he is not always there he dismisses her emotions when she's talking he's on his phone when she's asking for a decision to be made he's not sure right so she becomes even more anxious and he's like see that's how well all people are that this is how they do vice versa from her she's quite fine she's fine by herself she needs Josh and he triggers that attraction on her because she's like huh there's something about him that he's not quite there you know he's not secure with me God this reminds me of my upbringing psychologically I need to prove to him that I'm worth something and then she starts doing what she's doing asking for too much what is too much too much from somebody who's nothing to you there isn't asking too much and in my video about secure attachment I kind of go through that because it was a hard realization for me when I realized hey sometimes it's not people's job prerogative to heal me at all like sometimes if this person is not my person and I don't know them from a bar of soap like I just met them like they're a boyfriend who are they are they your mother father husband like what's going on you need to have autonomy from people also as as the anxious person you start acting all these anxious ways towards Josh making him do more than is reasonable for a person who you've just met now if you were secure you wouldn't have these high expectations of Josh because you would understand he's another entity from you but you're now doing yourself fulfilling prophecy you're like everybody leaves me everybody runs away this is what's going to happen what is just you exactly that and you guys are in this cycle together and it becomes a very addictive cycle because it's got reinforcement coming together falling apart you're passionate you're coming together the avoidance feels this closeness and feels like they are being infringed upon the same way that the anxious person needs security the anxious person needs Freedom okay so he's like his freedom is condensed and compressed he's like well I need to take a step back but instead of Elizabeth allowing him to take this step back just this my minor step back she's like I'm going to close the gap now if she was Secure she would say okay Josh was taking a step back he's his own person let him keep stepping just keep on stepping because essentially he's going to step out of my life and then I'll know he wasn't worth it right that's what a secure person would do they would just let him go they don't need to cling to somebody who's not trying to stay but what she does is moves forward he moves back more aggressively moves forward he says something aggressive stuff stops replying to text messages and he sets a firm boundary like I don't want to see you every week she gets very upset and then she escalates the situation she gets aggressive she berates him with messages she cries she breaks down maybe some kind of attempts at like that's it I cannot do this anymore you know what I mean like heightened emotion so let's start with the anxious person what can he do number one is you need to start or at least deploy this belief just to see how it changes your life even if your partner isn't the one you're going to end up with because you suspect they might not be try and deploy the attitude that their need for space has got nothing to do with you that's a that's a brain twist for me even but they're need for space has got nothing to do with you that's just a them thing a natural part of a relationship and once they back off and they go who are you in that space just sit there and feel that emotion feel that out who am I left in this space and why is it that I only feel whole and complete when that person's here and giving me their affirmation where does that leave me how vulnerable am I which is fine to be vulnerable but what space does that leave me and I always need somebody's approval and constant attention and I cannot see myself through my eyes but I need to constantly see myself through their eyes in order to feel a life happy and good it's a good exercise for you to say okay their need for space has got nothing to do with me anxious person I've got to tell you something you might not like it but the world does not revolve around you everyone's reality does not revolve around you I have to tell that to myself because I used to be this way I Used to Be Like You the world does not revolve around you sometimes people need what they need because they need what they need not because you did something or did not do something nextly anxious person you need to start taking care of yourself and your needs what are you doing in your life what are you what's your process progress and ambition and obsessions in your life you should be your own journey and your own Obsession you cannot be living vicariously through someone else you like that fish that gets stuck on the belly of the shark and goes along and then screams if the turn is wrong because the shot goes left or right well you've attached yourself to someone else haven't you and you're looking for their approval you need to start taking the same care of yourself that you take care of other people with you understand what I'm saying that that attention to detail that over hypersensitive advised version of yourself needs to be deployed onto yourself it's going to be hard because you're so not used to putting yourself first but that's what you need to do you need to deploy Detachment and self-regulation you know when um they tell people to Sleep Train their babies that their babies eat a soft soothe and that whole thing I don't know if that's right or wrong I don't know anything about child psychology but I will say this that um you as an adult need to solve parent you cannot always rely on somebody else to soothe you and make you feel better what are you going to do to make that happen hopefully it's a good thing like yoga meditation whatever it is you want to do hopefully you don't drink a bottle of wine in order to self-soothe but it needs to be something and for me it was a big learning curve like what is that like what how can I quench that need for somebody to tell me everything's okay you know it feels so long ago that I could not weather the storm of emotion that I don't even remember what it's like but I I vividly know that that was me where somebody upset me or wanted to avoid me let's say a partner I would call them and like want to have it out and want to have that conversation even if they didn't want to and that's just not it you need to self-soothe you need to have your own level of Detachment you can watch that video I made too to be okay because essentially a lot of your behaviors could even make a secure person avoidant it's very hard to carry the weight of someone's expectation constantly on your back you need to learn to communicate clearly effectively without huge spikes of emotion you need to understand other people and understand that sometimes it's got nothing to do with you sometimes people are unwell or sometimes people