*Glass shattering* (Off-screen) SINGER: Cut! *Clapping* Real good sold fall, way to go. Jared, Jensen! Outstanding! That was just great. "Supernatural," scene one echo, take one. Tail slate. Marker! *Glass shattering* ♫Town to town, two-lane roads, family biz, two hunting bros♫ ♫Living a lie just to get by♫ Idjits! You idjits. You are idjits Hey, assbutt! Hey, assbutt! ♫John and Mary, husband and wife♫ ♫Bringing home a brand new life♫ ♫His name is Sammy♫ ♫I'm big brother Dean♫ ♫The perfect family, so it seemed♫ ♫The demons visits had begun♫ ♫It believed Sam was the chosen one♫ ♫It burned my mother♫ ♫And it cursed my brother♫ ♫Leaving us in tears♫ Now to the right here is Stars Hollow. It's the setting for the television series Gilmore Girls. And if we're lucky we might even catch one of the show's stars. Come on. Cause I like to think that over these years, we've grown closer. That you don't think of me as "Directer Bob", or "Executive Producer Bob Singer", but as "Uncle Bob". Wait you're kidding? So the character in the show, Bobby Singer? What kind of a douche bag names a character after himself? SAM: Oh that's not right. You're asking questions like the buildings haunted, like those guys from the books? What are they called? Uh...Supernatural! Two guys use fake ID's with rock aliases, hunt down ghosts, demons, vampires. What are their names? Uh... Steve and Dirk? Uh, Sal and Dane? Sam and Dean? That's it! You're saying this is a book? Books. It was a series. Didn't sell a lot of copies though. Kind of more of an underground cult following. We know you've had it hard during the crippling writer's strike. Lazy fat cats. Who needs writers when you've got guys like us? But you guys aren't supposed to be there, you're not in this story. Yeah, well, we're making it up as we go. Of course! You are the lovely actress who plays Ruby. *Nervous laughter* And you are uh in Jared's house uh because... you two are... Married! You married Fake Ruby? Why are you using me as bait? I mean it's kinda what you're for, isn't it? *Sighs* "Sam and Dean approach the rundown..." "Approach the ramshackle house with trepidation." "Did they really want to learn the secrets that lay beyond that door?" "Sam and Dean traded soulful looks." "Then, with determination, Dean pushed the doorbell with forceful...determination." Ugh! *Doorbell rings* DEAN: You Chuck Shurley? The Chuck Shurley who wrote the Supernatural books? Maybe. Why? I'm Dean this is Sam. The Dean and Sam you've been writing about. Oh my God. (Stuttering) That's uh that's- That's the Mystery Machine! We're not just in any cartoon. We're in Scooby-Doo! Let me tell you my story. Let me tell you everything. What makes a story work? Is it the plot, the characters, the text? The subtext? And who gives a story meaning? Is it the writer? Or you? Tonight I thought I would tell you a little story, and let you decide. *Angelic music* (Voiceover) DEAN: We now return to Supernatural. Okay, so you can pop in tomorrow morning. Yes. *Phone hangs up* I'll just...wait here then. Castiel. Haven't seen you all season. You the calvery now? I need you to get a message to Sam and Dean. Okay? Look, Mr. Edlund, yes I'm a fan, but I really don't appreciate being mocked. I know that Supernatural is just a book, okay? I know the difference between fantasy and reality. Becky, it's all real! *Gasps* I knew it! SAM: Um, says you're from Texas. Really?
SAM: Yeah. And uh...oh. Says you were on a soap opera. What?
NICOLE: Well if I didn't have cancer, and I wasn't married and I had plenty of money, would you... would you want to run away with me? Money? You think I really care about money Nicole? I care that you're healthy! NICOLE: Well I'm no quitter, Eric! I'm- *Laptop shuts* Welcome to the first annual Supernatural convention. Uh at 3:45pm in the Magnolia room we have the panel, "Frightened Little Boy: The Secret Life of Dean" And at 4:30pm there's the "Homoerotic Subtext of Supernatural". Oh, and of course the big hunt starts at 7:00 PM sharp.
*Cheers and applause* MARIE: *Sighs* I'll have to send you some fic links later. What are they doing? Umm, kids, these days call it hugging. Is that in the show? Oh no. Siobhan and Kristen are a couple in real life. Although, we do explore the nature of Destiel in act two. Sorry, what? Oh, it's just subtext! But, then again you can't spell subtext without S-E-X SAM: I don't understand.
