The 6 SECRETS To Completely HEAL YOUR BODY & MIND | Marisa Peer & Lewis Howes

you don't have to be perfect to be loved you have to be you tell ourselves all this crazy stuff and then wonder why we feel so crazy when all we have to do is tell ourselves better stuff you know we we have this belief that events affect us they don't the meaning you attach to an event affects you during challenging times it's easy to allow stress and anxiety to tear us down but in this interview marissa peer breaks down how to heal the body and the mind to start living a better life [Music] because now i've created my own method which is really taking the world by storm what's it called it's called rapid transformational therapy how does it work well it works by so for instance if you have migraines or you're obese and you go to a therapist they want you to talk every week about how what's it like being obese very distressing actually and what does that feel like frustrating it's like you're going to the dentist saying can i come in every week and talk about the infection in my gum the dentist goes no get that infection out because it just does ongoing damage so conventional therapy likes to talk a lot and what i don't like about conventional therapy okay you you have bipolar that's very complex therefore the treatment is going to be very complex and that is not the case we're going to take it in stages and conventional medicine too they treat the symptoms whereas when i work with someone who's believed it can go what happened what happened to they go well my grand i'd have sex with when i was 11 until i was 13 and i got really fat and i never realized the connection that i kept saying i wish i could stop him looking at me like that and the mind goes that's the command you want your granddad to stop lusting after your body i'll make your body super unattractive and you have to unpick that so we had someone who had chronic migraines and had tried everything and she was having injections in her head and when i asked her because we do this thing called role function purpose we hypnotize someone well function purpose and in hypnosis they go back and we say be the headache and tell me your role and amazingly they do it because they're out of their thinking into the feeling mind and they'll say things like oh well as long as i have those headaches i can't disappoint my dad who always says why aren't you an overachiever like me i spent all that money on your education how can you just be a waitress but now i've got the headaches because oh my poor daughter she could be an amazing embarrassed a lawyer but she's got these headaches yeah and then of course when the when the symptom has a role function purpose and an intention it's not going anywhere so the so if someone has headaches you would walk them through what's the role of that what's the benefit yeah what's the payoff even with children of five if i say to a five-year-old maybe i know this is a silly question but if the headache was your friend right what would it be doing they go well when mommy and daddy fight and i get a headache they stop fighting they turn off all the lights and we lie in the dark until it goes away there's a kid who's had a thought i got to stop mommy and daddy fighting and because they're they're not logical creatures they're feeling creatures they're feeling mind says an illness will stop your parents fighting maybe failing at school will make them see that you're unhappy maybe getting excellent your mom spend ages massaging the cream into your skin and you might feel that you matter to her because every time you speak and she goes i'm busy at work i'm doing my emails i got to speak to work and kids think i want mommy to notice me in the mind which is illogical goes can i come up with well we can have asthma eczema dermatitis irritable bowel obesity and 70 of these issues although the symptoms are real you have a real migraine and real flaky skin the cause of them is completely psychosomatic because the mind's job is to tune into your thoughts and give you what it thinks you want and it can only work that out by what you say when you say this 405 is killing me i'm dying under paper my boss makes me want to kill myself your mind goes you better not go back to that place called work i think i should give you an ulcer or agrophobia because you keep saying that the commute is killing you the job is killing you and we say things like killing it dying here you know one of my clients was telling me that her boss just died he used to sign off all his emails busy busy but i wish i was dead a joke and then he got cancer and died in really fast but his signatures i wish i was dead and they'll say oh that somebody asked me i want to die oh my boss promote me i want to die i'm going to give i'm going to kill it yeah and we don't understand that the brain has no sense of humor and only picks up words and thinks they're real yeah it's a lot of what we were talking about with dr joe dispenza you know that's cool wow okay so you started helping people from one phase which was in losing weight yeah let me understand people it's much more than just losing weight yeah yeah and you've been doing this for 30 plus years since you're 11. yeah why did you why were you so fascinated by human behavior in the first place well i was told i could never have children i just when i was 17 i stopped having periods completely and all the doctor said we know you you have infertility unexplained which i thought that's a good title isn't it explained because explained as your fallopian tubes are blocked or you don't have enough estrogen but unexplained means everything's working we have no idea what's going on and so i decided to just work on myself and i simply wouldn't accept that and i did get pregnant but then they said well everything's gonna be wrong with this baby and it's gonna have the same issues that you've got you've got all these different hormonal thyroid issues and and they really freaked me out and then when she was born she was perfect and they said well she's going to be very underweight seven and a half pounds and i realized then that i was going to stop all the medication and and just come out of that and then i started working with infertile women it's so rewarding you'd come in and go i can't get pregnant and they'd always go back to what's going on in this scene i'm 50 and i think i read my dad will kill me oh my god my mum will kill herself you know we're muslims and i'm dating this white guy and oh my god the shame the terror and the day they found out they're not breaking go thank you allah i'm so happy i'm not pregnant now the mind is crystal clear having a baby will kill you and not having a baby is something to celebrate and when you repeat something's in mind enough it just can't unravel that when women say i've got the curse every month and i hate this and i wish i never had them and then periods go away they never kind of look at what's going on there and so i found infertility really easy to fix and then i had people with secondary infertility which means you had a baby you got pregnant like a high high school girl on a date immediately but you've been trying for seven years to get pregnant again why does that not happen because you go home and say your husband imagine we had a second oh that would kill me oh i'd leave you if we had two keeping us up all night and that would bankrupt us and can you imagine what a night we were like to have another one the mind goes don't have another one and you could you don't mean it you don't mean you're going to quite cheerfully throw this kid out the window the middle of the night i could just give them away i remember saying to someone your baby is lovely should come back at 2am you can have him it's a joke like we say to our kids you're so lovely i could eat you and they think really so we sell this crazy stuff which we know is crazy but the mind says this is literal this is real you mean it when you say i'm dying under my paperwork the mind goes no more paperwork for you when we say i'd die if my next relationship ends if if i got hurt like this again it would kill me the mind goes you know what if it would kill you why don't i just turn you into a complete you never have another relationship again and then it can't kill you right i mean you'll never have love no no or men who go you know women are ball breakers they just want your money i'm done with women i couldn't go through that again it would kill me if i had to lose half my property again the mind goes that's my job you see we think our mind's job is to make us happy it really isn't it's to make us survive a go against what we're once really pretty bad odds and how we survive is every time we say something that would kill me i'd die if that happened the mind goes on red alert to stop it happening in the same way if you ate some mushrooms and were violently sick you'll find the minute you think oh no no mushrooms again or shellfish and the next time you see shelfish you go oh no no i couldn't eat that because your mind will always remember what hurts you because it's job is to keep you alive by making sure you don't get hurt but it doesn't know what hurts you until you say that last boyfriend broke my heart shredded it to pieces and jumped on it no he just got bored with you and you probably got bored with him or wasn't the right fit or a number of things yeah and everything he loved in you was still in you he was just your starter boyfriend maybe he was your starter husband but he didn't kill you but we tell ourselves all this crazy stuff and then wonder why we feel so crazy and all we have to do is tell ourselves better stuff my mum will kill me if i get my shoes dirty my dad will kill me if i don't get all a's my dad will go crazy if i come home with a bad report card which is not true but if you believe that then you create a world of stress or because of what you say to yourself and tell yourself but that's actually very good news because since you say it you can say something better yeah always what's the thing that you see the most that people struggle with is it um a stress and overwhelm and anxiousness a fear it's always a belief i'm not enough that's the biggest thing in fact i always say to all my clients there's only three things wrong with everyone everyone has got three things wrong the number one is i'm not enough the second one is i'm different so i can't connect and the third is i really want something like freedom from depression or success but it's not available but i'm not enough is the biggest i mean i've worked with hundreds of thousands of addicts i've never found one ever that ever believed they're enough and if we look at the key addiction shopping binging on food binging on alcohol binging on drugs sex sex especially porn all of those things come from a feeling of emptiness inside because we're taught oh you feel a feeling why don't you eat some doughnuts so go on to ebay and buy or amazon buy something or have a drink and our feelings are the most real thing we have and we push them down we find all this stuff to buy or eat or drink or take to keep us like john lennon said comfortably numb but then the feelings regroup and come back because they've always got a job to do and i would say to my clients look you've got to feel the feeling until it no longer requires to be felt you can't eat it or drink it or shop it away but we're all taught that we can and should so i'm not enough is the biggest problem i see i mean if you look at amy winehouse or george michael or whitney houston or philip seymour hof an immense talent a gift beauty why don't they feel like they were enough though well when the world says you are enough yeah i'm gonna celebrate you you're to have everything you want we're going to talk about you constantly stroke here you go yeah pay you a ton of money how come they still can't get over that they're not enough that's a great question there's a couple of things first of all if you're amy winehouse and someone says write a song and you write back to black in five minutes they give you eight million dollars it's what i call the self-destructedness of talent i didn't earn that it's a bit like a lottery winner i didn't work for that i got to get rid of it you know lottery winners who haven't had money will almost always go bankrupt very quickly so if you didn't earn it it has no value yeah not feeling like well i didn't work 10 years for this or yeah even with guys you know guys like to pursue women so they don't if you just give it up to them immediately they like it but they don't want to see you again because you've taken away their desire to earn it if your dad isn't heir and