have needs that you don't understand and you need to be kind your demands aren't always correct even though they feel that way to you because it feels very painful to you right now that that person isn't responsive to you last but not least you need to kind of take ownership of your own therapy your own process watching videos like this um if you're a woman I highly recommend my course on 20 feminine principles I found a lot of power in feminine energy because essentially it's like letting go of doing and embracing being that really shifted my feeling of of secure attachment I think it was around the same time that I discovered feminine energy that I kind of healed my anxious attachment if you're a boy you could watch it too because there's a lot of things implemented in there but anyway I'll leave it in the description links and I'll leave you an Amazon list of books that I recommend among them is attached the best book on attachment Styles you need to learn you need to take responsibility and you need to have a growth trajectory of where you're trying to go now let's talk about my lovely avoiding people same as number one for the anxious learn that not everyone is trying to catch you not everyone is trying to like detain you not everyone is trying to compromise your freedom and your movements but that you signed up for a relationship with another person and there's a level of commitment that comes with that a level of listening to their emotions a level of being there for somebody because if you feel not ready for that you need to address that with yourself it is not your partner who's always trying to infring you in your space and just kill your life and your style but it is you who decided to be in a relationship with them so why is it you now that's deciding that they just need to be basically solitary in a relationship with you unless you feel like racing them with your presence I know it's not easy and I know you lived like this for a long time but just like I said in the beginning for the anxious person you need to detach people's expectations of closeness because that is what a relationship is to them trying to suppress you they're not trying to suppress you and many times if you give an anxious person reassurance and you give them love they can become secure unlike the anxious person you need to learn to co-regulate as opposed to self-regulate you're very good at self-regulating um you're very good at calming down but there is also a relationship skill called co-regulation where you together have a conversation with somebody and you calm each other down that you cannot always run away when there's a problem you cannot always shut down and you cannot always process things by yourself so just like I told the anxious person to self-regulate because they don't have their skill they can only co-regulate you need to develop the opposite of that skill you need to sometimes self-regulate when you need to you do you boo but sometimes you need to sit with your partner and go okay that happened how did that happen how'd that make you feel let me give you a hug push through it it's going to really benefit you you need to learn number three to keep your promises to be dependent and dependable on and you need to do the practice of asking for help from others oh you don't like that I know yucky but you need to depend on others in order to see how that feels you need to build community around you friends and things like that I know you crave it and the reason that you're probably avoidant is because you feel someone will let you down deep down right maybe when I said this you're like no but keep down probably you've learned that you want to be alone because you don't want to be let down and you don't want to rely on some the practice is rely on someone because why are you alive unless you want to grow and stretch yourself to be a better person or a better version of yourself do it you can always go back to being by yourself right and also in order to be with a secure or an anxious person you need to be there for people and be dependable you need to say what you're going to say and do what you're going to do and don't be flaky um it doesn't make you a good quality human it doesn't make you grow it doesn't do anything for you and yes it frustrates everyone around you but also it doesn't give you any qualities that are Admiral admirable four you need to learn to communicate you need to not just answer everything with a one-ended answer you need to learn to develop a storyline so if your partner wants to tell you about something that happened at work you don't just give them a solution they want to take you on the Journey of closeness you've got to listen to the story don't just try and shut down the conversation and the eye rolling and acting like everything's annoying to you because that process of you trying to avoid that closeness is exactly what's not gonna create a real Intimacy in your life with other people right so you need to learn to go on a journey of communication with people when they're talking to you about something that is happening in their lives it is important to them and it's something that you need to be witness to in witnessing other people's journey and watching them talk is what makes a lot of people feel close to you and I know that might not feel comfortable but you need to learn to have that communication style where it's clear also if you decide that you want to avoid everyone at the moment you need to be honest you need to be like guys it's not about you Elizabeth it's not about you I'm just feeling overwhelmed I need to be by myself but it's not about you you know there needs to be a clear communication on that and again number five just like I said for the anxious person you need to have your own process and your own therapy that's going on in your own growth and your own learning and your own understanding of the world again Amazon book list things like that it's not other people's responsibility to drag you through life Kicking and Screaming um and trying to get close to you because one day you might not have that anymore you know um not that that's just gay you might not even mind um and you know what everyone's got their own life path but I find that funnily enough anxious people are more outwardly upset but it probably is more isolating and harder to be an avoidant anyway guys thank you for watching um I know you guys wanted more content about the avoidance Styles and things like that I'm thinking we can talk about other things leave in the comments any conversations that you want to have and I'll gladly have them with you and my podcast is coming out it's probably out I'll leave it linked in the description and the first episode he's out on Wednesdays love you lots like Judy tots and I'll see you on the next one

Channel: Margarita Nazarenko

Views: 146,257

Keywords: Anxious attachment, Avoidant attachment, Love, Relationships

Id: fp6g2Q-XEQw

Length: 19min 58sec (1198 seconds)

Published: Sun Mar 26 2023