Testimony from Bart Millard of Mercy Me

you know if I could look back over the 21 years have been a band I think since my perspective is kind of changed and as far as my identity and how grace got me there there's probably some songs that would probably I would rewrite if I had the chance but everyone smile flying squirrel gets in that too and so beautiful that's all kind of nail on the head even if I didn't realize exactly what I was saying part of it but uh that song was written for my daughters actually I have five kids and a it's boy girl boy girl boy my oldest is Sam he's 13 Gracie's 11 Charlie is nine there are two others that are really awesome also there's Sophie who's between 6 & 2 now they know that it's like a service you don't want to leave and you know it's kind of joke when I'd done River their names but that started at some point being sincere one night I was on stage and couldn't those last two kids and I made the band laugh when I make a band laugh it becomes an ongoing joke like you ever go to the pharmacy and got to get medicine for your kid they ask the date of birth that's like taking the SAT test I'm like carrying forward on this drive off a lot of things like I know every one of my love my family I love my kids I've been married for - my anniversaries last weekend for 18 years it's the greatest thing that's ever happened to me but you know I learned pretty quickly I animate the news maybe it hasn't traveled here yet but there's a big difference between boys and girls I don't know I realize that and I already it is like boys boys are counting pets you know you feed them there pretty much happened yep and if they get upset in a minute for a few seconds and they start wagging their tail like nothing ever happened my daughter's I upset then there's like a 10-day waiting period if I'm allowed to even look better way I understand but I love them the same but it's different the same time there's something very unique and very special about the relationship between the father and his daughters and I love my girls that got me wrapped around her finger so tightly and them and I saw at a young age you know like also being in ministry for this many years I can honestly say that I think the enemy attacks our girls in some ways that we guys can't necessarily understand you know like we've seen girls literally lose their life trying to keep up with what sides are supposed to be what they're supposed to look like you know what the world says the standard is it kind of freaks me out I've seen my girls when they're super young watching some commercial on TV and the commercials like got them convinced that their life is meaningless unless they own whatever it is they're trying to sell a right girls will turn to me do you hear that we're living a shell alive until we own it's like everybody I know has when I have to have one I'm like you're five you know like three people all let's see if they got whatever it is you be and it's cute then but man there's gonna come a time when the world comes crashing in comes just-just-just pulling from every direction and I wanted my daughter to have a confidence that I didn't have when I was a kid so I wrote this song because I wanted to realize I mean no matter what the world says that God created the world thinks you're the most beautiful thing he's ever created and I wanted I wanted him to hear so much that it was just it was just a knee-jerk reaction I know we're beautiful I don't think you can overdo that because I want their standard to be just in love with their Barbie praise a little bit higher I wanted to be so high that no man would ever do that would be awesome for me if they give because when I was a kid man I never heard my parents divorced I was 3 my mom remarried a couple of times and by the time I was in third grade my stepdad was transferred and so my mom hadn't moved away and excited to keep my brother in herself he's five years older me with around the rest of our family in the same schools in the same town so so we live with my dad about third grade on what a lot of people didn't realize at the time is that my dad was incredibly abusive to only me he had a really really bad temper and whenever he had a bad day he would take it out on me pretty severely I don't recall many weeks where I wasn't beating three four five times a week I'm here one night the first time I ever saw my dad cry actually was a I he beat me so badly that I had to sleep on my stomach because from the back of my neck to the back of my things is black and blue all the way down and I had to be seven or eight years and he came in and wine crying who lights on he just started saw what he had done he started bawling and this went on until about sixth grade and a sixth grade my cat went through a growth spurt so I guess I became a little too big to handle so he never laid a finger on me buddy he tore me apart emotionally no pretty bad sometimes it was worse they're being beaten and this went on until about my freshman year in high school and my freshman in high school my father was diagnosed with cancer this was bittersweet for me because part of me was glad because I thought all this would come to an end the other part of it was devastated because it was my dad it's all that I knew and what I didn't realize the time was I've been given like this front-row seat to see the gospel transform someone in ways that I've never seen before rarely seen since it feels like my dad went from being this monster to being this this man who was in passionately in love geez I don't I don't say that I don't say that lightly because quite honestly I didn't want grace to be for him I didn't want him to get him get away with this get out of a scotch River but the change was undeniable we never pray Rona not the dinner not an Easter Christmas this didn't happen in the house then all of a sudden I would hear me tonight in his room through my walls hearing him praying for my brother and myself my mom divorced three just and just crying over something like who is this guy we owned a big family Bible that's all when I thought we had apparently had more and my dad my dad kind of withered away because the cancer over the years every night so I find him and he would be asleep with his face in the word and I would go in and put it on his nightstand he would wake up we start having these conversations just about stuff for hours there's always a moment in every conversation where he'd be in tears just saying I'm so sorry for