gives you a ton of money to open a business you won't respect it because you didn't earn it so the first thing is this came to me so easily therefore it has no value at all and that's a big thing with rock stars and music stars who debase it but the second thing is with many people like for instance george michael and whitney houston always had to pretend they were straight they have to live a lie from the very beginning michael jackson had to pretend to have this lovely god-fearing wonderful walton type family and we know that wasn't true amy had to pretend that she didn't mind at all that her dad left her mom when she was four and she minded very much indeed so when you fake it and fake it and fake it and fool the world you can't fool yourself and then you're pl you're living a line eventually it comes back and people like whitney who is just so talented then use drugs to hide the pain because i can't now come out and say that i'm not straight and i'm portrayed of this bible bashing god fearing man heterosexual man loving girl and that's not me i'm a party animal i like women but she wasn't allowed to say that it's coming from the church and everything else coming from the church and it's so unfair to do that to people because you make them pretend to be something else which causes intense stress and then when your intense stress what do you do you have to take drugs i remember years ago carrie fisher's mother saying that she would appear on screen with two baby diaper pins on her shirt and she was america's golden girl but her husband was cheating she was a chronic bulimic all her life and hid that and such a shame hey it's louis here and i would love to connect directly with you text me the word youtube to my number 614-350-3960 to receive weekly inspirational messages from me i think people could use your wisdom and your healing ways more than ever right now because i think a lot of people's thoughts are sick and they don't know how to change their thoughts heal their thoughts you know if we're so focused on negative thoughts how do we even get to the place of stopping those thoughts and starting to heal from years or decades of thinking negatively and i guess that's a great question because most people don't even get there you have to understand thoughts are things when you think a thought you have an immediate reaction that's why if you think about eating your stomach rumbles you think about sex you get aroused people say i don't believe that what do you think an erection is you think a thought you get a physical reaction that's not a one-off if you think a thought a thought has a physical reaction in your body immediately and an emotional response if i think i'm embarrassed i might blush if you say something moving my eyes might fill up with tears because my body is reacting to thoughts and if you could all be taught that early on you react to thoughts that's the fact here's another great fact you can change your thoughts anytime you like and if you change your thinking it changes your entire life so for instance we're all saying i'm stuck at home are going to i'm safe at home stuck safe you change one little word it changes everything so let me say i'm trapped i'm in a lockdown you know we're not actually trapped they're not sealing up the doors like they did in the plague and the plague they sealed your doors and you couldn't physically get out but we are asked to stay indoors we still go out for walks we go out to the store we go to the pharmacy we're not stuck we're not locked in we're not trapped we're not in prison it's not an apocalypse it's not armageddon but if you start to use those words it begins to feel exactly as if it is that case so it's really important that you change your words and i learned that when i was helping a hospital who had people who couldn't go in the scanning machine and they'd all say things like well i feel like i'm in a coffin you know when i get in that scanner and i can't move i'm so trapped i'm like look come on you lie in bed for eight hours every night and don't move why don't you just say i'm in my bed i'm super chilled and i feel so relaxed and what will happen is your mind will react to your thinking and so i had many people do that and i was teaching nurses how to get people to do that especially little kids of six going into the scan and they said you know when we tell them they're in their bed they actually fall asleep in there and we say we're going to play a game now statues how long can you keep skill still for so when i actually a few years ago was in a scanner which i didn't ever plan to be and i thought with this let me play a game and then i went i'm in my bed i'm so chill this is so great i've got half an hour to just lie here and then i decided i'm in my coffin now and they start to talk to their mercy you're moving all the time i had no idea because i was saying i'm i'm stuck i'm trapped i'm claustrophobic my body was like get out and it starts to do things to make you want to leave and so if you just understand um how you are everything changes so our ancestral brain is like flee fight freeze i can fight i can flee i can freeze so i'm in a scanner and it's like well i need to flee this i need to fight it and i'm like no if you can't fight and you can't flee don't freeze flow i can't fight i can't flee but i can flow i mean nelson mandela spent 27 years in solitude we can't even do three weeks whether it's hell it's a nightmare i'm cooped up my kids are driving me mad i want to get a divorce i can't stand it but he did 27 years you know how he did it because he said everyone in my country is in prison i'm just in a different prison to them if they can do it i can do it and i'm going to come out here the leader of my country and he did so you know we we have this belief that events affect us they don't the meaning you attach to an event affects you the interpretation you choose about an event is what affects you so i'm looking i love it it's great you know so much time i'm having the best i've got i hate it i can't stand it i'm climbing the walls i'm going cray and ripping my hair out none of which we're not actually ripping out our hair or climbing the walls or going insane we shouldn't use that but clearly it must be the interpretation because we're all reacting differently so this won't affect you but what you make of it will and it's your job to change the interpretation and if you can change the interpretation it will change your entire life how do we change the interpretation to go from your fight or freeze to flow well you first of all think what does this mean what does this mean you know i i've had a couple of clients who went to jail and they reacted interest one of them was a very rich woman who went to jail for tax evasion and she said actually she ended up really liking it she literally well she was a typical richmond she had a beautiful house lots of stuff she didn't really go anywhere everyone did everything for her she didn't really have any friends she had the ladies who lunch and when she was there she trained to be an aerobic teacher she trained to be a yoga teacher nothing else to do she really bonded with the other women and when she got out she went back every week to visit them because she said you know it was different in there it was like girls boarding school i didn't realize i was isolated at home and more connected in jail which is an interesting way to think about it and people who often people who've been in jail or been trapped in their house when in lockdown so isaac newton i believe in 1665 he developed the theory of gravity while london was locked down because of the plague sealed in their house and so he used that time so i guess you have to think well you know i can't change this but i can change what it means one day i look back and go well actually there's a lot of good stuff what can i do about it i mean we all go i just haven't got enough time i would love more time if i only had time to myself well here it is what could you do or learn or achieve and i'm not saying it's easy because i'm also safe at home and i really miss going out and meeting people but i'm also doing things i've wanted to do for years that i couldn't do because of time so silly things like cook with your kids and make that a math lesson how much does that weigh how much vitamin c is in the skin of a potato do the laundry you know why do you think detergent is called biological you can make it interesting you just have to really decide okay what does this mean to me and can i change the meaning if when i can change the meaning it will change my life because the meaning is yours to change in the interpretation as you used to choose but the fastest way is look at words am i saying apocalypse armageddon uh trapped stuck someone said to me they they've taken away my freedom who the government government forces have taken away my freedom maybe but how about they want me to live they want me to be safe the government has put this in place to keep me safe so i'm safe at home or they've taken away my freedom why looking at your words first why is that so important because the way you feel about everything is down to two things the pictures you make in your head and the words the way you feel about everything every minute of every day is only down to two things the pictures you make in your head and the words you say but you could make that even simpler and say forget about the pictures because the words make the picture you know obviously i i'm not visual and i can't see stuff but if i said to you lewis think of anything but you may not think of an orange snowman especially one whose snow is the same color as the carrot in his nose you've got to think of an orange snowman and so when you hear words they make pictures when you say don't think about blushing don't think about falling you know i paddle board every day and i notice if you go i'm wobbling here and i'm going to fall i've never ever ever fallen off because i don't think about falling i think about balance and how much i like it but when you say a word you make a picture and even the words you use in front of words make a picture you can say this is driving me crazy i'm going insane there's a picture or you can say it's a challenge it's interesting it's an opportunity because they don't make a picture so when you say i've got this cracking headache oh my god it's killing me i'm in agony my head is killing me it's swelling it's dabbing yeah or you say like a little niggle here a little niggle not great but so what when you say i'm starving this is what people do come in the house i'm starving i could eat a horse i'm dying of hunger see what you're doing which most people don't know is that 500 years ago the thing that killed us more than anything else was not disease and it wasn't war it was hunger and we're wired to be scared of hungers when you say your body i'm starving i'm dying of hunger i could eat a horse your mind goes oh that's that dangerous thing that could kill you you have an apostate here that regulates what you eat but if you say you're starving i'll put that on hold so you can eat you can stand in front of the fridge and eat so much stuff and then when you've eaten you still feel hungry because you just told me you were starving so you're saying that they're using the words i'm starving or i'm okay i don't need food whatever you say is going to manifest in the body and you just have to think how could i change am i really starving i don't think i've ever been starving i've been hungry but i've never been starving could i really eat your horse no not even a horse's leg of course you couldn't am i really dying of hunger that takes at least 12 days probably even longer so then you think why would i lie to myself and delude myself how about saying the truth i need to eat i'm ready to eat and you so what happens is maybe you're driving home or maybe you're on the train station and you say i'm starving now your mind goes there's a kit kat machine right there you should eat three of those and maybe some jelly beans and taco chips as well because you're starving and i'm your mind and my job is to keep you alive and you just said you're starving because your mind's job is to listen to your words and your job and it's a great job is to tell it better stuff so then instead you go you know i am hungry i need to eat but i've got some chicken in my house i've got some vegetables i've got a casserole i cooked it yesterday i can wait an hour and eat better food and we all have to say that i am hungry but i'm choosing to wait 30 minutes for better food you know it's the same thing in a restaurant and when i go to restaurants i'm not hungry