DEAN: Me neither! I mean shouldn't it be Deastiel? Really? That's your issue with this? No of course that's not my issue. You know, how about Sastiel? Samstiel?
DEAN: Okay alright. You know what? You're gonna do that thing where you just shut the hell up, forever! CasDean? Shut your face! Get in the car! He's just a tad different than when he dozed off, kay? What do you mean different?
MEG: Hey, Secrest, guess what? Not a nurse. Just playing one on TV. Supernatural, scene 36, take one. Marker! Action! Balthazar is no hero. But he knows Rapheal will never take him back. SINGER: Cut! *Studio bells* ...Stage Manager, and that was just a dress- The jeopardy, Chuck, it's feeling a little, thin? Low stakes. It's fun to hear the boy's voices but a story is only as good as its villain and, these villains are just not feeling very, dangerous. Not to mention there's no classic rock, no one even mentions Cas. The climax is a little stale. Boys tied up again while we get the villain's monologue, which frankly isn't one of your best. A little originality wouldn't- Hurt. They're pretty obscure, almost zero circulation. Uh. Started in 05', publisher but out a couple dozen before going bankrupt. And uh the last one, No Rest for the Wicked, ends with you going to hell. I reiterate, freaking insane. Check it out there is actually fans. There's not many of them but still. Did you read this?
SAM: Yup. Although for fans, they sure do complain a lot. Listen to this, Simpatico says "The demon storyline is trite, cliche, and overall craptastic." Yeah well screw you Simpatico, we lived it. *Laughs* Yeah, well keep on reading, it gets better. There are Sam girls and Dean girls and- what's a slash fan? As in Sam slash Dean... Together. Like...together together?
Yeah They do know we're brothers right? Doesn't seem to matter. Oh come on, that- that's just sick! What are they doing? Oh uh, they're rehearsing the B.M. scene. The bowel movement scene? No! No, the boy melodrama scene. You know, the scene where the boys get together and they're driving or leaning against baby. Drinking a beer, sharing their feelings. The two of them, alone but together Bonded, united, the power of their- Why're they standing so close together? Uh...reasons. You know they're brothers, right? Well duh. But...subtext. Why don't you take sub-step back there, ladies! Well, we can clean up, reset the window, it takes 95 minutes basically. So we'd have to blow off the scene where they sit on the Impala and talk about their feelings. Ha, right! You answer the hate mail. I get it, he's a fan!
A fan! Yeah. You're a fan? Look just cause you're hot for Metatron or, or Bieber or Beckham, just cause you know everything about them doesn't mean that you actually know them. Or that they even know you exist. Oh, that's cold Sammy!
I'm just saying, man! Where the hell are we anyway? Dude, we're not even in America. You can't eat me. See, I'm not a Paris Hilton BFF, I've never even seen House of Wax. There is no other road, no other way, no day but today. Did he just quote Rent?
Not enough to get us in trouble so. I'm confused, why aren't you dead? I don't know. Well, do you want to be? Cause I can help with that.
DEAN: Alright enough! The things I put you through, the physical beatings alone. Were still in one piece. I killed your father! I burned your mother alive. -And then you had to go through the whole horrific deal again with Jessica.
-Chuck- All for what? All for the sake of literary symmetry. I toyed with your lives, your emotions, for...entertainment. You didn't toy with us Chuck, okay? You didn't create us. Did you really have to live through the bugs? Yeah. -What about the ghost ship?
-Yes, that too. I am so sorry. I mean horror is one thing but to be forced to live bad writing... You know I know it's really uncool to say this, but I'm a big fan. I loved you in Boogeyman. Oh God, what a terrible script! Uh but thank you.
DEAN: Yeah. Who puts a 300-gallon aquarium in their trailer? Apparently Jensen Ackles. So now uh, what's the deal with all this TV crap? -Pardon?
-Yeah Amen Padaleski. -Uh Lecki
-What?
-Lecki, pretty sure. Man, did they put out new pages? -New what?
-I mean is this some kind of cosmic joke? -Yeah cause if it is it's stupid and we don't get it.