everything that I've done to you I wish I could fix it and looking back then every time we had those conversations I just believe that there's a part of names being repaired just hearing him say that he passed away when I was a freshman in college and so in those four or five years he went from being this man that I was afraid I was gonna be like one day I was afraid I was going to be that kind of husband and that kind of dad but Tommy passed away he was the guy that I wanted to be when I grew him if I have a corrupt he's still one of the galleries we never know and you know he wasn't the guy that got up and slapped his Bible around and told you you didn't burn to burn who wore the t-shirt stuff it really wasn't that guy a lot of people wouldn't know much about the change but it was what happened behind closed doors I saw this man obsessed with the word I saw ever even his everything about us changed transformed so much so that time he passed away the gospel had just like this start like it's warpath in my heart for the gospel because I realized if the gospel can change that didn't change anybody you can still believe that today needless to say that you know I grew up I married my wife Shannon who was my first girlfriend at 7th grade its achievement she knew my dad we didn't date at all times ain't never since in college but but there's still time and and so she kind of knew the transformation that took place and and you know it's it's a sweet story and tragic at the same time that needless to say we got married I had some baggage to say the least my employment did any stressful situations man I didn't know how to handle him and I would either taking it that it was my fault it's kind of shut down hit the fetal position and go to happy place and she was like no we need to figure this out maybe we should go to counseling I was like yeah whatever so it so it's godly woman that that not only saved their marriages like she saved my life and one of the first I remember going in and the first thing she said to me was we need to go back to your childhood it was like you know I'm hearing about a bad toothache I want to talk about eyelashes well it's kind of connected so about two years we we kind of realized how connected it actually was and there was this moment to where this time I guess we caught a breakthrough moment for me she said this one thing that got me just crying like that kind of Good Will Hunting ugly cry when it's not flying awareness and really no it was profound to me may not be to you but all she said was you know if you ever wondered what you would have been like in a godly family environment just watch your middle son Charlie is he's just like I start bawling I'm not even sure why I was crying but I was involved maybe because in a weird way it was kind of this do-over that I got to play the role of the dead and try to get some of it right maybe it's officially just accused us of being a godly family environment I was like we win let's go pay the woman okay but whatever it was I know that Charlie is he's kind of freaked out because I stare at him a little too much overanalyze everything like why you big interior's of a fruit loops that were wrong and so it got me wondering man if I could ever sit down and have a conversation with the eight-year-old nine-year-old version of me what would that look like with everything that you've gone through in your life if you can have a conversation that younger version of you what would you possibly say the blessing of the curse of being a songwriters and my therapy is that I write songs about it so I thought it'd be a cool idea for a song not realizing it's gonna be one of the hardest songs ever written not to mention it had to be about three minutes long and rhyme - like WR I didn't know what to say know where to start so I was driving my car one night and just kind of dawned on me I know what I would say you see that I mentioned that friend that kind of reminded me there's nothing I could do to make price love me any more than he already does well one of the other things he did that literally probably made the biggest impact is for about two years he would text me on a regular basis you're a holy righteous and redeemed and I am for you and you know what I started to believe not only who I was in Christ because somebody was actually for me then I met a guy that could look me in the eyes and regardless of things that I've done and right or wrong he saw me as a brother in Christ and not the guy that screwed up he could still see that what the things that I have done was not my identity I've never seen anything like me and so if I could sit with the 9 year old Persian 8 year old version to me I know exactly what I would say I would just tell him he's holy righteous and remain over and over and over and over again because if that turned my world upside down at 14 how much damage could I have done if I understood it at eight I don't know what any of you are going through personally laughter I don't know the things that you've done or they've been done to you but I can tell you with all of my heart with everything that I have I believe 100% that Christ is bigger and if I'm wrong I have to state that there are too many people in the church that you have got the bad habit of carrying or guilt in your shame as if it is a part of me and it is not and has never meant to be the enemy has a full-time job is trying to tell you that you were disqualified because of whatever you've done you were kicked out of the club that don't bother there are godly er people that can do all of this Kingdom stuff you've lost your chance and that is not the gospel if you know Christ you are not a bad person trying to be good but you're a saint you are holy righteous and redeemed you have days you will have days we can wrestle with the flesh you will win some and you lose some it'll never change how Christ sees you that's the beauty that's what the cross is done the power of sin still exists and you will still sin some of us will get the high score in sitting but sin no longer has the power to separate us from Christ that should blow your stinkin mind so man if I knew that finders to bed as a kid things would be different at the same time I'm exactly where Christ sorry this is my conversation against younger me I hope you like it's called dear young moon

Channel: Terry Holland

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Id: E-4uaQQHU_4

Length: 14min 37sec (877 seconds)

Published: Mon Nov 16 2015