the minute i sit down they bring that bread basket i think oh i need that and i could have eaten all of those at one time until i learned to say i'm choosing to wait half an hour to eat this really nice food i've ordered yeah but you have to talk to yourself you know we're all taught if you can um talk to your customers you'll have a great business if you can talk to your kids you'd be a great parent but no one says but you need to talk to yourself that is the most important conversation you'll ever have the one you have with yourself this relationship is killing me this kid is killing me i'm dying under my workload this free weight makes me want to die this is not true why don't you say the truth that th this community challenges it's a challenge i've got all these audio books doesn't i've got some snacks in my car i'm prepared for the challenge rather than it's killing me so what happens when we say this is killing me over and over again what happened how do we manifest that yeah if you say that your mind your mind's job is to keep you alive on the planet it doesn't actually care if you're happy you know people think my mind's jobs make me happy no it's not it's to make you live long enough to reproduce yourself and actually that takes the first 30 years we've got another 70 left so our mind's job is a little confusing to our mind but you know we are ancestral people in very modern bodies and when you say my job is killing me it goes don't go to that place called job and if you keep going to that place called job and keep saying it's killing you i'll just give you a nice ulcer i'll keep you at home now i'll make you sick i'll make you sick i'll give you a disease and we see that people say oh i need a week in bed and then they get flu now they've got their week in bed i need to get out of that meeting and now they get chronic diarrhea so it happens all the time anyway and because your mind is designed to keep you alive and so if you say you hate something people say you know this guy oh he ripped out my heart stamped all over and threw it in the trash really i think he got bored with you darling and you know what if you stuck around you probably would have got bored with him he was just your start a relationship he taught you a lot and you learned a lot and everything he loved you but he didn't take it when he packed his wash bag and left he didn't put in it all the things that made him like you they're still in you he couldn't take them home and everything he liked and you are still there and you can find a way better person that loves you more but when you say to your mind he ripped out my heart stamped all over it he killed me the mind goes you know what don't have another relationship stay single i'll make you the biggest in the world i'll make you the cold most cold-hearted guy because you keep saying if i meet another person that leaves me i'll die if i meet another person that hurts me i couldn't take the pain you know those songs i haven't got time for the pain i can't live without you when you say to your mind it'll kill me if another guy dumps me or girl i'll die if i get rejected if i have another miscarriage it will just be the end of the world for me you've told your mind i couldn't cope with that event and your mind's job is okay my job is to make sure you never have to experience that event ever ever ever again so i'm going to make you um you know i worked with someone it was so fascinating this girl had hyper sensitivity to light so bad that she couldn't go out in normal daylight and when i talked to her she said you know when i was 11 i got really really badly bullied and i said to my mom can i stay home and she's like no i'm a single parent of course you can't stay home i got to go to work and i hate my job and you have to go to school and deal with it she said but mum i i need to stay home no when she got hyperlight sensitivity what do you think happened she was able to stay home she had to stay home every day her mind believed that staying home was what she wanted and was really seductive and we have to be so careful when we say i want to be at home i i don't want to go into the world and deal with that it's too much for me and recently i was teaching because i teach rtt all over the world and i was teaching my course and and i heard this story i just trained a graduate and i was so proud of it because she said you know my first client was an anorexic girl and when i talked to her using rtt i said what because we always say the same thing what was going on when you first began to have this it's called what i call what lies beneath and she said um well i was 11 years old and opened my dad studying he was looking at porn and he was panting you know like a dog and i remember standing at the door thinking oh i never want anyone to look at me the way he's looking at that girl i would die if a man looks at me the way my dad is looking at that girl now that's actually a command to the mind do anything and everything to make sure no man ever looks at me the way he's looking at her and that's when she became anorexic when you're anorexic the ovaries don't develop you don't go into if you don't get breasts you you lose your hair but what was even more interesting is a girl in the audience said that's so bizarre because i'm bulimic and my dad used to i used to drop me off from the divorce and go look at your mom look at her in those tigers who does she think she is she just looks like a and i thought i never want my husband to ever talk about me like that and i'm so fat oh my gosh he would never talk up anything like that so same almost the same scenario the same request of the mind i couldn't cope if anyone spoke about me like that and one became anorexic and one became obese because the mind took the command do anything and everything to make sure no one ever looks at me like that and it doesn't have a set thing you mentioned something about leaning into the feelings until if you no longer need to feel them or before they go away feel the feeling that it no longer requires to be felt why do we why should we do that so give me an example okay so let's imagine you you and your ex-wife are not getting on and you have a feeling of rage about the fact that she's trying to get your kid to call the new guy daddy and she's blocking you out and you feel so angry you think i mustn't feel angry you know she's doing it for the interest of my kid or and so i just drink the anger and i drink the anger and you see with a feeling it's the most real thing you have a feeling is like a little kid in a class going notice me i'm over here and if you don't they get more and more out of control and so when you don't acknowledge your feelings they regroup and they regroup until they become outraged rage coming out and then suddenly they go a bit crazy in the car park of the store or the line of a store because the mind says i've got all this rage wants to come out someone just cut into the line take it out on them and it's so ineffective because i have something i call triple a which is be aware of your feeling most people have no idea what they feel like i shouldn't feel jealous i shouldn't feel envious i shouldn't be furious with this kid who's keeping me up all night so they're not aware of it they certainly can't accept and they never get to articulate if you can say you know my wife's a good person but actually i'm furious with what she's doing it really hurts my feelings that's why group therapy in places like aaa the good thing is you get to say sometimes i could quite cheerfully um hurt my wife i'm not going to but i feel like oh yeah i feel like that too because when you can express your feeling it goes away it goes away immediately but when you yeah even to yourself so if your mother-in-law is the absolute from hell and you can't say by the way dorothy you are the most horrible mother-in-law in the world but you just go and shut yourself in the bathroom turn on the taps flush it on it and say dorothy is a really unpleasant mother-in-law and one of mine yeah you feel so much better because you're not saying it to them it's like feelings are like gas they're in or they're out and they hurt much more when you keep them in and you want to let them out maybe gasoline obviously right in the middle of a meeting but when you keep stuff in it causes you pain and one of my amazing therapists said my mother-in-law really was the mother-in-law from hell and i could never say anything because my husband was the golden boy but after i trained i started to say you know brenda you're a really unhappy person and i know you're trying to hurt my feelings but i just feel so bad and brenda finally said you know i've been bulimic for 32 years nobody knows could you help me she completely transformed that woman in two sessions never been bulimic since now she likes me more than her son now i'm now the daughter-in-law from heaven i've got a big halo wow but when we keep everything in it does so much damage it's like little kids they get angry and we shout at them they get oh my anger makes you angry and i'm not allowed to be angry i'm not allowed to say something hurt me and all psychiatrists will tell you that and if you want to be sorted out here's something you must do express your hurt as close to the event that hurt you happening as possible you can't say to your dad you know 20 years ask for a bike and you got me a skateboard i didn't want that what i worked nights to buy you that bike you can't get any resolution after 10 years or 20 years but when you can say to your friend look i love you you're my friend but it really hurt me when you didn't even turn up to my wedding and i still had to pay for all of that and you didn't call and it hurt me i still loved you but you hurt my feelings then it's gone but when you keep it in it doesn't when you say to them you make me feel sad anything well you make me feel angry i didn't come to your wedding because your guest list that was extortionate asking for all this stuff i mean i'm not bank of america and i don't want to buy that stuff but you can't get resolution but when you say i was hurt when i felt hurt by and you can say it to a wall you can say it to a force you can say it to a mirror you can write it down it's not for the other person it's good to say it because it's out then and then it goes away it's the most wonderful thing it goes away and then everything is so different yeah it's interesting because of the last two years specifically it's been magnified with men in the media who created all these you know killing shootings yeah i know racial marches political distress you know domestic violence all these things have been happening and it's been magnified over the last couple of years right with me too and everything and as a society when men are unable to express or communicate themselves or they could be known as weak or soft or whatever the word is it's it's hard for them to to express themselves in any other way except for this blow up yeah especially when you say this like stop acting like a girl you're running like a girl exactly you're acting like a girl don't be a worst yeah don't be it's like less than their manhood yeah of course there's no wonder why if it's not acceptable for men to express themselves it's hard for them to just be stoic constantly i'm not saying it's okay what they've done to act out but i think society in general needs to have a big group hug and let it out in a way where it's more acceptable to express and also whenever anyone does anything wrong we go what's wrong with you we should say what happened to you what happened to you and they'll go well you know my mom always said she didn't want a girl boy she wanted a girl and i've been brought up give an example i had a city trader as a client who really had problems trading and his boss said you know he's the best trader but he's so nervous and when i worked with him he said when he was a kid his parents had two girls and then him and he would smash his tonka toys are going to go what's wrong with you look at your sisters just combing their doll's hair and they're so good and why are you so aggressive and a four-year-old can't go well because i have something called testosterone and they don't and i'm designed to run and jump and hunt and fish and i gotta learn what to do with aggression smashing my cars together is good for me he didn't a four-year-old doesn't have anything because they live in the world yeah they just live in a world of feeling not logic and he said i never realized just spent my whole life thinking something's wrong with me because my parents would say everything comes what's wrong with you look how neat this is they don't get