SAM: Yeah. *Laughs* Are you guys okay? Give me that. What is- These are words in the script, this isn't Cas. Dude, look at him! You guys wanna run lines or? His name's Misha! Misha? Oh wow. Just...great. Misha? Jensen? What's up with the names around here? Oh, you guys! You really punked me! *Laughs* I'm totally gonna tweet this one! Hola Mishamigos! J Squared got me good. Really starting to feel like one of the guys. I-M-H-O, J and J had a late one last night. I'm sitting in a laundry mat reading about myself sitting in a laundry mat reading about myself. My head hurts. There's gotta be something this guy's not telling us. "Sam tossed his gigantic darks into the machine." "He was starting to have doubts about Chuck, about whether he was telling the whole truth." Stop it! "'Stop it!' Sam said." Guess what you do next. "Sam turned his back on Dean, his face brooding and pensive." I mean I don't know how he's doing it, but this guy is doing it! I can't see your face but those are definitely your brooding and pensive shoulders. You just thought I was a dick. Guys good. You really think it's wise to be drinking on the job? What show you've been watching? I can't believe you've come back. I- I didn't mean what I said about Supernatural! It's underrated, due for a reboot! SAM: The disappearance-
There is no singing in Supernatural! There's no space in Supernatural. Well not canonically no, but this is transformative fiction. You mean fanfiction. Call it whatever you'd like okay. It's inspired by Carver Edlund's books. With a few embellishments. How'd you learn all this? I'm a writer too Chuck. Fanfic is not really the same thing. Writing's writing! You're Sam Winchester! And you're... Not what I pictured. I'm Becky. I've read all about you guys. And I've even written a few... *Laughs* ♫Beyond this illusion♫ ♫I was soaring ever higher♫
Who's that? Oh, that's Adam, John Winchester's other kid. ♫But I flew too high♫
He's still trapped in the cage, in hell, with Lucifer. Man, dad have loved this thing. I like this you Castiel. It's very...Russian. (Over the phone speaker) SERA: I'll fly up and talk to them. You know, I'm not sure Jared and Jensen...know who she is, strictly speaking. She's, you know, new. No offence. SERA: Right. Yeah, I think what we might need at this stage is for Kripke to come up himself. He created the show. They'll listen to him. SERA How's that make me look? I'm supposed to be running this thing Besides, Eric is off in some cabin somewhere writing his next pilot. He sold "Octocobra"?
SERA: Yes. Mother of God. They'll buy anything. Ha, Velma was right It was a shady real estate developer after all. It's not fair. I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for those meddling kids! *Gasps* He said it! He said the line! Scooby Dooby Doo! What are you doing? Well I mean at the end of every mystery Scooby looks into the camera and he says- Dean, you're not a talking dog. I know that. I- Yeah. Anyway, as far as I can see I think they've lost any shred of talent they ever had. All the other worlds, alternate realities, the subplots, the failed spinoffs. It's time to start cancelling shows. Was the Winchesters grabbing me part of your plan? That was a surprise. But hey, what writer doesn't love a good twist? My job is to set up interesting characters and see where they lead me. The by-product of having well-drawn characters is they may surprise you. But I know something they don't know. The ending. How I get there doesn't matter, as long as everybody plays their part. (Voice-over) CHUCK: Endings are hard. Any chapped ass monkey with a keyboard can poop out a beginning, but endings are impossible. You try to tie up every loose end but you never can. The fans are always gonna bitch. There's always gonna be holes. And since it's the ending it's all supposed to add up to something. I'm telling you they're a raging pain in the ass. No. You can't. I did. This is just an ending. Yeah. I don't how I'm gonna get there, but I know where I'm going. B- But it's so...dark. Great, right? I can see it now, "Supernatural: The End". And the cover? It's just a gravestone and it says "Winchester". Fans are gonna love it. Well? It's awful! Horrible! It's hopeless! You can't do this to the fans! What you did to Dean. What you did to Sam. There see, it's making you feel something. That's good, right? No! No doubt, endings are hard. But, then again... Nothing ever really ends. Does it? *Music fades* Wait a second, where's Chuck? Oh I- I love him, I do! But honestly, the whole author inserting themselves into the narrative thing? It's just not my favourite. I kind of hate the meta stories. SAM & DEAN in unison: Me too.