peas on the floor when they eat and he said i heard it every day until i formed a belief something's wrong with you he didn't date women because he thought well i should be like one but i want to be like a man and that session totally turned him around he said it was like someone had sprayed it with pheromones because he went out that night when we were detaching but he just got rid of the feeling of something's wrong with me because most people do walk around going something's wrong with me i'm just majorly messed up and you can't heal no one understands me and no one gets yeah and i don't understand me and if i don't understand me how can you and why should i even be here yeah because you can't hear what you can't understand and so all the treating the symptom is like putting a band-aid on an infection it doesn't when you understand it you can totally change your perception of what it is because events actually don't affect you but the meaning you attach isn't done the story we tell ourselves the story and that's i love that because when when i just got all my stevie awards it's like i feel like i've got an oscar and that's good because i take client stories and i give them a happy ending always give them a happy ending but then you have to understand a bit more of psychology because humans are hardwired to recreate what they know we like what's familiar even if that's very even if it's very bad if i've never had money and i win the lottery i'm going to get rid of it or if i've never had love and you love me i'm gonna reject you because it's so unfamiliar if i've had a dad who calls me an idiot and worthless guess what kind of guy i like that's it because when i meet them i go oh i feel like i've known this guy my whole life we just clicked and they think oh my god it's because he's my dad but i've been sleeping with him for six months i don't know what to do with that now because we are wired to like what is familiar and to resist what's unfamiliar and that's what kept us alive when we lived in waters you didn't go i'm a bit bored with this group i think i'll go outside the walled city and find another tribe because they might have killed you so we have this wiring that says run towards what's familiar and run away from what's unfamiliar but the very good news is you can make anything familiar and the most important thing to make familiar is praising yourself that's if you could just do that that in itself would change your entire life how do you praise yourself well you get out in the morning and go i'm a good person i have a skill i have a town i have something to offer the world i'm here for a reason you look in the mirror and go oh there you are you're a good person you got a good heart you know the most important way to answer that question is this what did you always want your dad to tell you even if you never had a dad if you had a dad a good dad what would he have said what would your mama said what would a nice teacher have said to you and it would be something like this i'm proud of you you're a good son i'm so glad i'm your dad how lucky i got to have you and a teacher would say you're such a smart kid what a joy it is to teach you because you're smart and we all want to hear the same stuff i love you i'm proud of you you're interesting you're great company nobody needs to hear i'm the best dentist in beverly hills because that doesn't work it's emotions and many of my clients their mother might be dead but they're still trying to get her to approve of them dad's living in another country but they're still working to make him like them and you know the most important thing is you like you so whatever you wanted to hear say it to yourself because your mind doesn't even know that it's coming and also it doesn't care your mind doesn't care what you tell it is right or wrong or true or false or even if it's good or bad it lets it in like chapstick on your lips your lips don't go is this organic fair trade just lets it in it needs a bit of nourishment and we need some nourishment and words are very nourishing and there is actually nothing on the planet that will raise your self-esteem like praise but self-praise is better because i said to you i just adore you you're amazing by the way you know can you do this and this and this i've manipulated you but if i say it to myself my mind knows there's no manipulation and the mind likes repetition and when you say every day your mind kind of goes oh yeah here you go again with that praise you say it every day must be true and now it sinks in problem is if you criticize yourself every day it says the same thing as well it's interesting because you know the the big talents that commit suicide or die you know the um who's the comedian robin robin williams robert williams amy winehouse all these individuals who had the world praising them yeah they weren't able to praise themselves yeah they and they don't let it in it doesn't matter if everyone else acknowledges you yeah it does matter but you have to be willing to acknowledge yeah as well right and the familiar unfamiliar if praise is unfamiliar but criticism is familiar when you say to someone like robin williams oh my god that last show was funny guys didn't you notice i i've left out the best i fluffed a word it wasn't as good as the one before so if you're not used to praise you'll reject it and if you're used to criticism you'll add it in because we do what's familiar so if we say to someone i love your book they go oh actually it's not that good the other one is much i love your talk oh i got it in a car boot sale it's five years i've got a hole in it so if we haven't got praise we actually reject it and you just have to say to yourself i'm going to make this familiar i'm going to praise myself for every day might feel weird but i'll keep doing it it's a bit like running you know running isn't familiar especially around beverly hills but if you put your shoes on and go for a run on concrete eventually it becomes familiar and then you like it i mean sticking a lens in your eye that's the weirdest thing very unfamiliar the first few times oh my god i'm coming in my eye like that and then after a while you can do it almost without thinking because you get used to it you can make anything familiar or unfamiliar and my advice to everyone is look at your bad habits and make them unfamiliar and look at what you want especially praise and make it familiar more so because if you've got a startup or you're working for yourself the days of a boss going well done good job pat on the back are over and you have appraised muscle and no one's going to build it up except for you but if you build it up it makes you bulletproof we have a similar philosophy and a lot of people that come to me are afraid of certain things and at an early age i was afraid of a lot of things yeah i was afraid to talk to girls as a you know 12 year old i was afraid of speaking in public i was afraid of dancing i was afraid of all these things right and i got so sick and tired of being afraid that i just said i'm going to give myself a challenge every day you know when i had a when i was afraid of girls i was like every time i see a girl that gives me butterflies i'm going to go up to them and start a conversation and it's terrifying and i'm sweating and i'm stumbling over words and people rejected me the first few times but i just kept doing it and yeah the girl said hi yeah nice to see you and you get a little confidence until you know by the end of the summer when i was a teenager it was like every girl was talking to me of course and i tell people you gotta embrace the fear until the fear disappears yeah it's similar with the feelings yeah you've got to live in the feelings until what would you say feel the feeling that it no longer requires to be felt that's right because what you're really describing so eloquently is you had a massive fear of rejection talking to girls speaking in public asking doing enough yes someone hasn't to employ you or pay you so we have a great fear of rejection which is not surprising because when we're born we we have two drivers find connection avoid rejection after all if a mother rejects a child if a lion rejects the cub he's not going to be adopted it will just die yeah or it just starves to death and so we know innately that our survival on the planet is linked to not being rejected and not that long ago you would have died from rejection you know in in a thousand years ago when they banished you outside the walls of the city or you marooned a difficult sailor or you cast someone out of the community you pretty much died there was nothing out there but purgatory so we have a wiring that says rejection will kill me and that's why you had the fear but when you can dialogue with yourself no it feels like it will kill me it can't kill me because no girl can reject me unless i give her my permission right give them my power you can't reject me unless i agree with everything i don't like you because you've got short hair i don't like your shirt i don't like you because you're white not white tall short glasses not but when you say you can't reject me i'm i can't be rejected because the only person you can reject me is me you can talk to girls realizing even if they say no you're not my type i'm with someone no thanks or even ooh not no they can only reject you if you let that in and we look at someone like james corden who's certainly not gorgeous but women love him because he's funny so funny and you know we like warm people you know the the packaging is all very nice we'll as well have a great packaging a great rapper and it'll but they're unhappy and so our greatest fear is to be rejected but the truth is in 2018 you could live in this apartment have amazon deliver your groceries never see a soul and you probably live until you're 106. yeah wouldn't i advise it but we don't die of rejection anymore but we still feel like we will and all schools should be teaching kids you cannot be rejected you can ask for a pay rise you can ask for crowd funding you can go to someone go here's my idea you can write a book speak in public because i with a lot of actors who say i'm so scared of rejection i'm like well how are you going to be an actor then you're supposed to be rejected so why don't you and i write books for everyone who loves it there's gonna be an odd person because i hate this book and i hate that writer too but we don't let it in we have to laugh about it when you give a youtube talk i mean i've got one of my talks got like three million views and there's a few in there going i hate her stuck up english um snob but they don't know me because that's not me at all but i don't go oh my god i can never write another book i can i'm okay because i don't let you in because the only opinion that matters is my opinion i know i'm not a stuck-up english snob so that can't hurt me because if it did i wouldn't be sharing it with you right yeah so if everyone's giving you negative feedback or critical feedback on who you are your performance yeah your work how does someone not let it affect them how does someone say okay that's such a great question so if someone just comes in and goes i hate that shirt well that that color is so not you or you should never have cut your hair or oh you've got a bit heavy you just go thanks for sharing that just a really simple thing which says thank you for sharing your opinion which i can choose to not let in you don't have to do anything else when the minute you go your shirt's pretty awful look at your hair or calling me heavy you look you you look anorexic you've let it in and now you're trying to retaliate and it's like a game of tennis if you put down your racket and walk off the court you can't volley so the first thing to say is thanks for sharing that and it's very good for the little barbs we get from people family friends sisters cousins exes right um if someone is really mean and says you know i listened to your talk on youtube oh my god you stank up the place i was embarrassed for you then you go back and you say i missed that could you repeat that for me slowly they will usually not bother because they know that in you asking them to repeat it slowly you're going to call them out on it and they usually go oh me and my big mouth i'm just having a badge i didn't actually really watch it anyway just ignore me and if they do you must not go after them and go no i want you just repeat it right now say it to my face don't do that because a bit like a lion who bears the teeth they're saying back off and i don't want to attack you when a lion bears its teeth you don't go up to it you walk away it gives you a chance to retract so saying could you repeat that slowly is giving the person a chance to retract they almost always do but occasionally they'll come out and go no i just said you're so wooden as a speaker as an insult to wood and then you have your third reaction which is oh are you trying to make me feel bad about myself amazing they usually go no no me no i thought i should tell you how bad you are because you need to get help or never speak in public again or i mean i had a nanny once it was so awful i had to say to a darling you're wonderful but you're not meant to be a nanny and i didn't criticize her i just advised her to go and do something else and we're still friends sometimes people think that the criticism and the barbs and the humor are a good way to give you a message so when you say you're trying to hurt my feelings they often say no when you're being bullied at school if you say they go yeah i really am i want to hurt you that's the point dummy what because it's a domination bullying is just dominating it's a bit like a seesaw the bully feels they're at the bottom and you're above them and they can only diminish you or embellish themselves to be above you on this little see-saw so they feel inferior yeah what do you always feel inferior so let's imagine you you're poor your dad drinks you don't have any money and there's this kid with new trainers a new backpack and they come up and say you're just a or you're gay because they want they can't really embellish themselves so the next option is let me diminish you i mean the embellishment isn't i'm you're the no one in my family has been divorced so when we fight it must be your fault i mean you're from divorced people or well i've got a degree and you haven't or i've already raised a kid and i've got no problem with those ones so this must be your fault so you can embellish yourself but if you calm you go into diminishment and so when when when someone says yes i am trying to hurt your feelings you simply reply well it's not going to work because i'm not letting that in and i was in my garden last week filming an anti-bullying program which we're giving away to every school and i had these kids and this little girl was saying um i'm not letting that in that's not going to work and i said how do you first because i feel so good because he's not hurting my face i'm not letting it in he can't hurt me because i'm just saying i'm not going to let that in and then when it was his turn he said i'm kind of running i'm becoming demotivated to bully her i'm totally demotivated and i was enjoying it because he got to the horrible things he said i'm so demon i'm running out of stuff to say because she just won't let it in and then they switched and she said the same thing what's the point he's not letting it in i just just want to stop this now so that's the fourth option well that won't work because i'm not letting it in and the fifth stage is to say particularly with adults like if you have a bullying co-worker do you know since we're sharing here you do know don't you that people who are critical have so much criticism reserved for themselves they actively dislike themselves and you're actually showing me and the entire office that you really don't like yourself like critiquing me yeah by critic you're just showing me yeah critical people always have criticism reserved for themselves they are full of self-criticism but they reflect it out and superior people and happy people always praise and people who feel inadequate always criticize because criticize withers you and praise builds you up and if you can use those five clinics thanks for sharing could you repeat that are you trying to hurt my feelings won't work i'm not letting it in since we're sharing did you know what is running your critical behavior you don't let it in and being able to not let in criticism that too will change your life it it makes you bulletproof you can't stop people being mean and having a horrible day and we now have trolling which is becoming an epidemic so it's actually worse our kids used to get bullied at school and go home to a sanctuary another bullied and it's it never ends and they feel really attacked and see when you find trolls they're usually really miserable and unhappy but they love the power because they have no power they live on their own or with their mum they have no life i mean we had a terrible situation in england where somebody was trolling this person whose child had been kidnapped and when they exposed her she killed herself which was a terrible thing for her but obviously her sense of shame that she was outed and to kill herself but she must have felt terrible i felt so sorry for her but she was very vicious in her trolling but that's a really unhappy person she needed a lot of help but when you can teach people to come back from criticism without fighting or going well i hate you too or you're all shut up or crying when you can just teach them look i'm not letting it it's like if i try to give you a gift you go and i don't need that gift i'm holding the gift i can't give you something if you don't take it i can't serve papers on you unless you accept them i can't serve a volley to you unless you volley it back so when you learn that people can try and give you anything but if you don't accept it you haven't let it in and if you don't let it in it can't hurt you it just hurts the person who's left holding it years ago i used to when i got early in my career i would react to any negative comment that i got online twitter facebook whatever it might be anything that was critical towards me it was like i had to defend myself sure you don't know this because you let it in i let everything in i let everything control consume me yeah so i was driven to be perfect to try to like never let anyone create me and then when they did i was like you don't know me you don't know this and i remember feeling so exhausted of course trying to reply and be defensive and whatever it may be and sometimes these arguments online we go back and forth for days i know just waiting for then you forget what you've even argued about in the first place and a a good coach of mine at one point he saw me this was years ago saw me like i'd gotten a lot better but still five years ago i like tried to defend myself with like a very positive response that was like well here's why i did this this and this but nothing negative right and he called me out he said listen don't even respond like that just say thank you for the feedback yeah period thanks for sharing exactly what you said just like thank you for the feedback and let it go yeah and really now i think about you know the biggest critics are the ones who aren't creating if you're you don't see an author you never go on amazon leave a negative review for another author no i have a question yeah and it says there's never been a statue erected to a critic and i gave it to one of my clients who's an actor that's great and it's such a great thing there's never been a statue or a monument directed to a critic that's great yeah we had a critic in london a critique play critic and he actually wrote a play and it was absolutely hammered he when i never realized what i was doing to people how much i hurt them when i reviewed them thought it was funny to make a joke they were expensive oh my god this book should not be put down indeed it should be thrown as far away from the unfortunate reader as possible wow he wrote that and then people started to get their own back yeah yeah yeah the trouble of this book is once you put it down you simply can't pick it up again that's funny isn't it but not for the person who wrote it exactly what's the difference between feelings and thoughts well you can change your thoughts so feel it's a good question so a feeling is something you feel it's come from the body absolutely suddenly i've seen a snake and i feel like i've seen a ram i feel repulsed i i've been seeing a rat in my house night the f i thought a rat horrible i mean i could pick up a hamster i could pick up a little um you know i could hold a butterfly or i could hold a ladybug because the picture is this is cute but i wouldn't hold a cockroach or a dung eating beetle i wouldn't hold a moth and so when you get a feeling you've got a picture and you feel scared and the feeling is so instant that we think the feeling comes immediately so a feeling you have to talk yourself out of a feeling thoughts are also pretty instant but you can change them very quickly i i'm going on a date i feel terrified no actually i don't i feel excited i got a choice i feel terrified i feel excited you know one of my clients was a very famous rock star and he had to pay someone to push him on stage so he get all ready super excited he's a la bowl or the o2 he's got the guitar she's about to go and he thinks oh my god i can't do this because he's got the feeling of absolute fear and so up comes a guy whose job is to push him on stage and he begins to do that and then he feels great but that feeling would have overwhelmed him if he hadn't decided i'm just going to feel the feeling and carry on so feelings we think we're a victim of our feelings we're not you can you can choose to interpret a feeling and thoughts you you have to make sense of them but here's an interesting rule your thoughts control your feelings your feelings control your actions and your actions control your enemies or you could say your thoughts dictate your feelings your feelings dictate your actions and your actions dictate your events so that actually says the thought comes first even before the feeling really the thought comes first and then comes the feeling and then comes the action so all the laws go back to change your thoughts we try so i'm going to change this i feel so sad i'm going to change that i feel so lonely i feel so unhappy but actually if you change your thinking it will take care of the feeling you won't feel that way no it's like if you go and watch a roller coaster people are screaming you have are they screaming because they're terrified or happy who knows but you get to choose what you think about that it's a bit like you know i think i told you this story before about one of my clients who had breast cancer and she said i feel so lucky because i don't need a breast i need a leg and an arm and an eye but i don't need that and sometimes the strangest things that happen if you can look back and go oh well how i thought about that event affected me way more than the event it's always how you think community yeah the meaning behind it so we're taught that we're we can't change our feelings our feelings come upon us and there's nothing we can do but we're taught that our thoughts well we maybe we can run those but it's not true you can change your feelings and your thoughts and if you change your thoughts you change your feelings if you change your feelings it doesn't change your thoughts so a lot of people you know i'm really nervous i'm going to like jump up and down and take some deep breaths and breathe into a brown paper bag because i heard that was good and i'm doing all of that so i'm controlling the feelings but the thoughts come back so let's say you said i'm i'm terrified of birds or dogs and if i saw one i'd have a heart attack right a little bird landing on my table oh no i don't even go to outside restaurants because a little bird that would kill me or or dogs i don't like i don't like cats see these are thoughts now if you try to say to someone look but it's such a cute little dog it's such a sweet little bird it can't hurt you because the feelings are going on you believe that's not true but when you change the thoughts the feeling does go away completely which is why again people can have a little pet gerbil and be terrified of a mouse it's why you could eat lamb but not horse i mean i would never eat foal i wouldn't eat donkey i wouldn't eat pony i wouldn't eat baby elephants but i eat lamb i don't eat lamb very often but i'm not a vegan i was for a long time and a vegetarian it's the thinking so a vegan would go i could never eat anything with a face but the thought is there and then they would feel sick of it anything with the face so if i had a big lump of meat in my hand now what do you think about that well if you're a vegan you think that's disgusting that was a living sentinel creature if you're a hindu you'd think that's so offensive that's a sacred animal if you're a bodybuilder to go great protein if you're starving think protein find a syringe in my hand right now what is that well if you're having a tattoo it's very exciting it's the way to get inked all over your arm if you're in immense pain that's fantastic it's going to take the pain away if you're a drug addict that's like oh yes i'm going to get off my face now and if you're scared of needles it's like oh i feel i faint at the side of needles i i can't even look at no no i've got raging tooth i'm not going to the dentist ever because i don't like needles so it's not the needle is it it's not the lump of meters what you think about it dictates what you feel about it so you don't have a feeling about the meat or the needle you have a thought and a thought dictates the feeling is this why hypnotherapy is so powerful because if people can't change their thoughts themselves then you can guess it get them into a relaxed state to allow them to think differently and see oh it's not that bad it's really powerful i mean proper hypnotherapy the kind i do and you know all therapy is good but proper hypnotherapy excites the imagination it doesn't say every day in every way you're getting better it says you are and excited and thrilled and turned on by going to the gym and you love working then you come home and you choose to eat the right food and then you work on your business plan and you're so excited and the right ideas take root and develop and you formulate something amazing and you monetize a gift and you're just so successful because the mind loves exciting words the words must be in the present tense they must make a picture and they must be powerful and dramatic and even better have powerful words in front of the words so i give my clients the words they've always wanted to hear so all i do really is the first time i'm like a detective and i'm gathering information that come in or maybe i'm online or maybe i'm teaching other people and the first thing you do is you're an investigator a detective lays out pictures and goes look at that if i look at those i understand what went wrong so i'm a detective and i'm understanding what went wrong and then straight away after that all good hypnotherapists do this particularly rtt our rapid transformational therapists investigate they find an imprint there's always an imprint a scared child an authority vigor and something that goes on but then the next bit which most therapists don't do is you interpret that with your client if you go look you do this because of that they go well really i went home and told my mum that's rubbish of course you don't i went home and told my husband i don't think that's true and now i'm doubting it and i used to do that okay you do this because of that most people said yes but when i got my clients to do it with me let's work why do you think you didn't go well now you've mentioned it of course when i was four these twin brothers came along and i now i can see that i felt replaced usurped no longer i lost my status i didn't know who i was so it's allowing the patient to investigate as well yeah and then so they investigate um find the imprint interpret but then you interrupt it you completely smash side throughout the party yes i know when you were two when you were born you weighed three pounds you nearly died your parents fed you with a dropper if you broke brother i cried hysterically and was on the phone with the doctor and your dad got to get this baby to eat otherwise going back into the premier ward but now you're 42 you weigh 300 pounds you're not gonna die anymore so you interrupt it and you have to be funny and relevant and also quite tough it's not a good enough reason to keep doing that going to all you can eat buffets is not a challenge if you're not supposed to eat as much as you possibly can because it's free because there's no such thing as free take whatever you want and then pay for it and when you eat all that food they're losing it but you're paying for it it's a price that you're paying yeah so after you've done the investigate um imprint interpret interrupt then you do what i call the installing so you go from being a detective to like a doctor who's extracting all the toxins and then you become a coder and you code in and you wire it with firing yeah and the mind learns by repetition the mind learns by repetition and it only responds to words like a picture if you go i'm not bad me i have good days and bad days i'm all right no you have to go i am the greatest muhammad ali said i told myself i was the greatest i didn't even know i was but i said it then i became it he could have been i'm not bad me good day bad days i didn't sometimes i'm all right sometimes i'm good i will win i am the best no one can beat me he says that no no one can beat me which actually wasn't true he was beaten but he carried on saying it and now we tend to think of him as the unbeaten muhammad ali the person who never got it wrong so when you meet people who say i'm the best i'm the greatest i'm amazing we forget that some of those actors in movies that were dreadful we forget that they did they lost a fight yeah conor mcgregor has lost a few fights we just remember how good they were because they told us we were good so the most important part of hypnotherapy the two things one is you must find the reason and remove it and the second is you must put in really powerful powerful powerful words and a lot of therapists didn't repeat it repetitively yeah about a 12 to 15 minute long audio but it's got to be really exciting and i listen to it every day yeah 21 days if not every day you can listen to it for three weeks and then it's gone in it's wired and it's fired in you can then a month later we've got some important interview play again but a lot of people don't understand they either go to therapy and they understand why but they still do it because they don't do the new installation or they do the installation without finding out why so they buy all these recordings and i know they work because somebody said oh i bought your recording for examiners and my kid who was live on the floor hysterical just said i'm going to ace that exam and she went in there and she did so it does work but when you do both it it works forever and you know therapy is such a strange thing and i'm not anti any therapist but there's no other professional they go bring me your pain and we'll talk about it nobody goes hey dentist i've got this terrible infection why don't you come in and we'll have a conversation about it every wednesday at three o'clock they go get that infection no one says to their doctor i've got i think i've broken my arm we can discuss that every week how's the pain today i don't know i'm being facetious but it's such a strange model let's discuss your pain every week until you get used to it get to understand it get familiar with it or get past it i'm like why didn't you just get past it straight away because if someone came to me and said i have a chronic chronic headaches i wouldn't ever say listen let me get rid of the headache today right now use hypnosis and we can certainly turn the pain right down and then we can find out why you have it but i would never say well let's discuss it and so hypnotherapy is more powerful i think than any other therapy because it both removes the pain and removes the cause of the pain yeah it takes away the pain and it takes away the call they'll say but surely if you stop someone smoking they bite their nails you start someone drinking don't they go gambling do something else no if you do it properly they never ever do that because you take away the source of the pain and the pain it's like you saying i've got weeds in my lawn i mowed them but two two years later they came back that's so weird it's not really weird because you left the roots intact what's the what's the main cause of most people smoking that that keeps them addicted for so long is there a common theme well yeah it's it's it's like everything whether you're smoking drinking gambling it's your belief like a lot of smokers i can't go to the bathroom if i don't smoke well what do they think non-smokers do they go to the bathroom can't relax if i don't smoke i can't focus if i don't so i can't digest a meal if i don't smoke i mean i've heard every single reason why people must smoke because i mean i worked with the famous writer and she said i can't write without cigarettes i'm like is that where your talent lies in a packet of marlboro lights i didn't know that i thought you were gifted you just said no it's the marlboro lights it's not the marble lights well then stop telling yourself that it is but it's the lies we tell ourselves so smokers will say i don't know what to do with my hands why don't you look at a non-smoker do what they do drinkers will say i can't relax without a drink i can't focus i can't enjoy myself as well how could you live your life without chocolate how could you enjoy your coffee without sugar we lie to ourselves so much and you know i i i do opposite why don't you tell yourself a better life where did you go i love my life without sugar it's thrilling it's not true and i know if you say it every day you know what happens it becomes true no one was more of a chocoholic than me no one ate more sugar than me yeah until i decided to stop poisoning my body and realize that it's a horrible thing it doesn't mean it doesn't taste lovely it's almost like we're all hypnotizing ourselves every day throughout our whole life that's true we are hypnotized every day based on what we're saying and also the media who by the way if you put on a computer or drive to work you are invited to eat rubbish food about 500 times a day you know you put on an advert there's no adverts for broccoli or yummy pears they're adverts of fast food i mean i went to the olympics in london i took my godson i was there and there were three sponsors cadburys mcdonald's and coca-cola you remember they were giving out they had the purple trays they were giving out cadburys and i'm like this is isn't that weird that chocolate is sponsoring the olympics but they have the money because they made us believe that you can't have valentine's day without chocolate you can't have christmas without chocolate how can you have easter without easter eggs so we've got all of this stuff wired into our brain it makes me happy it makes me feel good but you know you can unwire that it's actually really really easy i was uh in college my senior year of college i was i wanted to be an all-american decathlete and i had six months where i made the decision okay my dream was being all-american my whole life i didn't get it in football originally i did after this but i had one season left with what i thought and i had the track season and i was a decent sprinter and i could high jump and i could do a few events but i was not good at any one event in order to make my goal of being an all-american but the decathlon which is ten events i was like huh maybe if i put all these together maybe i could i've never done the pole vault and i've never done hurdles in a few other events and for me the pole vault was the scariest because i didn't like going upside down i didn't like being a little pole 15 feet in the air i didn't want to bend something and snap and break my neck all these fears and i literally did what you said which was i made a voice audio recording back then i was 21. it was about eight to ten minutes long just essentially hyping myself up i love going upside down i love bending the pole where it almost snaps and slingshots me to achieve my goal i just talked about this over and over and then every night i would listen to this yeah let's do it before i did the pole vault and i would watch highlight videos every night before i go to sleep of the best pole vaulters in the world and i was horrible at the time but i took the actions on the thoughts which made the events a possibility and i didn't even know what i was doing but i was like i need to trick my mind until i became confident i'm curious you talked about you know telling ourselves better lies how do we become more self-confident or overcome doubt yeah if we've never been confident and then just lie that we are yeah well it's what i call lychee and steel lie to your mind cheat fear steal back the phenomenal confidence you were born with so a baby doesn't really have a fear of being upside down or a pole and then a baby would put a cockroach in their mouth if you let them shove their hands an electric socket if you allow them to touch a really hot oven because they are fearless they're kamikaze pilots so i think you should lie to your mind all the time you know when i go on stage to this day i still get this tingling in my fingers and tingling in my toes and i know it's adrenaline and i could go oh my god i'm so nervous look my hands are shaking now and i'm really nervous i could go i'm so excited i love it love it love it love it love it and many years ago i had an experience probably the first time i really lose the power of lying to yourself and i was in bed it was late at night and the bbc called me and said can you come on the radio in the morning we want to talk about the work you've done with this football club and how they've gone from nowhere to being in the premier league and i'm like sure they said well we'll pick you up at 6am it's very early and then we'll take you to the studio and just do the radio show so 6 a.m about 10 to 6 i got out of bed clean my teeth i think i half comb my hair got in the car went off sat down and then all of a sudden they said actually we're no we're going to put you straight on the news so they started to run me across the car park and i'm like where's hair and make it there now we haven't got time for that you're going on the news this is such a great story forget about the radio we want you on the news so i sat down video tv tv and i'm trying to comb my hair put on a bit of lipstick i mean i've just woken up and the gurney is there and i know it's coming towards me like this and i knew i had a choice i could go oh my god why didn't you put on a nice jacket why didn't you comb your hair why didn't you put on makeup why didn't you and i remember saying i have a choice now i've got 30 seconds to either go kind of idiot you or to go i love it so i'm going to go i love it i love it i love it i love being live on the bbc news i love it so much i love it and hear it so i love it love it love it love it love it right in my face and then i just did the interview and it was great but if i kept saying oh my god i haven't even come my hair looks so awful and actually one person said hey i saw you while you didn't comb your hair i said i know it was six a.m but no one like this adult is so cool what you did with that football team that was extraordinary no one else said one person noticed yeah that was a girl of course and i noticed but you know yeah but it's the lying to yourself i can do it you know i'm sure you know this very famous story about someone asking a major rock star what it's like he went it's amazing going on stage it's better than an orgasm you said just before you go on your fingers tingle and your heart beats and this adrenaline this is just so awesome and and everything is going on you're shaking trembling sweating heartbeats pounding a million miles a minute and then you go on stage and there they are and they love you and it's like it's better than sex now cues someone they said why did you stop performing they said well the most terrible thing happened to me now every time i was about to go on stage my fingers would tingle and my heart beats so fast and then i get all this adrenaline and i started sweating and i realized i was having a massive panic attack and it happened every time so i retired from performing so you see they both lie to themselves she said it was a panic attack he said it was better than sex but it's better to say this is exciting this is thrilling this is amazing even when it isn't when someone's putting a needle in your arm and you go oh is that going to hurt better to go i'm so great and i'm just reading my phone here oh look at that that's fantastic i'm oblivious to what's going on in my arm and by the way needles are so fine now that i won't even notice it so it is a lie but it's a good lie and we all like when you say i'm just rubbish i'm just useless i don't even know why i'm here who's ever going to want me well isn't that a lot why would you say that you know some of the most happily married women in the world have got scars floors and yet they have people that worship them and some of the most beautiful women in the world go yeah but you know i've got big feet or i've got this downy hair on my legs yeah this mole or when i do that i've got this fat um and they they lie to themselves i am not enough is the biggest lie in the world that's why i found the i'm enough movement because it's a lie no baby says i'm not enough because i haven't got a dad or i've got any teeth yet or i've got these milk spots i've got no hair and so we all when we say i'm not good enough i'm not smart enough i'm not attractive enough i'm not interested that is a lie because my grinders say every pan has a lid and and then when i got married to john i said i found my lid and he found his lid and i'm far from perfect and so is he but these people that wait they're waiting to be prettier thinner richer more interesting they're missing out on so much love because that's a lie you don't have to be perfect to be loved you have to be you and you'll never get to perfect perfect as a race and as you run towards it they move the finishing line again and again and again and i've had many people who appear to be perfect and they are always the unhappiest of all my clients and always a loneliest too because that's a lie that there isn't a perfect person on the planet and many of my clients are supermodels so you know it becomes it's horri everyone expects me to be amazing eric clapton's wife patty i mean they wrote she and george harrison wrote for her something in the way you move attracts me like no other lover and eric were wonderful tonight and layla and i asked her once what that was like it was horrible horrible people expected this goddess to walk in the room i always felt i was going to disappoint them wow which is such a shame because she is actually a lovely lovely person patty but just because she was a supermodel on the cover of oak and she said i looked for every floor and you know what i always found it because if you look for flaws that's one of the rules of the mind you find what you look for if you look for what's wrong of course you'll find if you look for what's right you'll find that if you look for why you're not enough of course you'll find it if you look for why you are enough just the way you are you're enough because you're enough yeah so everything's alive tell yourself steal well aren't we all doing that now i'm locked i'm in lockdown i mean i'm in quarantine nobody's in quarantine quarantine is when you're in like a tent in a hospital nobody can go in that's quarantine yeah you're fine we're not in quarantine we're not cooped up stuck trapped no one's taken our freedom away no we're not a prisoner but you see this is the lie the lies we say i've got to be a great a student i'm not enough i'm rubbish and you might as well since we all lie to ourselves the freeway is killing me isn't that a lie my job makes me want to die well that's a lie if i get rejected one more time i jump under a train but that's a lie i've eaten non-stop for 24 hours really did you pee yes did you eat while you were paying her did you sleep yes so did you no so you just said you ate non-stop for 20 that's a lie my legs are the size of a house that's a lie i've got a barn the size of i've got sorry i've got a bum the size of a city that's a lie i should say butch my butt is size of a small city it's a lot i can eat enough i eat as much as an army eats what if these things are lies my kids want to kill myself my partner is making me go crazy i'm insane with tiredness i'm shattered i'm exhausted they're all lies you're not you need a bit of sleep my kids are nightmare no they're age-appropriate so we all lie so tell yourself a better life and you'll have a whole better life tell yourself a better life live better life what do you think is your greatest challenge that you face internally personal challenge as someone who's helped thousands tens of thousands of people personally oh my goodness yeah i suppose it's not a challenge to get more people to understand it because people need it you know we all need to be nourished you know we need inter we need nourishment our soul needs to be nourished it's not about organic avocados from an one market that's great but we all need this emotional nourishment so is it a challenge getting more people to accept it i don't think it is because everyone i see oh my god i love that and some people will go you know i i listen to you thought oh that's rubbish but then i found myself going into the garage and saying nice stuff to myself so [Music] maybe my only challenge but even then it's not a challenge is i would say half the medical profession love what i do and really go for it oh my god this is amazing i'm using it with my own patients the other half get this is all silly you know illness is caused by disease that you can't talk yourself better talking to yourself doesn't make any difference you can't possibly give birth just using positive affirmations it's like if if you had cancer and you had a very good oncologist you might go look you know the way you think the way you eat the way you act the way you rest can all affect and we're going to you got cancer chemotherapy there's nothing else that will work and all that stuff is hocus pocus so that is a challenge but it's not so much because i find so many doctors love what i do and go wow you know all these illnesses are autoimmune illnesses many years ago there was a wonderful psychiatrist in london called dr mortley and he had a great expression it's always been my favorite and it says the feeling that cannot find its expression in tears may cause other organs to weep so he knew 100 years ago that's beautiful so beautiful and so true the feeling that cannot find its expression in tears will cause other organs to weep so he's sort of saying if you don't feel the feeling your body's gonna feel it if you don't open your mouth and say you hurt me don't be surprised if you get a screaming everywhere i've got this screaming headache i've got this angry red rash i've got this thumping pain and by the words they're using angry screaming they're saying i have rage that can't come i'm not expressing it but it's kind of expressed throughout yeah because the body is very clever at finding something i worked with someone who couldn't walk and all ships i can't stand there i can't stand my ex i can't stand my life i can't stand my kids and you can't stand up isn't that interesting she had sort of phantom leg pains because she couldn't stand anything bulimia well what makes me sick is my sister-in-law i'm so sick of her she just makes me sick i vomit in my mouth every time i hear a voice and then they wonder why they believe it right because our words really affect our reality partly because and it's such an easy thing to say every word you say is a blueprint that your mind body and psyche are working to make your reality so we we we make our thoughts and our thoughts make us then we go out into the world and we justify our thoughts every day but we our words are a blueprint and when you know that you think well i better pay attention to that blueprint i better not say this kid is killing me my job is making me want to die i'm so stressed out by what the queue in hughes market well go to zimbabwe where there is no hughes market and there is no queue and there's no money to buy food and then you can say you're stressed because your problem the queue in erawan and the bill is someone else's fantasy dream come true you this freeway is killing you you have a car you haven't look at people on four buses i used to take my daughter to school when i'm in one day thinking that oh my god this commute is hell and i saw someone at a bus and thought how lucky i'm in my car i've got the heating i've got a cup of tea i've got an hour to listen to some i can talk to my kid i keep saying one and now to myself well here it is and i learned to stop doing that but when you said how are you ah nightmare is torture what the traffic yeah the traffic the queue people keep ringing me the phone ringing it's torture well maybe if it didn't ring that might be worse some of my clients or models will say my life is hell because people look at me it's like really well one day they won't and then you might miss it if i get on a plane and guys hit on me it's a nightmare well put on a baseball hat and glasses really and they'll leave you alone but that's not a nightmare it's just mildly inconvenient it's not hell right it's not killing you but we use these incredible words this is torture this is killing me this isn't like this is a disaster what is well i went to the bathroom and i forgot to pause my movie that's not a disaster but when you use those words because your mind can't differentiate to feel like it really is a disaster but on the flip side of this the beautiful part if we you know when we understand and appreciate that our thoughts yeah things yeah we can create the life of our dreams as well we can start to manifest our thoughts by by visualizing by telling ourselves what we want who we want to become yeah and taking those actions toward it we can manifest our dreams you really can you can stop being ill you can change the shape of your body you can change your digestion you can have physical things you can change the way you interact with your kids where they so here's a good example my kid is a nightmare change that to my child as age appropriate there you go that's it this builder's gonna go oh my god that's a disaster but a good buildup is a challenge when you said talking to girls is terrifying you just change that it's challenging but hey there's hundreds of girls out there there's a numbers game one will say yes and even if they say no the only risk in life is not to take the risk that's the risk if you don't say when you take the risk and it goes wrong you learn something it gives you feedback for how you show up differently next time my girlfriend's a doctor of physical therapy when she works on people she would agree with everything you're saying because people's bodies are so tight yeah because of something they tore or something so sore but it's because they're holding on to something emotionally and she says once they start to talk their bodies relax and the pain goes away yeah i know all the pain where they can't lift their shoulder they can't turn their neck once they let it out their feelings yeah about their relationship or their insecurities or whatever it may be yeah that's when they have a pain-free body because the body keeps score the body holds on to pain and stress and tension and grief and we carry around all this stuff and yet we really don't have to if just more people knew even to say i'm enough every day and to say another of my favorite things to go is i'm choosing this and i'm choosing to feel great i'm choosing to work on my website or weekend i'm choosing to go to the gym i don't love it but i love having a six-pack i'm choosing to say no to krispy kreme donuts and yes to apples love krispy kremes do you i could eat 12 of them right now oh they're so good but i choose these yeah yeah and if you say i'm choosing to do this and choosing to feel great about it your mind has a very clear image the way you feel about everything is down to two things the pictures you make in your head and the words you say just if there's nothing else so if you choose to run going i'm running so i'm raising money for charity so i'm going to complete this run even though my feet hurt my knee hurts because i'm going to raise money but you could run going oh i hate this it's so i could be at home watching netflix i haven't eaten and now my knee hurts and then you'll have to stop so when you keep saying i'm choosing because yeah so if you're an olympic athlete you would choose to get up at 4am and train if you are a diabetic you choose to put a needle in your arm if you wear lenses you choose to jab your finger in your eye but you don't go oh i hate it i don't i can't accept it and i can't change it and when you say i'm choosing to study to work i want to go and talk to this girl i really like or to put good food in my body and i'm choosing to feel great about that too there is no resistance when you go i want doughnuts and i can't have them i got to eat this freaking rabbit food what your mind does is it increases the desire for donuts because you said i want doughnuts but i can't have them i want pizza i'm eating kale i can't have these but i choose to use pizza i can eat pizza every day when i'm 95 i'm going to knock myself out with pizza but right now i actually want to look really good in my clothes maybe out of them too so i'll save the pizza when i'm 80 because that door is probably shut then anyway then you can have loads of pizza every day but you have to reason with your mind and negotiate and your mind will always do what it thinks you want that's his job and if you could only tell your mind what you want using relevant up to the minute words you'll get exactly what you want what do you struggle with telling your mind is there anything that you um it took me a long time to tell my mind not to eat sugar i still look at it and it looks so nice that's me but um i still look at candy the other day i was really tired i went into a shop to get coffee and they had jars of jellies and i thought i could eat all of those all of it but i'm choosing not to and i just had the coffee so working out you know i we're on a schedule sometimes just finding the time to go to the gym or do yoga or making the time yeah that's probably the only two really eating healthy food all the time even on a plane even sometimes where there is no healthy food then you've got to wait and choosing to make myself excellent i don't want to but other than that nothing really because i'm i couldn't do what i do unless i was really good at dialoguing with my mind is my best friend it's my the best pa i've ever had and it does what i want because i give it clear instructions what do you say yourself on a daily basis is there like a process in the morning afternoon at night or what would it be like actually when i wake up the first thing i would say is i love my life i love my linen and i love my cup of tea i always wake up going i love my life and then when i make my go i love this tea i love the coffee i love the shower gel in my shower because i i really believe that if you can make your mind get excited by little things then big things every day is like christmas and i think when you wake up you should go ugh what have i got today oh a world of stress i've got this this this this this so you should always wake up and go i love my life i'm alive in a free country i've got all this stuff to make tea and life is great so i do that the second thing i do is i tend to stay in bed and do all my emails because then i feel like i'm not working because i'm in bed propped up drinking my tea and i get all of that out of the way yes very relaxed more relaxed not stressed i try not to have to rush to go to waste but sometimes i do and um i mean i'm very lucky because i love what i do and i do i love people so you work really hard to go i've never worked a day in my life i don't know what that is i don't have to go whereas my life is a weekend would say oh the week and i go what's a weekend i can take time off yeah i mean i love my job because i get to make such a difference so i don't really have much to moan about maybe communicating with my daughter is sometimes a challenge because i'm so positive that she occasionally wants me to be super negative why is that well i guess because you have to be the opposite of your parents so i do all these positives she's an artist and she does lots of negative statements on her paintings on her t-shirts because that's the deal you've got to be the opposite of your parents but i understand that but she's great but really i don't have much to complain about you have a positive conversation with yourself pretty much 24 7. yeah what about a nightly uh routine do you have a thoughts that you say to yourself um well you see for me i really believe that first it's what you do and then it's who you are so first you're doing it and then it's who you are and it's so who you are that it wouldn't occur to you to have to make yourself do it see i would never sit on the carousel my my case is lost i just know it it's all going to go wrong there's no cabs out there this is a horrible flight i now have a belief and it really excuse me that there's no such thing as being bored if my flight is late i mean i just get on my laptop on my phone i mean it's i have 24 entertainment empty out my emails look at something the days of having to wait and being bored even waiting in the car my little phone is like everything books messages videos and so i love that i don't really mind about missing stuff and being late anymore in fact when i was last landing here two weeks ago i was hoping the premier because i was so into hopefully this movie yeah it's delayed when the pilot said we've got to go around with that that's so great that's exactly how long is left of this movie but i think it's important for people to understand that it isn't what you do it's a bit like people who say i've done yoga every day and now it's just my soul like meghan markle said that yoga is in my soul i don't do yoga yoga is part of my life it's like you don't say i walk my dog if you've had a dog for 20 years just get up pick up the lead and it's it's who you are not what you do and so for me it really isn't what i do because it's so a part of me and i like it and so i'm quite lucky that i'm pretty happy and positive but i really do love my life and that's a good thing was there ever something in the last 10 years that questioned everything that you've done or that question your ability to say i love my life you know i did get very sick like a year ago and i thought wow how could that happen you know i'm so happy and positive and eat well so i was a bit surprised when i got sick but then the same thing the thinking the belief i decided i'd focus on massive healing i kept telling my body that it was a cancer-fighting machine i was making all these nk killer cells and i did actually go home the next day i was on stage a week later and my doctor was like wow you become the poster girl for just going on with your life and now i look at one particular um youtuber and think that's so bizarre i had like major surgery just a week before that and you'd never know but um again it it's it's a belief i decided i do wellness i said the husband i need to go home i want and i went and i got away in bed i watched um ray donovan i thought this is it i'm doing wellness here i'm not going to lie in that bed where they keep trying to give you pills and i didn't feel any pain at all because i just kept telling my body to heal itself and then later i thought maybe it's good i got that because i can help other people and i go look you know it life throws stuff at you but you get to choose how to deal with it yeah and even then i noticed that i was very positive because i you know i had actually got womb cats or that stroke of luck to get wound cancer i don't need a womb it's done its job i've had a great kid i talked to my womb and said thanks for giving me this great kid but now i've got to get rid of you because i've got to stay here and raise this great kid and i thought that's good i mean imagine if you get brain cancer or bone cancer i felt very lucky it was a disposable organ they've done a great job i didn't need it and so i think once you become like that it's just who you are so i never had oh my god i'm gonna die because i don't know i'm not going anywhere it is all perspective i mean i still you know people say to me but i thought you were so healthy how could you get that as it turns out i have some that same gene that angelina jolie has but but then of course bruce lipton will tell you can turn off a gene you can you can mentally remove that gene so even with adversity because it's quite good in a way because people think oh your life's just you're like pollyanna just tripping along having a wonderful life that's not true i've still had adversity but your mind will always kick in when it's well trained to go this is a blip just it's just a blip just carry on and so you got to train your mind like you train a horse you know i say your mind's like a ferrari and if you've never done a ferrari it's going to go all over the place but if you have ferrari driving lessons you're going to run that ferrari the ferrari should not be running you if you get on a horse you've never ridden it's going to go everywhere but if you have some horse riding skills you say go there and it goes so i see my mind like a horse and i am the rider but i'm going to tell my mind where to go and it's going to do it you want to learn more about how to master your mind check out this next video right here so when people begin to disengage and get beyond themselves you are at your absolute best when you get beyond yourself and getting the person to that point how does someone get to that point yeah so we teach them that formula we teach them

Channel: Lewis Howes

Views: 869,763

Rating: 4.8436403 out of 5

Keywords: Marisa peer, marisa peer interview, marisa peer anxiety, marisa peer meditation, marisa peer healing, lewis howes, lewis howes interview, school of greatness, motivation, inspiration, motivational video, inspirational video, self help, self improvement, self development, personal development, success, wealth, how to heal your body, how to heal your mind, heal you body with your mind, wisodm, marisa peer speech, marisa peer mindvalley, how to be happy, destroy negative thoughts

Id: WHw7AbBcF8w

Length: 106min 14sec (6374 seconds)

Published: Fri Jul 31 2020